The 24 Parody Project
by Spencer44
Summary: This is another one of your average 24 parodies. This is a 'season' that takes place after season 6, starting with 7:00am and adding new chapters later on. There are spoilers.
1. 7:00am 'Woke Up This Morning'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 1

(The following contains massive spoilers (somewhat), so be sure you know pretty much everything that's going on up to now in the show (the end of season 6 pretty much) if you don't know everything up to this point, **turn back now**, you have been warned. Also the following story is in 'A Script' fashion because I just suck at writing normal 'paragraph' form. Everything 24 (Events, Characters, Etc.) here is copyright Fox and all that good stuff, I do not own any of it, for if I did, my butt would be thrown out on the street after this stunt.. The following takes place before production of this 'special season' between 4:00pm and 5:00pm. Disclaimer over!

At the FOX executive offices, in the writers room, the writers of the hit show '24' sit around a conference table, brainstorming new and fresh ideas for the upcoming season, or 'day'.

Fred (Head writer guy, I doubt none of the people here are actually names of the writers on the actual show, just play along.): Okay, guys. (Claps his hands together) This season has to top all the others, there has to be a lot of explosions, excitement, plot twists, the deaths of important characters, and everything that makes '24' great, any ideas?

Sam: Hmm….Well, I think _this_ season should focus more on the love affair between Jack and Chloe.

Fred: Uh….what?

Kyle: What the hell are you talking about? They're not in love with each other!

Sam: You don't see it!? They're madly in love! In fact, I think this season should have more conflict when Audrey comes back, and it's a heated love triangle between her, Jack, and Chloe.

Terry: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It'll never work.

-Later, when filming-

Jack: Chloe, I've decided to run away with you!

Chloe (Putting her hand up to her forehead): But Jack, we can't leave Los Angeles in the midst of all this terror! I know I love you but….

Jack: No buts! We leave, in…(checks his watch) 4 minutes and 27 seconds. That's when the episode ends after all.

Audrey (appearing out of nowhere): Jack! I can't believe you're cheating on me!

Jack: Gasp! Audrey!

Chloe: Oh crap!

Audrey: To think I loved you, and you're going to run away with this…..harlot!

Chloe: Who are you calling 'harlot', you bimbo!

They start to fight and the bouncers pull them off each other, the audience screams "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"...uh, what?

Chloe: The truth is Jack…I'm really a MAN! (She takes her shoes off, the audience goes nuts).

Jack: WHAT!?

Audrey: I have a terrible secret too Jack….I'm really (Pulls off mask), GEORGE MASON!

Jack: DOUBLE WHAT!?

George: Jack, back in season 2 when I obliterated myself in the nuke that was on the plane, I was disfigured so badly I had to lead a new life, so I changed my name to Audrey Raines!

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Director: AND CUT!!!

Fred: I love it! Cut, Roll, Print! We've got ourselves a season!

Bleep….bleep….bleep….bleeepblepebelepebleepebbepeeee…..24!

Jack: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00am and 8:00 am.

It's morning in Los Angeles, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Jack Bauer wakes up to the sound of his obnoxious ring tone on his cell phone.

Jack: Ugh…

He stumbles out of bed and answers his phone.

Jack: Yes.

Voice: Jack….Jack Bauer…?

Jack: This is him…

Voice: The President will die at 4:00 today! click

Jack: …who is this?...hello?

7:07:22, Jack runs downstairs to eat his breakfast; much to the shock of all the viewers that Jack actually ate something. He grabs his coat then leaves; then comes back in because he would probably like to take a shower first.

MEANWHILE, AT CTU!!!!

Chloe O'Brien walks into the main floor (where all the action takes place), she throws her bags, purse, umbrella, cat, newspaper and coat onto the chair at her terminal then heads up the stairs to Bill Buchanan's office.

Chloe (walks in, shutting the door behind her): Mr. Buchanan, I've got a problem…already. I need to talk to you.

Bill: Come on in, Chloe.

Chloe (looking back at the door, confused): uh….okay. Anyway, so I….

Bill (picks up the phone): WHAT!? AN ATTACK ON THE PRESIDENT AT 4:00! Were on it! click Chloe that was a great story, I've got to run! (He leaves).

Chloe: GRR!

Bill: Okay people! We've got a situation! The following attempt on the president's life will take place between 4:00pm and 5:00pm. All events occur in real time!

Nadia Yassir, who takes Bill's place as acting CTU director whenever Bill gets fired. Walks in and heads up to Chloe's terminal.

Nadia: Morning, Chloe. What's going on?

Chloe (Putting on her 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt): Someone's going to kill the president at 4:00, Bill just made an announcement to the staff.

Nadia (checks her watch): It's not even 7:30, were like, the only two here.

Chloe: Don't ask questions, Nadia. GAW! FRIGGIN IDIOT! (She scoffs then slumps away).

Nadia: You don't have to be rude!

Chloe: I can't help it, I have a personality disorder.

Milo (who's supposed to be dead), and Morris O'Brien (Chloe's Ever-Inebriated Husband) walk in. Chloe looks constipated. THE TIME IS 7:20:32!

-----CUT------

Fred: Now hold on a second! Why the hell is Milo back, he's dead!

John (uh, another writer): I miss Milo.

Fred: You can't bring him back from the dead! For god's sake, he still has that bullet wound in his forehead! It's just tacky!

John: FINE! Meanie…

It's 7:24:11 (after a commercial break), Milo drops to the ground, dead. Morris walks on by / Jack's driving and eating a sausage Mcmuffin at the same time / Chloe is staring into space / Bill is playing sudoku.

Morris: Hello….daaahling.

Chloe: Hi Morris, are you drunk? Don't make me make out with you to make sure.

Jack walks into CTU and up to Bill.

Bill: Jack.

Jack: Bill.

Chloe: Hi Jack.

Jack: Hi Chloe.

Morris: Nadia.

Nadia: Morris.

Chloe: Morris?

Morris: What Chloe?

Jack: Morris.

Nadia: Bill!

Bill (on phone): Karen.

Karen (on line): Bill.

Jack: Nadia.

Nadia: Jack.

Chloe: Nadia.

Nadia: Enough already.

Morris: Nadia.

Nadia: That's enough!

Jack: Nadia.

Nadia: SHUT UP!

Chloe: Bill.

Milo: Milo……urk…(dies).

Bill: Okay Jack, we've got a problem and we only have 25 minutes before the hour's up (The time is 7:35:22).

Jack: The assassination attempt on the president this afternoon, I know.

Nadia: Hmm, way too suspicious. All who think Jack's a mole, say I.

Everyone: I!!!

Jack: I…

Nadia: Jack, you weren't supposed to agree with us.

Jack: Oh, right.

Bill: How do you know about the assassination, Jack?

Jack: I got an anonymous tip from…an anonymous call on my cell phone this morning…anonymously….well, almost 40 minutes ago.

Bill: Hmm….we must warn the president!

MEANWHILE AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!

President Rolando Callahan, Vice President Noah Daniels, Homeland Security Woman Karen Hayes, and Presidential Boy Toy Tom Lennox sit around in the oval office awaiting CTU's phone call about the assassination….wait….um…

Rolando (picking up the ringing phone): Thank you for calling 'The White House', this is the president speaking!

Jack: GET ME THROUGH TO THE PRESI….oh…..uh….hi Mr. President, my name is Jack Bauer you are going to be assassinated at 4:00, so…do whatever it is you do in this situation….that is all click.

Bill: That was sloppy.

Chloe: I'm getting something on my computer….besides porno pop ups.

Bill: What is it?

Chloe: I've hacked into Jack's cell phone and traced the call to an abandoned warehouse 20 miles south of here.

Nadia: How the hell did you do _that?!_

Jack: Excellent, I'll be off now. Looks like this is going to be the longest day of my life….again.

Nadia: Just get going!

Jack: oh…right.(runs off. The time is 7:49:32)

-INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE-

7:54:11, Jack is driving / Chloe is playing with her food (wherever she got it from) / Milo is alive again / Karen is looking out the window.

Milo (on the phone): Uh, huh….okay. That is bad. click.

Milo walks over to Bill, who isn't doing anything.

Milo: Bill, we've got a problem.

Bill: Other than dead people roaming about…what is it, dead Milo?

Milo: The terrorists have a hostage….I have to tell Jack.

Bill: Hmm, I'm sure it won't distract him from his mission, go ahead!

Milo (calls Jack): Jack….

Jack (driving, on the line): What is it…Milo who's supposed to be dead?

Milo: The terrorists called, they have a hostage; this isn't going to be easy…

Jack: Oh my god! Audrey!

Milo: No…

Jack: Oh my god! Kim!

Milo: No Dammit!

Jack (deadpan): oh no not Kate Warner….

Milo: It's…..Marilyn.

Jack: WHO THE HELL IS MARILYN!?

Milo: You're…sister in law.

Jack: …

Milo: You're dead brother's wife.

Jack: oh…..OH! NO! Not her, I have to go save _her_?! CRAP!

Milo: Is that bad?

Jack: She's just creepy, and she's always hitting on me….oh this sucks!

Jack opens a book.

Jack (writes while reading aloud): Dear Diary, this is the worst day ever! First, Johnny breaks up with me 2 days before prom, _now this!_

Milo: Right. Well, I'd probably go rescue her any….erk (falls to the floor, dead).

Nadia (catches the phone) : ..way. So GET TO IT!!!! slam

The scenes shrink down to their own squares at 7:57:22. Nadia is walking over to Bill, how hasn't moved all hour / The President is about to eat breakfast / Jack sure is driving a lot / Chloe plays with her fondue set / Morris eats a snow cone / Milo sits up in a chair and puts a band-aid on his bullet wound.

Jack: Oh my god! Hi Chloe! I see you; you're the bottom left square! I'm the upper right square.

Chloe: That's nice Jack. I'm trying to mess with this fondue. Get back to work.

Jack: This is fun, hey and I see the other cast members too. So Chloe, what's up?

Chloe: About to throw away this fondue set, shouldn't you be working?

Jack: Man, split screen 'real time' stuff is awesome. Hey since you're down there. "I'll take Chloe O'Brien for the block!".

Chloe: Jack, maybe you should quit making 'Hollywood Squares' jokes and pay attention to the road.

Jack: What?

_CRASH_

His car then gets slammed by a minivan, 9 guys get out of it and grab Jack.

Jack: WHAT I'm being kidnapped, already! You can't do this in the season premiere, this blows! Man, I'm worse than Kim!

Meanwhile, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.

Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).

Tom: Mr. President!!!

Noah and Karen rush in.

Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! (Those are my only lines this episode, weak!)

Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!

Noah: I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he claps his hands then skips away).

Meanwhile at CTU.

Chloe (still wearing her 'Vote For Pedro T-Shirt): Gasp I'm shocked!

Audrey (walks up): Hello everyone, Chloe, get me through to Jack, I must speak with him.

Bill finally moves and goes to the restroom. Morris, Nadia, and Milo look in shock, for some reason. Nadia hands Milo a tissue for his, uh, 'injury'.

7:59:57

7:59:58

7:59:59

8:00:00

-NEXT TIME ON 24: Hour 2-

Jack: Why have you kidnapped me?! I'm just a lonely girl trying to make it in the big city! Let me go!

-AND-

Chloe: Audrey, why are you here?

Audrey: I'm pregnant…

Chloe: Say _what_?!

-ALSO-

Tom: Who are _you_!?

Ronald: My name is Ronald Palmer, I'm one of the long lost Palmer siblings,_ and I'll_ be the new president.

Karen: Say _what_?!

Noah: I'm the Vice President, shouldn't I be next in line!

Ronald: ….no.

-AND DON'T FORGET!-

Milo: Na….Nadia….I don't have much time left….

Nadia: Like it matters, you're just going to come back alive in like, 5 seconds.

Morris: No kidding….daaaahling.

Nadia: Will you stop saying that!?

-AND FINALLY-

Jack: Oh…..My…..God…..It….It can't be!

(Gunshot!)

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER OK HOUR OF….24!

Fred: Yay, the season premiere is over!

Sam: Finally. Now let's begin work on hour 2.

Tabitha: There's more?!

Sam: Uh yea….there's 24 episodes, stupid.

Donnie: Super Dee Duper!

Fred: Get out of my office…


	2. 8:00am 'The Other Brother'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 2

AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Paul: Guys! Great news! The season premiere was a hit! Over 10 million viewers! Another Exclamatory Sentence!

Chester: Awesome! So what should we do with the 2nd episode?

Paul: Well, since the ratings are this hot we gotta keep the pace going strong….so….you know what that means?

Adam: Not really.

Paul: We have to kill off a character!

Chester: WHAT!? That's ridiculous! The fans love the characters! Killing them would only piss them off, look what happened with Tony and Michelle! I know I was pissed.

Paul: Yea, but people don't watch the show to fall in love with the characters; they watch it because the excitement keeps you on the edge of your seat. Right?

The others writers look at each other nervously.

Kyle: Uh, sure.

Paul: So what do you say? Someone gets put on the chopping block this week?

Chester: Hmm….what do you think, Fred?

Fred: Well, all right. Just make sure you don't 'off' someone who's really important to the story line right now.

Paul: Wouldn't dream of it.

MEANWHILE

Chloe: Mmm. Lunch time!

Chloe suddenly slumps forward, splatting face first into her potato salad.

Bill and Nadia run in.

Bill: Oh my god! She's dead!

Nadia: -sniff-…that was _my_ potato salad!

Bleep….bleep……bleep…..bleepblepelbeplbepbelbleplbepb……24!!!!!

Jack: Hey Peeps! Previously on….24!

-AND ROLL THE CLIPS!-

Narrator: Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls. But Professor Bill Buchanan accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction, Chemical X!! Thus, The Bauer-puff Girls were born! Using their ultra-super powers, Jack, Chloe, and Morris have dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil!

Bill: Oh my god! They're hideous!

Jack: HEY!!!!

Chloe: How rude!

Morris: Dahling, does this skirt make my butt look big?

-DRUGS, ANYONE? NEXT!-

Chloe: Jack, the bomb is about to go off!

Jack: Where is it!?

Chloe: The women's bathroom!

Jack: Oh, that's okay, I'll pass.

_-KA-BOOOOOM!-_

-THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, MOVING ON-

Audrey: With this secret _looove_ potion, Milo will be under my spell! And the Pressman fortune will be mine! ALL MINE!!!! BWA! HA! HA! HA!!!!

-WTF? AND ALSO-

Terrorist Bob: We strike this afternoon, but first. We dine….at DENNY'S!

Terrorists: HOORAY! DENNY'S!

Jack: umm….ooookay. The following takes place between 8:00am and 9:00am.

Morris shuffles past a completely dead Chloe face down in her potato salad though he doesn't seem to notice. He walks up to Bill, who is playing solitaire on someone's computer.

Bill: Morris?

Morris: Bill, I've just received word that Jack has been kidnapped.

Bill: How do you people find this stuff out so fast?

Morris: Why, the FOX NEWS NETWORK of course. You gotta love those advertising gimmicks.

Techie Sarah: So Natalie, I'm watching FOX NEWS!!!! It's on the uber cool FOX CHANNEL!!! Stay tuned for 'The Simpsons', Sunday nights on FOX!!!! FOX FOX FOX FOX FOX!!!!!

Techie Natalie: Sarah….shut your face!

Bill: Do we have a lead on the kidnappers? We have to get Jack back. He is an integral role in this operation for preventing the assassination attempt. That and he has top billing in the cast, so he can't be killed.

Morris: Great! I'll get Chloe on it when she comes back to life after the commercial break!

8:06:22, Jack wakes up inside a minivan with 9 strange people.

Jack: Who….are you?...Who? Who? Who? Who? I really wanna know!

Number 5: SHUT UP! (he kicks Jack)

Jack: OW! That stung….jerks!

Number 3: Keep your mouth shut and you won't be hurt.

Jack: Yea, like THAT ever works. THE TIME IS NOW 8:08:34. COMMERCIAL!!!!

-COMMERCIAL TIME…..AND WERE BACK!-

8:13:41, Jack is riding hostage in the minivan / Chloe is doing the jitterbug (She's alive!) / Morris is suspiciously drinking from a bottle marked 'NOT ALCOHOL' / Milo and Nadia are doing computer work.

Jack: So…where are you taking me?

Number 9 (on videophone): Boss, we captured the target. We are bringing him back to base.

Jack: Can I make a phone call? I promise I won't call CTU and give away my position, pwetty pwease? Wit wip cweam and a chehwy on twop?

Number: 9: Stop talking like that! It's giving me the cweeps….ugh! DAMN YOU!

Boss: YOU FOOLS! That's not him!

Number 9: HUH!?

Boss: You were supposed to capture O'BRIEN!!!!! NOT BAUER!!!

Jack: Oh no! Chloe!!!!

Boss: No…

Jack: Oh no! Conan!!!

Boss: NO DAMMIT!!!

Jack (deadpan): oh no, not Morris…

Boss: Yes! Now kill Bauer, and go back and get me Morris O'Brien!

Number 9: With pleasure! (He holds up a gun to Jack's forehead)

Suddenly the van careens off the side of a cliff.

Numbers 1-9: NOOOOO!!!!

Jack: Bye! (he makes his way to the back of the van and jumps out the backdoor with his parachute.)

Number 2: Hey, why wasn't he in restraints!? And where did he get that parachute!?…

The van crashes into the ground below, EXPLOSION, VAN GO BOOM!!!!!!

Jack lands safely on the ground and runs back toward the highway.

Jack: Gotta hitch me a ride to CTU, where the hell is my phone!?

8:20:03 AT CTU!!!!

Chloe is alive and well and walks into the women's restroom to find Audrey washing her face.

Chloe: um…Audrey?

Audrey: What is it Chloe?

Chloe: Um, didn't you need to talk to Jack about something. You stormed in here in last week's cliffhanger and demanded to talk to him, then you retreated to the bathroom.

Audrey: oh…right. I wish to talk to Jack.

Chloe: Great! Leeets go!

They begin to leave. A lunch lady runs in.

Lunch Lady Gretchen: I've just received news that Jack has been captured! It's Salisbury Steak Day by the way!

She runs out.

Chloe: We have a cafeteria?

Audrey: I don't care for Salisbury steak.

Chloe: I think it's time for a word from our sponsors at 8:24:22.

–COMMERCIAL…..COMMERCIAL…..WE NOW RETURN TO THE SHOW!-

8:29:09, Jack is riding passenger in a big truck / Chloe and Audrey are sharing bathroom secrets (hmm?) / Nadia and Bill are playing scrabble / Karen waves hello.

Karen: HI EVERYBODY!!!

Tom: This is bad, the president has been dead from a poisoned sausage biscuit for 30 minutes, and nobody has done anything.

Noah: The joint chiefs will be 'joining' in here shortly to announce my new presidency!

Tom: Ruh! Roh!

Suddenly, a well dressed man followed by the joint chiefs walk into the room.

Ronald: Good morning everyone, my name is Ronald Palmer, I will be the new commander and chief of this here country, and I will also be the president.

Noah: WHAT!?

Tom: WHO WHAT!?

Karen: RASPBERRIES!

Noah: This doesn't make sense, I'm the Vice President! If the president should be kidnapped, poisoned, impeached, blown up, shot down in an airplane, or nearly killed by Mandy by placing a poisonous sheet of wax paper in your hand at the end of Season 2, Vice President comes next!

Ronald: Well, it _WAS _pretty easy for me after all.

-FLASHBACK-

Ronald: Hi my name is Ronald Palmer; I would like to apply for the position of President of the United States!

Joint Chiefs: Palmer? Are you related to David Palmer?

Ronald: Why yes, I'm one of the long lost Palmer siblings.

Joint Chiefs: WOW! You're more than qualified then, welcome to the white house, _MR_. President.

Ronald: Excellent.

Karen: End of flashback.

Noah: WAIT! You're David's OTHER brother, that doesn't make any sense!

Ronald: Just because I wasn't mentioned before doesn't mean I don't exist. Was there any mention of Wayne in seasons 1 or 2, no. Any mention of Sandra seasons 1 – 5, not to my knowledge. So here I am, in this crazy wacky numberless season.

Noah: What a load!

Tom: Bizarre indeed…

Karen: Who wants skittles?

8:36:44 ON THE TRUCK!!!

Jack: I need to head to CTU.

Trucker: Sure.

Jack: Just turn here.

The truck zooms past the turning point.

Jack: um…you missed my turn.

Trucker: …

Jack: Hello! You missed my turn!

Trucker: Shut up! Man, I wish my pal Rick was here, he'd drug you up right before taking you out to an airfield to beat the crap out of you then pump you full of drugs to ease the pain then let you escape shortly before you got hit by a car then killed by a guy pretending to be your father in the emergency room!

Jack: Hey, you sound like you done this before, sweet. Oh, well, I don't have time to make friends, so I kill you now.

Jack stumbles up and breaks the Trucker's neck, the truck spins out of control and starts to flip over.

Jack: Bad idea! Bad idea!...

The truck does practically a 360 flip and lands on its side, sliding for almost half a mile until it stops in front of an abandoned warehouse.

Jack: Hmm. The plot thickens…finally! Well, while I'm trying to crawl out of this vehicle we'll go to commercial break at 8:43:54.

-INSERT 4 MINUTE 'SUBWAY' COMMERCIAL HERE-

8:48:11, Jack is brushing his hair, about to enter the warehouse. / Nadia storms out of the conference room / Chloe is poking her Salisbury steak with a fork / Ronald Palmer and Noah Daniels are arm wrestling.

Bill: What's _your_ problem?

Nadia: Dammit, Bill! 'SHABOINKLE' is not a word!

Bill: Is too!

Milo: Another heated game of 'Scrabble' eh?

Nadia: Something like that, and aren't you supposed to be dead?!

Audrey (walks up): Okay, NOW I need to speak to Jack, where is he.

Bill: Earlier this morning Jack, as well as CTU, got an anonymous tip that the president will be assassinated at 4:00 today. Jack proceeded to head to the warehouse the call was placed from which is 20 miles south from here. We haven't heard from him since, we should probably see where he is.

Audrey: The Lunch Lady from the Cafeteria said he was captured.

Nadia and Bill look at each other.

Bill: We don't have a lunch lady, or a cafeteria.

Audrey: Hmm, I wonder where Chloe got her Salisbury Steak from then, oh well; I guess it's not important. Anyway, if Jack is captured we have to find him quickly before…

Milo (picking up the ringing telephone): Yeeees? Oh Hi Jack!

Audrey: Oh, never mind.

AT THE ABANDONED WAREHOUSE at 8:54:22

Jack: Okay, this could possibly be the place where the anonymous tip came from. I'm about to go in. (Kicks open the door).

Bill: Okay, Jack, tell us what you find. We'll send backup for some reason.

Jack peeks around the corner to see a chair sitting in the middle of a room. Jack slowly starts to advance toward the chair.

Split screen time at 8:57:34! Jack is approaching the chair / Nadia, Bill, Audrey, and Milo watch his progress on the big screen (how are they watching this) / Chloe is throwing up her Salisbury Steak / Morris just discovered the mysterious cafeteria / Ronald Palmer makes himself comfortable in the president's chair and Noah throws a temper tantrum on the floor / Karen and Tom exchange nervous looks.

Tom: Okay, Mr. President. I guess I should fill you in. CTU has received word that an attempt on your life will be made at 4:00 today.

Ronald: Really? I've haven't even been president for an hour!

Tom: Well, to kill the president in general. I guess they don't have to know you personally.

Ronald: Are you referring to the dead president that has been lying here on the floor in front of this desk for the past hour.

Karen: Oh yea, he's still there, isn't he?

Tom: Right…..um, okay I think 'his' was an accident.

Karen: A poisoned sausage biscuit?

Tom: Whatever. Mr. President, you will die at 4:00 today!

Ronald: No I won't.

Tom: Wha! Wha! WHAAAT?!

Ronald: I have a secret weapon.

Karen stuff a Twinkie in her mouth..

Tom: What…kind of secret weapon, sir?

Ronald chuckles to himself then turns around to look out the window. He then decides to pick up the phone.

Ronald (on phone): Yes, Send in my secret weapon!

Karen: It sure is amazing how people can time these thrilling moments right at the top of the hour!

Meanwhile.

Jack comes up to the chair and lays his hand on it, and spins it around!

Jack: THERE'S NO ONE IN IT!!!

Bill: What the AFLAC!?

Audrey: LOOK! THERE'S A NOTE ON THE CHAIR!!!

Jack (looks around): Are..are you watching my progress!?...never mind, oh yea. There is a note.

He picks it up.

Jack: IT'S BLANK!!!

Bill: Turn it over, Jack.

Jack turns the note around on the other side.

(NOTE READS): You're too late Jack. Soon, I will have your precious Kim!!!! DUHN! DUHN! DUUUUUUHN!!!! (It actually says that)

Jack: OH NO! Kim Basinger!

He looks back down at the note.

(NOTE READS): Uh…No…..

Jack: OH NO! Kim Catrall!

He looks down at the note again.

(NOTE READS): NO DAMMIT! YOU'RE DAUGHTER, KIM BAUER!!!

Jack (deadpan): oh, I should probably do something about that shouldn't I?

Audrey faints.

8:59:57

8:59:58

8:59:59

9:00:00

-NEXT TIME ON 24: HOUR 3-

Jack: Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!

-MEANWHILE-

Karen: I think the President is corrupt!

Tom: I think YOU'RE corrupt!

Karen: I know you are, but what am I?

-AND-

Girl: Hi! I'm here to apply for a job at CTU.

Bill: Sure, what is your name?

Girl: My name is 'Mole'….'Ima Mole'.

Bill: Well, that sure is a pretty name. You're hired!

Chloe slams her head on her desk.

-HMMM-

Nadia: Somebody laced the entire CTU complex with explosives!

Bill: Why do they keep getting away with that!?

CTU EXPLODES!!!

-DON'T FORGET-

Jack: Where's Princess Toadstool!?

Toad: I'm sorry Jack, but the terrorist is in another castle!

Jack: YOU SHROOMY BASTARD!!!

_-SLAP!-_

Jack: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!!?!?!

Toad: eek! Don't hurt me!

-I DOUBT THAT WILL HAPPEN, AND FINALLY-

Ronald: Jack, I have a job for you.

Jack: _Anything for a 'Palmer'_, _Mr. President_. -wink-.

Tom: Jeepers Creepers!

-OH, I FORGOT-

Karen: We need an ambulance, The President has just been shot, I REPEAT! The president has just been shot!

Everyone: AGAIN!?

NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW 24!!!!!!


	3. 9:00am 'I Robot, I Mole'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 3

AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!! Who knows what the writers of the FOX hit show '24' are up to.

Fred walks into the break room to find Sam and Paul watching TV, engrossed in whatever program is on.

Sam: Man that sure was a good episode.

Fred: What are you guys watching?

Paul: It's America's hottest new reality tv show, The Amazing Racist!

Fred: What?! But 24's supposed to be on now! I hope a lot of people aren't watching this!

Paul: Are you kidding? Look outside.

Fred looks outside to a giant billboard that reads.

-7.5 Million viewers love 'The Amazing Racist', A Lot More Than '24'! That Smelly Show!-

Fred: ACK!!! How did this happen!? And who the hell would put that _right in front of our office!_ How rude!

Paul: Face it, people love reality tv. It sucks, but people are drawn into it, like a car wreck.

Fred: Oh really? Well, I guess we have no choice but to fight fire with fire, and turn 24 into a _Reality TV Series!_

Paul: How the hell are you going to do that?!

-Filming-

Bill: Okay it's the elimination segment of Fox's new hit reality show, 'America's Next Top Agent'.

Nadia, Chloe, Audrey, Stinky Susie from Accounting, Lunch Lady Gretchen, and a 'Nina Meyers' blow up doll stand in front of the judges. Well, except for Nina, who's kinda just _floating there._

Chloe (in the confessional, one on one with the camera): Ok, I was really confused about the America's Next Top Agent competition. I mean, it's stupid. Were on the verge of having an international crisis and _now_ they want to hold this competitive challenge? Whatever, (takes a bite of her Salisbury Steak).

Bill: Okay, the first person we are going to cut is Stinky Susie.

Susie: EH?

Susie (In the confessional): That was a big steaming pile! We didn't even do anything. We just started the show and Bill automatically kicks me off. I just can't believe I lost to the 'Nina Meyers' blow up doll!

Bill: Yes, thanks for playing!

He pulls a rope sending Susie down a bottomless pit.

Susie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bill: Okay, for our next competition, you girls are going to pose in exotic pictures!

Photographer: All right Nadia, you will have your picture taken with this friendly cougar!

Nadia: With WHAT!?

Photographer: Now, lie on top of the desk.

Nadia does so. An animal expert brings in a cougar, which mounts Nadia.

Nadia: Um…excuse me? I'm really not liking this!

Nadia (In the confessional): Yea, I don't do well with animals. The cougar thing crossed the line! In fact, this whole competition is pointless!

Photographer: Now, Nadia, get closer to the cougar, as if you two were about to kiss, as if you were about to seductively whisper in his ear, "I want to Super Size It"!

Nadia: Help! The cougar ate my face!

Nadia's head was stuck in the cougar's mouth.

Photographer: ..uh …._too close._

Blip……blip……blip…..blipp….blipbliplbipblbilbplibpbliblpbilpbb……24!

Chloe (deadpan): Previously on last weeks non stop, thrilling, exciting, 'ooh I just wet myself', over the top episode of 24….

-CLIPS!!!!-

Karen: Cut the green wire!

Tom: I thought it was the red one!

Karen: No, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers, 'Red' means death, 'Green' means peace.

Tom: What a load! I'm cutting the red one.

Karen: It's our funerals.

Tom: It won't cut!

(Looks at his wire cutters)

Tom: Oh crap! These are 'Playskool' bomb diffusing wire cutters! These wont work, Dammit!

Karen: Smooth move, Ex Lax.

-AND…-

Jack: I'm going to break your neck now!

_Snappity!_

Trucker: Ow! That smarts.

Truck flips over.

Jack: AAIIIIEEEEEE!!!

-NEXT-

Chloe: _What is this?!_

Morris: It's a pair of 'Fruit Roll Up' underwear with 'Spongebob Squarepants' pull out shapes, dahling.

Chloe (starts taking a bite): Hmm. These aren't half bad.

Morris: Yea, the guy at the store gave me a discount because they were used.

Chloe: BLARGH!!! (Spits them out)

-THAT WAS DISTURBING, AND-

Audrey: What's on the menu today?

Gretchen: SALISBURY STEAK!!!

Audrey: Hmm, gross. Okay, anything else?

Gretchen: No, that's it.

Audrey: Well, that sucks!

-AND FINALLY-

Terrorist: Unless you give us the briefcase with the million in it, we will arm the nuke and blow up CTU! That is…if…someone hasn't already beaten us to it.

Jack: How about….5 dollars! So, Mr. Terrorist, deal….or no deal?

Terrorist: No deal, you dolt! I want my million dollars!

Jack: Oh come on, it's my last 5 dollars. I just got it when I pawned off my pair of fruit roll up underwear with 'Spongebob Squarepants' pull out shapes….dahling!

Terrorist: I hate my job.

Jack: The following takes place between 9:00am and 10:00am

Jack begins to leave the warehouse.

Jack: Well, that smells! Now I have to find this person who wrote the note. I better get the forensics team on this. Maybe they can lift some prints off the paper or something. If CSI can do it, we sure as hell should be able too.

Ha wads up the paper and stuffs it into his pocket, running out of the building.

9:03:22, Ronald Palmer is on the phone.

Ronald: Yes, the body of the _previous president_ is still here and it's been well over an hour, and it's starting to smell like feet in here, I demand you bring the…corpse police or whoever you get to do this sort of thing, goodbye.

He hangs up, Tom walks back in.

Tom: Mr. President..

Karen runs in and stands next to Tom.

Karen: I'm here!

Tom: Since you didn't answer my question in last week's cliffhanger. I'll ask again. What is this secret weapon you were going to use against the terrorists?

Ronald: Oh, right.

He picks up the phone.

Ronald: Yes, send in my secret weapon.

Karen: Didn't he call them already in the last episode?

Tom: It's just to keep the viewers up to date since lately the 'Previously On 24' clips never make any sense!

Karen: Good point.

Suddenly, Sherry Palmer walks in, uh, what the?

Tom: GREAT CEASAR'S GHOST! It's Sherry Palmer!

Ronald: Indeed it is, I present to you, _my secret weapon_!

Karen: ZOINKS!

She jumps into Tom's arms, he drops her on the floor.

-THUD!-

Tom: Sherry Palmer is going to be America's last hope against the terrorists?! Don't make me laugh! Hmm, she's been in here for 10 seconds and hasn't started nagging our head's off, now I'm raising questions.

Karen: What's wrong with her?!

Tom: You stole my question!

Ronald: Well, she did die in season 3, but there is something you don't know about Sherry this time around.

Noah walks in.

Noah: Why is there a robot that looks like Sherry Palmer in here?

Ronald: ….ok she's a robot, surprise.

Tom: A robot?! And why Sherry Palmer? What's next, the _Lynne Kresge robot?!_

Ronald: Well, we did try that, but she still has a few bugs.

Out in the hall, two people are talking.

Bob: Can you believe this?

Adam: Yea, I hope CTU does something fast, I would hate to see the president get assassinated! The 2nd one today that is.

The Lynne Kresge robot walks by.

Lynne: _WARNING!__ You. Are. Going. To. Assassinate. The. President!?_

Adam: Uh, what? I didn't say that. I distinctively said…

Lynne:_ I. Must. Warn. The. President! I. Am. Going. To. Tell. On. You!_

Lynne takes two steps before she trips and knocks herself over a railing, sending her straight down a stairwell.

-CRASH!- The Lynne Kresge bot explodes.

Adam: Oookay.

Ronald: That was a waste of 20 bucks. Anyhoo, lets get back to business.

Tom and Karen exchange nervous looks.

At CTU, 9:10:52, Chloe and Nadia are talking.

Nadia: Did you get anything from the voice on the phone?

Chloe: No, it was masked. I couldn't tell a thing.

Chloe picks up the ringing phone.

Chloe: Operator.

Jack: Chloe, I'm being chased by Agents! I need to get out of here, fast. I am looking at a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle, download me a program so I can know how to operate this thing.

Chloe: Jack, this isn't the Matrix! Now, quit fooling around and get up here so I can look at your crap.

Jack: Come on, Chloe, they're catching up to me. At lease get me to a phone so I can log out.

Chloe: Fine, there's a payphone 125 miles south of your location in an abandoned shopping mall that is now being guarded by all sorts of malicious gangs, thugs, murderers, and pedophiles. Have fun.

Jack: WHAT!? Fine, just 'pull the plug' then!

Chloe: But Jack….

Jack: Dammit Chloe, Just do it! I'm running out of time!

Chloe: Fine.

She gets up and walks over to a chair where Jack is sitting, she reaches behind him pulls out a metal plug (with a spike looking thing on the end) out of the back of his head. Jack immediately flops out of the chair and on to the floor, dead.

Chloe: Well, crap.

Nadia: Chloe! What did you do? You just killed Jack, he's the main character!

Chloe: You just answered your own question.

Nadia: This is unbelievable!

Chloe: Whatever, I was going to quit anyway.

She starts to walk out when a bomb goes off, sending her flying head first into a Xerox machine.

-WHAP!-

She slumps to the floor in a puddle of blood.

Nadia: Oh my god! Chloe!

She runs toward her before slipping on Chloe's blood puddle and falls head first into the same Xerox machine.

-WHAP!-

Nadia slumps to the floor next to Chloe, she's dead.

Bill: What the hell is going on out there!?

Bill runs out of his office on the second floor and trips over the railing, falling to his death.

-SPLAT!-

And right next to Morris who succumbed to Salisbury Steak poisoning. Milo just remembered he had a bullet in his head and drops to the floor.

Fred: WILL YOU STOP KILLING OFF EVERYBODY!??!?!

Paul: Oh fine.

Paul turns around to a giant clock and pushes the minute hand back a couple of minutes.

-AND SWOOSH!

At CTU, 9:10:52, Chloe and Nadia are talking.

Nadia: What are you doing?

Chloe: I don't remember. Jack, what's your status?

Jack: I just left the abandoned warehouse, and am noticing a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle; I think I'm going to take it.

He gets on and starts to peddle away before losing his balance and falling off the bike, hitting his head on the curb, he dies from the impact.

Chloe: Jack! Jack, are you dead? Hello, Jack?

Operator: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again. If you need help, try talking to an agent who _isn't dead you moron!_

Chloe: CRAP! (she hangs up)

Nadia: Chloe, I just saw what happened. And I've come to the conclusion that YOU are a mole working for the terrorists.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Nadia: Guards!

The red uniformed police come up to take Chloe to the 'Holding, Torturing, & Beyond' room.

Chloe gets free from the guards grip.

Chloe: You'll never catch me alive, coppers!

She starts to make a break for it when a bomb explodes, sending her flying head first into a Xerox machine.

-WHAP!-

Chloe: Urk!

She slumps to the floor in a puddle of blood, dead.

Milo: DAMMIT! I'm never going to get these flyers copied!!!

Fred: What did I just tell you!?

Paul: Heh, I had to do it one more time.

He turns around and pushes the minute hand back.

-AND SWOOSH-

Chloe: I don't remember. Jack, what's your status?

Jack: I just left the abandoned warehouse, and am noticing a very stylish 'Hello Kitty' tricycle; I think I'm going to take it.

He gets on and starts to peddle away before losing his balance and falling off the bike, hitting his head on the curb, he's NOT dead.

A mother and her child walk up to the unconscious Jack.

Child: Mommy! It's a Counter Terrorist agent! Can I keep him?

Mother: Well, okay sweetie. Let's just be sure to stop at the vet to get his shots, and neutered of course. We would hate to see what would happen if he procreated.

9:15:23, Meanwhile, let's see what _Kim_ is up too, she is getting thrown in a prison cell.

Kim: Hey! You can't keep me here. I'll find a way out!

She pulls out a Pokeball.

Kim: Pikachu! I choose you!

She hurls the ball to the ground.

-WHACK!-

Kim: Uh….Pikachu?

She opens the ball and grimaces in disgust to the site of the bloody poke-mess.

Kim: Oh no! I broke it!

Meanwhile, at the White House.

Noah: And….action!

Tom: You never answered my question, what is the point of the Sherry-bot?

Ronald: She was specifically built to combat the forces of evil.

Karen (whispers to Tom): I thought that was what the 'Bauer-puff' girls were for.

Tom: What did I tell you about taking the 'Previously on 24' clips seriously?

Karen: Oh, right.

Ronald picks up an instruction booklet.

Noah: _You don't know how she works?!_

Ronald: Well of course not! I didn't build her.

Noah rolls his eyes.

Ronald: Okay, apparently she is more effective when using the voice recognition mechanism. (He flips a page)

Tom: So we just have to yell different crap in order for her to do stuff.

Ronald: -ahem-. 'Sherry, I don't care what you say, your opinion doesn't matter. I am going to go to the press about Keith killing Nicole's rapist regardless if it puts my presidency at risk'!

Sherry Bot: _DESTROY!! DESTROY!!!_

Ronald: Well _that_ didn't work. RUN FOR IT!

Everyone bolts out of the oval office as Sherry lets loose a barrage of missiles from under her skirt.

Karen: Wait! I left my 'Hot Pocket' in there!

Tom: There's no time!!!!

-KA BOOOOM!!-

9:33:03, The white house crew look upon the smoldering oval office, Sherry emerges from the smoky carnage / Jack is in the back of the car, on his way to captivity / Bill, Nadia, Chloe, and Morris are in the middle of a heated game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' / Kim is carving a butterfly out of a bar of soap.

Terrorist: You shouldn't be wasting your soap like that, that's all you get. And I'm sure your rescuers are probably getting kidnapped, playing board games, or getting blown up by robotic replicas of previously dead characters, so you're going to be in here for a while.

Kim: Well, that sucks.

Meanwhile, a blue car speeds by.

Jack lifts his head up in the back seat, the mother is driving the car, and the child is in the front seat.

Jack: So, where are we headed?

Mother: We are going to give you a nice home.

Jack: Hmm, that sounds good and all. But I have a Presidential Assassination Plot to stop by this afternoon so I must be going.

He proceeds to scoot to the door to get out, the child hits the locks.

Child (turning around, in an evil raspy voice): _You're not going anywhere!_

Jack (shocked): ….why not?

Child: Because I am going to _torture you_.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because making people suffer is fun.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because I am a sociopath.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because the kids at school make fun of me.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because I have abnormally large ears.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because my mother drank immensely when she was pregnant with me.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because she was pregnant.

Jack: Why?

Child: Because the condom broke….Quit asking so many questions!

Jack: Sorry.

9:41:34, back at CTU, a car pulls up to the parking garage (and it's not the car with Jack in it. That would be careless). Hmm, oh what the hell, let's try it.

The car pulls up, and the mother gets out.

Child: Where….where are we?!

Mother: At CTU! I'm not going to let you boss me around anymore! You're an evil, spoiled, naughty child!

She turns to Jack.

Mother: Sir, it is told that you are the chosen one from the prophecy; you must slay my evil spawn!

Child: RAWR!!!!!

The child transforms into a giant three headed monster.

Jack: Screw that!

He gets out of the car and tries to make a run for it; the Child monster fires a beam at Jack, which sends him flying head first into a Xerox machine.

-WHAP!-

Jack slumps to the ground….dead.

Milo: _Who the hell put my copy machine out here!_ You know what? Forget it, someone else can make flyers!

Pushing the minute hand back to 9:41:34, back at CTU, a car pulls up to the parking garage (and it's not the car with Jack in it. That would be careless). A woman steps out of the car and walks inside. She heads up to Bill Buchanan, who's standing there probably doing nothing.

Bill: Hello.

Girl: Hi, I'm here to apply for a position at CTU.

Bill: Sure, what is your name?

Girl: My name is 'Mole'…'Ima Mole'.

Bill: What do you think would make you a good employee here at the Counter Terrorist Unit?

Girl: I have a brilliant personality, _and I am not a mole working for the terrorists._

Bill: Good enough for me, you're hired!

Chloe slams her head on her desk.

Ima: Okay, I'll go put my stuff in my locker. Have to find a place to store this bomb…er….I meant…._shampoo_.

Bill: Oh, ha ha! Those words sound just alike; I often get them confused myself. Run along now.

Chloe's jaw drops in shock, a bird flies in her mouth. –swoop!-

Chloe: PHLEH! (she spits out feathers).

She gets up and walks over to Bill.

Chloe: Are you nuts!? You just hired someone named 'IMA MOLE', and she just said she has a bomb.

Bill: Now Chloe, nobody like a tattle.

Chloe: GRR!!!

Meanwhile, at the White House.

Workers are still making their way through the rubble to repair the oval office.

Ronald: So, what do you think?

Tom: I think it's odd.

Noah: I think it blows.

Karen: I miss my 'Hot Pocket'.

Ronald: We don't need CTU; we have our new weapon of mass destruction right here.

Sherry bot: _I. Do. Not. Understand._

Ronald: Oh right, hmm. Let's see…..

Tom: Sir, regardless, I do think we should still let CTU handle the presidential assassination attempt, just to be safe. I mean, Sherry does look like a real asset to have, but it seems, just too…..what's the word I'm looking for.

Karen: I agree with whatever Tom is talking about.

Tom: You're not helping. Anyway, I'm just saying, maybe we should leave Sherry to the side, while CTU deals with this. If you happen to get killed this afternoon, then we will consider sending Sherry to deal with the crisis situation. God, that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Ronald: You think so?

Tom: Yes.

Noah rolls his eyes.

Ronald: Okay, I'll have Sherry stand down for now. Okay, how to shut her off. –ahem- Sherry, I want you to be my wife again, though I am only saying this to stall you from going back to your house where Wayne is trying to find the evidence that proves you killed Alan Milliken.

Sherry Bot: _DESTROY!!! DESTROY!!!_

Noah: Ah hell!

Sherry bot bends down on one knee.

Tom: Hmm, this looks promising.

Karen: I can only think that…SHE'S GOING TO BLOW HERSELF UP! Run for the hills!

Sherry Bot: _It. Has. Been. An. Honor. Serving. You._

Ronald: Uh, you weren't done. You haven't done anything yet.

Sherry bot holds out her hand, which turns into a gun. She shoots Ronald Palmer in the chest.

Ronald: Urk!

Noah/Tom/Karen: GASP!

Sherry reaches into Ronald's pants pocket and pulls out a computer chip. She inserts it into a slot on her forearm.

Sherrybot: Ah, that's better.

Karen: She can talk!

Tom: She could always talk, you airhead! Now she can talk more normally, wait, what's with that chip….?

Sherry: Silence! You all work for me now!

Noah: I swear, if I had a quarter for every time someone overlooked my Vice Presidency so they can hire someone else to be President, I'd be one rich son of a……

Sherry: I SAID SILENCE!!!

She fires a beam at the group, sending Noah, Tom, and Karen flying backwards into the wall.

-CRASH!-

Karen: OOF!

Tom: OW!

Noah: Uh, where the hell are the Secret Service?!

Karen: Yea, they sure are kinda sucking right now. Oh right. (She gets on her phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance here at the White House. The President has just been shot, I repeat, the President has just been shot! Try to aim sometime within the next episode, were a little tied up at the moment.

The screen is splitting at 9:57:13, Tom, and Noah brush themselves off, Karen gets off the phone with the Paramedics / Sherry is tapping her fingers together menacingly / Ronald Palmer is lying dead, approximately 35 feet away from the President Callahan's dead body / Jack is tied up somewhere, pissed that he's been kidnapped twice in the course of 3 hours, the kid gets ready to start the torturing process / Ima Mole is unpacking her things / Chloe is spying on Ima, watching her though binoculars and hiding in a giant bush that's sitting in the middle of the floor, wherever that came from / Kim is dancing in the Terrorist Prison talent show.

Morris: Where did this giant bush come from?

Meanwhile, at the kid's house.

Child: I am going to torture you now!

Jack: I am immune to torture, do your worst!

Child: It's the entire DVD episode collection of 'Full House'.

Jack: Oh dear God, I'm done for.

Meanwhile,

Morris: Seriously, where did _that bush_ come from?

Suddenly Audrey runs in.

Audrey: Something's happened, I had like, no lines this episode!

Everyone looks at each other.

Audrey: Oh, and Marilyn Bauer is lying on the ground outside.

Bill and Morris run outside to find Marilyn.

Marilyn: I…-cough-….managed….to…escape…….-hack-

Milo: Oh yea, I forgot she was captured too.

And lastly, at the White House.

Sherry: We will meet again soon….._Jack Bauer!_

Oh, and finally, BACK at CTU.

Ima (on the phone): Hello?…….yes……(she looks around)….._I'm in._

9:59:57

9:59:58

9:59:59

10:00:00

NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW MAMA'S FAMILY….I mean….24!!!!!

-SWOOSH-

Chloe (with a guitar, singing): _Smelly Cat! Smelllly Cat! What have they been feeding you?_

Bill: Get off the stage! You suck!

He throws a tomato and it splats in her face.

-SWOOSHING AGAIN-

Jack rides up on his bicycle and squeaks the horn.

Jack: OH, MR. WILSON!!!!!

Mr. Wilson walks outside.

Mr. Wilson: That Jack Bauer is such a menace.

Jack slams Mr. Wilson up against the wall.

Jack: WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER!? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!? WHERE ARE THE NUKES!?! IF I WAS A VEGETABLE, WHICH ONE WOULD I BE!? TELL ME, DAMMIT!!!

-AND-

Audrey: Kim, you wait here in the car, I'm going to walk around outside like a ninny.

She gets out of the car, and walks about.

Kim: Ooh, I love this song.

She reaches over to turn up the radio but accidentally knocks the car in 'drive', the car rolls forward and off the side of a cliff.

Audrey: Oh no! What have I done?! I can feel myself getting amnesia….wait. _Why the hell would I get amnesia from this?_ Oh well, I guess I should probably go…

A rock comes flying out of nowhere and bonks Audrey in the head.

-bonk!-

Audrey: Oh! _Now _I have amnesia.

-AND-

Nadia: So, Milo. Are you going to take me to the school dance?

Milo: Sorry Nadia, I already asked Karen.

Nadia: What say what now?!

Karen: You snooze you lose, tasty cakes! Let's go, hot stuff!

She and Milo walk off together.

Nadia: Oh my god, kill me off already!

-AND FINALLY-

Kim: Hello, I'm the new PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

Noah, Tom, and Karen stand there with their jaws dropped in shock. A bird flies in Karen's mouth.

Karen: PUPHLEH!!! (bird feathers)

A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT…WHATEVER DAY IT GETS POSTED.


	4. 10:00am 'Back From The Dead'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 4

AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Paul: Ah hell. I asked for Pepperoni, they gave me Canadian Bacon!

WELL, NOTHING IMPORTANT GOING ON THERE. LET'S GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Tony (well, 'Carlos Bernard' is you want to get technical) is in his kitchen making a fresh batch of 'Jiffy Pop'.

Tony (singing to himself): _Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me, don't cha…_

The doorbell rings, thank god.

Tony walks out of the kitchen to go answer the door.

Tony: Oh, hi Michelle, this is so unexpected!

Michelle: Carlos, you invited me. And were not on '24' anymore, my real name is Reiko.

Tony: Come on in, Michelle.

Michelle: ugh.

She walks in the sits down at the couch.

Michelle: So, what's for dinner?

Tony: Jiffy Pop.

Michelle: Oh, how pleasant…

Tony: Yea, I haven't been able to catch any of the episodes from this season of 24.

Michelle: Yea, all I heard was that they killed off 2 presidents in the course of 3 hours.

Tony: That's our '24'!

Michelle turns on the TV as a news program shows up.

(On the TV)

Karen: I'm Karen Hayes.

Tom: And I'm Tom Lennox.

Karen: And you're watching CTU News!

Tom: With local weather girl Chloe O'Brien.

Chloe: There's going to be a cold front moving in this afternoon with breezy skies.

She pulls out her umbrella.

Chloe: With a 95 chance of rain!

Tom throws a bucket of water in Chloe's face.

-SPLASH!-

Chloe: -cough- pteh! IT'S SO COLD!!!!

Karen: Our top story for today. '24' is celebrating making it to the 4th episode this season. We go live to reporter Kimberly Bauer to the cast party. Kim?

Kim: Thanks Sharon.

Karen: GRR!

Kim: Kim Bauer here at the 24 cast party where we are celebrating making it to the 4th episode. I'm here with previously dead characters Milo Pressman and Sherry Palmer. They seem to be excited to be alive again, not like those smelly characters Tony and Michelle!

Michelle: WHAT!?

Tony's kitchen explodes. –KABOOM!-

Tony: Oh no! My Jiffy Pop!

Milo: Hi peeps!

Sherry: Good evening, worthless humans!

Kim: So Milo, why did you come back from the dead?

Milo: Well, I was shot in the face last season, but now I'm here but technically still dead, you can pretty much say I'm a zombie.

Kim: Uh oh. Don't eat me. Ha ha ha!

Milo: I wasn't going to. I'm sure you taste horrible!

Kim: That was rude. Now Sherry, you used to be a robot. Why are you human now?

Sherry: Well, the producers called me up and explained that having the robot play the part of Sherry was more expensive then actually using the actor. So I'll be human from this episode on.

Kim: Neat. Back to you Karen!

Karen: Wow, what an incredibly boring segment. Now, we go to Jack Bauer in the sky, in the CTU News Helicopter for the traffic report. Jack?

Michelle: I can't believe this.

Jack: Thanks Karen, traffic is backed up all the way to the corner of 57th and…hey! Michelle! What are you doing with that remote?! Don't turn me off, you hussy! HEY!!!...

-Click!-

Michelle: This is an outrage!

Tony comes in tearing over his ruined Jiffy Pop.

Tony (sobbing): I know….it's sooo sad!!!

Michelle: I'm not talking about your stupid popcorn! They put Milo and Sherry back on the show and completely shafted us! _We were more important to the plot than they were!_

Tony: Soo….that means….what?

Michelle: Pack your bags, Tony. We're going to the FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Tony: Well, it's right across the street. So we shouldn't have far to walk. (He points out the window to the giant building on the other side.)

Michelle: Well, _that's convenient_.

NOW AT FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Michelle and Tony walk up to the front desk.

Michelle: Hello, I am…uh,…Shasta Mcnasty and this is my male companion, Johnny Bravo. We need to speak with the writers at once!

Secretary: Uh, sure. (She gets on the speaker) Sir, Carlos and Rieko are here to beg for their jobs back.

Michelle: I never did like you.

Tony and Michelle burst in through the writer's room.

Fred: Oh, hello. What brings you two here today?

Tony: Stop the smooth talk, buster!

Fred: Uh, okay?

Michelle: We demand you put us back into the show! Or else!

Fred: Or else what?

Michele: Or else uh….uh…._or the bear gets it!_

Michele holds up a 'Teddy Ruxpin' doll with a stiletto knife up to its throat.

Paul: _NO! NOT TEDDY!_

Fred: Oh fine, we'll put you back in.

Michelle: Really? Wow, that was easy.

She tosses Teddy Ruxpin out the window.

Paul: NOOOOOOOOO! –splat-

Fred: But where can we fit you in the storyline?

Sam hops out of his chair and goes to a nearby closet and pulls out a giant spinning wheel.

Sam: Ladies & Gentlemen! I present to you, 'The Wheel Of Abnormal Plot Twists'!

Fred: Uh, excuse me?

Sam: We will spin the wheel, and the fate of Tony and Michelle will be decided.

Fred: It's almost lunch time, can we speed this up?

Sam: Okay, for Michelle.

He spins the wheel. It spins………and spins…….spinning…….still spinning……..

Tony: And spinning…..

Fred: Will you stop the wheel already!?

Sam stops the wheel, which landed on 'Kim Bauer's Fairy Godmother'.

Michelle: What?!

Fred: I should kill you now for even putting that on there.

Tony: OOH! Do me next!

Sam spins the wheel. It lands on 'Stabbed by Christopher Henderson with a syringe'.

Tony: Sweet!

Michelle: Spin the wheel again…

Sam spins the wheel again, it spins before landing on 'Manager Of Weiner Schnitzel On A Stick'.

Tony: Super sweet!

Fred: ugh…..okay, let's start the show.

Michelle: Finally!

Tony: Roll that beautiful bean footage!

Plink……plink…….plink…….plink……plinkplinkplinknlplinkilpnklpkpiknpiknpkpliki…….24!!!

Bill: PREVIOUSLY!

Chloe: ON!

Jack: 24! (Pulls out pompoms) …GIVE ME A 2!

Bill: Jack, we've already started on last week's clips.

Jack: Aw, poo!

-SWOOSH!-

(Oh, and charters with (THEIR NAME IN THE BOX LIKE THIS) during the recaps get their own personal intro square. Keepin it real, yall)

Bill and Jack play football in the backyard.

Bill: Okay, ready?

Jack: Ready.

Bill: Go long!

Bill runs to the end of the backyard and throws the football to Jack, he misses the catch and the ball whizzes past him.

Audrey walks out into the backyard.

Audrey: Hey, guys! Dinner's ready….(the ball smacks her in the face)

-WHAP!-

Audrey: OW! MY NOSE! (AUDREY RAINES)

-I DON'T RECALL THAT HAPPENING-

Tom: Karen stole the cookies from the cookie jar! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

Karen: Who me?

Tom: Yes you.

Karen: Couldn't be.

Tom: Then who?

Noah: I've officially lost all hope for this country. (VICE PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)

-AND-

Jack: If this bus goes any slower than 50 miles an hour, the bomb will go off, and we will all die! (JACK BAUER)

Nadia: Fine, let me stop for some gas. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Jack: Okay…oh crap!

-BOOM!!!!-

-AND FINALLY-

Audrey walks out into the backyard.

Audrey: Hey guys, dinner's ready…

-WHAP!-

Audrey: OW! MY NOSE!

-YOU ALREADY PLAYED THAT CLIP, DAMMIT! NOW, AND FINALLY-

Jack: Chloe, throw me my jacket. I have to save Kim and stop this assassination attempt on the President!

Chloe: Go long!

Chloe throws a football, and it whizzes past Jack.

Audrey (coming out of the bathroom): Hey guys, Dinner's ready!

-WHAP!-

Audrey: OW! MY NOSE!

-WILL YOU PLAY THE STUPID SHOW ALREADY?!-

Audrey: The following takes place between 10:00am and 11:00am. (A football comes out of nowhere and smacks her in the face).

-WHAP!-

Audrey: OW! DAMMIT! THAT'S IT!!!!

Jack: Oh crap, she's pissed, run for your lives!

Deep within the evil, dark depths in the evil kid's basement…..that's evil.

Evil Kid (on a cell phone): Yes, everything is going smoothly. He hasn't cracked though.

Jack is in the fetal position, rocking back and forth; slowly going insane with the 'Full House' theme song running through his head non stop.

Jack (slightly singing): _…everywhere you look….everywhere you go…..there's a heart…..a hand to hold onto….._

Voice on phone: It sounds like you overdid it with the 'Full House' marathon.

Evil Kid: We didn't even get through one episode! He went mental before the opening credits ended.

Voice: Bring him to me when you're finished with him.

Evil Kid: Okay, I have to finish my homework first.

He hangs up the phone.

Evil Kid: Okay, Jack. Are you ready to give me the information I need?

Jack: NEVER!

Evil Kid: That's it! I'm putting in 'Blossom'!

Jack: Crap….

10:04:23, AT CTU!

Marilyn Bauer is lying on the ground outside where Audrey found her in last week's episode. A blue van pulls up and 2 terrorists hop out and grab her, they throw Tony out on the ground in her place.

Marilyn: What!? You're kidnapping me _again!?_ I just got out!

Terrorist Bob: This guy is getting on my nerves! He keeps wanting to sell me his _wiener schnitzel_!

Tony: …on a stick!

Marilyn: Nooooo!

The van drives off as Audrey, Milo, Bill, and Nadia run outside.

Audrey: What the hell!?

Bill: Audrey, I thought you said Marilyn was out here, it's just Tony.

Nadia: Why would they bring back a cast member who died already, that's just tacky…

Suddenly a big muscled man walks up.

Man: I have a complaint. Jack Bauer promised to protect my kitty cat, 'Mr. Fuzzywumpkins' from the terrorists, and they got a hold of him!

He holds up a completely shaven Mr. Fuzzywumpkins.

Man: And to think he gave me his word.

Bill: That don't mean crap!

Man: This travesty is inexcusable! Who is the director of CTU?

Bill and Nadia (pointing to Milo): _HIM!!!_

They run like hell back inside. The man beats the crap out of Milo.

Milo: OW! OOF! OUCH!!!!

Meanwhile, Chloe is walking down the hall when she overhears Ima talking on the phone in a suspicious foreign language. She hides behind a potted plant.

Ima (on the phone): Wocka! Wocka loogey mooshananana low key mah san!...Key…..moo goo gai pan…..tokana chili con queso el BOMB!

Chloe: What the butter is she talking about? Wait, she just said '_bomb'_! That can't be good.

Ima laughs maliciously then hangs up the phone before walking away.

Chloe: She's acting _way _too suspicious. I must go tell Bill. But wait, he's not very good at keeping things discreet.

-FLASHBACK-

Bill and some security walk up to (the new intern) Yura's desk.

Bill: Yura Mole, we're placing you under arrest!

Yura: What? Why?

Bill: We've received an anonymous tip that you are a mole from CHLOE O'BRIEN. (He points, shouting). RIGHT OVER THERE! SEE?! HEY CHLOE! YOU'RE STILL GETTING OFF WORK AT 5 O CLOCK! RIGHT!?

Yura: Grr….(he sharpens his sword)

Chloe groans and sinks down underneath her desk.

-END OF FLASHBACK-

Chloe: Yea, that memory blew! Well, maybe it is just my imagination…

A smaller version of Chloe pops up on her right shoulder.

Angel Chloe: Chloe, you must go tell Bill, and stop Ima!

Chloe: _Who the hell are you!?_

Angel Chloe: I'm your conscience! Now Chloe, you must warn the others. Ima is up to something bad, I can feel it! Only you can save your friends, and CTU!

Chloe: Your right!

Then a darker version of Chloe popped up on her left shoulder.

Devil Chloe: Chloe, you fool! What would Bill think if you were ratting out his newest recruit; as if he would believe you. Besides, _it's Bill_. All he does is sit in his office all day watching _'Reading Rainbow'_!

Chloe: Also a good point.

Angel: But your friends! Chloe!

Chloe: Your right! I must save my friends!

Devil: They're not your friends! I actually overheard Audrey telling Nadia that you're nothing but a turd faced pimple on the butt of society who will never amount to anything!

Chloe: She said that?!

Devil: _She even put it on her 'myspace'._

Chloe: _That bitch!_

Angel: SHUT YOUR FACE! Audrey didn't say any of that!

Devil: Quiet, you!

Angel and Devil Chloe start beating the crap out of each other.

Chloe: ACK! Quit it! You're messing up my hair!

She starts slapping herself.-slap- -slap- -slap-

Morris stops in the middle of the hall to witness Chloe freaking out and slapping herself, he turns around and walks away.

10:11:23 In the nasty terrorist prison. Kim is sitting in the corner of her cell.

Kim: Being kidnapped sucks. I'm going to cry now!

Suddenly, a pink sphere materializes in the room and starts to float down, landing in front of Kim.

Kim: What the? Michelle, is that you?

Michelle is inside the pink ball, wearing a giant pink dress, a huge pink crown, and holding a big ass star wand in her hand.

Michelle: Kimberly. I am Michelle, the Wicked Witch of The North…West! I am here to grant you a wish, to make your dream come true!

Kim: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

Michelle: Now go Kim, make your wish and I your fairy godmother will…._how the hell do I get out of this thing?_

She feels around the inner wall of the giant pink sphere.

Kim: Well, you know. Being held hostage in this nasty prison made me realize how much I would like to be president!

Michelle: Help! I'm trapped in this stupid ball! I can't breathe……urk!

She slumps down the side of the ball and suffocates.

Kim: Well, _that was pointless…_

Meanwhile…

Fred: Kim Bauer as _president?!_ Are you nuts!?

Paul: Well, she wanted to do it. And it fits with the 'Michelle as her fairy godmother' side plot.

Fred: You have got to be kidding me! It would be less harmful to the country just to blow it up!

Paul: Just run with it, it'll be over by the top of the hour.

Fred: Well, that's convenient.

And…action!

Michelle: Okay, I'm back. Now let's see, we need to get you to the White House. I'll turn this maggot infested rotten watermelon into a carriage. Now I need something to turn into the horses to pull the carriage.

Talking Mice: _We'll do it!_

Michelle: Excellent.

Kim: Uh, Michelle. Are you referring to the White House that's on the other side of _the country_?

Michelle: Oh, well forget that then. Okay I'll just poof you out. (she waves her big ass star wand) Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Boo!

-POOF-

Kim: ooooh. Where am I.

Kim looks over at a sign that reads 'Welcome To Sunnydale, Home Of The Hellmouth'.

Kim: Uh, this doesn't look right.

A man with glasses runs up to Kim.

Giles: Now, Buffy. This vampire is one of the most evilest of all the land. You must drive this wooden stake into its heart to vanquish the beast. Ready?

Kim: READY!

Giles: GO!

Kim plunges the stake into Giles' chest. –shoink-

Giles: Urk! (He falls to the floor)

Kim: Oops! _Butterfingers_!

Cordelia: Buffy, you dumbass! You just killed Giles! He's the smartest one on the show!

Kim: Uh, my bad! MICHELLE!!!!!!

Kim poofs out

-POOF-

Kim is in a storage room. Jack walks in.

Kim: Daddy!

Jack: Sorry, there's no time for that now.

Kim: What are you talking about?

Jack: Listen Claudia, I know that I've been addicted to heroine because I've been dealing with the Salazar brothers prior to the events in Season 3, and I know that I ditched you last time when I left, but the truth is..I love you.

Kim: Uh, what?

Jack: Thanks for helping Chase escape, by the way.

Kim: WHAT!?

Jack: Your boyfriend Hector is insane. You must escape with your father and annoying child, and try not to get shot.

Kim: My head hurts.

Jack: Okay, one kiss for the road, I'm going to use tongue!

Kim: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! MICHELLE!!!

-POOF-

10:23:14, AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

Tom: About time we got some screen time.

Karen: Word to your mother.

Sherry walks in.

Tom: ACK! You're no longer robot woman!

Sherry: That's right! And now for my first command as the new human president of the United States…

The chandelier suddenly detaches from the ceiling and crushes Sherry to death.

-CRASH!-

Tom: That was fast.

Tom: The president is dead….and it hasn't even been 5 minutes. And yet the bodies of the previous 2 presidents are still here….-sigh-

Noah bolts out of the room to get the joint chiefs.

Karen: Ooh, she's dead! I call her 'Bagel Bites'. (She picks up a plate on the desk, and digs in.)

Back at CTU at 10:26:59, Ima Mole is walking down a hallway and into her room. She walks past her bed and sits down at her mirror and begins to brush her hair. Chloe is hiding under the bed.

Chloe: Okay, her weird telephone conversation isn't good enough proof to turn her in, I need more concrete evidence.

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a tape recorder.

Chloe (to tape recorder): Okay, the time is 10:27, I am in phase one of 'Operation Ima Mole Is a Mole and everybody here is _too stupid_ to notice!'. Okay, for starters…._where the hell did this bedroom come from?!_ I never got my own bedroom.

Ima: What was that?

Chloe: Nothing!

Ima: Oh okay. (She goes back to brushing).

Chloe: Ok, I couldn't find anything under her bed.

She looks to her side to see a large amount of explosives.

Chloe: GASP! (her jaw drops as a bird walks under the bed and up to her, she clamps her hand over her mouth and smacks the bird away from her.

Ima: I better get some sleep.

Chloe (to herself): Good, while she's asleep I can sneak out of here and warn the others.

Then, Big Bertha from 'Accounting' walks in.

Bertha: Hi Ima!

Ima: Hey, Big Bertha. Thanks for letting me use _your_ mirror in _your_ room.

Chloe: uh oh.

Bertha: No problem, I'm going to go to bed now.

-PLOP!-

She jumps on her bed, the bottom of the mattress sinks down on Chloe, squishing her to the floor. She tries to wiggle to get unstuck but accidentally arms the explosives.

Explosives: Timer has been activated!

Chloe: Crap a duck!

Explosives: Detonation will commence in…..what time is it?

Chloe: About 10:30.

Explosive: Detonation will commence in 30 minutes.

Chloe: ugh….

10:30:12, Jack is being forced to eat lunch with the kid and his mother / Chloe is stuck under Bertha's bed / Marilyn is riding in the Terrorist Van / 2 terrorists are baffled on how Kim disappeared / Tony is setting up a 'CTU Gift Shop'.

Mother: Eat your vegetables, Billy's hostage.

Jack: No, vegetables stink!...Your name's Billy?!

Billy: Thanks for giving my identity away, mom!

Meanwhile.

Noah and the joint chiefs are running down the hallway.

Noah bursts through the doors.

Noah: Now hurry up and do your thing before another Palmer sibling shows up!

Joint Chief Bob: Okay, by act of the 25th amendment, I now pronounce you 'PRESIDENT….Noah Daniels'.

Tom: Gasp!

Karen: Gasper!

Noah: Yes, I am FINALLY president!

Joint Chief Bob: Now, Mr. President, the cameras are rolling. Would you like to make a speech to the American Public regarding the crisis situation, whatever that is.

Noah: _With pleasure!_

Noah walks over to a podium that came out of nowhere and adjusts the microphone.

Noah: My fellow Americans…..

Suddenly the podium explodes, and Noah goes flying.

-BOOM!-

Karen: Oh no! My podium! _It's ruined! _

Tom: You have got to be kidding me…

Karen starts to get on the phone with the ambulance, then suddenly, Kim appears out of nowhere.

Kim: Hi everybody!

Tom: WHAT THE CRAP!?

Kim: Don't worry…._I will be president!_ And for my first order: Karen, I hereby promote you to the position of 'Supreme Girlfriend!'.

Karen: Sweet!

Kim: And Tom, this shirt doesn't fit me, take it back to 'Old Navy' and get me my refund.

Tom: This is the high point of my career.

Kim: Being president rules!

Michelle: Another satisfied customer.

The Fairy Elder Gods: You have done well Michelle!

Michelle: Thanks! Do I get a promotion now?

Elder Gods: Well, no. You're pretty much going to be stripped of your powers and thrown in the terrorist prison with Marilyn Bauer.

Michelle: WHAT!?

She poofs out. –POOF-

10:35:22, At CTU

Nadia walks over to Morris' computer.

Nadia: We haven't heard anything from Jack in quite some time.

Morris: Well, dahling, what do you suggest?

Nadia: ….Google him.

Morris pulls up 'Google' and types in 'Jack Bauer'.

Morris: He's being held hostage in some psycho kid's basement and being forced to watch endless episodes of 'Full House' as a torture method in order for him to leak information on how to compromise CTU's security system.

Nadia: It says all that?

Morris: It sure does. (He quickly hides his copy of the script as Nadia looks away, cheater!)

Nadia: Chloe, I need you down here…..uh, Chloe? Where the hell is she!?

Still under Big Bertha's bed, that's where.

Chloe: I can't believe you don't like 'Harry Potter'.

Bomb: I just can't get into it.

Chloe: The books are awesome, and the movies are really well done too, even though they left some crap out. How can you not like it?

Bomb: It's just…unrealistic.

Chloe: Uh, duh. It's fiction. God, you're a boring bomb. How much time left?

Bomb: About 20 minutes.

Chloe: Man…I wish she'd wake up already, this mattress is crushing me.

Bomb: Tell me about it, if she rolls over the wrong way it could set me off at any second.

Chloe (rolls her eyes): Oh how lovely!

Bill comes down the stairs.

Nadia: Bill, I can't find Chloe.

Bill: Nadia, I can't find my doughnuts.

Nadia: Jack is being held captive by some insane child. I think we should get an away team put together so we can rescue him.

Bill: Really? Okay, we better get an away team put together, so we can rescue Jack.

Nadia: I just said that!

Morris: Great idea Bill!

Nadia: It was my idea, dammit!

Milo: Yea, Bill! You're the man!

Tony: Three cheers for Bill Buchanan and his awesome idea!

Everyone: Huzzah!

Nadia: Bastards…

10:43:04, Jack is still in the basement / Morris goes to prep his team / Kim is looking out the White House window / Marilyn gets thrown in the terrorist prison, Michelle poofs in next to her, the terrorists shrug and walk away / Tom is standing in the line at 'Old Navy'

Billy (The evil kid): Now tell me what I need to know!

Jack: What was that?

Billy: I want to know the 5-digit secret access code to completely shut down all of CTU's technology and security systems. _Why you would have something like that_ is pretty stupid, but what bad guy would I be if I didn't take advantage of it?

Jack: A sucky one?

Billy: Quiet! Now, tell me or your friends will die!

Jack: My friends are alive?

Billy: Yes.

Jack: Oh…yay!

Billy: But they will be killed…again.

Jack: Oh…poo…oh well, I don't care. I'll just pretend they were dead.

Billy: You wouldn't have to pretend, _they would be dead_. Because I would kill them.

Jack: No they're _about_ to be dead, I would just have to pretend from now on as if they never came back to life.

Billy: You're not making any sense! Forget it, I'll just have to do something else.

Billy: Hmm…Yes! Okay, Jack. Give me the code or (he holds up a doll), 'Strawberry Shortcake' gets it!

Jack: NOT THAT! Her hair smells like fresh strawberries! Okay, okay. I can only go so far. The code is….11111.

Billy: That's it?!

Jack: Yes.

Billy: Works for me. (He gets on the phone).

Back at CTU, Ima answers her cell phone.

Ima: Yes?

Billy: Ima, it's me. The code is '11111'.

Ima: That's it!? Wow, that was careless of them. Okay, I'll put in the code and deactivate their security systems long enough for Bertha to plant the bomb that is hiding under her bed!

Billy: Excellent, were counting on you, Ima Mole.

Ima hangs up and walks into Bertha's room.

Ima: Bertha, I got the shutdown code. Get ready to plant the bomb.

Bertha: Right, boss!

Chloe: This is awful! And I can't believe I heard that entire conversation while being trapped under this bed.

Bomb: You would think after so many _moles_, they would learn not to have such incriminating conversations in a place where the walls are paper thin!

Chloe: What am I going to do?!

The screen starts to shrink down at…

Chloe: Uh, hello? There's still like, 15 minutes left in the show!

Oh sorry, the screen grows back to its original size.

Chloe: Geez.

At Psycho's.

Jack: There's a mole! Wait, they hired someone named 'Ima Mole'!?

Billy: Yes.

Jack: That was careless of them.

Meanwhile, At Old Navy.

Tom: What do you mean 'I have to have my receipt or no refund'!?

Clerk: Uh, it doesn't get any clearer than that. Besides, store policy.

Tom: This is for President Kimberly Bauer! God, that left a bad taste in my mouth!

Clerk: Oh my god……somebody actually _made her president!?_

Tom: Don't ask.

At CTU.

Bill: Okay team, Jack is gone so Morris will lead you into the rescue mission.

Morris: That's me!

Bill: And he's not a field agent. But Milo is supposed to be dead, Jack is missing, and god only knows why Doyle hasn't been introduced to the plot yet.

Morris: But who is going to take my place while I'm gone?

Bill: Our newest recruit, Ima, will take over from here. She better be careful though, since disabling CTU security system is only 5 button clicks away!

Chloe (in the distance): Noooooooooo!

Milo: What was that?

Bill: Damn, those ferrets are in the vents again. (He gets on a speaker) Security, release the Ferret Exterminatory Toxin into the air ventilation system.

Nadia: Uh, Bill..?

Morris: Let's go, dahlings!

They march off.

10:52:22, at the White House.

Kim: What do you mean, 'They wouldn't take the shirt back because I didn't have a receipt, and now they're laughing at the fact that I'm president?'

Tom: It doesn't get any clearer than that.

Karen: How did you get back here sofast? (She looks out the window), oh there's an 'Old Navy' next to the White House! Who knew?

Kim: I won't stand for this. _This country won't stand for this_!

Tom: Uh….

Kim picks up the phone.

Kim: Get me the Super Secret Service General!...yes…..General, get your men ready. For I, the president, am initiating an air assault on 'Old Navy'.

Tom: Oh, Christ….(he slaps his forehead)

Karen (on the phone): Anybody want anything from 'Pizza Palace'?

Meanwhile, under Bertha's bed.

Chloe: Am I dead?

Bomb: No, you're still kicking.

Chloe: I've been under this bed forever.

Bomb: You better do something fast, there's only 7 minutes left.

Chloe: Crap….

She scurries out from under the bed.

Bertha: HEY! What are you doing here!

Chloe: Uh….

Chloe grabs the bomb from under the bed and whacks Bertha upside the head with it.

-KA WHACK!-

Bomb: That wasn't smart, now I can go off at any second!

Chloe: Well, pop tarts! That sucks!

Ima is at the computer.

Ima: Let's see. Main Menu…..Tools…….CTU Inconvenient 5 minute Security System Shutdown Program….here we go. Password….11111…..and….-click-

Suddenly the lights go off as well as the computers.

Bill: Well, this isn't good.

Milo: Now what?

Back in Bertha's room.

Chloe: There, I feel better….whoa….not anymore, I feel woozy. ACK! What's that green cloud coming out of the air vent?!

Bomb: That looks like Ferret Killing Gaseous Fumes.

Chloe: Oh, that's a relief…

Bomb: Uh, it's harmful for human inhalation too.

Chloe gasps in shock.

Bomb: That's not helping!

Chloe exhales and bolts out of the room.

The screen shrinks down at 10:55:28, Chloe is running down the hall / Jack is still sitting in the basement, wishing he had a better part in this episode / Michelle is sitting the terrorist prison with Marilyn, who is carving pictures of her and Jack into the wall…creepy / Ima is grinning with confidence as people run around in panic / Kim is staring out the window of the white house again, someone tells her that the fighter pilot is on the phone for her / Karen is painting a picture of Tom lying seductively on the couch…-shudder- / Noah is still in surgery / Morris is in a van with the rescue team / Audrey is in Tony's gift shop looking around.

Audrey: How much is this _Jack Bauer Talking Doll_?

Tony: $49.95!

Audrey: WHAT!? That's a rip-off!

She pulls the string.

Jack: _Won't you come to my tea party?! I'm going to serve a nice big bowl of strawberry ice cream!_

Audrey: That's not even his voice!

Tony: _It actually is…_

Audrey: Eeww…(she drops the doll on the floor) –crack-

On the floor in the main hall, Bill, Nadia, and Milo are sitting in a circle holding hands.

Bill (singing, playing the guitar): _Kum-ba-ya…my lord……kum-ba-ya……I dooont knooow the rest of the sooong…_

Nadia: Bill, you suck at this!

Bill: Fine, your turn, Milo. (He hands him the guitar).

Milo: Yay. –ahem- (He starts singing) _Clowns never laughed before…Beanstalks never…_

Chloe: GUYS! PROBLEM!!!

Milo: Shut your face, you troll! I'm trying to sing!

Chloe: Milo, you ass hat! Nobody wants to hear you sing! Anyway, I have to warn you that there's a…..(she passes out, must have been those Ferret Fumes).

Bomb: I told her not to breathe, but did she listen…no! Oh, time for me to go boom.

The bomb explodes and CTU starts to shake violently and explosions are heard everywhere.

Bill (running while dodging falling debris): We'll be right back…..after a commercial break from……_Church's Chicken_…ACK!!!

-KABOOM!-

At Billy's house.

Billy: I'm out of time. I'm going to kill you now!

Jack: It's a little thing called a 'contract' my friend. I'm not going anywhere…

Suddenly Morris and the rescue team bust in, one of the group members pounces on Billy and arrests him.

Billy: Hey I'm only 7, you can't arrest me!

Morris unties Jack.

Morris: You okay, dahling?

Jack: Yea, but how is Danny Tanner going to take Stephanie to school, he has to be at work in 5 minutes. I don't trust Joey though, I think him and Jesse are pushing drugs on the side, _if you know what I mean_!

Morris: Riiiiight, okay, dahlings, let's roll. And take this brat with us, we got some questions to ask you when we get back to CTU!

Mother: Young man! You are grounded!

Billy: Aw, man…

Morris: Uh, what are you doing?

Mother: I'm sending him to his room for being a very bad boy!

Morris: Uh, he kidnapped and tortured a federal agent and was an accomplice to compromising a government agency's security system which will delay the investigation of a terrorist assassination attempt on the _president_. 'Getting sent to his room' is kinda not going to cut it, lady…

Jack: How do you know all that?

Morris: Uh, I'm just smart, dahling. It's not like I looked at the _script_ or anything. That would be pretty rude of me, heh heh.

Jack: ….cheater…

Mother: Well, he's going to his room anyway…without dinner!

Jack: Can I have his dinner! Oh wait…is it still sloppy joes?

Mother: Yes.

Jack: Pass…

The White House

Kim: _Yeeeess?_ Mr. Fighter pilot?

Pilot: President Bauer, I've received orders to initiate an air assault on 'Old Navy', is that correct?

Kim: You sure did get there fast.

Pilot: Yea, we were just flying around in circles until someone ordered us to blow something up.

Kim: Do it…

Co-Pilot: _But they're having a sale on 'performance fleece'!_

Pilot: Quiet, you!

Kim watches the radar as the little plane inches closer to the target, suddenly Kim poofs out of the room.

She poofs in the Terrorist Prison with Michelle and Marilyn.

Kim: Aw, dang. It ended.

Back at The White House.

Karen: Now's my chance!

She bolts to the phone.

Karen: President Bauer just croaked, stop the air assault! 'Old Navy' has fashionable garments for boys and girls at competitive prices!

Pilot: Actually, 'Target's' prices are much lower, and they have a better selection!

Karen: Really? Oh, well go ahead then. (she hangs up)

Pilot: Yay!

-OLD NAVY GO BOOM!-

Tom walks in as the paramedics wheel out Rolando Callahan, Ronald and Sherry Palmer.

Tom: Finally! It smells so much better in here…

CTU is up in smoke and falling apart. Ima is standing across the street. She is talking on the phone.

Ima (on the phone): Yes…..yes sir…..it has been done……CTU has been destroyed. I'll come pick up my check in about 30 minutes.

Charles Logan (on the other side): Good…..I'll see you then……

He hangs up.

10:59:57

10:59:58

10:59:59

11:00:00

Paul: Thank god that's over.

Fred: Now we have the resurrected bodies of Milo, Sherry, Tony AND Michelle to worry about! I hope you're happy.

Sam: I sure am!

Fred: Quiet, you!

NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF: 24!!!!

-SHOOSH-

Jack: EARTH!

Bill: FIRE!

Chloe: WIND!

Audrey: WATER!

Morris: HEART, dahling!

Mysterious Blue Man: BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED! I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!

Captain Planet: Whew! Mmm…that sure was a good cheeseburger!

He tosses the wrapper which misses the trash can.

Chloe (pointing): CAPTAIN PLANET JUST LITTERED! Kick his ass!

The Planeteers run up and beat the crap out of Captain Planet with their aluminum baseball bats.

-WHAP!-

-AND-

Bill: Michelle!

Michelle: Bill!

Tony: Bill!

Bill: Tony!

Tony: Michelle!

Michelle: Tony, you know I'm alive.

Bill answers his phone.

Karen: Husband!

Bill: Oh yea, I forgot about you.

Karen: HEY!

-AND-

On top of a skyscraper, Chloe bursts through a door to the roof. Ima stands on the edge.

Chloe (drawing her gun): I finally found you. It ends here, IMA MOLE!

Ima: You'll never stop the bomb in time!

Chloe: What bomb? You already blew up CTU!

Ima: _Oh, there's another one!_

Chloe: That sucks!

-SHOOSH!-

Jack and Audrey are standing on the front of a giant ship as is sails the ocean. He has a hold of her while her arms are spread out.

Audrey: I feel like, I'm flying.

Jack: Are you serious, A Titanic gag? That horse has been beaten to the ground, screw this.

Jack pushes her off the boat.

Audrey: I feel like I'm falling!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

-Splash!-

-AND FINALLY-

Audrey Raines: Okay Jack Bauer is playing 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' and is on the $100 question. Here we go.

Audrey: Okay, Jack. What popular brand of Cereal has you believing it's saying "Snap! Crackle! And Pop!" is it:

A. Rice Krispies

B. Bill Buchanan's Sugar Frosted Garbage Balls

C. Kellogg's Pinwheels Of Doom

D. Terror-O's

Jack: Hmm…..Let me use my 50/50 lifeline.

Audrey: Jack, you can't be serious. Fine, computer, randomly take away 2 of the incorrect answers.

A. Rice Krispies

B.

C.

D. Terror-O's

Jack: Oh no, my gut was telling me it was B. Better ask the audience to make sure.

Audrey rolls her eyes. The audience polls their decision.

A. Rice Krispies 99

B.

C.

D. Terror-O's 1

Jack: Hmm, I don't like the odds of that 1, better phone a friend.

Audrey lowers her head in disgust.

Audrey: Okay, Our friends at AT&T will get a hold of your friend. Who is this friend of yours?

Jack: They're my roommates from college who are brothers. In fact, they're magical elves who go by the names of 'Snap', 'Crackle', and Pop'!

Audrey buries her face in her hands. Jack gets on the phone and tells them the question.

Jack: YO SNAP! I got's a question for ya!

Snap: You moron! It's Rice Krispies!

Crackle: Yea, hello! Our names are in the question for cryin out loud!

Pop: And you had a bowl for breakfast this morning! Were on the friggin box!!

Time runs out.

Jack: They didn't sound too sure.

Audrey: IT'S RICE KRISPIES YOU FOOL!

She pulls out a gun and shoots Jack in the face.

Chloe (in the audience, clapping): Yay, I win. I told you she'd kill him by the 1st question, pay up.

Bill, Nadia, Morris, and Milo each pay Chloe 20 bucks.

God that went on way too long, oh well, anyway, AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK!


	5. 11:00am 'Crappy Meal'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 5

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Paul is watching last week's episode.

Fred: Sup?

Paul: You know, I was wondering, why hasn't Doyle been introduced in the story yet?

Fred: Uh, who?

Paul: Mike Doyle?

Fred: Well, we're just waiting for the right time to place him in the plot, that's all.

Paul: So, what's he doing until then?

Meanwhile, In THE MYSTICAL LAND OF FORGOTTEN CAST MEMBERS!

Mike Doyle: Yes, even though a bomb blew up in my face last season…and blinded me, I'm shooting to get back on the show.

Josh Bauer: Yeah, after Season 6 my mom sent me to military school.

Doyle: Yea, I got sent to private school once when I was your age, it wasn't pleasant.

----FLASHBACK----

Doyle is on the auditorium stage in front of the entire school. A large lady walks out with a whip.

Ms. Trunchbull: Now, Mike. I know you ate my delicious chocolate cake! Didn't you?

Doyle (with chocolate all over his face): No, Ms. Trunchbull.

Trunchbull: LIAR! You will tell me the truth or I'll throw you in _The Chokey!_

She points to a nearby closet that is filled with an array of painful torture devices.

Doyle: Well, okay….guilty!

Ms. Trunchbull: I bet it was good, _wasn't it?_

Doyle: My mom's is _better_.

Trunchbull: Grr. Okay then if you like cake so much…have some more…(she plops a giant chocolate cake on the table) EAT THAT!

Doyle: With pleasure…

-Later-

Doyle: Ms. Trunchbull, I'm think I'm going to throw up

Ms. Trunchbull: You will finish it, or you're going in _THE CHOKEY!!!_

Doyle: Bitch, how about _you_ go into the chokey!

Doyle shoves the giant Ms. Trunchbull into the closet and slams the door.

Trunchbull: NOOOO!

The kids in the audience cheer him on: DOYLE!...DOYLE!...DOYLE!!...

---END OF FLASHBACK---

Doyle (daydreaming)….Doyle…..Doyle…..Doyle….

Josh: Uh….

Martha Logan: Mike, would you like more coffee?

Doyle: Hmm? Oh, I'm fine thanks.

Martha: Sandra, how many sugars in yours?

Sandra Palmer: 2 please.

Clerk: NUMBER 26! Calling NUMBER 26!!!

Doyle looks at his number.

Doyle: Hey, that's my number!

Doyle walks up to the desk.

Doyle: I'm number 26.

Clerk: Okay, I'll give you the rundown of what's happening in '24'. There's an assassination attempt on the president happening at 4:00 today, CTU has been blown up, also, Sherry Palmer and Kim Bauer _have already been president_, albeit only for a short time. Now pick a slip from the 'Character Plot' hat.

Doyle picks a piece of paper.

Clerk (reading the paper): You've just returned from 'Sesame Street on Ice'. Your character is set! BYE!

Doyle: I don't think I want to go back.

Clerk: Too late, you already picked a number (he pulls a rope, Doyle falls through a hole)

Doyle: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Mike Novick: Hey, why did you let him go? I'm number 26!

Clerk: Really? (He looks at Doyle's ticket) Oh, he was _126._ Well, I already sent him, so you'll have to wait. Here, have _this_ ticket instead! (He hands him Doyle's ticket)

Novick: -groan-

Beep…..beeepp……beep……beeepp………..bebepebpgebpgbepgbep…..4!!!!

Fred: Oh, crap. The digital display is out on the '2'! Somebody call maintenance.

Morris: Here and ready to work, dahling!

Fred: NOT YOU! Hey, you're not supposed to be here! Get back on the set!

Morris: Oh, sorry. (He leaves)

Jack: PREVIOUSLY ON 24!

Audrey, better known as _Audriel the mermaid_, swims through the ocean, bummed out about not having the life of an actual human with legs.

Audriel: Man, this stinks. I wish I had legs so I can walk with the humans on land and marry Jack Bauer, the prince…or whatever. Oh well, I'll just brush my hair with _this fork._ Eww! There's crap on it! (She throws the fork away).

Morris the lobster and Milo the flounder swim up next to her.

Morris the lobster: Aye, dontcha' wurry boot a ting, Awdriel.

Audriel: The Jamaican accent isn't working for you, Morris.

Morris the lobster: Sorry, dahling.

Milo the flounder: I'm scared of everything!

Audriel: Well, good thing I have this statue of Jack Bauer sitting here on the ocean floor so I can fantasize about him_ every night!_

King James Heller, Ruler of the Seas shows up out of nowhere.

James Heller: HA! HA!, NOT ANYMORE! (he takes his fish wand and zaps the statue, blowing it to smithereens.)

-KABOOM!-

Audriel: NOO!

Milo: Sucks to be you…

Audriel: Boo! Hoo!

Morris: What's that?

Suddenly, Nina Myers the Sea Witch enters with her pet eels Flotsam and Jetsam.

Nina: Hmm….what seems to be the problem, my child? Even though I can pretty much see everything that's going on.

Audriel: I want legs!

Nina: Fine, I will give you legs. But you must give me your voice so I can store it in this seashell necklace.

Audriel: What the hell good is _that going to do!?_

Nina: Because my voice is raspy and gross, and when I come up to the surface later to steal your man, I'll suck it out and be able to sing _beautifully._

Milo: You're wasting your time, _she sings like crap!_

Audriel: SHUT UP! I'll do it!

Nina: Okay, NOW SING!!!

Audriel: LLLAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Nina: UGH! Nevermind, I'll just take something else….how about _your arms?_ Mine are so big and flabby, like _batwings_ they are!

Audriel: I can't give you my arms! What good will that do if I marry Prince Jack Bauer, I can't _wrap my legs around him_!..._unless_…

Milo: CENSORS!!!

Morris: Dahling, you do realize this is a children's show, right?

Fred: OH MY FREAKING GOD! WILL YOU START THE SHOW ALREADY!??!!?

Paul: Sorry, -click-

Jack: PREVIOUSLY ON 24!!!

Jack wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing.

Jack (in an old woman voice): _The Jack Bauer Residence, Ethel speaking!_ (JACK BAUER).

Terrorist: Oh hi Ethel. Can you tell Jack that the president will die at 4:00 today!

Jack: _With pleasure! _(he hangs up)….oh wait, that's bad.

CTU, Bill Buchanan gets a call about the threat as well. He answers the phone.

Bill (sticking out his tongue): WAZZZAAAAAAAAAP?! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Terrorist: President will be dead at 4, pass it on! –click-

Bill: Hmm, must have been the wrong number.

THE WHITE HOUSE

Rolando: Blargh! My breakfast has been poisoned! (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT ROLANDO CALLAHAN)

He dies.

Jack walks into the abandoned warehouse, the picks up the note.

Jack (reading the note): GASP! _He knows what I did last summer!?_ NOOOO!!! (JACK BAUER)

Jack: Uh, you already introduced me…anyway, Kim has been kidnapped! (KIM BAUER)

Jack: What the hell!? I'm not Kim Bauer! Idiot!

MEANWHILE

Ronald: I'm one of the lost Palmer siblings…blah blah blah…. (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT RONALD PALMER)

Joint Chiefs: Now you're president!

Ronald: And here's Sherry Palmer, back from the dead! She's a robot…uh, no, now she's human. What's up with that!?

Sherry: HI! (NOW DEAD EX-PRESIDENT SHERRY PALMER)

Sherry shoots Ronald. –bang-

Ronald falls to the floor.

A chandelier falls on Sherry and kills her. –crash-

Noah runs up to the podium. (NOW UNCONSIOUS EX-PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)

Noah: I…

-KABOOOOM!-

Noah goes flying, landing right on a stretcher. The paramedics wheel him out. Kim runs in.

Kim: Michelle is back from the dead and my fairy god mother! (VICTOR DRAZEN)

Kim: WHAT!?

Michelle: Kim go poof now!

Kim: Now I'm president.

Michelle: Time's up.

Kim runs out of the room and back into her cell with Michelle and Marilyn.

Jack runs into an empty room and ties himself up.

Jack: Oh no! Not 'Full House'!

Morris runs in and grabs Jack.

Morris: Let's go, dahling!

Jack: Stop calling me that!

CTU explodes!

Ima Mole: I've done the deed!

Charles Logan: Excuse me?

Ima: I blew up CTU and disabled their security systems.

Charles: Good for you, now come get your money.

Ima: I'm running right now!

Chloe: Yeah, _that wasn't rushed…_

Jack: The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.

A blue van drives by. Morris, Jack, and the swat team are in the back.

Morris: You okay, dahling?

Jack: Yea, I've had worse. Ugh….so, what's the situation. Any leads on Kim?

Morris: Well, the group was going to go off the note you found in the warehouse and scan it for prints.

Jack: Wow. That was like, almost 3 hours ago. You mean this one?

He pulls out a wadded piece of paper from his pocket.

Morris: Uh, yea. That one….

Jack: I sure hope the president is safe….

Morris: God, which one? The show can't go an episode without killing somebody….

Jack: So who's the president now?

Morris: Well, luckily I've peeked at the script. What I'm about to tell you will shock you, the next president is….

Jack: …..

Morris: …..

Jack: ……?

Morris: I said THE NEXT PRESIDENT IS……

Morris scoots up to the driver.

Morris: Hey, how much longer till we reach the bridge?

Driver: Right about…now.

Morris: Okay.

He shuffles back to his seat.

Morris: Jack, the next president is…..

-BOOM!-

Suddenly one of the van's tires blows out. The van loses control and runs off the side of a bridge.

-KERSPLASH!-

The van starts to sink underwater.

Jack: Well, Morris? Don't keep me in suspense! Who is it?

Morris: -blub- -blub- -blub- (He sinks)

Meanwhile, at the Terrorist Prison Emporium

Michelle: There's got to be a way to get out of here.

Marilyn: Yes, I have to get back to my Jackie Wackie! (She clutches an autographed picture of Jack to her bosom, yikes).

Michelle: Hmm, gross. So Kim, any ideas?

Kim: Have you thought about asking them to let us go?

Michelle: -ahem-, Mr. Terrorist, will you set us free?

Terrorist: Sure thing Michelle!

He opens the cell.

Michelle (shocked): AW!...is it….really?

Marilyn stands up with her Jack picture. Which oddly has changed to an autographed picture of Karen caressing a block of cheese…I'm not going to ask.

Michelle, Marilyn and Kim walk out of the cell and out of the complex. The sun is shining, the birds are singing.

Terrorist Bob: Life is beautiful! I'm giving up terrorism for good!

Terrorists: US TOO!

Michelle: FREEDOM AT LAST!!

Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim hold hands while skipping down the street. The Terrorists open up a Malt Shop where everyone can hang out after work. Peace spreads throughout the world and the cast of '24' live happily ever after.

THE END…….not.

Michelle: _Bitch, are you on drugs!?_

Kim: AW! THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! (she sobs)

Michelle: Excuse me! Terrorist!

T. Bob: Yea?

Michelle: Can you let us go? Or at least move us to another cell? Its cold in here and _those talking rats are getting on my last nerve!_

Brain: We're not rats, we're mice! Now come, Pinky! We must prepare for tomorrow night!

Pinky: -_narf-!_ What are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?

Brain: The same thing we do _every night_ Pinky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Michelle: Oh my god, will you shut up!? I can't concentrate!

11:05:34, At Charles Logan's Prison Estate, Ima's car pulls up into the driveway. Ima gets out and walks up to his door.

Charles: Come in, Miss Mole.

Ima walks in and sets her purse on the counter.

Charles: You have done well, Ima.

Ima: Yes, yes.

Charles: Now that CTU is out of the way, we have to focus on our next target, _The President_.

Ima: Uh, which one?

Charles: Whoever is alive at 4:00.

Ima: Wait, I thought the terrorists are taking care of that?

Charles: Well, yea, the terrorists are. But we aren't.

Ima: I'm not following.

Charles: The terrorists who are planning to assassinate the president this afternoon, they work for someone else.

Ima: Oh….okay.

Charles: However, _my_ superiors are offering us a large sum of money and a ticket out of the country if we can do the deed ourselves.

Ima: Wait, so we'll be competing _against_ the terrorists to see who can assassinate the president first?

Charles: Yes. The President has a live press conference in the park at 4:00, which is kinda stupid. But what kind of bad guys would we be if we didn't take advantage of it?

Ima: Sucky ones. But we can't do this alone.

Charles: I know, I'll get in touch with one of my old contacts….she's a professional……

The White House

The joint chiefs enter the Oval Office; Tom is awaiting the decision on the new president as Karen watches 'Matlock'.

Joint Chief Steve: Okay, we have tallied the country's votes, and we have a new president.

Tom: What? That's impossible. Kim Bauer was 'removed' from office a little over 10 minutes ago. You can't possibly tell me that the country voted and a decision was made in that time.

JC Steve: Yes it has, now the country's new commander in chief will be _Ronald McDonald_.

Tom: HA! Oh dear god, _you're serious?!_

Karen swoons.

Ronald McDonald enters the oval office.

Ronald: Hi kids!

Tom: It doesn't get much worse than this…

Ronald: Now as President, we have a lot of work to do before this afternoon's press conference. First off, Tom and Karen, I'm _dismissing_ you from your positions.

Tom: WHAT!? Karen, we must do something!

Karen: _Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?_

Tom (turns to Karen): What? Oh, I don't have time to deal with you. (He turns his attention back on Ronald McDonald) You can't fire us!

Ronald: Well, let me be more specific. I'm sending you on…a mission.

Tom: Uh, mission?

Ronald: Yes…..to CTU!

Karen: _Clown Training University?!_

Ronald: _No, you tool_. The Counter Terrorist Unit. They are in shambles after the latest attack from 'Ima Mole', a worker who…uh, well….was a mole.

Karen: Bill hired someone named _Ima Mole?_ How reckless. That's it, I'm not making 'Hamburger Helper' tonight, he can go without…

The Hamburger Helper Hand pops up next to Karen.

Hamburger Helper Hand: But Karen! It's yours and Bill's favorite!

Karen: Your right….okay, I'll let him slide _this one time_.

Ronald: ANYWAY, they are a wreck and need some help.

Tom: What are we going to do?

Ronald: I don't know, do something. Meanwhile, let me introduce you to my new Presidential advisors.

Tom: Oh okay….hey, wait……

A big giant purple blob and a bird wearing a mini-skirt enter the room.

Ronald: This is my Chief Advisor _Grimace, _the giant purple sack of crap!And the new head of the Department Of Homeland Security, _Birdie the Early Bird._

Birdie (flapping her feathers): HI FRIENDS!!

Grimace: …duuuuhhhh…..

Tom: This is an outrage!

Karen: Well, at least I can go see my husband now! That's good news….HIGH FIVE!

She rams her hand into the Hamburger Helper Glove's face. Blood splatters everywhere.

-BAMPH! SPLAT!-

Hamburger Helper Hand: ACK!!! (He slumps in his blood puddle)

Karen: _oops…_

Tom: So….do we….drive to CTU?

Ronald: So you can arrive long after the season's ended? Uh, no. Take the _McTeleporter._ It will get you there faster.

Tom and Karen step on two giant teleporter pods sitting in the floor.

Ronald: Is it ready?

Fry Kids: Ready Captain!

Ronald: Energize!

The Fry Kids activate the McTeleporter, Tom and Karen materialize out of the room.

Karen: Correct me if I'm wrong Tom. But don't you find it _ironic_ how the mascot of the company who served the food that killed the first President is now the President himself?

Tom: Try not to think about it.

Karen's head explodes. (KA-BOOM!!)

Tom: What did I just tell you?!

11:09:13 am, Ronald McDonald is getting settled at his desk / Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim sit in the terrorist prison cell watching 'The $10,000 pyramid' / The blue CTU van is deep in the river / Bill is posing for the camera as Nadia stands next to Chloe and Milo on the street, who are unconscious.

Nadia: Uh, Bill?

Bill: Hmm?

Nadia: What are we going to do now?

Bill: We shall relocate, to 'The International House Of Pancakes'!

Nadia: Uh, could we actually do our work there?

Bill: …Huh? Work? Oh, I guess you could bring that along if you want to.

Bill heads off; Nadia follows him with a laptop.

Nadia: When you two wake up, meet us at 'IHOP', we'll continue there.

Milo: Roger!

Chloe: I hate pancakes….

Meanwhile, INSIDE the destroyed CTU.

Tony: ugh….am I dead?

Audrey: No, we're still alive. Trapped in your stupid gift shop!

Tony: Says the woman who bought out half my store…

Audrey: We have to think….man, if we don't get out of here soon we'll starve, or die of thirst.

Tony: If you get tired you and take a nap on that life size inflatable Jack Bauer doll.

Audrey: Who would by that?

Tony (looking at a sheet): Hmm, someone named 'Marilyn' bought like, 12 of them. Oh, and if we get thirsty we can drink 'The Jack Bauer Power Source!' an energy drink filled with 47 vitamins and minerals. (He opens a can)

Audrey: Look, an air vent! We might be able to crawl through, it's better than staying here. (She walks up and opens the vent). Eeeww! There are hundreds of dead ferrets in here! Oh well, (she crawls in).

Tony: Hey, wait up. Hmm, this stuff tastes like crap, (he grabs another can).

Meanwhile, Jack rises from the murky water of the river the CTU van drove into. Morris crawls out afterwards.

Morris: ugh…..-pant-…..-wheeze-…

Jack: You okay, dahling?

Morris: _That's my line..._

Jack: Oh, oops. So, who is the president now?

Morris: I can't remember. I MUST HAVE AMNESIA!

Jack: God, who doesn't have amnesia?

Meanwhile, back at the International Counter Terrorist House Of Pancakes Unit, or ICTHOPU.

Nadia: That is the _stupidest _thing I have ever heard!

Bill: They wouldn't let us use the restaurant for operations _unless_ we changed our name to that. I guess it's a legal thing. Now, Chloe and Milo, it's good to see you two not dead.

Chloe: Oh…uh, thanks.

Milo: Hey, they serve breakfast AND lunch, sweet!

Bill: The President is….uh….

Doyle shows up and sits down at the table next to Chloe and Milo.

Doyle (deadpan): Hi everyone, it's me, Mike Doyle, I just got back from…(he looks at a slip of paper)….'Sesame Street On Ice', it _was sooo much fun!_ Can I kill stuff now?

Bill: Oookay, as I was saying….uh…

Karen and Tom approach the table.

Karen: Hi husband.

Bill: Hi wife.

Tom: Hi Tom!

Karen: Ronald McDonald has just been sworn in as president. He teleported us here and I just slaughtered the Hamburger Helper Hand.

Bill (to the waitress): Can we get a bigger table?

Underground, Tony and Audrey reached the end of the air shaft….and are now in the Sewers.

Audrey: _The CTU air vents lead to the city sewer system!?_ How the hell is that possible!?…That's kinda gross, actually.

Tony: Hmm, well. It seems pretty safe down here.

Audrey: Shhh! I heard something!

Tony and Audrey sit quiet in the sewers.

Audrey: I hear voices. They're coming closer!

Tony: I doubt it. IS ANYBODY THERE!?

Terrorist Frank: Hey, there's somebody there! Let's get em!

Audrey: Crap! Good going, dolt!

Tony: Quit being so paranoid, they could be friendly….

-BANG-

A bullet whizzes by Tony almost hitting him.

Tony: …terrorists who want to kill us?

Audrey: RUN!

Audrey and Tony make a break for it, with 2 terrorist guards in hot pursuit.

11:22:21, at the Terrorist Prison

Michelle: Okay, we have to break out of here. This is getting us nowhere.

A speaker in the cell comes on.

Voice on Speaker: Good Morning, Angels.

Michelle, Marilyn, and Kim: Good Morning, Charlie!

Voice: Now, girls. Why do you think I have you kept here today?

Marilyn: Because we're so pretty?

Voice: Ha ha ha…no.

Marilyn: Rude….

Voice: Because there is something my…nemesis has in his possession…and I want it.

Kim: And we get to retrieve it!?

Voice: No..

Kim: Aw…

Voice: I am going to let CTU handle that.

Michelle: Why can't _you_ get it?

Voice: Because I'm too busy planning to assassinate the president today.

Kim: Oh, no! I'm too young to die!

Michelle: Kim, you aren't president anymore.

Kim: Oh, well I would have been a great president.

Voice: Yes, at least up until the point where you _get impeached for recklessly blowing up clothing stores_. ANYWAY, CTU will get in the way of my assassination plot. That is why I want _them_ to retrieve the device for me to 'keep them occupied' while I do my business.

Kim: Then, what are we here for?

Voice: I hold you here hostage, forcing CTU and Jack Bauer to do what I say. Geez, put 2 and 2 together!

Back at ICTHOPU.

Bill: Okay, now….ugh, crap!

Jack and Morris walk in and approach the table.

Waitress: I don't have any bigger tables; you'll have to sit on each other's laps.

Jack: I call 'Chloe'! (He runs and plops on Chloe's lap).

Chloe: OOF!...dammit Jack.

Morris: Damn, hmm. I guess I'll go with Nadia. (Morris plops on Nadia's lap).

Nadia: ow….

Bill: Now before the rest of the cast bursts in here, we'll get started with the briefing. Chloe?

Chloe holds up a picture of Ronald McDonald she drew on a napkin.

Bill: This is the President of The United States. We have received information that he will be assassinated today at 4:00 this afternoon in the park during his live press conference about something irrelevant. Ima Mole is our enemy, she was a mole that infiltrated CTU's security system and bombed our building, leaving us practically defenseless. _Seriously Chloe_, _you should have warned me about her_!

Chloe slams her head on the table.

Bill: Anyway, while Jack was having fun sitting on Chloe's lap. We scanned the note Jack found at the warehouse.

Chloe: We also did some more research and came up with the name of a possible suspect…_Adam Logan_!

Milo: Who the hell is Adam Logan?

Chloe: Hmm, let me check.

The computer screen flashes: CHARLES LOGAN'S BROTHER

Chloe: Say what?

Milo: Charles Logan doesn't have a brother, or at least as far as we know.

Chloe: Anyway, he owns a chain of restaurants called 'Adam's Chicken Fry Palace', their corporate offices are about 10 miles away from here.

Bill: Super. Okay, Jack and Doyle, I'm placing you two on the job of apprehending Adam Logan. Good luck.

Doyle: All right! We're on it! (He grabs Jack, who was trying to stuff himself with pancakes)

Jack: Aw, I wanted pancakes!

They leave ICTHOPU.

Milo (looking at the background of Chloe's laptop): Hey Chloe, is that your family?

Chloe: Yeah.

Milo (noticing Chloe in the picture): I never knew you used to have pigtails.

Chloe: Well, I did for a while, then I had to get rid of them when I went to private school.

-FLASHBACK-

Ms. Trunchbull walks up to Chloe, who was standing on the playground.

Trunchbull: O'Brien! What are _those!_ (She points to her head)

Chloe: They're my pigtails, Ms. Trunchbull.

Trunchbull: Well, are you a pig, Chloe?

Chloe: No, Ms. Trunchbull.

Trunchbull: I demand you chop them off!

Chloe: But my mom thinks they're cute.

Trunchbull: Your mom is a twit!

Chloe (to herself): _Bitch!_

Chloe: But!

Trunchbull: DID YOU JUST SAY 'BUT'?!

Chloe: Yes. As in 'Your Big Fat Butt'.

Ms. Trunchbull grabs Chloe by the pigtails and spins her around and around.

Chloe: YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Trunchbull lets go, Chloe goes flying through the air, barely missing the fence. The children start to cheer for her successful escape.

Chloe gets up and brushes herself off, waving to the other kids proud of her victory (_like she did anything_). Suddenly a steam roller drives by and flattens her to death. –SQUISH!-

Chloe: DAMMIT MILO! That didn't happen, let me finish my story!

Milo: Okay, just making it more interesting.

Chloe: Oh, that was the end. Oh well.

Nadia: So what happened, I wasn't listening. You got ran over by a steamroller?

Chloe: GRR!

Meanwhile, at the White House.

Ronald McDonald is celebrating his success of his presidency. His sassy wife, Rhonda McDonald comes in to congratulate him.

Rhonda: You did a great job, Mr. President.

Ronald: Yes, well there still is a lot of work to do, my sassy wife.

Rhonda: Well, I better get started on licking the thousands of stamps for thank you letters.

Ronald: You do that.

Presidential Secretary Penny enters.

Penny: Sir, I have someone on the phone for you.

Ronald picks up the phone.

Ronald: Yes. Oh, hello Maureen Kingsley. What?! _You better not even think about going to the press with that story_! Oooh, You suck!

Rhonda: What's the matter?

Ronald: Maureen Kingsley is going to go public about our son Keith murdering the man who robbed our daughter Nicole 7 years ago.

-FLASHBACK-

Nicole McDonald: Mmm. These hamburgers are delicious!

Hamburglar: Robble! Robble!

The Hamburglar swipes Nicole's hamburgers.

Nicole: Oh no!

Keith McDonald: You bastard!

Keith pushes The Hamburglar out the window of the 19th floor. –SPLAT!-

-END OF FLASHBACK-

Rhonda: I don't remember that happening…

Meanwhile, Audrey and Tony have escaped the sewers and are walking down a back alley.

Audrey: Where the hell are we?

Tony: Beats me. Good thing we lost those terrorists.

Audrey: Man, I'm about to pass out. We need to take a break.

Tony: Ooh, let's go into this _Malt Shop_. I'm parched!

Audrey and Tony make their way to the 'T Malt Shop'.

T George: Hi, folks. Welcome to the 'T Malt Shop'. Name's George, what can I get for you?

Tony: What does 'T' stand for…_terrorist?_ Ha ha ha ha….

Terrorist George: Actually it does!

Tony: EEP!

Terrorist George: Hey, you're the first person to get that right. Harry! Come give the man his prize!

Terrorist Harry runs out with a coupon.

Harry: Congratulations! You have just won a Free Terror-ific Ice Cream cone!

Tony: But I wanted a malt….._from the malt shop_.

Harry: UGH! How selfish!

George: Get em!

Terrorists bust through the windows and capture Audrey and Tony.

Audrey: _Why didn't you just take the free ice cream cone!?_

Tony: I wanted a malt, doofus. I just said that 10 seconds ago!

Audrey: God, I hate you.

Meanwhile, at the Terrorist Prison, 11:48:21.

Kim: Hey look, a vent!

Michelle: Those vents sure are convenient.

Kim: I think I can squeeze through there.

Michelle: Go on, I'm sure there's no danger.

Kim takes the vent off and starts to slide in.

Kim: Uh oh, I'm stuck.

Michelle: Hmm. Kick her.

Michelle and Marilyn start kicking the crap out of Kim.

Kim: OW! OOF! OUCH! Dammit, hold on….okay, I'm good.

She falls through.

Michelle: Godspeed, Kimberly. For you are our last ray of hope of escaping this hell hole!

Terror Guard (walking in): Okay, we decided to move you to our first class prison cells. With catered meals, air conditioning and over 700 cable channels.

Michelle: Hmm. Sucks to be Kim! Okay, let's roll.

Michelle and Marilyn get up and walk with the guard.

A car pulls up to The Adam's Chicken Fry Palace Corporate Headquarters. Jack and Doyle step out.

Jack: This looks like the place.

They proceed on in, they pull out their guns and start shooting down the guards.

The lobby is a war zone. Jack and Doyle fire their weapons while making their way to the elevator.

Doyle: Push the button!

Jack: Are we going up or down?

Doyle: _We're on the first floor!_

Jack: Duh, it's called a _basement._

Doyle (nearly getting shot): Up! Up! We're going up!

Jack presses the button. The doors open and Jack and Doyle fall into the elevator.

Doyle: That was close.

Jack: You want a 'Tic Tac'?

Doyle: Sure.

Jack: ……_well?_

Doyle: Well what?

Jack: Where's my 'Tic Tac'?

Doyle: What? You just asked if _I _wanted one.

Jack: I asked if you wanted one, assuming you have them, so you'll give one to me; and by asking _'if you would like one'_ just shows that I'm not being selfish.

Doyle: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Jack: …..

Doyle: …..

Jack: So….am I getting a 'Tic Tac' or not?

Doyle: I DON'T HAVE ANY TIC TACS!!!

Jack: ….geez, be rude about it.

They sit there in the elevator. Jack pops a tic tac in his mouth. Doyle fumes.

And back at the Terrorist Prison.

Michelle: Oh wow. This cell is _much better_.

Marilyn: There are couches and TV's, and a buffet!

Michelle: Woo Hoo!

Michelle walks over to the buffet and grabs a plate, ready to dig in. She hears a crash and notices Marilyn lying on the floor.

Michelle: Geez, Marilyn if you wanted to fake your death in order to get out of here, you could have at least done it before Kim went through the vent…..hmm? Uh oh, she's not faking.

She drops her plate and runs to the door, then runs back to grab a piece of chicken, then back to the door.

Michelle (stuffing her face with chicken): _HRP! Mrrlyn ssss lahin on duh fluur._

Guard: What?

Michelle: _Ah sed, Mrrrlyn is ACK!_

Michelle chokes on her piece of chicken and falls to the floor.

Guard: oh good grief.

The screen starts to shrink down at 11:56:23. The guard comes in and picks up Marilyn's body, leaving Michelle / Kim reaches the outside of the terrorist complex, and makes a break for it / Some other terrorists are dragging Audrey and Tony to their cell / Jack and Doyle are walking up to the C.E.O's office door / Charles Logan and Ima Mole sit on the couch crying over their favorite soap opera 'Maul My Children' / Ronald walks over and makes a phone call / Chloe is waiting outside the women's restroom of the ICTHOPU as Morris pours some syrup on his pancakes.

Morris: Mmmm. Pancakes.

The Terrorist Prison.

Guard: You can use this cell, someone just recently died here.

Tony: MICHELLE!

Guard: Oh, not her, she just choked on a piece of chicken.

Audrey rushes over and performs the Heimlich.

Michelle: HACK! (she spits out the chicken) Whew….ooh chicken! (She pops it in her mouth and starts choking again).

Audrey: Dammit!

Charles Logan's House.

Ima and Charles are still watching 'Maul My Children'.

Ima (sobbing): It's SOOOO sad!

Logan (sobbing): I know! Bradley just got back from the war after 27 years, and now Sarah doesn't remember him because she has _amnesia_!

Ima: They were going to go to 'Disney World' too!

The both start bawling their eyes out….whatever.

At the Corporate Office

Jack and Doyle bust in the door. They see Adam Logan on the balcony.

Jack: Adam Logan, we need to talk to you.

Adam: No! (He steps up on the ledge)

Jack: Uh oh, you think he's going to jump?

Doyle glares at Jack.

Doyle: Now Mr. Logan, we need your help in stopping the assassination of President Ronald McDonald. Man, that's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.

Adam: No, I can't do this anymore. I've gotten myself in far too much trouble helping out my brother.

Jack: So, Charles Logan was up to something! Well gang, it looks like we have more work to do. TO THE MYSTERY MACHINE!

Scooby Doo: Roinks, Rack Rauer! (He jumps up in his arms)

Velma: Jinkies!

Daphne (walking up to Jack): How about you and I solve some mysteries of our own…_at my place_.

Jack: Works for me! (He drops Scooby Doo on the floor) –WHAMP!-

Scooby: Rouch!...rasshole…..

Doyle: I don't even want to know. But anyway, Adam, please help us stop your brother from doing something terrible! You can redeem yourself!

Adam: You're right. I will help.

Suddenly a shot rings out, hitting Logan.

Doyle: ACK! Where the hell did that come from?!

Adam trips over the railing and falls to the ground below. Jack and Doyle rush to the ledge. –SPLAT-

Jack (shouting to Adam): _Are you okay?_

Doyle: Ugh….

11:59:57

11:59:58

11:59:59

12:00:00

Meanwhile, IN THE MYSTICAL LAND OF FORGOTTEN CAST MEMBERS

Clerk: NUMBER 126! Calling number 126!

Mandy (ruh roh) walks up to the counter and hands the clerk her ticket.

Mandy: That's me, I'm 126.

The clerk takes her ticket.

Clerk: Great, you have your things? Good, okay, welcome back to the show.

He pulls a rope, Mandy falls through a hole. Mike Novick runs up to the clerk.

Mike: HEY! I was 126! Remember, you passed over me at the beginning of the episode to let Mike Doyle go through.

Clerk: Oh….oops. Oh well, I mean it's for the greater good. _Ronald McDonald is president._ What good would you do to the plot? However, have this ticket instead, we'll call your number when we're ready.

He hands Mike Novick Mandy's _1,026_ number.

Mike: I'm never going to get on the show….

NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF: 24!

Morris runs in with a blue velvet suit, shaggy hair, and bad teeth.

Morris: YEAH BABY! YEAH!

Audrey: It's _Morris Powers! _International man of mystery!

Morris: So, shall we shag now, or…_shag later_.

Audrey: Much later.

Morris: Oh…that sucks.

-AND SPEAKING OF SHAGGING-

Daphne slips herself into the covers of a fancy looking bed.

Daphne: Okay, Mr. Bauer. I'm ready.

Jack: Excellent. (He climbs into the bed as well) The following is about to take place between 1:00am and _1:01_am.

Daphne: _-groan-_

-AND-

Charles Logan: The bomb is ready, it just needs to be armed. Just for fun, let's get someone from CTU to do it.

Ima picks a name out of a hat.

Ima: Morris O'Brien.

Charles: Good. Go kidnap Morris and bring him to me. (Turning to his guard) You, get your electric power drill ready to plunge into his shoulder, in case if he _doesn't cooperate._

-AND-

Announcer: It's '_LATE NIGHT: WITH CHLOE 'O BRIEN!'_ Eddie Murphy stops by to talk about another movie he made in which he _plays every role_, comedian Tony Almeida comes by to tell a stupid joke, and animal expert Habib Marwan comes on the show to show off his prize winning _cougar_.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Announcer: And music by Milo Pressman, and the Milo Pressman 7! Ladies and Gentleman, CHLOE O' BRRRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEENNN!!!

Chloe walks out shortly before getting attacked by the cougar. –WHOMP!-

Chloe: ACK! OW!...and now, the comedy stylings of Tony Almeida.

Tony walks on stage. He grabs the microphone.

Tony: Okay, so this bank robber walks into a bank…you know, to rob it. And the bank teller is _The Pillsbury Doughboy_. The robber aims his gun and says 'Give Me All Your Dough!' The Pillsbury Doughboy says 'Okay' and rips off one of his fat fingers and throws it at the robber, 'Something's In The Oven! Tee Hee' he cheers. The robber shoots him in the face. Then the robber and the surviving bank tellers chop up the Pillsbury Doughboy, using his entrails to bake some cinnamon rolls. The end.

The audience stares in horror.

Bill: YOU SUCK! GET OFF THE STAGE!

He throws a tomato in Tony's face. –SPLAT-

-AND FINALLY-

Jack: Dad! I can't believe your behind the terrorist attacks…wait, didn't this happen already? Why is on a 'Next Time on 24' clip…whatever.

Phillip: I have come to take Josh away to China, were he will become a better man than your brother.

Jack: Like that takes any effort. But Dad, _why?_

Phillip: To teach you a lesson Jack, after you destroyed the one I loved most!

-FLASHBACK 22 years ago, at the Bauer Family Reunion-

Phillip: Jack, where's _Babe_? I can't find her anywhere!

Jack: Uh…..

Phillip: Jack Bauer, if you done something with my precious prize winning pig, I swear I'll ground you for a year!

Jack: Uh….

Terri: Hey Jack, _these hotdogs are delicious!_

Phillip (pissed): JACK BAUER!!!

Jack: whoops……

OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT…BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, SOMETIME NEXT WEEK!!!


	6. 12:00pm 'Out To Lunch'

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 6

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED……

Paul: You like it?

Fred: I don't see the point of the disclaimer. It's not like we have questionable material on the show.

Jack walks out wearing a 'Hooters' tank top.

Jack: Is it hot in here or what? I'm going to pour this _all over my body!_

Jack pours a bucket of water on himself. –SPLASH-

Jack: ACK! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

Fred: -sigh-

Beep…..beep……beep…….beep……bepbpebpepbepbepbpebpepbepbpebpebe……24!!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24…

-SWOOSH-

Bill (singing): _You are my wife!_

Karen (singing): _Goodbye, city life!_

Bill and Karen (singing): _Green Acres, we are theerrrre! _(COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Milo gets in the bathtub to take a relaxing bath.

Milo: Mmmm, so relaxing….

Suddenly, The Brave Little Toaster hops up on the side of the tub.

Milo: EEEK!

Toaster: Tony, I've came to get my revenge.

Milo: What are you talking about?

Toaster: You killed my friends!

Milo: Say what?

The toaster pulls out some photos of the various crime scenes.

Toaster: Lampy, the lamp. You put a 900 watt light bulb in him and he exploded!

Milo: I'm sorry; I was in the middle of a very intense chapter of 'Harry Potter'.

Toaster: Blankey, the blanket. You cuddled up with him at night when you got cold. However this night in particular you didn't feel like going to the restroom and just relieved yourself right there, HE WAS AN ELECTRIC BLANKET YOU ASS!

Milo: How _I_ didn't get electrocuted was nothing short of a miracle…

Toaster: My Radio friend, speakers shorted out when you blared that stupid 'Barbie Girl' song by Aqua. And Kirby, the vacuum, you used him to vacuum up a room full of pennies!

Milo: In my defense I couldn't find my piggy bank and had to put my loose change _somewhere!_

Toaster: Well, murdering isn't in my nature. So I am willing to forgive you, just as long as you apologi….

The toaster realizes that Milo is trying to dig out some burnt Pop Tarts with a fork.

Toaster: THAT'S IT!!!!

The toaster hops into the tub with Milo.

Milo: EEP!

-KA-ZAP!-

-AND-

Adam Logan: Okay, I won't jump.

Adam suddenly gets shot, and falls to the floor.

Jack: Hmm, wasn't he supposed to fall over the ledge to the street.

Doyle: Yea, we better do something.

Jack and Doyle pick up Adam's body and toss it over the ledge.

SPLAT!

Jack: Oh no, He's been shot! (JACK BAUER)

-AND-

Jack Bauer is hopping along through the forest…wearing a bunny costume.

Jack (singing): _Little Bunny Foo Foo, hoppin through the forest. Scoopin up the field mice, and boppin them on the head._

Jack picks up a field mouse and bonks it on its head. And down came _Fairy Princess Michelle Dessler…_

Michelle (singing): _Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you, picking up the field mice, and boppin them on the head._

Jack: OKAY! (He picks one up and bonks it).

Michelle: DAMMIT JACK! What did I just tell you!?

Jack: Oops.

Michelle: That's it; I'm banishing you to the _Land Of Forgotten Bunnies!_

Jack: WHAT!? -ZAP!-

Jack appears in a dark and fiery place, it pretty much looks like Hell.

Jack: Where am I?

The Trix Rabbit: You're in Rabbit Hell, my friend.

Jack: Well that blows….why are you here?

Trix Rabbit: I committed mass genocide on a large group of children for stealing my cereal. IT HAS MY FACE ON IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Jack: Okay….what about him?

Jack points to the Energizer Bunny.

Trix Rabbit: Well, he originally went to Rabbit Heaven, but he wouldn't stop beating that stupid drum. So they banished him.

Jack: Nice….

Energizer Bunny (beating the drum): BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM!...

Trix Rabbit: Would you stop doing that? It's giving me a headache!

-WHATEVER-

Jack: The following takes place between 12:00pm and 1:00pm.

Adam Logan's body is splattered on the ground below; Jack and Doyle stare from the window where he fell from last week's episode.

Jack: This is bad.

Doyle: Uh, yeah.

Jack: Well, we better do something fast before Chloe calls to check on our progress….(the phone rings).

Jack: Don't worry, I got this…

He answers the phone.

Jack: Thanks for calling the _Hot Monkey Love Line!_ This is…uh, 'Candy'! How may I _serve_ you?

Chloe: Jack, are you drunk?

Jack: Who's this Jack you speak of? You have the wrong number crazy lady.

Chloe: Jack, I can see you on videophone, your obviously lyi…(Jack hangs up)

Jack: Hmm, that bought us some time.

Doyle: If she wasn't suspicious _before_…

Jack: Hey, want to grab something to eat? There's a cafeteria on the 2nd floor; I heard they have a chicken salad that's _to die for!_

Doyle: Sure, let's go!

They skip out of the room. Mandy crawls out from under the desk. She gets on her phone.

Mandy: It's been done. Adam Logan has been taken care of and will no longer be a threat to our cause.

Carmen Sandiego: Excellent! Now no one will know where in the world I am! The crown jewels will soon be mine! Ha ha ha!

McDonald's Employee: Here's your order, Ms. Sandiego.

Carmen: Good, a criminal mastermind like myself has to start her day off right with some breakfast.

She takes a bite out of her Sausage Mcmuffin and instantly dies. –Klump-

Mandy: Who the hell was that?! Must have dialed the wrong number…

12:06:22, The White House. Ronald McDonald gets ready for his speech. His wife is fuming.

Rhonda McDonald: What the hell are you doing?!

Ronald: I am about to make my speech and address the public about Keith.

Rhonda: You can't do that! If you tell the people that your son is a murderer it will hurt your presidency, which doesn't make any sense. That and you're already president, who's having a press conference when you have another one in less then _4 hours, _which makes even less sense!

Ronald: This is something I have to do, for Keith!

Rhonda: You're lying…

Ronald: Okay, for me…(He leaves to go make his speech)

Rhonda walks over to Secretary Penny.

Rhonda: Penny, I know you have the hots for my husband, and this whole Keith killing the Hamburglar thing is going to hurt Ronald's presidency. I need you to go upstairs and seduce him, which makes absolutely no sense!

Penny: What? I don't like your husband.

Rhonda: I _have_ seen your myspace….

Penny: Okay, I'm going….

Rhonda: Excellent!

Penny walks up to Ronald McDonald and starts dancing.

Penny: _BOM CHICKA WAH WAH!!!_

Ronald???

Penny:_ BOM CHICKA...BOM CHICKA...WAH WWAAAAHH!!!!_

Ronald: Uh….

Penny: _BOM CHICKA WAH WWAAAHH!!!_

Ronald: ……you're fired…

Penny: Oh poo….

Rhonda: DRAT!

Ronald prepares to make his speech.

Ronald: My fellow American's. I must come clean with the truth. My son Keith, murdered the Hamburglar 7 years ago. I hope this doesn't affect my presidency, and you will still like me. Thank you, and good night…

Reporter 1: What the hell does that have to do with anything?!

Reporter 2: This is a 'Save The Whales' conference!

Reporter 3: If it was 7 years ago, wouldn't that have made him like 12? I don't know…

Ronald walks over to Rhonda.

Ronald: Rhonda, you wicked witch! What you did was unforgivable!

Rhonda: Whatever, I'm sorry I tried to get Penny to sleep with you.

Ronald: Actually, I was referring to you leaving the stove on last night, but _now I'm mad_. I want a divorce.

Rhonda: Good.

Ronald: Great.

Rhonda: Wonderful.

Ronald: Craptacular!

At the Terrorist Prison.

Audrey: Let me out! Let me out!...or..uh, I'LL BLOW THIS WALL DOWN!

The Terrorists: _Not by the hairs of our chiny chin chins!_

Audrey: That's it!

She breathes in real deep…..then faints….

Tony and Michelle, who are in the same cell as Audrey, come over to the corpse of Marilyn Bauer to Investigate the Crime Scene.

Tony: Hmm, (pulls out forensics kit) It's a complete mystery why she died so suddenly. Look Michelle….

The camera zooms in ridiculously close to a red line on her throat.

Michelle: There are lacerations on her throat. Strangled, maybe?

Tony: Perhaps, and look at _this_.

Camera zooms in toward a giant bullet hole.

Tony: Shot….with a gun….that held a bullet….that went inside her….and she went 'Bleck' then died…

Michelle: We get it, Tony. Wait….

Camera zooms in to a nearby pillow.

Michelle: She could have been _smothered to death!_

Tony: OR! STABBED! (Zooms in on a stab wound in her back)

Michelle: Blunt force trauma! (Zooms in on a bump in the back of her head).

Tony: I've solved the mystery!

Audrey: You have?

Tony: Yes, I believe it was _Audrey Raines, with the Revolver, in the Terrorist Prison._ Wait, no maybe it was the 'Lead Pipe'.

Audrey: I didn't kill her, you moron! I JUST GOT HERE!

Tony: Prove it…

Audrey: I was with you, then you got us captured because you wanted a malt at the Terrorist Malt Shop.

Tony: Oh, right. (laughs)

Michelle: Well, Tony and I will take the body down to the crime lab to run some more tests to see who shot, stabbed, strangled, smothered, and whacked the hell out of Marilyn Bauer. It was probably Audrey…

Audrey: ARGH!!!

Tony and Michelle pick up her body and leave the cell.

Audrey: Wait, how did you two get out?!

She attempts to leave but the cell is locked.

Audrey: Well, crap. I guess all I can do now is say…_LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!_

Terror Guard: Who are you talking to?

Audrey: ….nobody….

12:16:54, Tony and Michelle are running down the hallway, Tony trips and falls on his face. Michelle keeps running. / Doyle and Jack are riding in the elevator to the cafeteria, dancing to 'Baby Got Back' / Nadia spilled syrup on herself, she leaves for the restroom / Morris and Milo are playing 'Monopoly Junior' / Bill eats a snow cone

At the International Counter Terrorist House Of Pancakes Unit.

Tom: Okay, Karen. I have a plan.

Karen: I hope it's better than your last one!

Tom: I didn't have a last one, this is my first plan.

Karen: Oh.

Tom: We have to get back into the White House.

Karen: That's your plan?! Thank God you're not the director of CTU…

Tom: I WASN'T FINISHED YET! Anyway, we need to get rid of that purple sack of crap and that bird.

Karen: Birdie the early bird!?

Tom: Yes.

Karen: What should we do?

Tom: Well, for some strange reason the McTeleporter is right outside. We can take it 'back' to the White House, frame Grimace and Birdie in something scandalous. Then we'll have our old jobs back for being so loyal.

Karen: Sounds like a plan!

She grabs Tom's hands and connects their rings.

Karen: Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!

Tom: What?..

Karen: Form of….uh,…..uuh….cheese?

Karen transforms into a block a cheese.

Tom: Good going, _now I have to carry you_.

He picks up the block of Karen and carries her to the teleporter.

Nadia (to Bill): Where's she going?

Bill: Something about a couch….

Meanwhile, Kim is running from the terrorists.

Kim: Man, I better hide somewhere, or they'll find me for sure.

She notices a house with a sign.

SIGN: BABYSITTER FOR ABUSIVE FATHER AND BRATTY CHILD WANTED. YOU GET TO LIVE HERE AND DO NOT GET PAID, EVER!

Kim: Oooh, sounds like my dream job. I'll take it.

She runs into the home, the terrorists drive by, just missing her.

Father: Oh hello, you're hired.

Kim: Oh, great!

Father: Now, run upstairs and take care of my bratty daughter. I'll be upstairs shortly to throw her against the bed, you two run away, I chase you, then eventually get shot. You know the drill.

Kim: Oh, I'm experienced in that sort of thing. See you in a little bit.

At the Adam Logan Chicken Fry Palace Corporate Office Cafeteria With All You Can Eat Buffet And Sushi Bar.

Jack: I. Am. Stuffed.

Doyle: Ugh, I'm gonna throw up….

Jack: But it was a delicious meal.

Doyle: Indeed.

Jack's phone rings.

Jack: Oh crap I hope it's not Chloe, I can't stand talking to her in a time like this.

Chloe (on the phone): Jack, you've already answered the phone and I can hear you, you ass!

Jack: AAAH! (He hangs up the phone and throws it across the cafeteria, bonking a waitress in the head.

Man: OH MY GOD! She's dead!

Woman: Call 911!

Other Man: Somebody get CSI!!!

Jack: God, it's noisy in here.

Doyle's phone rings.

Doyle: Yup? Okay.

He hands the phone to Jack.

Doyle: It's for you.

Jack: Please say it's not Chloe.

Doyle: Uh…It's not Chloe.

Jack: Oh good.

He grabs the phone.

Chloe: Jack, it's Chloe.

Jack: AAAH!!! (He throws the phone, bonking another waitress in the head)

Man: OH MY GOD! She's dead too!

Woman: CALL 911!

Other Man: _Who the hell keeps throwing phones!_

The host comes over.

Host: Sir, I have a 'Chloe O'Brien' on the phone for you.

Jack: Ah, crap. Can you bring the phone here so I can throw it at a waitress?

Host: No, get off your ass and come to the lobby, _and quit murdering my staff_!

Jack: Geez, testy….

Jack walks into the lobby and answers the phone.

Jack: Yes, Chloe?

Chloe: Jack, before you interrupt me again. I have some information for you….wait, _are you two eating!?_

Jack: No… (he shoves a chicken nugget into his mouth).

Chloe: You fat asses just ate 2 stuffed French toast down at IHOP….oh forget it. Anyway, I dug up some information on Charles Logan to see what he's up to. He's working in cahoots with Mandy!

Jack: Who?

Chloe: Mandy, secret assassin who blew up an airplane to get Martin Belkin's ID in season 1, attempted to assassinate David Palmer at the end of season 2, and kidnapped Tony in season 4.

Jack: Oh her….

Chloe: And…IMA MOLE!!!

Bill: YOU'RE WHAT!?

Nadia: Guards!

A group of security guards tackle Chloe…-whap-

Chloe: ACK!!!

Morris: Dahling, I think she's referring to the girl who blew up CTU a couple of hours ago.

Bill: Oh, right. (laughs)

The guards get off Chloe.

Chloe (dusting herself off): Anyway, Jack. I need you and Doyle to find Logan's private hideout and interrogate him. He lives at 123 fake street.

Jack: Excuse me?

Chloe: Legal purposes.

Jack: oh. Okay, We're on it.

Chloe: Good.

Chloe hangs up the phone.

Milo: Chloe, how do you know all this stuff? Surely you didn't get all that from a computer.

Chloe: Well, I'm just that good.

Milo: I think it's possible you may be….A WITCH!

Customers: OH MY GOD, WITCH!!!!

A villagers run into IHOP and take Chloe away.

Chloe: HEY!

Customer 1: Push her off a cliff!

Customer 2: Burn her at the stake!

Customer 3: Make her watch '_The Facts Of Life Goes To Paris'_!

Chloe: Damn you, Milo! (They take her away)

Bill: I call her bacon!

Nadia: I got her toast!

Everyone lunges for Chloe's plate to steal her food.

12:29:03, Mandy pulls up to Charles Logan's house in an Ice Cream Van. She gets out and walks to the door.

Logan: Mandy, come in, my dear.

She walks in.

Logan: Mandy, meet Ima Mole. (They shake hands).

Logan walks over and turns on a overhead display of Ronald McDonald.

Logan: Okay, here's the plan. There are terrorists who we are not affiliated with who are going to assassinate the president at 4:00 today. We could care less, but my bosses are going to offer us a large sum of money to take care of it ourselves. CTU is on to us, so we will have to act quickly.

Ima: But I blew up CTU a couple of episodes ago.

Logan: Yes, but they've been continuing their operations in the IHOP across the street.

Ima: Hmm..

Logan: Now, we will assassinate the president with an explosive device. My technicians have been working on it for the past couple of months. I present to you…THE KAT-9!

Mandy and Ima look around.

Mandy: Where is it?

Logan: Oh, on the counter.

Mandy walks over and picks it up.

Mandy: Uh, this is an '_Easy Bake Oven'._

Logan: It LOOKS like an 'Easy Bake Oven', but it's really a nasty explosive device with a 1000 mile blast radius!

Mandy: Uh….(She sets it down).

Logan: Now, we will be in disguise and present the 'oven' as a gift to the president at the press conference. We hit 'start' on the oven, which will set the 30 second timer, and run like hell.

Ima: Question!

Logan: Yes, Ima.

Ima: How do we escape a 1000 mile blast radius in 30 seconds?

Logan: Hmm…..okay new plan.

Mandy rolls her eyes.

Logan: We will get someone to build a remote that can detonate the oven from far away.

Mandy: Can't you get your technicians to build it?

Logan: They're on vacation until…6:00.

Ima: Well, that's convenient….

Logan: Hmm, in fact. I think someone from CTU would be the perfect choice to build the remote.

Mandy: Who.

Logan: _Morris O'Brien!!_

Ima: GASP!

Logan: You see I tried to have him kidnapped in episode 1 but my stupid henchmen grabbed Jack Bauer instead, _then drove off a cliff_…and the whole thing was a mess.

Ima: So, how do we kidnap O'Brien?

Logan: Well, someone will have to _sneak _into CTU, and get his attention.

Ima: Well it can't be me since I've already been a mole once today.

Mandy: And CTU knows what I look like since I kidnapped Tony back in Season 4.

Logan: Okay, then _I'll do it_.

Mandy: Yes, because _they have no clue who you are!_ I have a better chance of walking in there.

Logan: Oh, don't worry. I have an ace up my sleeve. (He walks over to the closet and grabs one of Martha's dresses) Which is better, Blue, or Pink?

Mandy and Ima look at each other nervously.

At Kim's babysitting job.

Kim: Yay, being a babysitter is fun.

Bratty Child: WEEEEE!!!

Kim: Okay, I'm done…

The police bust in.

Officer: You're under arrest.

Kim: What?

Officer (screaming): I SAID 'YOU'RE UNDER ARREST'…

Kim: ow…I heard you….

Officer: Were busting up this drug ring!

Kim: What the hell are you talking about? This is a perfectly clean house. There are no drugs in here!

Father: Well actually…(He walks over and opens the closet door, a truckload of drugs, bags, and pipes fall onto the floor.

Kim: Holy Crap! Well, take the father away, the child didn't do anything.

Child: Well, actually. (She goes and opens up her Barbie Dream House, several bags of cocaine fall out.

Kim: Good grief….well, at least let me go. You can't arrest Kimberly Bauer!

Officer: Did you say…._Kimberly Bauer?_

Kim: YES! YES I DID!!!

The officer looks at the script where it says in bold print: ARREST KIM BAUER FOR DRUG POSSESSION.

Officer: Oh goody, were at the right place. Cuff em.

Kim: ACK!

The police handcuff Kim and escort her out of the house.

Kim: I'm cursed, I swear….

At The Terror Morgue

Tony: So Doc, what do you think?

Doctor: Uh, well…..she's dead.

Michelle: Thanks, _Nancy Drew_. How did she die!?

Doctor: You're kidding, right? This woman has been shot, stabbed…..

Tony & Michelle: …smothered, strangled, and whapped.

Michelle: Who killed her?

Doctor: Uh, I just work on the dead bodies, it's your job to figure out who did it.

Michelle: Oh.

Tony: That sucks.

Michelle: This CSI thing is harder than we thought.

Tony: Well, let's check and see if there are any fingerprints on her.

Michelle: Good idea.

Doctor: ugh…(he walks off)

12:37:32, Jack and Doyle arrive at Logan's. Jack steps out of the car, hiding behind the door.

Jack: This is CSI!...er wait,…CTU! Federal Agent! Come out with your hands up!

Doyle: I don't think they can hear you from here.

Jack: You're right. Better go ring the doorbell.

They walk up to the door and ring the bell.

Speaker: Thank you for visiting Charles Logan's secret hideout, we're not home at the moment. If this is Jack, do not go back to IHOP yet…we're busy.

Jack: That's a clue, there must be something in here. (He busts down the door).

Doyle: Jack look!

Jack: What is it?

Doyle: It's the blueprints for a bomb!

Jack: That doesn't mean anything.

Doyle: It says, 'Easy Bake Nuclear Kat 9 device that will obliterate anything in a 1000 mile radius with the push of a button'.

Jack: Ok, you might be on to something.

The phone rings.

Jack: Oh Christ, if it's Chloe I'm going to scream.

He picks up the phone.

Terrorist: Mr. Logan?

Jack: No, this is Jack Bauer, federal agent.

Terrorist: Oh, I might have the wrong number. I hang up now.

Doyle slaps Jack on the arm.

Jack: OH! I mean, _This_ is Charles Logan speaking.

Terrorist: Oh good. I called you back to give you an update, the prisoners are doing fine. 2 of them are doing something in the crime lab, and Mrs. Raines is fast asleep in her cell.

Jack: Audrey's imprisoned?! I, Jack Bauer federal agent, must do something.

Terrorist: WHO!?

Jack: Uh, _I mean Charles Logan._

Terrorist: Oh, ok. See you in a little bit. Oh, and if you forget how to get into the base the code is…'3'.

Jack: That's simple.

Doyle nods.

Jack: Okay, bye now.

He hangs up.

Jack: Let's roll, Mike. We have to save Audrey, and I guess the other 2 people who are captured as well.

They run out of the house.

At the White House, Tom and Karen materialize outside.

Karen: Man, that was a long trip.

Tom: Okay.

The sneak up to the window and peek in.

Tom: There's Grimace. Go in there and seduce him, I'll take the photo.

Karen: I have to seduce _Grimace?!_

Tom: Yes, now get your butt in there.

Karen opens the window and falls into the room.

Grimace: Duh…..

Karen: Uh…._hey there, hot stuff._

Grimace: Uh…..

Karen: How about we….uh…..go make ourselves a _Happy Meal_?

Tom grimaces with disgust. (How ironic).

Tom: Man, this is almost as lame as Lisa Miller's romp.

Karen: Oops. Accidentally poured sweet and sour sauce…_all over my body._

Tom: This is getting absurd…

Grimace: DUH……UH…….

Grimace falls over dead. –KLUMP-

Karen: Uh oh.

Tom: Ah hell.

Tom climbs in the window.

Tom: Karen, you weren't supposed to _kill_ him!

Ronald McDonald and the secret service enter.

Ronald: Oh my god, you killed Grimace!

Karen: Oh my god, they caught us!

Tom: Oh my god, _now the secret service shows up!?!_ Where the hell were they in the first 4 episodes?!

Ronald: Seize them!

The guards apprehend Tom and Karen and take them away.

Karen: Now I'm never going to be on time for the school dance!

Tom: Oh, shut up…..

12:46:33, Jack and Doyle fight over who gets to drive / Chloe is about to be pushed off a cliff / Tony and Michelle are pretending to play 'Operation' with Marilyn's body / A car pulls up to ICTHOPU Logan in a gaudy looking dress steps out.

Chloe: This sucks.

Sabrina: Psst. Hey, I can get us out of here, just do what I say and we can live through this.

Chloe: Oh my god, It's _Sabrina, The Teenage Witch!_ I just love you..

Villager: WITCH!

Someone runs up and pushes Sabrina off the cliff.

Sabrina: AAAAAAHHHHHHH –SPLAT-

Chloe: Oh crap…..

Meanwhile,

Tony: Okay, Michelle, I'm going for _the funny bone_.

Michelle: Just don't touch the sides, Tony. Hee hee…

Tony starts to go in when Marilyn abruptly sits up straight.

Marilyn: AAHH!!

Tony & Michelle: AAAAHH!!

Marilyn: AAAAHH!!

Tony & Michelle: AAAH!!

Tony grabs a bedpan and whacks Marilyn with it. –KWACK!-

Michelle: Tony!? What the hell did you do that for!? She was alive!

Tony: Uh…..no she wasn't. She was a…..zombie?

Michelle: Let's get the hell out of here.

Terrorist: Grab them.

Michelle: Oh, yea, I forgot about them.

Logan walks into IHOP.

Bill: Hello.

Logan: Hello, my name is……

Logan looks out the window, Ima holds up a sign that says 'Helga'.

Logan: Helga……uh….Helga….von….Glockenspiel. I need a job.

Bill: Pleased to meet your acquaintance, Ms. Glockenspiel. You're hired. Let me show you around.

Logan: Oh goody, I have the job.

Bill: Yes, we needed to replace one of our top computer analyst people, she just got taken away for a _witch trial._

Logan: How awful.

Bill: Okay, these are the tables where the customers sit. The bathrooms are down the hall to your right. The room to the left is a secluded room in case if you needed to kidnap someone, but I doubt you would need to do that. Ha ha ha.

Logan: Oh, yes…ha ha ha……

Bill: Okay, let's see. Ah, Morris?

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Bill: Show Ms. Glockenspiel around. Avoid the back room on the left, we would hate for you to get kidnapped and forced to do something against your will.

Morris: Okay.

Morris and Logan proceed to the back.

Morris: Would you like to go to the restroom?

Logan: How about this room.

Morris: Okay.

They walk into the room, Logan bashes a coffee pot over Morris' head. Logan gets on a walkie talkie.

Logan: Mission complete. You two come back here.

Logan drags Morris' body to a door that leads outside. He opens it, Mandy helps Logan throw Morris into the back of a van.

Logan: We're done, let's get out of here.

They hop back into the van and drive off.

Kim is in the police car, on her way to prison.

Officer: What's that smell?

He pulls over and walks to the trunk and opens it to find the mother of the bratty child, killed.

Kim hops out of the car, she wasn't restrained anymore for some reason.

Kim: OH MY GOD, HE KILLED HER!!!!

Officer: How he managed to stuff _her_ body in _my_ trunk is a bizarre mystery indeed. Aw man, she's crushing my groceries.

While he was occupied, Kim sneaks away and runs into the forest. She stops for a second.

Kim: Whew, that was close….ACK!

She gets her foot trapped in a bear trap like device.

Kim: OW DAMMIT!

A man walks up.

The Man: Yay, dinner!

Kim: Uh oh.

Suddenly, a cougar swoops down and pounces on the man, shredding him to death.

Kim: Uh…

Cougar: Are you okay, Miss?

Kim: Oh my god, you just killed that guy….._and you can talk_!

Cougar: It's not safe here, and I'm sure a nuclear bomb is about to go off and kill everyone. Let us go back to my shelter and we will be safe from the blast.

Kim: Well, okay.

The screen splits down at 12:55:23, Kim walks into the forest as the cougar opens a book titled 'Recipes For Cooking Bauer…In 1 hour', and has a picture of Kim roasting in a crock pot. He licks his lips then hides the book / Jack and Doyle arrive at the Terrorist Prison and input the code, they bust in / Chloe is getting prepared to be burned at the stake in the witch hunt / Morris is unconscious in the back of the van with Logan, Ima, and Mandy / The terrorists drag Michelle and Tony to their car and throw them in / Karen and Tom are locked away in prison by committing _McTreason_ / Ronald McDonald stares out a window in his room / Audrey is in the fetal position in her cell / Bill, Nadia, and Milo are having a food fight, shortly before getting banned from IHOP.

Jack runs up to the cell.

Jack: Audrey, are you okay!?

He opens the door and sits next to Audrey.

Audrey: _Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope._

Jack: Say what?

Audrey: _Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope._

Doyle: Oh crap, she's broken!

Audrey: _Help me, Obi Wan Kinobi. You're my only hope._

Jack: Audrey, stop being a turd and snap out of it!

Doyle: Uh, do you think she has amnesia?

Jack: Well, we better take her back to IHOP.

In another Terrorist Car.

Michelle: Where are you taking us?

Terror Driver: …

The Driver answers the phone.

Driver: Yes, I did capture the escapees. I am bringing them to you now, will you be able to get O'Brien to make the device? Ok, good.

Michelle: This looks bad.

Tony: Driver, can we stop somewhere, I need to pee.

Driver: You should have went before we captured you.

Tony: Aww nuts.

Back at Ronald's room.

Ronald McDonald (on the phone): Yes, I'll be up there tomorrow morning to sign the divorce papers. Okay, yes, and I want to divorce her because she's evil, I mean she tried to make _Penny_ sleep with me! _Penny! _Surely she could have gotten someone better, it's just unforgivable. And another thing, I…..urk….

A rope flings over Ronald's neck, he tries to grasp for it but he slumps to the floor. Someone wearing a glove picks up the phone and puts it back on the receiver. The mysterious killer walks out of the room, closing the door….

12:59:57

12:59:58

12:59:59

1:00:00

Fred: Another dead president…why am I not surprised?

Paul: Now's the perfect time to get Kim sworn in as president again!

Fred: Why haven't I fired you yet?

NEXT TIME ON: 24!

Nadia wakes up in her bed.

Nadia: Man, it sure is a beautiful morning.

Nadia rolls over to find the _Burger King _holding a tray of breakfast.

Nadia: GAK!

Burger King: Croissan'Wich?

Nadia: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

She grabs her lamp and starts beating the Burger King to death with it. –WHAP! WHAP! SMACK!-

-AND-

Karen: Mmmm. I can sure go for some Skittles. AH! A Rainbow!

Karen walks up to a rainbow and starts to shake it, skittles fall out.

Rainbow Brite walks up to Karen.

Rainbow Brite: _What the hell do you think you're doing?!_

Karen: Back off, hot pants! I'm getting my Skittle fix.

Rainbow Brite: Get the hell out of _Rainbowland, _you psycho!

Karen (stuffing skittles in her mouth): _Come on, bitch_, bring it!

Rainbow Brite summons her guards, who drag Karen away.

Karen: NO! _Mama's gotta have her Skittles_! You monster!! You won't get away with this!

Rainbow Brite: God, what a nutjob…

-AND-

Chloe and Ima stand face to face, their swords drawn.

Chloe: Didn't we kinda face off like this in another 'Next Time On 24' clip?

Ima: Yea, we did.

Chloe: I wonder why we never fought yet.

Ima: Who knows?

Chloe: Oh well, LET'S FIGHT!

Ima: HYYYYYYYAAAAA!!!!

Chloe: YAKAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAHHHH!!!

-Tink- -Tink-

Ima: Man, these swords are heavy.

Chloe: No kiddin…

-AND-

Phillip Bauer enters the room where his son Graem Bauer is being interrogated.

Phillip: I know my son is involved with terrorist activity. Can we have a moment alone?

Guard: Sure. (He leaves)

Graem: Hi dad!

Phillip shoots him

Phillip: HELP! My son has just been shot!

The paramedics run in.

Phillip: You morons are trying to kill my son. If _anything happens to him, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!_

Medic: Way too suspicious….

-AND FINALLY-

Some goons open up the lid to a giant container on the moon.

Evil goon: Our queen, _Rita Repulsa,_ is free!

Nina Myers pops out.

Nina: I'm FREE!!!!

Goldar: _Who the hell are you?_

Nina: Uh, I'm Nina Myers. When Jack shot me at the end of Season 3, he dumped my body in this _space dumpster._

Master Vile: Well, then where is our queen?

Nina: Well, I kinda got hungry down there so….

Goldar: _YOU ATE OUR QUEEN!?_

Nina: Hey, a girl's got to get her nutrition somehow! Geez…but never mind that. I am free, so NOW WE CAN CONQUER EARTH!!!

Goons: Hooray.

Bill Buchanan, who is a giant head in a tube, is concerned.

Bill: Milo, the befuddled idiot robot. Nina Repulsa has escaped! We must get 5 teenagers to save the day, pronto.

Milo: On it!

Suddenly, 5 clueless teenagers get transported from their normal lives, from now on they become…._THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!!_

Song: _Go Go Power Rangers!!!_

STARRING: Jack Bauer…as….Bill?

Jack: What?

_GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!_

Chloe O'Brien as……Susan…

Chloe: I don't think there's a Susa….

_GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!_

Tony Almeida as……..Michelangelo..

Tony: Wrong show, pal…

_GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!_

Michelle Dessler as…….Helga

Michelle: Whatever.

_GO GO POWER RANGERS!! MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!_

And Morris O'Brien as……..Skippy.

Morris: Seriously, Dahling…

Jack: Let's morph into our animal robot things!

Rangers: YAY!

Jack: It's Morphin Time! Pterodactyl!

Chloe: Saber Tooth Tiger!

Tony: Kitty Cat!

Michelle: Walrus!

Morris: and, HEART!!!!

The others look at Morris.

Morris: Oh, were we not doing _'Captain Planet'_ anymore, I get so confused….

They transform into the SuperZoidZordMegaBotThing.

Jack: Let's go save the city!

The giant robot takes a step.

Nina: I will get you, Power Rangers….ACK! –SQUISH-

Chloe: What was that?

Jack: I'm sure it was nothing…keep walking.

A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK….beep…..beeep….beepp…beep….beppp…beep….beepp….


	7. 1:00pm 'Bombs & Betrayal'

The 24 Parody Project: Episode 7

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS

There's no one here.

Sweepy The Janitor: They went to lunch. Hmm, what's this?

He notices a blank piece of paper on the desk, which reads "THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF 24, WE HAVE NOTHING!".

Sweepy: Let's see….(he grabs a pencil, and starts writing down some crap).

Sweepy: Excellent….mwa ha ha….

-LATER-

Fred: Yum, what a good lunch.

Paul: Yup.

Sam: Indeed.

Jack bursts in.

Jack: Federal Agent, scumbag! Put your hands behind your head!

Fred: WHAT THE HELL!? Why are…

Jack: You've made a mess of this office for the last time, I'm taking a stand for all the Janitors of the world!

Fred: Excuse me….?

Paul: Uh oh, look at this.

Paul shows Fred the copy of the script for this week's episode at the top of the page read, 'This week's episode of 24. Written By: Sweepy The Janitor'.

Fred: WHAT!? We've been _wrote into the episode?!_

Jack: You're under arrest, put both hands out.

The writers put their hands out.

Jack: Now put them back in.

Confused, they pull their hands back in.

Jack: Now put them back out.

They hold their hands out again.

Jack (singing): _And you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and turn yourself arou…_

Fred: I think it's time to look for a new janitor….

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…….bebepbpepbepbepbepbpebpeepbbepe….24!!!

PREVIOUSLY ON 24:

-SWOOSH-

Karen: Oh my god! I got a _Golden Ticket!_ I'm going to see Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! (KAREN HAYES, WHO DOESN'T DESERVE HER OWN SQUARE)

Karen: That was rude….

Police Officer: Uh, no, Mrs. Hayes…Mrs. Buchannan…whatever it's supposed to be. I gave you a ticket because _you were speeding_.

Karen: I wasn't going that fast!

Officer: You were going 95…..in a 25….. in a school zone….next to a construction site……and you mowed down 3 kids!

Karen: Uh oh, he's onto me, better hide.

Karen opens a box labeled 'Props Stolen From _Harry Potter Set_'.

Karen: Ah ha! Try to find me now, with the amazing power of _The Invisibility Cloak!_

She throws a giant ass quilt over her head.

Officer: I can still see you.

Karen: This quilt smells funny…

-SWOOSH-

President Suvarov: Mr. Buchanan, I trust CTU will be able to stop the terrorists in time…

Bill: No need to worry. Like our motto says: We Put The '_Error'_ In '_Counter Terrorist Unit'. _(COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Suvarov: That doesn't make me feel any better.

-SWOOSH-

Audrey: Jack, taking a vacation on this cruise was such a great idea. Though I've never heard of _The Flying Dutchman_ before…

Davy Jones walks by.

Jack: Ew, what's wrong with your face? It's all tentacle-y.

Davy Jones: You have my box, I want it back!

Jack: Oh, this weird box with the beating heart in it?

Davy Jones: Yes. Give it to me at once!

Jack hands Davy Jones the chest.

Davy Jones: WHAT!? This box is filled with _Beanie Babies!_

Jack: _But they're so cute!_

Davy Jones: UNLEASH THE KRAKKEN!

Audrey: The what?

Suddenly, a giant tentacle crashes through the room. –CRASH!-

Jack: Aaaiiiieeee!!!! (JACK BAUER)

-AND-

Doyle: Jack, Audrey's screwed up in the head! We must make haste to CTU at once!

Tony: I call the shots here, Mike. Because I'm Jack Bauer, and _I play by my own rules_.

Doyle: Tony?! What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be kidnapped again.

Tony: Jack and Audrey are on some stupid cruise ship, so I got called in to take his place.

Doyle: But…oh forget it. My head hurts.

Tony: Federal Agent! Tell me where the bomb is! I'm running out of time! Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a Circus Clown! Heh heh, yea I can _so_ be Jack Bauer.

Doyle: I hate the world…

-YEA, NONE OF THAT CRAP HAPPENED-

Jack: The following takes place between 1:00pm and 2:00pm.

At the Terrorist Prison.

Doyle: Jack, we have to get Audrey back to CTU, on the double!

Tony: _Looks likes Team Rocket's blasting off again!_

Doyle: Dammit Tony!

-Aaaand, rewind-

At the Terrorist Prison.

Doyle: Jack, we have to get Audrey back to CTU, on the double.

Jack: Audrey, speak to me!

Audrey: _Help me Obi Wan Kinobi, you're my only hope._

Jack: Crap.

Doyle: Let's hurry Jack, before the terrorists find us.

Terrorists: Come out, come out! Wherever you are!

Jack grabs Audrey and they run out of the complex.

Audrey: Oh my head, Jack! Is that you! I remember everythi…

Jack spins around knocking Audrey's head against a dumpster. –WHAP!-

Jack: What was that?

Audrey: _Damn that Jughead, he ate all my hamburgers. _I don't see why Archie is friends with him, he's such an ass. Come on Veronica, let's go shopping…

Jack: Hmm…must have been the wind.

They run off.

Meanwhile, in a White House holding cell.

Tom: This is bad….uh, what are you doing?

Karen: Digging my way out.

Tom: You can't dig your way out.

Karen: You gotta believe, Tom. You just gotta believe.

Tom: Whatever.

Suddenly Secretary Penny enters, clearly upset.

Tom: Penny, why are you here. Didn't Ronald fire you in last week's episode for being an idiot?

Penny (weeping): -sniff-, yes. But…oh it's just awful…..

Karen: Oh no, don't tell me they're bringing _7__th__ Heaven _back for ANOTHER season! I can't take it anymore!

Penny: No, the president has…..has been murdered!

Tom and Karen look at each other.

Tom: Which one?

Penny: The president! Ronald!

Tom: WHAT!?

Karen: Honey, we know. Sherry Palmer came back as a robot and shot his crazy ass…

Tom: She's talking about McDonald, you fool!

Karen: Oh…..

Tom: Do you know who did it?

Penny: No, they're still investigating.

Tom: But wait, if you were fired, how did you get access into here.

Penny: I had….to do some stuff I wasn't proud of.

-FLASHBACK-

Penny walks up to the secret service.

Penny: _Pez?_ (she holds up a _Darth Vader_ Pez Dispenser.)

Guard: SURE!

He takes the candy, she runs for it.

-THAT WAS A LAME FLASHBACK, END-

Penny: Well, there's one person who I think it is, and I don't trust her!

Karen: It was _Kim Bauer! I knew it!_

Tom: Will you let her finish!?

Karen: Sorry…

Penny: I think it was Birdie, the Early Bird! In fact I'm almost positive.

Karen: How awful, that hoochie probably killed Grimace too!

Penny: No, that was you.

Tom: Yes.

Karen: Nobody has my back….

Barney Rubble: You have my support, Karen! Oops, better run…. (He grabs a bowl of cereal and starts to make a break for it)

Karen: _BARNEY, MY PEBBLES!_

She starts beating the crap out of Barney Rubble with a chair. –WHAP! WHAP! KWACK!-

Tom: I don't get her need to slaughter company mascots and children's cartoon characters.

Karen: Rainbow Brite is next.

Tom (to Penny): Please take me with you.

Suddenly a shot rang out, and Penny falls to the floor. Birdie is holding the smoking gun.

Karen: Birdie's holding the smoking gun!

I just said that…

Karen: Sorry.

Tom: Oh my god, _you killed Penny!_

Karen: You bastard!

Birdie: Yes, and I will kill you too. For you know too much.

Tom: We could use that secret service anytime now.

Birdie: I'm going to have to say goodbye, Mr. Lennox and Mrs…..is it Hayes or Buchannan?

Karen: I rotate back and forth.

Birdie: You won't be missed, I am much better as the head of the Department of Homeland Security.

Karen: Oooh, she told you.

Tom: SHE WAS TALKING TO YOU!!!

Karen: Ow…_my feelings…_

Birdie pulls the trigger. –BANG-….then falls to the floor.

Karen: Oh, it hurts! I'm a goner!

Tom: She shot me, moron…..

Karen: I feel your pain….wait, is she dead?

Noah Daniels is standing at the doorway holding a gun.

Tom: Vice President!

Karen: We're saved, except for Tom, but he's an acceptable loss…

Tom: Hey…..

Noah: It's good to see you alive.

Karen: But why aren't you dead?

Noah: I regained consciousness about 5 minutes ago.

Tom: Uh, should you be walking? Oh well, you saved our butts.

Noah: Well yea, I'll be fine though. Now come on, since I'm actually President now, we have a speech to prepare for.

Tom: You can't be serious. You just woke up from a coma after nearly being killed, and you want to go with the press conference in a couple of hours, in which you'll probably get killed.

Noah: Tom, this isn't just a press conference. I, along with the President of Australia are joining forces, and signing a 'Best Friends Forever' treaty. If we back down now, Australia will hate us forever!

Tom: That is the _stupidest _thing I have ever heard!

Karen: Hey, I dug myself out. Bye suckers! (She crawls off)

1:08:22, Jack & Doyle are still driving to CTU / Chloe is in Witch prison / Kim is sitting in the Cougar's living room / Bill and Milo are clapping each others hands.

Bill and Milo (singing): _Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell. Miss Susie sat upon it, and broke her little ASK me no more questions, tell me no more lies. And if you disconnect me, the steamboat went to HELLO operator, there was a piece of glass, the boys were in the bathroom, the steamboat had a HELLO operator, give me number nine, Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat went BEHIND the refrigerator, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Susie's in the bathroom, the steamboat had a…_

Nadia: _SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!_

Bill: How does the rest of the song go?

Nadia: If you're going to sing that stupid rhyme, at least get the words right, GOD!

Bill: Cranky…..

Meanwhile, at the Cougar's.

Cougar: We'll be safe here.

Kim: Yea.

Cougar: There's a nuclear bomb that's going to go off, and will destroy everything.

Kim: That's bad.

Cougar: Hey, would you like to see my underground shelter.

Kim: Why not?

The cougar leads Kim down a spirally staircase to a bomb shelter.

Kim: This is sort of impressive.

Cougar: Yea, it took me many years to build it….oh no! What's that?!

Kim: What?

Cougar: It…it cannot be….

Kim: WHAT?

Cougar: ….BOOM!!!

Kim: GASP!

Cougar: …..boom….boom…..kablammo!

Kim: Is that…..?

Cougar: Yes. The bomb! The earth is being destroyed!

Kim: Oh no!

Cougar: Don't worry, we'll start a new life down here.

Kim: That doesn't sound so bad….

Cougar: Let me get some stuff ready for……_dinner._

Kim walks around and turns the tv on.

Reporter: It's clear and sunny today, with a 0 chance of a nuclear attack. So local idiots should be careful from evil Cougars who are out to prey on the stupid, and have a full course meal to boot.

Kim: Boring!

Reporter: THAT MEANS YOU, KIM BAUER!

Kim: EEP!

Kim runs up the stairs, she almost makes it to the door when the cougar stops her.

Cougar: Where do you think you're going? We still need to eat dinner!

Kim: NO! You can't eat me! I taste bitter!

Cougar: WHAT!? I wasn't going to eat you!

Kim: You weren't? But, I saw your recipe book…

Cougar: 'The Joy Of Cooking FOR Bauer…in 1 hour'?

Kim: Oh, well I feel stupid.

Cougar: I feel stupid…because I haven't realized this before….but….._I love you._

Kim: I love you too.

Cougar: Will you marry me?

Kim: YES! I will! Let's have a hundred kids.

Cougar: They'll be hideous, but whatever! To the chapel!

Kim and The Cougar get married, and have 112 hideous looking children. Kim wins the lottery and her and the cougar move into a castle. Jack saves the day when he gets superpowers from radiation exposure, deploying all the terrorists into space, and the cast of 24 lived happily ever after…..THE END…..god, this again? THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Cougar: Man, what did they do to you in the Terrorist Prison?

Kim: Some tests….

Cougar: You know what, just go……I'll be fine.

Kim: Oh okay. Can I get a ride to CTU?

Cougar: Ugh…fine, hop on.

Kim gets on the cougar and they ride off into the sunset….at 1:13:41…..hmm.

A car pulls up to the popular motel '_Pros Ti Toosh_ _Inn'_. It's French…..

Tony: No it's not! What a stupid name for a motel….

Guard: Quiet you.

The guards pull Tony and Michelle out of the car and drag them into the motel.

Tony: This place smells funny.

Tony and Michelle are escorted through the halls of The _Pros Ti Toosh Inn_, up a set of stairs and to room '122', the guard knocks on the door. Logan answers.

Tony & Michelle: GASP! Charles Logan!...Hey we just said that at the same time….stop copying me…..shut up…..you shut up……stop it…..I'm telling……

Logan: Bring them in.

Tony and Michelle get thrown on the ground near the bed. Morris is across from them sitting against the wall.

Michelle: Morris!

Morris: Hello Dahling.

Tony: What are you doing here?

Morris: Well, you see that _Easy Bake Oven_ looking thing on the bed right above you, that's a nasty bomb.

Michelle: eep.

Morris: And now they're forcing me against my will to build a detonator to blow it up, and kill the president.

Tony: At 4:00, Charles Logan's the terrorist!

Michelle: We knew that already.

Tony: Oh…

Logan: Now, O'Brien, I'm running out of patience…and screen time. You will build the detonator or I will kill your friends!

Morris: Who _them!?_ Nah….

Michelle: You traitorous sleaze ball!

Tony: You _so_ aren't invited to my birthday party next week.

Michelle: You tell him, girlfriend!

They snap…whatever.

Logan: Silence! (He holds the gun up to Morris' head), now build!

Morris: NEVER!...dahling.

Logan: That's it. Mandy, proceed…

Mandy: Sure….uh oh.

Tony: HEY, IT'S YOU!

Michelle: Yea, you're that skank who kidnapped Tony in Season 4!

Mandy: Uh….uh….no I'm not…..

Michelle: You sure? Oh, my bad. _It was probably Chloe._

Tony: Yea, she has the hots for me.

Michelle: I'm sure she does.

Mandy (To Morris): You better start talking…

She takes a screwdriver and starts to rotate it into Morris' shoulder.

Morris: Uh….

Logan: Couldn't you find something more intimidating?

Mandy: It's all I have.

Logan: Ugh….well, shoot him in the foot.

Mandy grabs the gun and pulls the trigger…..and nothing.

Mandy: No bullets!

Logan: No electric screwdriver, no bullets! We suck. Ima, run to the store and get some bullets, or a power drill, whatever comes first. We're running out of time.

Michelle: Isn't that Jack's line?

Tony: Can you grab me a _Hostess Cupcake?_

Ima: No.

Tony: Aww…..

Meanwhile, at the Los Angeles Witch Trials, Chloe is about to be burned at the stake.

Chloe: Yes, I am still in this stupid sub-plot and Chloe has NOT been rescued yet, what's going on here?!

Officer Bob: Chloe O'Brien! You are guilty of being witch and in violation of Los Angeles witch laws. Violation is punishable by burning at the stake.

Chloe: I'm pretty sure this isn't in my contract.

The villagers light the fire which starts to burn Chloe.

Chloe: ACK! It's HOT! THIS SUCKS!

-SIZZLE!-

1:18:11, Chloe burns to a crisp / Jack and Doyle pull into CTU, carrying Audrey into the building / Ima is running next door to 7-11 for bullets, uh they shouldn't have those there / Bill and Milo are attempting to play 'Backgammon'.

Bill: _How the hell do you play this game_!?

Milo: I'm so confused.

Jack and Doyle burst through the main hall. Jack has Audrey draped over his shoulder.

Bill: Jack, what happened?

Jack: I don't know, the terrorists did something to Audrey in prison, and now she's in a state of catatonic shock.

Audrey: I'm actually okay. I remember everythi….

Jack spins around, knocking Audrey against a desk. –BONK!-

Audrey: oooh, pretty kitty…..here kitty kitty…..

Jack: Must have been the wind.

Bill: Okay, just throw her in the medical room for now. We have bigger issues to tackle with.

Jack drops Audrey. –SPLAT!-

Jack: _Issues?!_ What kind of issues?

Bill: While you two were out finding information on Charles Logan, Morris has been kidnapped and is forced to build a remote detonation device for a Kat-9 explosive which is supposed to kill the president in a couple of hours.

Milo: How do you know all that? WITCH!!! WITCH!!!!

Bill pulls a gun out and shoots Milo. –BANG-

Milo: Urk….

Bill: Anyway…you must find out where Logan is holding him. Hey Milo…

Milo gets back up.

Milo: Yup, I got it. We tracked a phone trace from a payphone to the motel _'The Pros Ti Toosh Inn'_….it's French.

Doyle: Uh….no it's not…..

Bill: You better hurry, because if Logan gets a hold of that remote, _we can forget about getting renewed for another season._

Nadia: Could you please try to _stay in character?_

Meanwhile, Chloe wakes up…

Chloe: What? I'm alive, I thought I was burnt at the stake.

A man in a black cloak approaches her.

Chloe: Are you serious? Are you supposed to be 'Death'?

Death: I'm actually…..(he takes off his hood)….._George Mason!!! Duhn! Duhn! Duuuuuhn!_

Chloe: Oh crap! Not you…..

George: What?

Chloe: You're not going to reveal yourself as post-op transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

George: No, Chloe. I have an important message for you.

Chloe: I'm dead?

George: Well, that. And you must come with me, for you have a lot of work to do.

Chloe: What!? What kind of work.

George: As….'_A Grim Reaper!'_

Chloe: You must be joking.

George: I wish I was.

Chloe: Wait….does that mean you're a grim reaper?

George: Well, somebody has to control all the dying in '24'. And being the grim reaper, it's our job to make sure to keep the natural order of things.

Chloe: Oh good grief….

1:24:21, Ima is running to her 8th 7-11 in search of bullets / Bill is working a lemonade stand / Jack & Doyle are driving / Karen is putting on a puppet show.

Karen: And now, _24 Marionette Theater_!

She pulls out a Jack Bauer and a Chloe O'Brien puppet doll.

Karen (in a deep voice): _Blargh! I'm Jack Bauer! This is the longest day of my life. Events occur in real time_.

Karen (in an even _lower _pitched voice): Blargh! I'm Chloe, I'm a grumpy guss. I know about computer stuff. _Blah blah blah Floppy disk blah blah Windows XP!_

Tom: That was just horrible.

Noah: My eyes and ears are burning. Anyway, we have to get ready for the teleconference.

Noah, Karen, and Tom enter a room with a huge screen.

Noah: Start the teleconference.

The President of Australia comes on the screen.

Noah: Hello, Mr. President.

President Of Australia: Hello, President Daniels. I hope everything is going as planned for the press conference…that isn't televised like this one. So we can sign out 'peace' treaty.

Noah: Yes.

President Of Australia: Good. See you then. Bye. –click-

Noah: _That's it?_

Tom: I was expecting that to be longer.

Karen: What a waste of $13 million dollars of the taxpayer's money.

Noah: There goes my presidency for the next season.

Karen: That is if you aren't killed at 4:00 first.

Noah: Thank you Karen, I feel much better now.

Karen: You're welcome!

Meanwhile, at a 'Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace'.

Chloe: Why are we here?

George: This is your first assignment as a grim reaper in training.

Chloe: From a computer tech to a grim reaper, this is what I've become. I knew I should have taken the role of the snooty next door neighbor on '_Two and A Half Men'_.

George: Now, here's how this works. Your target is going to die soon, you must 'reap' their soul before their demise or it will be trapped in the lifeless body forever and we'll get written up by the powers that be, got it.

Chloe: I guess.

George: Now, that man over there. A 'gargoyle' statue is going to fall down and crush him to death, go up to him and stroke a part of his body to 'reap' the soul then you're done.

Chloe: A 'gargoyle'?

George: Just go.

Chloe walks over to the man.

Chloe: Hi, can I touch you?

The man looks up from his basket of chicken.

Man: Uh…I guess so.

Chloe strokes the man's arm, reaping his soul.

Chloe: Okay, watch for falling statues, enjoy your lunch.

She walks back to George.

Chloe: How did I do?

George: You did well for your first time, death is an important part of how the world works. Our job is done here.

-CRASH-

People outside: Oh my god! A gargoyle statue just fell on that man! He's going to miss out on today's specials!

George: Uh oh.

Chloe: I reaped the wrong guy!?

George: What…oh heaven's no, that belonged to someone else.

Chloe looks over to the man at the table who's face down in his chicken basket.

Chloe: What about that guy?

George: Our job here is done, let's go.

They walk out.

A car pulls up to the _Pros Ti Toosh Inn_. Jack and Doyle get out.

Jack: Here we are.

Doyle: At last.

Jack: Okay, Morris is in one of these buildings.

Doyle: Jack, there are over 30 rooms, it will take forever for us to find them!

Jack: Hmm. Where to start?

Suddenly, a random guy pokes his head out the window.

Guy: Will you two keep it down over there!? I'm on my honeymoon! Geez, it sounds like you're torturing someone over there!

Doyle: JACK!

Jack: I know……

Doyle: They have a _continental breakfast!_

Jack: Let's be on our way!

They run into the motel.

Inside at 1:36:22

Logan: Dammit! CTU found us.

Morris: There! It's complete.

Logan: Good. Now that we have no use for you, Mandy will take care of you, wait what happened to Ima?

Mandy gets off her cell phone.

Mandy: She appears to be stuck in the line at JC Penny's.

Logan: Wow, I didn't know they sold bullets there! Well, we don't have time to wait.

Logan walks out of the room and next door. He knocks.

A strange man opens the door.

Man: What?

Logan: Do you have a gun I can borrow, kind sir?

Man: Sure.

The man reaches over to a drawer and pulls out a gun, he hands it to Charles.

Logan: Many thanks.

Logan returns to the bedroom as Jack and Doyle chow down on pancakes at the motel continental breakfast.

Clerk: Uh, this breakfast is only for guests who are staying at the motel.

Jack: Uh…yes were here as guests, check your list.

Clerk: Okay, what's your name?

Jack: Oh crap. Uh…Robert……and….Josephine……WeinerSchnitzel.

Clerk (to Doyle): You don't look like a 'Josephine'.

Jack: Yes, I've been telling my darling wife that she has been looking quite _mannish_ lately.

Doyle: Well! I never!

He slaps Jack with his purse. –WHAP!-

Doyle: Where the hell did this purse come from?

Robert WeinerSchnitzel: Hello! We'll be checking out of our rooms now!

Clerk: HEY!

Jack: Uh oh! We're busted! Run before she calls the cops!

Doyle: Jack, _we are the cops_.

Jack: Oh right. You're under arrest!

Doyle: Jack, she didn't do anything!

Jack: Hmm. Okay, well. Cuff her now, we'll come back later. I'm sure she'll have done something scandalous by then.

Doyle handcuffs her, him and Jack take off down the hallway towards Logan's room.

Back in the room.

Logan: Okay, Ima is taking way too long. Here Mandy, take this gun and finish off O'Brien, then we can escape.

Tony: OOH! What about us? Don't forget about loveable Tony and Michelle!

Mandy: I was going to kill you afterwards.

Tony: Never mind. _You can forget about loveable Tony and Michelle!_

Michelle: Shut up.

Tony: Okay.

Logan: Forget it, they're down the hall. We go now!

Logan and Mandy escape with the remote out the window and down the fire escape ladder, it's only a 1 story motel so I don't see how _that's possible,_ but oh well.

1:42:02, Meanwhile, at the Super Mart

Chloe: Why are we here?

George: This is your next target. A bomb is about to go off in a few minutes. You have to reap the souls of 'these people'.

George drops a list a mile long.

Chloe: This is over 300 people. There's no way I can do this.

George: Then you better start reaping.

Chloe: Well, _you're a reaper!_ Can't you help me.

George: Well, I'm kinda 'off the clock' now. Besides, I have to go return this 'Strawberry Shortcake' alarm clock, it's too vulgar.

Chloe takes a breath and bolts through the store, slapping people left and right.

-SMACK-

Man: OW!

-SMACK-

Woman: The hell!

-WHACK-

Man: OOF!

-KRACK-

Boy: That lady broke my wookie!

-WAP-

Woman: ACK!

Meanwhile at the Customer Service Desk.

George: What do you mean, 'I can't return this'?

Clerk: Sir, you don't have a receipt. And you didn't even buy this here. It says 'Exclusively sold at 'Nina Myers' Store Of Antique Crap'.

George: Hmm….you've won this battle, Super Mart clerk….you won this battle.

Clerk: You just said that.

Chloe runs up, out of breath.

Chloe: GASP! WHEEZE! Okay….-huff-….-puff-….I did it.

George: Good job, Chloe, I should give you a promotion.

Chloe: Wonderful…..I'm so friggin thrilled.

George: Now we better get out of here, before the bomb goes off and kills everyone.

Clerk: WHAT?!

George: Oh, just kidding.

Clerk: That's good.

George: Don't forget to reap her too.

Clerk: WHAT?!

Chloe slides her hand down the Clerk's arm.

George: Another job well done.

-KA BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!-

Chloe: Uh…..

Man: Oh my god, somebody blew up a 'Payless Shoe Store'!

Woman: It's raining shoes! ACK! _High Heels! They hurt! OW!_

George: Hmm…..

Chloe: You made me do the wrong place again, didn't you?

George: Yea, you better put the souls back into those 300 people you just reaped or the powers that be will be really pissed.

Chloe: God I hate you…..

Back at _Pros Ti Toosh Inn._

Jack and Doyle burst through the room.

Jack: Michelle!

Michelle: Jack!

Morris: Agent Doyle!

Doyle: Michelle!

Jack: Doyle!

Doyle: Tony!

Morris: Will somebody say _my name_ for crying out loud!

Jack: Morris!

Morris: Thank you.

Jack: Did you build the device for them that can detonate the KAT-9.

Morris: Well, yea. I didn't want to be tortured, although I wouldn't really call it 'torture'.

Jack: You made it 'fake' right? You wouldn't have gave them a real device that can blow up the president and anything in a 1000 mile radius, will you?!

Morris: Of course not, dahling. I'm not that stupid.

Jack: That's a relief.

Morris: I hid _the real detonator somewhere safe_.

Jack: WHAT?! Why would you make a real one? Oh, well where did you hide it?

Meanwhile, in an escape car.

Mandy: What's this in my purse? Uh, it _looks like another detonator._

Logan: What?

Mandy: It says 'Real Kat-9 Detonator, Not the fake one. Designed by _Morris O'Brien_, Age. 5'

Logan: Well, that's….weird. Then throw out the fake one then.

Mandy tosses it out the window.

And back at the Motel.

Jack: _YOU PUT IT IN MANDY'S PURSE?!_

Morris: Sorry dahling….

Jack: Well……well…..this sucks!

Doyle: We better get back to CTU Jack, it's only a little over 2 hours until the press conference!

Jack: RIGHT! I'll ask my niece _Penny_, she'll know what to do.

Penny: Uncle Jack! According to my super computer book, I'm getting no sign of what the terrorists will do next. Come on, Brain, let's go!

Brain, Penny's dog, sits on the floor licking himself.

Tony: Ew, gross….

Jack picks up the ringing telephone.

Jack: Yes.

Dr. Claw: _I'll get you next time, Inspector Gadget! MWA HA HA!_

Jack: What the hell?

Morris: Can someone untie me? Man, no love for Morris this episode….oh and now the screen is shrinking down, that's just great!

The screen shrinks down at 1:53:57, Morris is yelling at the screen / Noah, Tom, and Karen get ready to depart for the press conference / Kim and the cougar stop at a convenience store for a snack / Jack, Doyle, Tony, and Michelle are running down the hallway tripping over each other / another shot of Morris complaining that no one untied him yet / Milo opened up a rival Lemonade Stand / Bill is pissed that Milo is trying to destroy his business and declares war / Nadia is online looking for another job / Chloe is running non stop through the Super Mart, slapping people again / The doctors are working on Audrey / Logan pulls over to pick up Ima, who has bullets / A terrorist is entering an office of some sort.

Doctor Wart: In all my years of medical science, I've never seen anything like this!

Doctor Adams: It's your first day.

Wart: Don't question me!

Audrey sits up.

Audrey: Wow, I'm back at CTU, I remember everything.

A miniature gargoyle statue falls on her head. –BONK!-

Audrey (singing): _What's new pussycat? Whoa whoa whooooaah. What's new pussycat? Oww…my heeead huuurrts…_

In the escape car,

Logan: Well, glad you could get bullets. Now that we don't need them anymore.

Ima: You always need bullets.

Logan: True. Okay, we're off to the press conference, it's a couple hours away, but we have preparations to do.

Mandy: Uh, Charles. This detonator requires 6 AA batteries!

Logan: And we don't have batteries. Wonderful. Stupid Morris….

Meanwhile, Kim and the Cougar are walking are shopping at the store.

Cougar: Baxter.

Kim: What?

Cougar: The name's 'Baxter'.

Kim: Oh.

Baxter: 'Baxter J. Cougar'.

Kim: I see.

Baxter: We have a bit to go until we get to CTU, so I thought we get reacquainted.

Kim: I'm down with that.

A man enters the store.

Man: THIS IS A HOLDUP!

Baxter: You're cursed, aren't you?

Kim: I'm a _Bauer_, it's a family trait.

AT CTU, Milo (avoiding being bombed by Bill's lemonade stand) is looking at his terminal.

Milo: Hey, I got something!

Nadia walks over, she gets pelted in the head with a lemon –WHAP!-

Nadia: OW! Dammit Bill!

Bill: Sorry…

Milo: I managed to hack into one of the terrorist's bank accounts, and one of his last transactions with this woman.

Nadia: _Agatha Bauer?_

Milo: Yes….._Jack's Grandmother!_

Nadia: What?! God, aren't there any of Jack's relatives who DON'T work for the terrorists?

Nadia gets whapped in the head again with a lemon, she falls to the floor.

Bill: Uh oh, I think I killed her.

Milo: Give her '_The Silent Clock!'_

1:59:57 (no beep)

1:59:58 (no beep)

1:59:59 (no beep)

2:00:00 (no beep)

Nadia: I didn't die, you jerks!

NEXT TIME ON: 24.

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Oh my head!...Where am I?

A pack of _Care Bears _surround Jack.

Jack: AAAHHH!

Funshine Bear: We have you now Jack Bauer!

Jack: What do you want?!

Bedtime Bear: You know what this is about!

Jack: Uh, no.

Funshine Bear: Oh really, well we have proof that you killed 'Wish Bear' and had him stuffed and mantled on your wall!

Jack: Yea, it was my greatest accomplishment!

Grumpy Bear: Kill him!

Jack: EEK!

The Care Bears beat the crap out of Jack.

-FWOOSH-

Tony is holding a gun, faced off against his….evil twin.

Tony: I've got you now!

Tony: Really? You won't get away with this.

Tony: Wait, who's the bad guy? Me or you?

Tony: Uh…..I don't know.

Tony: Oh well.

They start slapping each other.

-SWOOSH-

Karen: Bill, I have to fire you.

Bill: WHAT?! Why?

Karen: Because I have detectives here with evidential proof that you associated with _Abu Fayed._

Bill: That's ridiculous.

Karen plays the tape.

Bill walks into a 'Denny's'.

Abu Fayed: Hello, sir. Would you like a booth or table?

Bill: Nah, I just need to pee. Thanks.

Bill: You're firing me because of _that?!_

Karen: Well….yes. So Bill Buchanan of CTU, you're fired! Oh, _can you pick up some Kentucky Fried Chicken on your way home_? Love you, bye.

She hangs up.

Karen: He's taking it very well.

-SWOOSH-

Michelle is driving in a car.

Michelle: I am going to get my revenge, I am going to KILL…..BILL……Buchanan.

COMING THIS SUMMER….maybe….probably not.

KILL BILL….Buchanan.

Michelle: Wow, Tony. Getting married in this crappy chapel in the middle of nowhere sure was a great idea.

Tony: Yuppers!

Bill enters the Chapel with _The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad._

Audrey One Eye, Chloe Ishii, Nadia Green, and Morris O'Drunkard.

Morris: How rude.

Bill: Hello Michelle.

Michelle: Oh crap.

-BANG BANG BANG-

A TALE OF REVENGE

Nadia: I'm sorry we killed the people you cared about. Now look at this box of 'Lucky Charms' WHILE I SHOOT YOU!

Michelle throws a butter knife at Nadia, -SHOINK!-

A TALE OF….WANTING TO GET BACK AT SOMEONE FOR SOMETHING THEY DID BAD TO YOU…WHICH WOULD TECHNICALLY BE REVENGE

Audrey: Bill, Michelle is lying on this bed before me, let me kill her.

Bill: No, she deserves a more honorable death.

Audrey: GRR.

A STORY OF LOVE

Chloe: It's YOU!

Michelle: Chloe Ishii! I want my revenge!

The screen turns red, WEEEE WOOOOO WEEEE WOOOO.

Michelle chops of Chloe's scalp, it goes flying.

Audrey walks out of the building.

Audrey: Hey guys, dinner's ready. (It lands on her face, -FWAP-) EEEW! GROSS!!!!

A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP

Morris: Sorry dahling, I bury you alive now.

Michelle: You suck!

A TIMELESS CLASSIC, FOR ONLY 4 EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.95!

Jack: Welcome to Hatori Hanzo's Swords Emporium. We have a huge sale going on right now!

Michelle: Well, that's convenient!

IN THE YEAR, 200X

Audrey: This is our final battle!

Michelle: Bring it!

Audrey turns and bonks her head on a cabinet, her eye falls out.

Audrey: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My remaining eye!!!

Michelle: Ooh, a suitcase full of money. AAAH SNAKES!

A snake lunges at her face.

MICHELLE DESSLER…..

Bill: We have some unfinished business.

Michelle: Shouldn't we be stopping terrorists?

WILL KILL…..BILL…..BUCHANAN!

A NEW EPISODE OF 24: NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….


	8. 2:00pm 'Trapped In The Freezer'

The 24 Parody Project: Episode 8

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred, Paul, and Sam are sitting at the writer's table, once again plotting what to do with this week's episode….and staring at a cage with a hamster in it.

Fred: This……is…….ridiculous.

Paul: What? This is a good idea.

Sam: I agree.

Fred: Why the hell are we staring at this hamster?

Paul: Okay, there is a box in the cage with the hamster. The box is filled with episode ideas. The hamster will go to the box, and pick out an idea…from the box. That is the plot we will use for this week's episode.

Fred: Plot?! What are you talking about?! In last week's episode, Chloe became a grim reaper, Morris built the Kat-9 remote detonator, and we found out that Jack's friggin grandmother is now involved with the terrorists. Why can't we just go off that?!

Paul: To keep the show fresh of course. Now….Go Skippy! Go!

Skippy the hamster saunters up to the idea box and digs in.

-Later-

Fred: Uh….it's been 2 hours, and Skippy is still in the box.

Sam opened the cage and looked into the box.

Sam (sobbing): Poor Skippy! He drowned!

Paul: NOOO!

Fred: _How the hell do you drown in a box filled with paper!_

Sam: He was a good hamster!

Fred: _HE WAS A STUPID HAMSTER!_

Sam: Ok, meeting adjourned. We'll meet after I get back from the pet store.

Fred: Why do you need to get another hamster? Just pick a paper from the box.

Sam: What's the fun in that?

Fred: Ugh…

-Even Later-

Sam: Okay, Skippy 2, GO!

Skippy 2 the hamster runs toward the box…and right into it. –WHAP!-

Sam: Skippy 2!!!

Paul: NOOOO!

Fred rolls his eyes.

Sam: Be right back.

-Even More Later-

Sam: Okay Skippy 3, GO!

Fred: Please!

Skippy 3 runs to the box, digs into the box and pulls out an idea.

Sam: YAY! Skippy 3! Now hand me the idea.

Skippy 3 swallows the paper and chokes to death.

Sam: SKIPPY 3!!!

Paul: NOOO!

Fred: Oh for the love of god…..

-Many many even more hours later-

Sam: Okay Skippy 54, GO!

Fred opens the cage, grabs a piece of paper, and reads it.

Fred: ….this one's blank……ALL OF THE PAPERS ARE BLANK!!!!

Sam: Paul, did you forget to write the episode ideas on the paper?

Paul: Oh, I was supposed to do that?

Fred: AAAAARRRRGH!!!!

Fred jumps out the window. –CRASH-

Sam: Oh well, cue opening title sequence…..

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Beep….beep….beep….beeep….bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbe….24!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24…….

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: _I'm melting! Meeeelting! Eeeeeehhh_... (CHLOE O'BRIAN, EXTRA CRISPY)

George Mason: You will join me, in my merciless army of grim reapers!

Chloe: Oh boy….

-SWOOSH-

Birdie: I'm going to kill both of you, _just like I killed the president!_ MWA HA HA!!! (She plops out an egg)….eeek! (BIRDIE, THE EARLY BIRD, SHE'S DEAD NOW)

Karen: Someone save us!!

Underdog: Never fear! _Underdog is here!_

Karen: Well, we're done for.

Underdog: Hey, I have feelings too, you know.

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Nobody puts _Baby_ in the corner! (JACK BAUER)

Michelle: What the hell are you talking about?!

Bill: I can go for some _Arby's_ right about now. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: Jack, we have a serious problem. _Duke just sold the Bush's Baked Beans recipe to the terrorists!_

Jack: WHAT?! That dumb dog.

Duke The Dog: Here you go terrorists! Now I want my money.

Jack tackles Duke.

Duke: You're too late. Now the terrorists will win the County Bake Sale for sure.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Morris takes a swig of beer.

Chloe: Morris! You're drinking beer!

Jack: God, Chloe, what are you? _The narrator?_

Morris: No dahling, you heard of that '24 Drinking Game' where you take a drink whenever Jack says one of his usual quotes. I wanted to play.

Chloe: No, you just wanted an excuse to drink.

Morris: Try it, dahling.

Chloe takes a beer, Jack walks up to them.

Jack: Hi friends!

Chloe stomps on Jack's toe.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Chloe and Morris take a drink.

Jack turns around to run head first into a door.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Chloe and Morris take another drink.

Chloe: Wow, _this is fun!_

Morris: You see, dahling?

Jack: I hate you both……

Kim: The following takes place between 2:00pm and 3:00pm.

At the convenience store, Kim and Baxter J. Cougar are held hostage…..uh, at the convenience store…..where….they are being held hostage.

Kim: 3 points for originality.

Baxter: Seriously, dahling.

Kim: Quit talking like Morris.

Baxter: Sorry.

Robber: Now just as long as you do what I say, no one will get hurt.

Baxter: We have to find a way out of here.

Kim: Yea.

Baxter: Back there. In the bathroom. There's a window.

Kim: So?

Baxter: We go out the window.

Kim: …

Baxter: ….and run away.

Kim: …

Baxter: We be free then.

Kim: I like the way you think.

Baxter sighs. He starts to crawl toward the restroom.

Baxter: Distract the robber.

Kim: Okay…..oh hello Mr. Burglar guy?

Robber: And who are you supposed to be?

Kim: I am……_Paris Hilton_!

Robber: WHAT!?

Baxter: WHAT?!

Robber: You are…._the_ Paris Hilton?

Kim: Yes, and you will bow down to me!

Robber: _Yes, my liege_.

Baxter: Oh brother.

Kim: Now….fetch me a Twinkie!

The robber hauls to the snack cake section and grabs a Twinkie.

Robber: I brought you your snack cake, my queen!

Kim: Now….._open the package!_

Robber: ….okay, I have the Twinkie out!

Kim: Now, _stuff it in my mouth!_

Baxter: The FCC are probably crapping themselves now….

The robber stuffs the Twinkie in Kim's mouth.

Kim: Mmmm, it's sooo good.

Robber: I'm glad you like it, my master!

Meanwhile, the real Paris Hilton knocks at the door of the convenience store.

Paris Hilton: HELLO!? Are you guys open! I need to buy some Vodka and _Red Bull!_...and some Twinkies!

Robber: HEY! You're not Paris Hilton!

Kim (Shouting, spitting Twinkie pieces everywhere): Yeah, _get lost you imposter!_

Robber: I was talking to you!

Kim: Oh……

Baxter (In the bathroom): This window was _painted on!?_ Who the hell paints a window on a wall, that's just stupid! I hate this place already.

Kim: I'm the real Paris Hilton!

Paris: No she's not!

Robber: I don't know, who the real Paris is…

Baxter crawls back to Kim.

Baxter: The window was fake, we're going to have to find another way out.

Kim: Well crap. I, Paris Hilton, _am not pleased_.

Paris: _YOU'RE NOT PARIS HILTON!!!_

2:05:22, CTU. Jack pulls the car into the parking lot. Inside…what is going on? What will happen? Let's go inside and find out.

Nadia: Oookay.

Milo: So yea.

Nadia: Jack's grandmother, huh?

Bill: Man, whatever we do. We cannot tell him until after he stops the Presidential assassination. It will only distract him.

Nadia: Okay.

Milo: Sure.

Jack: Hi everybody!

Bill: Jack, your grandmother's a terrorist!

Nadia and Milo slap their foreheads.

Jack: WHAT?!

Nadia: What Bill…meant to say; was that we were able to track a transaction with one of the terrorist'ss bank accounts and the last person he dealt with was Agatha Bauer…you're grandmother.

Jack: I can't believe this.

Nadia: But we can deal with that later. Jack, we have to stop the assassination on the President! We must stop Charles Logan.

Jack: Right!

Chloe flies in on a broomstick. She takes off her pointy witch hat and throws it behind her desk.

Chloe: Hi everyone, sorry I'm late.

Bill: Chloe, I'm glad you finally came out of the restroom.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Nadia: I'm glad you're okay, I told you not to eat the chili in the cafeteria.

Chloe: No. I wasn't in the bathroom. I was carried away by villagers from IHOP for being a witch, then I got burned at the stake and George Mason made me a Grim Reaper which got us no where so he brought me back to life for being such a good sport…god even I don't even believe that story.

Milo: Oh hey Chloe, you finally came out of the bathroom.

Chloe: _Did no one realize I was gone!_ It was Milo's fault I was….oh forget it.

Morris: Hello, Dahling.

Chloe: Hi Morris. I'm glad you're not hurt. Good going giving Logan the real detonator for the Kat-9.

Morris: Here we go…..

Jack: So where can I find Agatha?

Chloe: Let me try.

Chloe gets on her computer. And bangs her hands on the keyboard in an exaggerated manner.

Chloe: Got it.

A paper prints out.

Chloe: This is the address of her last known location. Start from there.

Jack: Great. Come on Michelle!

Michelle: Uh, excuse me?

Jack: We have to go stop my granny!

Michelle: Jack, I'm not a field agent….take Chloe.

Chloe: Um what?….

Jack: No Michelle, I need you. Because…you're the only woman for the job.

Michelle: Gee, thanks Jack….wait, are you going to use me as a human shield?

Jack: …….yes.

Michelle: Forget it!

Jack: Please! Please! Please!

Michelle: Oh allright.

Bill: Glad we got that settled, now Tony, I want you to go with agent Doyle to Washington D.C to get the first look at what we're dealing with for the press conference.

Tony: Sure.

Doyle: Okay.

Bill: Okay! Go team!

Jack: RIGHT!

Jack turns around and stubs his toe on the desk.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Morris and Chloe take a drink of beer.

2:12:07. Jack, Michelle, Tony, and Doyle run out of CTU, then realize they forgot their keys so they run back inside / Kim and Paris Hilton are engaged in a slapping match / Bill is playing a grand piano while Nadia sits on top of it wearing a red sequined dress and singing some stupid song / Milo plays the drums / Morris plays the saxophone / Chloe plays the 'Triangle' which is a stupid instrument, Chloe throws the 'Triangle' at Milo's head –DING!- / Noah is stroking his beard menacingly, then realizes he doesn't have a beard so he rips it off.

Noah: So how are we doing on the speech?

Karen: Okay, this is what I have so far. 'My fellow Americans...blah blah blah…….yada yada yada……friendship….blah…..togetherness….and so on.'

Noah (Reading the paper): Are you kidding me? You actually put '_blah blah blah'_, there's nothing here.

Karen: Am I going to get an 'F'?

Noah: ….yes.

Karen: Aw shucks.

Tom: Here, Mr. President. I pre-wrote a speech.

Karen: How do you pre-write something?

Tom: This is brilliant. Good work, Tom.

Noah puts a gold star on his paper.

Tom: Yay!

Karen: GRR!

Noah: Okay, next thing……we……urk!

Noah collapses.

Tom & Karen: ACK!

Tom: This is bad.

The Joint Chiefs rush in.

Joint Chief Sue: Just as I suspected. Noah Daniels is not fit for his position as commander in chief.

Joint Chief Sue pulls a rope. A giant sign drops down that reads 'THE 25th AMMENDMENT' followed by loud noise, balloons and confetti flying to the ground.

Tom: Don't you think that's a little much?

Sue: Nope. We take a vote to see if Noah should be removed from office in 30 minutes!

The Joint Chiefs run out of the room.

Tom: What I would give to have a president last for more than an hour.

Karen: Damn skippy…

2:17:13, Charles Logan, Mandy, and Ima Mole walk into Wal-Mart.

Logan: Okay, we're here for batteries. So we can get this stupid detonator working so we can blow up the president so we can get our money and get out of the country.

Mandy: Thanks for catching us up on our sub-plot.

Logan: Now, if we stick together we can get out of here in a timely manner, and another thing….

Ima: I'm off to the 'Electronics'!

Mandy: I'll be in 'Camping & Equipment'! I need a new gun….

They take off.

Logan: HEY!

Meanwhile, in the back room.

Eduardo: Hey man, do you have the 'stuff'?

Kyle, a teenager holds up a bag of 'Cocaine'.

Kyle: Sure do!

Eduardo: Now, don't drop it.

Kyle: Oops! (He drops the bag.)

Eduardo: ACK!

The bag busts and fumes get sucked up through the vent into the ventilation system.

Eduardo: This is bad, man.

Kyle: It's just crack, right?

Eduardo: Well, no…..it's actually a virus.

Kyle: A virus?!

Eduardo: Yea, the _'Cordilla Virus 2'_.

Kyle: …2?

Eduardo: Don't ask.

Kyle: Well, what's so bad about it?

Eduardo: Well, if you come in contact with it, your face swells up and gets all red and splotchy.

Kyle: Uh….they have a 'cream' for that right.

Eduardo: Well, of course.

Kyle: Well, that's good.

Eduardo: You still die though.

Kyle: ….oh……

Meanwhile…

Logan: I need some batteries!

Clerk: Sorry, all out of batteries.

Logan: AAARGH!!!

Announcer: Attention all Wal-Mart Shoppers. We have received word that the deadly 'Cordilla Virus 2' has been released into the air ventilation shafts. Unfortunately, we will be forced to quarantine the premises and initiate lockdown until the virus has been contained. While you have only an hour left to live, be sure to take advantage of all the new sales we have going on. Including _'Dora The Explorer'_ sleeping bags and bedroom sets starting as low as $129.95!

Ima: I'm going to buy them all!!!!

Mandy: Not unless if I get there first!!!

They run past Logan as he throws up his hands in defeats and drops to the floor.

4:20:11, Mandy and Ima are playing 'Supermarket Sweep' / Noah comes to his feet only to pass out again / Bill & Nadia are reenacting a scene from '_Grease'_ / Paris Hilton is on the floor, Kim stands on her congratulating herself on her victory.

Kim: I did it Baxter!

Baxter: What did you do exactly?

Kim: I beat _Paris Hilton in a Twinkie eating contest!_

Baxter: I'm sorry, that doesn't deserve any type of merit.

Kim: I'm still better than Paris Hilton though.

Baxter: Good for you.

Kim (offers): Twinkie?

Baxter: No thanks.

Robber: Are you 2 done?!

Kim: Oh…yea.

Robber: Now, that it's obvious that you are NOT Paris Hilton. I'm going to kill you now.

Kim: What?! But why? I'm so lovable and cute!

Baxter: I'm cuter.

Robber: Who do you think you're trying to fool?

Kim: Uh…..a young _Tom Jones?_

Robber: Really!? You think I look like a young….wait a minute! You're doing it again, aren't you?

Kim: ….yeah, I am.

Robber: That's it! To the freezer! Both of you!

Baxter: Wait, Mr. Robber. I think we can solve your problem.

Robber: My problem is that I'm trying to rob this store. I cannot since for some reason the clerk has not givin me my money yet, and I have girly girl over here pretending to be my almighty queen, Ms. Paris Hilton.

Baxter: This guy might need more help than I thought.

Robber: Okay, _Frasier, _start yappin.

Baxter: Well, you see, I think…..

Kim: Boring!

Baxter: You're not helping!

Kim: Oh right.

Baxter: Mr. Robber, did you have a rough childhood?

Robber: -sniff-, y…y….yes.

Baxter: ….well, that's all I needed to know, thanks.

Kim: THAT'S IT!?

Baxter: _Hello_, I'm a cougar. Not a therapist, give me a break!

Kim: -groan-

Robber: Freezer, now!

Kim and Baxter head off into the freezer.

2:24:10, back at CTU.

Nadia: Okay, the press conference is in a little over an hour, we need to get some our men down there. At blinding speed no less. Morris, get a hold of the commander of the squad force team.

Morris: Got it, dahling.

Nadia: Milo, get me through to the President so he is aware of our plan.

Milo: Can't they just postpone the signing of the 'BFF' treaty?

Nadia: If they postpone it, the President's life will be spared. However in doing so, it will anger Australia and they will DECLARE WAR!!!

Milo: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…

Nadia: Yeah, well. Now Chloe….

Chloe: Yea Nadia?

Nadia: I need you to pick up my dry cleaning.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Nadia: You better hurry, the store closes in 30 seconds. Your job depends on it.

Chloe: But….but…..

Nadia: Hurry Chloe, our country's at stake!

Chloe: Whatever!

She starts to leave before a strange looking man enters the building.

Man: Please sit down, Mrs. O'Brian.

Chloe: I can't. I have to go pick up Nadia's underwear from the cleaners since it's a matter of national security.

Nadia: Uh, who are you?

Man: My name is Reginald Lee Jerkwad. I am from _Division_.

Nadia: Oh, crap.

Bill runs in wearing his bathing suit.

Bill: Hey guys the _Slip & Slide's_ ready…..oh…..

Reginald: Mr. Buchanan. Director Of CTU.

Bill: That's _MR. Buchanan_ to you pal.

Nadia: Bill, he said that.

Bill: I got this under control, Nadia.

Reginald: Mr. Buchanan….

Bill: Please, call me Chloe. I accept responsibility for everything that's gone wrong today.

Chloe: Hey!

Reginald: CTU has turned into a circus!

Milo: Oooh. I love…circuses…..or is it circusi….whatever the plural form of circus is.

Bill: Mr. Jerkwad. I assure you that CTU is in perfect running order.

Reginald: Earlier this morning your security system has been compromised, the building has been bombed, you resumed operations at _an IHOP_, and for some strange reason you, Ms. Yassir, Mr. Pressman, Mr. and Mrs. O'Brian are _the only staff working in the building._ Where is the rest of your staff?

Bill: Hmm….(he turns to the group) Allright gang. We've surveyed 100 people. Where do you think the rest of the CTU staff has gone?

Nadia: Company Picnic!

Morris: Sabbatical!

Milo: They had tickets to go see 'Dr. Phil'!

Chloe: I heard there's a really good sale going on at _Wal-Mart_.

Bill: Ok, the rest of the CTU staff is at 'The Company Picnic'. SHOW ME 'COMPANY PICNIC'!

The Family Feud Board lists 'Company Picnic' as the #1 answer. –ding!-

Milo: Way to go Nadia!

Nadia: YAY!

Bill: Would you guys like to pass or play?

Nadia: We'll play, Alex.

Bill: Okay, name something you first do when you wake up in the morning.

Nadia: Get ready for the company picnic!

Morris: SABBATICAL!

Milo: Kill my next door neighbor _and steal his tickets to go see 'Dr. Phil'._

Chloe: I'm going to the Wal-Mart sale!

Reginald: THAT'S IT!!!

Chloe: I won?

Reginald: No, Mr. Buchanan. We're taking you into custody!

Nadia: What!? You can't do this!

Reginald: Oh but I can. We are called 'Division'. It is our job to '_Divide' people between themselves and getting their work done._

Milo: I always wondered why they were called that.

Nadia: But Bill didn't do anything wrong.

Reginald: CTU is still in shambles. He also hired terrorist Ima Mole and started this whole mess.

Morris: Ima was a mole!?

Chloe slaps Morris in the back of the head.

Reginald: Guards, take him to holding.

Milo: _Not 'Holding'!!_

The Red Guards take Bill to the holding cell.

Reginald: I will be in charge of CTU in the meantime. So now, you all get back to work.

Milo: You…..fiend!

Chloe: Good comeback, Milo.

2:32:29, The Red Guards take Bill to a holding cell / Jack & Michelle are driving according to their directions / Doyle and Tony are stuck in the line at Burger King / Kim and Baxter are turning into icicles.

Jack: Okay, here we are. My evil grandmother's hideout.

Michelle: Uh, Jack. This is a _Pizza Hut_.

Jack: Hmm. So it is.

Jack and Michelle get out of the car and walk into the pizza restaurant.

Susan: Hi welcome to Pizza Hut.

Jack: Scrambled Eggs.

Susan: Follow me sir.

Michelle: WTF?

Susan leads Jack and Michelle to a back room. She pulls a lever which opens up a secret passage. They proceed.

Michelle: Scrambled Eggs?

Jack: It's a password my dad taught me when I was little in case if I needed to get into somewhere important.

Michelle: Whatever.

Jack and Michelle enter the last room. Agatha Bauer sat in a black leather chair holding a Persian cat.

Agatha: Hello, sweetie.

Jack: Hi grandma!

Agatha: Would you like some milk and cookies? They're not poisoned. For your friend however, the poisoned cookies are on the table right next to you.

Jack: Wow, thanks.

Michelle: Jack, focus.

Jack: Oh right. Grandma, are you siding with the terrorists?

Agatha: Siding with the terrorists?! Oh, of course not dear.

Jack: That was easy.

Michelle: -groan-

Agatha: I _am_ the terrorist.

Jack: EEEK!

Michelle: Don't be so surprised, Jack.

Jack: But grandma, why? WHY!?

Agatha: Listen, I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you don't mind. I have…._a president to assassinate._

Jack: Which one?

Michelle slaps him upside the head.

Michelle: The one who's supposed to get killed at 4:00 today.

Jack: ACK! Grandma, stop this nonsense.

Agatha: Nonsense? Mwa ha ha. You'll see.

She runs out a side door.

Jack: Hey, wait!

Jack and Michelle bolt out the side door and sprint down a run down back alley. They caught up to the end right as Agatha was putting on a jet pack.

Michelle: A jet pack!?

Agatha: So long, Jackie dear. Come by for milk and cookies sometime after I've taken over the world!

Jack: Okay, bye Grandma!

Michelle slaps him.

Jack: OH! I mean….._you won't get away with this!_...

Michelle: We're running out of time Jack.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Chloe, Morris, and Milo take a drink of beer.

Michelle: We need to get to The Press Conference in Washington D.C.

Jack: But how are we going to get there in time?

Michelle: Hmm…….

2:37:21, Doyle and Tony are driving.

Doyle: I'm glad we finally got out of Burger King. Wait….where's our food?

Tony: ….food?

Doyle: We waited in line for an eternity and you managed to leave _without_ the food?!

Tony: I thought that was your job!

Doyle: You're the one driving!

Tony: Oh, well. We need to eat, let's stop here.

Tony pulls into the parking lot of a convenience store. Tony & Doyle get out and walk up to the entrance.

Tony: The door's locked.

The robber inside the store notices Tony and Doyle.

Robber: Crap. Those must be the police. Okay Clerk, do you business.

Clerk (to Tony & Doyle): Go away! Go away! Everything seems to be fine here.

Doyle: The doors are locked, you're talking funny, and we _can obviously see the man holding the gun in front of you._

Robber: Crap.

Doyle: Let us in.

The robber opens the door. Tony and Doyle step in shortly before the Robber aims his gun at them.

Doyle: Okay, that was a dumb move.

Robber: You can join the others in the freezer.

The robber turns back to the clerk.

Robber: Now _give me all your dough_.

The Pillsbury Doughboy: _With Pleasure!_

The Doughboy tears off a piece of his arm and throws it at the robber.

Doughboy: _Something's in the oven, tee hee!_

The robber shoots the Pillsbury Doughboy in the face. –BOOM!-

Tony: Hey, they used my joke! How awesome!

Doyle: Just keep moving.

Tony & Doyle enter the freezer.

Doyle: Kimberly?

Kim: Tony!

Tony: Hey Kim, you're captured too!?

Kim: Yea.

Doyle: Who is your cougar friend?

Baxter: _'Baxter J. Cougar'_, at your service.

Tony faints.

Doyle: So it can talk….huh?

Kim: Yup!

Doyle: How long have you two been in here?

Kim: Since the end of last week's episode.

Doyle: Okay, well we're in a hurry. We have to get to Washington D.C. and stop the presidential assassination.

Kim: Okay, have you heard from my dad?

Doyle: Yes, apparently your grandmother is involved with the terrorist plans…

Kim: Now my grandmother's a terrorist!? Great…

Tony wakes up.

Baxter: You okay, man?

Tony: AHHH! A talking cougar?!

Tony faints again.

2:41:01, Doyle peeks out of the freezer door / Jack and Michelle are eating some pizza / Noah collapses again / Logan sits in the middle of Wal-Mart, customers are running around in panic, Mandy and Ima rush by with overflowing shopping carts.

Joint Chief Sue: Okay, we are activating the '25th Amendment.

Tom: Whoopty doo….(rolls eyes, twirling is finger in the air).

Sue: Okay, Joint Chiefs, if you want Noah Daniels to be removed from office, put your votes in now.

The final jeopardy music plays.

Karen: Where the hell is that music coming from?!

Sue: Okay, your votes.

All the joint chiefs voted yes.

Sue: There you have it.

Tom: Crap.

Sue: Okay, so I guess it's down to you two.

Tom: WHAT?! Us two? You don't mean….

Sue: Yes, you two must compete to see _who will be the next President of the United States._

Tom: Oh good grief….

Karen: If I become President, I will buy everyone a puppy, so we can all live in peace and harmony. I will also declare war on _Rainbowland_, because Rainbow Brite needs to be destroyed.

Tom: What the hell is wrong with this country?!

2:43:01, Logan walks up to the Manager of Wal-Mart.

Logan: Can't you let us go? We've been here for almost an hour and that stupid _'Cordilla Virus 2'_ hasn't killed anyone yet.

Manager: It takes a while for the effects to kick in. OH NO!!!

Logan and the Wal-Mart manager look over to see a woman swell up. She's swelling to an immense size…..and turning blue.

Logan: Ima!? What the hell did you do?

Mandy: She's huge!

Manager: _Violet, You're turning Violet, Violet!_

Ima: I ate some gum that was a 4 course meal, when I got to the blueberry pie……

The Manager blows a whistle. The Oompa Loompa's come out.

Manager: Send her down to be juiced!

Oompa Loompa's (singing): _Oompa Loompa, doopity doo, I have a stupid song for you_……

Manager: You're not contracted to sing! Just move her!

Oompa Loompa Bob: Geez, rude!

Logan puts his face in his hands in disbelief.

2:45:33 at CTU.

Bill Buchanan is in holding cell number 4.

Morris: Dahling, I can't believe that _Jerkwad_ would put you behind bars. You did nothing wrong.

Bill: It's okay. Nadia, I know you can take over where I left off with no problems.

Nadia: Thanks for the vote of confidence, but Reginald has taken over….and that is a problem.

Milo: I got it!

Chloe: Milo, is this going to be a stupid idea?

Milo: No dummy. We can bust Bill out! And move to another CTU, and start a new life.

Bill: I can dig that.

Nadia: No, all we have to do is convince Reginald that you're innocent.

Morris: ….

Milo: …..

Bill (eating): This turkey's delicious…

Morris: ….let's bust him out.

Milo: I'll get my tool kit.

Nadia: Ugh.

Bill: Now Nadia, you have to go to the Security Control room and disable the cameras.

Nadia: I guess I can do that.

Bill: And Chloe, you need to 'distract' Reginald.

Chloe: I'm already not liking this.

Bill: Hurry Chloe!

Chloe walks back into the main hall at 2:47:11 / Jack and Michelle are waiting at the Pizza Hut buffet line

Jack: That punk just took the last 'pepperoni'.

Michelle: Why don't you go torture him, since that's your solution to _everything_.

Jack: I like the way you think, Michelle.

Jack runs toward the kid.

Michelle: JACK!

-CRASH-

Michelle (to woman behind her): I'm not with him….

Back at CTU.

Chloe walks up the stairs to the Glass Cubicle Office Director Of CTU Room. She enters.

Reginald: What is it, O'Brian?

Chloe: So……how are you doing?

Reginald: Is this a ruse to distract me while you break Bill Buchanan out of prison.

Chloe: How do you know that!?...You must be……A WITCH!!!!!

Nothing happens.

Chloe: Well, that sucks…..

Reginald: Get back to work, O'Brian.

Chloe: Wait!...Why can't….we _talk a little bit_….you know…..about….._procedures?_ (She rips a part of her skirt)

Reginald: Are you trying to seduce me, O'Brian?

She nods, while cringing.

Reginald: Then…._I accept!_

He shoves everything off his desk.

Reginald: Come and get it!

Chloe: ……._brrrph!_ (She clasps her hand over her mouth).

Reginald: Did you just vomit?

Chloe shakes her head 'no', then runs out of the room.

Back at Pizza Hut.

Michelle: Now that we've been banned from Pizza Hut….JACK!

Jack: What?

Michelle: Okay, we need to get to D.C and fast, but how will we get there in time?

Jack: Look!

Jack and Michelle run up to the _DeLorean._

Marty McFly: Hey, that's our car.

Jack: Federal Agent! It's a matter of national security!

McFly: You'll pay for this!

Jack punches McFly. Him and Michelle hop into the Delorean and zooms off…..into the air.

Jack: Uh….is this car flying?

Michelle: What the hell did you do, Jack?

McFly: Doc! That man stole our time machine!

Dr. Emmet Brown: _GREAT SCOTT!!!_

McFly: ….that's it?...That's all you have to say?

Jack: I wonder what this button does.

Michelle: Jack, don't push random buttons!

The car zooms off –KABOOM!-

The car appears in front of Jack's apartment.

Jack: Hey, we're at my apartment. That's good, because I forgot my Ipod when I left.

Michelle looks at the time….7:01am….

Michelle: Uh oh!...JACK!!

Jack runs up the stairs to his apartment. Michelle gets out and runs after him.

Jack walks into his room and picks up his Ipod…..

Jack: There's someone in my bed…

Jack wakes up to the sound of the annoying ring tone on his phone.

Jack (on the phone): Hello?

Jack: ACK!

Jack looks at Jack.

Jack: WHAT THE?!

Michelle runs in.

Jack: AAAAHHH!!

Jack: Oh my god!

Michelle: Jack, I can explain!

Jack: Which Jack are you talking to?

Michelle: The one in bed.

Jack gets up out of bed and runs out of his apartment screaming.

Michelle: Good going, Jack.

Jack: What did I do?

Michelle: We went back into the past!

Jack: So?

Michelle: We're in the point of time where 'you' woke up this morning.

Jack: Oh….uh oh.

Michelle: And if you run into your past self…it can destroy the space time continuum or whatever.

Meanwhile, Jack runs outside and get ran over. –SQUISH-

Michelle: AACK!

Jack: Don't worry, I'm still here.

Michelle: Jack, if Jack dies, you don't live anymore.

Jack: Hmm….Michelle. Let's go….BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!

Michelle: No, we go back..to the past….30 seconds ago.

Jack and Michelle run back to the DeLorean. –ZOOM-

The car lands in front of Jack's house.

Jack: Oh! We're at my apartment, which is good since I forgot my Ipod when I left.

Jack gets out, Michelle notices the time 7:01am.

Michelle: Uh oh….JACK!!!

She chases after him.

Jack runs in his bedroom. Jack wakes up to the annoying ring tone on his cell phone.

Jack (in bed): ACK!

Jack: BURGLAR IN MY BED!!!

Jack shoots Past Jack.

Michelle: JACK! Dammit, you weren't supposed to kill yourself!

Jack: Oh…whoops.

Michelle: Ugh, come on.

Jack and Michelle run back to the DeLorean. –ZOOM-

The car lands in front of Jack's house.

Jack: Oh! We're at my apartment, which is good since….

Michelle: No one cares about your stupid Ipod, now just go BACK TO THE FUTURE…and don't kill anything.

Jack: Right.

Jack drives 3 feet, running over a skunk. –SQUISH-

Michelle: What was that?

Jack: Nothing.

Michelle: It smells awful in here! Did you run over a skunk?

Jack: No_. It's called a shower, Michelle._ Try it sometime.

Michelle: GRR….

The car zooms off.

2:51:01, at CTU.

Milo successfully disables the door to the holding cell.

Morris: Allright, dahling! Let's roll!

They run off and catch up with Nadia.

Morris: Okay, there's a car out back.

Guard: Stop them!

The guards open fire.

Milo: RUN!

They run off down the hall. Milo stops.

Milo: Hey, in here!

Bill, Morris, Nadia, and Milo hide into a room.

Nadia: What are we going to do here?

Milo pushes a button, the doors become sealed.

Milo: There!

Nadia: Milo, those are only supposed to be used if CTU's air ventilation system gets '_Nerve Gas'_ released into it.

Meanwhile, in the main hall.

Reginald: I LOVE YOU!

Chloe: Get away, you're gross.

Reginald: Come to me, my love queen!

Chloe: I think I'm going to be sick.

The DeLorean crashes through the wall.

Reginald: What the…?

Jack: Chloe, get in!

Chloe: Jack, I'm actually happy to see you!

Chloe climbs into the car.

Jack: And we're off!

The car blasts out of the building. An alarm sounds.

Nadia: What's happening?

27 sets of sprinklers start to go off in the sealed room.

Nadia: ACK!

Morris: Must be a fire somewhere…..

Nadia: Why are there so many sprinklers in here!?

The water level is starting to rise off the ground.

Bill: Thank God I'm not a witch….

Nadia: The room! Milo, we need to get out of here!

Milo: Well, for security reasons, it's a time lock device which will deactivate in 45 minutes.

Nadia: Milo, we'll drown before then!

Milo: The only way we can get out before then, there's a manual emergency unlock….on the outside.

Nadia: That doesn't make any sense! So those guards could have just came in at any time?

Milo: Well……yea. But don't you want them to come in _now?_

Nadia: Ugh…..

The water level rises up to everyone's knees.

The screen shrinks down at 2:54:02, Nadia and the others wade through the water trying to find a way out. / Jack, Michelle, and Chloe zapped themselves into the 50's, crashing onto the set of 'American Bandstand' / Noah regains consciousness again / Doyle, Kim, Tony, and Baxter sneak out of the freezer / Logan, Mandy, and Ima finally get released from Wal-Mart / The Doctors put a tarp over Audrey so she won't get wet from the water sprinklers.

Logan: There's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Ima: Yea, but we got some cool stuff.

Logan: And it was '_Flour_', that's it. It wasn't the 'Cordilla Virus 2'…what a stupid name…..I'm mad now……

At the White House.

Joint Chief Bob: Okay, Noah, we are reinstating you as president.

Noah: Oh…thanks.

Bob: Karen won the competition…..and started going ballistic.

Noah: Well that was your first mistake.

At the convenience store.

Kim: So…Mr. Burglar…

Robber: Hey, why are you out of the freezer! Get back in there. And you, clerk, _you still haven't given me my money yet_.

The police show up on the outside.

Robber: Ah crap, that's it I'm taking a hostage.

He grabs Kim.

Kim: EEK!

Doyle runs out and tackles the robber. They roll around, Doyle trying to take his gun. A shot rings out.

Kim: ACK!

Tony: …

Baxter: …..

Doyle slumps to the side….

Tony: Oh no!

Tony rushes to the Robber's side.

Tony: Are you okay?

Kim: Tony, Doyle was shot, not him!

Tony: Oh…nevermind.

Tony is about to get up when the clerk points a gun at him.

Clerk: Get back down to the ground.

Tony: Ruh roh….

Kim: You shot him!?

Clerk: Yea, and you all are next. (He cocks the gun)

Kim: This is really bad.

The DeLorean drives by the convenience store.

Chloe: Jack, I asked you to stop at that store, I have to use the restroom!

Jack: Nah, too many cops there, probably a robbery or something. Hmm, I wonder where Kim is?

Michelle: Jack, I know you ran over that skunk when we went back in time. That and you mowed down almost all of the dancers at 'American Bandstand', you really need to go back and fix this or the future will be altered in ways you can't imagine. 

Jack: Oh, I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen…

The doors of CTU fling open…..Nina Myers walks in with an evil grin on her face.

2:59:57

2:59:58

2:59:59

3:00:00

NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW 24….

-SWOOSH-

Chloe is trying to make Jack fall into the Dunk Tank, at the carnival.

Jack: You throw like a girl!

Chloe: Shut up, Jack!

Chloe throws the ball and misses

Jack: HA HA HA HA!!

Chloe pulls out a gun and shoots the target, Jack falls into the water.

Jack: ACK! There's sharks in here! AAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!! –CRUNCH- -MUNCH-

-AND-

Karen is wondering around in 'The Hundred Acre Wood'.

Karen: Excuse me, Mr. Owl. _How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?_

Owl: I'm sorry, friend. I don't know what that is?

Karen: WHAT!? You're supposed to be full of knowledge you stupid bird!

Winnie The Pooh: Karen, it's not nice to call other people names.

Karen: You're right…..WHAT IS THAT!?!?! (She points at Piglet)

Pooh: That's my friend, Piglet.

Karen: It's hideous!!

Pooh: Karen, that's not nice.

Piglet: P…p….p.pp..p.p…p..pp…..pp.ppp

Karen: It's stuttering a lot too! Get it away from me!

Pooh: That's it! (He pulls out a shotgun). If you're going to be hateful, then I'm afraid it's going to have to come…to this.

Karen: I really need to stop getting myself into these situations.

-AND-

Audrey…..or…..-sigh……_Audrora_….is the Sleeping Beauty…..crap, not this again……

Nadia (Flora, the Red Fairy): What is with the Disney gags?

Michelle (Fauna, the Green Fairy): Yea, can't they actually have scenes from next week's episode in these things?

Morris (Merryweather, The Blue Fairy): Seriously, Dahling…..

Nadia: Anyway, it's Audrora's Birthday Party, and we need to pick out a color for her dress. I say it should be Pink!

Nadia zaps the dress, the dress is now Pink.

Michelle: What!? It look's like crap! It needs to be Blue!

Michelle zaps the dress blue.

Nadia: PINK! –ZAP!-

Michelle: BLUE! –ZAP!-

Nadia: PINK DAMMIT! –ZAP!-

Michelle: BLUE! –ZAP!-

Morris: Neon Orange, Dahling! –ZAP!-

The Fairies keep zapping the dress, it explodes –KABOOM!-

Morris: Uh oh, we used our magic, I hope Maleficent doesn't show up.

Someone knocks at the door.

Nadia (opening the door): Yeeeees?

Maleficent (dressed up as a UPS delivery driver): Package for Princess Audrora.

Nadia: Okay!

Audrora walks in.

Audrora: Oooh! I got a present.

Nadia: Open it!

Audrora opens the present.

Audrora: It's a Spinning Wheel, oooh pointy! (She pricks her finger then falls to the floor). –CLUNK!-

Nadia: Princess Audrora!

Morris discreetly zaps what's left of the destroyed dress Neon Orange. –ZAP!-

AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24….NEXT WEEK.

Chloe: Beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep………can I stop 'beeping' now?

Fred: No….

Chloe: Crap…….beep…..beep……..beep………….


	9. 3:00pm 'Repercussions'

The 24 Parody Project: Episode 9

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Fred walks into the writer's room. He sees Paul and Sam at the table with some important looking person.

Fred: Uh, who is this?

Woman: Fred, my name is Lunhilda Wrangelberg from famed television station 'PBS'.

Fred: I'm already not liking where this is headed.

Paul: They have '_Teletubbies_'!

Lunhilda: Well, Fred. Because you guys are losing viewers because of the asinine storyline you geniuses have came up with this season. FOX has dropped you.

Fred: GASP OF SHOCK!

Lunhilda: Fortunately, 'We' will pick up the show; it's just that you will have to make some changes.

Fred: WHAT?! We can't do that! The show will have to be edited down to like…10 minutes!

Lunhilda: Well, it's in your contract now, so do it or you all are out of jobs!...or you'll be killed. Whichever is more amusing.

Lunhilda walks out of the room.

Fred: This is ridiculous! FOX can't just drop the show like this. And we're being taken over by _PBS?!_ This is going to be a disaster….

PREVIOUSLY ON 24:

Jack: I am Jack Bauer! I am here to save the day!

Bill: I am Bill Buchanan, head of the Los Angeles CTU….the '_Candy Time Unit'_…..-sigh-

-SWOOSH-

Big Bird: I'm Big Bird!

Elmo: I'm Elmo!

Chloe O'Brian pops out of a trash can.

Chloe: I'm _Chloe The Grouch_, I'm grumpy!….._God this is so humiliating_!

-SWOOSH-

Barney The Dinosaur (singing): _I love you_….._You love me_……

Nadia: Wow! That is such a sweet song. (Rolls eyes)

Tony: I think I just threw up in my mouth!

Michelle: Tony, that's gross!

-SWOOSH-

Jack: You will give me the information I need to know, or I will…._tickle you!_

Jack starts tickling the Terrorist.

Terrorist: HA HA HA HA!! OH….STOP!...HEE HEE!!

-Click-

Paul: I think it was good.

Sam: Yeah. What did you think, Fred?

Fred sits there in shock, jaw dropped, speechless. His head explodes. –KA BOOM!-

Beep….beep….beep….beep…..beepbepbpebpebpebpebpebpebpe……24!!!!!

PREVIOUSLY ON 24:

-AND….SWOOSH-

Meanwhile, In the _Smurf Village_…which is almost destroyed when Gargamel ran over it with his Tricycle.

Papa Smurf Buchanan: _The horror! The horror!_

Milo Smurf: Hey, leave 'Smurfette' out of this!

Papa Smurf Buchanan: I didn't say 'that'. I said…….oh forget it.

Smurfette Raines: Jack! We have to stop the Terrorists! Before they destroy our beautiful village with the gaudy looking mushroom houses.

Jack: You're right, Smurfette! Because that _Smurfin_ Gargamel won't stop at smurfin nothing to destroy our smurfin village, that stupid piece of smurf!

Smurfette Raines: So many swears……

Jack: So anyway Smurfette, shall we 'Smurf' now, or 'Smurf' later?

Smurfette slaps Jack. He goes flying (JACK BAUER)

-I FEEL A LAWSUIT COMING ON, ANYWAY, SWOOSH-

Bill and Karen are enjoying a night out alone.

Karen: Oh Bill, this was a great idea to go out. No one would think we were married since we've hardly talked to each other all season.

Bill: I know. Hey, let's eat here.

Bill and Karen sit at a table in the back alley behind an Italian Restaurant.

Tony comes out with a plate of spaghetti.

Tony: Here you go, you two, on the house. At 'Almeida's Italian Bistro'.

Bill: Tony, since when did you own an Italian Restaurant?

Tony: Just eat your food.

Bill and Karen dive face first into the pasta. Bill bumps a meatball over to Karen with his nose.

Karen: Aw, how sweet. I'm not going to put that in my mouth since you just touched that with your nose, but sweet nonetheless.

Bill and Karen start to eat some pasta when they end up eating the same noodle.

Bill (Noodle in mouth): Oh, oops, we appear to be eating the same noodle.

Karen (Same noodle): Yeah……you can let go now.

Bill: Get real, this is my noodle!

Karen: I'm the lady, it's polite to let me have the noodle!

Bill: What a load of _BullShrek!_ I got this noodle first!

Karen: Bill!

Bill: Karen!

Karen: ……..let go of the noodle.

Bill: I gave you a meatball, what more do you want, selfish?

Karen: You touched it with your nose, why didn't you just use a fork!

Bill: In that case…._why aren't we using forks anyway?_

Karen and Bill: TONY!

Tony comes back out: WHAT?

Karen: Can we get some silverware?

Tony: God, do I look like I work here!? (He storms off)

Bill: …….Well, _he's not getting a tip_.

Karen: I agree.

Bill: …..

Karen: …..

Bill: ……

Karen: ……let go of the noodle Bill.

Bill: No.

Karen: GRR! (A LITTLE BIT OF THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT AND WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

-SWOOSH-

Cindy: So Kim, are you going to the school dance this Saturday?

Kim: AS IF!

Cindy: So you're not.

Kim: Oh wait…..yeah, I'll be there.

Cindy: Who's going with you?

Kim: That hot guy over there!

Morris walks up to Kim and Cindy.

Morris: Hello, loves!

Cindy: Uh….do you even go to this school?

Morris: Uh…..yea….?

Kim: He's a little older than me, but we're a perfect couple.

Morris: We better hurry this up dahling, before the wife catches me.

Chloe steps out of a locker

Chloe: MORRIS! I knew you've been cheatin on me. I can't believe you would do this especially when we just had our daughter, 'Chloris'.

Kim: You named your daughter _'Chloris O'Brian'?!_

Chloe chases Morris around with a rolling pin.

Kim: And people wonder why I was gone after season 3. (KIM BAUER)

Jedi Master Yoda: Between 3:00pm and 4:00pm the following takes place…….

Jack: Damn you and your backwards sentences!

At the convenience store.

Doyle: Hi friends!

Doyle was shot in the last episode.

Doyle: urk! (Falls to the floor).

Kim: Doyle!

Clerk: We already went through this. Now I point the gun at girl.

Kim: Kim is shocked!

Robber: Yea, my gun just so happens to be missing.

Clerk: Now I'm trying to rob this store, and I can't do it with you all wasting my time.

Baxter: Wow, both of you were trying to rob the store, just not together, how odd.

Tony: You'll pay for this, thieves! (Stuffs a _Hostess Cupcake _in his pocket).

Clerk: To the freezer, all of you!

Tony: Crap, the freezer again?! It's cold in the freezer.

Baxter: Excellent input there, _Bill Nye._

Tony: Quiet you!

The Clerk escorts Kim, Baxter, Tony, and The robber to the freezer shortly before the S.W.A.T team busts into the building.

-CRASH-

Kim: YAY!

Captain Crunch: Okay men! Arrest that crook!

The men grab the clerk and drag him out of the building.

Crunch: And arrest that robber over there since he looks like he was just about to rob the place himself.

Robber: Crap.

Doyle: Medic…..please…..

Crunch: Are you okay, pal?

Doyle: Been shot, lots of blood, white light. You get the picture.

Crunch: Not you, _him! _(Pointing to Baxter)

Baxter: Oh _this?_ Well I burnt my paw trying to cook a meal for someone a few hours ago…._.someone_ _who shall not be named_…..-coughKIMBAUERcough-

Kim: Hey!

Crunch: Wow, there is a lot of cool stuff here….in fact _I might even rob the place._

Captain Crunch pulls out his gun.

Crunch: Okay everyone to the freezer (starts stuffing crap into his jacket).

Kim: DAMMIT!

3:04:11, The part of Nina Myers will be played by Special Guest Star _Bea Arthur_, Yeesh…

Bea Arthur walks in with a giant name tag that reads 'Hello, My Name Is Nina Myers' on it. She pokes around the destruction of CTU when Jack crashed the _DeLorean_ through it in last week's episode.

Bea Arthur: I'm Nina Myers, I'm up to no good as usual.

Bea Arthur snoops around the wreckage, then starts to make her way upstairs when she hears screaming.

Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris are trapped in a sealed glass office when many fire sprinklers go off in unison due to Jack's collision with Marty McFly's Delorean through the halls of CTU in last week's episode, thus flooding the room with water. Yes, it's a lot more stupider than it sounds.

Nadia is floating on a giant Grandfather clock, wherever the hell _that_ came from. Milo is propped on the edge of the clock, submerged in the freezing water.

Milo: Nadia, it's a shame _The Titanic_ sunk, you'll be safe on here.

Nadia: What the hell are you talking about?

Milo: We might die in here, well I might anyway.

Nadia: How many times do I have to tell you, _you're already dead!?_

Milo: No Nadia, don't let me up on the clock, you must live! And have children and not marry _Billy Zane _and whatnot.

Nadia: I wasn't going to!

Milo: Oh…..my time has come.

Nadia: _I'll never let go, Milo! I'll never let go!_

Milo: Oh Nadia, that's sweet.

Nadia: I said '_You better let go, Milo'_. You're fat butt is dragging me into the water. God, I wish someone will save us already.

Bill and Morris are wading in the water in the corner.

Bill: So I go to McDonalds, and I'm in the drive thru. I get up to the speaker and ask, "Can you break a $50 bill". The order taker responds, "A Sausage Biscuit? Anything else?". And I'm all like, "No, I asked if you can break a $50." Then she says, "Would you like _cheese_ on that biscuit". And again I say, "_NO BITCH_! Can you break my friggin $50 bill?!". Then she says, "Okay I have an _Orange Juice_, and a Sausage Biscuit, drive forward please." Then I just had my men blow up the building. I was really mad.

Morris: _Oh, I've been there, dahling_.

Reginald Jerkwad strolls by.

Reginald: Oh, when did we get an aquarium? 

Nadia: Reginald, we need you to let us free.

Reginald: Well, you wouldn't be in this predicament if you didn't try to break out someone from holding. Which is punishable by _death_!

Nadia: No it's not! You're just….insane!

Reginald: Well then, in that case, you can just keep on swimming, bye! Mwa ha ha ha!

Nadia (grumbles): stupid cheese ball and his evil fake laugh……

Reginald walks around the corner when Bea Arthur whaps him upside the head with a computer monitor.

-KWAP!-

Reginald: Urk……(slumps to the floor)

Bea rushes over and releases the emergency lock, the door opens as a rush of water pours into the hallway.

Nadia: Oh thank….who the hell are you?

Bea Arthur: I'm Nina Myers!

Morris: Uh, dahling? You don't look like Nina Myers…

Bea Arthur: Well, she was scheduled to do this episode but changed her mind to guest star on '_How I Met Your Mother'_.

Milo: I love that show!

Bea Arthur: And since she was already introduced in last week's cliffhanger….they couldn't just make her disappear.

Nadia: Well, thanks anyway for saving our butts.

Bea Arthur (drawing her gun): _Who said I was saving you?_

Nadia: Oh poo……

Bea Arthur motions her gun to the exit.

Nadia: I could've called in sick….but _noooo_….

3:09:31, The White House. 

Noah: Ah, it's good to be president again.

Tom: Congratulations.

Karen: Whoopy!

Noah: Now that I have my speech ready and everything should be in order, we need to get everyone together so we can head out to the park for the press conference. Oh, Tom, did you get my pills?

Tom: Yup. This new 'Anti-Blackout' medicine should keep you in top shape for the conference. However there are a few side effects…

Noah: I'm sure it's nothing serious.

Tom reads the back of the bottle.

Tom: Side Effects Include- Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Confusion, Depression, Memory Disturbance, Nervousness, Decrease in Libido, Upper Respiratory Infection, Decrease in Appetite, Abdominal Pain, Fatigue, Blindness, Leprosy, Urinary Tract Infection, Impotence, Muscle and Joint Pain, Syphilis, Baldness, Skin Rash, Dry Mouth, Shortness of Breath, Rectal Discharge…._and death!_

Noah: _WHAT THE HELL KINDA PILLS ARE THOSE?!_

Tom: Mr. President, they're supposed to help you. Now take 2 every 4 hours.

Noah: -groan-

Karen: Mr. President, I don't think you should go to this conference.

Noah: Karen, I have to sign this treaty or Australia will be very mad at us.

Karen: Mr. President……I got a call from _David Palmer._

Noah: Uh….he's kinda dead, Karen.

Karen: It was before he was shot. He called me and told me something that is a matter of national security!

Noah: I'm sure you're just nuts. Guards!

The Secret Service approach Karen.

Karen: Wha….What are you doing?

Noah: Karen, you're too unstable to join me at the press conference. Now just stay here until I get back.

Karen: BUT!!!...

Noah and Tom leave the room.

Karen: Don't touch me, for I will change into '_Wonder Woman!_'

WONDER WOMAN!!!!!

Karen starts to spin around before she loses her balance.

Karen: oooh….oh my head…..uh….uh oh….

Karen falls to the floor. –CLUMP-

3:13:05, The Secret Service are dragging Karen face down through the hall / Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris are playing _'UNO'_ while being held hostage by Nina Myers played by special guest star Bea Arthur / Tony, Kim, and Baxter are riding back seat in an ambulance taking Doyle to the emergency room / Captain Crunch is arrested for trying to rob the store / The DeLorean zooms by.

Milo: Oooh, Nadia. Sucks to be you. (He lays down a Uno card). _Draw Forty!_

Nadia: _Draw forty!?_ What the hell kinda cards are these?

Morris: House rules, dahling.

Nadia (throws her cards): Screw this game….

Bill lays his cards down.

Bill: Gin!

Bea Arthur: Will you all be quiet!?

Bill: Yeesh….

Meanwhile, in the DeLorean.

Jack (singing): _Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long_….

Chloe: Jack, you're singing sucks, can you stop now?

Jack: What?! I sing beautifully.

Michelle: _Simon Cowell _didn't think so.

Jack: -gasp-!, you saw my _American Idol _audition?

Michelle: Yeah, I TiVo'd it, I had a good laugh.

Chloe: Me too.

Jack: I hate you both.

Michelle: Jack, it looks like you're getting a message.

Jack: _On Screen, _Number 1!

Michelle: This isn't the _U.S.S Enterprise, you moron!_ It's an audio message.

Jack: That will suffice I guess.

Speaker: Hello Jack, this is Nina Myers!

Jack: JACK BAUER GASP OF SHOCK!

Michelle: Nina, why are you alive? ..As if I have room to ask that, and better yet, why do you sound like _Bea Arthur?_...

Bea Arthur: Jack: I have your friends with me, if you don't turn around now I will kill them!

Chloe: Jack, Nina must be working with the Terrorists to assassinate the President!

Jack: Good job, Chloe. Michelle, give her a cookie.

Michelle stuffs a chocolate chip cookie in Chloe's mouth, she chokes on it.

Chloe: Cough! Hack! Wheeze!

Jack: Who are you working for?

Bea Arthur: Now why would I tell you that? Turn the car around now Jack.

Jack: Wait….who do you have held hostage?

Bea Arthur: The rest of CTU, Bill, Nadia, Milo, and Morris.

Jack: _I thought you said you had my friends_!?

Nadia: What a jerk!

Bill: All in favor of Jack getting demoted to 'Toilet Cleaner' say I.

All: I!

Bea Arthur: Turn around now, or I start killing them.

Jack: Uh……uh…….

Jack notices a package of '_Twix', _he quickly opens the wrapper and stuffs both bars in his mouth.

Jack: mmm…rrhrp….pprm….mrrrphrrrwwffr…..

Bea Arthur: Jack, quit stalling for time!

Jack (swallowing the Twix): Damn, thought that would work.

Michelle: I'd turn around Jack.

Jack: WHAT!? And give in to that saucy Nina's demands? NEVER!

Michelle: We can find another way, before the press conference.

Jack: Grr….fine.

Jack does a U-Turn in the middle of the road.

Bea Arthur: Ha ha ha! Very good, Jack. That is all –click-

Jack: There must be a way to stop her.

Jack presses some buttons.

Jack: Go DeLorean!

The car does nothing.

Jack: Crap, it broke.

Michelle: Well, just as long as we find a solution within the next 45 minutes…JACK!

Jack runs the car into the side of a house through a living room. –CRASH-

Chloe: God, Jack, you almost got us killed!

Jack: Oh right, blame the driver.

Jack and the others get out of the car.

Steve Urkel (confronting Jack): Hi everyone! I see you had an accident!

Chloe: Oh crap…..(smacks her forehead).

Steve Urkel: It's a good thing you guys didn't plow through the house 5 minutes ago, or you would have hit my '_Time Machine_'….

Michelle: Time Machine?

Jack: Man, I'm hungry. (Pulls out some cheese).

Urkel: _Is that cheeeeeese? _

Jack: Uh….yeah.

Urkel: Can I have some? I'll let you use my Time Machine.

Jack: _Get your own, freeloader!_

Michelle: Jack, give him the stupid cheese.

Jack: But it's my cheese!

Chloe slaps Jack's hand, the cheese falls to the floor.

Jack: Aw…..

Michelle: Okay, gotta run.

Urkel: Thanks! Just set it to the time you want.

Jack, Michelle, and Chloe step into the time machine.

Michelle: Set it to 7:00 this morning.

Jack: Why?

Michelle: Jack, when we accidentally went back the first time, you ran over that skunk which has to be the reason why Nina is now back from the dead, and since she has us in a bind and we don't have time to play her games since we are about to get blown to smithereens by the Kat-9 bomb Logan is about to give to the President, you have to fix this!

Chloe sets the time machine to 7:00am. They zap out of there. –KAZAP-

3:18:23, Ima is pulling Mandy and Logan in a rickshaw.

Ima: Can we switch now?

Logan: No, we can't stop now or we'll be late to the press conference!

Ima: Ugh….I can't believe we ran out of gas…

Logan: Yes, how unfortunate…

Mandy: Look!

They come across an air force base.

Ima: Yay…

Logan: Now how do you suppose we hijack a fighter jet?

Mandy: We'll have to be creative, I'm going.

Mandy gets off the rickshaw and starts heading toward the base. Logan and Ima follow her.

Mandy: No guards…strange.

Mandy walks past one of the hangars and notices one of the jets. Looking around, she heads up a ladder and hops into the cockpit.

Logan: Mandy, my dear, do you know what you're doing?

Mandy: Yup, he actually left the keys in here.

Logan: Uh…..I'm not going to ask.

Logan and Ima climb on board.

Ima: It's kinda….crowded in here.

Mandy: And…..we're off.

The jet slowly starts to pick up speed as it zooms down the runway, finally taking off into the air.

Mandy: We're flying! We'll make it there in no……uh…..

WARNING! OUT OF FUEL!

Mandy: Well……that isn't good.

Logan: You didn't check for fuel first?

Mandy: I got caught up in the moment.

Logan: Now we're going to crash, good going.

The jet stalls in the air and plummets toward the ground.

-CRASH-

3:22:12, the ambulance arrives at the hospital. The paramedics wheel out Doyle and into the emergency room. Tony, Kim, and Baxter follow and wait….in the waiting room.

Kim: Well, at least we can relax.

Tony: To the cafeteria!

Tony and Baxter head off. Kim walks over to a pay phone. She puts in some money and dials a number.

Jack (voice recording): You reached Jack Bauer's voice mail, if you would like to leave a message, please press 1. If you would like to hang up, please press 2.

Kim presses '1'.

Jack: If you would like to leave a long message, press 1. If you want to keep it short and sweet, press 2.

Kim presses '2'.

Jack: If you are hurt, press 1. If you are dead, press 2. If you just want to talk about the 'birds and the bees', press 9.

Kim: Ugh, that's not what I want.

She presses '0'.

Jack: …..You've reached my voicemail... if this is Kim and you are in trouble press 1….3….5…4….3….3…..1….0…Star……Pound….1….Pound….Star…0….1….1…7

Kim: ……good lord…..uh….(Presses 'Star'……then '1')

Recording: ….._Good Morning, Mr. Phelps…your mission, should you choose to accept it….._

Kim: Crap, what did I do now?! (Starts randomly pressing buttons)

Recording: That is your mission, this phone will self destruct…._right now_.

Kim: Eeeep!

-KABOOM!-

In the cafeteria.

Tony: Man, I'm starving.

Baxter: Ditto.

They scoot through the hospital buffet.

Tony: All they have is Jello….

Baxter: And _grits_...ew…

Tony: eeeeh….I wonder if we have to get hurt in order to get the real food.

Baxter: Would you like for me to maul you?

Tony: Yes, please. Would you mind?

Baxter: Not at all.

Baxter bites Tony's hand.

Tony: OW! _That hurt, stupid_!

Baxter: I haven't even got to the mauling part yet, you big sissy! Now stand still so I can eat you!

Baxter pounces on Tony.

Tony: EEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Help! HELP!

3:26:58, at the WHITE HOUSE!!!

Karen paces back and forth in her room.

Karen: I have to convince Noah that the conversation with David Palmer I had this morning was real, and have to convince him that _I'm not crazy_! Isn't that right, _Rocky & Bullwinkle?_

Bullwinkle: Uh yes, I would think that is correct.

Rocky the Squirrel: And now, _it's time for 'Mr. Know-It-All!'_.

Bullwinkle: Hello, kids. Today I'm going to show you how to convince the President that you are not crazy.

Karen: I'm listening.

Bullwinkle: First, this is the White House, so you would assume that 'all' the telephone calls were recorded. This is '24' you know, anybody can be working for the terrorists, _even the president_.

Karen: YOU'RE RIGHT!

Bullwinkle: Now, all you have to do is find the recording with your telephone conversation on it, present it to the president, and voila! You are no longer insane!

Rocky: Thanks 'Mr. Know-It-All'!

Karen: Excellent!

Karen leaves her room and walks down the hall to the 'Records Room'. As if such a place exists.

Karen: Bob.

Bob (guarding the door): Hello, Mrs. Hayes.

Karen: I need to get in.

Bob: I'm sorry, Mrs. Hayes, only authorized personnel is allowed.

Karen: _I am the first lady_! You will let me in!

Bob: No you're not…..you're head of Homeland Security…

Karen: ……..you win this round, Bob.

Karen starts to walk away.

Karen: Oh, right….

She opens up a package of 'Mentos' and pops one in her mouth.

Backup Singers (_singing):_ _doobee doowaa. It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life. Mentos is fresh and full of life…_

Karen rips her skirt.

Karen: Let me in or I'll accuse you of _'Sexual Harassment_!'

Bob: BYE! (He runs off)

Backup Singers (singing): _Nothing gets to you, like a flesh eating shrew, Mentos is fresh and full of life!_

Karen walks into the 'Records Room'.

Karen: YAY!

Backup Singers (singing): _Mentos freshness, Mentos fresh fresh, Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh Fresh, Mentos are just so 'Full Of Life'!!!_

MENTOS….THE FRESHMAKER.

Karen: Way to butcher the jingle…morons. Anyhoo….

Karen takes a step and finds a tape.

Karen: Allright, this is it!

Meanwhile…

Noah: Okay, we're about ready to go.

Tom: Yup.

Karen busts in.

Karen: I got the recording of the conversation between David and I.

Karen walks over and grabs a tape recorder, and pops in the tape.

-RECORDING-

Karen (answering): Karen Hayes.

Palmer: Karen, this is David Palmer.

Karen: Oh, hi! How's it hanging?

Palmer: Not bad not bad. Karen, I have something very important that I have to tell you….._and only you._

Karen: What is it, David?

Palmer: Karen……._I saved a whole lot of money on my car insurance by switching to 'Geico'!_

-END-

Karen: WHAT!? THAT'S FAKE!

Tom: Karen, it's what's on the tape.

Karen: No, that tape was altered. David Palmer warned me of a national security threatening crisis that was supposed to happen soon! And no, it wasn't your death, President Daniels, because that wouldn't make any sense.

Noah (sarcastic): Yeah, _THAT wouldn't make any sense_…..

Tom: GUARDS! Take her back to her padded room.

Karen: Oooh, _Judas_!

The guards approach Karen.

Karen: Don't touch me!...You'll pay for this……..I'll turn into _Wonder Woman _again….oh wait, that didn't work…..fine!

Karen storms through a door into a closet, all sorts of crap falls on her.

-CRASH-

Karen: OOF!

Noah: Ugh…let's go……

7:01:01am. Jack, Chloe, and Michelle appear in the DeLorean in front of Jack's apartment earlier this morning.

Michelle: Okay, it worked! We're back in the past.

Jack: Oooh, I need to…

Michelle: Jack, forget it. Now that nothing is unaltered, just go forward back….to the future….which is really the present….but later….whatever. Just go back to 3:30pm.

Jack puts the car in drive, he zooms forward accidentally running over _Celine Dion_.

Celine Dion: EEEK!

-KA-CLUMP-

Michelle: What was that?!

Jack: Uh……speed bump….?

Chloe: JACK! You just mowed down Celine Dion!

Jack: Chloe, _nobody likes a tattle!_

Michelle: JACK!

Jack: Can you both pleeease stop yelling at me. Here I'll back up.

Jack puts the car in 'Reverse'.

Chloe: WAIT!

-KA-CLUNK-

Michelle: Ugh……just….just go.

Jack puts the car back in 'Forward'.

-KA-CLUNK!-

The car zaps! –ZAPPP!-

Michelle: …..

Chloe: …..

Jack: ….What?

Michelle: I have nothing to say to you Jack.

Jack: Oh what's the big deal? What's going to happen?

Michelle: Jack, last time Nina Myers came back to life, who knows what you screwed up this time?

Jack: Geez…….someone's grumpy….

Michelle: Hmph……

7:33:21, Celine Dion is _roadkill_ / Karen is in a straight jacket / Logan and friends are walking to the conference, with a long way to go / A doctor is checking up on a freshly mauled Tony, while Baxter waits by his bedside.

Baxter: Don't die on me Tony. If you do I'll have to resort to eating _Kim._ And she looks like she'd taste bitter.

Kim: I heard that!

Tony: Well, you could have toned it down a little, it's a miracle I'm still alive.

Baxter: Don't even get me started on _that_.

The nurse walks in.

Nurse Ratchett: I've brought you some dinner, Mr. Almeida.

She sets a tray of pot roast, mashed potatoes, corn, and a dinner roll in front of Tony.

Tony: I knew you get better food if you actually get checked in!

Nurse Ratchett: Now, Mr. Almeida, you just came out of surgery, the Doctor doesn't want you eating anything for at least a couple of hours.

Tony: Then why did you bring me food?

Nurse Ratchett: Just to be mean.….(She walks out)

Baxter: Oooh! How ironic. You pull this stunt to get better tasting food and now you can't eat it.

Tony: It's not ironic, it just blows.

Meanwhile, Logan and Friends are…..

Logan: …walking our butts off…..

Mandy: This is hopeless….

Ima: ……gasp….wheeze….

Suddenly they see _Falkor, _a flying creature that looks like a cross between a dragon and a dog, land in the parking lot of a 7-11.

Ima: What the hell is that!?

Logan: Whatever it is, we need it!

Logan and the others run up to Falkor.

Falkor: Hello, may I help you? _Atreyu _had to run inside to grab him some chips.

Logan: We need your assistance.

Falkor: I'm kinda busy.

Logan: Mandy…..?

Mandy pulls a gun on Falkor.

Logan: You kinda don't have a choice.

Falkor: Hop on, friends.

Logan, Mandy, and Ima climb aboard Falkor and he takes off.

Atreyu: HEY! GET BACK HERE! Well, _Fantasia's _screwed_…The empress is going to kick my ass for this one…._

3:37:12, at some park, the motorcade rolls up to where the press conference is being held.

Noah steps out of the vehicle, and walks up to meet with the President Of Australia.

P.O.A: I'm glad you could make it, Mr. President.

Noah: Same here, this will be a day that will change history forever.

Tom rolls his eyes.

P.O.A: Let us get started.

Both presidents make their way up to a stage and they take their seats at a table.

P.O.A: My vice president will be here shortly.

Noah: Splendid.

Meanwhile, the DeLorean appears at the scene….well several miles away from the park.

Jack: How inconvenient…

Michelle: Well, at lease _one_ thing from the past was fixed and we don't have to deal with Nina anymore.

Chloe: Problem solved…._albeit quite sloppy_…..

The DeLorean suddenly dies…..for good.

Jack: How _even more inconvenient. _Allright, down to business, Chloe, you get to stay in the car.

Chloe: What?!

Jack: Michelle and I will try to stop the bomb.

Michelle: Jack, how many times do I have to tell you I'm not a field agent?

Jack: You killed a civilian from trying to escape that hotel and spreading the 'Cordilla Virus' back in season 3, did you not?

Michelle: Well…

Jack hands her a gun.

Jack: You've been promoted, let's go.

Jack and Michelle get out of the car. Chloe sits in the back.

Chloe: Jack, could you at least leave the keys!? It's hotter than hell in here!

Jack and Michelle running down the road.

-SNAP-

Michelle: ACK!

Jack: What happened?

Michelle: I broke a heel.

Jack: Oh…..(he starts to run)

Michelle: Aren't you going to carry me?

Jack: You must be joking, I'm not your husband.

Michelle: Jack, I can't run wobbly like this, and there's pointy rocks everywhere.

Jack: Ugh….

Jack picks up Michelle and starts galloping to the park.

Jack: This is going to cut down our time, _immensely._

Michelle: _What is THAT supposed to mean?!_

3:42:31, Karen is sitting in her room, waiting.

Karen: Man, I can't just sit here when something bad is going to happen to the president. I know!

Karen presses a buzzer.

A maid walks in.

Maid: Did you need something cleaned Mrs….

Karen whaps the maid with a 'TV Guide' magazine. –FWAP!-

Maid: What was that for?

Karen: Uh…..hold on.

Karen grabs a lamp.

-WHACK!-

The maid falls to the ground.

Karen: Now to do a little clothes switching…that will get me out of here…..

Karen starts to put on the maid's clothes.

Karen: Aw man, this maid is too skinny. These wont make it over my butt.

Karen hits the buzzer, another Maid walks in.

Maid: Did you call, Mrs……

Karen lunges for the Lamp. -WHACK!-

The maid falls to the floor.

Karen starts to put on her clothes.

Maid: Ugh, this maid is too fat! These fall off of me!

Karen hits the buzzer again.

Maid: You rang?

-WHACK-

Karen puts on her clothes.

Karen: Just right!

Karen makes her way down the hall.

Maid Captain: THERE YOU ARE!

Karen: Uh…….what?

Maid Captain: I've been looking all over for you. I was trying to get a hold of Cindy, Mindy, and Lindy but they have all disappeared!

Karen (nervously looking back to her room): Oh…..yea about that……

Maid Captain: Well, we have to get going.

Karen: What? Oh, no there's a misunderstanding.

Maid Captain: Are you _pretending to be a maid_? Because that's a federal offense that is punishable by death!

Karen: Oh!...I mean…..'I can't wait to leave this hell hole….'

Maid Captain: That's the spirit! Come on.

Karen follows the Maid Captain out of the White House into the Van.

3:47:02, Falkor lands at the park behind a giant tree. Logan, Mandy, and Ima hop off and start preparations.

Mandy: So, how do we do this?

Logan: I'll dress in drag….

Mandy & Ima: _Again?!_

Logan: Silence! Anyway, I'll make my way up there and hand the KAT-9/Easy Bake Oven to the President as a peace offering. I sprint back to our friend Falkor here, and we fly to safety and detonate the bomb. President is dead, we get our money, and the villains live happily ever after, The End.

Mandy: Whatever.

Logan: Okay, where's the detonator?

Mandy and Ima look at each other.

Logan: You lost the detonator…..great. Ok, we might be able to survive this.

Logan starts to get dressed, he puts on some makeup and grabs the bomb. He makes his way to the stage.

Secret Service: What is this?

Logan: Uh….a gift….

Secret Service: Aw, how nice. Go ahead.

Logan goes up the stairs and to the Presidents.

Logan: Oh hello….my name is…..'Rhonda', I just wanted to come here and offer _this_, as a token of my appreciation. This signing of the 'Best Friends Forever' treaty between our countries is just a happy and memorable event….

Ima: He's getting too into the part.

Mandy: Agreed.

Logan: And being a citizen of…..(To the presidents) What country are you? Russia?

President Of Australia: Australia.

Logan: _Being an Australian citizen myself_…I…..just…..am sooo happy……-sniff-

Logan notices Mandy giving a '_Wrap It Up'_ motion with her hands.

Logan: Thanks for everything. BYE! (He hands Noah the 'gift' and runs off stage).

Noah: Hey, it's an 'Easy Bake Oven', let's test it. Hmm, looks like it has a bagel inside it already.

Logan and Mandy look at Ima.

Ima: Oh crap, forgot that was in there.

Logan: _YOU TRIED TO USE IT_!?! You could have killed us all.

Ima: I know how it works, dummy. Just as long as you don't set it for '30 seconds', the bomb won't activate.

Logan: Well, that's just great. How are we going to get them to….

Noah: Here, do something with this bagel.

The Australian Consul arrives on stage.

Australian Consul: I'll eat it!

The Consul starts to eat the bagel.

Noah: Now, to commemorate this joyous occasion, let's cook….this brownie in here. Anybody know how long a brownie takes?

Logan (shouts): 30 SECONDS!

Mandy slaps him.

Mandy: Are you nuts!? They'll catch us.

Noah: I heard someone say 30 seconds, okay.

Noah slides the brownie into the Easy Bake Oven, and hits 3…….then 0………then…..

Jack: STOP!!!!!!! (He fires a gun) –BANG BANG BANG-

The Australian Consul is surprised by the gunfire and starts to choke on his bagel. Jack and Michelle run up on stage.

Jack: Move! (Jack pushes the Consul out of the way). Michelle, see what you can do.

Michelle: I'll try, though the person who can actually accomplish this, _you left in the car_.

Jack: I'm not perfect, get her on the phone. (He hands Michelle his cell phone).

Michelle nervously dials Chloe's cell phone.

Chloe is back in the car, she answers her phone.

Chloe: O'Brian…

Michelle: Chloe, it's Michelle, Jack was an idiot and didn't bother to bring you along and I need some assistance on how to disarm this thing. I took some bomb disarming courses at the Community College, but I never had to deal with anything like this.

Chloe: Okay, Michelle, slow down. First, remove the top cover.

Michelle reaches in her pockets and pulls out a screwdriver, she unscrews the top cover of the oven and removes it.

Michelle: Got it.

Chloe: Okay, now inside there should be a silver box with a serial number on it, see it?

Michelle: Yeah…..

She moves in, her elbow accidentally hits the 'Start' button, initiating the device.

-BEEP-

Jack: Uh oh.

Michelle: Chloe, the device has been armed! I only have 30 seconds before it goes off.

The crowd starts screaming and running around.

Mandy: RUN!

Logan: They armed the bomb; we need to get out of here now!

They jump on Falkor as he starts to take off.

Logan: But first…..stop over 'there' for a second…..

Michelle: Chloe, I'm running out of time!

Chloe: Take the cover off the silver box, and now you have to disable the wire that controls the timer.

Michelle quickly unscrews the box.

Jack: Hurry Michelle, there's only 15 seconds left…….

Michelle: Chloe, there's a Red wire and a Green wire, which one is it?

Jack: _It's always a Red and Green wire with these things_...

Chloe: You need to cut the….ACK! –Phone Static-

Michelle: Chloe?...Chloe!?...

Jack: Uh Michelle?

Michelle: I don't know……..what do you think?

Jack: …….Red!

Michelle: Green it is!

Jack: Hmph!

Michelle cuts the green wire the clock stops at '1'…..

Tom faints.

Michelle: That was too close. Come on Jack, something happened to Chloe.

Jack: Allright, The day has been saved, _Thanks to 'The Bauer-Puff Girls!'._

Michelle: Oh, shut up!

They run off.

Meanwhile, at the hospital.

Kim: How are you doing, Doyle?

Doyle: I'm doing good, the doctor says I should be out of here in a couple of hours.

Kim: That's good.

Doyle: Well, you guys should get to the Park as fast as you can and try to meet up with Jack.

Kim: Yeah. Well, I'll send Tony and Baxter in here. You going to be okay?

Doyle: Yeah, my sister '_Melinda Doyle' _will be here shortly.

Kim: Man, these '_Surprise Family Members'_ are becoming too much. Okay, well, you get some rest.

Doyle: Okay.

Kim walks out of Doyle's room and down to Tony's, where he and Baxter are standing outside.

Kim: And how are you holding up?

Tony: Much better. No thanks to _Simba_ here!

Baxter: Don't make me attack you again.

Kim: Well, you guys should go check on Doyle, the doctor says he should make a full recover….

A shot rings out –BANG- Kim, Tony, and Baxter hit the floor.

Tony (mysterious Southern accent): _What in tarnation was that!?_

An assassin realizes he missed and starts coming after them.

Kim: ACK! He's coming after us!

Baxter: We better get moving!

Kim, Tony, and Baxter run through the hospital corridor being pursued by the killer.

Kim: Dead end!

Baxter: This way!

They burst though a side door, up a flight of stairs.

The screen splits down at 3:56:12. Baxter, Kim, and Tony are quickly climbing stairs trying to lose the assassin / Karen is riding in the back seat of the 'Maid Van' to some place / Jack and Michelle are running as fast as they can back to the broke down DeLorean to check on Chloe / Bill walks down the stairs to the main hall of CTU, he gets on the phone / Morris and Milo are watching 'Leave It To Beaver' on a portable TV / Nadia is fixing her makeup in the women's restroom / Doyle is confused what all the noise was, he stares out the window. His sister, Melinda, arrives. / Audrey is still comatose / Noah and Tom look at each other nervously as the Australian president watches the Consul of his country be zipped up in a body bag / Logan, Ima, Mandy are flying on Falkor to their next destination, with Chloe who's unconscious.

Jack and Michelle arrive at the car.

Michelle: Chloe's gone!

Jack: Good going, Michelle!

Michelle What?! How is it my fault?

Jack: We better get back to CTU.

Michelle: And how do you suppose we do that?

Jack: …._Call CTU!_

Michelle: Well, that's actually a good idea. Have a cookie.

She stuffs a cookie in Jack's mouth.

Jack: Blargh….

Michelle dials CTU's number.

Bill (answering): Buchanan.

Michelle: Bill, it's Michelle, we managed to stop the bomb from going off at the Presidential Press Conference but our car is broke down and Chloe has been kidnapped. We need some transportation now.

Bill: Okay…..oh, and _CTU Director Palmer _wishes to speak with you and Jack.

Michelle (shocked): ……….uh……what?

Bill: Let me transfer you, a ridiculously fast helicopter will be there shortly.

Michelle (lowering the phone): Bill is transferring me to a 'Director Palmer'.

Jack: Probably another one of _David's lost brothers or sisters_.

Palmer: Michelle, this is _Sherry Palmer,_ what is your status?

Michelle (screaming): _Holy freaking crap_! Dammit Jack!

She throws the phone at him.-CLUNK-

Jack: Ow! What did I do now?

Michelle: _Sherry Palmer is the director of CTU!_

Jack: This probably has something to do with me running over _Celine Dion, _doesn't it?

Michelle: I hate you so much…..

In the Maid Van….

Karen: Where are we going?

Maid Captain: You should know, you were briefed this morning…._unless you aren't one of us!_

Karen: Oh no! I am….I was just…._testing you, smarty pants_...

Karen looks over at a bag of laundry. She checks to see if the Captain is looking. She grabs the first article of clothing she can find, the tag reading 'Property of Agatha Bauer' on it.

Karen: _Who writes that on a tag?_ I mean, come on.……

At the Conference.

The President Of Australia confronts Noah and Tom.

P.O.A: President Daniels, this is unforgivable!

Noah: Well, _we didn't do anything_!

P.O.A: That moron federal agent got my _Consul killed_. I want justice, or there will be consequences.

Noah: Like what?

P.O.A: I want Bauer handed over to Australian authorities by tonight, or you will leave us no choice but to declare war on your country.

Noah: Oh please, our country is much larger than yours.

Tom: Mr. President. I wouldn't recommend starting a spat with Australia, they may be the smaller than us in size, but they have enough missiles and firearms to wipe out almost 75 of our troops. We want to be on their good side, why do you think you're signing this stupid 'Best Friends Forever' treaty?!

Noah: Oh……well damn…..

At the hospital.

Kim, Baxter, and Tony reach the roof.

Kim: We're on the roof, now what are we going to do?

A helicopter lands on the helipad.

Kim: Who's that?!

Some guards jump out of the helicopter and grab Kim and Tony.

Kim: Hey! What's going on?

Captain of the Guards: Good work, _Baxter._ With Kimberly here, we have leverage to get Bauer to do whatever we want.

Kim: Wha….What!?

Baxter: It was a piece of cake……

Tony: You fiend!

Baxter: Take them away.

Kim is speechless. The guards drag her and Tony to the helicopter. Baxter climbs into the passenger side of the helicopter as it starts to lift off the ground.

Tony: Kim….has anybody ever told you that you _have terrible taste in men?_

Kim: ……. (She looks out the window)

3:59:57

3:59:58

3:59:59

4:00:00

NEXT TIME ON 24…..

-SWOOSH-

Kim is in one of the terrorists bedrooms.

Kim: Audrey, we have to get out of here soon or we'll get caught.

Audrey: Right.

There's tapping at the window.

Kim walks over and opens it, she finds _Steve Urkel _on the ground below throwing pebbles to get her attention.

Kim: What do you want!?

Steve Urkel: _I love you, Lara Winslow!!_

Kim: I'm not Lara Winslow, you psycho! Go away!

She slams the window shut.

-SWOOSH-

Morris is sitting on a bench, Doyle sits next to him.

Morris: _Hi there. Mah name's Morris. Morris Gump!_

Morris hands Doyle a box.

_Morris: You know mah momma always said…_

Doyle: Yea, 'Life Is Like a Box Of Chocolates' no one cares!

_Morris: You son of a_…

Morris beats Doyle to death with the box.

Doyle: ACK!

-WHAP! WHAP!-

Morris: There.

Police: Hey! He just murdered that guy! Get him!

Morris: Uh oh!

Morris takes off running.

Jenny: _RUN MORRIS!!! RUUUN!!!!_

-SWOOSH-

Noah: I don't appreciate being threatened like this, Mr. President Of Australia.

P.O.A: I want Bauer in custody for killing our consul by 9:00….or your country will pay dearly…..

Tom: Mr. President, we cannot afford to have this war….especially since we spent our entire budget hosting the '_White House Carnival'!_

They notice Karen zooming by outside on some contraption.

Karen (screaming): _I want off!_..._Someone get me off of heeeere!_..._I'm goooing to thrrroooww uuupppp!_

-AND FINALLY-

Jack Bauer is……Agent 0024!...

Jack: The name is Bauer……_James Bauer_.

M: James, you are a part of his majesty's secret service. You must go on a mission to find out who is plotting to blow up the Queen.

Jack: Right!

M: Now, 'Q' will brief you on the types of gadgets you will be using.

Jack: He's 'Q' and you're 'M', why is everyone named 'Letters' around here? Geez….

Q: Hello, Bauer. Now you will need this device in order to….

Jack: Hey, what's _this_?

Jack grabs a submarine sandwich.

Q: That would be my lunch.

Jack: No, really, what is it?

Jack fondles the sandwich until he presses something, a missile goes off in M's face.

M: ACK!

-KA-PLOWEE!-

Q: Oh my god!

Jack: …yeeaa…..this job really isn't my style….I'm going to have to put in my notice….bye!

Jack runs like hell.

AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK……beep…..beep……beep……beep…..


	10. 4:00pm 'Terms Of Imprisonment'

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and does include spoilers up to the end of Season 6. Any characters, events, and all that stuff are made up and any similarities to any of that are completely coincidental. No moles were harmed in the filming of this episode….Disclaimer Over…..woo hoo…..

THE 24 PARODY PROJECT

Episode 10

4:00pm – 5:00pm 'Terms Of Imprisonment'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS

The writers of the hit show '24' are sitting around their table as usual.

Fred: What……the……hell……is the matter with you?

Paul: What did I do now?!

Fred: _'24 On Ice'_, are you insane?!

Paul: I think it's a great idea.

Fred: This is bad…..this is really really bad.

Paul: It will work, promise……..

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU TONIGHT!...24…..ON……ICE!!!!!

The cast of '24' gracefully skate on the ice arena.

Chloe: Man, why did we agree to do this? I'm awful at ice skating.

Chloe slips and falls on her butt. –WHACK-

Chloe: Ow….

Bill and Morris crash into each other. –WHAP!-

Bill: ACK!

Morris: Dahling, watch were you're going….

A terrorist slides a bomb onto the ice.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Chloe regains her balance, she tries to take off again before tripping over the bomb, falling on her face. –WHAP!-

Chloe: OOF!

Bomb: Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep……

Jack: Uh oh!

-KA BOOOOOOOM!-

Everyone starts to slide under the ice.

Everyone: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Tony (sitting on the side): This is Tony Almeida reporting live from '24 On Ice', now let's take it over to co-reporter Karen Hayes.

Karen is chowing down on a hot dog.

Tony: Uh…..Karen……

Karen: -munch- -munch-

Tony: KAREN!

Karen: Yeeees?

Tony: Your thoughts?

Karen: Did you catch _'Smallville'_' last night? I was giving my dog a bath…..

Tony: …………

Karen takes another bite of her hotdog.

Tony: Where did you get that hotdog, this place doesn't even have a snack bar!

Karen: Oh it was sitting right over…….uh oh…….

Karen runs off.

Tony: Ooookay…..that will do it for '24 On Ice'…..we will see you next time……..now roll the opening credits already!

Jack: AHH! It's sooo cold!...

BEEP…….BEEP…….BEEP……..BEEP…….BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP………24!...

Jack: Previously on 24….

-PREVIOUSLIES-

Kim: Baxter, you betrayed us! I'll never forgive you….. (KIM BAUER)

A car crashes through the wall. –CRASH-

Steve Urkel (poking his head out): _Did I do thaaat?_

Kim: Will you go away! You were only contracted to do one episode!

-AND-

Noah: Karen, you are too unstable to come with me to the press conference, only bad stuff will happen if _you_ show up.

Michelle stops the bomb, Jack makes the Consul of Australia choke on a bagel. He croaks…

President of Australia: For killing our consul, I want Jack Bauer in our custody by 9:00……..or we will declare war on your country.

Noah: I don't feel the least bit threatened…..

A kangaroo hops up to Noah and punches him in the face. –WHACK- (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

Karen: I have to get out of here.

Karen knocks a maid unconscious and puts on her clothing to sneak out.

Captain: We are going to our next house to clean.

Karen sees 'Property of Agatha Bauer' on a tag.

Karen: Hmm……not good….. (KAREN HAYES)

-AND-

Jack: It's time to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!

Michelle: Whatever!

Jack runs over a skunk. –SQUISH-

Bea Arthur: I Nina Myers, have returned from the grave and will wreak havoc on all humankind, MWA HA HA!

Jack: _DOH!_

Jack: It's time to go BACK TO THE FUTURE….AGAIN!

Jack runs over Celine Dion. –SQUISH-

Jack: _Ah hell's bells…_

Michelle: Well at least Nina isn't a problem anymore.

Sherry: I am now the Director Of CTU.

Jack: Oops….. (JACK BAUER)

-AND-

Logan: Well, the operation was a failure, but at lease we have something to bring back home. (CHARLES LOGAN AND FRIENDS)

Chloe: Uh…….. (UNCONSIOUS CHLOE O'BRIAN)

Bill: The following takes place between 4:00pm and 5:00pm……..Hi Mom! (waves)

The press conference has finally ended, the crowd is dispersing last week's episode's mess.

Paramedics roll the body of the Australian Consul past Noah, Tom, and The Australian President, whose name is Harry Love.

Tom: _Now he gets a name…_

Noah agrees.

Harry: This is unbelievable!

Tom: Oh no, he's quite dead. I'd believe it…

Harry: This is that stupid agent's fault!

Noah: Who, Jack?! I don't know who you're talking about!

A kangaroo hops up and punches Noah in the face.

Noah: OW!...that's getting old……

Harry: Yes, it's because of his gun slinging our consul is dead!

Tom: But he saved all these people…

Harry: I don't care! I want Bauer in Australian custody by 9:00 tonight, or we will go through with launching an attack on the United States.

Tom: Not on my watch! Transforming, _Anime-style._

Tom jumps into the air.

Tom: SUPER MEGA MISSLE BLAST!

Tom unleashes a barrage of missiles at Harry, who dodges them just in time. –BOOOM!-

The crowd starts screaming and going insane.

Harry: MEGA TON NUCLEAR GAMMA RAY!

Harry pushes his hands forward and shoots out a bright blue beam of light towards Tom, he misses and hits a gas station. –KA BOOOOM!-

Noah: What the hell……

Tom: DRAGON LOTUS STRIKE!

-KABOOM!-

Harry: SUPER TEK MISSILE ASSAULT BLAST!

-KABOOOOOM!-

Tom: ULTRA MEGA DEATH BLASTOID BEAM OF RADIOACTIVITY!

-NUKE!-

Noah: Uh, hello….?

Harry shoots off another attack which propels Tom back several feet, regaining his balance, he starts doing all sorts of hand gestures.

Tom: _By the power of the moon!_ I will become….._Sailor Moon!_

Tom starts to transform into a super outfit….

Noah: Oh crap, that's going to take like, 45 minutes. (Turning to Harry), we'll just get back to you on the whole 'Jack Bauer' thing.

Harry: Gotcha….

4:03:12, Jack and Michelle arrive back at CTU, via 'The Insanely Fast Helicopter'.

Jack: Damn skippy…..

Jack and Michelle walk into CTU's main lobby floor.

Jack: Hello my peeps!

Sherry: Jack…

Jack: SHERRY PALMER! Jack is shocked, Jack doesn't know what to do, Jack needs to find his gun….

Michelle: Jack, quit talking in the _third person_. Hi Sherry, what's the status?

Jack: Why is….?

Michelle: Jack we went over this, you mowed down _Celine Dion_ in last week's episode, changing the present and now we have no means of time travel and we're stuck like this, so deal with it.

Jack: aw….

Sherry: Michelle, I….

Bill: BONZAI!!!!

Everyone looks at Bill.

Bill: What?

Sherry: Michelle, I….

Doctor Ray: MR. BAUER!!!

Sherry: Ugh….

Jack: What is it, Dr. _McDreamy?_

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Doc Ray: I believe I have found a cure for Mrs. Raines.

Jack: Who?

Michelle (pissed): Jack!

Jack: Oh, Audrey….._she's still on the show?_

Michelle: Yea, don't ask questions, just let the man finish.

Doc Ray: It appears Mrs. Raines is under a _magic spell_.

Jack: Say what?!

Michelle: Oh brother….

Doc Ray: She is 'Cursed' and the spell must be broken by the stroke of 7:00, or she will remain in a coma….._forever_.

Jack: Got it! Now, what were you going to say, Sherry?

Sherry: Thank you, Jack. Now I….

Milo: EUREKA!!!

Sherry: If one more person interrupts me….

Milo: Guys, come here!

Jack, Michelle, and Sherry walk over to Milo's station.

Milo: Chloe was kidnapped!

Michelle: We know this. But where was she taken to?

Milo: Charles Logan and his cronies took her to Agatha Bauer's mansion via _Falkor_.

Sherry: What's a Falkor?

Milo: A huge flying beast that is a cross between a dog and a dragon.

Jack: The thing from _The Never-Ending Story?_

Michelle hits Jack.

Jack: OW! What was that for?

Sherry: Okay, anyway I….

Jack: Oh look! A cupcake!

Sherry pulls out a gun and shoots Jack. –BANG-

Jack: Urk….(falls to floor)

Sherry: I forgot what I was going to say, I hope you're happy!

Jack: _'Happy'_….wouldn't…..be…..a good choice…..ugh…

Doc Ray: Anyway, time is of the essence. Break the spell by 7:00, or no more Audrey!

Jack: Wait!

He gets back up, apparently he doesn't have a bullet wound anymore.

Jack: How do I break the spell?

Doc Ray: Follow these directions, they will take you to my contact 'Lucky', from there he will give you the proper instructions on what you will need to do in order to break the spell. Good luck, Jim.

Jack: My name's Morris.

Michelle: Jack.

Jack: Milo.

Michelle: _JACK!_

Jack: Jack.

Milo: But what about Chloe!? We have to save her!

Sherry: Oh right, Bill!...Where's Bill?

Bill and Morris are in the game room, playing _'Donkey Kong'._

Bill: Stupid monkey!

Morris: Jump, Dahling!...Jump again!

Bill: I can't! He's throwing too many damn barrels!

Morris: You know, the princess isn't _that hot_, I don't see why you are risking your life trying to save the broad…

Bill: It's the principle, Morris.

Sherry (walking in): _Where the hell did this room come from!?_

Jack: Oh figures, they install this room while I'm off saving the world!

Michelle: Well, if you want to get technical, Chloe and I saved the world. You committed vehicular manslaughter on a skunk, Celine Dion, and killed the Australian Consul by making him choke on his bagel.

Sherry: Jack! _You killed the Australian Consul!?_ You can get into a LOT of trouble for that!

Morris: Sherry wins the award for 'Most Stupidly Obvious Statement Ever!'.

Balloons and Confetti fly from the ceiling, music starts to play. Some woman hands a trophy to Sherry.

Sherry: Uh….

Woman: Sherry Palmer! What are you going to do now that you won the 'Most Stupidly Obvious Statement Ever' award?

Sherry: I'm walking away now.

Sherry hauls out of the game room.

Jack: Okay, we need a plan. I'm going to visit this 'Lucky' guy and try to save Audrey.

Michelle: Fine, but what are we going to do about Chloe?

Bill: Milo and I will go to Agatha's mansion and rescue Chloe. Jack, you do your thing. Michelle, you stand here and look important. _Spritle and Chim Chim_, you sneak into the _Mach 5_ and annoy the crap out of _Speed Racer_, accepting as much candy from strangers as you possibly can!

Spritle: I love candy!

Chim Chim: Oooh! Oooh! Eeeeee! Eeeeeee!

Morris: What about Morris, dahling?

Bill: Stay here and play 'Donkey Kong'.

Morris: Sweet!

Michelle: Well, I'm glad you got some pull around here, not being director and all….

Bill: Hey, I'm number 2 in command. So it's all good.

Michelle: Wait, if your number 2 in command, where's Nadia?

Bill and Morris look at each other.

Bill: I'm sorry to say this Michelle…..

Michelle: Oh no, _she's dead?!_

Bill: Well, no…….she is………somewhere…..

Michelle: _Somewhere!?_ That's the best you can come up with?! A little anti-climatic……

Bill: Well, she got lost somewhere in action, we haven't been able to find her yet.

Michelle: Well, since I'll be staying here I'll look for her.

Bill: Wherever she is……she's in our prayers….

Meanwhile, in the CTU women's restroom.

Nadia: HEY! _Someone let me out of here!_ The door is jammed! Oh this blows……

4:10:12, The 'Super Sweet Maid Service Incorporated' Van drives by.

Karen: Doo dee doo….

Captain: Hmm….

Karen: So……we're going to _Agatha Bauer's_ place huh……that's rockin…..

Captain: Yes……it is……

Karen: I bet…..we're going to clean……lots of stuff huh?

Captain: That's what Maid's do.

Karen: Yuppers……….

Captain: ……

Karen: ……

Captain: …..

Karen: …….

Captain: So……Esmeralda…

Karen: Who the hell is 'Esmeralda'?

The Captain glares at her.

Karen: OH!..._That's what I would say_……_if I weren't 'Esmeralda'_…..heh heh….

Captain: Uh…huh….

Karen: Yea….

Captain: So….what did you think of that 'job' you did last week?

Karen: Oh, it stunk to high heaven!...There were _feces_ everywhere! I was like 'Man it's my _Prom Night_ all over again'.

Captain: AH HA!

Karen: It wasn't funny, jerk face!

Captain: You're a fraud!

Karen: What!?

Captain: You were talking about last weeks job, _but today is 'Esmeralda's_' first day, you're a fake!

Karen: Why, _how dare you_. You have insulted my honor! And you have insulted _The Queen_. And when you insult the Queen, you insult my honor. And when my honor is insulted, the Queen gets angry.

Captain: I get it already, but regardless…..PULL THE VAN OVER!

Karen: Uh oh.

The van pulls over near a ditch. Two maids fling open the back doors and drag Karen out.

Karen: ACK!

The Captain pulls out a gun, pointing it at Karen.

Karen: Wait, you can't shoot me! I'm the star of the show!

Captain: No you're not.

Karen: Oh…….hmm…..

Captain: Falsifying a Maid Position is a federal offense, and is punishable_ by death!_

Karen: Can I get a lollipop instead?

Captain: Uh….no.

Karen: Dang, that didn't work either. This looks like the end of my adventures…..wait…..I'm getting a flashback.

-KAREN'S FLASHBACK-

Tom: Karen, I have told you everything that I know.

Karen: Thank you, Sensei. I will not fail you!

Tom: You have learned the art of 'Hong Kong Fooey', now go my child!

Karen: BONZAI!!!

-FIN-

Karen: Yes…..I remember…..everything.

Captain: What?

Karen hops back a few feet.

Karen: SUPER MEGA BLAST SUNSHINE DEATH BEAM!!!!

A teddy bear falls on the ground. –BONK-

Karen: Uh……

Captain: What was that?!

Karen: Hold on, let me try that again.

Karen gets back in 'Lotus Blossom' position.

Karen: PRAYING MANTIS LOTUS BLOSSOM FLOWER SUPREME ATTACK! HEEEEEYAAAAAAA!

A wad of _Green Nickelodeon Slime_ splats on the Maid Captain. –SPLOOSH-

Captain: EW! _What the hell is this stuff!?_

Karen: Good enough for me. I run away now!

Karen takes off running, the other maids in hot pursuit.

Karen: Ooh! Leg cramp!...Leg cramp!...

4:15:05, Karen is running from the maids / Jack, Bill, and Milo are leaving CTU to take care of their duties / Logan is still flying Falkor with Mandy, Ima, and unconscious Chloe / A helicopter with Kim, Tony, and Baxter zooms by.

On the helicopter.

Kim: …….

Baxter: ……

Tony: Talk about your _awkward silences_.

Kim: Why did you do it Baxter? WHY!?

Baxter: ……

Guard: He works for us, girlie.

Kim: Ugh….

Tony: How about a story to lighten the mood, huh.

Kim: No.

Tony: Okay, this story is called 'Goldilocks and the 3 Tyrannosaurus Rexes'. Goldilocks was walking through the forest…..

Kim: So Baxter, what was it? Money…..Power………something else cool? You……you……Benedict Arnold! Judas!...

Tony: …and she comes up to a house. She walks in and there were 3 plates of Sirloin Steak. Goldilocks tries the first steak, and she goes 'This steak is too bloody!'….

Baxter: Kim, I had a job to do. You're just going to have to understand that!

Tony: …she tries the second plate, and says 'This steak is too burnt!'.

Kim: Well, because of you my dad is probably going to have to rescue me, and a war is probably imminent because of something he did, so any blood that is shed will be all on you! Can you live with yourself knowing that? Huh?...HUH?

Tony: …she tries the last steak and goes, 'This one is just right'. Then the Dinosaurs walk in and eat her, she was delicious. The End!

Kim: I hope you know what you did.

Baxter: ……

Tony: _God, you two are boring_!

Tony scoots up to the front. He talks to the guard.

Tony: Hey, did you hear the one about '_The Pillsbury Doughboy working at the Bank'_?

Guard: I did! It was awesome!

Tony: You know……_I came up with that_….

Guard: Get out…..

Tony: No really, I did!

Guard: Well my friend, you are talented.

Tony: I know……

Kim scoffs and stares out the window.

4:17:07, Falkor lands at Agatha's giant mansion. Mandy, and Ima carry Chloe by the arms and legs, Logan proceeds to the guard.

Logan: Good afternoon.

Guard: ID, please.

Logan: I am Terrorist number _8675309_.

Guard: ………enter.

The giant door opens. Logan and the others go in.

Logan: Okay, you two. I need to go talk to my boss, you take Chloe to the holding cell.

Mandy and Ima waddle into a room. Logan walks down a hall, he turns left at a corridor and up to a door.

Door: _Require Voice Recognition_.

Logan: Charles Logan.

Door: _Require Hand and Fingerprint Recognition._

Logan places his hand on a computer pad, which scans and records his prints.

Door: _Require Retinal Scan_.

Logan: Uh….okay.

Logan looks into a peep hole in the wall, a laser scans across his right eye; followed by three beeps.

Door: _Require Blood Sample_.

Logan: Good lord.

A needle protrudes from the wall and pricks Logan's finger, sampling some blood.

Logan: Can I go in now?

Door: ……..

Logan: …….

Door: _Require Urine Sample_.

Logan: GRR!

4:20:30, Jack arrives at a….

Jack: _Enchanted Forest?!_ How the hell is there one of these in California?!

Jack steps out of the car and walks into the entrance of the forest.

Jack: Hello.

Suddenly, _Lucky The Leprechaun _pops out.

Lucky: Oooh, hee hee. Top of the mornin to ya!

Jack: Oh….you must be lucky.

Lucky: Aye, and you can be lucky as well, if you can find all of me _Lucky Charms!_

Jack: Excuse Me?

Lucky: There's _Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes_…..

Jack: Yeah, I don't give a crap. How can I save Audrey?

Lucky: Oh, you're here for that. Follow me, Mr. Bauer.

Jack follows Lucky the Leprechaun deep within the forest.

Lucky: This is the only way you can save her, by completing these '7 Trials Of Heroism'.

Jack: Okie Dokie…

Lucky: Upon completion of the 7 Trials, you will receive an antidote, which is a magical liquid that will cure your friend's disease.

Jack: I thought she was under a spell…..

Lucky: Who cares? Just go on the first trial.

Jack: I'm ready!

Lucky: Okay, the first trial is 'The Trial Of Saving Children'. Let's walk.

Jack and Lucky walk out of the forest.

Lucky: You see that kid over there, getting Ice Cream from that vendor?

Jack: Ooooh, Ice Cream!

Lucky: Focus!

Jack: Sorry.

Lucky: He is about to be ran over by a bus.

Jack: _That means I'll be first in line to get Ice Cream!_

Lucky: NO, dumbass! You have to go save him!

Jack: How do you know if he's going to be hit by a bus?

Lucky: Uh, it's a test. I create these things; I wouldn't send you out doing random acts of kindness that might not even be needed. Now get going.

Jack: RIGHT!

Jack runs out of the forest and across the street.

Boy: Hi!

Jack: Hello.

Boy: I'll take…….that Ice Cream Drumstick.

Jack: Oh, I love those.

Vendor: Oooh, it's your lucky day, it's my last one.

Jack: I want it!

Jack pushes the boy out of the way…..and into the path of the oncoming bus. –WHAP!-

Jack walks back over to Lucky whose jaw is dropped from shock.

Jack (ice cream all over his face): So…..how did I do?

Lucky: YOU FAILED…..miserably.

Jack: What!? Why?!

Lucky: Not only did you NOT prevent the child from getting hit, you practically threw him in front of the bus! WRONG!

Jack: It was more or a 'push' than a 'throw'.

Lucky: -sigh-, let's move on to the next test.

4:24:15, Somewhere in the middle of no where.

Karen: I'm running! I'm running!

Maids: We're chasing! We're chasing!

Karen: Crap!

Anyhoo, back at the mansion.

Logan: Okay, it's been forever! Can I go in now!?

Door: _Require Reenactment Of Dance Scene From 'Footloose'_.

Logan: WHAT!? There's like, a million dance scenes in 'Footloose'! Let me in you stupid door!

The door opens.

Logan: FINALLY!

Logan walks in.

Logan: I have made it, my liege.

Mysterious Silhouette: I have called you in here today, Mr. Logan, to tell you that you're services are no longer needed.

Logan: What? What are you talking about?

Mysterious Silhouette: You've been replaced.

Logan: By who?

M. Silhouette: By _Agatha Bauer!_

Logan: WHAT!?

M. Silhouette: You seemed surprised. Why would I hold a meeting like this _in her house_.

Logan: Oh……well damn.

M. Silhouette: She is also the one who you were trying to compete with, and she just showed better results.

Logan: That's insane! She didn't do anything! She ran her operations in a 'Pizza Hut', flew around a couple of times. Hell, _she wasn't even AT the press conference_. I hijacked the dog from the 'Never-Ending story' to get here, I've been through a lot today and we're not even half way through the season. So I've done everything you asked me to!

M. Silhouette: Wrong! Mr. Logan! You did not.

Logan: What?

M. Silhouette: You're mole 'Ima Mole' successfully blew up CTU but they are still operational to the point they were able to prevent the Presidential Assassination!

Logan: Well, they knew anyway! I acted as an anonymous tipster to Bauer and CTU and told them this morning!

M. Silhouette: And why would you do that?

Logan: Well…….uh……well…….

M. Silhouette: So you gave the good guys the heads up for no reason, you failed at killing the President, you brought back Chloe O'Brian and NOT Jack Bauer, then you _stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks and soiled my exhaust fan which now has to be cleaned and sterilized. _So YOU LOSE! No lifetime supply of chocolate for you! Goodbye!

He pulls a rope; Logan falls through a trap door.

Logan: AAAHHHHH!!!!!

The Oompa Loompas come out to sing.

Oompa Loompas (singing):_ Oompa Loompa, doopity dist. What if you suck at being a terrorist?_

M. Silhouette: Get out!

He pulls out a shotgun and opens fire as the Oompa Loompas scurry away. –KA BANG!-

The helicopter carrying Kim and Tony arrives at the mansion. The guards escort Kim and Tony into the mansion.

Guard: Take the girl to her room.

Kim: I get a room?

Tony: She gets a room?!

Guard: Yes. You get a cell with the other prisoner.

Tony: What other prisoner?

The guard drags Tony down a hall and throws him into the same cell as Chloe.

Tony: Chloe!

Chloe is still passed out.

Tony: Chloe, it's me Tony, your buddy.

Chloe: …..

Tony: Uh…….I just wanted to say that '_Last Night was just_…._magical_'. –wink-

Chloe: WHAT?!

Tony: Knew that would wake you up….

Chloe: -cough- -cough-….ugh….oh my head……where are we?

Tony: Agatha Bauer's Mansion…..duhn duhn duuuuuuuhnnnn…..

Chloe: Are you serious? Where are the others? Where's Jack?

Tony: You know, I have no idea. You would think they would have called to check on us. But we've been held hostage twice, chased down at a hospital. It's just been a long day.

Chloe: Where's Doyle?

Tony: Shot. He's at the hospital.

Chloe: Geez. Well we have to get out of here.

Tony: Hmm……I got it!

Chloe: What?

Tony: All we have to do……is _use our imagination_.

Chloe: Oh great.

Tony: No, they do it all the time on '_Muppet Babies_'. We just need to try very hard…..and……

Suddenly, a rocket lands in the cell. –CRASH-

Chloe: ACK!

An astronaut steps out of the rocket.

Astronaut: _I'm Super Astronaut Carmen Electra, anybody want to take a space trip!_

Tony: I do! I do!

Chloe: But Tony! Don't go! I love you!

Carmen: I love you more Tony!

Chloe: I'll fight you!

Carmen: Bring it!

Carmen Electra and Chloe go at it and fall into a giant tub of 'Cool Whip'. –SPLAT!-

Chloe slaps Tony.

Chloe: _Will you snap out of it, you moron!_

Tony: Sorry.

4:31:11, Nadia is still locked in the women's restroom / Sherry is looking onto the floor from the 2nd story office / Bill and Milo are pulling up to the mansion / Jack is still failing miserably.

Lucky: Okay, you pushed the boy in front of the bus; You let the old woman get picked up by the vulture; you let the other kid get eaten by an elephant; you let my hometown be destroyed by dark elves; you racked up my cell phone bill to $87,432.10; and finally you let my computer get infected with the _'Gwen Stefani Virus'._

Gwen Stefani appears on Lucky's computer.

Gwen: MWA HA HA! I am now the queen of this land! _Harajuku Girls, ATTACK!_

Gwen and her army of Harajuku girls parade around the computer screen deleting crap.

Gwen: MWA HA HA!!!

Lucky: Okay, you're sucking, quite badly. This is the final test. So you better pass it.

Jack: Okay.

Lucky: You have to go 5 seconds without swearing.

Jack: How is that an act of heroism?

Lucky: 5 seconds on the clock.

Jack: Oh! Okay.

Lucky: And……GO!

Jack: ……

Lucky: ……

Jack: ……

Lucky: …….

A bird craps on Jack's head.

Jack: DAMMIT!

Lucky: UGH! Okay, one more time. 5 seconds on the clock. And……..GO!

A bird craps on Jack's head again.

Jack: DOUBLE DAMMIT!

Lucky: Let's just try something else. Um………….you have to Reenact all the dance scenes from 'Footloose'!

Jack: YES! I was hoping we'd get to this one.

Jack starts to dance.

Jack (singing): _Let's hear it for the boy_……_let's give the boy a haaaaaaaand_.

Lucky: STOP! FAIL! No no no no no!

Jack: What?

Lucky: Man, you're worse than that one guy on American Idol who sung 'I got you babe' by Cher.

Jack whistles nervously.

Lucky: Oh man, that was you!? –sigh- Forget the trials.

Jack: WHAT!? But I have to save Audrey! Please, give me another chance!

Lucky: NO!

Jack: I'll be really good this time! Pretty please!

Lucky: Okay, there is ONE other way you can save your friend. But I might warn you….it's dangerous.

Jack: I better not do it then.

Lucky: Just do it, you wuss. Here….

Jack: What's this?

Lucky: These are directions how to get to a house where a horrible beast lives. You must slay this beast by 7:00 tonight.

Jack: Oh, that's probably what the doctor was talking about.

Lucky: Yea.

Jack: If that's so, what was the point of the tests?

Lucky: They're supposed to be FAR easier than doing the whole 'slay the beast' thing, but unfortunately, you're an idiot. So good luck, you'll need it. Ta ta!

Lucky disappears. –POOF-

Jack: Allright…….it's time……….

Jack scurries back to his car to head to the home of the hideous beast.

4:36:01, Karen seeks refuge at an IHOP.

Karen: Whew. Uh oh, I don't want to be spotted. Better go undercover.

A waitress walks by. Karen knocks her unconscious with a coffee pot and changes into her clothes.

Karen: Hmm…..this place is open 24/7 huh? I guess I didn't need to go undercover. Oh well.

Manager: SALLY! YO SALLY!

Karen: Yes! That's me!

Sally: Janet, don't be stupid. That's not your name!

Karen: Oh right…..I'm Janet.

Sally walks off.

Karen: I guess I can hide out here and try to avoid those waitresses. Hmm, and the fact that nobody knows what the Head of the Department of Homeland Security looks like kinda insults me a little. Oh well……ooooh pancakes!

Karen sits down at a booth next to a couple.

Woman: Uh….hey, we're sitting here!

Karen: I am too! We're going to be great friends. Can you pass me the butter, chief?

The man passes Karen the butter as she slathers her pancakes with it.

Karen whistles as she finishes her pancakes.

Karen: So get this, I run into Barbara Johnson at the mall today. I tell you one thing girlfriend, she looks damn fine for just having 11 kids.

The Manager walks up to Karen.

Manager: -ahem-

Karen: Uh…..hey, I'm sitting here.

The manager scowls at Karen.

Karen: ……pancake? (She holds up her fork).

4:39:10, back at the mansion.

Mandy: Well, I'm glad we at least get a couple of lines.

Ima: No kiddin.

Mandy: So what are we supposed to do now? Logan's been in that office for a while.

Ima: Say what's this?

Mandy and Ima enter a room that is has an extremely tall ceiling ending up to a ceiling fan.

Ima picks up a bottle on the counter.

Ima: Hmm….._'Fizzy Lifting Drinks'_. I'm curious….

Mandy: Try it.

Ima: I'm scared.

Mandy: Do I need to start calling you '_Ima Scared'_?

Ima: Very funny.

Mandy: I'll try it.

Mandy grabs the bottle and takes a swig.

Mandy: Tastes like crap.

Ima: I wanna try.

Ima tries some of the soda as well.

Ima: Yes……it blows.

Mandy: Okay, let's find Logan so we can get the hell outta……what the….

Mandy starts to left off of the ground.

Mandy: ACK!

Ima starts to slowly rise off the ground too.

Ima: What was that stuff?!

Mandy and Ima are floating to the top of the ceiling.

Mandy: Hey, this is fun!

Mandy does a mid-air flip.

Ima: Yea, this is great! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Mandy: I wonder when it wears off.

Ima: ACK! MANDY!

Mandy: What?

They look up toward the ceiling. To the giant fan that is spinning.

Mandy: We're going to be chopped up!

Ima: This isn't pleasant!

Mandy: Hey, I got it! Burp!

Ima: No, that's rude!

Mandy: Uh……fan?

Ima burps once and instantly falls to the floor.

Ima: AAAAAAAAHHHH –SPLAT!-

Mandy burps as well, slowly making her way to the ground.

Mandy: Whew, that was close.

Ima: OW!...that hurt.

Mandy: Let's get the hell out of here…..

4:44:44, at the press conference.

Tom finally transforms into _Sailor Moon_.

Tom: Okay, Mr. Australian President! Prepare to meet your maker! And…..uh……

Noah and Tom are the only ones standing at the stage.

Tom: Where did he go?

Noah: He left 30 minutes ago because he didn't feel like standing here while you pranced around like a ninny. Now come on, we have to get back to the White House and see what we are going to do about Jack Bauer.

Tom rips off his Sailor Scout clothes and back into his normal ones.

Noah: If we sacrifice Jack, the terrorists will win. If we don't Australia will declare war……..I don't know……what do you think?

Tom: Hmmm……..

4:45:22, Noah and Tom head back to the motorcade / Nadia is banging at the women's restroom door / Jack stops for some gas / Bill and Milo are standing outside the mansion.

Bill: Here we are.

Milo: Yes.

Bill: Okay, what's our plan?

Milo: Uh…..I was kinda hoping that you would be the one who would cover that.

Bill: Okay…..I have a plan.

Milo: That was fast….

Bill: Here.

Bill lays out a blueprint of the mansion.

Milo: How the hell did you get that?!

Bill: We enter through the west window. Make our way down this corridor and stop at the snack machine. Then we will make our way up the stairs where there is a dungeon on the left where Chloe is, I will reenact as many dance scenes 'Footloose' as I can to distract the guard while you take his keys and free Chloe. I will kill the guard, and we will escape through the trash chute. We will escape and make our way to the nearby 'Denny's.

Milo: Okay, that's enough.

Bill: I will get a 'Moons Over My Hammy', and you can order whatever you want. Nothing for Chloe though.

Milo: Okay, Bill….

Bill: After we eat we will make our way to _'Chuck E. Cheese's'_ to play some of the games and destroy as many of the mascots as we possibly can. Then we take a nap….then we…..

Milo: Can we just get going?

Bill: Okay……uh oh, I just forgot what we were supposed to do.

Milo: Well, that's okay, we can go by the blueprint.

Bill: Uh oh, _this is a blueprint to Elton John's house! _

Milo: Great! Now what!?

Bill: Will have to go through the front door…

Milo: What? You have to be kidding me! We'll be killed…

Bill: Unless if they don't know it's us. Look….

Bill notices a couple of Girl Scouts making their way to the front door.

Bill: Let's get them!

Milo: Uh Bill….

Bill runs out from the car, Milo follows.

Bill: BONZAI!

The Girl Scouts pull out their guns.

Milo: EEEEK!

Bill: Run away!

Bill and Milo take cover behind the car as the Girl Scouts open fire.

Bill: Hmmmm…..that didn't work.

Milo: You think?!

Bill: How are we going to get in there? We're running out of time.

Milo: That's Jack's line….

Bill: I need a moment to think……..Hopefully I'll have something after the split screen.

And with that the screen shrinks down at 4:53:04, Bill is thinking about is next strategy as Milo sits on the ground / Nadia is lying on the women's restroom floor / Audrey is still unconscious / Sherry is walking down the steps from the office / Morris' eyes are blood shot from playing to much 'Donkey Kong' / Michelle is calling Nadia's name over the intercom / Kim is lying down on a very nice bed in her 'cell' / Tony tries to spoon his way out while Chloe keeps watch / Baxter is walking down a hallway / Logan regains consciousness after falling down the trap door / Mandy and Ima are still wandering the halls / Karen is wiping down tables at the IHOP / Jack is driving down the road.

Nadia sits up, she looks around for anything to use to get herself out.

Nadia: Man, if I had a quarter for every time I got myself locked in a bathroom…..

Voice: Help……help me…..

Nadia: Huh?

Nadia slowly creeps to the one bathroom stall that's closed. She reluctantly puts her hand up to the door and shoves it open.

Nadia: Hmm…..nothing here…..

A mysterious hand comes out of nowhere and clamps a rag with chloroform over her nose and mouth. Nadia struggles for a couple of seconds before she slumps to the ground. The assailant picks Nadia up and carries her out of the bathroom.

At the mansion, Bill looks back over the car.

Bill: Allright, we have a way in.

Bill and Milo sneak up on a couple of _Storm troopers_ who were selling candy door to door for a 'Death Star Fundraiser'.

ST Bob: Man, I hate doing this.

ST Adam: Yes, but what are you going to do.

Bill and Milo knock out the Storm Troopers and put on their uniforms, including their helmets.

A guard answers the door.

Bill: Trick Or Treat!

Guard: ……….enter.

Bill: Hmm….._that was easy_. See Milo, I'm good at this….

Milo: Yea yea…….

At CTU, Sherry is confronted by a rather large, muscular bald headed man wearing an earring.

Sherry: Oh crap, Division again!?

Man: No. Director Palmer, my name is _Clean._ _Mr. Arnold Clean_.

Sherry: Uh……can I help you?

Mr. Clean: Yes, Mrs. Palmer, I am here to conduct _A Health Inspection_.

Sherry: GAH!

Michelle: AGH!

Morris: YES! Beat the game! Take that, Bill! (starts doing a little dance) _Go Morris! Go Morris! It's your birthday, dahling. Go me!_

Mr. Clean: I would hope that this place gets a good score…..or I'm going to have to shut down CTU…..for good.

Sherry looks at Michelle, who is shocked.

At the Mansion Prison.

Tony: It's no use.

Chloe: Well, can't say I'm surprised.

A guard enters.

Guard: Well, our job here is finished, so we have no use for you two.

Tony: Are you guys hiring?

Guard: Shut up. Well, have fun. They're all yours Baxter.

Tony: Uh oh.

Chloe: Who?

Baxter walks into the cell….licking his lips.

Tony: Baxter, you look delighted to see us. Did you just have a big meal?

Baxter: I'm about to.

Chloe: Oh no! He's going to eat us!...What the hell?…._he talks?!_

Baxter moves in closer to Tony and Chloe.

Tony: Uh! Come on Bax, you don't want to eat us…..especially Chloe….who's _extremely bitter._

Chloe (scowling): _I hope he eats you first!_

Tony: Back! Bad kitty!...

Chloe: I can't help to think that this is Jack's fault somehow.

Jack zooms by on the road.

Jack: Okay……going to slay the hideous beast at……huh!?

Jack is coming up on the view of…..

Jack: Agatha's House?! What the _Shrek_ is going on? The beast lives here? I better call that stupid Leprechaun and ask some….

-CRASH-

Jack: OOF!

Jack realizes that another car is trying to drive him off the road. Jack tries to turn the wheel and push his way back, the other car slams into Jack's car from the side again. His car veers off of the road and flips over several times before landing upside down in a ditch. Jack passes out in the seat……..

The car that ran him off turns back around and drives to the scene. The driver gets on a cell phone and dials a number.

Driver: It's been done…….Bauer shouldn't be a problem anymore _Mr. President_.

The presidential Motorcade zooms by, on it's way back to the White House.

Noah (on the phone): Good…….you did well………

Noah hangs up the phone……..

Tom: Did he do it?

Noah: Yes………

Tom: I hope it was the right thing to do.

Noah: We had no choice.

Tom: Should I change into _Sailor Moon_?

Noah: Please don't…..

4:59:57

4:59:58

4:59:59

5:00:00

Paul: _'24 On Ice'_ was a hit!

Fred: How the hell did that happen?!

Paul: I'm just that good.

Fred: Well, at least we don't have to deal with that anymore…

Paul: Are you kidding? I signed us up for this upcoming season. We're contracted to do 100 shows in all 50 states!

Fred: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Paul: I KNOW! I'm excited too!

NEXT TIME: ON 24!

-SWOOSH-

_This Summer, Jack Bauer will star in the most thrilling movie of the year._ _THE GRUDGE 3_.

Jack enters a creepy old house.

Jack: Hello? I'm here to take care of an old woman!

Cheng Zhi: Hello, Mr. Bauer!

Jack: Oh crap, not you again!

Cheng: I believe we have some unfinished business, seeing how you killed our Consul.

Jack: Okay, first off, that was like, 9 years ago, get over it! Second, I didn't kill him; your guards just don't know how to aim a gun. And third, stop bugging me, it's really annoying.

Jack turns around to see a small child.

Child: Meow…..

Jack: Okay, I just wet myself……

-SWOOSH-

Bill and Milo are studying some security monitors.

Milo: Look!

They see Kim Bauer imprisoned.

Milo: Who is that!?

Bill: That's Kim Bauer, you should know that.

Milo: She's…..beautiful….

Bill: Well Milo……_she is your sister_……_and I am your father_.

Milo: WHAT?!

Bill: HA! I'm just messin with ya!

-SWOOSH-

Wink Martindale: Okay Jack Bauer, your team can win the million dollars! But you have to complete this final challenge. _You must sing every song on the 'Footloose' soundtrack._

Jack: OH! It's a dream come true! _With pleasure, Wink!_

Chloe: _Do you just hate America!?_

Jack: How rude…..

ANOTHER BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK……beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……..


	11. 5:00pm 'Cursed'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Elvis impersonators were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 11

5:00pm-6:00pm 'Cursed'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Paul: It's that time of season again!

Sam: Yay!

Fred: That's right! It's time for '_Fan Appreciation Week'_ here on 24!

Paul: Woot!

Fred: You the fans write to us and give us episode ideas and if yours is the best we use that idea for the show this week!

Paul: And I have the winning idea in my hand right now!

Fred: Uh……what? You already chose one? I didn't even get to read it yet!

Paul: Yeah, I hope it's a good one.

Fred: _You haven't even read it yet!?_

Paul: And here we go…..

----FAN LETTER----

Dear Fox writers,

I love the show, but Karen is the only one I like. So this episode, kill off everybody and let the plot focus just on Karen, thanks. Hugs and Kisses!

Stinky Susie,

Age 5

---------FIN---------

Fred: Oh great…..

Paul: hmmmm…….Ok…..it can be done!

Fred: I feel an illness coming on…

-LATER-

Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…..bepbepbepbepbpebpebpepbe…...THE KAREN HAYES SHOW!!!

Karen: That's me!

-SWOOSH-

Announcer: _The New Adventures Of Old Karen Hayes is filmed in front of a live studio audience!_

Karen: WHAT!? How rude! Why I oughtta….

7:00:01….Karen's House.

Karen: Yum, breakfast!

Karen opens her fridge.

Karen: NO MILK!!!! I better get to the store!

Karen runs to her car.

Karen: I locked my keys in my car. Better run for it.

9:45:22 Karen is panting while running to the store / A jug of milk waits on the shelf / The clerk sits at the counter / CTU explodes. –KABOOM!-

Karen: God, that took forever! _Why do I live so far away from the grocery store?_ Oh well.

Karen runs in.

Karen: The last milk!

Karen runs up there and reaches for the jug the same exact time as Nadia.

Nadia: My milk!

Karen: Not so fast!

Karen pulls out two machine guns and mows down Nadia. –RATTATTATATATATAATTATTAT-

Nadia falls, Karen catches the milk.

Karen: Score one for Karen!

The cops arrive and arrest her.

Karen: Oh crap.

12:34:22, The State Prison.

Announcer: _The Karen Hayes Show is filmed in front of a live studio audience!_

Karen: You said that already!

A judge walks by.

Judge: Death Penalty by the way!

Karen: Oh crap.

Karen grabs a spoon.

Karen: It's the only way.

1:49:22, Karen is digging / The guards are confused / Nadia wakes up / Jack runs into the grocery store.

Karen: Free at last!

Karen runs back home.

4:55:57, Karen's house.

Announcer: _Golden Girls is filmed in front of a live studio…_

Karen: Shut up already!

Karen busts through the door. –WHAMP!-

Karen: Oh no, I forgot my milk! It's almost dinner time though…..what should I do!?

The screen shrinks down at 4:55:59, Karen sits in her living room / The guards get some hounds ready to track down Karen's scent / Nadia and Jack walk out of the store / The clerk closes up shop / The jug of milk is spilt all over the floor of the store / Bill is taking a nap…..

Karen: Uh……

…..Milo creates a scrapbook / Morris and Chloe watch a 'Chuck Norris' marathon / The terrorists are on their way and are up to no good….

Karen: We don't need this many screens..._.it's getting a little crowded in here_….hello? HELLO!?

….Sherry gives herself a manicure / Doyle and Audrey play a few rounds of Poker / Noah and Tom are also taking a nap / Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown just as he goes to kick it.

Charlie Brown: AAAARRRGH!

Charlie Brown falls and breaks his neck. –SNAPPITY!-

Lucy: Charlie Brown, _You Blockhead!_

Karen: -sigh-

4:59:57

4:59:58

4:59:59

5:00:00

Paul: …..

Fred: …..

Sam: …..

Fred: Okay, no more 'Fan Appreciation Weeks'….

Sam: Agreed.

Paul: You would think Charlie Brown would learn to stop trying to kick the football…..moron….

Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….bepbepbepbepbepbpepbepbepbep…..24!!!!!

Audrey: Previously on '_That's So 24_!'

-SWOOSH-

Kim: ACK! We're being kidnapped! (KIM BAUER)

Kim: How could you turn us over to the terrorists, Baxter?! Especially when _I'm carrying your baby!_

Baxter: WHAT!?

Tony (chowing down on popcorn): _Oh no she di-iint!_ (TONY ALMEIDA)

-SWOOSH-

Tom: Mr. President, we have to find a way to please Australian President Harry Love, and not take Jack out of the field. We have to stop these terrorist, whoever they are and whatever they're doing.

Cut to Agatha sitting in a leather chair stroking her Persian cat.

Agatha: Excellent! MWA HA HA! (AGATHA BAUER)

Noah: We might have no choice… (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

Jack's car flies off the bridge and upside down in a trench, Jack passes out. (JACK BAUER'S CAR)

Driver: It's been done… (MYSTERIOUS DRIVER)

-SWOOSH-

Nadia: I've been stuck in this bathroom for the entire episode! Surely there's something crucial to the plot in store for Nadia! (NADIA YASSIR)

A hand clamps over Nadia's mouth, she's getting kidnapped (THE MYSTERIOUS HAND)

Sherry: If that stupid health inspector fails us, which he will, CTU will be shut down and everybody on Earth will die…… (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Morris: Don't worry, Dahling. Morris has got it under control.

Morris removes a tube from his desk.

Morris: With this _Blow Dart_ filled with tranquilizer juice, he'll be out in no time flat.

Morris puts the tube in his mouth and takes a breath. –SHOINK-

Morris: URK! CHOKE!

Morris falls to the ground.-CRASH-

Michelle: You were supposed to breathe in _before _blowing into the tube, you idiot!

-SWOOSH-

Karen: I have to hide somewhere! Oh, better get ready for my close-up! (KAREN HAYES, THE STAR OF THE SHOW)

Jack: No she's not!

Karen: Shh! Uh oh, better seek refuge in this IHOP.

Karen runs in.

Manager: You work here now.

Karen: Oh goody.

-SWOOSH-

Logan: Okay, were here. (CHARLES LOGAN AND FRIENDS)

Chloe gets thrown into a cell.

Mysterious Silhouette: You failed me for the last time, Logan!

Logan falls through a trap door, probably to his demise.

Logan: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Bill and Milo walk through the hall of Agatha Bauer's mansion.

Milo: It's Showtime! Let's raise some hell! YEAH!

Bill: Right!

Someone fires a gun. –BANG-

Milo: EEEP!

Milo jumps in Bill's arms.

Milo: I startled.

Bill: I noticed….

Tony: The following takes place between 5:00pm and 6:00pm….what the!? Baxter, quit gnawing on my leg, we haven't got to that scene yet!

Baxter: Sorry.

A car is flipped upside down in a ditch since our last episode.

Jack slowly gains consciousness as his hands motions toward the belt buckle red button release lock thingy. – 2 creativity points.

Jack lets himself loose as he tries to move around the crushed vehicle. His hand bumps into the radio.

Radio (blaring): _Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleeeeon!_

Jack: Oh god…..

He whaps the radio. –WHAP!-

Announcer: Now, here's the Backstreet Boys!

Backstreet Boys (singing): _Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleeeeon!_

Jack: UGH!

Jack hits the radio again. –WHAP!-

Announcer: Now here's The Spice Girls pretending to be The Backstreet Boys!

Spice Girls (in low British accents): _Karma Karma Karma!_

Jack: AAAHH!

Jack pulls out his gun and shoots the radio. –KA BANG!-

Jack: I think someone is trying to kill me.

Meanwhile, At CTU!

Sherry is pissed.

Sherry: I'm pissed!

Ugh….

Sherry walks up to Morris and Michelle.

Sherry: This stupid health inspector couldn't have shown up at a more inconvenient time!

Morris: Seriously, dahling!

Michelle: Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

Sherry: Maybe….

Mr. Clean (The Health Inspector) shows up.

Mr. Clean: I have your results…..

Sherry: Take _these _results!

Michelle: I hope she's not going to flash him!

Sherry pulls a giant lever; Mr. Clean falls down through a trap door.

Mr. Clean: Noooooooooooo! –Splat!-

Sherry: We win!

Michelle: Sherry, you're so awesome!

Morris: You're my hero, dahling! Let us be your personal slaves!

Michelle: Sherry Palmer, we herby declare you _President Of Earth!_

Sherry: Excellent!

Money starts flying from the ceiling as Sherry rolls around in it.

-Yeah Right-

Michelle: You can snap out of it now.

Sherry: A girl can dream, a girl can dream…..

Mr. Clean comes up.

Mr. Clean: Well, I'm done with the 1st floor offices.

Morris: Yeah?! Well, we're not going to take any of your crap! Come on Sherry, _show him the goods_!

Sherry and Michelle glare at Morris.

Morris: Oh……this isn't another hallucination, is it?

Michelle: Uh, no.

Morris: I'm going to walk away now.

Michelle: That would be best.

Morris waddles over to his chair and sits down.

Michelle: Mr. Clean, may I ask you…..

Morris: Michelle! _I sent you a friend request on Myspace! _Did you get it yet?

Michelle: _SHUT UP, MORRIS_! Anyway, why did you come now, of all times?!

Mr. Clean: I got a disturbance call, from what I assume was a disgruntled employee.

-Flashback-

Stinky Susie (from accounting): Yes, the place is a pig sty. It's just unsanitary! You should inspect!

Mr. Clean: I will, Stinky Susie! I will…..

Mr. Clean hangs up and runs out the door.

Susie: Heh heh heh. That'll teach them for firing me!

-Fin-

Michelle: _Stinky Susie!?_ Give me a break; she got fired, like, 46 episodes ago! Nobody cares about her!

Morris: I believe she was just only in one of the 'Misadventures Of The '24' writers' segment.

Mr. Clean: Regardless, I have a job to do.

Morris: _Flash him now, Sherry dahling!_

Michelle and Sherry: _Shut up, Morris!_

5:07:22, at Agatha Bauer's house.

Tony: In the prison where we are about to get eaten….

Baxter puts a bib on.

Tony: ACK!

Chloe: You, talking cat! You do not want to eat us!

Tony: Man, I wished we had someone here to save us!

Chloe: …..

Baxter: …….(sharpens his knives)

Tony: uh…..I said….'I wish we had someone here to save us!'

Chloe: ………what are you doing?

Tony: Well, when I say that, Jack should burst into the room and save loyal cast members Tony and Chloe, right?!

Chloe: ……You know that's a load of bull, right?

Tony: I know, we're as good as dead!

Underdog flies in.

Underdog: _There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!_

Tony: YAY!

Guard: Hey! Visiting Hours are over pal! You'll have to come back tomorrow.

Underdog: Oh, sorry. Well, bye now!

Tony: Wait, no! Don't go!

Chloe: Crap!

Chloe bangs her head against the wall.

Baxter slowly approaches Tony.

Tony: Oh! You're going to eat me first, huh! We'll….fine! I see how it is.

Baxter leans up against Tony.

Baxter: Here….

Baxter hands him a key.

Tony: Uh…..

Baxter: Now, you two get ready to run for it.

Baxter turns around and jumps on the guard. –POUNCE!-

Guard: ACK!

Tony bolts out of the cell.

Chloe: HEY! What about me!?

Tony (yelling back): _I wish you the best of luck, friend!_

Chloe: WHAT?! Get your butt back here!

5:12:11, back at Agatha's Mansion……well……_in another part of Agatha's Mansion._

Kim is locked in a bedroom.

Kim: Oh this sucks….now what am I going to do?

There's a knock at the door.

-KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!-

Kim: Who is it?

Beast: It's me, _The Beast!_ Come down for dinner!

Kim: NO!

Beast: You better, or bad stuff will happen to you!

Kim: Bring it!

Beast: RAWR!

He storms off.

Kim: Boo hoo!

Kim jumps on the bed; suddenly the dresser starts to talk.

Dresser: _Don't cry, my child!_

Kim: ACK!

Dresser: What?

Kim: You can talk?! Talking furniture!? That's insane! I've never heard of something so unrealistic and preposterous in the world of '24'….

Meanwhile, Tony, Chloe, and _Baxter The Talking Cougar_….

Kim: HEY! _I'm not done with my scene yet, bastards!_

Dresser: All you need is some clothes!

Kim: NO! I'm not dancing with that hideous beast.

Dresser: Hmm…..well…..

Kim: What?

Dresser: He's not really a beast!

Kim: Uh……

Dresser: He is put under a spell…..a horrible curse.

Kim: I couldn't care less….

Dresser: Here's what went down….

Kim: Ugh….

Dresser: The beast used to be a beautiful prince….

Kim: _'Beautiful'?_

Dresser: He was the handsomest prince in all the land. And he lived in this house with his servants.

Kim: _Isn't this Agatha Bauer's house?_

Dresser: I'm getting there, hold your horses!

Kim: Oh, sorry.

Dresser: Anyway, one day an evil witch came to visit the house. She was selling…..I don't know, let's say makeup.

Kim: WAS THE WITCH AGATHA BAUER!?

Dresser: Shut your yap and let me finish the story, dammit!

Kim: Whoops….go on.

Dresser: The witch was offering her makeup……

Kim: What kind of makeup did she have?

The Dresser opens one of her doors and shoots a jockstrap at Kim's face. –SPLAT!-

Kim: EW! Gross…..

Dresser: Don't interrupt me again!

Kim: Fine!

Dresser: Uh……oh crap, I lost my place. I hope you're happy!

Kim: Witch was offering makeup.

Dresser: Oh, right. Anyway, the witch was offering makeup and the Prince goes…

-FLASHBACK-

Prince: Makeup?! I don't want any of your makeup you hideous hag!

Witch: Hag?! How dare you, don't judge people by their appearance. I'll cast a curse on you now!

Prince: A Curse?!

Witch: Is there an echo in here….yeesh.

Prince: Get lost!

Witch: You will see what it's like to be ugly.

The witch pulls out a wand and casts a spell.

Witch: _Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I was an ugly, and now you will be ugly now!_

Prince: That doesn't rhyme! God, you're a sucky witch!

-ZAP-

-FIN-

Dresser: And the evil witch put a curse on the Prince and all of his servants, including me!

Kim: Sorry I wasn't paying attention, can you start all over?

Dresser: And that witch is……..AGATHA BAUER!

_DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUHN!_

Kim: Uh, hello? I assumed that already! But you still didn't answer my question on how this is Agatha's house!

Dresser: She magically made the house hers, and she moved in.

Kim: That's all!?

Dresser: She's a witch, she can do anything!

Kim: Question, if she's a witch, why is she working for the terrorists? Couldn't she just turn everybody in the world into a broom, or a toaster, or a _George Foreman grill_, or whatever!

Dresser: She lost her witchy powers the following day.

Kim: What a lame ass excuse!

Dresser: I just tell the stories.

Kim: Ugh….

Dresser: There is ONE way to break the spell.

Kim: What spell?

Dresser: The curse on the beast.

Kim: What beast?

Dresser: _The one we've been talking about, you dolt!_

Kim: Oh.

Dresser: In the west wing of the house, there is a rose that is losing its petals. If the beast's true love tells says she loves him by the time the final petal falls, the spell will be broken. If not, they will be doomed forever!

Kim: Why would Agatha keep such an item _in her own house!?_

Dresser: Stop asking stupid questions!

Kim: Well……just sayin….

Dresser: Now, I'm asking you. Go eat dinner, fall in love with the beast, and live happily ever after!

Kim: WHAT!? I don't even love the beast….wait…..do you want me to do this so that _you_ can be freed?

Dresser: Well, duh.

Kim: Fine…..whatever.

Dresser: Wear this.

The dresser shoots out a yellow dress towards Kim.

Kim: OOF!

5:18:01, Kim is getting dressed for dinner / Jack is wandering about outside the wreckage / Sherry and Michelle brainstorm while Morris eats a snow cone / Karen proceeds to wait on tables at IHOP

Karen: Meanwhile, at IHOP, Karen was waiting on tables and having a crappy time!

Manager: Who are you talking to?

Karen: Nobody! So boss, did I earn my pay?

Manager: Uh, it hasn't even been 30 minutes!

Karen: Oh, it's one of _those jobs_.

Manager: Go wait on those people.

Karen turns around to see the maids who were chasing her; they sit down at a table.

Karen: EEP!

Manager: Well, go already.

Karen: Uh…..uh…..

Manager: Go on!

The manager pushes Karen.

Karen slowly walks toward the table. She quickly grabs a woman's scarf off her neck.

Woman: GARG! BLECH! CHOCK!

Karen: Sorry, I need this.

Karen wraps the scarf around her, and masks her voice. She approaches the table with the maids.

Karen (in a high squeaky pitched voice): Helloo!

Maid: Uh, you look familiar.

Karen: Nonsense! May I take your order?

Maid 2: Okay….um…..I'll have an order of pancakes.

Karen: Sorry, we don't have pancakes here.

Maid 2: _You're the International House Of Pancakes!_

Karen: Uh….uh…..sorry, don't speak English. Bye now!

Karen runs off. The maids are confused.

5:21:04, at the White House.

Noah sits down in his chair. Tom comes in.

Tom: Mr. President, we have the photo of Jack's 'accident'.

Noah: Good, good. All we have to do is send that picture to the Australian president. He'll call off the war since he'll think Jack is dead, and Jack can continue to stop the terrorists!

Tom: Whoopty doo!

Noah (pointing): _To the teleconference room!_

Noah and Tom run over to two poles, one labeled 'President' and one labeled 'Tom'. They jump on the poles and slide down to a room far underneath the earth's surface.

Noah: Where the hell are we?

Tom: I don't know. The teleconference room was right next door to the oval office.

Noah: WHAT!? Why didn't you tell me that before we slid down practically to the center of the earth!

Tom: Uh….

Noah: Now how the hell do we get up back up?

Tom: We climb?

Noah: I think it's time we used an emergency 'break the 24 real time format' law.

Tom: Sounds good to me!

24 WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Chloe is dressed like a caveman.

Chloe: Why am I the one that always gets duped into these stupid scenarios!

Jack: Save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico! _It's so easy, a caveman can do it!_

Chloe: Wow, that does sound easy.

Director: CUT!

Chloe: WHAT!?

Director: You are a caveman, he just made a derogatory comment about your kind, you are pissed! And must seek justice for this horrible act!

Chloe: Whatever!

Meanwhile, on _The People's Court_.

Announcer: This is _Caveman O'Brian_.

Chloe: -sigh-

Announcer: She's a caveman that has been offended and humiliated with this stupid Geico commercial that just won't go away!

Chloe: Arg! _Leggo My Eggo!_...WHAT!? I can't believe you just made me say that! Cut that part out…..

Announcer: And this is Jack Bauer, he's the man responsible for these commercials. O'Brian is suing for _Eleventy Billion Dollars_!

Chloe: Good grief!

Real Cases, Real Litigants, This is 'THE PEOPLE'S COURT!'.

Chloe: Can we _please_ get back to the show? This costume is itchy.

WE'RE NOW BACK TO 24!

Noah: Wow, that was some climb!

Tom: I know! I'm beat.

Noah and Tom walk into the next room and sit down at a conference table with the huge teleconference screen.

Noah: Okay…..

Lt. Commander Data: Captain, I'm getting a distress signal.

Tom: Where the hell did _he_ come from!?

Noah: On screen.

Klingon: Captain Daniels, you will surrender all of your entire crew's supply of '_Red Bull and Cheetos!'_ or we will fire at will!

Noah: You must have the wrong number, get me the Australian President!

Klingon: You left me no choice! Fire Photon Torpedoes!

Tom: ACK!

-BOOM!-

The camera shakes violently as Tom and Noah fly out of their chairs.

Tom: OOF!

Noah: Australian President! NOW!

The channel changes to Harry Love, The Australian President.

Harry: Hello, President Daniels. Any updates on Bauer?

Noah: Jack Bauer is dead!

Harry: Again?

Noah: Here is the proof!

Noah submits the picture into a scanner and Harry receives the picture on his end.

Harry: This is a picture of Mr. Lennox _singing at a karaoke bar!_

Noah: WHAT!?

Tom: Ah, good times.

Noah: Sorry, here's the actual picture.

Harry receives the picture and looks it over with a magnifying glass.

Harry: I'm convinced; I'm calling off the war!

Noah: Whew! That was easy…

Noah and Tom walk out of the room.

Harry turns off his monitor.

Australian Vice President: Well, that's the end of that I guess.

Harry: I'm not 100 convinced.

AVP: Oh?

Harry: Something doesn't add up…………they haven't heard the last of Australia!

AVP: Oh boy….

5:27:11, once again back at Agatha Bauer's house.

Bill and Milo are running through the halls.

Bill: Great! We're lost.

Milo: Don't worry! I have the map right here…..oh…..no this is a map of _The Addams' Family's_ house.

Bill: Wonderful!

Enemy Storm troopers: Hey! There they are! Imposters!

Milo: What?

Bill: Oh crap, we're still in these suits!

Milo: Oh yea, why didn't we put their helmets on?

Bill: Forget it! Run!

Bill and Milo take off down the hallway; they reach a fork in the road.

Bill: Let's go left!

The start to swing around the left corner when they crash into Baxter, Tony, and Chloe.

Bill: ACK!

Tony: OOF!

Chloe: Owie….

Bill: Hey, you guys are okay!

Tony: Yeah, no thanks to _Simba _here! He was about to eat us!

Baxter: I told you I was sorry. I couldn't blow my cover. That's why I had to turn you over to Agatha's cronies!

Tony: He's an undercover agent trying to take down Agatha's tyranny from the inside.

Bill: Oh. Well, we're being chased….so.

Baxter: This way, up these stairs.

Tony: Right!...wait…..

The others stop.

Tony: You're not leading us to another trap, are you?

Baxter: Tony, if I was still a bad guy, I would have either A) Eaten you already. Or B) Left you in the prison. Most likely A. Can we go now?

Tony: Well….

The Enemy Storm Troopers open fire.

Tony: Yes! You're fine! We trust you now!

Baxter, Tony, Chloe, Bill and Milo rush up a small stairway.

Baxter: I have a chopper waiting for us on the roof. It's a good chopper this time!

Tony: Uh….I'm feeling like we're forgetting something.

Baxter: Oh crap, Kim!

Tony: No that's not it……..Did I leave the stove on when I left home this morning?

Baxter: We have to go back to get Kim!

Bill: Yeah, Jack would be quite peeved if we forgot about her.

Baxter: All I know is that she is been locked away in a private cell on the 4th floor detention level.

Bill: Okay, Chloe, Milo, and I will head there.

Baxter: Right. Me and Tony will proceed to the security room and disable the cameras so the alarm won't go off.

They split up. Tony and Baxter run down one end of the hall, while Bill's team runs to the other end of the corridor where another stairwell awaits.

Milo: I hope nothing bad happens to us.

Chloe: Nice going, Milo. You jinxed us.

Milo: There's no such thing as jinxing.

A trap door opens beneath their feet. Bill, Chloe, and Milo fall through the hole. They scream. –SPLAT!- Then they went splat into a mysterious room.

Milo: Ow.

Chloe: See, Milo! You fool!

Milo: Well, NOW I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen to us.

Chloe: You won't ever learn, will you?

Logan: Hello.

Bill: Great Caesar's Ghost!

Logan: No, it's just me. Charles Logan.

Milo: It's the terrorist! Get him Chloe!

Chloe throws some _Reese's Pieces _in Logan's face.

Milo: Chloe, that was just pitiful.

Chloe: It's all I had in such short notice…..aw, _now I'm out of Reese's Pieces!_

Logan: You don't have to worry about me. I've changed my ways.

Bill: If I had a nickel for every time he said that.

Milo & Chloe: Really….

Logan: Well, you see here's what happened.

Milo: Oh man, I hate stories.

Logan: After my wife Martha tried to kill me back in season 6, I was rushed to the emergency room. I was on the brink of death.

Milo: Then what happened after you got picked up by the ambulance?

Logan: _Who knows?_ But anyway, I was so angry. My hatred led me back into the world of Terrorism. I was working for my boss, the mysterious shadowy figure who I don't even know what he looks like. Then I get an offer to leave the country, start a new life, and everything would have been great. Then Agatha Bauer came along, she was a witch who came to this house and cursed the man living here, along with his servants. She then used her magic to take over the house, but her magic bosses or whatever stripped her of her abilities for using her powers to punish people. So Agatha, having nothing else, resorted to Terrorism and let my boss use her house for operations. He was so pleased with her that he eventually made her his 'number 1' official and cast me and my loyal henchmen off to the side like chopped liver!

Milo: Uh, where are those loyal henchmen by the way?

Logan: Eh, I don't know. They're probably dead by now.

Chloe: That's nice.

Bill: Well at least I finally know what's up with Agatha. I thought she was just another one of Jack's insane family members!

Logan: Well…..

The dresser from Kim's room shows up.

Dresser: Oh, that's what happened! I was trying to tell that rude girl, but I just couldn't remember.

Chloe: You mean Kim?

Dresser: Yes, she's about to go tell the Prince she loves him so she can break the spell and set us free.

Logan: She actually loves him?

Dresser: Well of course not.

Logan: Uh, if she just says that under false pretenses just for the heck of it and doesn't actually mean it. The curse will triple three fold. Chloe will probably transform _into a talking toilet brush!_

Chloe: …which sadly would be the highlight of this season for me.

Logan: What are you doing in here anyway?

Dresser: Agatha found out that I was helping the girl so she _threw me away_.

Milo: 'Threw you away'?!….You mean…?

Chloe: We're in a trash can.

Logan: Worse.

They look around and realize they are in a giant trash compactor.

Bill: Save us, Underdog!

Underdog: There's nothing to fear! Underdog is here!

Tony: Yay.

Underdog: Oh no! I just touched some trash, I'm going to get germs. I better go wash up. Bye Now!

He flies off.

Chloe: -groan-

Logan: We'll we don't have much time left before the compactor starts to go off and we'll be crushed.

Tony gets on an intercom.

Tony (loudspeaker): Hey guys! Found you!

The compactor starts to make a noise and slowly crushing all the trash. –GRUMBLE-

Chloe: Oh, no…..this isn't good.

Tony (on intercom): Did anybody catch _Big Brother_ last night? My Tivo crapped out on me!

Milo: Tony! _Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!_

Tony: Oh no! Baxter, where's the 4th floor detention level.

Baxter: …..

Tony: …..

Baxter: ….the 4th floor….

Tony: Oh, good. See, you're good for something!

Baxter: GRR!

-CRUSHING-

Chloe: Oh…..oh….hurry Tony! Dammit!

Tony: AAAH! Which one is it!?

Baxter: I couldn't tell you.

Tony: Uh….this one!

Baxter: I'd think it over before pushing random buttons, you could put them in more peril than they're already in!

Tony: There's no time……Like my friend Jack Bauer always used to tell me……'Tony, you're the coolest man on Earth. Anything you do…..it's the right thing.'

Chloe: Jack never said that!

Tony: _Shut your face, Chloe!_ You're ruining my moment!

Chloe: You can have your moment later, jerk! We're about to die here!

-CRUSHING-

Tony: Oh right. Hmm……this is tough indeed.

Tony presses a button.

A disco ball lowers into the trash room.

Chloe: Dammit, Tony!

Tony: It's so pretty!

Baxter shuffles around some papers.

Baxter: Found it! This is the button layout. Now, hurry and stop the trash compactors!

Tony: Okay.

Tony hits another button.

Gummi Bears start flooding into the trash room.

Chloe: ACK!

Bill: Finally! Gummi Bears are my favorite!

Baxter: Tony, you're reading the layout _upside down!_ Here…….it's 'that' button.

Tony presses a button again. The trash compactors stop just in time.

Chloe: Whew!

Milo: Ugh……

Logan: …..that was close.

Tony: We did it Baxter!

Baxter: Yay.

Tony jumps and accidentally hits the button. The trash compactors start up again.

Tony: Uh oh.

-MOVING-

Chloe: EEK!

Milo: Tony, what the hell are you doing?!

Tony: Sorry! Sorry!

Tony stops the compactor.

5:35:12, Bill, Milo, Logan, and Chloe crawl out of the trash compactor / Jack is stumbling down the street / Karen is hiding in a bush at IHOP, the maids are pissed / Kim is getting herself ready, and is freshening up in front of a mirror.

Kim: Ok. Here goes.

Kim is wearing a gaudy yellow dress. She leaves her bedroom and makes her way downstairs to the ballroom.

Beast: Hello, Kim. You look good enough to eat!

Kim: Wow, now I feel _even more_ nervous. Let's just get this over with.

Beast: First, we will dance. Then eat. Then you will tell me you love me, and then we'll live happily ever after. The end!

Kim: Ok…..-sigh-

The beast and Kim walk onto the middle of the dance floor, sappy music starts to play.

(Singing)

Old Teapot Woman: _Tale as old as time_………_True as it can be_……

Toaster Oven: _Barely even friends, then somebody bends_…_unexpectedly_.

Toilet: _Just a little change_……_Small to say the least!_

Teapot and Toaster Oven: _Both a little scared_…._sand in underwear_….._Bauer And The Beast!_

Chloe: (God, _even I'm finding this to be in REALLY bad taste.)_

Tony (As a giant Candlestick): _Ever just the saaaaame! Ever a surprriiiiise!_

Tony and Baxter (as a wind up clock): _Ever as before_….._something something something_…._as the sun will riiiise!_

Chloe (As a giant Toilet Brush): _A plot as old as time_…._this whole scene's just plain wrong_…._because of my contract_……_has to remain intact_…._I have to sing this sooong_..._that's really dumb and stupid_….

Tony: _Certain as the sun_……._rising in the east_……

Baxter: _Tale as old as time_……

Chloe: _I really need a new job_…..

All: _Baaauer aaand the Beeeeeaaaast!_

Chloe: Thank God that's over! I can take off this stupid getup!

Chloe rips off her 'Toilet Brush' costume.

Beast: Wow…..

Kim: I know…..that had to have been _the worst song I have ever heard_.

Beast: I agree.

Kim: You know…..you really aren't that bad of a person…..beast….or whatever.

Beast: What are you saying, Kim?

Kim: I'm saying…..I'm saying………..

Beast: …..yes?

Kim: ……I…..

A motorcycle crashes through the main door. Jack takes off his helmet.

Jack: Hey, everybody. It's me…..Jack.

Kim: Dad!

Jack: Hello, daughter. How are you doing today?

Kim: It's been the worst.

Jack: I see you're having a party….._without my permission_.

Kim: Sorry, dad.

Chloe: Did I miss something here?

Logan: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Terrorist! AAAIIIEEE!

Logan: Jack, we had to save your daughter who was held captive by this beast.

Beast: I'm under a spell you know!

Jack: Beast!

Jack hops off his motorcycle.

Jack: I have some unfinished business to take care of.

Jack pulls out a dagger.

Kim: Dad! What are you doing?!

Jack: Kim, I must kill this Beast by 7:00 or Audrey will remain in a coma forever!

Tony: Oh right, I forgot about Audrey. Stupid me…heh heh.

Beast: But, I danced with your daughter, I wasn't going to eat her in which I originally planned.

Jack: Thank you for sparing my daughter's life, _I love you!_

Logan: ACK!

Everyone drops to the floor.

Jack: Not like that, perverts!

Nothing's happening.

Logan: I guess…..nothing did happen, whew.

Jack: Now, Kim, what did you learn today?

Kim: Don't take candy from strangers.

Jack: Unless….

Kim: …..if it's some _really good candy_.

Jack: That's my girl.

Chloe: Okay, I've officially gotten stupider hanging around you people. I'm going home.

Jack: Wait!

Jack looks around.

Jack: Where's the beast?!

Kim: He must have ran off.

Jack: I have to find him, if I don't kill him, Audrey will be in a coma for the rest of forever.

Bill: …….Who want's McDonalds?

Tony: I do!

Baxter: Sounds good.

Chloe: I usually hate their food, but I'll go for anything at this point. I'm starving!

Milo: Yay! Food!

They start to walk off. Jack runs through the hallways trying to find where the beast ran off to.

Agatha is overseeing the spectacle from the level above.

Agatha: Fools……mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

5:41:04 in some dank dark place.

Nadia comes to, awaking from the chloroform attack.

Nadia: -cough- -hack-….ugh…..where the hell am I?

Nadia looks around a bit, she see's a couple of painful torture devices.

Nadia: What the?

Nadia doesn't get too far before she realizes that her leg is chained to the floor.

Nadia: Uh….this isn't good.

Voice: Hello, Nadia.

Nadia: Who's that?!

Voice: My name is _Jigsaw_! I'm here to torture you.

Nadia: Well, that sucks.

Jigsaw: Your leg is chained up, you're more than welcome to let yourself free.

Nadia: Oh goody!

Jigsaw: The saw is right next to you.

Nadia: ……..what?

Jigsaw: Have fun! Tee hee!

Nadia: Ugh……

4:43:12, Nadia picks up the saw / Jack is walking through down a corridor, searching rooms for the beast / Morris and Michelle are arm wrestling / Karen is hiding in the kitchen at IHOP.

Karen: Whoa! This is incredible!

Cook: Uh…….yea?

Karen: _We actually sell pancakes!_ Who knew?

The manager storms in.

Manager: YOU! What the hell are you doing here?!

Karen: Uh…..uh…….

Manager: Those maids have been waiting at that table for about 30 minutes! Now we have to pay for their meal! Get out there and take their order!

Karen: But! But!

Manager: NO BUTS! GO! NOW!

Karen: -grumble-

Karen saunters out of the kitchen area and back over to the table.

Karen: Hi, can I take your order?

Maid: Hey! You're that imposter we were chasing after!

Karen: OH! Oops! _I forgot my disguise! I'm so embarrassed!_...CUT!!!

Karen looks at the director, who holds up a sign reading '_That is part of the script, doofus!_'

Karen: WHAT!? Oh crap…

Maids: GET HER!

The maids grab Karen and drag her out of IHOP.

Karen: Nooooooo! At least let me have a pancake!

5:46:23, Sherry, Morris, and Michelle are up in the 2nd floor glass office.

Sherry: Well, he's almost done with his inspection.

Michelle: We're screwed for sure.

Morris: Yuppers.

Sherry: Well, you never know. Maybe we'll pass. We have to pass!

Mr. Clean, the Health Inspector, knocks on the door.

Morris: I'll get it!

Morris jumps up and hops to the doorway.

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Mr. Clean: You failed…..miserably.

Sherry: Oh come on, it wasn't that bad!

Mr. Clean: It was, and I won't even get into any details because they are so horrific. I'm shutting this place down!

Michelle: Mr. Clean, please! We need to keep this place open so we can stop the terrorists.

Mr. Clean: I'll leave that to a more 'sanitary' Counter Terrorist Unit.

Michelle: Well, I tried.

Mr. Clean: I need to go get some paperwork ready. Director Palmer, I'll need to see you in a little bit.

He walks out of the office. Sherry whams her head on the desk.

Michelle: We can't let this happen!

Sherry: Oh, I have a solution.

Morris: Well, dahling, let's hear it!

Sherry: _Let's kill him!_

Michelle: WHAT?!

Morris: YES!

Michelle: No!

Sherry: Yes!

Michelle: Sherry!

Sherry: We'll kill him, and nobody will be the wiser.

Michelle: No!

Morris: Okay!

Michelle: Morris! Sherry! Stop!

Sherry and Morris stop at the door.

Michelle: We can't kill the man. He's just doing his job; I know he's getting in the way of a federal investigation, but we don't have to _kill the man_!

Morris: Michelle! Snap out of it!

He slaps her! –SMACK!-

Michelle: OW! Morris! What the hell did you do that for?!

Morris: I got caught up in the moment.

Sherry: Michelle, we must do this. If that man compromises our investigation, millions of innocent people will die! I don't know how yet because nothing major has come to our attention, but it will happen.

Mr. Clean pops back in.

Mr. Clean: Oh, and do hurry, Director Palmer, we also must discuss Mrs. Dessler's….uh….very _hussy_ attire that is….'Not Safe For Work'……

He leaves.

Michelle: ….._I'll get the poison._

Morris: I got guns!

Sherry: I have explosives in my desk.

Back at Agatha Manor.

Jack: Come out, Beast! We have to end this!

Jack slowly walks through the halls of the mansion; he catches someone sprinting across the hall. Jack makes haste to the end of the corridor, sprinting up several flights of stairs.

Jack: Get back here!

The screen splits at 5:53:11, Jack is climbing stairs / Kim is relaxing in the ballroom with Bill, Chloe, Milo, Logan, Tony and Baxter / Karen is held captive again in the maid van / Nadia has managed to get free without chopping off her leg, she's stuck in another contraption though / Tom and Noah are sitting in the White House Spa / Sherry, Morris, and Michelle exit the glass office and make their way to Morris' desk to see what they need to do to 'deal' with Mr. Clean / The beast makes it to the rooftop.

The beast looks around outside, the rain is pouring down. He runs to the ledge. Jack makes it to the rooftop.

Jack: Beast!

Beast: Don't try to stop me! I'm going to jump!

Jack: What?! You can't jump, Beast! I have to kill you!

Beast: It's no use, I'm never going to have the spell broken.

Jack: Hmm….(I thought saying 'I love you' back there would've done it.)

Beast: Hmm….it sure is a far way up….maybe I won't jump after all.

Jack: Good….good….now make you're way back here and let me kill you so Audrey can wake up and our hero can have a happy ending for once in the series!

The Beast starts making his way back to Jack, a bolt of lightning flashes past him, striking the Beast, he falls off the Mansion. –ZAP!-

Beast: URK!

Jack: What the!?

Jack spins around….losing his balance, he falls on his butt. Getting back up he notices….

Jack: _Grandmother!_...

Agatha: Hello, cookie! I've come to kill you now!

Jack: But….but……

Agatha: You couldn't leave it alone, could you, Jack?

Jack: No, I'm a meddler, what can I say?

Agatha: But I do thank you though…….you gave me my powers back!

Jack: Uh…..powers?

Agatha: Yes…….Jack, I'm a witch!

Jack: Are you a good witch?...Or a bad witch?...

Agatha: Jack, even I knew that was a stupid question.

Jack: You won't get away with this!

Agatha: You can't stop me, Jackie. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to have to dispose of you now.

Jack: Well………take this!

Jack pulls out a wand.

Jack: _EXPECTO PETRONUM!_

A bright light emits from Jack's wand.

Agatha: Block!

Jack's spell fizzles….

Jack: WHAT!? You can't block that!

Agatha points hers at Jack.

Agatha: _DOOFUS EXPELLUS!_

A bolt shoots from Agatha's wand and sends Jack flying off the side of the roof. –KA ZAP!-

Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Agatha: Hmph!...

She zaps away.

5:59:57

5:59:58

5:59:59

6:00:00

NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW 24…

-SWOOSHERIFIC-

Hansel Almeida and Gretel Dessler approach a gingerbread house.

Tony: Oooh! How fun! A house completely made out of gingerbread!

Michelle: I can't wait to eat it!

Tony takes a bite out of the Mailbox.

Tony (spits): Oh my god! It tastes awful!

Michelle: The house is made of gingerbread, I don't think anything else is, Tony.

Tony: Oh.

Nina Myers, the evil witch, appears.

Nina: Helloo, kiddies! You look good enough to eat!

Michelle: Crap! _You again!?_

Nina: What?

Tony: Seriously, don't you have anything better to do?

Nina: Just get in here! –SWIPE-

Tony: ACK!

Inside, Tony and Michelle are in a giant cooking pot. Nina chops up some carrots.

Tony: It's getting a little hot in here….

Michelle: Tony! Nina Myers is going to have us for dinner!

Tony: Aw, how sweet! I hope she knows how to cook meatloaf!

Michelle: Dammit, Tony, _we're the main course_!

Tony: …..

Michelle: Dinner!

Tony: …..

Michelle: Nina cook Tony and Michelle, Tony and Michelle turn into food, Jack Bauer will probably eat us….._and you know what happens after that!_

Tony: Oh no…….._Are you telling me we're not invited to the dinner!?_

Michelle: God I hate you.

-SWOOSH-

Chloe is standing on the window of a burning building.

Chloe: Eeep!

Jack: CHLOE!

Chloe: Oh, good. Rescue….

Jack: This is Jack Bauer!

Chloe: Well, I'm done for.

Jack: Chloe! You have to jump!

Chloe: I'll burn to a crisp! Thanks anyway!

Jack: Hurry Chloe, the building isn't going to last much longer!

Chloe: -sigh-….okay, here goes.

Chloe jumps off the building………..-SPLAT!-

Jack: Eww! Hmm…..

Jack thinks for a minute.

Jack: OH RIGHT! The giant cushion to _catch the falling people_! Duh, I knew I forgot something! My bad!

Chloe: -groan-

-SWOOSH-

Robbers run out of a bank, they just finished holding up the place. Alarms are going off.

Nadia: Who will stop them?! Where's Superman when we need him!?

The townspeople see something flying through the sky.

Nadia: -gasp- _It's a bird!_

Milo: _It's a plane!_

Nadia: _Its_……_its_…….

A pile of bird crap splats in Nadia's face. –SPLAT!-

Nadia: ……._it was a bird_.

AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF 24…..NEXT WEEK! Beep….beep…..beep……beep…….beep…..


	12. 6:00pm 'The Bauer Witch Project'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Pokemon were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 12

6:00pm – 7:00pm 'The Bauer Witch Project'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

In the writer's room, Fred, Paul, and Sam are throwing a party.

Sam blows a party whistle thing.

Paul: YAY!

Fred: Congratulations, gentlemen! We made it halfway through the season. How we made it this far is nothing short of a miracle.

Sam: So, in honor of this 'milestone', what should we do with '24' this week? It's gotta be something special.

Fred: Well, I was thinking….

Paul: It's been done.

Fred: ……excuse me?!

Sam: OH! Did you use my idea?

Fred: _Your idea?_

Paul: I sure did!

Sam: Oh boy!

Fred: What the hell are you two talking about?!

Paul: Okay, okay. Get this…….._24_……_THE MOVIE!_

Fred: Uh…..

Sam: Yippie! (Throws confetti)

Fred: I don't know. How would a '24 Movie' work exactly?

Paul: Well, we already filmed it while you were on vacation.

Fred: WHAT?! Vacation? I was only gone yesterday. Don't tell me you filmed this…._movie_ in a day!

Paul: Yep. I'm going to show you the trailer!

Paul runs out of the room and returns, wheeling a giant television set in front of Fred.

Fred: I feel sick.

Sam: You're going to love this!

Fred: I think I'm going to hurl.

Paul presses some buttons on the remote.

-PLAYING-

The following movie is rated DC….for _Dangerously Cheesy!_

COMING SOON……

The Harry Potter theme plays.

Jack: Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a Presidential candidate. My teenage daughter is missing; and people that I work with maybe involved with both.

Nina: HEY! _Why is everybody looking at me_!? I didn't do anything!

Jack: My sorta girlfriend's nutjob of a sister is aiding terrorists in setting off a nuclear bomb. A deadly virus is about to be released. Nuclear power plants are about to be sent into a state of a meltdown. Nerve gas just _killed that guy from 'The Lord Of The Rings'_. And nasty suitcase nukes threaten the country. And somehow….I know it's all Nina's fault!

Nina: WHAT!?

Fred: (This is ridiculous; the plot of the movie is just a rehashed culmination of _the plots from the last 6 seasons!_)

Paul (Shh! Just watch!)

Jack: I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and this is the _longest movie of my life_.

Jon Arbuckle: _GARFIELD!!!! You ate all the lasagna again, you fat ass!_

Cue dramatic music.

CTU explodes. –KA BOOM!-

Jack: I don't care what it takes! I have to break in there and save my daughter!

Michelle: Jack, you'll be killed!

Jack: …..I know, Nadia. I know.

Michelle: Uh, I'm Michelle.

IN A WORLD FILLED WITH TERRORISM.

Milo: Who ate the last sprinkled donut!?

Morris: Sorry, dahling.

Milo: ….._this isn't over_.

Morris and Milo draw swords.

TERRORISM……FILLS THE WORLD.

Jack: Hurry, Chloe! I need an answer!

Chloe: Jack…..I don't know! Uh….

Jack: Dammit Chloe! Hurry!

Chloe: Okay….._go with the first one!_

Jack: Got it.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Bauer, I need you to pick a category already!

Jack: OH! I'll take 'Dr. Seuss Books' for $400, Alex.

Alex: _That's not even a category!_

Jack: Can it be one?

AND ONLY ONE MAN CAN STOP IT!

Jack (mouth full of Twinkie): ..._What!? _(pieces fly out).

Chloe: We're so screwed.

Jack: Chloe, do something with this package; it's getting in my way.

He throws Chloe a bomb.

Chloe: JACK!

CTU explodes again –KA BOOM!-

THIS SUMMER….

Morris: Dahling, what are you going to do? If you don't connect the correct wire in 5 seconds….

Tony: Crap…..

Tony just pulls out all the wires.

Morris: Uh……

Tony: …….Hmm…..I feel I'm going to regret that.

What's left of CTU explodes. –KA BOOM!-

ONE GROUP OF HEROES….

Hiro (spreading his arms): _YATTA!_

Time suddenly stops.

Bill: What the hell?!

Karen: Ack! I can't move! Dammit, every time I'm about to eat a funnel cake, some jerk has to stop time……_I want my funnel cake!!_

NOT THOSE HEROES……..

Chloe: _We've got to be able to defend ourselves._ And if Professor Umbridge refuses to teach us how, then we'll need someone who will!

Harry Potter: I'll do it!

Jack (pushing him out of the way): Get over yourself. I'll do it!

Chloe: Oh crap……

Jack pulls out his wand and turns Chloe into a toilet brush. –ZAP!-

Chloe: God I hate you.

-JACK BAUER-

Jack: Whoa!..._I know kung foo!_

Jack 'jacks' into the 'Matrix'.

Jack: BRING IT!

He suddenly gets eaten by Pac Man. _–CHOMP! CHOMP!-_

Jack: AAAH!

-CHLOE O'BRIAN-

Chloe Jane Watson: Morris! Don't put on the costume, it will change you. Revenge is a poison and all that garbage!

Morris Parker: I don't care, I must get my revenge.

Morris puts on _The Black Spider Man Suit._

Morris: Aw yes….I feel the power!

Morris starts dancing uncontrollably.

Morris: ACK! Dahling, what the hell is this?!

Chloe: Uh….

Morris does a couple of thrusts then and hops on a bar and starts dancing some more.

Morris: AAAHHH!! I can't stop the dancing.

Chloe: …..

A woman walks up.

Chloe: …._I'm not with him_………

-BILL BUCHANAN-

Everyone is fighting on the _Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman_ in the pouring rain.

Bill: _Will you marry me?_

Karen: I don't think now is the best time!...wait….._we're already married!_

Bill: Oh yea…..

-KAREN HAYES-

Karen: Finally, alone with my funnel cake.

Hiro runs into Karen's room.

Hiro: YATTA! (Freezes time)

Karen: DAMMIT!

-MORRIS O'BRIAN-

Morris: Hello, dahling!

Milo: I really wish you'd stop calling me that!

-MILO PRESSMAN-

Milo: …I'm serious.

Morris: Okay, dahling.

Milo: GRR!

-AND THE REST OF THE 24 CAST-

Nadia: Oh, that's lame. I see where _we stand_.

-AND AN ALL STAR HOLLYWOOD CAST!-

Chloe: What!?

Tom Cruise: Hello, friends!

Chloe: Oh hell…..

-BRAD PITT-

Brad Pitt: eep….

-MARK WHALBURG-

Mark Whalburg: _Juicy!_

-SISSY SPACEK-

Sissy Spacek: The world is under my control!

-NAOMI WATTS-

-ANGELINA JOLIE-

-ROBERT DOWNEY JR.-

-VING RHAMES-

-CARROT TOP-

-BRUCE WILLIS-

-FRAN DRESSER-

-JIMMY FALLON-

-GEORGE CLOONEY-

-KATIE HOLMES-

-And…..ANDY DICK-

Jack pins a terrorist to the ground.

Terrorist: You got something else to say….?

Jack: Yea……._The following takes place between my foot_….._and your ass!_

-KA BOOM!-

_24! THE MOVIE!_

Rated DC……..again for 'Dangerously Cheesy'.

Coming Soon…..Maybe……Who knows……..

-FIN-

Paul: I smell an Emmy!

Sam: Sooooo, you like?

Fred: …………AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Fred runs out of the room screaming.

Paul: _You see how excited he is!_ I bet he can't wait to tell everybody!

Sam: This movie is going to rule! Man, we are so in the wrong business.

Beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..bepbebpepbepbepbepbpebpebp……24!!!!

Tom: Previously on '24'…..

-SWOOSH-

Jack's car flies off a bridge. –CRASH-

Noah: Mr. President of Australia, you'll be glad to know that Jack Bauer…..is dead.

Harry: I see…..(AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE)

Tom: That was close.

Noah: I know, he actually fell for it.

Harry: Uh, I can still hear you!

Tom: EEK! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

-SWOOSH-

Karen runs down a street.

Karen: Have to hide in this IHOP.

Maid: Hey! We found you.

Karen: Help! Being kidnapped!

Manager: Finally….

Karen: HEY! (KAREN HAYES)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry: I'm the new director of CTU.

Michelle & Morris (deadpan): Yay….. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Mr. Clean: I'm here to give you an inspection that you will surely fail.

Sherry: We're going to have to kill him.

Morris: Finally, some action for Morris.

Someone kidnaps Nadia; Later, in a dark torture room.

Jigsaw: You are going to be tortured.

Nadia: Well, I've been through worse. (NADIA YASSIR)

-SWOOSH-

Wile E. Coyote: Hmm…….

He stumbles upon _The Road Runner_.

Road Runner: Beep! Beep!

Wile E. pulls out a shotgun and shoots Road Runner point blank in the face. –BOOM!-

Wile E. Coyote: I DID IT! I finally caught that stupid _Road Runner!_ (WILE E. COYOTE….WHO IS NOT IN THE STORY)

Later…..

Wile E. Coyote: Hmm….you know, Road Runner meat isn't really that good. It's kinda stringy….I guess from all that running. Man, I can't believe I wasted 60 years of my life chasing after this thing. Feh!

He throws Road Runner's carcass in the trash can.

-SWOOSH-

Kim: Where am I?!

Talking Dresser: You're in a house, we've been cursed! You must break the spell by telling the 'Prince' that you love him.

Kim: I'll do just that! (KIM BAUER)

Jack: I LOVE YOU!

Logan: You moron! Kim was supposed to say that to him! Not you!

Chloe transforms into a Toilet Brush.

Chloe: I don't recall that happening last time.

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Audrey is in a coma. The only way I can save her is to break a spell she is under by killing the hideous beast!

Beast: Why are you telling me this?!

Jack: There's no one else to talk to.

Agatha: ZAPPITY!

Agatha sends Beast flying off the mansion.

Jack: EEP!

Agatha: DOUBLE ZAPPITY!

Jack goes flying off the mansion as well.

Jack: AAAAAAHHHH! Could this be the end of Jack Bauer's adventures? Find out next week…..er….I mean 'RIGHT NOW'…..aaahhh still falling!

Wile E. Coyote: The following takes place between 6:00pm and 7:00pm…..oh….I don't feel so good…..I think that '_Road Runner_' was bad……ooohhhhhhh……..

It is raining down hard at Agatha Bauer's mansion. Jack opens his eyes to realize he's not dead.

Jack: Hey! I survived certain death two episodes in a row, I'm awesome.

A brick comes flying out of no where and pelts Jack in the back of the head. –WHAP!-

Jack goes down……he's dead…….thus was the end of his story.

THE END

The 24 Parody Project

Jack Bauer

Chloe O'Brian

Bill Buchanan

Nadia Yassir

And the rest…..

Writers

Fred

Paul

Sam

And Kirstie Alley

Executive Producer

Bill from upstairs

Director

M. Night Shyamalan.

Stunts

Johnny Nobody

Stuart Humdinger

Adam Adamson

Billy Billyson

Lucy Van Pelt

Reba McEntire

Dr. Frankenfurter

Woody Allen

Cameramen

That Girl

Fred: Dammit, Paul!

Paul: Okay okay, Jack can live….._for now_…..

Jack wakes up, he smells……crap.

Jack: Oh god….what the?!

He perks his head up, soon finding out he landed in a _Dirty Diaper Truck_.

Jack: ACK! (He holds his nose) _Oh it smells so bad_...

The back of the truck opens…..by _Mike Doyle!_

Jack: Doyle!

Doyle: Hey, Jack. Got here just in time!

Jack: Where the hell have you been!?

Doyle (helping him out): Well, when Tony and I were on our way to D.C. to stop the assassination, we stopped at a gas station where Kim was being held captive. Well, we got captured too, I got shot, went to the hospital. Tony, Kim, and the cougar left and my sister brought me back to her place. Well, you see my sister is psychic…

Jack: _How convenient…_

Doyle: And she told me that you were in danger, so I hijacked the closest Diaper truck I could find and came to the rescue!

Jack: Not that I'm not grateful that you saved my life….but why a smelly Diaper truck?

Doyle: I'm better at driving those than most cars.

Jack: Uh..huh…..I see.

Doyle: So, now what?

Jack: We have to get back to CTU!

Doyle: Hop in…..do you know where Tony, Kim, and the others are?

Jack: Beats me, probably at IHOP or something.

Doyle: Ok, let's roll.

Doyle and Jack hop into the front of the car and drive off, inside….

Baxter looks out the window and noticed Jack getting into a truck.

Baxter: Hey! Jack's leaving.

Chloe: WHAT!? That moron left us here?

Bill: Seems like it.

Chloe: Great! What are we going to do now!?

Baxter: The helicopter is still on the roof….

Chloe: Oh good!

Baxter: Let's run for it.

Baxter, Tony, Chloe, Kim, Charles Logan, Bill, and Milo start to head off before the door shuts tight, locking them in the ballroom. –SLAM! CLICK!-

Milo: Hmm….

Chloe: We're trapped in!

Voice: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Logan: Oh…..crap.

Chloe: Who is that!?

Logan: It's…..it's……

Agatha Bauer materializes in front of the group.

Tony: _DON KNOTTS!_

Scooby Doo jumps in Bill's arms.

Bill: Ugh! (Drops him)

Chloe: No wait, it's a mask.

Chloe pulls off the mask, revealing…._Agatha Bauer_…..but you already knew that so it's no surprise.

Tony: _It's DON KNOTTS!_

Chloe: Tony, you idiot. It's Agatha Bauer!

Tony: ……who?

Agatha: Jack Bauer is dead.

Everyone: _Again!?_

Agatha: I used my witchy powers to dispose of him, now I will do the same for you!

Kim: _WAIT A MINUTE!_ I thought she lost her powers?!

Logan: I….guess she got them back…..

Kim: Good lord! _You're just as misinformed as that stupid talking dresser!_

Agatha shoots a beam from her wand, Milo ducks as it hits the door behind them. –BOOM!-

Baxter: This way!

The group runs through the now destroyed door, down the hallway.

Chloe: -gasp- Where do we go?

Baxter: This is the front door. We can't get to the roof now. We'll be killed!

Tony: Then where do we go?

Baxter: Through this dark forest.

Milo: Oh! I hate forests…

Baxter: We don't have a choice; we have to just run for it.

Agatha flies on a broom over them.

Bill: We better split up.

The gang runs away from the mansion, entering a nearby forest.

6:08:12, at CTU.

Sherry walks over to Morris' desk where Michelle and Morris are watching some video on _YouTube._

Michelle: ……..What is it I'm supposed to be….UGH! (Stops and clamps her hand over her mouth in shock)

Morris: Ha ha ha!

Michelle: Morris! That's gross! Turn it off.

Morris: Dahling, it's not that bad.

Michelle: It's disgusting!

Morris: Oh please.

Sherry: Okay, I managed to get the mile long list of things Mr. Clean counted us off for during the inspection.

She opens the list which rolls to the ground. Michelle grabs a wad of the list and starts naming things off.

Michelle: Dust buildup on the computers, dirty restroom, messy offices, _and mold on Tony Almeida's desk!?_ Gross…

Sherry: Yeah, this is serious. Are we ready to go through with 'Operation: Kill The Health Inspector So We Can Get On With Our Lives'?

Michelle: Ready.

Morris: Ready.

Sherry: Okay, here's the plan.

Sherry rolls out a map layout of CTU.

Sherry: Mr. Clean is still in the conference room. I just offered him one of Morris' 'Special Blueberry Muffins' so he'll be running to the restroom in no time flat. I will run back into the conference room and arm his chair with explosives. Michelle, you try to stall him if he recovers early.

Michelle: Got it.

Morris: What do I do?

Sherry: Play with these rubber bands.

Sherry throws some rubber bands on Morris' desk.

Morris: Yay!

Sherry and Michelle head off, peeking around the corner to a hallway leading to the conference room. Mr. Clean bursts out of the room and bolts down to the restroom.

Sherry: It worked!

Michelle: Thanks to Morris' awful cooking.

Sherry: Let's move. I'll be in the conference room. You linger outside of the men's restroom ready to stall him.

Michelle: Okay.

Sherry walks down the corridor and enters the conference room. She sets a duffel bag on the table, pulling out explosives. She pulls out the chair and attaches the bomb to the bottom of the seat Mr. Clean was sitting in.

Sherry: Hmm….

She pressed a couple of buttons, arming the timer.

Sherry: Excellent!

Sherry stands back up, grabbing the duffel bag on her way out.

Michelle: Did you do it?

Sherry: Yes, it's armed. Now, we get as far away from the blast as possible.

Mr. Clean exits the restroom

Mr. Clean: You are out of towels! I'm deducting 10 points.

Sherry: GRR!

Michelle: Well, look on the bright side; at least we actually had some points _left over for him to take away!_

Sherry: Hmph!

Mr. Clean walks back into the conference room, Sherry follows.

Sherry: Oh, _I think I forgot something!_ Wait right here.

Sherry runs out of the room and back into the main hall, hiding behind a desk with Michelle and Morris.

Michelle: I hope this works.

Sherry: I'm sure it will…..the bomb should be going off in…5…

Mr. Clean pokes his head behind the desk.

Mr. Clean: Helloo!

Morris shrieks!

Sherry: AH! Uh….Hello, Mr. Clean? Can I help you?

Mr. Clean: Was the thing you were forgetting under this desk with Mrs. Dessler and Mr. O'Brian.

Morris: _That's MR. O'Brian to you, pal!_

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Sherry: Um….yes……why aren't you in the conference room…..waiting….

Mr. Clean: I am afraid that you have _a mole_ working for you at CTU.

Morris: Yeah, but she already blew up the place once, and now she's working with Charles Logan.

Mr. Clean: Well, fortunately I was able _to find this bomb under one of the chairs in the conference room before it was too late!_

Sherry: Crap!

Morris: _A BOMB!?_ How rude!

Mr. Clean: I'm deducting 10 more points.

Michelle: How many points did we actually have after you finished your initial inspection?

Mr. Clean: 20 points, you're now at 0. I'm definitely shutting this place down.

Sherry: Back to the drawing board….

Morris: I get to come up with the next one.

Sherry: Great…..(storms off)

6:13:11, meanwhile back at _The Jigsaw Killer's dungeon of torturous doom and despair and_…._CANDY!_

Karen: I wish!

Nadia: WHA?! Karen! What the hell are _you_ doing here?!

Karen: I was accosted by evil housecleaners when I try to pretend to be one then stowed away at IHOP then got caught again and they threw me in this place….._with no snack machine! How rude!_

Nadia: Well, these maids and this psycho killer must be working together. We have to get out of here!

Karen: Got it!

Jigsaw: Not so fast, my pretties!

Karen: EEP!

Jigsaw: I have another game for you to play!

Karen: _GAMES!? I LOVE GAMES!_

Nadia: Trust me, these aren't the kind of ones that you would like.

Jigsaw: For our new guest, Karen, the door to this dungeon is right over there.

Karen: Oh good.

Jigsaw: _The key to unlock the door_….._is in that chamber over there._

Karen looks over to a chamber filled with Hershey's Kisses.

Jigsaw: _Good Luck!_ MWA HA HA HA!

Karen: Oh dear……

Nadia: WHAT?! _HERSHEY'S KISSES?! That's it!?_ I had to saw off my leg in order to escape my trap and you're _giving her food!_ That is bull!

Karen: Your leg isn't sawed….

Nadia: That's not the point! Give her something really harsh!

Karen: WELL! I see how it is. Don't worry, Ms. Yassir, I'll get my revenge on you! Just you wait!

Karen pulls out a 'Christmas List' and marks off Nadia's name. –SCRIBBLE-

Karen: There!

Nadia: ugh…

6:17:57, Karen is chowing down on Hershey's kisses / Kim and the others run through the forest / Noah and Tom are eating some _Kentucky Fried Chicken_ / Jack and Doyle are speeding back to CTU, via the crappy diaper truck.

Doyle: ….which just ran out of gas.

Jack: Come on!

Doyle and Jack abandon the car and start walking.

Doyle: We have a ways to go, are you sure you want to walk back?

Jack: We might have to hijack a car.

Doyle: Whatever works.

Jack: There!

Jack sees a bus.

Doyle: A bus?

Jack: It'll be perfect! Come on! _Go Team Venture!_

Doyle: I'm starting to think I'd be better off just letting you hit the ground back there….-sigh-…..okay, let's roll.

Jack and Doyle cross the street and get on the bus.

Driver: Uh……are you a part of the tour?

Jack: Yes!

Old Woman: HEY! That man isn't part of the group! He's too young!

Doyle: Uh, Jack?

Jack: YOUNG!? Why you…..

Doyle: Jack?

Old Woman: You need to get off this bus!

Doyle: _Jack?!_

Jack: You've left me no choice!

Jack pulls out a Pokeball.

Jack: Go Pikachu!

Psyduck: _PSY! PSY!_

Jack: _PSYDUCK!?_ What the hell are _you_ doing here! God, you're just worthless!

Psyduck: _PSY! PSY!_

Psyduck pops a couple of aspirin in his mouth.

Jack: Psyduck! _I order you to go crap on her!_

Doyle: _JACK!!!!_

Jack: Yes, kitten?

Doyle: You're trying to hijack a retirement home bus.

Jack: …….I knew that.

Doyle: Well, that's going to be a little hard, don'tcha think?

Jack: How do?

Doyle: Well, I mean…..come on…….they're old!

Old Woman: OLD!? That's it!

Jack: Good going, Doyle, you made her mad!

She hits Jack over the head with her cane. –BAMPH!-

Jack: OW! My brain….

She swings at Doyle, who drags Jack off the bus.

Doyle: That was close….

Jack: Oohhh, my head….

Doyle: Well, now what?

Jack: Let's hijack _THAT BUS!_

Doyle: Jack, that's a convent bus.

Jack: ….

Doyle: A bus full of nuns.

Jack: ….

Doyle: They have rulers.

Jack: Okay next plan. I got it!

Jack runs over and pushes a kid off his tricycle.

Jack: Heh. Hey, I remember this bike back from episode 3! It's the extremely cool blue 'Hello Kitty' bike!

Doyle: That's not something to be proud of…

Kid: Yeah! I almost got it stolen once but the robber was too stupid to ride it and _nearly killed himself_. Fortunately he got kidnapped by some other psycho kid.

Doyle: Did that happen to you?

Jack: Oh….no…..it was……_Max Bauer_……..you know……..my uncle……….who………..you know…….

Doyle: You are so full of crap.

Jack: Yeah, well……BYE!

Jack hops on the bike and starts to peddle before ramming head on with the Elderly People Tour Bus. –WHAP!-

Doyle: Oooh! That's gonna sting…..

6:21:11, In the forest. The gang is a runnin…..-RUSTLE! RUSTLE! RUSTLE!-

Chloe: ACK!...

Chloe trips over something.

Milo: -gasp- -huff- -puff-…..I got a leg cramp!

Kim: It's really dark out here! I can't see a thing.

Kim rustles through some trees.

Kim: Hello!? Is anybody there?

Tony stops for a second.

Tony: Man, this sucks……hmm….what's that?

Tony takes a couple of steps.

Bear: RAWR!

Tony: _A bear! EEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!_

Bill and Logan meet up.

Bill: Who was that?!

Logan: I don't know.

Bill: Oh wait….I think that was Tony, he probably just got eaten by a bear.

Logan: Better him than us.

Bill: Agreed, let's keep running.

Logan: Oh look, _bicycles_!

Logan notices a blue and a pink bicycle lying on the ground in front of them.

Bill: Luck is on our side! Uh….what are you doing?

Logan: I'm….getting on the bike….to escape death….you know how that goes.

Bill: But…..but……_you took the blue bike!_

Logan: Uh….yea….so…..?

Bill: I want the blue bike!

Logan: You have got to be kidding me! We're being chased by a witch, I don't think it matters what bike you ride!

Bill: But I hate pink!

Logan: OH FINE! You big crybaby! You can have the blue bike.

Logan hands over the bike and gets on the pink one.

Bill: Hey! You're bike has a radio!

Logan: Yes….

Bill: I want a radio.

Logan: Well, tough! You can either have the blue bike, or ride the pink one with the radio. You can't have both.

Bill: Aw….well……hmm……

Bill looks around and sees a rope lying on the ground.

Bill: Hmm….

Logan: What are you plotting?

Bill and Logan try to ride the bicycles (that are tied together by the rope) through the forest.

Logan: This is ridiculous! We're going to crash! Oooof! Ow!...dammit!

Bill: Nonsense! I have me a blue bike….and can listen to the radio.

Logan: I think I was just safer walking….._Bill watch out!_

They go flying down an extremely steep hill.

Logan: AHHH! We're going….too fast!!!

Bill: Oh I hate this song, change it!

Logan: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Baxter meets up with Chloe.

Baxter: Hey.

Chloe: Hey.

Baxter: That sounded like Logan screaming.

Chloe: Yea.

Baxter: He probably just got eaten by a bear.

Chloe: No, that was Tony.

Baxter: Oh, right….

Chloe: Man, we are so lost.

Tony runs by screaming.

Tony: BEAR! BEAR! BEEEEAAAAR! I'm too young to die! AAHHH!

Winnie The Pooh walks up to Chloe and Baxter.

Winnie: Excuse me, have you seen my friend Piglet?

Chloe: Nope, sorry.

Baxter: Yeah, nobody here but us.

Winnie: _Oh bother_…..thanks anyway.

Winnie walks off.

Chloe and Baxter look at each other.

Chloe: I'm not saying anything.

Baxter: Neither am I, let's just keep moving.

6:28:01, Back at CTU. In the conference room.

Mr. Clean: What's going on here!?

Michelle: Well, Mr. Clean?..._Arnold_, may I call you Arnold.

Mr. Clean: Sure.

Michelle: I just wanted to say _how ashamed_ we are for letting this place get so out of hand. And we really do appreciate you giving us the heads up and back on the right track.

Mr. Clean: Why, thank you Mrs. Dessler, that is my job though.

Michelle: Well, I just wanted to say, as a token of our appreciation we cooked you _a special meal_.

Mr. Clean: I'm flattered. But why would I eat something from a placed where I just gave a failing score on a health inspection for?

Michelle: uh….uh….oh! It wasn't cooked here.

Mr. Clean: …..where…._was it cooked?_

Michelle: Morris' house.

Mr. Clean (suspicious): …….he….hasn't gone anywhere.

Michelle: It was before he came to work.

Mr. Clean: …….that's kinda……odd.

Michelle: It's almost ready. Be right back.

Mr. Clean: I thought you said he already made it.

Michelle: Be right back! BYE!

Michelle runs into the CTU kitchen….wherever _that_ came from, anyway Morris is 'cooking dinner'.

Sherry: _There's a kitchen here now!?_ What other pointless rooms do I not know about?

Michelle: Morris! Will you hurry up!? He's getting suspicious…..

Morris: Dahling, cooking is an art! It can not be disrupted, you must be patient!

Michelle: ugh!

Michelle runs out of the 'kitchen' and back into the conference room….

Michelle: Dinner is almost ready!

Mr. Clean: But…..oh forget it.

Morris walks in carrying a tray full of food, he places it in front of the health inspector.

Mr. Clean: Wow! I am impressed! This looks delicious. Hey, I might just pass you after all.

He, Michelle, Sherry, Morris laugh.

Mr. Clean: Ha ha ha….I am kidding by the way. No inspector in their right mind would pass this dump. Food's good though.

Sherry: Yes…..yes….._Enjoy your food_!

Mr. Clean: uh…..ok.

Sherry and Michelle slowly back out of the room.

Morris: Now, dahling. Dinner wouldn't be dinner without some 'entertainment'!

Morris hops on the table.

Morris (singing): _Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test! Tie a napkin round you_r….

Michelle yanks him out of the room.

Morris: BLECK!

Morris recovers, Michelle and Sherry spy on Mr. Clean through a window looking into the conference room.

Morris: What did you _do that for?!_

Michelle: Nobody wants to hear you sing, Morris!

Morris: Well, _I didn't get to be in the Beauty And The Beast musical number in last week's episode, dammit!_

Michelle: Morris, shh! We have to see if he croaks.

Morris: Yup. You did put the stuff in, right Michelle?

Michelle: ……stuff?

Morris: You know…..the 'stuff'?

Michelle: Are you referring to the poison that's supposed to be in his food.

Morris: Yeah.

Michelle: Uh, no. _You were supposed to do that!_

Morris: Oh yea, make Morris do it.

Michelle: _YOU WERE COOKING THE DINNER!_

Morris: I know, I make a mean pot roast.

Sherry: Morris! Are you telling me you actually cooked him a legitimate home cooked meal!?

Morris: …..maybe….

Sherry: Well, dammit! Okay, back to the drawing board again…..yeesh……

6:31:12, meanwhile in the forest.

Kim, Logan, Bill and Milo meet up.

Kim: Stop, stop, stop……I think we lost the others.

Bill: Well crap a duck….wait……Look, _A MCDONALDS!_

Milo: I don't know, _that place has caused us nothing but problems all day!_

Bill: Well, maybe there's something else down there.

The group moves toward civilization. They reach a town…..with a Mcdonald's and an Abandoned Mansion.

Logan: Strange, these are the only two things here….

Kim: CRAP! _Another mansion?!!_ I'd rather eat at Mcdonald's. I don't think I can take another 4 episodes of being stuck in a stupid house again.

Bill: Hooray!

McDonald's explodes. –KABOOM!-

Kim: Well crap.

Bill: That sucks, well I guess to the house then.

Kim: Man……

They runs across the street and up to the front door.

Kim: It's locked!

Milo: I got it.

Milo kicks the door, his foot goes through the door, which has a consistency of _wax_.

Milo: EEW!

Kim: What the?

Logan: Forget it, just keep going before she finds us!

They make their way into the house, Milo pulls his foot out of the door. Inside, the living room is huge, with statues everywhere.

Milo: WOW! This place is amazing!

Kim: Hmm, something isn't right about this house.

Bill walks up to one of the wax statues, a statue of _Ex-President Rolando Callahan_.

Bill: Uh….

Kim: That's weird.

Milo: Is that _Chuck Norris?_

Kim: Why, I think it is!

Bill: _I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS!_

Logan: You morons! That's Rolando Callahan, the former president!

Kim: Oh……_because he really looks like Chuck Norris_…

Logan walks up to another wax statue of _Ronald Palmer_.

Logan: …ooookay.

Velma: _Jinkies!_ Look over here, guys!

Milo pushes Velma out of the way.

Milo: Move it!

-SHOVE-

Velma falls down some stairs.

Velma: EEEAAARRG!

–CRASH! CLANK! BANG! WHAP! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-

Milo: There are wax statues of everybody who has died today. There's Adam Logan, Ronald McDonald, his assistants, Sherry when she was a robot. Hmm, I'm surprised Jack's not here since he's died like, 12 times this season.

Bill: Something is incredibly wrong here….._there's no kitchen in this house._

Kim: Well, maybe we can stay here until morning.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the forest.

Chloe, Baxter, and Tony reach civilization themselves.

Chloe: Whew! That was close, at least we're in a city now. I wonder how the others are doing.

Tony: They probably ended up at Mcdonald's…..or a house of wax…..I don't know.

Chloe sighs dejectedly.

Baxter: There's a mall, we can hide out there for now.

Chloe: Whatever works.

They run toward the shopping mall, the front glass door is wide open.

Chloe: Strange…..it's not even 7:00, and there's nobody in sight…..

They walk through the front doors and into the first main part of the mall.

Chloe: Hmm……this place is pretty nice.

Tony: I want to go to the toy store!

Chloe: Tony! We really don't have time for that!

Baxter: Look!

Straight ahead, someone walks out of a department store.

Baxter: Hmm…..-ahem-….Excuse me! Sir……

The man keeps on walking.

Baxter: Uh…..hello!?

Tony: I'll get his attention.

Tony walks up to the man.

Tony: Hey, pal. You know its rude when you ignore….

The man turns around and tries to bite Tony. –MISSED CHOMP!-

Chloe and Baxter: ACK!

Tony: Oh my god! Yeesh! Man, you don't have to bite me!

The man raises his arms and starts to slowly walk towards Tony.

Chloe: Tony! Get back here!

Baxter: It must be a zombie!

Chloe: Good lord, talking furniture, witches, now _zombies_?! What's next, _talking animals_?!

Baxter: Uh….

Chloe: Oh right……it's been done.

Tony hauls back over to Chloe and Baxter.

Tony: What do we do now?!

Baxter: We run for it! This way…..

Tony: Wait, you're not going to lead us to trouble are you!?

Baxter: Dammit, Tony! I've already explained this! Chloe….

Chloe hits him in the back of the head. –SMACK-

Tony: Ow.

Baxter: This way!

Baxter, Tony, and Chloe head down a hallway to the right. They reach a doorway at the end that leads to some emergency stairs. After some climbing, they burst thought to the second floor.

Tony: Wait! Shouldn't we leave? We can't stay here and get eaten by zombies!

Baxter: Look outside, we don't have a choice.

Tony looks out the window and a giant mass of zombies crowds the entrance.

Tony: Ah nuts!

Baxter: In here.

They run into a pizza restaurant.

Chloe: What are we going to do here?

Baxter: Well, I'm sure we can find guns here, and plenty of utensils. Besides, I'm starved.

Chloe: Good point. I can go for food.

Tony: Me too!

Baxter: Okay, Chloe, come help me get stuff ready for a pizza. Tony, block that door.

Tony: Got it!

Tony locks the door, then walks to a table to grab a chair. When he returns, a zombie is scratching at the door.

Zombie: …._brraaaaiins!_

Tony: Hey pal, we're closed. Get lost!

Tony props a chair against the door, then heads into the kitchen.

6:39:45, back at _Jigsaw's Playhouse!_

Karen: We're having so much fun!

Nadia: Speak for yourself! You've gotten nothing but candy. I keep getting screwed!

A granola bar flies and bonks Nadia in the head.

Nadia: Ow!

Jigsaw: There's your treat. MWA HA HA!

Nadia: GRR!

Jigsaw: I'm getting the next game ready. Until then, here's a word from our sponsor.

_TRAVELOCITY PRESENTS: THE ROAMING GNOME!_

Roaming Gnome: Hello friends.

Nadia: Oh crap….

Karen: Hey hot stuff!

Nadia: I'm in hell.

Gnome: I'm ready to go on a vacation! But I appeared to be chained up. Oh look, a saw.

Nadia: That does it! Karen! We have to get out of here, now!

Karen: Aww, but I wanted to see the Roaming Gnome!

Nadia (shaking her fists): _NOBODY GIVES A CRAP ABOUT THE ROAMING GNOME!_

Gnome: How rude. Well, I'm getting out of here!

The Roaming Gnome starts sawing it's foot off.

Gnome: YEOWCH!

Karen: Hang in there! Don't lose faith, Nadia! You just got to _believe!_

Nadia: I'm probably better off escaping by myself!

Jigsaw: I'm back!

Nadia: DAMMIT!

Jigsaw: This next game you have to draw what's on the card, and your team has to guess it!

Nadia: You're telling me our fate is determined over a _game of Win, Lose, or Draw!?_

Jigsaw: ……yes. Have fun!

Roaming Gnome: Oh dear, I'm bleeding to death.

Karen: Aw man. Now I have to be partners with _Nadia _in Win, Lose or Draw!

Nadia: -groan-

Back at The House Of Wax.

Milo: This is strange, why would someone make wax statues of everyone who has died this season? It doesn't make any sense!

Kim: Whoever did this is….mad….._mad I tell you!_

Ima walks out of a bedroom.

All: -GASP-

Velma: _JINKIES!_

Milo pushes her down some stairs again. –SHOVE-

Velma: AARGGH!

–CRASH! CLANK! BANG! WHAP! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-

Logan: Ima! What are you doing here?!

Ima: This is a house of wax….._everything in this house is made of wax_.

Milo: Well, duh….

Ima: This room is special, it is……_my masterpiece!_

Milo: Nutjob alert!

Logan: What is going on Ima?! I order you to tell me this instant!

Ima: I don't work for you anymore, old man!

Bill: WHAT?! I'm not old!

Milo: Me thinks she wasn't talking to you, chief.

Bill: Oh good……oh Logan, yeah he's old.

Logan: Hmph!

Ima: I have a new master now…..

Milo: Please don't say Agatha Bauer….

Ima: Agatha Bauer!

Some organ music plays, lighting flashes across the window. –CRASH-

Milo: Crap.

Kim: Well, you don't scare us!

Ima: Well, you should be.

Ima starts to float in the air.

Ima: HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Milo: Ruh roh!

Velma makes it upstairs.

Velma: What's going on!?

Milo: Quiet! We're thinking!

Milo shoves her down the stairs again.

Velma: OOF!

-CRASH! CRANK! BOOM! BIFF! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-

Velma: …._ow_…._my glasses!_

Logan: …..this is impossible!

Ima: That's right, _I'm a witch! _

Milo: That's ridiculous! I don't believe in witches!

Logan: Ugh…..this is bad, she's sided with Agatha now, we have to stop her….

Ima: Prepare to meet your maker!

Ima fires a lighting bolt at Kim, she dodges out of the way. –BOOM!-

Kim: ACK!

Logan: Or not….bye!

Logan tries to head toward the door, Ima turns it into solid ice.

Logan: Well, that's not very fair.

Milo throws a clove of garlic at her.

Milo: TAKE THIS!

Logan: Milo, that's vampires, you dolt!

Milo: Oh…..

Bill: Split up!

They head in several different directions. Kim rushes up some stairs, Milo and Bill take an East corridor, and Logan dives into an office.

Ima: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Logan: God, even I'm starting to think this plot is becoming too much…..yeesh!

Velma: Well, _That's 24 for ya!_

Logan: Move it, you're in my way!

Logan pushes Velma down some stairs. –SHOVE!-

Velma: _Not again! AAAARH!_

-CRASH! BOOM! BANG! CLUNK! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-

6:50:11, An _Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile_ pulls in front of CTU. Jack and Doyle jump out.

Jack: I don't know why I didn't think of hijacking an Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile before! It would have saved us some major time.

Doyle: Well, nothing we can do about that now!

Jack: Let's go shave Audrey!

Doyle: Right!...wait…._Did you just say 'shave'?_

Jack: What?

Doyle: You just said 'Let's go _shave_ Audrey'…

Jack: Hmm….I did?

Doyle: Yes.

Jack: Oh…..must be a speech impediment.

Doyle: Oh…..that would make sense……cause….oh nevermind….

Jack: What?

Doyle: I mean…..nah it's nothing….

Jack: What?!

Doyle: Well, it's just……well………it's just that….._I love you, Jack!_

Jack: WHAT?!

Fred slaps Paul upside the head.

Paul: -giggle- okay okay, cutting it out.

The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile pulls up.

Doyle: Okay, were here!

Jack: I can't believe I didn't think of hijacking the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile before.

Doyle: I know.

Jack: Now let's go save Audrey!

Doyle: Right.

Jack and Doyle run into CTU. Inside…..

Michelle: Well, CTU is finished.

Morris: Nonsense, dahling. We just need someone to come in and shave the day!

Michelle: ….._did you just say 'shave'?_

Morris: ……….yes.

Jack and Doyle run into the main hall.

Michelle: Oh thank god! Were the hell have you two been?!

Jack: It's a long story! Right, cousin?

Doyle: Are you talking to me?

Michelle: Doyle! I'm glad you're safe!

Doyle: Michelle…..I'm glad…..you're safe too.

Jack: Uh…..

Michelle: I've gone many nights……_missing you_….

Jack: What the….?!

Doyle: I…..wrote a journal…..since I've been gone…….I will read you a passage, my sweet Michelle……the light of my life….

Jack: What the pancakes are you two talking about!?!!?

Doyle: Roses are Red…..Violets are Blue…..Michelle will you marry me?……I hope you'll say….."I do."……

Morris: Correct me if I'm wrong, dahling, but I think you're supposed to say that later….

Jack: I'm so confused! Jack's head hurts…..

Michelle: I will!

Jack: WHAT!?

Doyle: To the alter!

Morris rips off his clothes revealing a priest's robe.

Morris: Doyle…..

Jack: This can't be happening….

Morris: Mike Doyle, do you take Michelle Dessler…._to be your awfully wedded bride!_

Michelle: _It's 'lawfully'_, you dumbass!

Doyle: I do!

Morris: And Michelle……….dahling, that's a hideous dress…..

Michelle: GET ON WITH IT!

Morris: Right. Michelle Dessler, do you take Mike Doyle to be your lawfully wedded husband, thought sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to the end of this season that is if we don't get cancelled first.

Michelle: I do!

Morris: Swell. I now pronounce you……Man and _Beast!_

Michelle: _I'll kill you the next chance I get!_

Jack faints.

Fred is strangling Paul.

Fred: Dammit! Nobody is getting married! Especially not _Michelle and Doyle!_ Are you insane!? What the hell is wrong with you!? ARRRGH!!!!

Paul: urk!...eek...choke!...

Fred: FIX IT!

Paul: Okay, okay…..grumpy britches….

Michelle (deadpan): Doyle, I'm so glad you're safe.

Doyle: I'm glad I'm safe too!

Jack: Where's Audrey?

Morris: You know, it never occurred to me to go check on her.

The doctor runs in.

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Bauer, Audrey has broken free!

Jack: Oh goody!

Morris: _Broken free?_

Michelle: Yeah, doctor, you say that as if she's a monster or something…

Doctor: Well, I'm afraid that….

The doctor suddenly goes up in flames.

Doctor: AAAAAHHHH!!!! –TORCH!-

Morris rummages through his desk for marshmallows.

Morris: Dammit! I can't find any!

The group turns around, looking up to see Audrey standing on the second floor outside the glass office.

Jack: Audrey?!

Morris: Dang, she did that?! She must be _a witch!_

Jack: _Is everybody on this show witches!?_ Good lord……..

Michelle: Jack, do something! We're no match for her now that she has stupid superpowers.

Jack: …..You're no match for her……_but I am_.

Michelle: Uh, yeah, that's why I just asked you to do something!

Jack pulls out his wand.

Jack: I forgot I had this, I found it after I fell off the roof!

Michelle: Oh great….

Sherry walks into the main hall.

Sherry: Good news! I managed to use my excellent argument skills and we passed the inspection!

Michelle: That's great, Sherry, but we have bigger issues on our hands here.

Sherry: Jack!?

Jack waves his wand.

Jack: Forgive me Audrey……but I must….do this……

Jack: _EXPECTO PETRONUM!_ –ZAP!-

Audrey: Block!

Jack: _Why does everyone keep 'blocking' that! You can't do that, dammit!_

Jack quickly flips through his 'Harry Potter' book.

Michelle: You must be joking…..

Jack: Oh! Here's a good one…..'_Wingardium Leviosa!'_

The infamous _Xerox Machine_ flies off of a desk, hurling through the air.

Mr. Clean walks into the hall.

Mr. Clean: Well, congratulations for passing the….

-SMACK!-

Mr. Clean falls to the floor.

Jack, Doyle, Michelle, Morris, and Sherry are frozen in shock….well, except Morris, who is still digging for marshmallows.

Audrey lets out a quick laugh then snaps her fingers, disappearing in an instant. –VANISH!-

Jack: ………._Dammit Chloe!_

The screen splits, shrinking down at 6:58:12. Jack, Michelle, Doyle, and Sherry stand there, not knowing what to do next. Morris pokes Mr. Clean with a stick. / Kim is dodging an array of lightning bolts Ima is shooting at her in a hallway at 'The House Of Wax' / Bill and Milo end up in a bathroom / Nadia and Karen are potato sack racing / Logan is hiding under a sink / A large group of zombies start to beat down the door to the pizza place where Tony, Chloe, and Baxter are hiding / Agatha is looking off in the distance / Tom and Noah are going over some paperwork / Australian President Harry Love looks out a window.

Baxter, Chloe, and Tony are in the back room.

Baxter: ….what's that noise.

Tony: Oh some guy was trying to break in.

Baxter: …guy?

Chloe gets up and checks it out.

Chloe: ACK! We're in trouble, zombies are everywhere!

Baxter: Uh oh……

Tony hears some noise. He notices a vent to the corner of the room. He investigates.

Tony: What the hell?

He watches Karen and Nadia in the torture room…..which is under the pizza restaurant.

Tony: Hey, cool! I want to do what they're doing!

Nadia hears a voice.

Nadia: Tony! Thank god! You have to get us out of here! We're in danger!

Chloe: The zombies have broken in! We're going to die now!

Nadia: Uh, on second thought you're probably in more danger than we are!

Tony: Hold on Nadia, I'll get you out!

Mandy walks into the back room.

Mandy: No you won't.

Tony: -GASP!-

Mandy waves her arm and sends Tony flying into a wall. –SMACK!-

Tony: Ow…….

Mandy: Hello, you.

Tony: Oh man…..not you again……

Mandy: Well, your friends are about to die…..you don't have much time left yourself.

Tony peeks out of the backroom to see Chloe and Baxter tied up, the zombies inching closer to them.

Chloe: Out of the fire and into the frying pan, I can't go 2 episodes without turning into someone's dinner.

Baxter: Hmm…….

Tony: ugh…..

Back at CTU.

Michelle: JACK!? You killed the health inspector!

Jack: Oh man, I'm in so much trouble! _I'm going to 'time out' for sure!_

Sherry: Great! Now we have this to deal with!

Morris: Question, dahling!

Sherry: What?

Morris: Haven't we been trying to 'off' the bloody inspector for the last hour?!

Michelle: Hmm….

Sherry: Yeah, _when we were about to fail!_

Morris: Huh!?

Sherry: But now that he passed us, we had no reason to kill him! We're in extreme trouble now!

Morris: But it was an accident, Jack just……screwed up.

Jack: HEY!

Sherry: It doesn't matter!...We have to get rid of the body!

Doyle: But won't they be looking for him.

Sherry: We just need to hurry up before they try to contact him.

Michelle: How long will that be?

Mr. Clean's cell phone rings.

Doyle: …..

Sherry: …..

Jack: ……

Velma: This looks like a mystery!

Morris: I'll take care of this one!

Morris runs over and shoves Velma down some stairs. –SHOVE!-

Velma: AAAAAAHHHH!!

-CRASH! BOOM! BANG! CLINK! CLANK! SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!-

Morris walks back over to his desk.

Morris: Good going, Michelle.

Michelle: WHAT?! I didn't do anything.

Jack: This looks like a job for……_somebody who cares!_...Bye!

Jack runs out of the building.

Sherry: Uh….

Michelle: I really hate that man sometimes……

6:59:57

6:59:58

6:59:59

7:00:00

NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW 24!

-BAD STUFF IS A BREWIN-

General: Mr. President, we have received conformation that Jack Bauer is still alive….

Harry: ….

General: Do you want me to send out my men?

Harry: No……I have something special planned for Bauer.

Velma: _JINKIES!_ This sounds like another mystery!

Harry: Will somebody please kill her!?!?

The General walks over the shoves Velma down a flight of stairs. –SHOVE!-

Velma: I have to stop standing next to stairrrsss….aaahhhhh!!! –CRASH!-

-WILL AGATHA BE STOPPED?-

Agatha: Of course not!

Jack: It ends here…..

Agatha: Yes…..it does….

Morris: It can't! There are still 11 more episodes left!

Michelle slaps him upside the head.

-WILL JACK FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?-

Jack: Yeah, what did happen to her…?

The flaming corpse of the doctor……flames.

Jack: Oh right….

-WILL TONY EVER GET A SLICE OF PIZZA?!-

Tony: Psst! Nadia…._throw me a Hershey's Kiss!_

Nadia: No!

Tony: ……Please?

Nadia: Dammit Tony, I'm stuck in another trap and I have to decide which body part I want to lose in order to break free, I have my own problems to deal with!

Tony: ………Please?

Nadia: GRR!

-WILL JACK AND THE OTHERS GET AWAY WITH MURDER?-

Jack: Well sure, because I'm Jack Bauer! _I get away with everything!_

Michelle: The body's gone!

Jack: Uh oh………

-WILL TOM AND NOAH ACTUALLY HAVE LINES IN NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE?-

Tom: I would hope so!

Noah: It would be nice.

A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK…..beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..


	13. 7:00pm 'I Know What You Did Last Hour'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that good junk, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Pop Tarts were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 13

7:00pm – 8:00pm 'I Know What You Did Last Hour'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Sweepy The Janitor: Nobody here…

OH NEVERMIND, MEANWHILE IN 'DISNEYLAND'!

Fred: This was a really good idea….

Paul: Yup!

Fred: Ahhh, time to relax….

Sam: Vacations are fun!

Fred: Yes…….wait!..._Who's writing this week's episode of '24'?!_

Sam: …..uh….

Paul: …hmm….

Fred: ACK!

Paul: Wait wait wait!...I remember, my niece, Francine!

Fred: You're niece?

Paul: Yes, she's 13!

Fred: You're letting a 13 year old write for '24', is she any good?!

Paul: I would say so, she writes columns all the time in '_Teen Beat Magazine_'

Fred: Oh dear god….

Sam: I don't read them anymore…..

-LATER WHILE FILMING-

Jack: Like, _oh my god!_ There's like, a bomb about to go off!

Bill: Like, totally!

Morris: For real, dahling!

Nadia: Hey I just got new shoes!

Terrorists: We're so jealous!

Chloe: I refuse to have any part of this stupid episode! I'm leaving!

Fred: NOOOOO!

Fred jumps out of his lounge chair and runs back into the hotel to pack his bags.

Paul: That man just cannot relax.

Sam: _Like, totally……_

Beep…beep….beep…..beep…..bepbepbepbepbpebpebpebepbepbe……24!!!!!

Tony: Previously on _CTU IDOL_.

-SWOOSH-

Jack (singing): _And IIIIIIIIIIII Will Alwaaays Loooove Yoooooooooou!_

Chloe throws up. –HORF!-

Someone throws a brick which bonks Jack in the head. –WHACK-

Jack: OOF!

Tony: Uh…..Okay Previously On 24………SWOOSH!

Karen: Yay, we've been kidnapped!

Nadia: Why the hell are you excited about that?!

Jigsaw: Hello friends. I've made milk and cookies!

Karen: Oh boy!

Nadia: Ugh.

Jigsaw: Oh no, I forgot the milk. Oh that's right, it's _over there_. Past those spikes protruding from the floor.

Karen: The milk will be mine! (KAREN HAYES)

Karen takes off.

Nadia: I hate this show sometimes. (NADIA YASSIR)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry: The health inspector is going to fail us!

Jack: Not if I can help it!

The health inspector croaks.

Sherry: Hey, the health inspector _didn't_ fail us! Now we don't have to kill him……

Jack: Whoops!

Sherry: You fool! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Kim: We're stuck in a house made of wax, it's really really gross!

Milo: I don't know, I'm having fun!

Milo makes little statues out of wax.

Logan: You moron! We don't have time for that; we have to deal with this stupid 'witch' plot before we get killed!

Ima flies in.

Ima: My ears are ringing!

Bill: Run for your lives!

Bill tries to jump out of the window, which is also made of wax… -SPLOOK-

Bill: Oh crap…..uh, a little help here. (CAST MEMBERS WHO ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE)

Kim: WHAT!?

-SPLOOK-

Tony: We're stuck in a house made of……pizza?

Baxter and Chloe look at him.

Tony: Well…..it's really really good!

Baxter: I don't know, I'm not having fun!

Zombies are trying to break down the door.

Chloe: What are we going to do Tony!?

Tony is making little statues out of pizza dough.

Chloe: You moron! We don't have time for that, we have to deal with this stupid 'zombie' plot before we get killed! (CAST MEMBERS WHO WILL PROBABLY EAT PIZZA BEFORE THEY DIE)

Baxter: Excuse me?

Mandy flies in.

Mandy: Hello, I'm a witch now.

Tony: WHAT!? Ima Mole's a witch!?

Mandy: No, I'm a witch now.

Tony: Ima Mole. That's what I said!

Mandy: No, me!

Tony: Oh!

Chloe: Now we have zombies AND witches to deal with! Man I wish I was with Kim and the others, I bet they're safe.

Back at Wax House.

Kim: ACK! She's firing crap at us! We are so not safe!

Bill: Will someone please get me out of this window!

-SWOOSH-

Jack: I'm here!

The health inspector croaks. Audrey turns into a witch and flies off.

Jack: _Holy Hello Kitty, Batman!_

Sherry: Dammit Jack, now look what you've done!

Jack: Whoops! (JACK BAUER)

Morris: _Now Audrey's a witch!?_ Man, I want to be a witch! I miss out on the musical numbers and now this, I hate this sub plot.

Logan: The following takes place between 7:00pm and 8:00pm.

Jack: Okay here's the plan! We put the health inspector's body through the paper shredder in Sherry's office.

Sherry: That won't work!

Morris: Yea dahling, that's an expensive shredder.

Sherry: Think of something else.

Jack: Okay, we pull a 'Weekend At Bernie's' and make him look like a worker at CTU. We can put him at Tony's desk.

Doyle: Uh…

Michelle: Jack, we can't do that either. They are going to wonder where he is.

Jack: Hmmm…..

Doyle: You can dump him in the lake.

Jack: There's no lake around here.

Doyle: Yea there is, they just installed one about 10 miles from CTU.

Sherry: They _installed _one.

Jack: Either way, it'll save our butts! Let's go!

Jack runs out of the building.

Morris, Sherry, Michelle, and Doyle look at the body.

Doyle: I guess we…start…..carrying it.

Michelle: Yup.

Doyle: Okay, you girls grab the legs, Morris and I will get the arms.

They pick up the body of the health inspector and waddle out of the building.

Jack pulls the car up to the entrance. Doyle and the others are stuck trying to get the body out of the front door.

Michelle: Ah! I'm slipping.

Morris: EEP!

Doyle: Okay okay. Let's lift him up. Okay……now we'll go on and shove him through.

They proceed to waddle through the doorway and out to the car. Jack pops the trunk open. Doyle stuff the body in there as the others get in the car.

Michelle: Ugh, what an ordeal.

Sherry: Wait! One of us has to stay here, who's going to watch over the place while we're gone?

Jack: Sherry, it's a little after 7:00. I think the terrorists are eating dinner now. I think we'll be okay.

Doyle gets in the back seat with Michelle and Morris, Jack peels out of the parking lot. As soon as they leave, terrorists sneak up to the CTU entrance.

Terrorist: Bob: Man, I wish I would've ate dinner, it IS dinner time you know.

Terrorist Bill: Quiet, CTU is vulnerable right now. Now's our chance.

The two terrorists sneak into the building.

7:04:12, at the House Of Wax.

Kim runs down some stairs, trying to avoid furniture that Ima is flinging at her.

Kim: ACK!

Kim ducks as a lamp whizzes past her head. –CRASH-

Kim: Got to hide, got to hide.

Kim notices a bathroom down the hall, she takes off, running into the bathroom as she slams the door behind her…..she notices she's locked inside with….

Kim: Don Knotts?

Logan: No, it's me, you idiot.

Kim: Oh, what are you doing here?

Logan: Well I don't know about you, but I'm trying to hide from being killed.

Kim: Oh, me too.

Logan rolls his eyes.

Kim: How are we going to defeat her?

Logan: Well, she is a witch.

Kim: Yes.

Logan: And I have seen 'The Wizard Of Oz'

Kim: Uh…..yes.

Logan: grabs a cup and fills it up with water.

Kim: Uh, what are you doing?

Logan: Okay, you will go out there and distract Ima, then I'll throw this cup of water on her. Then she'll melt.

Kim: Wow! What an incredibly stupid idea!

Logan: Do you have anything better!?

Kim: -sigh- No.

Logan: Now get out there!

Kim: Fine!

Kim walks out of the bathroom.

Kim: OH NO! I tripped!

Ima flies through the corridor.

Ima: Tee hee!

Kim: Now, Mr. Logan!

Ima: ….

Kim: ….

Ima: ….

Kim: …..I said 'NOW MR. LOGAN!'

Ima: …..

Kim: …..

Ima peeks into the restroom.

Kim looks at Ima.

Kim: Can you hold for just a second?

Ima: Sure! Take your time.

Kim: Thanks.

Kim gets up and bolts into the restroom.

Kim: What the hell are you doing?! She's right outside!

Logan: The water doesn't work…

Kim: You sent me out there to get killed and you didn't even see if the water worked!?

Logan: I'm not perfect.

Kim: Now what?!

Ima: Is everything okay in there?

Logan and Kim: Yes! Just a minute!

Kim: Well, now because of your ingenious plan, Ima is _right outside_ and if we don't think of something fast, she'll come in and kill us.

Logan: Uh….uh….

Kim: Hurry!

Logan looks around in a panic.

Logan: Yes! The toilet!

Kim: I don't think we can get away with giving her a _swirly!_

Logan: No, I can get the water from the toilet!

Kim: EW! That's gross. That water is dirty!

Logan: Are you serious, we're about to die and you're worried about that?!

Kim: Safety first!

Logan: Yes, _our safety_. Now go back out there and fall on your face again. Take it from the top.

Kim: Ugh….

Kim walks back out into the hall.

Kim: Okay, we're going to try this again, can you go back down the hallway and fly in here.

Ima: Sure!

Ima flies down to the end of the corridor.

Kim: OH NO! I tripped!

Ima flies up to her.

Ima: Tee Hee!

Kim: Now, Mr. Logan!

Ima: …..

Kim: …..

Ima: …..

Kim: …..dammit! Hold on.

Kim bursts in the restroom.

Logan: Do you mind!?

Kim: _YOU'RE USING THE BATHROOM!?_

Logan: Uh, yes, that's what they're here for.

Kim: You're going to get me killed! Oh, screw this.

Kim grabs the cup of water and walks back into the hall.

Kim: Hello.

Ima: Hello.

Kim throws the cup of water on Ima. –SPLOOSH!-

Ima: What did you do that for?

Kim: Hoping you would melt.

Ima: Well, that was a stupid idea.

Kim: That's what I said, but does he listen to me? No.

Ima: Oh well, that's men for ya.

Kim: Yeah, really.

Ima and Kim laugh.

Ima: I'm going to kill you now!

Kim: EEP!

Kim runs back into the bathroom. –SLAM!-

Kim: It didn't work.

Logan: Hmm, oh well, we tried.

Kim: Hmph!

7:07:44, at the Pizza Restaurant.

Tony: You won't get away with this!

Baxter: Uh, Tony I think you need to be talking to her. (Points at Mandy)

Tony: Oh right.

Tony turns to Mandy.

Tony: You won't get away with this!

Mandy: I already have, your friends are about to get eaten by zombies, and I'm about to kill you. I would say that I've won this one.

Tony: Damn! I have to think of something!

The zombies move in closer to Chloe and Baxter who are tied up, they try to kick them away.

Chloe: Uh, Tony if you could do something real soon that would be great.

Tony: Hmm…..I got it.

Mandy: …….

Tony: Oh….no I lost it…..no wait, I got it again.

Tony grabs some garlic.

Chloe: Dammit Tony…..

Tony throws it at Mandy, she shrieks before disappearing. –POOF!-

Chloe: Huh!? That actually worked. Well……hmm…..okay then.

Tony grabs a pizza cutter and runs to Chloe and Baxter, batting through the crowd of zombies.

Tony: Okay, just a second.

Tony starts using the pizza cutter to slice through the rope.

Baxter: There were a bunch of knives, just sayin….

A zombie looms in over Tony.

Tony: ACK!

Chloe gets her hand loose from the rope and pushes the zombie away from Tony. He pulls of the rope.

Chloe: Whew!

Tony: This way!

Tony, Baxter, and Chloe charge into the kitchen, closing the door behind them.

Chloe: Now what do we do?

Tony: Hmm…..I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Nadia (from the vent on the ground): We're still down here!

Tony: Quiet, Nadia! I'm trying to think!

Chloe: Nadia!?

Chloe and Baxter rush over to the vent, below they see Nadia and Karen imprisoned in The Jigsaw Killer's _House Of Love!_

Nadia: Ew!

Chloe: Nadia?! What are you doing down there with…._Karen Hayes!_

Karen: That's me!

Nadia: I was kidnapped from CTU, I don't know why Karen is here?

Karen: I told you, those maids captured me!

Baxter: Maids?

Karen: Yes, the president thought I was insane and wouldn't let me go to the press conference earlier today, so I disguised myself as a maid, my cover got blown, I hid at IHOP, my cover got blown again, and here I am.

Nadia: Hmm….

Chloe: We have to get down there.

Nadia: I wouldn't recommend that.

Chloe: Well, we're about to be eaten by zombies, we don't have any other way out.

Tony: Well, we do have an assortment of knives and rolling pins.

Baxter: …….I'm up for that.

Chloe: Me too. Nadia I'll get back to you.

Nadia: Okay.

Chloe and Baxter walk over to Tony.

Tony: Knife or Rolling Pin.

Chloe: Gun.

Tony: What?! But I want the gun!

Chloe: Whatever, I'll take the rolling pin.

Baxter: Knife please.

Tony hands them their weapons.

Tony: Now……we fight….._FOR FREEDOM!_

Chloe and Baxter: HUZZAH!

Tony, Baxter and Chloe charge out the door, all of the zombies are holding guns.

Chloe: ACK!

Mandy: That was for the garlic, bye now!

Mandy poofs out.

Baxter: Retreat!

Chloe and Baxter haul back in the kitchen.

Tony: You guys don't scare me!

One of the zombies looms in to bite Tony as Chloe grabs him, pulling him into the kitchen.

Tony: ACK!

Baxter: That didn't work.

Tony: Okay, _time for plan B_!

Chloe: Go down through the vent.

Tony: Nope, we use _reverse psychology!_

Chloe: WHAT!?!

Baxter: Do you even know what that is?

Tony: Of course, silly! Here, watch.

Baxter: I have a feeling it's just going to be the two of us before the hour's up.

Chloe: I wouldn't be surprised.

Tony: Okay zombies! I want you to eat me!

Baxter: -groan-

Tony: See, if you act scared, and you go 'Please Don't Eat Me!' They will. If you _want_ to be eaten then you go….

Tony looks down to see a zombie chewing on his arm. –MUNCH MUNCH!-

Chloe and Baxter: ACK!

Tony: That stings…

Baxter: Nice knowing you.

Tony: Wait!

Tony pushes the zombie away.

Tony: We're still going right.

Chloe: Uh….

Baxter: Uh….

Tony: Uh, what?!

Chloe: Well, not if you're a zombie, you're bound to turn into one now!

Tony: Well, technically I'm still dead. So if you think about it, I've been a zombie this entire time!

Baxter: ……..

Chloe: ……..

Baxter: ….._really?!_

Chloe: NO! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard….this hour. If you were dead the zombies wouldn't want you!

Tony: No, _it's just that I taste really good!_

Chloe: Oh barf….

Baxter: I'm leaving.

Tony: HEY!

Chloe: Fine, you can come with us. But the second you start eating people, we kill you.

Tony: But I'm already dead.

Chloe: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Tony: Fine, Yeesh.

Baxter: Hey, guys, we're coming down there.

Tony pulls off the vent and drops into the room below. Chloe lowers herself into the room as well, Baxter follows closing up the vent behind him.

Tony: Hi guys!

Nadia: What's wrong with your arm?

Tony: Nasty Green Bean Casserole Accident.

Karen: I hate those.

Chloe: NO! You got bitten by a zombie!

Nadia: WHAT?!

Tony: She's just pulling your leg.

Nadia: I can see the teeth marks, Tony.

Tony: Oh right.

Jigsaw: It's time for the next game.

Karen: Yay! More games.

Chloe: Eh…..

7:12:11, At the Australian White House………..what? There's an Australian White house…..I think.

General Fanderbelt enters the chambers of Australian President Harry Love.

Harry: Hello friends.

General: We have a situation.

Harry: Okay.

General: …..Jack Bauer…….is alive……

Harry: I see…….how do you know this?

General: We have one of our spies; he got these pictures of him and a Agent Mike Doyle _trying to hijack a retirement bus_.

Harry: I see, I knew that Noah Daniels was pulling something fishy.

General: Shall I have the United States blown up?

Harry: No…..in fact we wont let Daniels know about your….'discovery'.

General: Uh…….why not?

Harry: We'll deal with Bauer ourselves……

General: ……interesting……what did you have in mind….

Harry: Mwa ha ha ha!

General: …….

Harry: Oh sorry. Okay, here's what we'll do.

7:14:12, Harry and General Fannybandit discuss secrets / Tony and Karen are having a dance off, Chloe vomits / Jack and the others are driving to the boat dock / Tom is shooting a Calvin Klein commercial.

Tom: _Anger. Hate. Love. Clowns. Sad. Pancakes. Obsession…by Calvin Klein._

Noah: Do you mind!? We have work to do!

Tom: Oh, right.

Uh, meanwhile…..

Jack: Allright let's get the body out of here.

Jack, Doyle, Michelle, Sherry, and Morris pile out of the car and grab the health inspector.

Jack: Allright and heave ho!

They waddle, carrying the body to the end of the dock, dumping him into the water. –SPLASH!-

Dawson: HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing!?

Jack: Uh oh!

Michelle: Jack! You just dumped the body of the health inspector in _Dawson's Creek!_

Jack: Yeah, well. You were holding him too, so you're liable as well, sister!

Michelle: Hmph.

Joey: Dawson! There's a dead body in the creek!

Dawson: Enough of that, Joey. We now have to talk about _sexual intercourse!_

Morris: Oh barf, DAHLING……

Jack: Get a room!

Sherry: Enough, we did our job lets get back before someone sees us!

Doyle: But what about the people from Dawson's Creek?

Sherry: Please Agent Doyle. _Nobody gives a crap about Dawson's creek!_

Dawson: HEY!

Jack: Mission Complete! Let's go home.

They walk back to the car and drive away, leaving the horrible past….behind them…..in the past……

THE END……of this segment.

7:17:01

Meanwhile, at The Actual White House.

Noah is messing with his _Chia Pet_. Tom walks in.

Tom: Mr. President, we have a situation.

Noah: Jack Bauer is alive, isn't he?

Tom: Uh, yes Mr. President, you already know that.

Noah: …..of course.

Tom: We received a disturbing individual on the phone for you.

Noah: Okay…..I'll take it.

Tom hands Noah the phone.

Noah: Yes?

Voice: I have a hostage.

Noah: Good for you.

Voice: Hmm. Okay, here's the thing. I want to see you in person, we have matters to discuss.

Noah: What kind of matters? And why can't we just discuss this over the phone.

Voice: We must meet in person. You must get here to Los Angeles as fast as you can.

Noah: _Los Angeles!?_ I can't make it there that quickly!

Voice: Take a conveniently fast jet.

Noah: Hmm, I guess I could do that.

Voice: And you must come alone!

Noah: What about Tom, if he stays here at the White House he'll be worthless to the plot!

Voice: Ugh….fine you can bring him! But no one else!

Noah: And what if I change my mind?

Voice: I'll kill the hostage!

Noah: ………..and?

Voice: Hmm, that won't get you huh? Okay I'll…..dump a vat of toxic waste into the city's water supply!

Noah: Well, that wouldn't be pleasant.

Voice: No it wouldn't.

Noah: Okay then, Tom and I will start getting our stuff together right now.

Noah hangs up the phone.

Noah: Hmmm……this can't be good.

Tom: Well, I can finally leave this place, thank god.

Noah: You know, I still can't help but wonder what happened to Karen?

Tom: Ah, she'll turn up.

7:19:11, back at the House of Wax.

Milo closes a door behind him in a bathroom on the second floor of the house.

Milo: Okay I lost her.

Bill: Yay.

Milo: Okay, now what do we do? We lost Kim and Logan.

Bill: I don't know.

They both look around.

Milo: I know, I can get a glass of water and throw it on her.

Bill: Nah, I don't think that'll work.

Bill looks over to see a book on the toilet.

Bill: Oy! What is this?

Bill walks over and picks up the book. He starts to flip through a couple of pages.

Milo: Hmm…..we can throw toilet paper on her, but that would just piss her off.

Bill: Interesting.

Milo: What?

Bill: This thing I'm reading.

Milo looks at the cover of the book.

Milo: What is 'The Book Of Shadows'?

Bill: I guess it's a spell book of some sort.

Milo: Well, what does it have in it?

Bill: Let's see. There's a spell in here to _make us become witches_.

Milo: Perfect! Then we can take down Ima with no problem!

Bill: Okay, here goes._ Morva_….._Fortuna_……_Expialladocious!_

-POOF!-

Bill: Hmm. I don't feel very witchy.

Milo: Neither do I…..

Bill: …uh…..

Milo: What?

Bill: Oh crap.

Milo: What is it…..hey…._I can't move!_...What the hell is wrong with me?!

Bill: I think I turned you _into a pumpkin_.

Milo: WHAT?!

Bill picks up Milo the pumpkin and shows his reflection in the mirror.

Milo: ACK!? Bill, do something.

The Book Of Shadows instantly disintegrates. –FIZZLE!-

Bill: Well, that's not good.

Milo: Dammit! Well, say that spell again!

Bill: _So I can turn into a pumpkin_!? No thanks.

Milo: Come on!

Bill: Wait……I just had an idea.

Bill holds onto Milo the pumpkin and runs out of the restroom.

7:26:12, at Jigsaw's.

Jigsaw: Okay slaves!

Chloe: -sigh-

Jigsaw: This next game will be extremely dangerous…..which is always good.

Karen: Finally, on to the good stuff.

Jigsaw: You will find two bandanas on the table behind you; Chloe and Tony will take the red one, as Nadia and Karen take the blue one.

Nadia: Bandanas?

Tony: Is this a three legged race?

Chloe: Don't be ridiculous, Tony.

Jigsaw: Yes it is.

Chloe: ECK!

Baxter: What do I do?

Jigsaw: You are the judge.

Baxter: Yes!

Tony ties the red bandana on his and Chloe's leg; Nadia does the same for her and Karen.

Karen: This is so much fun! (Claps)

Nadia: I feel like I'm going to scream.

Jigsaw: Okay, I'm going to go grab a bite to eat, Mr. Baxter, you know what to do.

Baxter: Okay! Ready team?

Tony: Ready!

Karen: Ready!

Chloe & Nadia: Not ready!

Baxter: GO!

They take off; Chloe and Tony instantly fall on their faces. –WHAMP!-

Chloe: OW!

Tony: That smarts…

Karen: We're going to win!

Nadia: Maybe we can finally get out of this horrible place.

Nadia and Karen cross the finish line.

Karen: WE DID IT! We won!

Baxter: Yay for the blue team!

Karen: What do we win?

Baxter: Hell if I know.

Chloe: That is it! We have to get out of here.

Chloe walks over to the door and tries to open it.

Chloe: Crap.

Tony: Could this get any worse?

Chloe: Tony! Why did you have to say that?!

Tony: What are you talking about?

Tony turns around to find Mandy standing behind them.

Tony: Oh right, _that._

Mandy: You all are still alive; I'm going to have to do something about that.

Tony: Eeep!

Nadia: Now Mandy, we can settle this like adults….

Mandy: OR…I could just kill you.

Nadia: OR…..you could let us go. We won't tell anybody you're a witch.

Mandy: OR…..I could just kill you right now, and I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Tony: I have an idea. Watch this.

Baxter: Oh hell….

Chloe: Well, we're doomed.

Tony: You know what Mandy? _I want you to kill me_.

Nadia: WHAT?!

Chloe: Oh man. He's _using reverse psychology again_.

Mandy: Excuse me?

Tony: I'm not afraid of you….I want you to kill me……it'll be fun……or….._are you chicken_…?

Mandy: I'm not afraid to kill you….I will kill you….

Tony: _-BAWK-_...

Mandy: Stop it, Tony. I'm not going to tell you again.

Tony: -_BAWK- -BAWK-_

He starts flapping his arms.

Mandy: DIE!

Mandy flings a fireball at Tony, who ducks just in time as it hits the door, incinerating it. –WOOSH!-

Mandy: Damn!

Tony grabs a chair and breaks it over Mandy's head. –CRASH!-

Tony: Take that!

Chloe: Oh my god, a plan of Tony's actually worked.

Baxter: There's a first time for everything, let's get the hell out of here!

Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen rush out of the room.

Jigsaw: Okay, I'm back. What did I miss………hello?...WHAT THE!? They're gone!? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

7:30:08, Chloe, Tony, Nadia, Karen, and Baxter run down a mysterious hallway / Jack, Michelle, Doyle, Morris, and Sherry are pulling into CTU / Bill peeks down a hallway carrying Milo the pumpkin / Noah and Tom about to load up in an insanely fast jet.

Jack and the others walk into the main hall of CTU.

Jack: Well, I'm glad that ordeal is over.

Doyle: Yea, but what are we going to do about Audrey now that she's a witch, and your grandmother who's still a witch, and everybody else in this damn story who just keeps turning into witches.

Jack: Hmm…..I'll look into that. I'll talk to that leprechaun and maybe he might know something.

Doyle: Okay, I'll go with you.

Jack: That's fine. Will you ladies be okay here?

Morris: HEY!

Jack: Oh, and Morris.

Sherry: I think we'll be okay Jack.

Michelle: Sure.

Morris: Especially since I'm here.

Sherry and Michelle roll their eyes.

Jack: Okay, let's go Doyle!

Doyle: Right!

Jack takes 2 steps before noticing a note on Morris' desk.

Jack: Hmm…….

Jack picks up the note.

Jack: Uh, Morris? Did you always have this here?

Morris: No, what is it?

Jack: I don't know……

Michelle: ……

Doyle: ……

Sherry: ……

Jack: ….well, bye!

Michelle: Open the note, Jack!

Jack: Oh, right, right.

Jack slowly opens the note.

Jack: Oh……my……god……

Sherry: What is it, Jack?

Jack: …….._it's blank!_

Michelle slaps her forehead.

Morris: Other side, Jack.

Jack: Oh, oops! Ha ha ha! I don't know why I keep doing that.

Jack turns the paper over.

Jack: Let's see……._I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST HOUR_…….

Michelle: WHAT?!

Doyle: Not good.

Jack: Okay! I'm sorry. I really had to use the restroom but I was too busy so I took a leak on Sherry's plant.

Sherry: YOU DID WHAT?!

Jack: I really had to go.

Sherry: Wait. I don't have any plants.

Jack: Yeah you do, it's in the shape of a pig or something.

Sherry: That would be my _Chia Pet_.

Jack: That was it.

Sherry: _You relieved yourself on my Chia Pet?!_

Jack: Yeah, what's the big deal?

Sherry looks up at the 2nd floor office which the Chia Pet has grown to immense size, crushing through the glass walls. –CRASH!-

Morris: Hmm. Okay, note to self. _Don't pee on the Chia Pet_.

Sherry: Jack! That's going to take forever to get rid of!

Michelle: That's actually really gross.

Jack: I don't see what the big deal is, you fussy britches…

Michelle: Jack! The letter. Do you think it was from the victim?

Jack: Of course not!

Morris: Yeah, dahling. He wouldn't have put that there before he croaked.

Michelle: But….but what if he isn't dead…….what if he came back to avenge his attempted murder…..I've seen it happen…..

Jack: That is absolutely redicul…..

The lights cut out. Everyone starts screaming.

Jack: AAAAHHHH!!!!!

Sherry: Okay, everybody calm down. All we have to do is just get to the circuit breaker. Michelle and Morris, you go to the basement.

Morris: We have a basement.

Sherry: Yes. Now you go down there and flip the breaker, I'll stay up here with the two agents with guns.

Michelle: Oh great, thanks.

Michelle and Morris make their way through the dark hallways, bumping into desks left and right.

Morris: OOF!

Michelle: Ow…..ow, dammit.

Morris: Oh, that stung.

7:37:35, Wax House. Kim and Logan or trapped inside a bathroom, Ima is trying to get inside the bathroom as well. Does she succeed? Let's watch……

Ima: Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll blow this door down! I can do that you know, I am a witch now.

Kim: Yeah, what's up with that? How did you become witches anyway?

Ima: Uh……I can't say.

Kim: Oh, that's lame.

Logan: Kim, look over here.

Kim: What?

Logan opens up a cabinet drawer, revealing a long tunnel.

Kim: It's a secret passage!

Logan: SHH! Don't say it so loud.

Ima: Say what so loud?

Kim and Logan: Nothing!

Ima: Oh, okay.

Logan: We can crawl through here and escape.

Kim: How do you know where it'll go?

Logan: Anyplace will lead us in a better situation then the one we're in now. Let's get moving.

Kim: Okay, I'll tell Ima goodbye.

Kim starts to get up, Logan drags her back down.

Kim: OW! What was that for?

Logan: You dolt! We're running from her, we don't want to let her know _where we are headed_!

Kim: Oh, right. Okay, lead the way.

Logan crawls in the cabinet tunnel, Kim follows, closing the door behind her.

Ima: Okay, I'm done waiting, I'm coming in now!

Ima blows down the door and flies in.

Ima: What's this?! They're gone! Wha….wha……_-gasp­-_…..I hope they didn't find 'The Book Of Shadows'…..only terrible things can come out of using that cursed book!

Meanwhile….

Milo: What do you plan on doing?

Bill: You'll see.

Milo: Man, I wished you wouldn't have found that 'Book Of Shadows'….only terrible things come out of that cursed book.

Bill: Speak for yourself!

Milo: _I am speaking for myself!_ You turned me into a pumpkin!

Bill: Well it it's any consolation, it was an accident. Everything will turn out fine!

Milo: Speak for yourself!

Bill: I was speaking for myself.

Milo: Grr…..

Back at CTU.

Michelle and Morris walk down some creaky stairs to the basement.

Michelle: Okay, let's make this quick.

Morris: Right, dahling.

Michelle: I think the breaker is over there.

Meanwhile, a few feet away from them.

Terrorist Bob: …..what was that noise?

Terrorist Bill: Oh crap! They're back, we're busted for sure.

T Bob: Don't worry, we'll get out of this.

T Bill: Okay.

Morris opens a panel for the circuit breaker.

Morris: Oh man, none of these switches are labeled.

Michelle: Try….._that one_.

Morris: What makes you so sure it's that one?

Michelle: I have a gut feeling.

Morris: _A gut feeling!?_ Are you serious? That could be the wrong switch and it could blow up the building.

Michelle: That's just absurd. Flip it.

Morris: No.

Michelle: Morris, flip the switch.

Morris: No, it could be the wrong one, and if it blows up the building I know somehow it's going to be blamed on me.

Michelle: Well yeah, that's the point.

Morris: I'm not flipping it.

Michelle: Fine! Then flip one.

Morris: Oh…….I don't know……_which one should I flip?_

Michelle: ARGH! I told you but you wouldn't listen….

Morris: Okay. I'll flip this switch.

Morris flicks the switch in the 'upward' position.

-BANG!-

Michelle: AAAHHH!!!

Morris: AAIIIEEEE!!!!

Michelle and Morris drop to the ground.

Morris: See! I told you.

Michelle: Wait……that was a gunshot.

Michelle slowly stands up; she turns around to see Terrorist Bob and Terrorist Bill.

Michelle: Oh crap.

Morris: Hmm…

T Bob: Okay, you're coming with us.

Michelle: Man….

Suddenly, a mysterious figure leaps from the shadows. He pulls out a fishing hook and stabs both of the terrorists. –SHOINK! SLICE!-

Terrorists Bob and Bill drop to the ground.

Michelle: Whew! That was close.

Morris: Agreed.

The man starts coming after Michelle and Morris.

Michelle: Oh no…..I don't think he's on our side.

Morris: ….you think!? Run for it!

Michelle and Morris dash up the stairs with the dark fisherman killer guy in hot pursuit.

Back in the main hall.

Doyle: Man….._so does anybody work here anymore?_

Sherry: I don't know. I can't keep up.

Doyle: So, Jack. You're going to find this 'leprechaun' fella, huh?

Jack: Yup! He's the one that told me how to save Audrey.

Doyle: Oh, did you do it correctly, seeing how she's a witch now?

Jack: Well yes. All I had to do was kill the beast at Agatha's mansion.

Sherry: And did you?

Jack: ……yes…….well……I think I did……

-FLASHBACK-

Jack: It's raining, quite hard actually.

Agatha: HA!

Agatha zaps the beast off of the roof. He falls to his death. –SPLAT-

Jack: _EXPECTO PETRONUM!_

Agatha: Block!

Jack: DAMMIT!

-FIN-

Doyle: Wait….._you didn't actually kill the beast?_ Agatha did?

Jack: Ok……_maybe a little_.

Doyle: Well, that's a shame too. I heard that the beast was under a spell, put on him by an evil witch. And just as long as his true love said she loved him, it would've broken the spell.

Jack: Yeah……that didn't happen.

-FLASHBACK-

Beast: Hello.

Jack: Hi friends!

Chloe, Tony, Logan, and the others: Hi Jack.

Jack: Oh, hi Kim!

Kim: Hi dad!

Jack: Thanks for not killing my daughter, _I love you!_

Logan: ACK!

-FIN-

Doyle: _You told the beast you loved him!_

Jack: Well…….a little…..

Doyle: Jack, if you try to cheat the system to break a spell like that, it will only backfire and make the witch who cursed him _even more powerful_.

Jack: What?! How do you know that?

Doyle: Everyone knows that.

Jack looks at Sherry.

Sherry: Yeah, I knew that.

Doyle: Because long ago, there was a myth about a group of 4 witches…..

Jack: A coven.

Doyle: Whatever, these witches roamed the city torturing civilians left and right.

Jack: What happened?

Doyle: When they were taking a break the S.W.A.T team captured them and they had a witch trial. They burned at the stake, all that good stuff.

Jack: So…….?

Doyle: Well, it's been told that the head witch said right before she died that she will wreck havoc on the city in the future by using her spirit to take a human form, then when she became powerful enough, she would use the souls of her fallen sisters to take human forms as well, then the 4 witches will be reborn….again……

Jack: …..I'm sorry, that was waay too much detailed information, are you a mole?

Doyle: No, I read it in a book.

Jack looks at Sherry.

Sherry: I read the same book, he's right.

Jack: So……let me get this straight. There were 4 witches, they died. The leader came back and has taken over the form of my grandmother's body. She used her magic to put a spell on Prince whatshisface, I screwed up the curse, she's now more powerful, and now has the ability to use the roaming spirits of her sisters to put in human forms as well, which is probably what she did with Audrey and 2 other people, correct?

Doyle: That would probably seem like the most sensible theory.

Jack: So….the moral is….

Doyle: Is that you screwed up big time and will be the death of all of us.

Jack: Oh please, we're perfectly fine; nobody is going to kill us.

Michelle and Morris run into the main hall.

Michelle: Somebody is trying to kill us!

Jack: You guys really need to stop doing that; it's making me look bad.

Michelle: We went to the basement; there were terrorists down there….

Sherry: _Terrorists?!_

Michelle: Yeah, and this fisherman guy hopped out and killed them, then came after us.

Morris: With a hook……

Doyle: Uh…..

The fisherman runs into the main hall wielding his hook.

Michelle: ACK!

Morris: AIIEEE!!!

Doyle pulls out his gun and shoots the fisherman in the face. –BANG!-

He drops to the ground.

Michelle: Oh….well that was simple.

Sherry: See, that is why I stayed up here with the guys with guns.

Michelle: Well, you could've sent one of them down there with me, you sent me with _Morris!_ What was he going to do? _Offer them his latest selection of women's shoes!?_

Morris: HEY! I made good money doing that!

Sherry: So…..who's the killer?

Jack walks over to the fisherman's body and pulls off the mask.

Jack: DON KNOTTS!?

Michelle: Good grief….

Sherry: No it's……

Morris: Bloody hell, _it's Dawson! From Dawson's Creek!_

Dawson: Oh…..and I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.

Jack: What are you doing here?

Michelle: Yeah, I thought you were the health inspector we killed about an hour ago.

Dawson: Oh no, he was dead. I was just pissed that you dumped that rotting corpse _into my creek!_

Michelle: Oh…..

Sherry rolls her eyes.

Sherry: Well, throw him in holding for now. We have bigger issues to deal with.

Jack: Huh?

Sherry: We have to find out what those terrorists were doing here. They might not be dead, you guys go retrieve them. Maybe they can give us some information.

Jack: Right! Come on Doyle.

Sherry: No, he stays here, Morris you go with him.

Jack: _Morris!?_ Man, what's he going to do, _offer them his new line of women's shoes?!_

Michelle: I already said that Jack.

Morris: You all can bite me.

7:50:12, back at the Wax House.

Bill walks up some stairs to the second floor, holding Milo the pumpkin.

Milo: Man, I hate being a pumpkin.

Bill: Oh quit whining.

Milo: Okay, we'll switch.

Bill: HA! Hell no, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes…..if you still had them.

Milo: GRR!

Ima flies in front of them.

Bill: Oh crap!

Milo: It's the witch!

Bill: Uh….Uh…..

Milo: Okay, that plan can come into good use right about now, Bill!

Bill: Right!

Bill slowly walks up to Ima.

Bill: If you let me go….._I will give you this pumpkin!_

Ima: _I love pumpkins!_

Milo: WHAT!? Bill, you traitor!

Ima: Oh, it talks. I don't like it when they do that. Okay, I'm going to have to kill you.

Ima readies up a huge ball of flame.

Bill: Oh this can't be good.

Ima starts to throw it toward Bill and Milo's direction when suddenly, Kim and Logan fall from a vent on the ceiling. They land on Ima, making her miss. The flame hits the wall and starts to spread. –FWOOSH!-

Bill: There you guys are!

Kim: Oh crap!

Ima: _It's you!_ Oh, you won't get away with this!

Flames start spreading on the carpet around them.

Ima: I'm going to seal your fates! All of you! Mwa ha ha ha!

Kim: uh…..uh……here!

Kim grabs the pumpkin from Bill's hands and tosses it towards Ima. It hits her in the head before falling to the ground below, crushing into pieces. –SPLAT!-

Ima: ACK!

Ima loses her balance and falls over the railing to the first floor in a giant oozing mass of wax, she sinks underneath it. Bill, Logan, and Kim watch to see if she surfaces…..which she does not.

Logan: ….wow……you killed her, Kim.

Kim: Man….._Ima Relieved!_ Ha ha ha ha….

Kim, Logan, and Bill laugh….for a couple of seconds.

Kim: Say, where's Milo?

Bill: Oh, I turned him into a pumpkin.

Kim: Oh that sucks….wait…..was that?

Bill: Yeah…..

Kim: Oh……uh oh……

Logan: I think we need to leave, now.

Logan, Kim, and Bill run downstairs. Bill and Logan managed to open the door, as the group bolts outside to watch the building melt to the ground.

Kim: It's over…….

Logan: …..not quite….

Kim: …..yeah……_How the hell do we get home?_

Logan: ……

Bill: …….

Kim: …hmm……hey, the McDonald's is open. That's strange.

Logan: Yeah, I thought….nevermind, let's go.

They walk toward the McDonalds as the screen shrinks down at 7:55:01. Kim, Logan, and Bill walk into the fast food joint / Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen are still running down a hall, reaching an elevator. / Jack and Morris walk downstairs into the basement / Michelle, Doyle, and Sherry hang out in the main hall / Harry is eating some ice cream / Noah and Tom are flying to Los Angeles.

Chloe: Which floor?

Baxter: I don't know. I guess the 1st.

Chloe: Yeah…..

Nadia: I hope there's no guards are anything.

Chloe presses the 1st floor button.

The elevator starts to move.

Tony: You know, I could go for some pizza now.

Everyone agrees.

Suddenly, an alarm goes off. –WEE! WOO! WEE! WOO!-

Baxter: The hell!?

Chloe: Uh oh.

There's a banging on the elevator door.

The doors start to open, Tony quickly presses the 'Close Doors' button, which they shut.

Voice: Prisoners! You will let us in! Don't make us use force.

Chloe: What should we do?

They look around the elevator. The doors start to open, Tony closes them again.

Tony: Well, I have to keep them closed; they'll probably throw us in a prison.

Karen: Yeah, without games too I bet!

Chloe: We have to think of something fast….

Tony: I got it!

Tony reaches for the 'Open Door' button.

Chloe and Baxter: NO!!!!!

They tackle Tony.

Baxter: Tony, friend, you may have gotten us out of a bind last time but that was just luck. And please, _reverse psychology doesn't work all the time!_

Tony: Man, you guys are no fun.

Voice: This is your last chance! Open the door!

Chloe: …..

Tony: …..

Voice: Okay! Get the explosives.

Chloe: Oh crap…..

Back at CTU.

Morris and Jack look around the basement; the bodies of the 2 terrorists are gone.

Morris: Dahling, they were here. Michelle and I saw them!

Jack: Hmm…..

Agatha walks from the shadows.

Agatha: Looking for something?

Morris: EEP!

Jack: It's you.

Agatha: I see I didn't succeed in killing you last time.

Jack: I don't care what you have to say, you're not my grandmother. I know you were just some spirit or something….actually Doyle told me the whole thing; I just forgot what he said.

Agatha: Enough! This city will pay for making my sisters and I suffer the horrible burnings at the stake that night!

Jack: Uh….

Morris: Really? _Hmm, when it happened to Chloe she didn't complain that much._

Jack: Well, I know you have taken over Agatha's body. And killing you is the only way I can do this.

Agatha: Don't be stupid, Jack.

Jack pulls out his wand.

Morris: Oh geez, here we go.

Agatha: ……..

Jack: ……

Agatha: ………

Jack: _EXPECTO PETRONUM!_

Agatha: Block!

Agatha waves her wand back at Jack; she shoots a beam of green light at him.

Jack: Reflect!

Agatha: AH!

Jack reflects the beam back onto Agatha. –ZAP!-

Agatha: URK!...

Agatha slumps to the ground.

Morris: Well, _that was a little anti-climatic_.

Jack kneels down next to Agatha.

Jack: I'm sorry……

Agatha: Jack….I knew you had to do this….

Morris looks at Jack.

Morris: Uh, this is getting a little dramatic.

Jack: What happened to Audrey?

Agatha: ……when….when my body was possessed by the leader of the coven, and you screwed up big time by corrupting the beasts spell, the souls of her sisters took the forms of 3 women. 2 of them took over the bodies of Charles Logan's assistants, Ima and Mandy. Then the youngest sister, took advantage of Audrey being in a coma, took over her body. And now…..now that you have slain the leader…..

Jack: What?...

Agatha: Now that you've slain me, the souls of the other sisters should be destroyed as well.

Jack: Would that kill them.

Agatha: No, it wouldn't…..kill them…..they'll be fine…..but you just had to kill their leader….

Jack: I see….

Morris: So what now?

Jack: So I can save Audrey now?

Agatha: I don't know….where she would be now……but you must stop him…..

Jack: Him? Who?...who must I stop?

Agatha: The man…..that Logan and I have been working for……

Jack: How do you know who he is?

Agatha: I've spent more time with him than Logan did. I was his favorite…..

Jack: Ah….

Agatha: He….. is going to kill the president.

Jack: ….who?

Agatha: ……R….r……_Rolando Callahan_….

Jack: ….say what?!

Agatha: yes……we've been working for him…….the entire time….

Morris: The ex-president of the United States? I thought he was dead.

Agatha: ….he….faked his death…..by pretending to be poisoned……he…..is trying to lure…..the president here……to LA…….so he can kill him……you must…..stop….him……urk…

Agatha rolls over to the side, becoming unresponsive.

Jack: ……oh man…..

Morris: This has gotten _too dramatic_. I better break the ice.

Morris throws a pie in Jack's face. –SPLAT!-

Jack: UGH! Was that really necessary?

Morris: Yes…..yes it was.

7:59:57

7:59:58

7:59:59

8:00:00

Milo wakes up…..in a white room.

Milo: What the….where am I….?

He is approached by _George Mason_.

Mason: Hello, Milo.

Milo: Oh crap, it's you!

Mason: Good to see you too.

Milo: What happened? Where am I?

Mason: You are dead.

Milo: Oh no! Not that!

Mason: And I have come to ask you if you would like to join me…._and become a grim reaper?_

Milo: Say what?

Mason: I need a new assistant; _my last one was really sloppy_.

Milo: I don't understand.

Mason: You got turned into a pumpkin and got killed, now you are in the afterlife, got it?

Milo: Oh……..wait……why is this scene being shown, didn't the clock already hit 8:00?

Mason: Oh, the digital clock is a little fast this week.

Milo: Oh…..

Mason: Yeah…..

Milo: I see……

Mason: …….yup….

Milo: …….

George: ……….Okay, let's go.

Milo stands up and follows Mason.

7:59:57

7:59:58

7:59:59

8:00:00

Sam: That is a wrap! Finally, we're done with this absurd witch plot!

Fred: Well, that's good.

Paul: I have even better news.

Fred: What?

Paul: '24' is labeled 'The best show this season'……_says Teen Beat Magazine_.

Fred: _-groan-_

NEXT TIME ON 24……..

-SWOOSH-

Michelle: Callahan is alive?

Jack: Yes.

Sherry: That is insane.

Morris: I agree!

Morris throws a pie in Jack's face again. –SPLOOK!-

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: Oh no! I'm never going to get rid of these pimples, and it's only 5 minutes before prom!

Tony: Try this Chloe O'Brian.

Chloe puts some astringent on her face. –SIZZLE!-

Chloe: AAAHHH! _My flesh! It burns!_

Tony: That only means it's working….

-SWOOSH-

Kim: So what did you get?

Bill: I got a hamburger with _no pickles!_

Logan: That's it? Your bag looks pretty full.

Bill flips the bag upside down, a giant load of pickles fall out.

Bill shakes his fist in the air.

Bill: _THOSE BASTARDS!_

-SWOOSH-

On the jet.

Noah: So what in-flight film can we watch?

Tom: We have 'Happy Feet'……and 'The Happy Feet Deluxe Edition' which includes outtakes, a making of segment, _and 197 hours of extended footage_.

Noah: I see.

Noah grabs for a parachute and heads for the exit.

AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK!...beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……beep……


	14. 8:00pm 'Haunted By The Past'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that good gravy, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Wookies were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 14

8:00pm – 9:00pm 'Haunted By The Past'

ON A CLEAR SUNNY DAY ON A MONDAY MORNING IN FRONT OF PAUL'S HOUSE.

Paul walks out of his house and out to his car to go to work. He notices Fred operating a lemonade stand.

Paul: Uh….morning Fred.

Fred: Morning Paul.

Paul: Uh….so…..what's going on?

Fred: Running a lemonade stand.

Paul: Cool, cool. Are…uh…..you going into work today?

Fred: Nope!

Paul: Ok, that's cool. Um…….how come?

Fred: I'm quitting the writing staff.

Paul: WHAT!? You can't quit! We need you!

Fred: Come on Paul; look at what we've become. Look at where the plot of '24' has taken us.

Paul: What do you mean?

Fred: Oh, please. You haven't noticed it?

Paul: No.

Fred: Look what we've gotten ourselves into this season. We've been through god only knows how many presidents, Ronald McDonald and Kim Bauer both being one, we've had witches, zombies, McDonalds brand teleportation devices, numerous IHOP references, characters coming back from the dead, turning into pumpkins or grim reapers. I mean….its just not the same anymore.

Paul: Well, we can fix it. It's not too late.

Fred: I don't know, Paul.

Paul: Tell you what. You take the day off and sell lemonade. You leave the writing to Sam and me.

Fred: That's what I'm afraid of.

Paul: Nonsense! Ok, I'll talk to you later, sell lots of lemonade!

Paul gets in his car and drives off.

A little girl walks up.

Fred: Hi, would you like some lemonade?

Girl: _Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!_

Fred: Uh….what are you talking about?

Girl: I mean _this!_

Fred: Oh….I'm just selling lemonade.

Girl: I'm selling lemonade too!

Fred: Big deal! You want a prize or something?

Girl: You're trying to take away from my business.

Fred: No I'm not!

The girl whistles, The Mafia shows up.

Fred: Uh…..

Girl: Take care of this. Then break his legs!

The Mafia tears Fred's lemonade stand to shreds. –CRASH!-

Fred: You know, I think I'll go to work today.

Fred runs off.

Beep….beep…..beep…..beep……bepbepbepbepbpebpebpepbpebe…..24!!!!!!

Chloe: Previously on 24……

-SWOOSH-

Kim, Charles Logan, Bill, and Milo run through the woods.

Milo: We're being chased by a psycho killer witch!

Bill: Let's hide in this _House Of Wax!_

Bill turns Milo into a pumpkin after reading a spell from 'The Book Of Shadows' –POOF-

Milo: ACK!

Kim throws Milo the pumpkin and hits Ima in the head, Ima and Milo fall to their deaths. –SPLAT!-

Kim: That was Milo?

Bill: Yes.

Kim: Whoops! (KIM BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Milo: Where am I?

George Mason: This is the afterlife; you will become a grim reaper now.

Milo: Oh man, not this plot again! (MILO PRESSMAN)

-SWOOSH-

Tom: Mr. President, I have a person on the phone for you.

Noah: Hello?

Voice: I have a hostage, and if you aren't willing to buy that I am going to dump crap into the city's water supply. I must speak with you personally and only you….

Tom: -ahem-

Voice: -sigh-….only you and Mr. Lennox can come. Get here as fast as you can.

Noah: Hmm…..

Tom: Who was it?

Noah: Now how would I know that?!

Tom: Just asking, Yeesh…. (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry, Jack, Doyle, Michelle, and Morris dump the body of the health inspector into Dawson's creek. –SPLASH!-

Michelle: I think that the health inspector is still alive and is trying to kill us. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Jack rips off the fisherman's mask.

Morris: Oh bloody hell, it's _Dawson!_

Dawson: And I would've…

Everyone (deadpan): _gotten away with it too if it weren't for us meddling kids_….

Dawson: Uh….yeah…..

-SWOOSH-

Tony, Chloe, Nadia, and Karen participate in a three legged race. Baxter judges.

Baxter: And….go!

Mandy fires a bolt at Tony, who ducks; it hits the door setting them free. Tony hits Mandy over the head with a chair. –KWACK!-

Mandy: OOF!

They run into an elevator.

Voice: You better open this door or we will blow it open!

Chloe: I really need to start calling in sick more… (CHLOE O'BRIAN AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

General Funkytown: What should we do about Bauer, now that he's alive and the American President lied to us?

Harry: Don't worry about Noah Daniels……we'll with Bauer….._a different way_. (AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE)

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Okay, now what happened, explain it to me again.

Agatha: -sigh-. A long time ago there were these witches who were burned at the stake and they didn't like it and the leader sworn vengeance on the people later, her soul would come back and take someone's human form, which is what happened to me. Upon doing so I try to go to the Prince's castle, he was a jerk, I put him under a horrible curse that can be lifted if his true love confessed her love to him, or can be botched and thus me getting my strength and all my powers back by some idiot.

Jack: That would be me… (JACK BAUER)

Agatha: Right. With that, I would then have the power to summon the souls of my sisters who would take on the human forms of Mandy The Assassin, Ima Mole, and Audrey Raines. The only way to eradicate the damage done is to take out the leader, and the souls of her sisters will disappear along with them, as long as the 'host' of the souls did not perish, they will revert back to normal.

Morris: _That's the plot?!_

Ima falls into a massive pool of wax, sinking to death. Agatha dies at the hands of Jack reversing her green light beam spell thing. Mandy lies unconscious in Jigsaw's Playhouse. Audrey is god only knows where……

Agatha: You must stop my superior….._ex-president Rolando Callahan_….

Jack: WHAT?! I thought he died in Episode 1!?

Agatha: He…faked his death…and…..was in charge….or everything all along…..URK!

Jack: Looks like this isn't over yet.

Morris: Dammit! _I want to eat and take a nap for cryin out loud!_

Jack: The following takes place between 8:00pm and 9:00pm.

Jack and Morris walk back into the main hall of CTU. Michelle, Doyle and Sherry sit on desks talking about something unimportant.

Sherry: Morris!

Jack: _and Jack!_

Sherry: I needed to ask if you had _anything in a size 19._

Michelle: Good lord!

Morris: Sure do, dahling!

Morris whips out a suitcase filled with _women's shoes_.

Michelle: Ugh…

Jack: Agatha Bauer is dead.

Doyle: Huh!?

Michelle: What?! How is that?

Jack: Man I have to explain it!? _Don't you people ever watch the show!?_

Michelle: Uh….

Morris: Hmm….

Jack: Okay, here's the speed through. There were these witches, they croaked, the leader's spirit came back and needed a body to fill, she took Agatha's, she put curse on The Beast, I screwed up the process of the spell getting broken. She became really bad and powerful and summoned the souls of her dead sisters; they took over the bodies of Mandy, Ima Mole, and Audrey. In order for their spirits to be released and everything to go back to normal I had to kill the leader, who was Agatha, which I did, because _that's how I roll_…..

Michelle: Eh?

Morris: It was luck.

Jack: Shut up, Morris! Man, _crampin mah style yo!_

Michelle: Whatever. So, she's dead, now what?

Jack: Oh the best part, we know who she and Charles Logan were working for.

Michelle: Who?

Jack: ……

Doyle: ……

Michelle: …..

Morris: ……

Sherry: ……

Jack: …….

Doyle: ……

Michelle: …..WELL!?

Jack: …what?

Michelle: _Who the hell was Agatha Bauer working for!?_

Jack: Oh right. I have the answer….._right in this envelope!_

Michelle: Why do you have to….oh forget it, just get a move on.

Jack: The name of Agatha Bauer's boss is……..drum roll please!

Jack looks at Morris.

Morris: What?

Jack: Drum roll!

Morris: What?

Jack: Do the drum roll!

Morris: Is that like…a dance or something?

Jack: Are you serious!? You know that thing when they are about to present something really important and they 'do a drum roll' in the moment of intense expectation of what the outcome will be.

Morris: Not really.

Jack: Just……tap your hands on your desk as fast as you can.

Morris: Oh, I can do that!

Jack: Good.

Jack: And….

-WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-

Jack: What the hell was that!?

Morris: Uh….I did what you told me too.

Michelle is fuming.

Jack: No….faster.

Morris: Oh, got it.

Jack: Okay……now…

-WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!WHAP!-

Jack: No, no, no! You got it all wrong!

Michelle is really fuming.

Jack: Okay first, wait till I say 'drum roll, _please!_' Then you tap your hands really fast, alternating hands, not both at the same time.

Morris: OH! THAT! Ok, gotcha.

Jack: Okay…….what were we doing again?

Michelle is turning red, clenching her fists.

Doyle: Where's this _steam _coming from?

Jack: Oh I remember. Agatha Bauer's boss is…..drum roll please!

-WHAPITY! WHAPITY! WHAPITY!-

Jack: Good.

Morris: Thanks.

Jack: Thought you might want to think about next time doing….

Michelle: Jack! Tell us, _or die!_

Jack: Rolando Callahan.

Michelle: …..

Doyle: …..

Morris: ….what was I supposed to do next time?

Michelle: That's impossible, Jack! He's dead!

Jack: No…._he faked his death!_

Sherry: What?!

Doyle: What?!

Morris: Man, these shoes smell kinda funny. –Sniff! Sniff!-

Jack: And here is what I think happened…..

-JACK'S THEORY-

At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.

Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).

Tom: Mr. President!!!

Noah and Karen rush in.

Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! And those are my only lines this episode, weak!

Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!

Noah: I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he claps his hands then skips away).

Jack: When everyone left the room, Rolando escaped outside and met with his terrorist buddies. They proceeded to The Prince's house to take over the place. Agatha just became a witch and put the mansion and all of its residents under a spell to turn them into furniture and household appliances. Logan was working for Callahan, but also working against Agatha not knowing that they both work for the same man, and that Agatha was truly his favorite and that eventually he used Logan to kill the president, which he failed at, just to pawn him off on us losers!

-FIN-

Michelle: How do you know that?

Jack: I don't know, it just sounded good.

Michelle: Well, you're wrong.

Jack: What? I'm never wrong.

Michelle: Callahan's body was still there when Ronald Palmer took over.

Jack: No it wasn't!

Michelle: Yes it was Jack. _Don't you ever watch the show?_

Jack: _Touché Mrs. Dessler_, _Touché_.

Michelle: So try again.

Jack: Okay, how about this?

-JACK'S THEORY 2-

At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.

Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).

Tom: Mr. President!!!

Noah and Karen rush in.

Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! And those are my only lines this episode, that's weak!

Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!

Noah: -Sigh- I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he slumps off).

Jack: After they left, Rolando jumped into _a cloning machine_…

-INTERRUPT-

Michelle: Just stop! That doesn't even……you know what? Forget it; it doesn't matter how he ended up where he is now and how he managed to successfully fake his death.

Sherry: That's right! If he's our new target, we have to shift our priority on him!

Morris: I have a theory…

-MORRIS' THEORY-

At the White House, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.

Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).

Tom: Oh, Mr. President, you are dead……oh no…..

Noah and Karen rush in.

Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned and this is my only line this episode, that's weak….

Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!

Noah: I'll call those people to do that thing where I'll…..oh boy! (He claps then walks off)

-FIN-

Sherry: ….

Jack: ….

Michelle: …..go on.

Morris: That's it.

Michelle: Morris! That actually happened! It's doesn't explain how he faked his death.

Morris: Okay, let's try this one….

Sherry: Ugh….

Michelle looks over at the TV, the news was on.

Reporter: And it's been a terrifying night at Lawn Park Mall where the entire building has been infested with zombies! If you zoom in right over there next to the food court, you can see several people about to get eaten in a pizza restaurant. I hope they get their meal for free! Ha! Ha! Ha! Back to you, Ted.

Michelle: Holy crap, it's Chloe!

Morris looks at the TV.

Morris: Now dahling, that's not very nice. Just because Chloe forgot to put makeup on today doesn't mean you have to say she's a _zombie!_

Michelle: No you moron, it's Chloe…..-gasp-, and Tony's there too! We have to save them!

Jack: Uh oh, this was from a previous broadcast, who knows where they are now?

Michelle: Let's go.

Jack: Well, that's not all.

Sherry: What are you talking about?

Jack: Agatha told me that Callahan is forcing the President to come here or he'll do something nasty.

Sherry: President Daniels is on his way _here_?

Jack: Yeah, so Doyle and I will rush to the airport to try to stop him. Morris, you go with Michelle to rescue Chloe and Tony, hopefully they haven't been eaten yet.

Michelle: Thanks Jack. –Rolls eyes-

Sherry: Well, I'll stay here and clean.

Jack: What are you going to clean here?

Sherry: Oh let's see, the wreckage from when you crashed the Delorean is still here, and since you don't remember '_watering'_ my Chia Pet, it's grown and taken over my office.

Jack: That reminds me, I need to pee before we go.

Sherry: GRR!

8:06:12, in a weird dark room. Audrey comes to, she looks at her surroundings.

Audrey: Oh….my head…….where the hell am I now? Let's see, I remember being in the terrorist prison….I remember Jack rescuing me…..I remember getting hit in the head a lot.

A football flies and smacks her in the face. –WHAP!-

Audrey: OW! _That didn't happen, dammit!_

Audrey tries to move…..but she cannot.

Audrey: What the beans?

Audrey notices she's tied to a chair.

Audrey: GASP OF SHOCK! What the hell did Jack do with me?

Rolando Callahan emerges from the shadows.

Rolando: I can answer that for you, my dear.

Audrey: What the?! President Rolando Callahan….?! Hey wait a minute; _didn't you die back in episode 1_?

Rolando: Presumably.

Audrey: -Gasp!- _You faked your death!?_

Rolando: That would be the short of it, yes.

Audrey points her finger at him.

Audrey: _Ummmmmm. I'm telling!_

Rolando: I'm afraid you aren't going anywhere.

Audrey: Well hell….

Rolando: As the remaining 'witch' sister who's not either dead or unconscious, I will need you.

Audrey: What are you talking about?

Rolando: You were a witch, and now you lost your powers. But not to worry, I've had my _mad scientist _create a formula to, well, 'cheat the system' and get you those powers back so you can be good as new.

Audrey: WHAT?! _Mad Scientist!?_ You can't do that! _The witch plot is done with!_ I won't let you!

Rolando: You don't have a choice, I'll be back….oh when will it be a convenient time……_at the top of the hour_.

Audrey: That can either be good or bad…..

Rolando exits the room.

Audrey: Okay, I have to get the hell out of here.

8:09:23, In the Mall/Pizzeria/Torture Dungeon Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen were stuck in an elevator about to be blown to bits.

Tony: _Bits and Bits!_

Voice: Okay, get the explosives!

Chloe: Tony, think of something!

Tony hits a 'black button'.

-KA CLUNK! KA KA CLUNK!-

Chloe: AAAH! Tony, _what did you do?!_

Tony: I don't know what I hit.

The elevator shaft shakes violently.

Nadia: Oh this is sooo not god.

Karen (dressed in all black leather): _Tell me about it_….._stud!_

She puffs on her cigarette. –PUFF!-

Nadia: _Where the hell did you get those clothes?!_

Baxter: Yikes!

Karen: They fell from that hole up there.

The group looks at the ceiling of the elevator above Karen to see an open hatch.

Baxter: Excellent! All we need to do is climb through there and…..

The elevator car cable breaks, it plummets to the ground.

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

-CRASH-

Chloe: Oh……ow…….

Karen: Oh no! I ripped my new clothes!

Tony gets up and starts to push on the elevator door, it opens just enough so everyone can squeeze through.

Chloe: Oh….

Baxter: crap….

Nadia: _We're on the same level where we started!_

Karen: Hmm, maybe we'll get to play _more games_…

Chloe: ……Fire Stairs!

The gang bursts through the fire stairway door and starts to climb up the stories above.

8:12:14, in a white room.

Milo: So……I died?

George Mason: Yes.

Milo: I see…….now I'm a grim reaper?

Mason: Not yet, you must train.

Milo: Oh…..how do I do that? Do I like to…..pee in a cup or something?

Mason: -Sigh- No, you have to do hard work and physical training.

Milo: Oh man…….why so much training, all you do is have to kill people.

Mason: It's harder than it looks, now keep walking.

Milo: And what did you say happened to the grim reaper before me?

Mason: Uh……

-FLASHBACKS-

Chloe walks over to the man about to eat his dinner at Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace.

Chloe: Hi, can I touch you?

The man looks up from his basket of chicken.

Man: Uh…I guess so.

Chloe strokes the man's arm, reaping his soul.

Chloe: Okay, watch for falling statues, enjoy your lunch.

She walks back to George.

Chloe: How did I do?

George: You did well for your first time; death is an important part of how the world works. Our job is done here.

-CRASH-

People outside: Oh my god! A gargoyle statue just fell on that man! He's going to miss out on today's specials!

-SWOOSH-

At Wal-Mart.

Chloe: GASP! WHEEZE! Okay….-huff-….-puff-….I did it.

George: Good job, Chloe, I should give you a promotion.

Chloe: Wonderful…..I'm so friggin thrilled.

George: Now we better get out of here, before the bomb goes off and kills everyone.

Wal-Mart Clerk: WHAT?!

George: Oh, just kidding.

Clerk: That's good.

George: Don't forget to reap her too.

Clerk: WHAT?!

Chloe slides her hand down the Clerk's arm.

George: Another job well done.

-KA BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!-

Chloe: Uh…..

Man: Oh my god, somebody blew up a 'Payless Shoe Store'!

Woman: It's raining shoes! ACK! _High Heels! They hurt! OW!_

George: Hmm…..

Chloe: You made me do the wrong place again, didn't you?

George: Yea, you better put the souls back into those 300 people you just reaped or the powers that be will be really pissed.

Chloe: God I hate you…..

-FIN-

Milo: What's up with this? _Are we going to clip show this week?!_

Mason: You'll do A LOT better than her, let's keep moving.

8:14:34, meanwhile, at McDonalds.

Kim: Why is this here, I'm just wondering. I could've sworn it blew up.

Bill: Yeah.

Logan: Oh well, we at least better be glad to be alive and…..

Kim: What is it?

Logan: The workers here are staring at us suspiciously.

Bill: I'm sure it's all in your head.

Logan: They're pointing.

Bill: All in your head.

Logan: And laughing.

Bill: In your head.

Logan: And drawing guns.

Bill: You're nuts, okay.

3 of the workers confront them at the table.

Worker Bob: You're going to have to come with us.

Bill: Why?

Bob: Because I said so….that and I'm holding a gun.

Logan: What is the meaning of this?

Bob: This is a holdup; we've taken over this McDonalds and am now going to hold you hostage. You're going to have to go to the freezer.

Bill: Oh boy!

Logan: Oh man…

Kim: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Bill: Kim stop it, _you're embarrassing me in front of our killer_…..

Kim: I won't do it! I refuse! I've already been stuck in a freezer once today; I demand you put me somewhere else.

Bob: Hmm….okay we'll put you in the play place thing, _in the ball pit_.

Kim: That big thing with the hundreds of balls in it?

Bob: Yes.

Kim: Oh well, that doesn't sound so bad….I'll take that.

Kim starts to walk towards the inside playground when a mother comes walking out with her 19 children.

Mother: Hey! All of you are missing your pants! What happened?

Little Billy: We all had '_an accident_' so we just left our pants in _the ball pit_.

Mother: Oh that's okay._ It's not like some federal agent's dim witted daughter is going to be thrown in there or anything!_

Kim: AHH!

She runs back to Worker Bob.

Kim: I'll go in the freezer…..

Meanwhile, Jack and Doyle are driving.

Doyle: Well, I'm glad that were getting close to putting this whole thing under wraps. That and you managed to escape with your life.

Jack: Man, I'm hungry. I can go for food.

Doyle: Yeah, me too.

Jack: Let's stop here.

Jack pulls into a _McDonald's parking lot_. They get out and walk to the entrance.

Jack: The door's locked.

Doyle: Wait…..I'm getting a bad feeling about this.

Jack: What? Don't be ridiculous.

Doyle: No…I mean I'm getting a really bad case of Déjà vu going on here.

Jack: It's all in your head.

Doyle: No I've been through this before.

Jack: All in your head.

Doyle: It was at the convenience store earlier today, like around 2:00.

Jack: In your head.

Doyle: I think we're in danger.

Jack: You're nuts, okay?

The doors fling open, two workers grab Jack and Doyle and throw them in. –SLAM!-

Jack: ACK!

Doyle: Oh crap! I knew this was going to happen.

One of the workers pulls a gun on Jack.

Worker Bob: What are you doing here?

Jack: I just wanted one of those 2 all beef patties, special bun sauce lettuce mayonnaise….or something….how does that go?

Doyle: _Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun?_

Jack: That's not it.

Doyle: Yes it is!

Jack: Is not!

Doyle: Dude! Don't tell me I'm wrong when you don't even know!

Jack: I know.

Doyle: Then what is it?

Jack: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

Doyle: You freakin cheater! I just told you that!

Jack: Did not!

Worker Bob: Children! Do you mind?

Jack: Is he talking to us?

Doyle: Uh, yea.

Jack: Do you mind, we're in the middle of something.

Bob points his gun at Jack.

Jack: It can wait….

Bob: You two! In the _freezer!_

Jack: Oh boy!

Doyle: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Jack: Man, what the hell's your problem!

Doyle: I know this happened to me earlier today! Tony and I stopped off at the convenience store….

-FLASHBACK-

Tony: I…

-INTERRUPT-

Jack: Can we _please get the short version?_

Doyle: Tony and I went to a gas station, got trapped with your daughter and the talking cougar.

Jack: WHAT!? _A talking cougar?_

Bob: Freezer!

Jack: Oh right…..

The two workers escort Jack and Doyle to the freezer.

Kim: Dad!

Jack: Kim!

Doyle: Kim!

Kim: Doyle!

Bill: Jack!

Jack: Bill!

Bill: Doyle!

Doyle: Bill!

Logan: -ahem-

Everyone: ….Charles….

Doyle sits down next to Kim.

Doyle: I see you're here for the second time as well.

Kim: It was this or a crap filled ball pit.

Doyle: I see.

Jack: Let us out! Or _I'm going to tell your mothers!_

Logan: Forget it, Jack….

Jack: Oh, right, I needed to talk to you.

Jack walks over and sits next to Logan.

Jack: I had to kill Agatha.

Logan: What!? How did you do that?

Jack: With my mad skills!

Doyle rolls his eyes.

Logan: You cheated and reflected whatever she flung at you, didn't you!

Jack (whining): _But she was too hard, dammit! It's not fair!_

Logan: Well, I guess it's over now…….I wonder if our superior knows….he probably does…..

Jack: Oh, I also was told it was ex-president _Rolando Callahan_.

Bill: WHAT?! Kim, hand me my drink.

Kim hands Bill his drink; he takes a quick sip before spitting it out in shock. –SPEW!-

Kim: Ugh….

Logan: ….Rolando Callahan was our boss?...huh….

Jack: That's all you got to say is 'Huh'?

Bill: You know I thought he was dead….

Jack: He faked it….that faker!

Logan: Strange, we were at the house of wax and the statues there represented everyone who perished today. I guess that first one we saw was actually Chuck Norris….

Kim: I TOLD YOU! God, nobody listens to me….

Bill: Uh….wait a minute…

Logan: Oh, I know what you're going to say. Chuck Norris isn't in the show, ha ha. I completely forgot that Ima is obsessed with Chuck Norris, she talked about him all the time.

Bill: _I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS!_

Jack: That's a lame ass excuse! You could at least make it more believable. _Writers!_

Sam: Okay, we'll fix it!

Paul: A little reworking here…….and…….go!

There's a knock at the door. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-

Kim opens it.

Chuck Norris: Hi kids! I'm _Chuck Norris!_ Oh look, a French fry.

Chuck Norris eats the French fry and chokes on it, he falls to the ground. –WHAP!-

Bill: NOOOO!!!! _NOT CHUCK NORRIS!!!!_

Doyle: That was the stupidest thing I think I have ever seen in my life….

Logan: There, happy!?

Jack: Yes I am, Charles….._Yes I am_……

Logan: Well back to the subject at hand…..I didn't know Rolando Callahan faked his death….hell, or that we've been working for him…..but I'm not surprised that Agatha new his real identity. She was his favorite…….there were times I was reporting in for duty and occasionally I accidentally caught them….._together_.

Bill: _Ugh_..._Puke!_

Logan: I just never caught the face….and I didn't ask questions, I just did what I was told and hopefully that would've been my ticket to freedom. But to think somebody would try to claim the office of the President of the United States just to use that power to help the terrorists is just an awful, awful….

Everybody glares at Logan.

Logan: Okay, I'll shut up.

Jack: Do you know anything about the 'Witches'?

Doyle: We really need to get that word banned….

Kim and Bill nod.

Logan: I knew about the whole story and about Agatha. As far as the sister's go, the only one who I knew who turned into one was Ima….who's now dead.

Bill: So is Milo….

Kim: Yes, it was a tragedy indeed.

Bill: You killed him!

Kim: WHAT?! No I didn't'!

Bill: You threw him and knocked Ima off the second floor and they both fell into the wax and….._waxed to death_…or whatever!

Kim: You turned him into a pumpkin!

Bill: You suggested going into the House Of Wax.

Kim: …..well…….you're responsible for McDonald's blowing up!

Bill: LIAR!

Kim: You want to box!?

Bill: Bring it, sister!

Jack: Did you catch any of that?

Doyle: I try not to pay attention to what people say anymore.

Logan: So what's your plan now?

Logan: I know that Audrey turned into a witch as well. But she ran off, but I killed Agatha who was 'The Leader'.

Logan: Then she should be fine…..I wonder what happened to Mandy though.

Jack: ….

Kim: …..

Logan: ….._This would be the part where you cut to her scene_.

Meanwhile, _Mandy was_…..

Unconscious….

Meanwhile, At McDonald's…

Logan: Hmm…..back so soon huh? Well, that can't be good.

Jack: _We'll be right back after these messages!_

8:17:32, Jack sits in the freezer / Chloe and the others are out of breath and crawling up stairs / Noah and Tom are eating airline food / Morris and Michelle are driving down a road.

Chloe: GASP!...PANT!...WHEEZE!

Tony: I can't…..go on!

Chloe: Tony! Get a hold of yourself man!

Tony hugs himself.

Chloe: Not like that….whatever, listen we have to keep moving….

Baxter: Yuppers!

Nadia: I don't hear anybody coming up.

Karen: I have a Charley Horse!

Baxter: Hopefully we can reach the main floor of this….basement thing….and finally be free…

Voice: There they are! Downstairs!

Nadia: That's why I didn't hear anybody below….

Chloe: Retreat!

Baxter: Crap!

They turn around and rush down the flights of stairs, reaching the bottom. Karen opens the door and steps into the hallway.

Karen: Uh….

Jigsaw: Hello, kiddies!

Karen: Bozo at 12:00.

Nadia: _Oh crackers!_

Nadia and Karen slam the door shut.

Chloe: What are you doing?

Nadia: Jigsaw's out there!

Chloe: Who?

Nadia: The doofus who made us play those stupid games!

Chloe: Oh man, he's just as bad….

Baxter: Worse than the people _with guns_?!

Tony: I'm with Baxter on this one.

Chloe: Back up the stairs.

They charge up the stairs about 2 floors.

Chloe: Here!

Tony: You don't know where this leads!

Chloe: Who cares? Just……we have to try it.

Chloe opens the door which leads to an enormous elegant ballroom. People in formal attire are spread out; dancing, drinking, and sitting around conversing.

Chloe: Hello…..what's this?

Tony: Aw sweet! _It's a party!_

Baxter: And there are people so we can blend in and hide, let's go here.

Everyone calmly walks into the dancing hall and remained close.

Nadia: So what are we going to do here?

Chloe: I don't know yet, just act casual.

Baxter: That's kind of the problem.

Chloe: What are you talking about?

Baxter: We're _casual_. This is _a formal party_.

Chloe: Oh….so we need to look nice.

Baxter: Yes……so you know what that means?

Tony: We have to kill 5 of these people and take their clothes?

Baxter: I like the way you think….but just knocking them unconscious would suffice. But we would take their clothes anyway.

Tony: Yes!

Baxter: Okay, everyone split up and find someone to mug. Take them to a private area, bonk them on the head, and disguise yourself. We don't have much time since I'm sure the guards will figure out where we went. Okay…..move!

Chloe, Tony, Baxter, Nadia, and Karen split up. Mingling through the crowds of people. Chloe notices a woman standing in the corner wearing a long black dress.

Chloe: Hmm….okay.

Chloe walks up to the woman.

Chloe: Hi…..would you like to take a survey?

Woman: Sure.

Chloe: Follow me.

As she walks by, Baxter notices another Cougar at the bar wearing a snazzy tuxedo. Baxter nods and approaches the bar.

Baxter: Yo.

Cougar: What's up?

Baxter: Nothin, just chillin.

Cougar: Cool.

Baxter: You know I've never been here before; can you give me a tour? I'll by you a drink.

Cougar: Sure.

They head off as Nadia approaches her target, a woman in an elegant white gown. And Karen sits down on a couch.

Karen: Hmm….

She notices a dress on a hanger lying next to her.

Karen: Well, that was easy.

Tony is standing near the exit to the balcony when a woman approaches him.

Woman: Hey….I've never seen you here before…._would you like to dance?_

Tony: …uh…..how about outside?

Woman: Of course.

Tony (grins):_ Perfect._

They head out onto the balcony.

8:25:12, Michelle and Morris drive by. –ZOOM!-

Michelle: Okay…..turn left up here.

Morris: I don't know….

Michelle: What are you talking about? I have the map.

Morris: Are you sure it's not upside down?

Michelle: I'm not stupid!

Morris: Okaaay.

Michelle: Hmph!

Morris drives past the exit.

Michelle: Morris!

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Michelle: I missed it!

Morris: Well, are you absolutely sure it leads to the mall? I mean that road looks like it leads nowhere.

Michelle: Ugh, just go back and take the road before we get lost.

Morris: Oh all right.

Morris stops the car and does a 180 in the middle of the road. He heads back to the turn off point and goes down the road.

Michelle: Okay good, all we have to do is travel a couple of miles west then we'll reach a stoplight, we'll turn right and then we should be at the mall.

Morris: Uh…

Michelle looks up from the map.

Michelle: What's wrong?

Morris: Sheep.

Michelle: What?

Morris points as Michelle looks out on the mass herd of sheep in front of them, blocking the road.

Michelle: ACK! Sheep!

Morris: I told you.

Michelle: Well, you go ahead and get rid of them.

Morris: Okay, how do you suppose I do that?

Michelle: I don't know…..

Michelle digs around the backseat. –DIG! DIG! SHUFFLE!-

Michelle: Here….

Michelle hands Morris a stick.

Morris: Uh…

Michelle: Shoo them away…

Morris: ….uh……ok.

Morris gets out of the car and walks up to one of the sheep.

Sheep: Baa!

Morris pokes the sheep. –POKE!-

Sheep: BAA!

Morris (turning back to Michelle): Dahling, I don't think he likes it.

Michelle: Morris, we're running out of time!

Morris: Uh….

-POKE! POKE!-

Sheep: ANGRY BAAAA!

Michelle: Poke harder!

-POKE! POKE!-

Sheep: _PISSED OFF BAAAA!_

The sheep pounces on Morris.

Morris: AAHHH!!!!! SHEEEP!

Michelle: Oh I guess I could honk the horn.

-HONK! HONK!-

The sheep turn their attention toward Michelle.

Michelle: That wasn't a good idea.

Morris breaks free and hurls back to the car.

Morris: That's the last time I listen to you!

Michelle: Sorry, I thought whenever you run across sheep; you poke them with a stick.

Morris: And where did you learn _this _information?!

Michelle: Uh……_Jack Bauer's Big Book Of Sheep Survival_….

Morris: Figures…..

Michelle: Hey, it was on _Oprah's Book Club_, I thought I'd give it a read…..

Morris: I think I'm going to be sick……

8:28:13, Jack is pounding on the door of the McDonalds freezer.

-WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-

Jack: Let us out, dammit! You're making me miss '_Who's The Boss'_!

Worker Bob: It doesn't come on until 10.

Jack: Oh whew, I was worried there for a second.

Bill: Hey…..what's that?

Jack looks over to a corner of the room and sees a vent.

Jack: A vent! Our best friend! It'll get us out of trouble.

Kim: Uh….dad?

Jack opens the vent, a barrage of ice cubes come pouring out. –CRASH!-

Jack: Well, that sucks……

Kim: Dad, that's the Ice Machine….

Jack: Oh bugger….

Logan: Can't you get it to stop?

Jack: Uh…..

Jack starts scooping up ice in his hands and _throwing it back into the vent_, which of course was pointless….. –SCOOP!-

Jack: It's not working.

Everyone: _Duh…_

Jack: This very well could be the end of our adventures….

Chuck Norris stands up.

Chuck Norris: Don't worry kids, I'll save you!

An ice cube flies from the vent and smacks Chuck Norris in the head; he falls to the ground again.

Logan: _Was that really necessary?_

Bill: _NOOO! Not Chuck Norris!_

Jack: Is Chuck Norris dead this time? Will Jack and his friends escape cold, icy, death? Will Kim ever dump that deadbeat boyfriend of hers?

Kim: WHAT!?

Jack: Find out next week in an all new '24'…..beep…..beep…..beep……..beep……

Logan: Jack, the show's not over yet….

Jack: Dammit!

8:30:12, at mysterious prison holding thing.

Audrey: Audrey is trying to escape; she is tied to a chair.

She looks around the room.

Audrey: There has to be something around here.

Audrey notices a table with a big knife on it.

Audrey: Excellent!

Audrey scoots herself across the floor to the table. –SHIMMY! SHIMMY!-

Audrey: Almost…..there…..

Audrey bumps into the table and the knife falls to the floor, through a vent to the floor below. –SHOINK!-

Man: _OW! MY EYE!_

Audrey: Sorry…..damn!

Audrey looks around the room again. She sees another table.

Audrey: Yay! A pocket knife! Can get the job done and I can hide it….

Audrey scoots to the other table. –SHIMMY! SHIMMY!-

As she approaches the table one of the legs break, the pocket knife slides off the table, and through another vent in the floor. –SHOINK!-

Man: _OW! MY OTHER EYE!_

Audrey: DAMMIT!!!! _Stop standing under the stupid vent!_

Man: I'm going to go up there and teach you a lesson! I'll announce my plans out loud so you can expect my arrival. I also hope you don't take advantage of the fact that I'm the janitor and have _keys to every room in the building_.

Audrey: Hmm, that's convenient. But works for me! Let's continue to see what happens to the main heroine of the story.

MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS….

Audrey: HEY! I'm talking about me!

Oh……Audrey is sitting in a chair, waiting for the janitor to come up.

Audrey: That's more like it.

MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS….

Audrey: Ugh….

…dancing the night away at the cocktail party.

Chloe: No, I'm not….

The guards are scattered throughout the dance hall. The gang gets back together. Chloe is in a black dress, Baxter is in a tux, Nadia is sporting a white dress, Karen is wearing a dark green dress, and….Tony is wearing…._a red dress_.

Baxter: Ok, guys, the guards have broken in, now we need to slip away and get the _what the hell are you doing Tony!?_

Chloe: Oh…my….god….

Tony: What!?

Karen: Hey, where did you get that?

Chloe: Tony! Why the hell are you wearing that?

Tony: What?

Chloe: That dress…..?

Tony: It's comfortable and stylish, _and gives me the support I need!_

Chloe: _That's not what I'm talking about!_ –SMACK!-

Tony: OW…..

Baxter: Tony, you look awful in that dress, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Tony: Uh…..

One of the guards approaches the group.

Karen: Howdy!

Guard: Good evening, ladies…..and gentlemen….

Baxter nods.

Guard: We're looking for these fugitives.

The guard holds up a picture of the group doing the _three legged race_.

Karen: Oh man! _He got my bad side!_

Nadia clamps her hand over Karen's mouth.

Karen: mmmfher…..mmphereher…..

Guard????

The guard turns to Tony.

Chloe and Baxter inhale in a state of panic, trying to keep their cool.

Guard: _Hey there pretty lady_…..

Tony: Oh, hi! _Tee hee!_

Chloe and Baxter roll their eyes.

Guard: Have you seen these people? If you can help me, I'll buy you a drink….

Tony: Well…..

Chloe and Baxter: _Sorry she's with us, we're running late for something_……bye!

They grab Tony and walk off.

Chloe: It's settled, we cannot leave you alone….

Tony: Aww!

Chloe: And get out of that dress.

Tony starts to strip.

Chloe: ACK! No! Go mug someone else.

Tony: Okay……

Tony walks off.

Chloe: I don't know what I'm going to do with him.

Baxter: Meh….what are you going to do?

Tony comes back in a wedding gown.

Chloe: _WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?_

Tony: It was all that was available….

Chloe: Huh!?

Tony: Everyone wearing tuxedos told me 'no'.

Baxter: Tony……buddy…..pal….._when you are going to 'borrow' someone's clothes like that_……_you are not supposed to ask first._

Tony: Oh riiight…..

Baxter: Now go and try it again…..

8:37:12, Tony walks through the crowd in his giant wedding dress / Jack and the others are freezing to death / Chloe and Baxter are hanging out by the bar / Sherry is scrubbing a toilet.

Sherry: I really need to hire people to do this.

Morris and Michelle continue to drive down the road, the car breaks down. –CRASH!-

Michelle: Oh nuts!

Morris: Oh this can't be good, how are we going to rescue the others.

Michelle: Can't you fix it?

Morris: I can try.

Morris gets out of the car and taps on the hood with a _woman's shoe_. –TINK! TINK!-

Michelle: You're kidding me, right?

Morris: What?

Michelle: Screw it, let's just walk.

Morris: What are we going to do about rescuing Chloe and those other people?

Michelle: We can help them!

Morris: Do we have any firepower?

Michelle: Uh…..no.

Morris: I have this sheep poking stick.

Michelle: I have my good looks.

Morris: We're screwed…

Michelle: HEY!

Morris: OH! No, ha, ha! I didn't mean it like that! I meant……oh forget it, I screwed up.

Michelle: Well, have you tried starting it again?

Morris: I have not. Let me try it….

Morris starts to get in the car, he stops…

Michelle: What's wrong?

Morris: ……do you hear that?

Michelle: What?

Morris: ……it…..sounds like……

Morris and Michelle look past down the road behind them.

Michelle: …….

A rumbling sound is getting louder.

Michelle and Morris look at each other.

Michelle: You don't think….

Morris: Yes……

In the horizon, they can see a massive amount of animals. Sheep, elephants, and giraffes heading their direction. –RUMBLE! RUMBLE!-

Michelle: Stampede!

Morris: Is that what that's called?

Michelle: Yes.

Morris: Because I couldn't think of the word before, my mind went completely blank!

Michelle: I hate it when that happens!

Morris: I know!

Michelle: Oh crap, we don't have time for this. What should we do?

Morris: We can't get back in the car. We'll be killed!

Michelle: You think so?

Morris: Uh, yeah….

Michelle: Okay, so we run?

Morris: Yeah….

Michelle: Okay…..let's go this way.

They dive off the road out of the way of the oncoming stampede. Their car gets stomped to bits. –CRASH!-

Michelle: Oh man……

Meanwhile…..

Milo walks onto a training ground…..he's getting ready for training.

Milo drops his backpack. George Mason approaches him, wearing a robe…._and sporting a ridiculously long white beard_.

Mason: Hello, grasshopper.

Milo: What is this?

Mason: You must go through strenuous training to become a grim reaper.

Milo: But I don't want to be a grim reaper.

Mason: You don't have a choice; now _try to chop me up with this sword_.

He hands Milo a katana.

Milo: Uh….okay.

He swings at George, missing.

Mason: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (He strokes his ridiculously long beard)

Milo: What is with the beard?

Mason: Now hold out your sword.

Milo complies. Mason lifts his leg up.

Milo: What are you doing?

Mason: I'm going to jump and _stand on your sword_. Mocking your poor swordsmanship skills.

Milo: WHAT!?

Mason: Okay…..and…..now!

George tries to jump on the sword, missing horribly. –SHOINK!-

Mason: OW! My leg…..why did you cut me?

Milo: Why are you trying to jump on my sword?

Mason: It sounded cool, okay next. I'm going to show you how to fight.

Milo: Whatever.

Mason: Okay……_dragon stance_!

Mason goes into dragon stance fighting style.

Mason: Now you.

Milo: Uh……_Shimmy Shimmy CoCo Puff!_

Mason: What the hell is that?!

Milo: I don't know, what are we doing?

Mason: We are about to spar, you need to pick a fighting stance.

Milo: Oh…..uh……_Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_.

Mason: _That's not a stance!_ Well, Crouching Tiger is one I think….just use that.

Milo: Got it!

Milo squats.

Mason: That's just vulgar. Now….._pick up that rock and act like you're going to throw it at me_. So I can take your arm and practically break it off.

Milo: I don't see how any of this is relevant.

Mason: Just do it, you!

Milo: Ugh…..

Mason: Okay, okay, enough fighting. Let's go eat some rice.

Mason and Milo walk into a house.

Mason: Those are your chopsticks, try to use them and toss them to the side, then _when you try to eat with your hands, I'll punish you!_

Milo: Uh…..

Milo picks up a piece of rice with his hands; Mason knocks his rice bowl off the table.

Mason: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (He stroked his ridiculously long beard)

Milo: _That is really getting on my nerves!_

Meanwhile, back at McDonald's.

Kim (banging her head on a shelf): This….-WHAP!-…..is…..-WHAP!-…….never…….-WHAP!-…….ending!...-WHAP!-…….

Bill: Kim, don't do that! You'll break the shelf…

Kim: Ohh, I feel kinda woozy.

Jack: I have an idea!

Logan: What?

Jack: ……yeah, I got nothing….

Logan: Ugh…..

Suddenly, a rumbling sound is heard. –RUMBLE! RUMBLE!-

Doyle: What is that?

Jack: Hmm……

Jack walks over to the freezer door to open it; Morris and Michelle run in, crashing into Jack. –WHAP!-

Jack: ACK! (Falls to the floor)

Bill: Michelle!

Michelle: Bill!

Kim: Morris!

Morris: Jack!

Kim: Bill!

Bill: Michelle!

Jack: Morris!

Morris: Man, not this again…

Logan: -ahem-

Everyone: _Charles_…..

Jack: What are you guys doing here? Are Chloe and Tony with you?

Michelle: Well, we were on our way to the mall then our car broke down then we got chased by a stampede and this was the only building we could hide in.

Jack: We'll we got captured and have been stuck in this freezer for a while now……

Morris: Uh….

Michelle: How? The door's been unlocked….

Jack: But we've been taken hostage by those guards.

Michelle: There's nobody out there.

Jack: WHAT!?

Jack looks out the freezer door to discover nobody there.

Jack: Hmm, I guess they all went home.

Logan: You have got to be kidding me!? We've been sitting in this freezer and we could've left a long time ago!? ARGH!

Jack: Okay, we better get back on track. The president will be in Los Angeles in less than 20 minutes, _in fact right at the top of the hour_.

Everyone: _Of course_…

Jack: Doyle, Bill, and I will proceed to the airport. Michelle, you and Morris take Kim and Logan with you to rescue Chloe and Tony, and then head back to CTU.

Michelle: We have a problem, there's only one vehicle.

Morris: No wait, I saw a bicycle outside.

Jack: How many seats?

Morris: 3.

Jack: Okay, _we'll take the bike_….

Bill: -groan-

Michelle: We'll take your car then; we'll meet you back at CTU.

Everyone walks out of the freezer, Chuck Norris gets back up.

Chuck Norris: Ow….my head…._oh look, a french fry!_

He pops the fry in his mouth, choking on it; he falls back to the ground. –WHAP!-

Jack, Doyle, and Bill get on the 3-seater bicycle.

Jack: Okay guys, we're going to need teamwork. Now…..PEDAL!

They guys roll forward about an inch before falling over. –CRASH!-

Jack: Ow….

8:42:11, Meanwhile, Audrey was….

Audrey: There, I managed to get myself free, you know they shouldn't put those vents there, someone could get hurt.

Well, enough about her….Chloe O'Brian on the other hand….

Audrey: HEY! I'm getting sick of you cutting to her, I have had no parts for like, the last….6 or 7 hours, I demand my screen time!

Fine……

Audrey: Anyway….I….

_MEANWHILE, CHLOE O'BRIAN WAS…_

Audrey: GRRRR!!!!

….sitting with the others at the bar, Tony finally comes back.

Chloe: There you are! Where the hell have you been?

Tony: Getting my costume…..duh….

Chloe: Well, let's find a way to get out of here.

Chloe walks over to the window. She looks around for a minute.

Chloe: Hey, a door! We can go out this way.

Guard: STOP!

Nadia: Uh oh!

Tony: COME ON!

Tony proceeds to jump out the window….he jumps…..-SMACK!-…..he falls back to the ground.

Baxter and Karen (wincing): Oooooh, ouch….

Tony: Oh, that stung…..man; _that always works in the movies_…..

Chloe: We run, now!

The group hauls toward the door. It leads to another stairwell.

Nadia: Is this the same one?

Chloe looks up.

Chloe: No I can see a door that leads outside from here, it just a few stories up.

They start to climb up the stairs, ascending about 2 levels; they reach the main door, bursting through it to the outside.

Chloe: We're free……

Tony: At last….

Nadia: I wonder how our cover got blown….

Tony: Uh….

-FLASHBACK-

Tony: Excuse me sir, I need to borrow your clothes….oh wait…….

Guard: …..

Tony: ……oh nevermind.

Guard: Too suspicious….

-FIN-

Baxter: We need to find a vehicle, fast.

Tony: Nothing can stop us now!

They are approached by Milo, dressed in a black cloak.

Chloe: Milo, hey.

Nadia: Milo, I'm glad you're safe, where's Kim and Logan?

Milo: They're somewhere.

Baxter: Why are you dressed like that?

Milo: I have some business to take care of.

Chloe stops for second, she suddenly has a flashback.

-FLASH-

Chloe wakes up…

Chloe: What? I'm alive?! I thought I was burnt at the stake.

A man in a black cloak approaches her.

Chloe: Are you serious? Are you supposed to be 'Death'?

Death: I'm actually…..(he takes off his hood)….._George Mason!!! Duhn! Duhn! Duuuuuhn!_

Chloe: Oh crap! Not you…..

George: What?

Chloe: You're not going to reveal yourself as a post-op transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

….. transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

…. transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

…… transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

-Fade back to Chloe-

Chloe is stuck in thought.

… transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

…. transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

Milo: …transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you? Transsexual version of _Audrey Raines_ again, are you?

Chloe: _Why the hell are you repeating that?!_

Milo: I don't know……it just came to me.

Chloe: Wait! –Gasp!- You're the grim reaper!

Milo: No I'm not…..

He puts away his scythe.

Chloe: Yes you are! I remember now! It felt like it was yesterday….

-FLASHBACK-

Meanwhile, _at IHOP!_

_­_-CUT-

Tony: Oh, _for the love of Jello, will you people stop using flashbacks!? GAH!_

Baxter: Seriously.

Chloe: Remember at IHOP, you accused me of being a witch….

Tony: Oh god, not this witch crap again, I can't take it anymore!...AAAAAHHHH!!!!

Baxter: Tony, get a hold of yourself, man!

Baxter slaps him. –SMACK!-

Tony: Ow…..thanks.

Baxter: No prob…

Chloe: I was burned at the stake…..and I was taught how to be a grim reaper by…..George Mason!

Tony faints.

Milo: It's true……..

Chloe: I know it's true.

Milo: Well, what's your point?

Chloe: Wait….does that mean…..?

Milo: Yes….I perished…..

Nadia: We know!

Milo: I was turned into a pumpkin and squashed when Ima Mole was killed.

Chloe: Who, wha…what…..what?!! Forget it, why are you here?

Milo: I'm sorry….._Nadia._

Chloe: You're going to kill Nadia?!

Nadia: Figures, I finally get out of trouble and now I'm dead.

Tony: _That's the CTU motto_; it's on the back of your ID.

Nadia (looking): Well I'll be damned…..

Chloe: You can't kill her! Take someone else –coughTONYcough-

Tony: I heard that!

Milo: Well….if you insist.

Tony: Wait, I'm too pretty to die!

Baxter stifles his laughter.

Tony: Shut up.

The guard runs out of the building.

Guard: Hands up! All of you!

Chloe: Ooh! Him, get him.

Milo: Well….okay.

Milo walks over and kills the guard. George Mason appears. –WOOSH-

Tony: It's _DON KNOTTS!_

Chloe slaps him in the back of the head.

Tony: Ow…

Mason: Milo….I'm going to have to fire you.

Milo: Aw…

Mason: You're just not cut out to be Grim Reaping material.

Milo: Ok.

George looks at Chloe.

Mason: Chloe.

Chloe: …..George.

Tony: And Tony!

Mason: You may go back to the living….as a dead person….who's still alive….or whatever you are…….goodbye for now! –SHOOSH-

Chloe: Yes…….until next time…..

Milo: _Transsexual version of __Audrey Raines__ again, are you? Transsexual version of __Audr…_

Chloe decks him. –PUNCH!-

Milo: Ow, my liver…..urrrk……

Karen: Hey, there's people in that car! We can steal it!

Karen runs up to the vehicle. She opens the door.

Karen: Federal Agent! We need your car, scum!

She pulls out Morris who falls to the ground.

Morris: Ow….

Karen: Oh, oops….

Michelle gets out of the car as well.

Chloe: Morris!

Michelle: Tony!

In the car……

Logan: ……(Looks at Kim).

Kim: -sigh-…..Charles.

Logan: Thank you.

Michelle: Are you guys ok?

Tony: Yea. You know, guys, I can't believe it's already over….

Nadia: What are you talking about?

Tony: The time we've spent together. When we first ran into each other…._it felt like it was yesterday_….

-FLASHBACK….oh wait….nevermind-

Michelle: Talk about it later, we need to get back to CTU.

Meanwhile, Jack, Doyle, and Bill ride up to the airport. They ditch the bike and haul toward the control tower.

Bill: Oh, my legs! They're so sore….

Jack: We don't have much time! We have to warn the President that Callahan is setting him up!

Doyle: Couldn't have you just called him!?

Jack: Uh……_yes Doyle, the control tower is up ahead!_

Doyle: I didn't ask that!

They run into the tower and make their way to the main control room as the screen splits at 8:58:01. Jack, Doyle, and Bill are climbing the staircase as cast as they can / Michelle, Morris, Logan, Kim, Chloe, Baxter, Tony, Nadia, Milo, AND Karen are all cramped in the Jack's clown car / Sherry is vacuuming the 2nd floor glass office / Audrey is in a office, trying the phones to get a hold of someone / Tom is watching 'Happy Feet' as Noah attempts to stab himself with a spork / Harry Love and his associates go over some plans / Rolando Callahan sits in a chair, thinking…..

Karen (singing): _Well, 95,345,211 bottles of beer on the wall, 95,345,211 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around 95,345,210 bottles of beer on the wall!_...

Chloe glares at Karen.

Karen: ……what?

Back at CTU.

Sherry turns off the vacuum.

-TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!-

Sherry: There! All clean…..what's that ticking noise?

Sherry walks around trying to find the where the mysterious ticking noise is coming from.

Sherry: Hmm…..

At the weird office complex.

Audrey frantically dials a number on the fax machine.

Audrey: Come on…..come on…..there! CTU should be able to find me.

A bag gets thrown over Audrey's head.

Audrey: ACK!...oh no, _burlap?! I hate burlap sacks!_

Back at the Control Tower,

Jack and the others burst into the control room.

Jack: I'm Jack Bauer, federal agent!

Control Guy: So? You want a cookie?

Jack: Yes, please.

The guy hands Jack a cookie, Jack chows down.

Jack: Good cookie!

Bill: I want a cookie…..

Doyle: Gentlemen, we have to get a hold of the president, his life is in danger! He cannot land!

Guy: What?!

Jack: Nadia's right.

Doyle: Huh!?

Jack: Get a hold of Air Force One and tell them not to land, now!

The operator tries to contact the pilot.

Guy: What is the meaning of this?

Jack: The president's life is in danger, if he lands……something bad will happen to him, I know it!

Operator: Okay….they've received the message, they're bypassing the airport.

Jack: Good……I'm glad that's taking care of.

Air Force One flies over the control tower, then explodes. –KABOOOOOOOM!-

Jack: AAACK!

Doyle: Holy….

Bill: Oh look, a cookie!

A giant wave of red light from the explosion shines through the control tower windows, pieces of the plane hurl toward the ground in the horizon.

Jack: ……

Doyle: ……

Bill: …-munch!- -munch!-

Everybody in the control room glares angrily at Jack and company.

Jack: You know what?...I did not see that coming…….

Doyle slaps his forehead.

8:59:57  
8:59:58  
8:59:59  
9:00:00

NEXT TIME….on an all new hour of 24……..

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Hello, Chloe O'Brian.

Chloe: Hi Jack.

Jack: Chloe is here to take _The Pepsi Challenge._

Chloe: Yay.

Jack: Okay, Chloe. Try drink number 1.

Chloe takes a drink from the soda can marked 'A'.

Chloe: It tastes like crap.

Jack: Okay, try the next one. Soda 'B'.

Chloe takes a drink.

Chloe: That also tastes like crap.

Jack: Well, pick which one you like best out of the two.

Chloe: I guess 'A'.

Jack reveals the soda cans. 'Super Lemon Soda' and 'Dr. Swell's Root Beer'.

Chloe: ACK! Jack, _I'm allergic to root beer!_

Jack: Hmm, strange. Neither of those were Pepsi….how odd….oh well.

Chloe swells up into the shape of a watermelon……what?

Chloe: urk……

-AND-

Terrorist: You will wire me the 100 million. Or I'll……._spoil the ending for the final Harry Potter book!_

Jack: AHHH! NOT THAT! Okay, it's been done!

Sherry: Jack!? What the hell are you doing?

Jack: You have your money. Oh wait, did he say 'Harry Potter', oh I don't read those…….can we have that money back?

Sherry grabs a stapler to beat Jack to death with.

-AND-

Karen: Welcome to 'Karen's Corner', teaching you the ins and outs about all of life's little problems.

Karen walks into the middle of a forest.

Karen: When dealing with Forest Fires, let's talk with my special guest, _Smokey The Bear._

Smokey: Hello, Kids! Now remember, only you can prevent….

Karen: AHHHH! A bear! HELP!

Karen throws a torch at it. –FWOOSH-

Smokey: _WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?_

Karen: Don't eat me! AAAHHHH!

She runs away screaming. The forest burns to a crisp. –SIZZLE!-

Karen: Whew! That was close…..well, join us next time.

ALL NEXT WEEK (SORT OF) ON A BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24…beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..


	15. 9:00pm 'Game Over'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that garbage, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Furbys were harmed in the filming of this episode. (DAMN!) Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 15

9:00pm – 10:00pm 'Game Over'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred walks into the writer's room; he sets his jacket and things in his chair. He looks on the table and notices a _Jack Bauer doll_.

Fred: What the beans?

Fred picks up the Jack Bauer doll, which has a small handle to pull on its back.

Fred: How interesting….

Fred pulls the string.

Jack Doll: _I'm federal agent Jack Bauer_, _and this is the longest day of my life_.

Fred chuckles.

Fred: Heh, I like that.

He pulls the string again.

Jack Doll: _Who are you working for!_

Fred pulls the string again.

Jack Doll (Evil Voice): _The dark lord is coming! He will devour on your souls!_

Fred: Heh….wait, what?!

He pulls the string again.

Jack Doll: _How about we all have a nice big bowl of strawberry ice cream!_

Fred: Hmm.

He pulls it again.

Jack Doll (Evil Voice): _I the dark lord will tear out your insides and eat them for breakfast! HA! HA! HA!_

Fred: What the hell kind of doll is this?!

Paul and Sam enter the writer's room.

Fred: What the hell is this!?

Paul: Do you like it? We're toying with the concept of '24 Merchandise'.

Fred: First off, _we're writers_. Do we even do that?

Sam: Uh…..

Fred: Besides that, _this thing is possessed!_

Paul: By what?

Fred: _The Spice Girls…_WHO_ ELSE?!_ The devil!

Paul: Ah, you're pulling my leg.

Fred: Really?!

Fred pulls the string.

Jack Doll: _Who wants cookies!_?

Sam: Hmm….

Paul: Uh, Fred, are you okay?

Fred: I pulled the string and it just said something about eating people's insides! This toy is evil!

Sam: Well, I never had any problems with my _Nina Myers doll_.

Sam pulls out his doll and pulls the string.

Nina Doll: _HA! I just tricked you into releasing a virus into CTU's computer network from your cell phone! I love being evil! Now turn this plane around! BWA HA HA!_

Sam: See, it's normal….

Sam pulls the string again.

Nina Doll:_ You're my best friend! Let's go make cupcakes and watch family programming._

Sam: AHHHHHHH!

Sam throws the Nina Myers doll against the wall. –WHACK!-

He runs out of the room screaming.

Fred: Well?

Paul: ……ok, we'll stick with T-Shirts.

Beep…..beep…..beep……beep……bepbepbepbepbepbpebpepbepbepbpe…..24!!!!!

Nadia: Previously on 24…..

-SWOOSH-

When we last left our heroes...

The house of wax melts. –SIZZLE!- Ima croaks.

Ima: BLARG!

Kim: We'll go to McDonalds.

Worker: Get in the freezer!

Kim: Crap. (KIM BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: We're at a cocktail party?

Tony: Woo Hoo!

Guard: After them!

Tony runs by Chloe and Baxter in a wedding gown. They look away, pretending not to know them.

Baxter: So, _how about those Yankees?_

Chloe: -Sigh- (CHLOE O'BRIAN AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

Noah: We're on our way to Los Angeles to meet this mysterious individual…..

Supposedly dead ex-president Rolando Callahan plays with his tea set.

Rolando Callahan: _More tea? Mrs. Periwinkle?_ (ROLANDO CALLAHAN)

Oookay…..

-SWOOSH-

Jack kills Agatha.

Jack: HWA!

Agatha: BLARG!

Jack and Doyle get stuck at McDonalds.

Jack: Dang it!

Doyle: Not again….

Chuck Norris chokes on a french fry.

Chuck Norris: BLARG! (CHUCK NORRIS!)

Jack: Hey, he was only in the episode for like, 5 seconds! _He doesn't deserve his own square! _What a rip off!

And then there's Jack.

Jack: HEY!

Oh fine, you big baby.

Jack: _It's clobberin time! _(JACK BAUER)

Jack, Bill, and Doyle rush into the control tower main center.

Jack: Tell the pilot of Air Force one not to land that plane! If he does, his life is in danger!

Operator: Don't land the plane, you!

Pilot: Okay!

The plane flies over the landing strip and control tower, then explodes. –KABOOOM!-

Jack: Uh……

Doyle: Good going, Jack…

Jack: How is this my fault?!

Doyle: It just is……

Bill: Oh look, a cookie…..

Morris: The following takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm, dahling……

Jack, Doyle, and Bill run out of the control tower, since Air Force One blew up in last week's episode.

Jack: Hmm…….that was unexpected.

Doyle: You think?

Jack: Well, I guess we can try and find any remaining parts to the plane. And see if the President survived.

Bill: I'll head back to CTU and try to round up more people.

Jack: Okay.

Bill runs off and takes the bike.

Doyle: I sure hope he comes back; I really don't want to walk.

Meanwhile, at Rolando's Evil Hideout. Audrey gets thrown in a chair; the burlap sack gets pulled off of her head.

Rolando: Tried to run, I see.

Audrey: No, I tried to get help.

Rolando: I wouldn't worry about that. You're friends won't find you….

Audrey: Oh popsicles….

Rolando: And now…..

He leans in closer to her.

Rolando: You are going to give me information, on where I can find….Jack….Bauer….

Audrey: Never heard of him.

Rolando: You're lying.

Audrey: Yeah, well your breath smells.

Rolando: Okay, I'll play along. I'll be back in one hour. You know where Jack is…..

Audrey: Actually I don't.

Rolando: You will tell me what I want to know…..or……else!

Audrey: Or…..else……what?

Rolando: Hmm…..I haven't decided yet. Most likely torture.

Audrey: Oh whoopty doo.

Meanwhile, the van holding 80 of the cast, pulls into a McDonald's Drive-Thru. Morris, who is driving, pulls up to the board.

Morris: Okay, what do you all want?

Kim: Happy Meal.

Nadia: Just a cheeseburger.

Milo: A chocolate milk.

Logan: I guess I'll take a salad.

Tony scoots up to the front.

Tony: I want the Big Mac meal, _Super sized!_

Morris: No, you're not getting it super sized; you never finish all your fries!

Tony: I will this time!

Morris: No!

Tony: You suck!

Morris: Hey! Don't make come back there, dahling.

Michelle: Just let him super size it, Morris.

Morris: No, Michelle. He's spoiled enough as it is.

Tony: Like I care, you're not my real dad anyway.

Morris: That's it!

Morris crawls into the back seat so he can spank Tony. –WHAP!-

Tony: Ow!

Chloe: My night has officially reached a new low……

Baxter: How the hell did I get involved with you people?

Karen: Can I get an apple pie?

9:05:12, out in the middle of nowhere.

A man strapped to a parachute lands on the ground, it's Tom Lennox!

Tom: Hi kids!

And look, its President Noah Daniels as well! They're alive!

Tom: Sir, I'm glad you survived the explosion as well.

Noah: Well, to be honest Tom I jumped kinda early.

-FLASHBACK-

Tom: Okay Mr. President, I'm putting in the 'Special Extended Edition Of Happy Feet', with commentary by Andy Dick, Carrot Top, and Roseanne……._Mr. President?_

Tom looks up to see the Noah gone, and the hatch to the airplane wide open…..

Tom: Man, _that happens every time_.

Tom picks up a parachute and proceeds to jump out of the plane.

-FIN-

Tom: Yes, I figured…….

Noah: Well, I don't know what we're going to do out here; my phone isn't getting any reception.

Tom: Yeah, and it's getting late.

Noah: We have to survive, I'll go look for some stuff to start a fire, it's stating to get nippy out here. You set up a tent.

Noah walks off.

Tom: …….a tent?! How am I supposed to do that…?

9:08:12, back at CTU.

The van pulls into the CTU parking lot. Michelle gets a call on her cell phone, she answers it.

Michelle: Hello?

Sherry: Yes, Michelle?

Michelle: Yeah?

Sherry: This is Sherry.

Michelle: Yes.

Sherry: Director Of CTU.

Michelle: I know.

Sherry: Former wife of former alive former ex-president David Palmer….

Michelle: _I know all that!_ What do you want!

Sherry: Oh, I wanted to call you and inform you guys not to come back to CTU just yet.

Michelle: Huh? Why not?

Sherry: Well, about a few minutes ago, I was cleaning and I found a bomb.

Michelle: A bomb!?

Sherry: Yes.

Michelle: Uh oh, _hey Tony, Sherry found our bomb! We're in so much trouble now!_ Ha, ha, I'm just kidding….

The cell phone call drops.

Sherry continues to talk, though you don't know what she's saying.

Michelle: Uh….Sherry it was a joke….

Sherry: (laughing, mouthing something)

Michelle: Sherry….you know be better than that. Tony and I wouldn't put a bomb at CTU.

Sherry: (blahblahblah)

Michelle: Sherry! Come on! Be realistic here!! _We are not the enemy!_

Sherry realizes the call has been dropped and hangs up, she calls Chloe.

Michelle: Sherry, we've been friends since we were little….okay not really, but please don't fire me. I don't want to go back to being _a stupid fairy godmother again._

Tony: I don't know, I actually had fun doing that.

Chloe's phone rings.

Chloe: Wonderful, I'm getting called into work…….Hello?

Sherry: Chloe it's Sherry…….

Chloe: Okay, what do you want?

Sherry: I was trying to talk to Michelle but our called dropped.

Chloe peers into the front seat to Michelle sobbing over the phone.

Michelle: _Sherrrrrry!_ Please talk to me…..

Chloe: Yeah, she's fine.

Sherry: I wanted to inform you guys to _not come back to CTU yet._

Chloe: _Really!?_

Sherry: Yes, I was cleaning when I found a bomb.

Chloe: Hmm…….

Sherry: So you all can go home…

Chloe: Yes!

Sherry: For now…

Chloe: Crap….

Sherry: Well, actually….

Chloe: -Excited Gasp-

Sherry: Just remain 'On Call'.

Chloe: Crap.

Sherry: You know what, just forget about that.

Chloe: Yay!

Sherry: Just come back at the top of the hour, I'm sure everything will be resolved by then.

Chloe: Double Crap!

Sherry: Toodles!

Sherry hangs up.

Chloe scoots up to Morris.

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Chloe: Sherry told us to go home and remain on call since there's a bomb in the building.

Morris: You don't have to tell me twice.

Chloe: I wasn't going to.

Morris: Uh……okay.

Karen scoots up.

Karen: What happened?

Chloe: Ugh….ask Morris.

Morris: I forgot.

Chloe scoffs.

Chloe: Okay everybody, there's a bomb at CTU, and it's really bad. So we don't have to go back and stuff. So go see your loved ones or whatever, and come back at 10:00.

Milo: What did you say? I was listening to my Ipod.

Chloe: -Sigh-. We don't have to go back to CTU, go home for now, and return later.

Nadia: Chloe, did you say something? I was baking brownies….

Chloe: _Dammit!_ Go home! Come back later! End of story!

Baxter: Yawn, that was a good nap. What's going on now?

Chloe: AARGH!

Chloe opens the van's door and dives into oncoming traffic. –WHAP!- Okay, that didn't happen….

Chloe takes a deep breath.

Tony: We're taking a break.

Everybody: _Oh_…..

Chloe rolls her eyes.

Nadia: Oh Tony, you're so smart!

Baxter: I agree.

Kim: And handsome!

Michelle: He's the coolest husband ever!

Chloe: WHAT!?

Morris: Yeah, dahling, I want to be just like Tony.

Tony: Oh stop, you guys are making me blush.

Logan: Tony, why don't you show everyone your _Pulitzer Prize_?

Tony: Okay!

Tony pulls out his Pulitzer and another trophy for being 'The Coolest Guy on Earth!'

Everyone gives him a round of applause.

Chloe: Oh my god! My nightmares are coming true! ARRRGH!

Chloe opens the van's door and dives into oncoming traffic again. –WHAP!-

Chloe: Do you mind?!

Okay, Chloe lives……_for now_…..

Chloe: Oh nice….

9:15:12, The CTU-mobile drives past / Tom tries to make a fort out of dirt / The bomb squad enters CTU to start their investigation / Jack and Doyle look through the fields for any clues on if the president survived, and I guess Tom Lennox too….

Tom: Well……how rude…..

Back at CTU.

Bomb Squad Man Bob: Okay, Mrs. Palmer, my troops are surveying the premises and should have the situation under control at the top of the hour.

Sherry: Yes, yes….

Back in the Van.

Michelle: Well, what should we do since we're on break?

Milo: I was wondering, _do we even get lunch breaks?_

Everyone remains quiet.

Milo: ….because there have been times where we worked for 24 hours straight without _even a lunch break_….I mean….there has to be some sort of law against that right?

Everyone is still quiet.

Milo: …..right?

Michelle: I know!

Michelle turns around to Tony.

Michelle: We can throw a party! We'll play games, and it'll be a fun way to take our minds off today's horrible events.

Karen: _What horrible events?_

Tony: Hey, that does sound like fun; I just bought this really cool board game we can play.

Michelle: Great. Chloe, you and Morris are more than welcome to come over.

Morris: Sweet!

Chloe: Whatever.

Michelle: And Karen, you can call Bill and you can bring your delicious _green bean casserole!_

Karen: I'll do that right now! (She gets on the phone)

Kim: Hey, that does sound like fun!

Michelle: Oh, actually the games are only up to 6 people, I'm afraid the rest of you can't come.

Kim: WHAT!?

Nadia: Ugh!

Milo: Jerks!

Baxter: How rude indeed…….

Logan: I don't even care……

Michelle: Oh, Morris, right over here.

The CTU van pulls up to Michelle and Tony's house.

Michelle: Okay, here's the plan. Tony, Myself, Chloe, Morris, Karen, and Bill will be inside playing games and eating. You guys can go do something else, but be sure to meet back here so we can head back to CTU.

Kim: You suck….

Michelle and the others pile out of the car and walk into the house.

Kim: ……

Logan: …..

Baxter: …..

Nadia: …..well, this bites.

Milo: You know what? We don't need them and they're crappy cooking….

Nadia: Karen is cooking her famous green bean casserole.

Milo: Okay, we don't need they're crappy games. We can have fun by ourselves.

Nadia: What do you suggest?

Milo: Let's go see a movie!

Kim: I'm down for that!

Logan and Baxter: Whatever.

Milo: Okay, let's roll!

Milo tries to open the door, which is locked.

Milo: _It's locked from the inside!?_

Nadia: Urge to kill……_rising_…..

Meanwhile…..Bill is riding on a bicycle; he finally reaches the CTU parking lot.

Bill: Whew! That was strenuous.

He turns around to the 4 people pushing the bike.

Bill: Thanks guys!

Random Guys: -Grumble- -Grumble-

Bill gets off the bike, his phone rings.

Bill: _Yes, Kare-Bear?_

Karen: Bill, it's your wife…..

Bill: Oh good. Go ahead.

Karen: Listen, I'm over at the Almeida's…..or Dessler's…..or whatever they want to call themselves. Anyway they're having this delightful dinner party. The O'Brians are here as well; did you want to meet me here?

Bill: Are you cooking your famous green bean casserole?

Karen: You bet I am!

Bill: Wonderful! I'll hijack the nearest sports car and be there in a few minutes.

Karen: Splendid! I'll see you here! Bye now!

They hang up.

Bill looks around and notices a very nice looking sports car sitting at a stop light.

Bill approaches the driver.

Bill: Excuse me sir, I need to steal your vehicle.

Driver: What!?

Bill: You don't understand, I'm meeting my wife, _Karen Hayes_, for dinner. She's making her _green bean casserole_.

Driver: _She is!?_ Wow, I heard she makes the best! Here, take the car.

Bill: Thank you, kind sir.

Bill trades places with the driver, he speeds off.

Back at Tony and Michelle's….

Karen: He's on his way.

Michelle: Great, the kitchen's ready for when you want to make your famous green bean casserole!

Karen: Oh, good. I know you all will love it! It's won many cook-off contests.

9:19:43, back in the middle of nowhere.

Noah comes back to the 'tent' with some sticks. Noah has finished his dirt fort.

Noah: Uh….

Tom: You like?

Noah: Um…..it's…….dirt….

Tom: Yes. I know.

Noah: Weren't you supposed to make a tent?

Tom: Well, sir, I really don't have tent making materials out here. Now we better get inside, it's about to rain.

Noah: Um……..

Tom enters the dirt fort, Noah follows.

Noah: Uh, Tom, about this 'fort'.

Tom: I know, it's a real piece of work.

They both see the rain falling outside.

Tom: See, we'll be safe in here.

Noah: Tom, can I ask you something?

Tom: Sure, sir.

Noah: What happens to dirt when mixed with water?

Tom: It becomes mud, sir.

Noah: ……..

Tom: …….

Noah: ….okay, just making sure.

They both lie down on the ground.

Tom: So I hear the Los Angeles cook off is in a couple of weeks, I wonder if Karen is going to cook her delicious green bean casserole?

Noah: I really don't care for green bean casserole.

Tom: What?! How?

Noah: I just don't like the taste of it.

Tom: You never tried Karen's, it's the best.

Noah: Okay, I'll take your word for it.

The both sit there.

Tom: You know, I still can't help but wonder whatever happened to Karen? It's been about almost 6 hours since we heard from her.

Noah: I'm sure she's fine……I think….

The dirt fort turns into mud and collapse on Noah and Tom. –SPLASH!-

Tom: …..Hmm……I think I learned something from this.

Noah: I would hope so.

9:23:11, Bill pulls up in his fancy sports car at Tony and Michelle's. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. Michelle answers it.

Michelle: Bill, I'm so glad you were able to make it. Karen is about to start making her delicious green bean casserole.

Bill: Wonderful, where should I put my coat?

Michelle: Right over there on Chloe.

Chloe: HEY!

Bill throws the sports car driver's coat on Chloe.

Chloe: OOF!

Michelle: Okay, let's start the first game.

Michelle, Tony, Chloe, Morris, Bill and Karen sit at a table.

Michelle: So Tony, what's this game you picked up?

Tony: Oh it just came out, it's really cool.

He reaches down to his side to pick up a box.

Tony: It's called '_24: The Board Game!_'

Chloe: You must be joking…..

Michelle: Oooh, sounds fun. Okay, we'll play a few rounds then we'll have some of Karen's _delicious green bean casserole_!

Tony puts the board on the table.

Tony: Okay everybody starts on the 'Series Premiere' square. You roll the dice and every square you land on represents an episode. You draw a card every turn for a 'Plot' of that episode square. The object of the game is to make it to the 'Series Finale' square without getting killed off. If you do, you have to go back to the beginning.

Morris: Hmm…..okay.

Tony: Everyone get their pieces.

Everyone grabs a character token, of their own characters, respectively.

Tony: Okay Chloe, you can go first.

Chloe: Oh boy….(rolls eyes)

Chloe rolls the dice, it's a 1. She moves her 'Chloe Character' 1 space then draws a card.

Chloe (reading): You sit at your desk and eat a sandwich, which is actually a bomb. It blows up in your face, _Ka Boom!_……wonderful, I was killed off in the first episode.

She moves her token back to the start.

Morris rolls, moving him 4 spaces.

Morris (reading): You've won the National Beauty Pageant, collect $500.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Morris: Hey, I like this game already.

Tony rolls; he moves his character 2 spaces.

Tony (reading): Oooh, a 'Get Out Of Death' free card!

Karen rolls a 6.

Karen (reading): You win the national cook off for your famous _green bean casserole_! Fox has also extended your contract! Collect $5000, and move ahead 10 spaces. YAY!

Chloe: Of good grief…..

9:27:12, at the movies, Nadia, Milo, Kim, Baxter, and Logan stand outside.

Milo: What movie do you guys want to see?

Nadia: I still don't get why we weren't invited to Tony and Michelle's. That is Yup.

Nadia: I mean, _who cares_ _about the stupid games!?_ We still could've eaten something.

Baxter: Especially Karen's famous _green bean casserole_…..

Milo: Forget about them. Let's see, we have..….'_Horny Teenagers: The Movie_'……..'_The Land Before Time XXXXIV: The Extinction_'……..'_Honey, I Auctioned The Kids On Ebay'_ …..and 'Weepy Chick Flick 4: The Final Tearjerker'.

Logan: God, those all sound like crap…..

Nadia: I wouldn't mind seeing 'Weepy Chick Flick'.

Kim: I heard it wasn't as good as '2'.

Nadia: Yea, but they're all the same anyway.

Baxter: I guess the 'Honey, I auctioned the kids' sounds the least horrible.

Milo: Okay, we'll go see that.

Milo walks up to the counter.

Milo: Yes we need 5 tickets for 'Honey, I auctioned the kids'.

Clerk: Sold out.

Milo: Ah hell….Now what?

Baxter: I guess 'Land Before Time'.

Everyone else agrees.

Milo: Okay, 5 for 'Land Before Time'.

Clerk: Sold out.

Milo: Geez…..what do you have?

Clerk: Hmm…….all I have left are seats for 'Weepy Chick Flick'.

Nadia: Oh yay!

Milo and Baxter: Oh no…….

Milo: Whatever. I'll take them.

9:30:12. Milo, Nadia, Kim, Baxter, and Logan walk into the theater / Jack and Doyle are still on their search / Chloe moves a few spaces, reads a card, then moves back to the start. / The bomb squad is searching through the cafeteria.

Doyle: Hmm……Hello! President Daniels!...Tim!?

In a fort made of the firewood sticks, Noah and Tom are sleeping.

Tom: It's Tom……

Noah: Wait! Was that someone!?

Noah gets up and runs outside.

Noah: Bauer! Over here!

Doyle and Jack run over to Noah and Tom.

Doyle: Good to see that you're alive, Mr. President.

Noah: Yes, well……

Jack: Now Mr. President, you were on your way to see someone, right?

Noah: Yes.

Jack: I need you to tell me where I you are going to meet this person.

Noah: I don't know Jack, he said if I brought anyone…..

Jack: Mr. President, we don't have time. We don't know what Rolando Callahan will do next if we don't find him.

Tom and Noah: What?!

Jack: Oh right……he's still alive. In fact, he's the one behind today's 'attacks' and is also the man who wanted to see you in person.

Tom: Huh…..so I _guess his breakfast wasn't poisoned after all_.

Noah: Okay, here's the address.

Doyle: I'll go with you.

Jack: No, you have to take them to a safe house. _Preferably not the only Kim and Teri were taken to back in Season 1._

Doyle: It's not safe?

Jack: No, they're replacing the carpet. Take them to…..this address.

Doyle: Jack, this is the address where Noah was supposed to meet Rolando.

Jack: Oh, whoops! _That would've been embarrassing!_

Doyle rolls his eyes.

Jack: And try to get a hold of Bill to meet up with you at the safe house. Who knows where he is now…..

Meanwhile,

Bill draws a card.

Bill (reading): You are about to eat a sub sandwich which is _actually a missile launcher_. Fortunately it's backwards and the missile fires off _in Chloe's direction, she explodes_. The character playing Chloe move back to the starting point.

Chloe: _OH MY GOD!_ _I was one space away from winning!!!_ I hate this game!

Tony: Okay, we'll play something else.

Chloe: Thank you….

Tony pulls out a '24 Themed _Monopoly Set_.'

Michelle: _24-opoly?_

Chloe: Oh for the love of cool whip….(bangs her head on the table).

Tony sets up the board and everybody grabs their pieces. Chloe goes rolls the dice first, she moves her token.

Chloe: Yay, community chest!

Chloe (reading card): You eat a sandwich which turns out to be a bomb, which blows up in your face. _Go directly to Jail!?_

Tony: Oh, tough luck….

Karen: Sucks to be you….

Chloe: See, this is why I don't participate in these things.

Bill's phone rings.

Bill (answering): Hello?

Doyle: Bill, where are you? I thought you were going to get help?

Bill: Oh Doyle! I was but I got distracted when Karen called me and invited me over to Tony and Michelle's to eat dinner and play some games.

Doyle: Oh…._is she making her famous green bean casserole?_

Bill: Oh yeah….

Doyle: Man, I'm jealous. But anyway, I need to see if you could help me. Jack and I have found the President and Ted.

Tom: _It's TOM!_

Bill: Oh good….

Doyle: And Jack went off to confront Callahan while I'm taking the President to a safe house, could you swing by for extra backup….

Bill: Well…..

Chloe grabs the game board and flings it across the room. –CRASH-

Bill: Yeah, things are about to wrap up here.

Doyle: Okay, see you then.

Meanwhile, at the movies.

Kim and Nadia are sniffing on a Kleenex. Milo, Baxter, and Logan are not enthused.

-MOVIE-

Renee: Oh Sandra! You are my best friend!

Sandra: Oh Renee! So are you!

Renee: But…..unfortunately….._I have every disease known to man!_

Sandra: _So do I!_

Nadia and Kim sob.

Kim (sniffing): _It's so sad! _They've been friends since they were little! –Sniff-

Nadia (Weeping): I know, and they just got tickets to go see '_Sex and The City: On Ice!'_ Now they can't go!

Kim and Nadia sob some more.

Milo: This is just…..hell.

Baxter: Yeah, forget this. I'm going to sneak into the other theater.

Nadia: What? You can't do that! It's wrong!

Baxter: This movie blows. I want to go see 'Honey, I auctioned the kids!'

Baxter takes his leave. Milo and Logan follow. The door to into the hallway opens, Baxter peeks his head out.

Baxter: Okay, the coast is clear.

He takes off across the hall to the other theater.

Baxter, Milo, and Logan stand at the bottom near the screen.

Milo: Look, seats! Those people must have left!

Baxter: Excellent.

They make their way up a couple of rows then shuffle past some people. They finally sit down to enjoy the movie.

-MOVIE-

Wayne: Uh oh!

Diane: Wayne, what did you do _this time?_

Wayne: Honey_, I auctioned the kids off on Ebay!_

Diane: Wayne! How could you?

Wayne: It was an accident!

Diane: Well, can't we cancel the auction?

Wayne: Well…..I thought you would want to look at this first.

Diane: Wayne Szalinksi! You wouldn't dare think about actually going through with……_is that how much they're going for?_

Wayne: Yes, this person is willing to pay us this much, him being the highest bidder and all.

Diane: Wow……we can get that swimming pool we've always wanted.

Wayne: Yes!

Diane: Okay…..okay…..well…….see how much the winning bid is……_then we'll take it from there_….

Wayne: I love you, Honey!

Diane: No, I love you! I'm going to go look at Swimming Pools!

Baxter chuckles to himself. Milo and Logan's jaws are dropped in shock.

Logan: That's just horrible!

Milo: _This is family entertainment?!_

9:39:12, back at CTU.

Bomb Squad Man Bob: Good News, Director Palmer.

Sherry: Yes?

Bob: There have taken care of the bomb.

Sherry: Oh good.

Bob: Everyone can resume working.

Sherry: Oh……so……_you don't need to_…..temporarily shut down the building….in case if you wanted to double check……just askin…

Bob: Nope, we're all clear here. You can have your employees come back to work.

Sherry: Damn! Okay…..

The bomb squad heads out. Sherry gets on her phone.

Michelle answers her phone.

Michelle: Yes, Sherry.

Sherry: Michelle, it's Sherry Palmer.

Michelle: Yes Sherry, go ahead.

Sherry: Michelle, the bomb squad has cleared out; the bomb has been dealt with.

Michelle: Oh good…….

Sherry: Yes, and is Chloe still with you?

Michelle: She's in the middle of writing hateful letters to _Parker Brothers_.

Sherry: I see, we'll I just wanted to ask her something but I guess it can wait. I'll see you all back up here.

Michelle: Okay, oh and _sorry about planting the bomb, we were just trying to blow you up, that's all!_ Ha, ha, ha….

Sherry laughs; Michelle can't hear it because the call drops again.

Michelle: Sherry………..?...Um……….I'm just kidding………you know that, right?...Sherry?...

9:45:58, a helicopter lands in front of the safe house. Doyle, Noah, and Tom get out.

Doyle: Good thing this chopper came by, or we'd still be walking.

Noah and Tom sit down on the couch. Doyle answers his ringing phone.

Doyle: Doyle.

Bill: Doyle, it's Bill.

Doyle: Oh hey, I've just reached the safe house with President Daniels and Todd.

Tom: _It's Tom, dammit!_

Bill: Okay, where is this place?

Doyle: Oh yeah, you would need directions. Here….

He walks out of the room. There's a rustling sound heard outside.

Tom: What was that?

Noah: Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Tom: ……

Noah: ……

Tom: ….._There it is again!_

Noah: Tom, chill out, I'm sure it's just a tree branch or something.

Tom nervously looks out the window.

_IT'S TIME FOR TELETUBBIES!_

Tom: AAAIIIIEEEE!

Noah: What is your problem? I just turned on the TV.

Tom: Oh, that just startled me……thats all……_stupid Teletubbies_…..

Meanwhile, at a parking garage.

Jack pulls up in a sports car he hijacked. He steps out in investigates.

Jack: Hmm…….

He walks into the middle of the parking garage, a mysterious figure appears.

Jack: …….Hello?

Man: You are not President Daniels…..

Jack: Yes I am…….

Man: I'm not stupid!

Jack: …..oh….

Man: How dare you waste my time! Die!

The man pulls out a gun and fires at Jack; he misses as Jack hits the floor. The man takes off, Jack stands back up and runs after him. He pulls out his wand.

Jack: _Stupify!_ Oh crap, I keep forgetting this thing doesn't work anymore.

He throws the wand to the side and continues to chase after him.

Meanwhile, Tony and Michelle are driving back to work.

Tony: Well, that was fun.

Michelle: Yes, yes it was.

The mysterious man runs in front of their car.

Tony: ACK!

Tony slams on the breaks, stopping right before the man, who inadvertently places his hands on the hood of the car.

Tony: Uh….sorry.

The man takes off, Tony start to drive again before almost hitting Jack.

Tony: ACK!

Jack: Hey guys!

Michelle: Jack?!

Jack runs off, Tony starts to drive again, almost hitting _Ferris Bueller._

Michelle and Ferris stare each other down, before he takes off.

Tony: _Does anybody use the crosswalk anymore, geez!_

Michelle: Follow Jack!

Tony turns left on a street and races to follow Jack and the mysterious man.

Michelle: There he is…..I wonder what he's doing?..._TONY! LOOK OUT!_

Tony crashes the car into an innocent bystander. –CRASH!-

Tony: Oh man…..

They slowly get out of the car.

Michelle: _Oh my god, Tony! You killed Big Bird!_

Tony inspects the totaled front end of his car, as well as the giant yellow bird lying in the pool of blood.

Tony: Man, it's going to cost a fortune to fix this.

Michelle: Tony, we have bigger problems at hand, you killed…..that!

Tony: So?

Michelle: I swear, you're worse than Jack. _Either he's running over Celine Dion, or you're mowing down the residents of Sesame Street!_

Tony: I wish it would've been Elmo….

Michelle: Tony!

Tony: I'm sorry; he just gets on my nerves…..

Michelle: Well, let's find Jack.

A grey delivery truck zooms past them, with Jack holding on to the back door.

Tony: Uh…..

Michelle: Come on…..

Tony and Michelle take off running after Jack as the screen splits down at 9:55:12. Tony and Michelle are running / Jack is hanging on to the door, trying to open it. / Chloe and Morris are driving back to CTU with Karen in the back seat. / Milo, Baxter, Logan, Kim and Nadia are walking back to CTU after seeing 'Weepy Chick Flick'. / Noah is channel surfing while Tom looks out the window. / Doyle makes himself a sandwich / Bill is driving to the safe house / Sherry is organizing her desk, in the 2nd floor glass office / Audrey is sitting in the chair, Rolando comes back in.

Rolando: Well, it's just about 10:00.

Audrey: Thanks for the update, how's the weather?

Rolando: _Breezy skies with a 70 chance of rain_. Now, you will tell me where Bauer is……

Audrey: I…..don't……know…..

Rolando: That's too bad……..I guess I'll have to find out for myself. But let me know if you have any ideas.

Audrey: Never!

Rolando: Why don't you sleep on it?

Rolando sticks a needle into Audrey's arm.

Audrey: Oooh…..this better not knock me out for another 11 episodes…..uuugh…..

Her head slumps. Rolando walks out of the room.

Meanwhile, in pursuit….

Tony: Man…..so……tired of running…..

Michelle: Jack!

Jack gets the door opened. He turns to see Tony and Michelle running after him. They catch up to the truck as Jack helps them inside, he slams the door shut.

Jack: What are you guys doing?

Michelle: Well, we thought you needed help…..

Tony: Uh…..Michelle?

Michelle: Hold on, Tony. What are you doing? Where's Doyle?

Jack: He's with the President in a safe house. I came here to meet the person that Noah was supposed to meet with; he took off in this van. Fortunately he doesn't know I'm on board, so I'm thinking he'll take me straight to Callahan.

Tony: ….Michelle?

Michelle: Well, are you prepared? What if this guy has extra security?

Jack: I'll worry about that when I come across it…..

Tony: Michelle?

Michelle: What is it Tony?

Tony: Um……something's not right about this truck….

Michelle: It does smell kinda bad in here…….

Jack: …..uh oh.

Michelle: Jack, this truck is filled with dirty diapers!

Jack: Man, why do I always end up in these situations….

Michelle: Well, open the door.

Jack tries to open the door, but it's stuck.

Jack: Oh….crap…..

Michelle: It's stuck, isn't it?

Jack: Yeah.

Michelle: Wonderful…..

Tony passes out.

Michelle: Tony…..wake up! Oh…..it's so awful…….

Michelle tries to hold her breath.

Jack: Don't worry, I'm Jack Bauer, I'll save the day!

Michelle passes out.

Jack: Hmm……well, I guess I could take a quick nap on the way over there.

Jack nestles himself in a corner and falls asleep.

Meanwhile, back at CTU.

Chloe, Morris, Karen, Milo, and everyone else walk into the main floor.

Chloe sits down.

Chloe: For once it actually feels nice to sit down here.

Milo and Nadia walk upstairs to the glass office.

Sherry: Oh good. You guys are back.

Nadia: Yes, glad the whole bomb incident is under control.

Sherry: Yes, well, now we can get back to work. Get Logan in a holding cell, have Chloe try to get a hold of Jack and Doyle. And see if Kim and that cat would like a lift home.

Nadia: Okay.

They leave.

Chloe is shuffling through some paperwork. She notices her lunch bag still on her desk.

Chloe: Oh, I forgot about this.

She pulls out a sandwich from her lunch bag and is about to take a bite when it explodes in her face. –KERSPLAT!-

Chloe: ACK!

A nasty green cloud spreads throughout the room.

Chloe: It's sleeping gas….-cough- -cough-

Chloe faints.

Kim and Baxter run to the exit but fall to the ground before reaching the door.

Nadia and Milo descend the stairs.

Milo: What the?

Nadia: It's sleeping gas! Run!

They turn around to run back up the stairs before collapsing.

The security guard escorting Logan to a cell falls to the ground.

Logan???

Logan turns around before passing out himself.

Everyone starts dropping like flies, Morris makes his way to his desk, he notices a fax that has came in from Audrey with an address on it……

Morris: Hey…..its…..ugh……(Falls down)

Sherry looks up from what she is doing and everything outside the glass office is filled with green smoke.

Sherry: I should've stayed in bed today.

Sherry picks up the phone to call for help. She sees a _mouse named Ralph get on his motorcycle_.

Sherry: Uh…..

Ralph speeds off and flies off a ramp crashing through the window. –CRASH!- The green cloud seeps into the office.

Sherry: AAHHH! Stupid rat!

Sherry quickly dials the numbers.

Doyle's phone rings, he doesn't hear it since him, Noah, and Tom are sleeping on the couch.

Sherry: Dammit……..ooooh……

Sherry falls to the floor.

Bill comes up to the safe house.

Bill: Oh good.

Radio: And now, the _Best Of Enya!_

Bill: Oh crap, not her.

He tries to turn the knob, which breaks.

Bill: Oh no! Man………_it's soo relaxing_…….zzzzzz

Bill passes out at the wheel; the car veers off the road and into a giant bush. –RUSTLE! RUSTLE!-

Bill: ZZZZZZZZ………

9:59:57  
9:59:58  
9:59:59  
10:00:00

Fred: WHAT!? _Why is everybody asleep?!_

Paul: Huh?

Fred: Everybody has passed out!

Paul: Oh...no……

Fred: Uh yeah. Jack, Michelle, and Tony passed out from diaper fumes. Then Everybody at CTU, The President, Tom, Doyle, Audrey, and now Bill.

Paul: Oh….I guess everyone did pass out.

Fred: You could've ran this by me before they started filming. How are we going to fix this……!?

Paul: Uh…..

Sam: …….

Fred: Well?!

Paul: Uh…..

Sam: ……hmm…..

EVERYBODY IS UNCONSIOUS! WILL THEY WAKE UP SOON BEFORE THE TERRORISTS STRIKE? ARE THE WRITER'S GOING TO HAVE TO GET NEW JOBS BECAUSE PAUL SCREWED UP AGAIN? WILL ANYBODY REALIZE THAT KAREN NEVER ENDED UP MAKING HER _FAMOUS GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE!?_ FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF '24'.

Next time……-SWOOSH-

Coming This Summer…..

Tony Almeida….

Michelle Dessler….

In _Tony And Michelle's High School Reunion_…….

Tony and Michelle are hanging out at their 10 year High School Reunion.

Audrey walks up with her skanky friend Nadia.

Nadia: HEY!

And Captain of the football team, Jack Bauer.

Jack: Yes…..

Audrey: So Tony…..Michelle…..what horrible, unimportant lives are you two leading…?

Tony: Uh….

Michelle: Hmm….

Tony: Well, _I created Post It Notes_…..

Audrey: …….

-Whatever…SWOOSH-

Jack: ZZZZZ……

Tony: ZZZZZZ…….

Michelle: ZZZZZZ

-SWOOSH-

Everyone at CTU: ZZZZZZZZ

-SWOOSH-

Bill: Hey, where did you want to go for our date night?

Karen: Oh I don't care.

Bill: I was thinking the opera.

Karen: _The opera?!_ Yuck!...oh wait, I have ticket's to the _Diff'rent Strokes_ convention.

Bill: They have a convention for that?

Karen: Yes! And they also have a costume contest! Whoever has the best costume gets to have a small role in next week's episode.

Bill: How is that?! That shows been off the air for like….30 years.

Karen: Oh………huh……..well……..

Bill: Well, we can stay at home and eat some of your _delicious green bean casserole_….

Karen: Bill, that's not even funny! _You know I don't know how to make green bean casserole!_

She storms out of the room.

-Well, glad that's settled, SWOOSH-

Jack: Hey folks, welcome to this week's edition of 'Punked'. I'm going to play a little joke on fellow co-worker Chloe O'Brian. Who has a little surprise waiting for her when she comes home.

Jack hides in the bushes as Chloe's car pulls up in the driveway. She gets out and walks to her front door. Upon opening it, he house goes up in a gigantic explosion! –KABOOOOOOM!- Chloe goes flying.

Jack: Oooh, that's going to sting.

Chloe lands right beside Jack.

Jack: Chloe! _You've just been punked! How does it feel?_

Chloe: ……

Jack: Chloe…?

Chloe: …..

Jack: Chloe: ….?

Chloe: ….

Jack: Chlo-ster?

Chloe: ….

Jack: Hey!

Chloe: ….

Jack: It's Chloe…._Miss O'Brian if you're nasty!_

Chloe: ….

Jack: Wake up!

Chloe: ….

Jack pokes her with a stick. –POKE! POKE!-

AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..


	16. 10:00pm 'Over The Budget'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that garbage, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Tickle Me Elmos were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 16

10:00pm – 11:00pm 'Over The Budget'

AT SOME CEREMONY.

Announcer: And now, your hosts for tonight, '_The Writing Staff of the Fox hit show, 24!'_

Sam and Paul walk out on stage.

Paul: Thank you. Thank you. You all are too kind!

The only audience is an old woman passed out in her potato salad.

Old Woman: ZZZZZ….

Sam: We wanted to thank you all for coming tonight for an advance screening of this week's episode of '24'.

Paul: Yes. Unfortunately, Fred couldn't make it because he had to fly to Seattle for a business trip. We'll be talking with him via satellite throughout the course of this evening. Sam, would you like to tell our viewers what makes this episode of '24' so special. Wait for Sam to start talking then interrupt him with a joke.

Sam: Uh….I don't think you were supposed to read that part of the teleprompter.

Paul: Oh….

Sam: Anyway, I….

Paul: _So these two nuns walk into a bar……_

Sam: …..

Paul: …that was the joke.

Sam: Anyway, this episode of '24' is special, because we decided to do something different because we kinda goofed and made everybody fall asleep in last week's episode. Realistically, they can't wake up anytime soon or it would just be stupid. So instead we took it upon ourselves to go _way over the budget_ and use this episode to focus on what the characters are dreaming about. It gives us a chance to 'break the rules' a little and just give everybody a break from the main storyline, whatever that is.

Old Woman Potato Salad: _Didn't you all just get through having witches?_ –SPLAT!-

Paul: Uh….now live from Seattle, here's Fred!

Fred appears on screen via satellite.

Paul: Hi Fred! How's the weather up there?

Fred: _What the hell did you do with this week's episode!_?

Paul: Uh……..

Fred: I can't believe this! I leave for a few days and you turn the show into 'Magic Happy Variety Hour'! We'll be the laughing stock of everybody!

Paul: Uh…….what's that, Fred? You're breaking up really badly…..gotta go!

Fred: I'm goin…..g…..t…o……ki…..ll……y…..ou……b….o….th……….aaa……aa….aa…rrr….gg….hhh…..!

Paul: Uh….Fred, everybody!

Sam: And now here you go, this week's brand new hour of 24!

Beep…..beep……beep……beep…..bepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpebpe….24!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24….

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Tell Air Force One not to land! The president's life is in danger!

Air Traffic Controller: Fine!

Air Force One Explodes.

Jack: Oh snap!…..(JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry is cleaning her office when she hears a ticking noise.

Sherry: What be that?

Sherry: Chloe, tell everyone not to come back for a while, I believe there's a bomb.

Chloe: Super. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH!-

Tom: Mr. President! You're alive!

Noah: Yes, we have to survive out here.

Tom: Good thing I brought along this travel DVD player so we can still watch _Happy Feet_.

Noah: Urge to kill….._rising_…. (PRESIDENT NOAH DANIELS)

-SWOOSH-

Rolando: You will tell me where Jack Bauer is, now!

Audrey: _Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin!_ (AUDREY RAINES)

Rolando: Oh real mature…. (PRESUMABLY DEAD FORMER PRESIDENT AND CHAMPION LACROSSE PLAYER ROLANDO CALLAHAN)

Audrey: I know you are, but what am I…..

Rolando: I'm leaving…

-SWOOSH-

Chloe runs across a giant Monopoly board. Being chased by a car, a dog, an iron, a hat, a man riding a horse, and of course a thimble.

Dog: _After her!_ Don't let her get away!

Chloe (screaming): _I'M NOT PAYING LUXURY TAX, DAMMIT!_

Chloe wakes up in her bed in a cold sweat.

Chloe: Whew! What an awful dream…..stupid writers…..

-SWOOSH-

Everyone starts passing out one by one.

Morris: Oh look, a fax from Aud……ugh….-WHOMP!-

Bill: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 11:00pm

The dirty diaper van drives by; Jack, Michelle, and Tony are passed out after inhaling too many toxic fumes.

Jack kinda rolls over to the side, he smiles in his sleep. Twitching a little bit…..The camera does a _weird wavy effect_….

-JACK'S DREAM-

The scene switches to the medieval city of _Kieferlot_.King Jack Bauer sits at his throne.

Jack: Heh, heh, heh. It's good to be king! Somebody bring me grapes! Where is my royal servant?!

Tom Lennox walks up to King Bauer.

Jack: Royal servant! I want some grapes.

Tom rolls his eyes.

Tom: Sir, you had all fruit banned from the city. In fact, _you had anything remotely healthy_ banned from Kieferlot.

Jack: Yes, I see. Well, go steal some from next door.

Tom: Next door?

Jack: Well, in the next city.

Tom: My liege, we go through this every day. You want something we don't have, and then you send me to the adjacent village. They just get pissed and declare war.

Jack: Do it! For I am King!

Tom walks off grumbling.

Jack: Where is my queen, _Jessica Alba?_

Tom (walking out the door): You're married to Audrey Raines….

Jack: Oh fudge…..well, I guess she'll do……where is she anyway….?

Meanwhile, Queen Audrey Raines was talking to Princess Kimberly Bauer about her upcoming 16th birthday…..uh, she's not 15….

Audrey: Yes she is, just deal with it. Now Kim, what do you want for your birthday….?

Kim: …..an _Ipod._

Audrey: Those don't exist yet.

Kim: I don't know….

Audrey: How about a prince?!

Kim: What? I don't want a prince…

Audrey: Yes you do….

Kim: Mother, why have you been trying so hard lately to hook me up with some prince?

Audrey: Well…..I guess I could tell you the truth…..

Kim: What is it?

Audrey: Kim…..you're cursed.

Kim: Well duh….

Audrey: Well, this is……you see when you were born…..this evil sorceress named _Nina Myers_ bestowed a horrible curse on you. Not set to activate until your 16th birthday.

Kim: Fine time to tell me now. My birthday's tomorrow.

Audrey: I just forgot. Anyway, you must marry a prince by midnight tonight, _or you'll turn into a toad!_

Kim: I just can't get a break.

Audrey: Then it's settled. You're getting a prince! I'll pick one up from the store today on my way home.

Kim: I have a feeling this isn't going to get any better.

Back in the throne room.

Chloe (in a jester outfit): Of all the things to make me, you _make me the jester!_ God, I hate you so much….

Jack: Try to stay in character. Now…..entertain me.

Chloe: How?

Jack: I don't know. You went to _Jester School_.

Chloe: No I didn't.

Jack: Ugh! Well, do something. Or I'll have you killed.

Chloe: Please! Do that!

Jack: Just do something, dammit! I'm running out of time!

Chloe: Whatever.

Jack: Here, _juggle these sausages_.

Jack throws Chloe a few giant sausage links. –FLOP!-

Chloe: You're kidding, right?

Across the meadow, in the _Kingdom Of Aylesworth._ King Tony Almeida and Queen Michelle Dessler reign supreme.

Tony: _And don't you forget it!_

Nadia, Tony's servant, approaches him.

Nadia: My King, I believe there is an intruder from Kieferlot trying to steal our grapes.

Tony: WHAT!? God, that stupid King Bauer tries to steal form us every day. There's like, 9 other cities around here. Why can't he steal from them?!

Nadia: What would you like for me to do sir?

Tony: Kill that man stealing our grapes. Then send our messenger to Kieferlot to _declare war!_ I'm going to end this….

Michelle: You say that every time….

Tony: Well, I mean it this time.

Michelle: Whatever.

Nadia walks into the Grape Fields to Tom.

Nadia: Hi.

Tom: Hello.

Nadia: I'm supposed to kill you since you're stealing our grapes.

Tom: Oh…..can't I join you guys instead?

Nadia: Hmm….I sure the King won't mind. Come inside.

Tom: Yippie!

Back in Kieferlot, Chloe is looking over a parchment.

Chloe: King Bauer, I just received word that Servant Tom has joined with King Almeida's staff.

Jack: How rude!..._Aren't you supposed to be juggling sausages_?

Chloe groans and walks back to her post.

Jack: How dare Almeida steal my servant! I won't stand for this! _MESSENGER!_

Bill runs up to Jack.

Bill: Yes, your highness?

Jack: Send a message to the King of Aylesworth. I am going to declare war on their city.

Bill: Oh brother…..okay.

Bill runs off.

Jack: Someone bring me food!

Charles Logan, the castle chef. Brings out a _TV dinner_.

Logan: Here you go, _bon voyage! _–PLOP!-

Jack: What the hell is this!?

Logan: It's your dinner…..

Jack: Aw man, _peas!? I hate peas!_

Logan: If you don't eat your peas, you're not getting any desert.

Jack: What's for desert?

Logan: ….._more peas!_

Jack: UGH!

Afternoon, King Jack tries to shove peas in his mouth, just spitting them out again. / A sausage hits Chloe in the face / Bill is running through the grassy fields / King Tony looks out a window.

Bill ends up at a bridge that crosses over to Aylesworth. He meets Karen, the messenger for their city.

Bill: Hello wife!

Karen: Afternoon, husband!

Bill: Can you give a message to your king?

Karen: I guess so.

Bill: The city of Kieferlot is going to declare war on your city.

Karen: Hey, _our city is going to declare war on your city too!_

Bill: Really!?

Karen: Yeah!

They both laugh.

Bill: Man, small world, huh?

Karen: Tell me about it, sister.

Bill: Well, okay I'll give the news to our king.

They both run off.

Meanwhile, in some tower.

Kim: Oh, I really need a prince to marry. I don't want to become a toad. I just got rid of my last wart.

A voice: My Princess! I've come to marry you!

Kim: Yay!

Kim runs to the balcony of the tower, looking to find _Mike Doyle _standing at the base of the tower.

Kim: _You're my prince!? _

Doyle: Yes!

Kim: Ew! You're like, old enough to be my dad!

Doyle: No I'm not! I'm just made to look that way!

Kim: Whatever, _NEXT!_

Doyle: This isn't a game show. Either we get married or you'll turn into a toad, and I'll turn into a _urinal cake_.

Kim: _A WHAT!?_

Doyle: You know, those little smelly blocks in urinals. You've used them…

Kim: Uh….I don't use urinals.

Doyle: What? That's nuts! Why not!

Kim: Because….oh forget it. Are you coming to rescue me or not?

Doyle: I must come up there to you!

Kim: I don't know…..

Doyle: Throw down your hair!

Kim: My what?

Doyle: You're hair! I'll climb up it!

Kim: _Have you lost your mind!?_

Doyle: Okay, toady….

Kim: -Sigh- Okay, okay.

Kim grabs her ridiculously long hair and throws it down to Doyle. Doyle jumps and starts to climb.

Kim: OW! _You're ripping out my scalp!_

Doyle: Almost there…….-RIP!-

Kim: AAAHHHH!

Doyle: Hold on…..almost…..

Kim: Doyle, you haven't moved an inch.

Doyle: Okay, so I suck at climbing things….-RIP!-

Kim: Oh it hurts!

Doyle: Hey, a ladder!

Kim: Now you notice a ladder! I'm going to kill you….

Doyle sets up the ladder and climbs up to the balcony and into her room.

Doyle: I'm here to marry you!

Kim: You know you didn't have to come up here; I could've just climbed _down_ the ladder.

Doyle: Good point, let's go.

They walk back onto the balcony; a bird flies into the ladder, knocking it down. –SPLAT!...CRASH!-

Doyle: Crap…

Kim: Wonderful, now were both stuck up here.

Doyle: We can use your hair.

Kim: It didn't work last time…

Doyle: For climbing…..we'll be going down this time so it'll be easier.

Kim: If you say so. What do we have to do….

Doyle: Okay, you drop your hair over to the side; I'll slide down it and run away….

Kim: …..

Doyle: ….

Kim :…..AND!?

Doyle: ….that's…..it?

Kim: What about me!?

Doyle: Oh….well, you can slide down it too!

Kim: _THE HAIR IS ATTACHED TO MY HEAD! _How the hell can I slide down it?

Doyle: Uh……..oh! I got it. I'll go down first, and then I'll set the ladder back up!

Kim: Now you're thinking. Okay, let's do this.

Kim: Okay, ready?

Doyle: Ready!

Kim: Okay grab on….and jump!

Doyle jumps off the balcony. Kim doesn't feel anything….

Kim: Hmm……I know my hair isn't _that long_….

Kim notices a _rope _on the ground.

Kim: Oh, I do have a rope up here, how stupid of me……uh oh…..DOYLE!

Kim runs to the balcony….-SPLAT!-

Kim: Ewww……well…..I guess I can try to climb down now….

Back in the throne room.

Bill hands Jack a can.

Bill: Here.

Jack: What's this?

Bill: The King of Aylesworth wishes to speak with you.

Jack holds the can up to his ear, creamed style corn pours out everywhere. –SPOOSH!-

Jack: Ugh….

Bill: I guess I could've cleaned that out first….

Jack: Ya think?

Jack shakes some of the corn out of his ear, then get's back on the can.

Jack: Not _that_ can, sickos!

Tony: King Bauer!

Jack (disgusted): King Almeida.

Tony: It's come to my attention that you are attempting to start a war on our city.

Jack: You would be correct! I will not stand here and let you steal my precious castle staff members.

Tony: Well, if you wouldn't have sent him to steal our fruit! This wouldn't have happened. Which for that reason, we are declaring war on you!

Jack: Fine, the little piece of land between our cities in half an hour…..

Tony: Yeah, I really don't have that kind of time. Let's do it now.

Jack: You're on!

Jack throws the can away.

Later afternoon. King Bauer is leading his troops to war / King Almeida is doing the same / Doyle is a pancake / Tom and Nadia are discussing how annoying their Kings are.

King Bauer, Queen Audrey Raines, Chloe the jester, Bill the messenger, Charles Logan the cook, and some non-important extras prepare for battle.

King Almeida, Queen Michelle Dessler, Milo the jester, Karen the messenger, Morris the cook, and some more extras arm their weapons.

Jack: _FOR KIEFERLOT!_ Charge!

Everybody runs forward each other. Jack and Tony engage in a slapping match.

Jack: Ow….-SLAP!-

Tony: OOF! –SLAP!-

Audrey and Michelle tackle each other, pulling each others hair.

Audrey: Ow, my extensions!

Chloe and Milo throw sausages at each other.

Milo: Take that, swine!

Chloe: I'm not a swine, Milo! Take this! –FLING!-

Bill and Karen look at each other.

Bill: What the hell are _we going to do?_

Karen: Yeah, we're not very intimidating.

Bill: Let's go get breakfast.

Karen: Yeah, they just built an IHOP down the road. I could go for some waffles.

Bill: Why not go to the Waffle House?

Karen: I don't like their waffles…..I do like their pancakes though.

Bill: So you go to the International House of Pancakes to get waffles, and the Waffle House to get Pancakes.

Karen: A tangled web we weave, husband.

Bill: So true….

Logan: I guess we fight too…

Morris: Yeah….

Logan: All I have is _confectioner's sugar_…..

Morris: I just have some _Mrs. Dash._

Logan: Hmm……en guarde!

Logan flings a handful of sugar in Morris' face.

Morris: Why I oughtta! Take this!

Morris sprinkles Mrs. Dash on Logan.

Logan: ARGH! My eyes!

The two cities continue to have war with each other until night fell……everyone is either lying down or dead.

Jack: Okay……I won't steal your grapes anymore.

Tony: Fine…..you can have Tom Lennox back.

Jack: Can I have Nadia.

Tony: What?! You can't have her!

Jack: Hey man, I'm making sacrifices too!

Tony: Yours doesn't count! No deal….

Jack: Fine……can I have Michelle?

Tony: _NO!_

Jack: Okay, okay……..Morris?

Tony: No, dammit!

Jack: Fine…..you big meanie……

Chloe is walking back into the castle.

Chloe: …._who left this urinal cake here?!_

Jack wakes up to find himself in a pile of diapers.

Jack: Ugh…….gross.

He sees Tony and Michelle still zonked out. Tony snuggles up with a giant diaper…eewwww…..

-TONY'S DREAM-

Space……the final frontier……._These are the voyages of the U.S.S Kentucky Fried Chicken._ To boldly go where no man has gone before…….

The spaceship zooms by.

_STAR BOOM_: The Series!

Starring:

Tony Almeida as Captain Tony Almeida

Baxter The Talking Cougar as Number 2

Michelle Dessler as Counselor Michelle Dessler

Morris O'Brian as Lt. Morris O'Brian

Milo Pressman as Lt. Commander Milo Pressman

Bob Newhart as Lt. Commander Admiral Billy Prescott

Sally Field as Lt. Commander Admiral General Secret Service Captain Sandra Buttermilk!

And Chloe O'Brian as Nurse Payne!

Star Boom is not filmed in front of a live studio audience…._because they're in space, duh..._

Tony: Captain's Log _867-5309_……this is day 1,223 on our voyage to seek out new planets and crap. Tensions are running high with the crew, and only I can be the voice of reason. Soon these people are going to drive me insane with their stupidity…

Baxter: Uh, Captain. If you're going to do your little space journals, could you _not say them out loud to yourself on the bridge!_

The crew is glaring at Tony.

Tony: Whoops!

Morris: Captain, I'm getting a distress call from a ship under attack.

Tony: On screen….

An image of Nadia appears.

Tony: Not her, _the football game! I'm missing the kickoff!_

Michelle: Captain, I think she's more of a priority.

Tony: Fine.

Nadia: This is Captain Nadia Yassir of the U.S.S Dairy Queen, our ship is under attack and we need assistance…

Tony (on his radio): _TOUCHDOWN!_

Michelle rips the headphones off his head and tosses it to the side.

Tony: Very well, Captain Yassir. How much?

Nadia: ….what?

Tony: How much?

Nadia: How much what?

Tony: How much are you going to _pay us_ for our services?

Nadia: You have got to be kidding me? We need help or we'll die! You expect us to pay you!

Tony: Uh, yeah. We have to make a living somehow….

Nadia: You monster!

Tony: Sorry. Life saving request denied. Almeida out.

-Click-

Michelle and Baxter look at Tony.

Tony: Damn, now I don't know who won….

Baxter: That wasn't very smart.

Michelle: Yeah, Captain. Why are you such a Jerkwad?

Tony: Because that's how I am, Michelle……that's my life. And nobody can change me. Not you, not number 2, anybody!

Michelle: If you say so.

Milo: Captain, we're approaching a strange planet.

Tony: Oh good, let's go investigate.

Baxter: Uh, Captain. We should probably look into this planet first before just beaming down there.

Tony: Nonsense. My away team will include me, number 2, Counselor Dessler, and……one other person.

Morris and Milo sit there.

Tony: Don't either of you two want to come?

Morris: No thanks, I want to live.

Milo: Ditto.

Tony: Worthless, fine, I'll take Nurse Payne.

On the strange planet _Cameron Diaz IV_, Tony and his away team beam down to the surface.

Baxter: Uh, Captain?

Tony: What now?

Baxter: I don't think this was a good away team choice.

Tony: How so.

Baxter: Well, the captain, a cougar, a counselor, and a nurse just doesn't seem right. I mean, what's Michelle going to do? Talk to kids about not using Marijuana?

Michelle: I do more than that, jerk!

Chloe: Why did I have to come along, I have enough sick people to deal with _on the ship!_

Tony: Human shield.

Chloe: Nice…

An army of aliens approaches the group.

Baxter: EEP!

Tony: Take us to your leader…or we'll kill you.

The aliens draw phaser rifles.

Tony: Attack!

Tony and Baxter attempt to draw their own weapons _which they did not bring along_…

Tony: Oh pudding pops!

Chloe throws a _bottle of Tylenol _at one of the aliens. –BONK!-

Tony: Is that it?!

Chloe: You have no room to gripe!

Michelle: I'll handle this.

Michelle walks up to one of the aliens.

Michelle: Now kids…_Marijuana's bad, mmkay?_

Aliens: Mookey, Shchlenflock Mook Nanananana.

Tony: Don't talk about my mother!

Baxter???

They grab Tony and the others.

Tony: Uh oh, this looks like the end of our adventures.

Chloe: That's a surprise….(Rolls eyes)

What will happen to our heroes, find out next time on _Star Boom: The Series!_

Tony wakes up to Jack hitting him on the head with his shoe. –BONK!-

Tony: OW!...Dammit Jack, I was having an awesome dream.

Jack: Really, was I the hero who saved the day?

Tony: Uh, no……man, and it ended in a cliffhanger too. I'm going back to sleep….

-ZZZZZ-

Alien Leader: Those humans _sure were delicious_!

Alien Soldier: I don't know, _that Nurse tasted like beef jerky_…..

Alien Leader: Who wants Ice Cream!?

Alien Group: We do!

Tony wakes back up.

Tony: Hmm, that did not end the way I wanted it to. Oh well, Michelle! Guess what? I had this cool dream I was the captain of something and all sorts of other cool stuff happened, well not really, but….

Michelle: ZZZZZZ…..

-MICHELLE'S DREAM-

Michelle is relaxing on a tropical resort island.

Michelle: Ahh…..peace.

Fabio: Would you like another coconut, my love?

Michelle: Yes, Fabio.

Fabio: More '_I can't believe it's not butter'_ for your bagel, my love?

Michelle: Tee hee….yes, please.

Tony: I'll take some too!

Michelle: ACK! Tony! What the hell are you doing here!? Can't you see I'm trying to cheat on you with _Fabio!?_

Tony: Hmm….wise choice. I'll take some butter now….

Michelle: I'm here on vacation. Go away!

Tony: Oh Michelle, I wanted to tell you about this dream I had! We were in space, and Chloe tasted like _beef jerky!_ And….

Michelle: I don't care, shoo!

Tony: Fine, I'll leave. I'll make friends with someone else.

Tony picks up a volleyball.

Tony: I'm going to call you 'Wilson'!

Michelle: Anyway, where were we?

Fabio: I was about to slather '_I can't believe it's not butter_' all over my muscles for you, my love!

Michelle: Oooh, how….odd. But go ahead.

Wilson the volleyball whaps Michelle in the head. –WHOMP!-

Michelle wakes up, she slaps Tony.

Tony: OW! What did you do that for?!

Michelle: Because you threw your stupid volleyball at me!

Tony: Hey, leave Wilson out of this!

Michelle gives Tony a strange look then lies back down.

Meanwhile……

Everyone has passed out at CTU from Chloe's Explosive Gas Sandwich. She is face down on her desk, drooling on her keyboard….yeesh…..

-CHLOE'S DREAM-

The audience starts to clap.

Chloe: Hi and welcome to 'Chloe!', America's favorite talk show. If you don't want to watch; whatever, I wasn't trying to impress you anyway.

The audience claps.

Chloe: Could you people not clap, it's giving me a headache.

Silence….

Chloe: Great. Now anyway our first guest is a woman scorned that she lost her man to some floozy. Everyone welcome _Kate Warner_…

The audience claps as Kate Warner walks on stage and sits in one of the chairs.

Kate: Hello, Chloe.

Chloe: Now Kate, tell us what's wrong. I really don't care, but I need the paycheck…..

Kate: Well, Chloe, it all started when….

Chloe: Too long, shorten it up a bit.

Kate: Well, 33 months ago….

Chloe: Shorter.

Kate: Last Christmas…

Chloe: Shorter.

Kate: Last month…..

Chloe: Keep shortening…

Kate: The day before yesterday…

Chloe: Oh, what happened?

Kate: Well, I was really sad that things ended with my boyfriend Jack Bauer.

Chloe: Kate, that happened a long time ago. Why are you telling us now?

Kate: Well, you wouldn't let me tell you the entire story….

Chloe: Interesting….go on.

Kate: Well, I saw him canoodling with his new hussy, _The daughter of Secretary Of Defense James Heller!_

Chloe: _Jack left you for James Heller!?_

Kate: No, his daughter, Audrey Raines.

Chloe: Oh……..

Kate: I loved Jack, and I think this Audrey is…….

Chloe: Bear in mind if you say 'Witch' I will have you killed.

Kate: Uh…..evil?

Chloe: There you go.

Kate: Well, I know if I can confront him today to show him how much I care, maybe there will be a chance still….

Chloe: Talk about wishful thinking…

Kate: HEY!

Chloe: We'll talk with Jack and his hussy friend….after this message…..

The audience cheers….

Chloe: Ugh……clapping…..

BANANAS!

Chloe: Wow _what a worthless message_….Welcome back to 'Chloe!' we were talking to Kate Warner about her eating disorder….

Kate: What?! That's not why I'm here!

Chloe: But first, let's bring out her crappy ex-boyfriend, and his crappy new toy, Jack Bauer and Audrey Raines.

The audience boos as Jack and Audrey walk to their seats.

Chloe: Now Jack, your ex, Kate, is distraught over the fact that you left her for some floozy.

Audrey: Um, I'm right here…….

Chloe: Any comments?

Jack: Kate, we ended our relationship right before season 3 started. It's over, get a life!

Audience: BOO!

Chloe: Could you guys stop making noise….ugh…..

Kate: Jack, I loved you, you are my world!

Chloe: Oh barf…..Audrey, you are being accused of stealing Kate's 'man', what do you have to say to that?

Audrey: Well, heh, I just think Jack wanted to stop playing with little girls, _and find himself a real woman!_

Audience goes nuts.

Chloe: Shut up…..so Jack, _Audrey just called you a pedophile._ Any response to that….

Jack: GAH!

Audrey: WHAT!? No, that's not what I meant……

Kate: See! She's a manipulative skank!

Audrey: I'm getting sick of your mouth!

Chloe: Girls, girls. There's no need to result to violence…..(Makes a hand gesture to one of the stage hands, who runs up to place a couple of baseball bats on stage).

Kate: You'll pay for ruining what we had!

Kate grabs a baseball bat and swings at Audrey.

Audrey: AAAHHH! What the hell is wrong with you!?

Jack: Man, this always happens……I'm cursed…..

Chloe: Yeah, _that's it_. We'll be back with our next guests, after this Public Service Announcement.

-Commercials!-

Nadia: Don't do drugs!

Morris: Yes, dahling. They are very bad….

Morris takes a puff of his cigarette then takes a drink of scotch.

Morris: _Oh yeah, that's the stuff_….my life has just temporarily gotten better! Nothing can ruin my day now!

Nadia: Morris!? You can't do that on an anti-drug and alcohol PSA. That's hypocritical!

Morris: You're point….-PUFF! SWIG!-

Nadia: Ugh….

Chloe: You're watching 'Chloe!' our next guest is a former first lady, _whose nuts_! She is also concerned about her husband's involvement with the terrorists! Let's welcome _Martha Logan!_

Martha Logan walks on stage and takes a seat, the audience claps.

Chloe: Hello, Mrs. Logan, thanks for coming on the show.

Martha: Hi, Chloe. I just want to….

Chloe: We'll be right back after these messages…

Martha: Uh…..

-Commercials!-

Audrey: Hey, is that yogurt!?

Karen: It sure is.

Audrey: I better have some too! I'm getting married in 5 minutes….

Karen: Oooh, I hate to be in _your shoes_.

Audrey: Tell me about it, they're waaay to tight.

Karen and Audrey laugh hysterically.

Karen: Heh….heh……_Why am I friends with you again?_

Chloe: Welcome back to 'Chloe!' our guest Martha Logan is about to tell us all about her estranged marriage to former president Charles Logan…..

Martha: Thank you. I….

Chloe: We'll find out more….._after this!_

Martha: -Sigh-….

-Commercials!-

Tony: You ready to go out on our date?

Michelle: I sure am!

Tony: You're going to be excited to get in my car.

Michelle: Why is that?

Tony: I got myself a new air freshener.

Michelle: Uh, ok….

Tony and Michelle get in the car, Michelle starts to choke.

Michelle: -Cough- -Cough- Oh my god, what is that horrible smell?!

Tony: My air freshener.

Michelle: It smells like rotten fish!

Tony: Well yeah, _Long John Silver's_ made it.

Michelle: You got a Long John Silver's fish air freshener.

Tony: Yup!

Michelle: You….are….an…idiot…..

Chloe: Welcome back to 'Chloe!', we're here with Martha Logan….

Martha: -Groan-….

Chloe: Whose husband is out of control, let's find out….

Martha: …..

Chloe: …..

Martha: ….

Chloe: …go on…

Martha: Thank you…..I…

Chloe: …_and watch this word from our sponsor!_

Martha: Son of a….

Chloe: Oh wait, that was it. You can continue, Martha….

Martha: Are you sure?!

Chloe: Yes!

Martha: Well, Chloe my husband is out of control. He was really sweet when we got married….

Chloe: Which was eons ago…

Martha: grr…..anyway, something's happened to him, and now has devoted his life to terrorism.

Chloe: Whatever. Let's meet this schmuck. Charles Logan, come on down.

The audience boos.

Logan sits next to his wife.

Chloe: Now Charles, may I call you Charles?

Logan: Um…..sure…

Chloe: So Bob, why did you join the ranks of national terrorist? Can't you see it's tearing your wife apart?

Logan: It's more complicated than that! You wouldn't understand.

Chloe: Let's get some input from the audience. Yes, you…..

Shamalika: Girl, you need to ditch that looser, and get yourself a _winner_! A real man! Someone who can give you the ruhspect and attention you, a real woman, deserves! Am I right yall!?

The audience goes nuts, Chloe wretches.

Chloe: Oh brother…

Audience member: You go, girl!

Chloe: _Who said that?!_ I will not have any of that on my show!

Other audience member: Yeah, tell him, girlfriend.

Chloe pulls out a gun.

Chloe: _Next person to tell it how it is gets shot_!

The audience remains quiet…..

Chloe: Well that's all for today's show….

Martha: WHAT!? We didn't even get to say anything…

Chloe: On tomorrow's show, Somebody's pregnant, Somebody's the father, and there's a talk show host that couldn't care less. See you then!

Martha: This is ridiculous!

The audience cheers.

Chloe: I really need to stop having studio audiences.

Join us for tomorrow's show….

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: So…._Lambchop_, you're pregnant and one of these men could be the father.

Lambchop the sock puppet is joined on stage by Doyle, Morris, and Milo.

Lambchop: That's true. One of these men is definitely my baby's daddy!

Chloe: I have the test results…..in my hand…..

The audience gasps.

Chloe: _Who the hell let you people back in?!_

Then on Friday's show….

Chloe talks to a man in his 50's who is suffering from extreme delusions.

Chloe: So, _Mr. Van Pelt_, you say this happens _every Halloween?_

Linus: Yes, Chloe. _The Great Pumpkin_ comes by every year on Halloween night and showers kids with candy!

Chloe: Sounds like a load of crap…..

Linus: We'll it's not.

Chloe: I mean, _your sister's a psychiatrist. _You should consider visiting her…..you know….because you're nuts….

That's tomorrow….

Chloe lifts her head up from her keyboard, which has made a ton of key impressions on her face.

Chloe: Oh…..my head……stupid sandwich…..

Chloe gets up from her desk and attempts to walk towards Morris' desk, tripping over Karen's body in the process. –TRIP!-

Chloe: OOF! –CRASH!-

-KAREN'S DREAM-

Karen walks inside her home.

Karen is looking around a candy store.

Karen: Ho hum, I sure do hate being poor….

Karen looks up at the TV; A News reporter is talking about something with a picture of Bill shown on the screen.

Reporter: And in today's news, famous candy maker _Billy Wonker_ is giving a once in a lifetime chance to 5 lucky children to explore his factory and have the chance to win a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Karen: -Gasp- I love chocolate! And I'm a kid….sort of….

Reporter: In order to win, there are 5 golden tickets spread across the globe, if you find it, you will be invited to tour Billy Wonker's Chocolate Factory.

Karen: Yes!

Karen runs up to the counter.

Karen: One _Wonker Bar please!_

Clerk: That'll be a nickel….

Karen: Oh crap, forgot about that….hold on…..

Karen runs outside and tackles a newspaper boy standing on the side of the road.

Karen: Sorry, I need this.

Karen takes a nickel and runs back inside.

Karen: One bar please!

The clerk hands her a bar of Wonker Chocolate. Karen opens it, no ticket, she takes a bite.

Karen: Ew! This chocolate is old! Can I get a different one?

Clerk: Sure.

The clerk hands her another bar, no ticket.

Karen: I see a nut in this one, I'm allergic, another one please.

After 17 bars of chocolate.

Karen: I've got the golden ticket! I must tell my family!

Karen runs home. She burst through the door.

Karen: Mom, Grandpa, Aunt Bessie, Cousin Joe, Uncle Cliff, Stepfather Andy, Sister Agnes, 4th Stepcousin twice removed Bob, I've WON! I've won a golden ticket to tour Billy Wonker's chocolate factory! YAY!

Woman: Who are you?

Karen: Oh yeah, I don't know any of you people. Must have the wrong house….oh well, I have a factory to tour, suckers!

Karen runs off.

At Billy Wonker's factory, everyone has lined up to celebrate the event.

Karen, Milo (who's pigging out on chocolate), Kim (a spoiled brat), Audrey (Who's smacking her gum), and Jack (who's obsessed with television) stand before the entrance. Bill walks out, the crowd goes wild.

Bill: Aren't you people a little old to be children?

The group: …..no.

Bill: Oh good, come on in then.

Everyone runs in. Billy Wonker takes them down a hallway. At the end of the corridor, he opens the door which leads to a gigantic room filled with chocolate rivers and all sorts of crap that is edible.

Bill: I'm going to sing a song…..-ahem-

The 'kids' take off running.

Bill: HEY! I was about to sing, dammit!

Karen eats some of the candy grass; Milo is over by the chocolate river, scooping it up with his hands into his mouth.

Bill: Could you not do that, I don't know where your hands have been.

Milo: But….-slurp!-….I love chocolate!...-slurp!-

Bill walks over and nudges Milo with his foot, pushing him into the chocolate river. –SPLASH!-

Milo: ACK!...mmm….chocolate…..

Audrey: Look, he's about to go up in that tube!

-SWOOP!-

Bill: Oh well, better call out the Loompa Ooompa's

Kim: The what?!

Chloe walks out to the group covered in orange paint and sporting a green wig.

Jack: Oh god, _you look ridiculous!_ HA! HA! HA!

Chloe: I hate you all.

Bill toots on a whistle.

Chloe: What?

Bill: Sing a song.

Chloe: WHAT?!

Bill: Sing a song in relevance to the fat kid getting sucked up in the tube.

Chloe: I'm not your slave!

She walks off.

Bill: Hmm….okay, let's move on.

The walk down another hallway, entering an invention room.

Bill: I've created all sorts of crap here!

Audrey: Ooooh, I want to try _this!_

She picks up a piece of gum and pops it in her mouth.

Bill: Uh……I wouldn't….oh who cares?

Audrey: Wow……it's like a ton of meals in one! I taste……_a breakfast burrito_…….._a ham sandwich_……now I'm eating dinner, _roast beef and baked potato!_...mmm, now it's desert! Wow…..blueberry pie!...oh, I don't feel so good.

Audrey starts to swell up and turn blue.

Kim: Uh……

Audrey: What's happening?!

Audrey swells up into a giant blueberry.

Bill: Well, crap. Oh Loompa Ooompa!

Chloe approaches the group.

Chloe: What?

Bill: This stupid girl turned herself into a giant blueberry; send her down to the 4th floor to be squeezed…..

Chloe: I'll do better than that.

Chloe takes out a needle and pokes Audrey, who _explodes!_ Blueberry juice goes flying everywhere. –POP! SPLASH!-

Jack: Ugh….

Bill: Oh my…..

Kim: That's gross!

Bill: Moving on…..

They enter another room.

Bill: This is the squirrel room, there are squirrels in here.

Kim: I want a squirrel!

Bill: _Get bent!_

Kim: I said, I want a squirrel!

Bill: Uh, no!

Kim: I WANT A SQUIRREL!!!!!

Bill: NO!

Kim: AAAAAHHHHH!

Kim falls to the floor in a tantrum.

Kim: _I WANT ONE! I WANT A SQUIRREL NOW!!! NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!_

Bill pushes Kim over the railing into the squirrel pit. –SPLAT!-

Kim: ACK!

An army of squirrels come out and they pounce on Kim, eating her. –MUNCH! MUNCH!-

Karen and Jack grimace.

Bill: Hmm, don't remember that happening. Moving on….

They enter the television room.

Jack: Allright!

Jack plops on the couch and turns on the tv to _The Golden Girls_.

Jack (singing): _Thank you for being a friend_…..

Bill turns off the tv. –CLICK!-

Jack: HEY!

Bill: This way……Now this invention is really cool. I can use molecular crap to teleport chocolate inside people's televisions!

Jack: I want to try it!

Jack hops on the teleporter.

Bill: Oh good grief…

-ZAP!-

Jack appears on the television with _The Golden Girls!_

Jack: ACK!

Karen: Are you going to get him out?

Bill: Normally I would've, but he's fine in there….

Jack: HELP!

Bill: Well, congratulations! You won!

Karen: YAY!

Bill: Quick, to my glass elevator!

Bill and Karen run to the elevator. Bill presses a button and the car flies upward, through the roof of the factory. The glass elevator flies in the air.

Karen: Wow! This is wonderful! How do you land?

Bill: Land?

Karen: Uh…yeah. Land?

Bill: …….

Karen: We're going to crash, aren't we?

Bill: ………yes.

Karen: Oh……hmm……

The glass elevator hits the ground and shatters into a million pieces. –CRASH!-

Karen wakes up in the middle of the CTU main hall of operations.

Karen: That was the best dream I have ever had.

Chloe is at Morris' desk, she tries to poke him with a ruler. –POKE! POKE!-

Chloe: Morris! Wake up, you lazy oaf! Geez….

Chloe looks up at the fax machine.

Chloe: What's this?

She reads the fax saying that it's from Audrey and giving an address to where she's located.

Chloe: I have to tell Jack.

She turns around and trips over Morris' body. –WHOMP!-

Chloe: Ow…..dammit….

-MORRIS' DREAM-

Playing 'The Brady Bunch Theme'……

_Here's the story, of a girl named Chloe  
Who had 3 very unfortunate looking girls_…

Chloe: How rude….

_They all had hair of dirt, like their mother  
and the personality of a bag of sand_….

Chloe: HEY!

_Here's the story, of a man named Morris  
who had 3 ugly children of his own_…

Morris: I resent that remark…

_They were four men, living all together  
and Morris drinks way too much_….

Morris: I do not!

_Till the one day when the lady met this fellow.  
Then they got married then broke up, and then he started selling women's shoes.  
Then they were working at CTU, then he built a bomb for Abu Fayed  
because he used a power drill on Morris shoulder, then Chloe made a nasty remark about it  
and then they broke up again  
and now Chloe realized she's pregnant,  
and now they're back together again  
and that's the way they all became 'The O'Brian Bunch'!  
'The O'Brian Bunch!' 'The O'Brian Bunch'!  
That's the way they became 'The O'Brian Bunch!'_

With Karen Hayes….as Alice!

Morris comes home from work.

Morris: Guess what kids, _we're going to Sears!_

Children: YAY!

Morris wakes up to Chloe strangling him.

Morris: URK!

Chloe: Morris, I will kill you if you _keep dreaming about us having 9 kids_, and Karen as our live in maid!

Morris: Dahling, how did you know I was dreaming about that?

Chloe: You were singing that stupid theme song in your sleep!

Morris: Oh….

Chloe: Morris, look at this.

Morris: Oh right, I saw that right before I went to sleep.

Chloe: We have to get a hold of Jack.

Chloe gets on the phone.

Jack: Mr. Bauer's _house of love! This is the king speaking!_

Chloe: WHAT!??

Jack: Oh god, Chloe! Uh…..what's goin on?

Chloe: Uh…..Jack, we know where Audrey is!

Jack: Really!?

Chloe: She sent us a fax from this address, 224477 Maple Hill Blvd. I think she sent it from an office building.

Jack: Okay, I'm surrounded by baby crap at the moment.

Chloe: Excuse me?

Jack: But I'll be there as soon as I can, I'll call you back so I can get the layout of the building. –Click-

Chloe: Hmm. I wonder if Sherry is asleep too.

Chloe and Morris walk across the floor and up the stairs to the 2nd floor glass office, stepping over the bodies of Nadia and Milo.

-MILO'S DREAM-

Milo walks into CTU.

Everybody: Good morning, Milo!

Milo: Hi everyone!

Milo walks up the stairs to the 2nd floor glass office, and into _Director Nadia Yassir's office._

Nadia: Oh Milo! I'm……glad you're here!

Milo: Really?

Nadia: Yes, Milo……I've longed for you!

Milo: I know….

Nadia: Milo! I can't stop thinking about you…..let's forget about stopping terrorists and run away together!

Milo: Okay!

They walk outside where Chloe is standing.

Chloe: Milo, _CTU's smartest and sexiest field agent_, we have a situation.

Milo: It can wait Chloe!

They run downstairs.

Jack: Milo, I, Jack Bauer, the humble nerdy computer tech, just found something interesting.

Milo: I don't care!

Milo takes a handful of _Skittles_ and throws them in Jack's face.

Jack: ACK!

Milo picks up Nadia and starts to carry her out of CTU. Everybody claps.

Chloe kicks Milo in the head. –WHAP!-

Milo: oh…….man….damn you Chloe!

Milo looks up the stairs.

Milo: Man, I don't want to climb those, I'm too tired.

-NADIA'S DREAM-

Nadia is relaxing on a tropical island.

Nadia: Ahhh, this is the life.

Fabio: Hello, Nadia, my love. Would you like some '_I can't believe it's not butter?_'

Nadia: No, I'm allergic to butter. I'll take a _Mai Tai though_….and some crackers….and make it snappy.

Fabio: Yes, my love!

Fabio runs off. Milo plops down next to Nadia.

Nadia: _Oh crap a kangaroo_! Milo, why are you in my dream?! _Go play in the shark infested ocean!_

Milo: I'm tired of doing that. I've come to rescue you, _my sweet baboo!_

Nadia: Don't ever call me that again. Seriously Milo, I'm trying to relax. Go home……

Milo: Actually, _I wanted to ask if you'll marry me…_

Nadia: WHA..WHA…WHAT!?

Milo: I said, '_Will you_…..

Wilson the volleyball whaps Nadia in the face. –BONK!-

Nadia jolts up out of her sleep.

Nadia: That was weird……too weird…..

She turns to see Milo lying next to her on the stairs.

Milo: Nadia, did you hear me?

Nadia: Huh?

Milo: I asked you _if you'd carry me_. Up the stairs, I don't feel like walking.

Nadia: Ugh….

Nadia stands, proceeding up the stairs.

Milo: Ah crap….oh well; guess I'll just lay here.

Chloe and Morris walk into the 2nd floor glass office, Sherry gets up off the floor.

Sherry: Hey, what happened?

Morris: Chloe made everyone pass out.

Chloe: What!? No I didn't! My sandwich was….rigged!

Sherry: Either way, we need to get back to work. Chloe, did you get a hold of Jack?

Chloe: I don't really _want to know where he is_…

Sherry: Well, try to get his exact location so we can send backup.

Everyone leaves the office and proceeds downstairs. Chloe trips over Milo's body. –THUD!-

Chloe: ow….

Sherry: Milo, Morris, get Kim Bauer and her dog off the floor and put them in the medical room so they can rest….

Baxter (mumbling): ….im…..not….a….dog…….

-BAXTER'S DREAM-

A few years ago, Baxter was walking through the forest, enjoying Cougar life. Suddenly, a hunter shoots Baxter with a tranquilizer and drags him to his truck. He drives off…..

Later….

Baxter is chained out in a backyard somewhere. _Billy the Psycho kid comes out_.

Billy: Now listen here, dog! You're going to be a good dog while I'm having my party!

Baxter: I'm not a dog….

Billy: And stop that talking thing…….hmm….wait a minute; that gives me an idea.

At Billy's birthday party.

Billy and his friends are surrounding Baxter.

Billy: Go on, talk!

Baxter: ……

Billy: This stupid dog can talk.

Susie: Billy, I just think you're crazy.

Billy: Talk you stupid dog!

Baxter: ……

Randy: Let's go back in and eat cake!

The kids run back inside.

Billy: You made me look like an idiot!

Baxter: _Well, it wasn't that hard…_

Billy: GRR! No dinner for you, you stupid dog….

Billy walks back inside. Baxter lies down and goes to sleep.

Earlier today…..

Mother: Billy, aren't you going to play with your dog?

Baxter: I'm not a dog….

Billy: I don't need that stupid dog, I hate him! _I have a federal agent I can play with now!_

Baxter: Oh screw this!

Baxter yanks continuously on his chain until it breaks from the post. –SNAP!-

Baxter: Freedom! Now I can get back home and finish the dinner I was cooking…

Baxter runs and leaps over the fence.

Billy: Mom, _have you seen my 'Full House' DVD's?!_

Baxter lifts up, awake, and shakes his head.

Baxter: God, I hated that kid.

Chloe: Oh good, you're awake.

Baxter: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, if you want us to take you back to the forest or whatever, we can do that.

Baxter: Oh…..um, I don't care.

Chloe: Or you can stay, I don't care either.

Chloe starts to walk again, tripping over Kim's body. –SLAM!-

Chloe: That's starting to make me mad….

-KIM'S DREAM-

When evil strikes the city. Only one courageous woman can stop the forces of evil.

Singers: _IT'S AWESOME GIRL! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!_

Kim and Baxter run into The First National Bank of Los Angeles, wearing their superhero tights.

Baxter: These are not very comfortable.

Kim: Look, _The Sticky Finger Bandit is about to strike!_

Milo the bandit is at a bank teller.

Milo: Money! Now! MWA, HA! HA!

Kim: Not so fast, evildoer!

Milo: Oh no! It's _Awesome Girl!_ Take this!

Milo throws a stapler at Kim. She dodges it.

Milo: Crap!

Kim takes a breath and blows ice breath on Milo, freezing him.

Baxter: You did it, Awesome Girl!

Kim: I know!

_AWESOME GIRL!!!!! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!_

Jack: Help! Someone stole my _man purse!_

Morris the thug runs down a boardwalk on the beach. Kim and Baxter stand in his way.

Morris: Bloody hell, it's Awesome Girl!

Kim: That's me!

Kim encases Morris in a big block of ice using her icy breath.

Baxter: Is that all you know how to do?!

Kim: Uh…..let's go!

_AWESOME GIRL!!!! And her sidekick DANGER CAT!!!_

Audrey: Someone took my baby!!!!!

Nadia runs down a back alley holding Audrey's _Cabbage Patch Doll_. Kim and Baxter land in front of her.

Nadia: Oh nuts! It's Awesome Girl!

Kim: That's me!

Kim freezes Nadia using her icy breath!

Baxter: Good lord, get a new power for cryin out loud!

Kim: What?

Baxter: And what is my superpower?

Kim: Uh…..you're my sidekick?

Baxter: That's all!?

Kim: Hey, it's my dream, selfish.

_IT'S AWESOME GIRL!!!! And her sidekick DANGER DOG!!!!_

Baxter: I'm not a dog, idiot!

Kim: Up, Up, and Away!

Kim jumps up then falls back to the ground. –CRASH!-

Baxter: Yeesh…..

Kim wakes up in a medical room at CTU.

Kim: Where……where am I?

Chloe: You're in the medical department place. So you can rest…..

Kim: Oh…..have you heard from my dad?

Chloe: He's in deep crap….

Kim: Yeah, he usually is…..

The gassy fumes get ventilated out of CTU, everybody starts to wake up. The guard proceeds to take Charles Logan to a holding cell.

Logan: What a nice dream. I dreamt that I conquered the world.

Guard: Yea, yea, of course you did.

Logan: Hmph……

Meanwhile, Audrey was tied to a chair again, passed out when Rolando Callahan drugged her.

Audrey: (Loud Snoring)

-AUDREY'S DREAM-

Audrey: Ah, I love being rich and engaged!

Doyle: Yes, it is nice, my dear….

Rich bastards Audrey and Doyle are about to get married, but before that they want to sail on the maiden voyage of the mega cruise liner, _Titanic_.

Doyle: Let us go aboard and do rich people things!

Audrey: Yes…..

They get on board. Meanwhile, Jack and his vagabond friends Morris and Tony….

Tony: We resent that remark!

Morris: Seriously, dahling.

…are about to stowaway on the massive vessel.

Jack: Sounds good to me! Let's roll.

Jack and his friends get on board.

Jack: Okay, let's mingle.

All of the lower class folk gather in the Class F or whatever ballroom where they can dance.

Milo: We don't care about those upper class peoples and they're money! Let's do a jig!

They all start dancing. Upstairs…

Doyle: Yes, being rich is wonderful! I just love money….

Audrey: I'm bored….later….

Audrey wanders downstairs to the F class ballroom and wine cellar…or whatever.

Audrey: Hi!

Jack: Hello?

Audrey: Want to dance!?

Jack: Sure, hey later, _can I draw naked pictures of you?_

Audrey: Well, we just met, so _I don't see why not_…..

They dance and spin around then go upstairs.

Audrey: Okay, so you are going to 'paint your picture' right?

Jack: Yes, I'm a skilled artist.

Audrey: Okay!

Director: CUT! Okay, Audrey off the stage…_Send in the 'Stunt Butt'!_

Another woman comes in to pose naked while Audrey grabs a bagel.

Director: Okay, done. Audrey, get back in there.

Jack: That was fun; do you want to go make love in that steamy room over there?

Audrey: Oh, why not?

Meanwhile….

Morris: Man, I'm bored! _Where the hell is he?!_

Tony: Yeah, he was supposed to grab us a drink….jerk….

Later, Jack and Audrey are on the front of the boat.

Audrey: Wow, this is so romantic? And as a reminder, _don't push me off like you did last time!_

Jack: I don't know what you're talking about. (Nervous laugh).

Later, Audrey went to brag to her friends.

Audrey: I met this guy in lower class, we danced, and he drew a picture of me naked!...well, using a _stunt butt_ of course.

Nadia: I don't know, Audrey. You just 'met' the guy.

Chloe: Seriously, dahling…._DAHLING!?_ What the hell…..

Chloe whips out her script, flipping through a few pages….

Chloe: Okay, what moron has me talking like _Morris?!_ I will rain down fiery death upon them! (Shaking her fist)

Doyle approaches Audrey at the dinner table.

Doyle: Audrey, are you cheating on me?

Audrey: Uh……no?

Doyle: Really…..?

Doyle puts a laptop on the table, pulling up _EBAY._

Doyle: Then where did this '_Naked Picture Of Audrey Painted By Jack While We Were On The Titanic_' portrait come from!?

Audrey: _He's selling that?! _What a jerk….wait, Doyle, _it's the 1940's_, where the hell did you get this?!

Doyle: Nevermind that, I'm going to have to kill this….Jack!

He storms off….

Later, Morris and Tony are standing on the deck. Tony finishing his 'Big Gulp' drink, he throws it over the side.

Morris: AHH! Dahling, what did you do that for?! You can't litter!

Tony: Chill, officer, it's just water.

Bill, the captain, is….captaining…

Bill: Heave ho!

One of the crew members runs in.

Crew Member: Captain! There's a _Big Gulp cup _straight ahead!

Bill: Oh hell, turn the ship!

The ship turns just in time to dodge the cup, and then hits an iceberg. –CRASH!-

Bill: Crap…..

The ship starts to sink….Jack runs downstairs to get Audrey.

Audrey: Jack, what are we going to do!?

Jack: Hop on!

Jack pulls out his _Rocket Pack!_ Him and Audrey fly away to safety.

The End.

Audrey wakes up, still tied to her chair.

Audrey: Well, that dream turned out alright….

Back at CTU, Chloe, Morris and the others were watching 'Audrey's Dream' on Morris' portable television.

Nadia: ….yeah; _that was crap_.

Milo: I've seen Titanic, and that whole charade was like, _10 _accurate!

Morris: Definitely full of herself.

Chloe: Remind me to kill her when she comes back…..

Back at the Safe House, Bill is out in his car passed out to _the sounds of Enya_.

Bill: ZZZZZ….so soothing…..zzzzzzz

-BILL'S DREAM-

Bill (narrating): It's 1947, in the rough city of….who cares what city it is? My name is Bill….._Bill Buchanan_. And I'm a detective. It was a dark and stormy night on the stormy night of Sunday, February 12th. I got a call about a murder of some rich billionaire at 4040 Maple Street Road Blvd. I was on the case, mainly because I haven't eaten dinner yet. A detective's got to keep his strength up too, you know.

Bill walks up and rings the doorbell. Karen, the Maid, answers.

Karen: Oh, I see _I'm a maid again_. Oh well, guess I can't escape it. Welcome sir. I see….

Bill: I'm from the Buchanan Detective Agency. I'm here about…..the murder…..

Karen: Oh swell, come on in, detective.

Bill enters and takes off his coat.

Karen: Dinner is almost served, please take a seat.

Bill: I'm not here to….oh wait, yes I am. Okay!

Bill walks into the dining room where he meets the other guests.

Baxter (wearing a plum colored suit): Hello, friend, I'm Baxter Prunejuice, Professor at the Liberal Arts Academy of….Fine Arts.

Chloe (wearing a blue dress): Chloe _TurkeyBurger_, I am a news reporter, I'm sure you've heard of me.

Bill: No….

Tony (In a green suit): Anthony Gangrene, I'm an insurance salesman.

Michelle (Red Dress): Harlot…._Michelle Harlot_….I'm a private dancer.

Jack walks in wearing a Mustard Colored suit.

Jack: General Mayonnaise, it is an honor, sir.

Bill: And what do you do?

Jack: ….I'm…..a general?

Bill: Oh.

Karen: Dinner is served!

Karen and a few of the cooks bring out bags of _McDonalds Happy Meals._

Bill: Sweet…..

Then _Charles and Martha Logan enter_.

Karen: Hello, master.

Bill chokes on his McNugget.

Bill: Aren't you supposed to be dead?!

Logan: Of course not, ha! Ha! What gave you that idea?

Bill: I was called here…..

The guests: _We were called here too_.

Bill: Hmm.

Logan: Well, let's eat.

Later, after eating, the group joins up in the lounge.

Logan: Okay, I'm about to show slides from me and Martha's trip to _Dollywood_.

Guests: -Groan-

Logan: Okay, let's start the show.

The lights shut off for a brief moment before coming back on. Charles Logan is on the floor….dead! DUHN DUHN DUUUUHN!

Tony: AIEEEEK!

Bill: Oh right, that's why I came here.

Martha: Oh no! Charles!

Bill: What's wrong, Martha? You don't sound so surprised….DO YOU!?

Martha: I would never kill me husband…..today……

Bill: Really?! He never listened to you when you swore that the telephone conversation between you and David Palmer back in season 5 actually took place, and he thought you were coo coo, and _threatened to take you back to the home!_ Sounds like a motive….does it not!

The other guests agree.

The lights go back off, and then flicker back on with Martha on the floor, dead! DUHN DUHN DUUUUUHN!

Bill: Hmm, blows that theory all to hell. Well it's a good thing I know who the real killer is!

Everyone: You do!?

Bill: Yes, join me in the lounge everyone!

Chloe: We're in the lounge.

Bill: Oh, then I'll go ahead and point out that it was none other than Charles Logan's Private Dancer, the girl who left him for someone worth more….Miss Harlot!

Michelle: I didn't do it!

Bill: Prove it!

Lights off…..Lights on!

Michelle is on the floor, dead. DUHN DUHN…

Chloe: That's getting annoying…

Bill: Well, I know it had to be……The Gardener.

In the conservatory….

Milo: Hi friends!

Bill: You kill Charles Logan because he wasn't paying you enough to support your wife and 11 children.

Milo: How did you know that?

Bill: Angry, you killed Charles Logan, then Martha Logan so he would get his money from the will, and then Miss Harlot….just to throw us off.

Milo: Uh….

Lights off, Lights on. Milo dead.

Bill: Dammit.

15 minutes later…..

Bill: Ok. Mr. and Mrs. Logan, Miss Harlot, Milo the Gardener, Morris the cook, Mr. Gangrene, and General Mayonnaise are now dead. That leaves Mrs. Turkeyburger, Professor Prunejuice, and the Maid.

Lights off, Lights on. Everyone else is dead besides Karen, the maid.

Bill: Karen!? It was you!?

Karen: Yeah.

Bill: But why?!

Karen: They're pigs! They're extremely messy, and most of them don't wash their hands when they use the restroom.

Bill: Hmm….I see your point.

Karen: Yeah.

Bill: Well, with everyone dead and all….._you want to go grab some breakfast or something_….?

Karen: I'd love to.

Bill and Karen step over the dead bodies in the lounge and leave the mansion.

Bill: It feels like something is missing….

Wilson the volleyball flies out of nowhere and smacks Bill in the face. –WHAP!-

Bill jerks up from the steering wheel in his car.

Bill: What am I doing here?

Bill looks at the Safehouse.

Bill: Oh right……

Bill gets out of the car, walking into the house to see Doyle, Tom, and Noah watching TV.

Bill: Hey guys.

Doyle: So what did you guys dream about? You know, since we didn't get any focus on what we were dreaming about.

Tom: I was president.

Noah: I wasn't president.

Doyle: Fabio kept bugging me to try his stupid 'I can't believe it's not butter'……

They sit there for a second.

Doyle: Yeah, maybe it was better that we didn't.

Bill: So, what's the plan?

Noah: We'll we would like to be escorted to the airport so we can get back to Washington D.C.

Doyle: Sounds good.

Doyle stands up as a crashing sound is heard. –CRASH!-

Doyle: What the?

Doyle draws his gun, he slowly strafes into the kitchen where 5 gunmen where waiting, they open fire.

Doyle: YIKES!

Doyle dives back into the room.

Doyle: Out the back door!

They start to run when more hitmen show up at the back, they have no choice but to go upstairs.

Tom: What are we going to do up here?! We're sitting ducks, you can't shoot them all.

Doyle: I don't know, let's keep moving.

They run down the hall as the screen splits down at 10:55:55. Bill, Tom, Noah, and Doyle take refuge in a bedroom. / Audrey drinks a cup of _Folgers Coffee_ / Logan is sitting in a holding cell / Kim and Baxter eat onion rings in the CTU cafeteria / Chloe and Morris are working at their computers / Nadia, Milo, Sherry, and Karen are discussing something / The diaper van pulls into an office's parking lot.

The driver gets out of the diaper van, Jack sneaks up behind him.

Jack: Judo Chop! –SNAP!-

The driver falls to the ground.

Jack: Allright, gang….

Tony and Michelle pile out of the van as well.

Michelle: God, I need a shower.

Jack: Let's finish this.

Tony: Yay!

Jack, Tony, and Michelle proceed toward the office complex.

Back at CTU.

Milo: Yeah, Karen wants to head back to D.C to get things back in order with Homeland Security. I'm going to drive her to the airport.

Karen: Cause I'm important like that.

Nadia: Okay, we'll see you when you get back.

Milo: Allright, you ready?

Karen: Yuppers!

Milo and Karen walk out of the building.

Chloe walks up to Sherry and Nadia.

Chloe: I went ahead and sent backup to the address I gave Jack. This is possibly the place Rolando is holding Audrey hostage.

Sherry: Good….

Nadia: Oh, Milo forgot his phone. Hmm….

Nadia picks up Milo's cell phone and leaves the building.

Chloe walks back to her desk to find a very _indecent picture of Morris_ put on as her Windows desktop wallpaper.

Chloe: ACK!..._Morris!_ Did you do this!?

Morris: Guilty, dahling!

Chloe: Quit trying to get me fired and get back to work, ugh!

Nadia exits CTU and walks out in the middle of the parking lot, she spots Milo's car.

Nadia: Milo!...Milo, you forgot your….

Somebody comes up behind Nadia and grabs her, clamping her mouth shut.

Nadia: errrph!

The assailant walks Nadia to Milo's car, opening the back door to get in.

Milo: Huh!? Oh, hey Nadia….who's that with you?

Milo adjusts his rear view mirror to see _Mandy _holding a gun to Nadia's head.

Milo: Oh crackers……

Karen: Hey, I know you! You were that weird girl back at that prison thing!

Nadia: Start driving, make any attempt to get help, and I blow her head off.

Milo sits there; shocked……..Karen puts an _Oreo_ in her mouth.

10:59:57  
10:59:58  
10:59:59  
11:00:00

Fred: Thank god that's over.

Paul: I thought it was good.

Sam: Me too.

Fred: Now how much money do we have to spend on next week's episode?

Paul: …….none!

Fred: Crap.

-LATER WHEN FILMING-

On a cardboard backdrop with the giant letters 'CTU' written on it.

Fred (Dressed as Jack): Chloe, I need the schematics on the terrorist hideout.

Paul (Dressed as Chloe): Certainly!

Sam (Dressed as Morris): Seriously, dahling!

Fred: Oh forget this…..

Fred storms off stage….

NAP TIME IS OVER! (YAY!) A NEW HOUR OF 24 CONTINUES……

-SWOOSH-

Chloe walks up to the 'Copy Room' door.

Chloe: Why is this locked?

Morris: Oh, the floor's wet.

Chloe: They locked the door just for that, please!

Chloe opens the door and gets rushed away with a gigantic wave of water. –SWOOSH!-

Chloe: AAAGH!

Morris: I told you it wasn't dry yet.

-SWOOSH-

Sherry: This operation is crucial to the lives of thousands. If we don't get that code……that many people will die.

Tony: I GOT IT!

Nadia: You did!?

Tony: I won an online raffle with 2 tickets to go see _Dora The Explorer Live!_ Wow!

Sherry and Nadia glare at Tony.

Tony: Can you believe it! Dora the freakin explorer! Man, Michelle is going to love me….

Sherry and Nadia exchange looks.

-SWOOSH-

In the office complex.

Michelle: Okay guys I think Rolando is right behind that door…..where's Jack?

Michelle and Tony turn around to see Jack sitting on top of a copy machine 'Copying Himself'.

Michelle: Jack!? What the hell are you doing!? That is so unprofessional; tell him Tony……Tony?

She looks back to see Tony standing in line.

Tony: Come on, I'm next.

Jack: Wait your turn….

Michelle: -Sigh-…..idiots…..

A BRAND NEW HOUR (WITH THE PLOT) OF 24, NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……beep…


	17. 11:00pm 'A Hostage Situation'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that jazz, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No bootleg copies of 'The Muppets Take Manhattan' were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 17

11:00pm – 12:00am 'A Hostage Situation'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Fred and Sam were drafting this week's episode. Paul walks in.

Fred: Where the hell have you been?! You're more than an hour late!

Paul: Sorry, sorry. I was introducing my mom to everyone.

Fred: Uh….your mom is here?

Paul: Yeah, it's _Bring Your Mom To Work Day, _right?

Fred: Where did you get that idea?! We don't have themed days anymore; we've lost too many writers.

Paul: Whoops….well, don't get mad….

Fred: What did you do?

Paul: I kinda……let her…..write this week's episode….

Fred slams his head on the desk. –WHAP!-

Paul: Don't worry; she used to be a writer!

Fred: And for what, may I ask?

Paul: Her Retirement Home's humor column.

Fred: Ugh…

-LATER-

Old Jack: _The following takes place between nap time and bingo…_

Old Tony on his walker walks into Jack's room.

Tony: Jack, we've got a situation. We believe terrorists are going to set off a nuclear device _at this afternoon's shuffleboard tournament_.

Jack: Dude, I'm in my 80's, give me a break! Don't they have younger people to do this thing now?!

Tony: No, Jack…..you're the only one.

Jack: Fine, I'll be there after I watch _Murder, She Wrote_……..

Jack turns on the t.v.

Jack: Oh crap, I missed it. Okay, let's go.

Jack: _The following takes place between bingo and bath time. On the day of the national shuffleboard tournament._

Jack hits a terrorist upside the head with his cane. –WHAP!-

Jack: Who are you working for!?!?! TELL ME NOW!!!

Jack's dentures fall out, hitting the floor. –CRASH!-

Terrorist: Uh….ew!

Jack: _Dats not suppose to happen? Isn't it?_

Tony shakes his head.

Fred: Come here…..

Paul: No, you're going to hit me….

Fred: ….yes…..yes I am……

Beep…..beep…..beep……beep……..bepepebpebepbepbpepbepbepbepbe……24!!!!!

Chloe: Previously on 24……..

-SWOOSH!-

Bill enters the safe house. Doyle, Noah, and Tom are watching TV.

Bill: Sorry I'm late; I feel asleep listening to Enya.

Hit men start gunning down the place. –BANG!-

Doyle: Upstairs!

They seek refuge in a bedroom.

Tom: What are we going to do now?! We're trapped!

Doyle: Uh…. (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS)

Bill: -Ahem- (AND BILL BUCHANAN)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe takes a bite out of her _mighty gas sandwich,_ everyone passes out. –POOF!-

Chloe falls face first on her keyboard. –SMACK!-

Chloe: Ow…..

Sherry: Get a hold of Jack, find out where everybody is. We have to find Rolando Callahan and stop him from whatever he is doing. I have to go wash my hair! (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Karen: I'd like to go back to Washington D.C. (KAREN HAYES)

Milo: I'll drive you to the airport.

Nadia runs into the parking lot and gets attacked by Mandy, who forces her into Milo's car.

Milo: Hello.

Mandy: Drive or she dies.

Karen: Oh no! What are we going to do!? (KAREN HAYES)

Milo: Hey! You don't get two intro squares in one recap, cheater! (THE GUY WHO IS DRIVING KAREN HAYES TO THE AIRPORT)

Milo: Ugh….

Karen eats an Oreo Cookie.

Karen: A balanced part of a nutritious breakfast! (KAREN HAYES' OREO COOKIE!)

Milo: Will you stop it already?!

-SWOOSH-

Jack gets into the back of a dirty diaper truck, which for some odd reason he keeps ending up in.

Tony and Michelle are running through the street chasing after him.

Michelle: Wait for us!

Tony: _Stop that crap-mobile! _

Jack: ACK! I stepped in something!!! (JACK BAUER)

Jack, Michelle, and Tony approach the office complex.

Jack: Let's rock and roll! I know Audrey is in here!

Karen (popping up): _And knowing is half the battle!_ (Gives a thumbs up) (KAREN HAYES)

Jack: Damn you! You're not in this scene, go away!

Tony: The following takes place between 11:00pm and 12:00am.

Jack, Tony, and Michelle hurry across the parking lot of the mysterious office complex to investigate mysterious office complex things going on. That and Rolando just might be here.

Jack: Okay, let's go in.

Michelle: Would that be wise, Jack? There could be guards.

Jack: What office building has guards?

Security Guard: Hello!

Jack: AAAAIIIIEEE!

He jumps in Michelle's arms.

Michelle: Jack…..You're….too…..heavy…..URK!

They tumble to the floor. –CLUNK!-

Tony steps up to the Security Guard.

Tony: What I think my friend is trying to say is….

Tony waves his hand in front of the guard. Jedi Style!

Tony: _These are not the droids you are looking for!_

Guard: What?

Tony: _These_…._are not the droids you are looking for!_

Tony waves his hand in front of him again.

Guard: What are you saying? _These are not the droids I am looking for?_ What?

Tony: YES!!!!! IT WORKED! _In your face, Skywalker!_

Michelle: God I hate you.

Guard: You guys are a little freaky. I'm leaving.

He walks away.

Tony: Well, Michelle, aren't I just the coolest!?

Michelle (To Jack): I really hate how it looks as if he's right but it always ends up just being luck that saves the day.

Jack: Well Michelle, _if fishes were wishes, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas!_

Michelle: I'm going alone. I'll see you two later.

Michelle gets up and walks into the complex.

11:03:12, at the safe house.

Doyle takes a peek out of the bedroom door to check if the coast is clear. Which surprisingly, it is.

Doyle: Well, that's always good.

Doyle opens the good just a little bit more before fully stepping out into the hallway.

Doyle: Okay, we're clear.

They proceed back down to the living room.

Bill: Hmm….

Doyle: Yeah, those men were trying to kill us. You would think they would come into that room, they knew we were in here.

Bill: I'm afraid I don't have any answers, Francine.

Doyle: WHAT!?

Bill: Well, now we just need to get the president on a plane so he can get back to D.C. I'm sure Jack is taking care of Rolando as we speak.

Doyle: Bill, Air Force One _just blew up_ two episodes ago. I wouldn't think the president is ready to go back on another plane.

Noah: We'll be fine.

Tom: EEP!

Noah: Yes, we do need to return to D.C. as quick as possible.

Doyle: Okay, we'll head to the airport. But first we need to watch 'Friends'!

They plop down on the couch.

Bill: Oh I love this one; this is _the one where_ _Chandler makes a sarcastic remark!_

Doyle rolls his eyes.

11:07:23, a car zooms by.

Miranda: Harold, did you remember to pick up the chocolate covered pretzels at the grocery store?

Harold: Yes, they were delicious!

Miranda: You ate them!? Those were for the party guests!

Harold: Oh well!

They both laugh……boring! Okay, in the car behind them.

Karen: Hello! And welcome back…..

Milo was driving Karen to the airport so she can get her happy butt back to Washington D.C. Well, Mandy showed up and threw a wrench in their plans.

Mandy: Hello. (Waves)

She does this by taking Nadia hostage. Now Mandy has to get to the airport so she can escape.

Karen: And I have Oreos! (KAREN HAYES OREO COOKIES!)

Milo slaps his forehead! –SLAP!-

Milo: Ow…..

Mandy: Okay, here are my demands. You drive me to the airport and then escort me on a plane. After I leave, you can go. If you try to get help, the girl dies.

Karen: Oh please! I'm too young to die!

Mandy: I'm referring to the one back here.

Karen: Oh…..whew, thank god.

Nadia: Karen!

Karen: What? Oh right……um….._you'll never get away with this!_

Mandy: I actually think that I will.

Karen: Oh screw it, I tried.

Nadia scoffs and sits back in her seat.

11:10:23, at CTU.

Chloe walks over to Morris' terminal.

Chloe: Morris, I'm a little concerned about Nadia. She's been gone for a while now.

Morris: And….

Chloe: All she had to do was run Milo his cell phone out to his car. You don't think anything happened to her, do you?

Morris: And….

Chloe: Morris, are you even listening to me?

Morris: Yea, dahling, I already took the trash out.

Chloe: What are you doing?

Chloe walks behind his desk, Morris is playing a game on the computer.

Chloe: What is that?!

Morris: It's a computer game, _Nancy Drew_, Yeesh!

Chloe: I know, Morris. You can't play that! You'll get in trouble….

Morris: Nonsense. It's quite fun actually. You see, I'm online with millions of people from around the globe!

Chloe: Good for you. You just need to get back….

Morris: It's called _Super Awesome Quest: Online!_ Hey, you should get it too! Then we can both play!

Chloe: I already have to deal with you at work; I don't think it would be any fun at all. I'm leaving.

She stops and turns back around.

Chloe: And I suggest you stop playing that thing or Sherry is going to get pissed.

Morris stops for a second.

Morris: Hey! Sherry got my invite! Now were both playing on the same team!

Sherry waves to Morris from the 2nd floor glass office. Morris waves back.

Chloe: Unbelievable! (She storms off)

Morris: You'll be back….

11:14:34. Chloe is storming back to her desk / Jack, Tony, and Michelle are sneaking down a hallway / Milo is still driving / Kim and Baxter are buying some food in the CTU cafeteria.

Kim: So, what are you going to do when this is all over?

Baxter: Hmm, I don't know. Go back home I guess.

Kim: Ah….

Baxter: You?

Kim: I don't know, I'm really good at babysitting, I'll probably do that……hmm…..maybe not…..

A piece of dust crumbles on Kim's head.

Kim: The hell?

Baxter: What's wrong?

Kim: The ceiling is falling apart.

Baxter: Nah, I'm sure it's nothing…..aw crap, there's a hair in my mashed potatoes!

Kim: Are you sure it's not yours?

Baxter: I resent that remark. I'm going to complain.

Baxter grabs his tray and walks to the lunch lady. More dust falls on Kim.

Kim: -Cough- -Cough- What the hell is that?!

Baxter comes back and sits at the table.

Baxter: Heh, heh, heh. She gave me _extra_ potatoes; I should eat here more often.

Kim: I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen.

Baxter (sarcastic): _At CTU!? Are you serious?!_

Kim: Okay, okay. I see your point. You know it probably is just my imagination.

Baxter: Hey_, that same hair is still in there_! She just….'covered' it….how rude!

11:16:02, at the office complex. Jack, Tony, and Michelle approach an elevator.

Jack: Ok.

Jack presses the 'Call' button. The doors open, they get in, the door shuts. Okay, that's about it on that one….

Jack presses the 17th floor button.

Tony: How do you know that's the one?

Jack: Because it's the highest.

Tony: That don't mean squat!

Jack: Yes it does!

Tony: How so?

Jack: In every location where there's a bad guy and there are a lot of stories in the building, the main bad guy is always on the highest level. God, Tony, _play a videogame!_

Tony: Well, he just may want you to _think_ he's on the highest level, when in reality it would be a trap.

Michelle: You really think he'd go to that much trouble?

Tony: Well sure!

Jack: Okay, the 17th floor. _Let's go Angels!_

Jack, Tony, and Michelle jump out of the elevator, striking a _Charlie's Angels _pose! They get shot at. –BANG!-

Jack: ACK! _Get back in the elevator!_

They turn around and jump back in, the door shuts just in time.

Jack: Whew. Okay, that didn't turn out good.

Tony and Michelle: _You think!?_

Jack: Okay…..from the top.

The doors open. Jack, Tony, and Michelle jump out and pose 'Charlie's Angels' style. –TINK! TINK! TINK!-

Michelle: What's that noise?

Jack: AAAH! _GRENADE!_ Get back in the elevator!

They run back in as the door shuts. –KABOOOOOOOM!-

Jack: Whew….

Michelle: We really need a different strategy.

Jack: Ok……_one more time!_

Michelle: Ugh….

Jack opens the door. The three of them jump out and pose 'Charlie's Angels' style.

Jack: Hmmm……looks clear.

A man drops down from the top of the elevator and grabs Tony.

Tony: URF! –YOINK!-

Michelle: Tony!

The door closes.

Jack: Hmm…..okay, on to plan B.

Michelle: What's plan B?

Jack: The same exact thing we're doing in Plan A….just without Tony.

Michelle: Jack! We have to save him.

Jack: Oh all right. Let's start off with the snack machine.

Michelle: What?

11:19:42, in a mysterious room in the super mysterious office complex. Rolando enters the room Audrey is tied up in.

Rolando: Did you have a nice nap?

Audrey: Meh….

Rolando: Well, Jack Bauer is here.

Audrey: He is!?

Rolando: Yes, too bad I'm going to have to kill him.

Audrey: What did he ever do to you anyway?

Rolando: Something….so terrible….that if I tried to even begin to explain this complex tale….your head will explode.

Audrey: Oh neat….try it anyway.

Rolando: Okay, well, a long, long time ago.

Audrey's head explodes. –KABOOM! SPLAT!-

Rolando: Ewww! _It's everywhere! Gross!_

Okay, now back to reality.

Rolando: It's none of your business, good day to you!

Rolando storms out.

Audrey: What a nutball…..

11:22:12, back at CTU.

Morris and Sherry were shooting messages back and forth to each other and laughing on _Super Awesome Quest: Online_. Chloe, on the other side of the room, is tapping her fingers on her desk.

Chloe (in thought): Man, I'm actually bored……_what kind of terrorist attack is going on now anyway?!_ Yeah, the president was almost assassinated 7 hours ago, which Logan turned out to be the culprit, who was working with Agatha, who were both working for Callahan. But Logan's in holding, Agatha's croaked, and Jack is going after Rolando to get Audrey. Why am I here? It's not like Jack has called me for anything important. I mean, geez, I've been here since 7 this morning……..I wonder how much fun that game Morris is playing….no! You are not jealous of Morris! Gross! Get a hold of yourself, Chloe….you're better than that.

Angel Chloe appears on her shoulder. –POOF!-

Chloe: Oh no, _it's you again?!_ Didn't I already have a run in with you _back in episode 4?_

Angel: That doesn't matter. You must resist temptation Chloe, Jack needs you to stay by the phone in case he needs you!

Devil Chloe appears. –POOF!-

Devil: Yeah, Chloe, like you needed him. Don't forget about all those times he avoided your call _after him and Doyle tried to confront Adam Logan._

Chloe: You're right! To hell with Jack…..

Devil: Now go play some games!

Chloe: I should……no….._I will_…..

Angel: But Chloe!

Chloe: No, you're right. I have to stay here.

Devil: But what other opportunity are you going to have to _kill Morris without legal repercussions? _

Chloe turns to the Angel.

Chloe: Yeah, _you lose_.

Chloe throws the Angel into her paper shredder. –RIP!-

Angel: EEK!

Chloe gets up out of her desk and walks back over to Morris.

Chloe: Okay, you win. I want to play now.

Morris: I thought you say that, dahling.

Morris opens up a draw and gives her the game, in its own box.

Chloe: You bought an extra copy because you knew I would end up playing it?

Morris: Happy anniversary, dahling!

Chloe: _You got me this for our anniversary!_ Oh, that's it…..

Chloe storms back to her desk, opening the box, putting the disk in her computer to install the game. She waits for a bit. –DING! FINISHED!-

Chloe: Hmm…..that was fast.

She starts up the program.

Chloe: Let's see, need to create my character. Female, of course. Hmm, should I be human or an elf? Hmm……I'll be human.

She clicks around for a couple of times before finally getting into the game.

Chloe: My name, hmm. Okay….'COBRIAN34'…..

_That name is already taken. Choose another._

Chloe: Okay……'Chloe444'.

_That name is already taken. Choose another._

Chloe: 'ChloeOBrianatCTU3322'.

_That name is already taken. Choose another._

Chloe: Damn. name is already taken. Would you like us to pick one for you?

Chloe: As if I have a choice? Fine.

-SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE-

Chloe walks into a village full of people.

Chloe: God, I'm getting a horrible feeling of Déjà vu. _I hope I'm not back in Kieferlot again, that was just horrible!_

Morris walks up to her.

Morris: Hello, dahling.

Chloe: Hi Morris. I see your name is '_Kerflanderbelt'_. What the hell kind of name is that?

Morris: Dahling, it's a fantasy setting. You want to be realistic….._Why is your name 'Ratgirl44'_?

Chloe: What?! Oh, damn that auto namer!

Morris: Come with me, dahling. We have Super Awesome Quests to complete.

Chloe: Oh joy, oh rapture……

11:27:54, on the road again.

Karen is messing with the radio.

Nadia: Oooh! I like that song, turn it back.

Milo: You like them!? They suck!

Nadia: No they don't.

Mandy: Actually can you just turn off the radio? I have a headache.

Karen turns it off.

Karen: Hey, I have an idea. Let's play I-Spy!

Milo: Ugh….

Karen: Okay, I'll go first. _I spy with my little eye_……something…….blue.

Milo: That billboard.

Karen: Nope.

Mandy: My boots.

Karen: No.

Nadia: …..The sky?

Milo: It's 11:30 at night!

Nadia: Oh……um…….the pond?

Karen: Nope.

Milo: I don't know. What is it?

Karen: The Smurfs!

Milo: WHAT!?

Karen: Yeah, the Smurfs! I love them, they're so cute. Except for Smurfette, _she's a tramp!_

Nadia: Karen, there are no Smurfs out there.

Karen: Oh….._is that how you play the game_?

Everyone groans.

Milo: Now what?

Karen: Oh! I have another game.

Mandy: Swell.

Karen: Okay, let's see…..I have scrabble!

Everyone: No….

Karen: Monopoly?

Everyone: Hell no…..

Karen: Okay……I have 'The Wheels On The Bus' on tape. We can sing along….

Everyone: Scrabble!

Karen: Oh goody….

11:33:12, Karen is setting up the scrabble board, pieces are flying everywhere / Doyle, Bill, Tom, and Noah are driving to the airport / Jack has his hand up a vending machine trying to loosen his '3 Musketeers' bar that got stuck, Michelle groans / Chloe and Morris are fighting monsters in the _Oprah Highlands_.

Nadia: Okay, Karen, your turn.

Karen puts some pieces on the board.

Nadia: ….._SHABOINKLE!?_ That isn't a word, dammit!

Karen: Yes it is!

Nadia: It's not! Bill tried to use that word when we played earlier. You know what; I hate this game…..

Meanwhile, _at the airport._

Doyle: Okay, here we are.

The car pulls into the airport parking lot; the 4 of them get out and walk inside the terminal.

Doyle: Okay, we'll just need to set you up a personal flight back to D.C. and…..where did everyone go?

Doyle looks finds Bill, Tom, and Noah at a _Pac Man Machine_.

Doyle: Oh grapes….

Doyle walks up to them.

Doyle: Uh, I don't think we have time for that now….

Bill: Hold on, I'm going for the high score.

Doyle: Ugh……

Tom: Look out for that ghost; it's coming around the other way.

Doyle: Oh brother….

11:35:23, back at CTU.

Baxter sits down with a bowl of soup.

Kim: Got tired of having hair in your mashed potatoes?

Baxter: Yeah, they need to get new cooks.

Kim: You know, _where did this cafeteria come from anyway?_ I don't remember it being here last time!

Baxter: How long has it been since you were here last?

Kim: Season 5. The place got fumed with nerve gas.

Baxter: What is with this building? They should consider moving.

Kim: Yeah…..

Baxter: Ugh…._there's a hand in my soup!_ That's it; I'm going to _Subway_…..

Baxter takes his food back as Kim starts heading to the door, a big clump of the ceiling falls and barely misses her. –CRASH-

Kim: ACK!

A guard comes running.

Guard: Is everything okay?

Kim: Well, I….

Guard: Ok, good….

He runs off.

Kim: Uh……

Baxter walks up to Kim.

Kim: Ok, I think this place is falling apart. We need to tell Sherry.

Baxter: Okay, but after I eat this nutritious yogurt.

Baxter opens the yogurt and a mouse crawls out.

Mouse: Squeek!

Baxter: Ew! Gross……God, I hate this place……

He pops the mouse in his mouth.

Kim: UGH! Did you just eat that mouse!?

Baxter: uh……….no?

Kim: ….

Baxter: ……..yes……..

11:40:31, back at Super Awesome Office Complex!

Jack and Michelle approach another hallway, with a huge suspicious looking door at the end of the corridor.

Michelle: That's got to be it! Audrey's probably in there; Tony might be in there too!

Jack: Yeah…….(something catches his eye, he wanders off.)

Michelle: I just don't know how we are going to get in there and rescue them without attracting too much attention, what do you think, Jack?...Jack?...Huh?

He's gone.

Michelle: Oh great. Jack, where the hell are you?

She walks past an office door, Jack is sitting down.

Michelle: Jack, what the hell are you doing?!

Jack is watching '_Ducktales' _on the tv.

Jack (singing the theme): _Life is like a hurricane, here in…Duckburg,_

Michelle: Jack?

Jack: _Race cars, lasers, airplanes. It's a…duck-blur!_

Michelle: Jack!

Jack: _Might solve a mystery…_

Michelle: Jack!

Jack: _Or re-write history…Ducktales! Ooooh_!

Michelle: Jack?!

Jack: _Every day they're out there making Ducktales! Ooooh!_

Michelle: Hello?!

Jack:_ Tales of daring do bad and good Lucktales._

Michelle: Are you even listening?

Jack: _D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you! There's a stranger out to find you. What to do? Just grab on to some Ducktales! Ooooh!_

Michelle looks for something to hit Jack with.

Jack: _Every day they're out there making Ducktales! Oooh! Tales of daring do bad and good Lucktales, oooh!_

Michelle grabs a bat and raises it over Jack's head.

Jack: _Not pony tales or cotton tales, no, Ducktales! Ooooh!_

Michele strikes, -WHACK!- Jack falls to the floor.

Jack: OW!!! That smarts…..

Michelle: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?

Jack: I was watching Ducktales….._ooooh! Everyday they're out there making_….

Michelle pulls a gun on him.

Jack: I'll be quiet.

Michelle: Can we continue on our rescue mission now?

Jack: Aw, but _Fraggle Rock_ is about to start.

Michelle grabs Jack and drags him along.

Jack: EEK!

Jack and Michelle approach the mysterious door; they can hear Rolando talking on the other side.

Jack: See?! I told you this was it.

Michelle: Let's listen…..

They both press their ears up against the door.

Guard (on the inside): What do you want me to do with him?

Tony (on the inside): Please, take the girl, just don't touch my face. _It's my moneymaker! _

Audrey (on the inside): Tony, you suck….

Michelle: It's Tony and Audrey. They are in there!

Jack: Well duh….

Michelle slaps Jack.

Jack: Ow…..okay, let's bust on in.

Michelle: Wait! You don't know how many people are in there.

Jack: It'll be okay on!

Jack and Michelle burst into the room posing 'Charlie's Angel's style', which doesn't quite work with just the two of them.

Michelle: You know_ this doesn't quite work with just the two of us,_ now we just look stupid.

Jack: _Oh beans!_

The guards grab Michelle and Jack, tying them up to chairs next to Tony and Audrey.

Jack: Audrey, you're safe!

Audrey: I'm glad you're safe too!

Jack: I was worried you turned into a witch!

Michelle: And we were worried that _the witch plot was NEVER _going to end!

Audrey: Well, I'm fine now.

Jack: Okay, we'll get you out of here. I have a really cunning plan…..

Audrey: What's that?

Jack: Hey Callahan!

Rolando walks up to Jack.

Jack (crying): _Please let us go!!!!! WWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!_

Rolando: Man, get some help…….for your head. (Walks off)

Audrey: Uh….that didn't work.

Michelle (to Audrey): Believe it or not, that's one his more intelligent plans.

Jack: What?! I've had successful plans. Like earlier today, I remember when…..

Michelle: Jack, we don't have time to turn this week's episode into a _clip show_! We have to get out of here!

Jack: Okay…..I got it! I'll call my horse!

Michelle: What?

Jack: I have a horse to come rescue me whenever I call for it. Michelle, shimmy over and grab the whistle out of my pocket.

Michelle scoots over next to Jack, she manages to reach her finger into Jack's right pocket and pull a whistle out. She throws it up in the air as Jack catches it with his mouth.

-LOUD WHISTLE!-

Tony: Ow…..

Suddenly, Jack's horse, _Starlight_, comes running into the room, shortly before jumping out a window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-

Michelle: Well _that was pointless_…..

Jack: STARLIGHT!??! NOOOOO!!

Audrey: What now, Jack?

Jack: That's okay, _I have a backup horse!_

Michelle: Dammit, Jack. What the hell is a horse going to do?

Jack: You just wait and see….

-LOUD WHISTLE-

Tony: Ow……..are my ears bleeding…..?

Suddenly, Jack's backup horse, _Mr. Snuggles, _comes barging into the room…..before jumping out a different window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-

Jack: _Mr. Snuggles!? NOOOOOO!_

Michelle: What the hell is wrong with your horses!? They keep killing themselves!

Jack: That's okay, because…..

Michelle: Jack, if you say you have another horse, I'm going to shove that whistle down your throat.

Jack: Uh……….okay let me get back to you on that one.

Michelle: -Groan-

11:46:12, Morris and Chloe are fighting monsters in SUPER AWSEOME QUEST: ONLINE / Tom is trying to beat Bill's score in Pac Man / Milo and friends are approaching the airport / Doyle just ate a rancid turkey sandwich.

Doyle: Ugh, this is disgusting! –SPIT!-

Meanwhile, in SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE!

Morris and Chloe are in another field of some sort.

Morris: Okay, _Ratgirl_, go get em!

Chloe: Fine.

Chloe walks up to a giant fire breathing dragon. Chloe pokes it with her sword. –POKE! POKE!-

Dragon: Hello!

Chloe: Uh….hi!

The dragon eats her. –GULP!-

Chloe: AAAHH!

Morris: Hmm, that didn't work.

Morris runs back into the city. Chloe appears.

Chloe: Ugh….what just happened?

Morris: Every time you die, you are 'reborn' back here.

Chloe: I see, that doesn't sound so bad.

Morris: Well, dahling, also every time you die you lose 'experience'.

Chloe: So….._you become stupider_?

Morris: Bluntly put, yes.

Chloe: How many times have you died?

Morris: _Several thousand_…….let's continue.

Morris and Chloe walk back onto the field.

Morris: Now, from the top.

Chloe: What should I do?

Morris: Poke it!

Chloe: Morris, that didn't work last time, I turned into his dinner!

Morris: Well, that's what you're supposed to do whenever you come across a huge monster…..you 'poke' it.

Chloe: I don't know.

Morris: Trust me.

Chloe: That's what I'm worried about…..oh okay.

Chloe walks up to the giant fire breathing dragon. She pokes him with her sword. –POKE! POKE!-

Dragon: Hello!

Chloe: Uh…..

The dragon eats her again. –GULP!-

Chloe: Noooooo!

Morris: Hmm…..

Chloe is 'reborn'. Morris shows up. She slaps him. –SMACK!-

Morris: Ow.

Chloe: Dammit Morris, I told you! I got eaten again!

Morris: I just don't understand why it's not working.

Chloe: Why do we have to fight 'this' particular monster?

Morris: Personal reasons, I have a vendetta against this said monster.

Chloe: …..

Morris: ……

Chloe: This is the dragon that killed you all those times, wasn't it?

Morris: It was.

Chloe: And every time you 'poked' this monster, he just ate you again and again, didn't he.

Morris: He did.

Chloe: Well, _did it ever occur to you that poking doesn't work, or you're just not strong enough! _Gosh, Morris I don't even play the game normally and I knew that!

Morris: You don't get it Chloe; the world depends on us defeating this dragon.

Chloe: The same world who _is under terrorist threat and were too busy playing stupid computer games?_

Morris: Uh…..yes?

Chloe: That's it, I'm logging off.

Morris: Dahling, you can't do that!

Chloe: Morris, this isn't fun! All I've done was get eaten by a dragon.

Morris: Please, dahling, just one more time.

Chloe: -Sigh-….fine, but one more time.

The dragon approaches Chloe. He hands her a sword.

Dragon: Hello! This belongs to you, you dropped it.

Chloe: Oh thanks.

Dragon: No sweat.

Chloe: ……

Dragon: …..well?

Chloe: -Groan-…….-POKE!-

The dragon eats her.

Morris: Aw, it almost worked that time.

Morris runs back in the city.

Chloe: I'm leaving.

Morris: Oh come on!

Chloe: I have work to do Morris, so do you. I'm leaving this crappy game.

Morris: Oh all right, party pooper!

Chloe and Morris are back at CTU…..well, they were always there just…..oh you know what I'm talking about.

Chloe: Well, thank god that's over.

Kim and Baxter enter the main hall.

Chloe: Oh hey, I forgot you two were here….

Kim: Chloe, I'm about to go talk to Sherry, we have a serious problem.

Chloe: What?

Kim: Chloe, I'm about to go talk to Sherry, we have a serious problem.

Chloe: No, I meant 'What is it'?

Kim: What?

Chloe: The problem?

Kim: Oh…..

Baxter: The cooks in the cafeteria are horrible!

Kim: That's not it!

Baxter: Well……

Chloe and Morris nod in agreement.

Kim: I believe the building is falling apart.

Chloe: Hmm, okay, let's go talk to Sherry.

Baxter: Hey, is that _Super Awesome Quest: Online?_

Morris: Why yes it is! Care to join me?

Baxter: Why yes I would!

Morris: Sweet!

The both get on computers.

Chloe: Okay '_We'll'_ go talk to Sherry…..idiots.

Chloe and Kim make their way up to Sherry's office.

11:50:12, at the airport.

Milo's car pulls into the parking lot. He gets out, so does Karen. Mandy has Nadia at gunpoint which is hidden.

Milo: What are you going to do once we get to the metal detectors?

Mandy: You'll see.

The four of them cross the parking lot and enter the terminal; they walk past Bill, Doyle, and the others who don't notice them. Doyle is trying to beat Tom's score.

Doyle: I hate this game! Stupid ghosts…..

Milo and the others are about to approach the ticket counter when they get stopped by Bill.

Bill: Hey guys! What are you all doing here?

Mandy throws a towel over her face to disguise herself, putting her gun against Milo's back.

Milo: Uh….well……our friend…….'Susie'……we were just dropping her off at the airport.

Karen: Hi husband!

Bill: Hi wife!

Karen: They were dropping me off as well, so I can return to D.C.

Bill: Yeah, Agent Doyle and I are taking the President and Tom back as well.

Karen: Oh they're here? I'll go say hi!

Disguised Mandy coughs.

Karen: Oh……I'll say hi to them later when we get back.

Bill: Okay, we'll I hope you all have fun. See you back at CTU.

Karen: Oh, Bill!

Bill turns back around.

Bill: Yes, wife?

Karen: _Shaboinkle!_

Bill nods and walks back to Doyle and the others as the screen splits down at 11:55:04. Milo and the others approach the boarding terminal / Kim and Chloe are searching Sherry's office, she's gone / Morris and Baxter are playing SUPER AWESOME QUEST ONLINE / Audrey, Tony, Michelle, and Jack are tied up at Rolando's Office / Tom gets the highest score on Pac Man / Charles Logan makes tally marks on the CTU holding room walls.

Tom: YES!

At the office.

Rolando: So Mr. Bauer, do you think I would forget what you did to me?

Jack: Uh…..What?

Rolando: Well, you see…..

Everyone's heads explode. –KABOOOOOM! SPLAT!-

Rolando: Man, I should probably stop telling people these things.

Fred: -Ahem!-

Paul: And…..rewind!

Jack: What?

Rolando: Do you remember Jack? 25 years ago?

Michelle: Talk about a grudge.

Jack: 25 years ago?...Yeah, I was a teenager. Oh! I was working part time at Happy Burger!

Rolando: Yes, well…..I was one of your customers. And I ordered a burger.

Jack: Happy Burger.

Rolando: And this particular burger….

Jack: Happy Burger.

Rolando: Was not a very good burger….

Jack: Happy Burger.

Rolando: STOP SAYING HAPPY BURGER!!!!

Jack: Sorry.

Rolando: I asked for 'No Onions' and what did you do…..you put a _whole onion_ on there! I was deathly allergic, and swelled up like a balloon.

Jack: That sucks.

Rolando: I will get my revenge.

Michelle: Why are you taking it out on the country? Just torture Jack.

Tony: Yeah.

Audrey: Sure.

Jack: HEY! Jerks…..

Rolando: Because your country loves Jack Bauer.

Jack: Aw…..they do?!...I feel loved…..

Rolando: And yet despite all his screw ups, he's still running around saving the world.

Michelle: So…..you hate Jack?

Rolando: Yes.

Michelle: Because he sucks at everything.

Rolando: Yes.

Jack: I don't feel the love anymore.

Michelle: He is a screw up……who is trying to save the world……and the thought of a screw up saving the world makes you mad?

Rolando: Yes.

Michelle: So……you're trying to 'endanger' the world…….to justify the fact that Jack is too incompetent to do so himself.

Rolando: Uh…..yes.

Michelle: That doesn't make any sense.

Audrey: Yeah it doesn't.

Tony: I concur.

Rolando: Enough! You all will eventually die in here.

Rolando storms out of the room.

Tony: What a loon!

The group is about to board the plane.

Mandy: Go first.

Milo, Nadia, and Karen board the plane. Mandy starts to board when a shot rings out. –BANG!-

Mandy: HUH!?

Mandy looks and sees Doyle shooting at her.

Mandy: Oh crap.

Mandy runs on the plane. Doyle runs to a guard.

Doyle: We'll take care of her; get the president and Tad on a private jet to D.C.

Tom: _IT'S TOM, DAMMIT!_

Doyle and Bill run after Mandy, boarding the plane. Mandy bursts into the cockpit, holding a gun at the pilot's head.

Mandy: Take off, now.

The plane starts to move slowly away from the airport. Doyle and Bill run in the cockpit.

Mandy: Sit down, or both of them die.

Doyle: Damn……ok, we'll be back.

Doyle and Bill walk back to their seats with Milo, Karen, and Nadia.

Nadia: Hey, we're glad you guys are here. How did you know we were in trouble?

Bill: Karen said our 'Secret Code' word if one of us was in trouble.

Nadia: 'Shaboinkle'?..._THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS?!_

Karen: Well, we really don't know what it means. That's just what we use.

Nadia: So……it might not even be a word.

Karen: It's a word.

Nadia: You don't know that!

Bill: It's a word!

Nadia: Ugh……

Back at CTU. Chloe and Kim walk back into the main hall.

Chloe: That's weird; I don't know where Sherry is.

Kim: Hmm……

Baxter: Dude, why do you keep getting eaten by that dragon?

Morris: It's……for personal reasons.

Chloe: Don't ask, just let him get eaten.

The building starts to rumble violently. –RUMBLE!-

Kim: AHHH!

Chloe: Oh crap! The building is falling apart!

Morris: Dahling, we have to evacuate……how many people are here, 6 total?

Chloe: What about Logan? And Sherry?

Morris: We have to get out of here, or we'll be trapped!

The ceiling begins to cave in. –CRASH!-

Kim: EEP!

Chloe: Yeah, you're right, we'll die if we don't get moving.

Chloe, Baxter, Morris, and Kim run out of CTU as the building caves in. –CRASH!-. Logan digs his way out into the open.

Logan: I guess I'm free.

Logan looks around to check if anyone is watching. He walks over the rubble proceeding to the street for an escape. Not too far off is Sherry, under a giant piece of debris, unconscious.

11:59:57  
11:59:58  
11:59:59  
12:00:00

At the retirement home, everyone is playing Bingo.

Old Milo: Okay……_I-22_……………_B-4_……….._B-12_…………_O-62_…………

Old Karen: BINGO!!!!!

Old Milo walks over to Karen.

Old Milo: What is this?

Karen's Bingo Pad is covered with scrabble tiles spelling the word 'Shaboinkle'!

Old Milo: Karen, none of these match the numbers I've been reading! And those tiles aren't even a part of the game.

Old Karen: Oh……_That's how you play the game!?_

Old Milo: -Groan-……….

Jack's dentures fall out again. –CRASH!-

Jack: Aw nuts!

Tony: Dude, _get some tape…_

Fred: I thought I told your mother to stop writing!

Paul: Well, she's kinda already written out the plot for the next 5 seasons.

Fred starts to cry.

Fred: Why me…..

Paul: Hey, don't worry. _Jack gets his dentures fixed next episode_. I peeked at the script….

Fred: I hate you so much…..

NEXT TIME ON 24!

-SWOOSH-

Doyle: You have got to land this airplane, now!

Mandy: No.

Doyle: Well, I'm all out of ideas.

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: Morris! Logan has escaped!

Kim (dressed as Morris): _Dahling, that is terrible!_

Chloe: Kim, what the hell are you doing?

Kim: Budget cuts, I have to do double roles in this episode.

Chloe: What?

Baxter: That's just disturbing.

-SWOOSH-

Jack and the others are still tied up. Jack blows his horse whistle again for the 500th time.

-LOUD WHISTLE-

Jack's new horse, _Rosie_, walks in.

Jack: Okay, girl…..now……stay...

Rosie the horse stands there for a second, and starts to inch over to the window.

Jack: No, no, no, no, no……back………baaaaack…..

Rosie starts inching back over to Jack…..then a little to the window, then to Jack……..

Jack: That's it……..a little closer……..and…….

The horse walks up to Jack, he pets her.

Jack: There…..

Michelle: …..

Jack: …..

Michelle: Now what?

Jack: That's it. I just wanted to pet the horse.

Michelle: _YOU MADE US SIT HERE AND WATCH HUNDREDS OF HORSES KILL THEMSELVES JUST SO YOU CAN PET ONE!?!?!?_

Jack: Yes, because nothing is more calming then petting a horse.

Michelle: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!

Rosie turns around and jumps out the window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-

Man in the street: _Where the hell did all these dead horses come from?!_

Jack (To Michelle): Look what you did.

Michelle: -Sigh-…….

AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 NEXT WEEK…….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….beep……


	18. 12:00am 'Planes,Trains, & Weinermobiles'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that goodness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Roseanne action figures were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 18

12:00am – 1:00am 'Planes, Trains, And Weinermobiles' 

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Paul and Sam walk into the writer's room. Fred is banging his head on the desk. –WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-

Paul: Something wrong?

Fred: We are getting slaughtered.

Sam: OH NO!

Sam runs out of the room flailing his arms.

Paul turns back to Fred.

Fred: ……in the ratings.

Paul: Oh.

Sam runs backwards into the room, arms flailing.

Sam: Okay, I'm better.

Paul: What's killing us?

Fred: That annoying show on NBC….._Heroes!_

Paul: Aw, dude, _I love that show!_

Sam: Me too!

Paul: I watch it all the time!

Fred: Fools! You're supposed to be watching 24!

Paul: Uh……when does it come on?

Fred: The same exact time as 'Heroes'!

Paul: Oh no……this is awful.

Fred: Exactly.

Paul: _How are we going to watch 'Heroes'?!_

Fred: _YOU DON'T WATCH 'HEROES'!!_

Paul and Sam: WHAT!?

Fred: Watching it boosts its ratings, and it lowers ours. Simply put.

Paul: Ah…..

Fred: We need a course of action; this week's episode needs to steal the show away from 'Heroes'. Come up with something good.

Paul and Sam look at each other, and smile. They run off.

Fred: I'm already starting to get a bad feeling about this.

-LATER WHEN FILMING-

_In recent days, a seemingly random  
group of individuals has emerged with  
what can only be described as  
"special" abilities._

_Previously on…Zeroes_…….

(Paul and Sam are intensely watching their 'work'; Fred has his face buried in his hands)

Chloe: Okay, I'm going to do it.

Morris: Go, dahling.

Morris starts filming with his camera.

Chloe falls off of a giant oil rig and splats on the ground. –SPLAT!-

Morris: EW!

Chloe gets back up and pops her arm back into place. –SNAP!-

Morris: Double EW!

Chloe: See, I can't die! There's something wrong with me! I heal instantly!

Morris: Hmm…..

Morris grabs a sword and lops off both of Chloe's arms. –SHANK! SHANK!-

Chloe: Now why did you do that for!?

Morris: There you go, _Wolverine_, heal from that!

Chloe: Good going, Morris….

Tony runs into Michelle's cubicle at work.

Tony: I have the power to mess with the space-time continuum and travel! Watch!

Michelle: Whatever.

Tony clenches his face reeeeal tight.

Michelle: Uh…..don't try to hard Tony, _you might pop something_.

Tony: Errrrrrrgggg……

Tony disappears.

Michelle: What the hell?

Tony reappears in some other room.

Tony: I did it!...uh…..I can't move.

Tony realizes he's stuck in a wall.

Tony: Oh crap!

He looks over to see the x-man _Nightcrawler_ stuck in a wall next to him.

Nightcrawler: Hello, friend.

Tony: Who are you?

Nightcrawler: _My name is Kurt Wagner, but in the Munich circus I was known as_….

Tony: Yeah, I don't care.

Bill: Hello Milo!

Milo: Hi!

Bill: Why are you here?

Milo: To study your….ability…….tee hee!

Milo: _Heh, heh. Now all I have to do is take this guy's brain and his ability will be mine! HAH!_

Bill: What?!

Milo: Uh, nevermind. Okay, let's see.

Milo walks up to Bill and removes the top of his head, taking out his brain.

Bill: So, what are you doing with my brain?

Milo: Hmmm, I guess I can eat it. It does look kinda yummy.

Milo puts a bib on and sharpens his utensils.

Milo: So anyway, what's your special power? –MUNCH! MUNCH!-

Bill: Oh, it's a special power indeed. _I have the ability to conjure oatmeal!_

Milo: ….What?

Bill: Yeah.

Milo: uh……that power sucks………you know what?…..I'm leaving.

Milo walks to the door to open it, a massive amount of oatmeal avalanches on him. –RUMBLE!-

Milo: ACK! –SPLAT!-

Join us next time for an all new episode.

-CLICK!-

Sam: Ooooh! I can't wait!

Paul: I'm going to watch it again!

Fred: You made the show like heroes!?! Why?! Hell, _why am I acting like I'm surprised_? I should've seen this coming. I'm going home…..

Fred gets up and walks out.

Sam: ……..he doesn't want to admit he likes it.

Paul: The path of a '24' writer is never an easy one……..

Sam: Damn skippy!

Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..bepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpebep…..24!!!!!

Sherry: Previously on 24……

-SWOOSH-

Something explodes. –KABOOM!-

Chloe: Jack, what are we going to do?!

Jack: This way!

Jack and Chloe run down a hallway. He frantically puts in a code at a sealed door. It opens. –SHWOOP!-

Jack: Hurry!

Jack and Chloe escape into the room with the door shutting behind them.

Chloe: Uh, Jack?

The room is empty, except for a cardboard box.

Chloe: What the hell are we supposed to do with this?

Jack: Chloe, you know how I always said I wanted to do something with my life?

Chloe: No.

Jack: Well, I have…..I present to you……._My time machine_!

Chloe: Oh crap, not this again.

Jack: Hurry, Chloe. We're running out of time. Get into the time machine. We'll go forward to the future after all of this has blown over and we'll be safe. We can start our lives over again. We can rebuild CTU!

Chloe: Uh……._Rebuilding CTU_ isn't really the kind of 'new life' I would like to start.

Jack: Hurry Chloe! Get into the time machine.

Chloe: Fine! Fine!

Chloe crawls under the cardboard box, appropriately labeled 'Super Time Machine. By Jack Bauer: Age 40'. Jack crawls in the box with Chloe.

Jack: Hang on tight…..it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Chloe: Whatever.

Jack: ZOOOOOOOM! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! REEEEEEEER! WAH! WAH! WAH!

Chloe: What the hell are you doing, Jack? Do y_ou have to make those sound effects?!_

Jack: Uh….it's called '_Using My Imagination_'. God, Chloe, watch an episode of _Reading Rainbow_, geez!

Chloe shakes her head.

Jack: Okay…..here we go!!!!!!

Later….

Jack and Chloe crawl out of the cardboard box.

Jack: This is it Chloe….._The Future!_...It's…..just like how I imagined it!

Chloe looks at the clock.

Chloe: Uh Jack……it's 4:00.

Jack: Yeah.

Chloe: We got in the box at 3:00.

Jack: Yeah.

Chloe: We've been in there for an hour.

Jack: And here we are….._IN THE FUTURE!_

Chloe: No you moron! _We just sat in a stupid cardboard box for an hour_!

Jack: But we are in the future, are we not?

Chloe: AAARGH!

Chloe storms out of the room.

Jack: I'm awesome…..

Paul: Okay, that didn't happen.

Fred: Well duh…..

-SWOOSH-

Doyle peeks out of the bedroom.

Doyle: Looks like its clear, we can watch television now.

Bill, Noah, and Tom: YAY! (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS).

-SWOOSH-

A car drives by, on it's way to the airport.

Milo: _Ready Thelma?_

Karen: _Ready Louise!_

Milo: Let's go!

Milo and Karen drive the car off the canyon. –CRASH!-

Paul: That didn't happen either.

Fred: Will you please stick to the storyline!

Mandy (in the backseat): Take me to the airport!

Milo, Mandy (in disguise), Karen, and Nadia are walking through the airport. (MILO PRESSMAN AND FRIENDS)

Karen (shaking her hands): SHABOINKLE!

Bill: After them!

Bill, Doyle, and a bunch of guards, wherever they came from, start making chase. Mandy and the others board the plane, as well as Bill and Doyle.

Mandy: Get this plane moving, now!

Doyle: Crap!

-SWOOSH-

Kim: CTU is caving in!

Baxter: There's a _nail-file _in my burrito, gross!

Kim: You need to stop eating here. (KIM BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: Morris, help! I'm being eaten by the dragon!

Morris: Never fear, _my busty wench_!

Chloe: _Did you just call me a wench?_

Morris: I'll save you!

Morris runs up with his sword, the dragon picks him up and…..-GULP!-

Chloe: Ugh…. (MORRIS O'BRIAN AND RATGIRL44)

Chloe: HEY! That's not my name, jerk!

-SWOOSH-

Jack: We have to save Audrey! Let's go inside this office complex!

Michelle: Okay, there's two guards up ahead, now what? Guys?...Guys?

Tony hops up behind a desk.

Tony: _POST-IT NOTE FIGHT!_

Tony and Jack start slinging _post-it notes_ at each other. –WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-

Jack: Ow! (JACK BAUER AND FRIENDS)

Michelle: That's it! I'm calling in sick tomorrow……

CTU falls apart. –CRUMBLE!-

Chloe: This is bad!

Sherry lies unconscious, Logan escapes the rubble and out to freedom.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK, FIND OUT….oh wait, that's this episode?...ok, _keep rolling! Keep rolling!_

Karen: The following takes place between Midnight and 1:00am.

The plane is flying through the air over Los Angeles. What's going on inside the airplane? Let's find out….

Mandy: Oh, just holding the pilots hostage so I can make a cool escape. But those CTU morons are getting in my way!

Doyle: She's probably talking about us.

Bill: How rude!

Mandy walks out into the main cabin of the plane. She pulls out a gun.

Mandy: Nobody move or I'll shoot! And it will hurt!

Milo: Can we at least talk?

Mandy: No.

Milo: Meanie!

Mandy goes back into the cockpit. Nadia is held hostage up with the pilots.

Nadia: Yes, because I can't go 5 seconds without being held hostage. I'm just as bad as Audrey.

Meanwhile, Audrey was….

Audrey (talking to Jack and the others at Rolando's): So anyway….

Okay, enough with her, meanwhile back on the airplane…

Audrey: I really hate it when you do that.

Milo walks over and sits next to Doyle.

Milo: Okay, we have 3 choices of in-flight movies.

Doyle: Shoot.

Milo: Okay, we have an obscure foreign film that Jack did a long time ago. He plays a secret agent on his majesty's secret service. _James Bauer 0024: The Man With The Golden Libido._

Doyle: Pass.

Milo: We have _The Chronicles Of Nadia: The Lying Bitch And Her Wardrobe. _

Nadia: _I HEARD THAT_!

Doyle: Maybe.

Milo: And last we have _From Justin To Kelly: The Tale Of Two American Idols_…..

The both shudder.

Milo: Yeesh.

Doyle: Let's start with Jack's movie first.

Milo: Okay.

Milo pops the movie into the player.

'The James Bond Theme Plays'

Jack walks out on screen, pulling out his gun and shooting. –BANG!-

Cameraman: _OW! MY FACE!_

Jack walks up to a bar on the beach. A beautiful woman emerges from the ocean, approaching the bar.

Woman: Hi!

Jack: Hello.

Woman: My name is _Holly Berries!_ What's yours?

Jack: My name is Bauer……._James Bauer_…….and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Holly: Really!?

Jack: Yes! Let's go this way!

Jack and Holly run over and jump into a nearby bed…..in the middle of the resort bar…..wherever that came from.

Man: Can you get rid of this bed? It's kinda destroying the ambience.

Jack enters a hotel, he snaps a guard's neck. –SNAPPITY!-

Woman: Bauer! What are you doing here?!

Jack: Gasp! It's _Demolition-Debbie!_

Debbie: That's right! Prepare to die, James Bauer!

Jack: And you……_are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!_

Debbie: I know.

Jack: THIS WAY!

Jack and Debbie run over and jump into a nearby bed……good lord, man, take a break!

Jack: I'm back from my trip to the Alps, Moneyhennypenny.

Moneyhennypenny: Yay!

Jack: And you….._are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen_……today.

Moneyhennypenny: _Oh, James!_

Jack: THIS WAY!

And they jump into the bed…..where the hell are all these beds coming from?

Doyle: That movie was crap!

Milo: I know; what a waste of life…..okay, moving on.

_The Chronicles Of Nadia: The Lying Bitch and Her Wardrobe!_

Nadia: I the snow witch will destroy this land of……whatever. I have in front of me the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve! What are your names!

Yakko: _I'm Yakko!_

Wakko: _I'm Wakko!_

Dot: …._and I'm Cute!_

Nadia: Whatever! You, the tall one! Go get me some fruit! You, girl, run to _Macy's _and buy me a new blouse. And you, the middle child, come with me to the Ice Palace and I'll give you one of these creepy looking European cake things.

Wakko: _I love those!_

Nadia: MWA HA HA HA!

Nadia turns off the tv. –CLICK!-

Milo: What in the name of Regis Philbin was that garbage?!

Doyle: Uh…..yeah?

Nadia: It was a student film I did……for……student film……class……_How the hell did you get this anyway!?_

Milo: They were offering it on the in-flight movie.

Nadia: That's just great!

Mandy: Hey! I didn't release you yet! Get back here in the cockpit like a good little hostage.

Milo: Better do what she says, Nadia.

Nadia: You know, when did you guys plan on saving us?

Doyle: We're getting there.

Milo: Okay, all that's left is _From Justin To Kelly_.

Doyle: Forget that! Let's just move on to saving everybody.

Milo: Works for me.

Doyle and Milo walk to the back to strategize, passing by Bill and Karen who are eating peanuts.

12:05:22, at Rolando's House Party.

Tony: I wish.

Rolando enters the room.

Rolando: Hello gang.

Jack/Audrey/Michelle/Tony: _Hi Rolando!_

Rolando: Okay, Jack. Here's the thing. I'm going to hand you a gun, you have to shoot each one of your friends.

Jack: Go on.

Michelle: HEY!

Rolando: If you fail to do so….._I will release this deadly toxin into the city's water supply!_

Jack: So?

Audrey: But Jack, _tomorrow, err today, is the day of the big Los Angeles Water Festival!_ We can't go on having the water intoxicated!

Jack: Oh crap, we have to deal with the water festival!?

Audrey: Actually no, it's not until 4:00pm; the season will be over by then.

Jack: Whew, that's good.

Rolando: So, what's it going to be?

Jack: Man, I don't know……._Do I get a commercial break to decide?_

Michelle: Jack, we haven't done a legitimate commercial break since like….episode 1 or 2.

Jack: Oh man……..what if I say 'No'?

Rolando: I told you…..I release the toxin……then I'll kill your friends anyway for you not being a good sport!

Jack: My friends?..._Gasp! _I hope you don't mean _The Babysitter's Club_; they're the only friends I have!

Michelle: _HE'S TALKING ABOUT US YOU IDIOT!_

Jack: Oh.

Rolando: I'll give you about 10 minutes to decide, because I'm nice like that.

Rolando leaves.

Jack: Okay, now what?

Tony: Hmm…..

Michelle: We have to get untied from these stupid chairs, and then we can take Rolando, get some answers, and stop him in the end from releasing the deadly toxin into the city's water supply before it ruins the Los Angeles Water Festival….._whatever the hell that is!_

Jack: We just need a miracle.

The doors fling open. –WHAP!-

Jack: We're saved!

_Rainbow Brite storms in_, clearly pissed.

Jack: Uh oh…..ok we're not.

Michelle: What did you do now, Jack?

Rainbow Brite: Jack Bauer, I'm suing you for everything you got!

Jack: Swell.

Audrey: What did he do?

Rainbow Brite: He killed my _horse, Starlite!_

Michelle: Jack, did you kill Rainbow Brite's horse?

Jack: Well if you want to get technical, the stupid horse killed itself.

Rainbow Brite: GRR!

Michelle: Jack?

Jack: Yes Michelle?

Michelle: Apologize to _Ms. Brite_ for making her horse jump out the window.

Jack: No! I don't wanna….

Michelle: Jack?

Jack: …..

Michelle: ……

Jack: Okay…….I'm sorry for making your horse jump out the window.

Rainbow Brite: Thank you for your apology, but I'm still going to sue.

Tony: Listen……Rainbow?

Rainbow Brite: What?

Tony: ……_You want to untie us!_

Rainbow Brite: …..what?

Michelle: Oh crap, he's doing his Jedi thing again.

Tony: _You want_….._to untie us._

Rainbow Brite: …._I want_….._to untie you_…..

Michelle: Holy crap…..

Rainbow Brite runs and jumps out the window. –SHATTER!...SPLAT!-

Jack: Well _that was unexpected_.

Michelle: Remind me to never seek psychological help from either of you two.

Jack and Tony: Done.

Audrey: Hey, I think I can wiggle out of these restraints!

Michelle: Really?

Audrey: Yes………almost……….alllllmost……….there!

Audrey rubs her wrists.

Tony: Woo hoo!

Michelle: Allright! We can finally end this thing and get some sleep!

Audrey unties Michelle, Tony, and then Jack.

Jack: Let's go!

Michelle: Wait! I have an idea…….let's sit back down and _pretend to be still tied up!_

Tony: What?!

Michelle: If we barge in there, he'll have guards. If he comes back here, which he mostly does _alone_, he'll be under the impression that we're still tied up that will give us the upper hand!

Audrey: Good point.

Michelle: Hurry, let's sit back down, I hear him coming.

12:10:33, CTU is in shambles.

Kim: CTU is in shambles.

Ugh….

Chloe: This is bad, really bad.

Morris: Yup.

Chloe: Okay, let's try to collect as much information as we can. Maybe we can set up shop somewhere else and resume operations.

An ambulance pulls up.

Medic: Are you guys allright?

Chloe: Well, we….

Medic: Good.

He runs off.

Chloe: Why do people keep doing that?

Another Medic: We have someone over here, under some of the debris.

The medics put Sherry on a gurney and wheel her on the ambulance, they drive off. –ZOOM!-

Baxter runs up.

Baxter: Uh hey, your prisoner has escaped.

Chloe: Logan!? Oh crap….

Morris: Not to worry, I can find him.

Chloe: And how's that?

Morris: Watch!

Morris pulls out a map of California.

Chloe: Where did you get that?!

Morris: I saw this on that tv show _Charmed, _dahling. It's really easy.

Morris gets a crystal tied to a string and dangles it over the map.

Chloe: What are you doing?

Morris: It's called scrying, I use this crystal thing to track whoever it is I'm tracking. The crystal will land on the part of the map where Charles Logan is hiding.

Chloe: Uh, Morris?

Morris: Shh, dahling! I've almost found him.

Chloe: …..Morris?

Morris: Just a second…..ooop, lost him…..okay……okay….

Chloe: MORRIS!

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Chloe: Are you sure it will work seeing how you _don't have any special abilities of any sort_?

Morris: Uh…..

Chloe: Thought so. Let's start getting our stuff.

Morris walks over to his desk.

Morris: Hey! My computer is still on! I can still play _SUPER AWESOME QUEST: ONLINE!_

Chloe: Morris!

Morris: Hold on, I'm going to……oh…..no, just got ate by that damn dragon again. Okay, coming.

12:15:22, Chloe and Morris dig through the wreckage / Logan is walking down the street / Medics are working on Sherry / Milo is yawning on the plane.

Milo: Yawn!

Doyle and Milo stand outside the door leading to the cockpit.

Doyle knocks on the door.

Mandy: WHAT!?

Doyle: Mandy, this is Agent Mike Doyle…..

Milo: And Milo.

Doyle: You are completely surrounded.

Mandy: I have control of the plane; you don't want to make me angry.

Doyle: Crap.

Milo: Crap indeed.

Doyle: We have to think of something.

Milo: Yeah.

Doyle: Hmm…..

Milo: I got it!

Doyle: What?

Milo: _We knock out one of the stewardesses!_

Doyle: Beg pardon?

Milo: I will run in the back, bonk one of them with this frying pan….

Doyle: Wherever that came from….

Milo: Then I will disguise myself as one of them; pretending to be delivering food to the pilots in the cockpit….

Doyle: Uh…..

Milo: I will be like "And tonight's entrée: Fried Twinkie!" When I reach for the food, I pull out a baseball bat, smack Mandy upside the head, take control of the plane, and everything will be a-ok!

Doyle: _Fried Twinkie?_

Milo: What do you think?

Doyle: ……_How do you fry a Twinkie?_

Milo: Um……just tell me what you think of the plan….

Doyle: Whatever……

Milo: And I'm off!

Meanwhile, Bill and Karen where eating peanuts.

Karen: These peanuts are not very good.

Bill: I agree.

Karen: We need to do something about this.

Bill: I agree…

Karen: I have an idea!

Bill: Do tell.

Karen: Okay…..here's the plan….I'll run in the back….._and knock out one of the stewardesses._

Bill: What?

Karen: It'll be easy……I'll run back there…..knock out one of them with this month's issue of _Highlights Magazine_. Hijack the snack and beverage cart as well as her clothes, come by here. Offer 'you' some peanuts. You will grab enough for both you and I, I'll ditch the cart and the disguise and we'll have fresh peanuts in no time!

Bill: Go for it!

Karen: I will! Go _Team Karen!_

Bill: Team Bill.

Karen: Uh….um….Te…..Team Karen.

Bill: Team Bill!

Karen: Why the hell should it be 'Team Bill'?!

Bill: Because I have higher billing on the cast?

Karen: I came up with the plan! It should be _Team Karen!_

Bill: We should compromise on this.

Karen: We should.

Bill: How about….._Team Kill!_ It's a cross between Karen and Bill.

Karen: Hmm…..seems….too intimidating.

Bill: _Team Baron?_

Karen: oooh, I like that! _Team Baron away!_

Karen runs off.

12:20:44, Meanwhile, back at Rolando's Room.

Michelle: Man, what's taking him so long?!

Rolando walks back into the room.

Rolando: Hello friends.

Tony: HI ROLANDO!

Everyone glares at Tony.

Tony: Oh we're not greeting him anymore……man, nobody tells me anything!

Rolando: What have you decided?

Jack: Well, the thing is…….I can shoot these people……

Tony: Jack is officially off the Christmas card list.

Michelle and Audrey: Agreed!

Jack: But…..how will I know you won't release the deadly toxin…._anyway?_

Rolando: You have my word!

Jack: Man…….this is tough…..

Michelle: Jack, you seriously can't think about trusting this jerk!?

Jack: You're right! TAKE THIS!!!!

Jack hops up out of the chair and pull outs the gun.

Jack: HYA!

He hurls the gun at Rolando, missing pathetically. The others look at Jack dejectedly.

Michelle: Jack, that was pathetic.

Audrey and Tony: Yeah……

Jack: Hmm…….can I try that again?

Rolando: Sure!

Rolando hands Jack the gun.

Jack: Thanks.

Rolando: No prob.

Jack: TAKE THIS!!!

Jack opens fire. –CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!-

Jack: Click?!...No bullets!?

Michelle: Hmm…..

Jack: Well, I was better off going with my original plan.

Jack hurls the gun….at nobody……

Jack: He's gone!?

Michelle: Crap!

Audrey (at the window): Look!

The others join Audrey at the window; they see Rolando running across the parking lot.

Tony: Oh poodles! He's getting away!

Audrey: Hey, we can go out the fire escape!

Michelle: Let's get moving.

Michelle crawls out of one of the many _broken windows_. The others follow, one by one, down the fire escape and into the parking lot as well, Rolando peels out.

Jack: We need a ride, fast! Before we lose him!

A flashy pink sports car pulls up in front of the group.

Ken: _Hiya Audrey!_

Audrey: _Hi Ken!_

Ken: _Wanna go for a ride?_

Audrey: _Sure Ken!_

Audrey hops in the car, it peels off.

Jack: HEY!

Audrey (singing): _I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie wooorld! Wrapped in plastic_…._It's fantastic!_

Fred slams Paul's head on the desk. –WHAP!-

Paul: Oww……

Fred: _How dare you use that stupid song_! Get to deleting!

Paul: Heh, heh, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!

Fred: GRR……

Rewind!

The group stops in the parking lot.

Jack: We're going to need a ride fast!

Another flashy pink sports car pulls up.

Ken: _Hiya Tony!_

Tony: _Hi Ken!_

Ken: _Wanna go for a ride?_

Tony: _Sure Ken!_

Tony hops in the car. It zooms off.

Jack: Oh _cheese and rice!_

Tony (singing): _I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie woooorld. Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic!_

Fred: DAMMIT, PAUL!!!

Paul: Okay, no more….

Rewind!

The group stops in the parking lot.

Jack: We're going to need a ride, fast!

They wait…..

Michelle: Oh good, I was afraid that….

The sports car pulls up.

Ken: _Hiya Jack!_

Jack: _Hi Ken!_

Michelle: _ARGH!_

Michelle grabs a baseball bat and starts beating the crap out of Ken's flashy sports car. –WHACK! WHACK! CRASH!-

Ken: HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Michelle: Stop….-WHACK!-…..getting….-WHACK!-……in……-WHACK!-…….our…..-WHACK!...way!

Ken: I'm going to sue you, you crazy broad!

He peels off.

Michelle (To Jack): I guess we're both getting sued.

Jack: It sucks to be us.

Tony: Look! The diaper truck!

Tony points out the diaper truck they arrived in.

Michelle: Great!...Though I can't believe I'm actually saying that.

Tony: I can hotwire it!

Michelle: Tony, you don't know how to hotwire anything.

Tony: I led quite an interesting life before I met you.

Michelle: Oh thanks, jerk!

Tony walks up to the Diaper Van…._which detonates_. –KABOOOOM!-

Tony: AAAACK! (He flies backward)

Michelle: Tony!

She runs toward him.

Michelle: Are you still in one piece?

Tony: Yeah, I'm good.

Tony gets back up.

Audrey: Now what are we going to drive?

Jack looks around until he notices……

Jack: We're saved!

Michelle: What?

Jack: It's the _Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile!_

Michelle: Oh….no…….

Jack: Come on guys!

Jack busts the driver's side window of the Weiner-Mobile.

Michelle: I can't believe this……

12:25:31, back on the airplane.

Milo walks into the back cabin of the airplane.

Stewardess Amy: Hi!

Milo: Hello…..

Milo conceals his frying pan……Karen shows up in the back cabin as well.

Amy: Hi!

Karen: Hello…..

Karen conceals her _non intimidating copy of Highlights Magazine._

Amy: Sorry about the slow service, I'm the only one on board. We've had several people call in tonight.

Milo: Oh, that's too bad.

Karen: Yes….._too bad, indeed_.

Amy: Oh, I'll be right back.

Amy walks off.

Milo: What are you doing here?

Karen: What are _you_ doing here?

Milo: I asked you first!

Karen: I asked you second.

Milo: I have higher cast billing!

Karen: I'm cooler than you are!

Milo: That was rude!

Karen: Listen, I need this Stewardess.

Milo: What!? No, she's mine!

Karen: Okay, what for?

Milo: We're trying to find a way to stop Mandy and save the day, what about you?

Karen: Bill and I need peanuts!

Milo: Uh…..I think our crisis trumps yours.

Karen: Nope, _Team Baron_ will prevail. Step aside.

Amy: I'm back

Milo: Great!

Karen: Really Great!

Milo: I'm happy.

Karen: I'm happier!

Milo: Shut up!

Karen: You shut up!

Amy: Oookay. I'm going to get some snacks ready.

She turns away to load the tray with snacks and drinks. Milo raises his frying pan. Karen pulls Milo away.

Milo: URK!

Amy: Is something wrong?

Karen: Nope….nothing at all.

Amy: Oh good……

Karen folds up her magazine, raising it over Amy's head.

Karen: Steady……..steady…….

Milo: NO!

Milo tackles Karen. –CLUMP!-

Karen: No, she's mine! Peanuts are at stake!

They start wrestling on the ground.

Milo: Our lives are at stake, I…..have…..to……knock out the stewardess!

Amy: What!?

Karen: What are you going to do dressed as a stewardess? (Shoves her hand in Milo's face) –WHAP!-

Milo: OW!...Yeah, well what about you?! Why can't you just ask for new peanuts? Why do you need to knock her out?

Karen: Hmmm…..I guess you have a point.

They stop fighting, standing up to dust themselves off.

Karen: I'm sorry, Milo. I was selfish.

Milo: No need to apologize, I understand what it's like to get crappy peanuts.

Karen: Truce?

Milo: Truce!

They shake hands, Amy the Stewardess stands there not knowing what to do.

Karen: We've come to a truce.

Amy: That's good.

Karen: Can I have a fresh bag of peanuts?

Amy: Of course!

Amy hands her the bag.

Karen: And now we have decided that Milo can take the opportunity to knock you out and disguise himself in your uniform.

Amy: WHAT!?

Karen: Here you go Milo, you'll need this.

Milo: Thanks.

Milo whaps Amy upside the head with Karen's _Highlights Magazine_. –WHAP!- She falls to the floor.

Karen: Works every time.

Milo: Well, we got what we needed.

Karen: Go ahead and do your thing.

Karen walks back to her seat.

Bill: That took a long time!

Karen: I ran into some trouble.

Bill: Did _Team Baron_ succeed?

Karen: Yes Bill……yes they did……

Bill: YAY!

Karen shuffles past him and sits down opening her bag.

Bill: Hey, did you get my peanuts?

Karen: Hmm….no I forgot……well, we can split these.

Bill: Okay.

Karen opens the bag and pours some peanuts into her hand, handing the remainder of the bag to Bill. –MUNCH! MUNCH!-

Karen: Hmmm…..

Bill: …..yeah…..

Karen: These aren't very good either….

Bill: …..yeah…..

Karen: Maybe it's just the peanuts.

Bill (shaking his fist): _Mr. Peanut! Your days are numbered!_

Karen: Nobody can escape the wrath of _Team Baron._

Milo exits the backroom dressed as a stewardess, wheeling out a beverage cart.

Milo: How do I look?

Doyle: Like an idiot.

Milo: Good. This should work.

Milo walks up to the cockpit door. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-

Mandy: Who is it!?

Milo: _Housekeeping!_

Mandy: What?

Doyle shakes his head.

Milo: Oh, I mean…..bag of peanuts or ice cold beverage?

Mandy: Uh….I'll take an _RC Cola._ What do you guys want?

Pilot: Peanuts.

Co-Pilot: I'll go for a bag of chips.

Nadia: Diet Dr. Pepper.

Mandy: Ok, we'll have that.

Milo rolls on in.

Mandy: HEY! IT'S YOU!

Milo: Oh crap….

Mandy holds her gun up to the pilot's head.

Mandy: Close the door or he dies.

Milo: Uh….uh……well……try and stop the benevolent powers of _Peanut Allergies!_

Milo takes a handful of peanuts and throws them in Mandy's face.

Mandy: ……

Milo: Now we wait……..

Nadia shakes her head.

Mandy: I'm not allergic to peanuts, you fool!

Milo: Uh….._can you pretend?_

Mandy fires her gun. –BANG!-

Milo: EEP!

Milo dives out of the cockpit.

Doyle: I take it you failed miserably.

Milo: It was a sure proof plan!

Doyle: Uh…..no it wasn't.

Milo: Okay, can you come up with something better?

Doyle looks over at one of the passengers.

Doyle: Yeah…..I can.

12:30:31, Doyle and Milo are discussing their new plan / Jack is driving the Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile / Chloe, Morris, Kim and Baxter are walking down a sidewalk in some neighborhood / Logan is running through a grassy field (still).

Michelle: Jack, where exactly are we going?

Jack: I don't know, Michelle…..all I know is……_is that everything is going to be ok!_

The Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile zooms by and into the sunset.

Audrey: Where did that sunset come from? _It's 12:30 in the morning!_

THE END.

Michelle: Uh….Jack?

Jack: Michelle, what's wrong?

Michelle: Are you forgetting something?

Jack: Uh……….no.

Michelle: We were going after Rolando…..

Jack: Oh right………well crap we have to start the show over again…..

Michelle: Oh brother….

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that goodness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Roseanne action figures were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 18

12:00am – 1:00am 'Planes, Trains, And Weinermobiles' 

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!

Fred: You have got to be kidding me.

Paul: It's the only way……

Fred: Just resume the show from where you left off.

Paul: It's out of my hands now, Paul.

Fred: Ugh….

Sam: And away we go!

Beep…..beep…..beep……beep…….bepbepbpepbepbepbpebpepbepbepbe……24!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24……

-SWOOSH-

Jack: We were driving! (JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Nadia: We're held hostage on this stupid plane. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: CTU is falling down! Aaaaah! (Uh…MORE OF THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Audrey: The rest of the episode takes place between 12:30am and 1:00am.

Meanwhile, back in the Weiner-Mobile.

Michelle: Wow, that was _really unnecessary_.

Jack: Well……where to go……

Jack's phone rings. He answers it.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe: Jack, it's Chloe.

Jack: Oh hey, it's been a while since we last talked.

Chloe: Yeah, crazy……

Jack: Yeah.

Chloe: Jack, CTU has fallen apart and we've moved operations.

Jack: To where?

Chloe: Let's see, Morris managed to pull up a new location where we can hide.

Morris: Yea, dahling, _even though you kicked me off of playing SUPER AWESOME QUEST!_...

Chloe: Uh, Morris, the address?

Morris: Oh right, we are going to 5544 Fatbird Lane.

Chloe: Jack, you got that?

Jack: Oh….hold on Chloe, I have another call on the other line.

Chloe: WHAT!?

-CLICK!-

Jack: Yello?!

Man: Hi, may I speak to Jack Bauer?

Jack: This is him.

Man: Hi, I'm a telemarketer and I have a great deal to offer you! You are qualified to win a brand new car!

Jack: Oh boy! What do I have to do?!

Man: Listen to me talk and offer you endless specials and promotions for you to get sucked into.

Jack: Great! Hold on a moment.

-CLICK!-

Jack: Chloe?

Man: No, it's still me.

Jack: Okay….hold on….

-CLICK!-

Jack: Chloe?

Chloe: Yes.

Jack: I'm going to have to let you go, _I have a telemarketer on the other line._

Chloe: WHAT?! You're cutting me off for a telemarketer?!

Jack: Yeah, he's offering me a free car….

Chloe: Jack, that's a steaming pile of….

Jack: Okay, we'll be there at CTU after I get my free car.

Chloe: Ugh….

Jack hangs up. Chloe, Morris, Kim and Baxter are walking down some neighborhood.

Morris: Okay, it's just around this corner.

Kim: Finally, my feet are killing me.

Kim thinks for a second, than plops down on Baxter.

Baxter: AAHH! What are you doing? I'm not a horse!

Kim: Oh come on…..

Chloe: Are you sure this location will work, Morris?

Morris: Oh course dahling.

They reach a house.

Chloe: This place doesn't look so bad.

Morris: Okay, in the backyard we go.

Chloe: The….backyard……

Morris: We have to be quiet, don't want to wake anybody.

Chloe: Morris, people live here?!

Morris: Well, duh!

Chloe: What are we going to do?

Morris: Just follow me.

The four of them walk into the backyard, stumbling upon a….

Baxter: …._a tree house_?

Chloe: You have got to be kidding me…..

12:35:02, back on the plane.

Doyle walks up to the door to the cockpit, he knocks. –KNOCK! KNOCK!-

Mandy: What now?

She leans up against the door.

Mandy: What do you want?

Doyle: Uh…..there's someone here who wants to see you.

Mandy: Who?

Doyle: Uh…….._Look, it's Tom Cruise!_

Mandy: Really?!

Mandy flings the door open……and yet….no Tom Cruise.

Mandy: Hey! I've been duped! That's it….

Mandy cocks her gun, she sees Milo (in disguise) raising his hand.

Milo: Miss! Can I have some peanuts?

Mandy smiles and saunters over to Milo, sitting next to him.

Mandy: Hi there…..

Milo: Hi……

Mandy: _Are you a photographer? I love photographers!_

Milo: Uh…..yes I am…….

Mandy: Can I see your pictures?

Milo: Uh…..yes!

Milo pulls out his photo album.

Milo: This is a collection of my best work….

Mandy flips through some pages……

Mandy: Uh…….

She flips through some more of the pages, then looks on the cover of the book which clearly reads '_The Cat In The Hat By: Dr. Seuss'_.

Milo: Uh……

Mandy (giggling): Nevermind that, follow me…..

Mandy grabs Milo's hand and leads him to the back.

Milo: Uh oh…..

Doyle: Yes!

Doyle gets up and runs into the cockpit.

Nadia: Doyle! What happened to Mandy?

Doyle: She's 'preoccupied'. Pilot guy, land this plane now!

Pilot: Okie Dokie!

The plane starts to slowly turn around to return to the airport.

12:40:44, at a train station.

Logan tries to cover his face as he walks into the lobby of the station. In the crows of people, he sees _Martha Logan_.

Logan: Hello Martha.

Martha: Charles.

Logan: I really appreciate this.

Martha: Whatever, Charles. I can't believe I'm actually helping you…..after what you've done!

Logan: Oh, come on Marti, give me a break! I'm a changed person…..seriously!

Martha: I don't know….

Logan: Listen, last time we saw each other, all I wanted you to do was to call the friggin Suvorov's, _and you stab me in the neck!_

Martha: I was doing the world a favor.

Logan: But come on, I really didn't deserve that…….seriously!

Martha: You know what, I don't think I can help you after all; you need to go back into police custody.

Logan: Oh, I don't think you'll want to do that, Martha.

Martha: ….why not?

Logan: Well, if you turn me in……I'll have to turn you in, because I know _you escaped from the institution_.

Martha: ……I don't know what you're talking about.

Logan pulls out the _WANTED POSTER_ with Martha's mug on it.

Martha: Oh……about that.

Logan: So it's settled, you help me escape, and none of us has to turn the other one in.

Martha: That's kinda…..blackmail, isn't it.

Logan: Sort of, but either way…….

Martha: ……I really don't want to go back there……ok, I'll help you…..but don't try anything funny.

Logan: Promise….

Martha: Okay….here's our tickets. Let's get on board.

Logan and Martha walk past the ticket counters and board the train.

12:44:11, Logan and Martha are sitting down in their seats / Jack runs a red light in the Weiner-Mobile / Chloe, Morris, Kim, and Baxter are setting up things at CTU-Tree House / Milo busts out of the restroom and Mandy pulls him back in.

Milo: EEE!

Meanwhile, in the Weiner-Mobile…..

Michelle: Jack, you just ran a red light……

Jack: We'll be fine…..

(The police lights appear in the rearview mirror) –WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!-

Jack: Hmm……

Michelle: Oh great.

Jack: Don't worry Michelle; I have this under control….

Michelle: That's what I'm worried about.

The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile pulls over to the side as the following police car does the same, the officer steps out of the car and approaches Jack and friends.

Officer: Hello….

Jack: Hello officer, was I speeding?

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Officer: You ran that red light back there….

Jack: Oh, whoops!

Michelle: Uh, Jack, tell him who you are….

Jack: Shh, I got this.

Jack: So…..how much will it cost for me to get out of this?

Michelle: Jack….

Officer: Sir, I don't take bribes.

Jack: Oh…..well, _can I offer you a drink then?_

Jack pulls out a martini glass and a shaker.

Michelle: Oh good lord…..

Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?

Jack: No, but we can! Cheers, mate!

Officer: I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, sir.

Michelle: Dammit!

Michelle leans over.

Michelle: Officer, this is Federal Agent Jack Bauer, we're all apart of CTU.

Officer: Show me some ID.

Michelle: Oh……ID………Id…….uh……..

Jack: Oh right, Rolando took our badges away from us.

Michelle: Crap.

Officer: Step out of the vehicle, now.

Jack: What should I do? Let's take a vote. Tony?

Tony: Run for it.

Jack: Audrey?

Audrey: uh……..I can call my dad….

Jack: Michelle?

Michelle: I hate you.

Jack: We're going with Tony's idea, bye!

Jack slams his foot on the pedal and the Weiner-Mobile peels off –SCREEEEEEEE!-

Officer: HEY!

Michelle: Jack, that was really stupid!

The officer runs back to his car, getting on a radio.

Officer: I'm going to need backup, I have a renegade Weiner-Mobile on the run!...What are you laughing at?...Shut up!

12:50:11, meanwhile on _ze plane, ze plane!_

Doyle: How far are we?

Pilot: We are approaching the runway now……

The plane zooms by as it comes up on the airport.

Air Traffic Controller: Okay you are clear for landing.

Pilot: Yay!

The plane touches ground, meanwhile in the bathroom.

Mandy: What the?!...HEY!..._you're not really a photographer! _You're that one idiot!

She pulls out a gun.

Milo: EEP!

Mandy: What the?!...HEY!...We've landed, oh crap.

Mandy bursts out of the restroom and runs up front to the cockpit, bursting through the doors. –WHAP!-

Doyle: HA! HA! I have foiled your plan!

Mandy shoots both of the pilots. –BANG! BOOM!-

Doyle: Uh…..

Mandy: You'll pay for this.

Mandy raises her gun at Doyle, Nadia kicks her in the shin. –FOINK!-

Mandy: Urgh!

Mandy tumbles as Doyle tackles her, they wrestle.

Doyle: God you're strong……

Mandy: Thanks…….

With the pilots down, the plane starts to veer off the runway, heading toward the airport.

Nadia: Uh…..guys?

Mandy and Doyle are slapping each other. –SLAPPITY!-

Nadia gets up and walks over to the pilot's seat, she 'moves him out of the way' and sits down.

Nadia: Ok...I've got to stop this thing, and fast before the screen splits down to…..

The screen starts to split down at 12:55:12…..

Nadia: Crap a duck!

Nadia is fiddling with controls / Doyle and Mandy are now thumb wrestling…whatever / The plane is zooming toward the airport / Milo closes the restroom door so he can actually use the restroom / Bill and Karen are watching _Buffy The Vampire Slayer_ / Jack is speeding in a high pursuit chase with the Oscar Meyer Weiner-Mobile / Michelle's face is buried in her hands / Audrey and Tony are playing _20 Questions_ / Sherry is being operated on in the E.R / Logan and Martha are looking out the window of the train / Chloe and Morris are working on something at CTU-Treehouse / Kim and Baxter are napping.

Jack: Okay, I think I managed to lose them…….

Michelle: Oh good for you!

Jack: Oh look, we're here!

The Weiner-mobile pulls up in front of a house.

Jack (unbuckling his seatbelt): Ok, everybody out.

Jack, Michelle, Tony, and Audrey step out of the 'Vehicle' and approach the house, a sign on the fence reads 'CTU this way' with an arrow.

Jack: Uh……

Tony: Hmmm……

The group follows the sign and proceed into the backyard, where the treehouse is.

Michelle: This can't be it……

Morris hangs a sign out the window reading 'THE NEW CTU!'

Michelle: Ugh…..

They walk forward and climb the ladder into CTU-Treehouse.

Chloe: Hey guys.

Kim: Hi dad!

Jack: Hi daughter!

Michelle: Seriously, _a treehouse?!_

Audrey: It is kinda cozy in here.

Chloe: It's Morris' fault, but we have to make the best of it I guess.

Baxter: It does seem really familiar…..I can't put my paw on it……

Jack looks out the window, where a young boy exits onto the back patio.

Jack: EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Chloe: Jack, what the hell is wrong with you!?!

Jack points nervously out the window.

The others crowd around the window.

Baxter: -Gasp!- _IT'S HIM!_

Michelle: Who?

Jack: Billy The Psycho!

Chloe: _WHO!?_

Audrey: Who's Billy The Psycho?

Michelle: Jack, I'm confused.

Morris: Oh, dahling, I know who that is!

Jack: That's the little tyrant that made me watch _Full House_ this morning when I was kidnapped!

Chloe: My head hurts….

Jack: He was also working in cahoots with _Ima Mole_ when she blew up CTU this morning too!

Chloe (Sarcastic): Well I tried to warn everyone. "Oh her name's _IMA MOLE_!? That doesn't sound suspicious at all. OH WELL!" (Walks off)

Audrey: Do you think he knows we're here?

Jack: Nah!

Billy looks up at the 8 people crowding his treehouse.

Billy: HEY!

Tony: Jack, I think we've been spotted…..

Jack: Don't worry, just stand _very still_……

Chloe: Jack, he's not a dinosaur! He can probably see us _in the gaping hole in this stupid treehouse!_

Jack: Chloe, _are you negative about everything!?_

Chloe: Hmph!

Back on the plane.

Doyle and Mandy are now arm wrestling.

Doyle: I……must……win……

Mandy: Over……my…..dead……body!

Nadia: I don't know how to stop the plane, we're going to crash!

Doyle and Mandy get up, they bicker over the controls.

Doyle: It's this button!

Mandy: No it's this one!

Nadia: Hurry up already!

Doyle: We can just turn the plane.

Mandy: I don't know…..

Doyle: You don't know!? You know, for a terrorist, your not very well prepared.

Mandy: I'm not a terrorist.

Doyle: WHAT!? Yes you are!

Mandy: Am not!

Doyle: Am too!

Nadia: HELLO!? Airport up ahead!

Doyle and Mandy glance forward, the airplane runs itself through a giant glass window of the airport. –BIG CRASH SHATTER!!!!!!!-

Doyle, Mandy, and Nadia go flying forward. –WHAP!-

Doyle: ACK!

The plane is halfway through the airport, people are running around in a panic, screaming.

Doyle: Oh…..my head…..

Mandy: Ouch…….

Bill enters the cockpit.

Bill: _I just want to tell you both 'good luck'. We're all counting on you_……

He leaves……

Doyle puts his head back down…….

12:59:57  
12:59:58  
12:59:59  
1:00:00

NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24!!!!

-SWOOSH-

A terrorist enters the treehouse.

Terrorists Hubert: HA! HA! I have come to kill you now!

Jack holds his sword up in the air.

Jack: _I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!_

Chloe: No you don't'…..

Jack: Chloe, _what did I tell you about being a Negative Nancy?_

Chloe: _A WHAT?!_

-SWOOSH-

Doyle: Chloe, it's Doyle, Mandy has escaped. I repeat 'Mandy has escaped!'.

Doyle falls out of the plane.

Doyle: AIIIIEEE!!!! –SPLAT-

Karen hits her 'Call Button'.

Karen: Miss! More peanuts, please!

-SWOOSH-

Jack and the gang are held hostage in a warehouse.

Rolando: I have you now, Mr. Bauer. My accomplices will make your deaths slow and painful, ha!

Suddenly, _The Weasels From 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' drive in_.

Jack: What?

The weasels get out and open up a mysterious barrel.

Michelle: _Oh my god, It's DIP!!!!!!!_

Tony: What now?!

Bill: I read that laughter can kill them! So all we have to do is make them _die laughing_…..

Michelle: Hurry Jack, _take your clothes off!_

Jack: _That was extremely rude and uncalled for!_

Michelle: I thought it was rather humorous myself……

Chloe: Must….kill……the writers…….

24 CONTINUTES WITH AN ALL NEW HOUR, NEXT WEEK……beep……beep…….beep……beep…….beep…….beep……..


	19. 1:00am 'Carnivale'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that great goodies, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No cast members from 'Step By Step' were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 19

1:00am – 2:00am 'Carnivale'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred: Welcome to another thrilling episode of 24.

Sam: _This episode has been brought to you by the letter H_.

Fred: What?

Sam: That's…..what the show has…..been brought to them by……

Fred: What are you talking about? The letter 'H'? What the hell does that mean, anyway?

Paul: This show has also been brought to you by the number 12.

Fred: -Groan-

Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, and Ernie walk into the writer's room.

Fred: Uh…..

Big Bird: What the hell do you think you're doing!?

Paul: …….uh……

Elmo: Yea! Elmo doesn't like _copyright infringement!_

Fred: uh….How…..did you get in here?

Big Bird: We've been watching your little 'Show' you have going on here, and we're tired of you ripping off everything.

Fred: What are you talking about?

Big Bird: Well, we've seen you make your _Rainbow Brite, Barbie, Brady Bunch, _and references to god only knows what else. But you leave _Sesame Street _alone…….or else!

Fred and Paul look at each other.

Fred: Or else……..what?

Elmo: _We're going to mess you up!_

The writers fall over laughing.

Paul: HA! HA! HA! HA!

Big Bird: ………

Fred: Heh, that's rich.

Sam: Tee hee!

Big Bird: That's it! Okay men……grab em!

Fred: WHAT!?

Elmo grabs Paul, Bert grabs Ernie.

Big Bird: Uh……..

Bert: Oh right….sorry.

Bert grabs Fred, Ernie grabs Sam.

Fred: What are you going to do to us!?

Big Bird: Teach you guys a lesson!

Fred: Great.

Big Bird: Take them away!

Fred: ACK! You can't do this! Don't we have security or something!?!

They leave as Big Bird walks around the writer's room.

Big Bird: '24' will now be under my control, MWA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Meanwhile, the writer's are being dragged down the halls of the FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Sam: What are we going to do?

Fred: Hell, I don't know…..

Paul: _Initiate Opening Title Sequence!_

Fred: Oh, shut up……..

Beep……beep…….beep…….beep…….bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpepbe……24!!!!

Bill: Previously on 24……….

-SWOOSH-

Mandy: Fly this plane now!

She leaves, Doyle enters.

Doyle: Land this plane, now!

Pilot: AAAAH! I don't know which one to do!

Doyle: Oh geez….. (MIKE DOYLE AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

Milo: I have to knock out this stewardess in order for us to take the plane down!

Karen: Bill and I have to get fresh peanuts! So I need to knock her unconscious!

Amy The Stewardess: Uh…..do I get a say in any of this?

Milo and Karen: NO!

Amy: okay……… (AMY THE STEWARDESS WHO IS ABOUT TO GET KNOCKED UNCONCIOUS BY……)

Karen: Her Royal Highness….. (KAREN HAYES)

Karen: That's right!

Milo: Ugh….. (MILO PRESSMAN)

-SWOOSH-

Michelle: We have to get out of here!

Jack: I have an idea. (JACK BAUER)

Various horses jump out the window and kill themselves.

Jack: That didn't work……

Rolando escapes and flees off.

Audrey: He's getting away.

Jack: Not if I can help it.

The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile zooms by. (THE OSCAR MEYER WEINER MOBILE)

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: Jack, its Chloe. CTU has fallen apart, Sherry is hospitalized, Logan in gone, and we've moved operations into someone's tree house. This night has officially turned to crap. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Jack: On our way!

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Where did you find this place?

Morris: I 'Google-d' it.

Jack: Good for you.

Michelle: Hey, who's that?

The group crowds around the window of the tree house and see _Billy The Psycho Kid_ enter the backyard.

Jack: Zoinks!

Billy: HEY! (BILLY THE PSYCHO KID WHO KIDNAPPED JACK WAY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON AND FORCED HIM AGAINST HIS WILL TO WATCH ENDLESS EPISODES OF 'FULL HOUSE' WHICH DAMNED NEAR KILLED HIM)

Jack: Amen to that, brother.

Michelle slaps her forehead. –SMACK!-

-SWOOSH-

Doyle: This isn't over….

Mandy: No, it's not……

Doyle: It ends tonight…..

Mandy: It does…..prepare to be destroyed.

Doyle and Mandy proceed in playing an extremely intense game of _Candyland_!

Nadia: What are you guys doing!? We're going to crash!

Doyle: You know, I forgot how to play this….

Mandy: It's friggin _Candyland!_ It's not that hard, Yeesh!

The airplane crashes into the airport, the _Candyland _board goes flying.

Doyle: Oh well, that's okay, I have _Scrabble!_

Nadia: Oh crap, anything but that!

Doyle: Who said you were playing?

Nadia: Rude!

People are running around the airport screaming.

Chloe: The following takes place between 1:00am and 2:00am

People are running around the airport screaming….still. Meanwhile, back on the plane, Mandy wakes up after being unconscious for 10 seconds.

Mandy: I have to get out of here, now's my chance!

Mandy gets up and stumbles out of the cockpit, she steals a bag of peanuts from the snack cart while making her way to the back of the plane. She reaches in an overhead compartment to grab a bag. Reaching the exit, she opens her bag pulling out explosives to line the exit door with. After arming the door, Mandy reaches over to a side compartment and pulls out a bomb arming it.

Mandy: _It's a good thing all these things were on the plane already._ I would've never got it past airport security!

She pulls out a black jumpsuit and puts it on, followed by a helmet and some goggles. With the explosives ready to blow, the holds a type of detonator in her hand, set to explode the C4 stuff outlining the door so she can escape. She presses the detonator…….

-KABOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!- Confetti flies everywhere!

Mandy: What the hell!?

She looks over at the bomb that reads 'Party Bomb'.

Mandy: Oh, dammit! They put in the wrong bomb!

Doyle wakes up and notices Mandy is gone.

Doyle: Uh oh.

He bursts out the door and sees her swarming in a sea of confetti. He runs to the back of the plane, grabbing a bag of peanuts off the snack cart.

Mandy: Oh, screw this!

Mandy gets up and opens the door; she jumps for it, splatting on the runway. –SPLAT!-

Mandy: Ow….

She manages to get herself back up, and walks around for a bit. She notices a man driving a luggage cart.

Mandy: Uh…..HEY!!

The man pulls over to her.

Mandy: Can you give me directions to….

She knocks him unconscious, throwing him out of the vehicle.

Doyle: Mandy! Stop! Don't run away!

Mandy: Yeah, right!

She hops in and drives off.

Doyle: Dang……oh, I guess I can go check on Nadia.

He heads back in.

Karen: That was a terrible flight.

Bill: It sure was……

Milo: Yeah.

A man approaches Milo.

Photographer: Those are my clothes, jerk!

Milo: I don't know what you're talking about.

Photographer: GRR!

The man grabs Milo and drags him to the back.

Milo: EEK!

1:05:12 CTU2…..or is it 4……I lost count.

Michelle: What are we going to do about this kid?

Jack: I know, we'll kill him!

Baxter: Works for me…..

Michelle: No, no….we can't do that……

Billy enters the tree house, fuming.

Billy: What are all you people doing here?!

Chloe: Uh……

Billy (to Jack): Aren't you the guy I had held hostage yesterday morning?

Jack (wearing a fake mustache): Nope, don't know what you're talking about.

Chloe (ripping it off): Take that off… -RIP!-

Jack: Ow…..

Billy (to Baxter): And aren't you the dog I used to have?

Baxter: Don't remind me….

Billy: Either way, get out or I'm telling!...Just kidding……_I'll just kill you all_.

Morris: Confident little runt, isn't he?

Michelle: Listen, we are in the middle of a major operation, we just need to use your tree house just for a little bit.

Chloe: Michelle, don't trust him! He worked with _Ima Mole!_

Billy: Uh……who?

Chloe: Oh, stop pretending you forgot!

Billy: I was brainwashed!

Chloe: You are so lying!

Billy: Am not!

Chloe: Are too!

Billy: Am not!

Chloe: Are too!

Michelle: Enough! Listen, can we please use this…..place…..we'll be out of here in no time.

Billy: What do I get out of it?

Michelle: Whoever we bring in you get to torture personally.

Billy: Allright! You guys can stay. However, I want to be up here with you guys as well.

Chloe: Uh….

Michelle: Whatever, we just need to find Rolando.

Billy: I can help!

Billy leaves the tree house.

Michelle: Ooookay. Anyway, has anybody heard from Bill and Doyle, or Nadia and Milo for that matter?

Chloe: Before CTU collapsed, Milo went to go take Karen to the airport, Nadia went after him because he forgot his phone and we never heard from her again.

Michelle: Okay, get Doyle on the phone.

Michelle looks out the door of the tree house to see Billy dragging someone across the backyard; he throws him up against the fence. –WHAP!-

Terrorist Ed: Traitor! What do you think you're doing?!

Billy: Where is Rolando!? –SMACK!-

Terrorist Ed: I won't tell you!

Billy: Very well…..MOM!!!! Where's my TV?!

Mother: It's in the garage, sweetie!

Billy: You'll talk…….

Billy runs off.

Jack: Uh oh, I know that look. Hide!

Jack hides under a desk.

Billy wheels out a television set and pops a tape in.

Terrorist Ed: Uh….what are you doing?

Billy: Trying to get you to talk…..

_Hanna Montana _starts playing on the TV.

Ed: AAAHHHHH!!!! Anything but that!

-TV-

Hanna Montana: Oh, _I love being a super star singer!_ I'm rich, beautiful; _Billy Ray Cyrus_ is my dad. Life is super swell!

Weird Friend: _Is that your_….._final answer?_

They both laugh.

Terrorist Ed: MY EYES!!!!! Okay……I'll tell you……….he has a secret hideout at the Circus a few miles north of the highway. He's there now…..

Michelle: Wow…..he's good.

Jack: Whatever.

Billy climbs back up to the tree house.

Billy: There you go.

Michelle: Thanks!

Jack: Okay, we need to get ready to go to this Circus place. Chloe, you're deathly afraid of clowns, so you better go with me.

Chloe: Great, thanks. (Rolls eyes)

Jack: And…….Tony and Michelle.

Tony: YAY!

Michelle: Fine. But remember guys, we're not there to play.

Jack: Yes we are.

Michelle: Jack! No we're not.

Jack: Okay.

Michelle turns around. Jack nods his head 'Yes' to Tony. He grins.

Michelle: Jack!

Jack: What?!

Michelle: We're on business!

Jack: Fine, fine!

Michelle turns back around. Jack holds up a sign reading 'We're going to play at the circus! YAY!' Tony smiles. Michelle shoots back around as Jack flips the sign over reading 'I 'heart' Michelle'.

Michelle: Hmph!

Jack: Okay, team let's go!

Jack, Chloe, Tony and Michelle leave.

1:15:23, Jack and the others steal Billy's mother's car / Doyle and the other's are sitting in the airport terminal while paramedics are running about / Logan and Martha are riding in the train / Audrey chills in at CTU with Kim and Baxter while Morris is randomly typing.

Doyle is sitting with Nadia, Milo, Bill and Karen. His phone rings. –RING!-

Doyle: Doyle.

Michelle: Mike, it's Michelle.

Doyle: Yes?

Michelle: We have a lead on Rolando that Jack and I are heading toward.

Tony: What are we, chopped liver?

Chloe: Pretty much.

Michelle: CTU has collapsed and has moved their location. Get a hold of Morris for the address.

Doyle: Okay, is Sherry there?

Michelle: She's in the hospital.

Doyle: Ah….

Michelle: Oh, and get Karen on a plane back to D.C to keep her safe.

Karen: Being the most important cast member, that is a priority!

Milo: Oh shut up!

Karen: You shut up!

Milo: GRR!

They start slapping each other, making Bill spill his nachos.

Bill: Oh great, thanks a lot.

Michelle: Put Bill on the phone.

Doyle hands Bill his phone.

Bill: Hellooo?

Michelle: Bill, you are now appointed as director of CTU.

Bill: Hooray!

Michelle: You, Nadia, and Milo go ahead and head back to the tree house when Morris gives you the address.

Bill: Tree house?

Doyle grabs the phone.

Doyle: Okay, we'll get on it. –CLICK-

Michelle: Uh….I wasn't done talking, jerk!

Doyle: Okay. Karen, I'm going to escort you to a plane to get you back to D.C. Because I'm sure Noah and Tom are pretty peeved about not getting any screen time these past few episodes.

Bill: And Nadia, Milo, and I will head back to CTU.

Doyle: Sounds like a plan, now I just need to get CTU's new address.

Bill: Does anyone have a napkin; I have nacho cheese all over my pants.

Milo: Because of Karen!

Karen: Oooooh, you'll pay for that!

The start slapping each other again, making Bill spill his Coke on himself. –SPLASH!-

Bill: Man, I should probably just get new pants.

1:20:33, on the train.

Charles and Martha Logan are sitting across from each other.

Logan: So……how are you?

Martha: Fine…..I guess.

Logan: Great…….so………how did you escape?

Martha: The neglected to put bars on my bathroom window.

Logan: Idiots.

They both chuckle.

Martha: What about you?

Logan: I guess when CTU blew up yesterday morning the people putting it back together didn't know what they we're doing…..

Martha: Oh well….

Logan: Where is this train going, anyway?

Martha: You know, I never bothered to check.

Logan: Oh well, I don't care. Just as long as it takes me far away from here.

They both sit there when Logan notices someone in the next cabin who looks familiar.

Martha: What's wrong?

Logan: There's a man up there…..he looks familiar……I can't put my finger on it though.

Martha reads the newspaper, turning to the comics.

Martha: Oh, _Marmaduke_, you're so crazy……a lot better than _Apartment 3-G_ or _Mary Worth_, those aren't funny at all.

Logan: They're not meant to be.

Martha: Oh.

Logan: I got it! That's _Harry Love!_

Martha leans over to look.

Martha: The President Of Australia? Are you sure?

Logan: I'm pretty sure; I don't know the woman who's with him though.

Martha: -Gasp!- Charles, you don't think that Australian President Harry Love is having an affair do you?

Logan: I don't know, Martha, maybe.

Martha: We should ask.

Logan: WHAT!? _You don't ask someone that!_

Martha: Why not?

Logan: You would honestly walk up to a man and ask 'Excuse me, _are you cheating on your wife?!_'

Martha: It's the polite thing to do, Charles.

Logan: No it's not. That's probably not him anyway.

Martha: I don't know, Charles that looks like secret service with him.

Logan: I know, go find out.

Martha: Are you sure?

Logan: Yeah. But don't ask him if he's having an affair.

Martha: Oh all right.

Martha gets up and walks over to the next compartment.

1:25:01, Billy's Mom's Car pulls up to the entrance of the Carnival.

Jack: There's nobody here.

Michelle: Well, yeah, it's almost 1:30 in the morning.

Jack: Oh.

Chloe: God, I hate these things.

Jack: Come on Chloe, I'll try to win you a stuffed bear!

Michelle: Remember Jack, we're not here to play……._is that a cotton candy stand?_

Jack: It is.

Michelle: Oh, I love cotton candy!...No, we have work to do.

Jack: Come on, Michelle, he's not going anywhere. He doesn't even know we're here.

Tony: And look Michelle, _Ski Ball!_

Michelle: Aw, I love Ski Ball……._well; I guess one game won't kill us._

Jack: That's the spirit!

Meanwhile, someone is spying on the group with binoculars. The man gets up and runs into a nearby shack.

Man: Mr. Callahan, we have company.

Rolando: Is it Bauer?

Man: Yes.

Rolando: You know what to do…..

Man: Yes……..actually I don't.

Rolando: Are you serious? We went over this a hundred times!

Man: Sorry, I must've forgot!

Rolando: Ugh…..

1:30:12 Jack, Tony, and Chloe are throwing balls at milk jugs / Bill, Nadia, and Milo are driving back to CTU / Doyle is escorting Karen to a helicopter / Logan is watching Martha talk to who he thinks is Harry Love.

Doyle: Okay, Mrs. Hayes, Buchanan, or whatever you're going by. This helicopter will take you back.

Karen: _To Washington D.C._ Won't that take forever?

Doyle: No, it's a really fast helicopter.

Karen: Oh, that's good then.

Doyle heads off as Karen boards the helicopter.

Pilot: I'll be right back, Mrs. Hayes, Buchanan, or whatever. I have to run to the restroom.

Karen: Have fun.

Pilot: Oh, and I'm going to set you up on videophone, the President wants to speak with you.

Karen: Oh goody.

The pilot sets up the videophone for her before heading out of the plane. Noah appears on screen.

Noah: Karen, it's good that you're safe.

Karen: I'm glad I'm safe too.

Noah: Uh….right. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize.

Karen: For what?

Noah: For not believing you earlier, when you tried to warn us.

Karen: Huh?

Noah: Before the press conference.

Karen: I'm not following.

Noah: Geez. You said you received a call from David Palmer…..

Karen: Oh right. Then you didn't believe me and I knocked out a maid and pretended to be her then got kidnapped then worked at IHOP got thrown in a prison, escaped with CTU, got held hostage again…

Noah: Yeah, we don't need a recap.

Karen: Well fine.

Noah: Just, with everything that has happened today, I should've believed you.

Karen: So you do believe that David Palmer called me!

Noah: No…..because that still doesn't make any sense!

Karen: Then…..why are you calling me?

Noah: To wish you a good flight.

Karen: Thanks………_David._

Noah: No problem…..

Noah rips off his mask to reveal himself as _David Palmer_………WHAT?!

Fred: _You are not bringing David Palmer back_!

Paul: _Please_?! He's the only decent president we've had, and one that has lasted more than 1 season.

Fred: How's that?

Paul: Well, first we had David Palmer, who was great but resigned after season 3 and got shot in season 5. Then Prescott took over and then got blown up in a plane, then Logan took over and he was evil, then Wayne took over but got blown up while giving a speech, who is now comatose, then Rolando took over and he's evil, then Ronald took over and got shot by _Robot Sherry Palmer_…

Fred: Enough, we don't need a recap.

Paul: Well fine.

Fred: Where the hell are we?

Paul: Remember, we were captured by the denizens of _Sesame Street_ at the beginning of the episode.

Fred: Are you serious?! _We're still in that stupid subplot?_! Give me a break!

Big Bird: HEY! No talking back there!

Fred: Ugh……Just……re-do it.

Paul: Fine.

Noah: Whatever, see you when you get back here.

Karen: _Okily-Dokily Neighborino!_ Say hi to Tom for me.

Tom: What, do I not get any lines?!

Noah: You get that one.

Tom: Ugh…

Noah: And that one…..

Karen turns off the videophone.

Karen: Where the hell is that pilot?

1:35:04, Back at _Morris' Castle_…..

Baxter: _Morris' Castle?_

Morris: Yes, I changed the name. It's much better in my opinion.

Baxter: You know, that isn't going to fly when Chloe or Michelle get back.

Billy The Psycho: Yeah, I've only been a part of the group for 30 minutes and even I knew that.

Morris: Well, Chloe and Michelle aren't here, now are they? I'm in charge now, dahling. (He sticks his tongue out) So……._pppppppbbbbbbttttt! _

Baxter: Dude! Stop spitting, you're getting germs everywhere!

Morris: By the way, kid, that reminds me. You don't have any soap in your tree house bathroom to wash my hands with.

Billy: _What's soap?_

Baxter: _OH THAT'S JUST GREAT!_ (Cringing) Ooooh, the germs…….the germs…….I feel icky……

The phone rings, Morris picks it up.

Morris: O'Brian.

Chloe: Morris! I just got a confirmation call from UPS on my cell phone saying they couldn't find the address to _Morris' Castle!_

Morris: Oh, it's really easy to find. If they just take the side road down….

Chloe: That's not the point! Change the name back to CTU, or at least something _not incredibly stupid!_

Morris: How about _Chloe's House Of Eternal Doom and Suffering!_?

Chloe: It has a nice ring to it, but forget it! Just change it back to CTU….

Morris: Fine, bye dahling.

He hangs up.

Baxter: Well…..

Morris: She loves it….

A car whizzes around the corner and stops in front of a house.

Bill: This looks like it.

Nadia: This is where CTU is located now?

Bill: I followed Morris' instructions. Let's check it out.

Bill, Milo, and Nadia get out of the car and walk up to the front door of the house.

Bill: I thought we were looking for a tree house? Oh well.

Bill reaches for the doorbell when Milo slaps his hand away. –SMACK!-

Bill: OW! What the hell did you do that for?

Milo: You can't just go on ringing people's doorbells at (looks at watch) almost 2:00 in the morning, people could be asleep!

Bill: This is a matter of national security!

Nadia and Milo: _It is?_

Bill: We need to get to CTU and stop Rolando Callahan from hurting any more innocent animals!

Nadia: I beg your pardon?

Milo: Well, it's rude to wake up whoever is in there!

Bill: Then what do you suggest?

Milo: You throw a stone at their window to get their attention.

Nadia: I think waking up the residents of this house is a little better than damaging their property, Milo!

Milo: Watch!

Nadia: Milo, you can't throw a rock up there!

Milo: Oh you're just bitter about what happened _last time_.

Bill: What happened last time?

Nadia: Forget it.

Bill: No! (Whines) I wanna know! Cooome oooonnn…….. (Jumps up and down)

Nadia: Oh fine, roll the flashback.

-FLASHBACK-

Nadia is asleep in her bed, with her _My Little Pony comforter_…..which is just disturbing.

Nadia: It's comfortable, jerk!

Suddenly, there's a tap at the window. –TAP!-

Nadia: Hmm? Oh well, it's probably nothing.

-TAP!...TAP!-

Nadia: Hmm…..oh well, I guess I can see what it is…..

Nadia slowly gets out of her bed to investigate the mysterious tapping at her window.

Nadia: Hey…..someone is tossing a rock at my window…..oooh, _how romantic!_

Nadia opens the window.

Nadia: I have opened this window, my prince charming!

Suddenly, a gigantic boulder comes flying through the window, crushing Nadia. –SPLAT!-

Nadia: Uuuuugh…..

Milo: Whoops!

Milo was standing outside with several workers and his _Medieval Catapult_.

Worker: Shall we load another one, sir?

Milo: No, we better skedaddle…..I fear my days are already numbered after this stunt. Run for it!

They haul……

-FIN-

Bill: Was he trying to ask you out for a date or something?

Nadia: Actually he misplaced his _3 Musketeers_ and for some odd reason he thought I would know where it was.

Bill (slightly kicking the ground guiltily): The _3 Musketeers_ that was lying next to the copy machine?

Nadia: Yeah, that was it…..HEY!

Bill: Uh…._ringing doorbell!_

-BING! BONG!-…..

Bill: ….

Nadia: That boulder hurt, you know…..

Bill: Yeah, well _we all have problems_, Nadia….

Nadia: Hmph!

The door opens, Billy's mother stands there.

Mother: May I help you?

Nadia: Um….hi I'm Nadia Yassir…..

Bill: And I'm _Captain Fantabulous! Destroyer of Evil, Bringer of Peace!_

Nadia shoots him a confused look.

Nadia: What the hell are you doing?!

Bill: I decided it would be best to use an alias. So we don't blow our cover….

Nadia: _We're not under cover, stupid!_

Bill: Oh……._she's Captain Fantabulous._ (Pointing to Nadia)

Nadia: Ugh….

Mother: May I help you?

Nadia: We are from CTU….

Mother: C….T…U? Never heard of it…….

Bill: We were trying to find…..(he looks at a sheet of paper)….._Morris' Castle_.

Nadia: What?

Mother: Hmmm…..sounds like something my son would come up with. He's in the backyard up in his tree house with some friends that look old, _like her_……but not as old as you…..

Nadia: HEY!

Bill: Why thank you. I do look quite good for _27_, don't you think, Nadia?

Nadia (gritting her teeth): _You are not 27!_

Bill (to the mother): Jealously is a terrible thing……._it can cause crow's feet!_

Nadia: You have grey hair!

Bill: It's _platinum, _my dear.

Nadia: God, I hate you!

Mother: Well, he's in the back. Bye!

She closes the door.

Nadia: All that and we could've just broke into the back yard.

Bill: It's common courtesy. This way, grandma!

Nadia: _AND STOP CALLING ME 'GRANDMA!'_

A rock bonks Nadia in the head.

Nadia: Milo! I'm going to kill you.

Milo is standing off to the side with his _Medieval Catapult _and his workers.

Milo: Crap! I hit Nadia again! I'm in trouble now!

Worker: Shall we load up the boulder, sir?

Milo: No! Haven't you learned anything from last time!?

Worker: No….

Milo: Well, neither have I. _READY_……_AIM_………..

Bill opens the fenced gate into the backyard and proceeds on through as Nadia gets _squashed by another boulder_. –SPLAT!-

Nadia: BLLLECK!

Milo: Damn! I suck at this.

Bill walks though the back yard and up the ladder into the tree house.

Morris stops him at the door.

Morris: The password?

Bill (smiling confidently): I'm the director now; I don't need a password!

Morris: Oh crap, that's right. Go on in……

Bill walks into 'CTU' and sees Audrey, Kim, and Baxter.

Bill: Well, _this is depressing_.

Audrey: Thanks, we love you too…..

Milo (with bandages from Nadia-beatings) and Nadia (with…..boulder……marks?) enter CTU as well.

Bill: Try to pinpoint Jack's location and send backup as soon as possible. We can't let Rolando get away, I don't know how much more _beauty sleep _I can lose.

Nadia: Feh!

Bill turns to Billy.

Bill: Uh…..

Billy: Hi!

Bill: Uh…..

Billy: Why are you staring at me like that?!

Bill: What….is….._that!?_

Billy: Hey!

Morris: Oh, dahling, this is the kid's tree house. He's letting us use it until we find somewhere else to play.

Bill: Well, he can't stay.

Billy: Why not?!

Bill: Because you're a kid! Begone!

Kim: Hey! I'm a kid too!

Baxter: No you're not!

Kim: Yes I am!

Audrey: Yeah, Kim, aren't you 30-something by now?

Kim: WHAT!? I most certainly am not!..._I'm a perky 17 year old innocent girl with hopes and dreams for the future!_

Baxter and Audrey try their best to keep from laughing.

Kim: Shut up……

Billy: My tree house, I stay!

Bill: You can't be up here! Shoo! Shoo!

Billy: You'll pay for this…….dearly……

Billy The Psycho storms out of the tree house, fuming. Morris and the others look at each other nervously.

1:40:12, Meanwhile, at The Carnival Amusement Circus Park…..

Tony and Michelle are standing at the 'World's Strongest Man' game.

Michelle: Okay, Tony. The object of the game is to take the giant hammer….

Tony: What giant hammer?

Michelle (sighs): The one in your hand….

Tony: Oh….

Michelle: And 'hit' the target as hard as you can. And get the little thing to go all the way to the top and hit the bell. If you win……you win something!

Tony: Sounds good.

Tony swings the hammer down as hard as he could.

Tony: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! –SMASH!-

Michelle looks at Tony.

Tony: How did I do?

Michelle: Uh……pretty bad.

Tony: I did?

Michelle: Yeah, Tony……you didn't hit the target……_you weren't even close._

Tony: Hmm…..

Tony pulls out his gun and shoots the bell. –BANG!...DING!-

Michelle tenses up as Tony holsters his gun.

Tony: Yay! I win!

Michelle: Tony! What are you doing? If you go around shooting things we might get spotted.

Tony: Oh……..

Michelle: Well…..you win that giant stuffed bear.

Tony: Yay!

Tony runs over and grabs the bear, handing it to Michelle.

Michelle: Aw….thanks Tony.

Tony: Okay, _my shoes are tied_! Thanks for holding that for me….gimme!

He jerks the stuffed bear out of Michelle's hands. –YOINK!-

Michelle: HEY!

Tony: Kidding…..kidding……

Michelle: Hmph…..Okay…..let's go see where the others are at.

Tony and Michelle are walking through the deserted amusement park.

Tony: You know, if there's nobody here. _Why are we playing the games for prizes_? Can't we just….take them?

Michelle: Now what would be the fun in that?

Meanwhile, Jack is ready to throw a ball at the target…._with Chloe in the dunk tank._

Chloe: Jack! I really, really, don't want to do this. The water looks very cold…..

Jack: Steady………steady…….

Chloe: _Jack! Are you listening to me!?_

Jack: Ready…….aim……

Chloe: JACK!?

Jack: HYA!

Jack hurls the ball…..missing terribly.

Chloe: Whew!...Okay Jack, fun's over. I think we need to…..

Another ball whizzes past the target.

Chloe: EEP! Jack, stop it! I want out of here!

Yet another ball whizzes by.

Chloe: Jack, for the record, _you throw like a girl_. But besides that, let me out of here!

Jack: Oh, screw this…..

Jack walks up and presses the target with his hand. Chloe gets dumped into the icy cold water.

Chloe: AHHHH!! COLD!!!! EEEEE!

Jack: Man, I hate how these games cheat you…….

Meanwhile, back with Tony and Michelle.

Tony: Where the hell are they?

Michelle: I don't know…..they should be around here somewhere?

A gunshot rings through the air, a bullet barely missing Tony. –BANG!-

Tony: EEEE!

Michelle: What the?!

Tony and Michelle spot a guard aiming at them.

Michelle: Crap! Rolando must know we're here!

Tony: You know, _I never had an Indian Taco_…..I wonder if they're any good…..

Michelle: We don't have time for that.

Michelle searches herself…..

Michelle: Dang, I must've left my gun in the car….._or the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile_….

Tony: I have a gun.

Tony slowly reaches for his gun, aiming it at the shooter.

Tony: _Do you feel lucky_……_punk!?_

Michelle: That was lame…..

Tony pulls the trigger……AND NOTHING HAPPENS!

Michelle: What?!

Tony (yelling in her ear): _HE SAID "NOTHING HAPPENS!!!"_

Michelle: Ow…..dammit Tony! You have no bullets.

Tony: Yeah, I have 1.

Michelle: You 'had' 1.

Tony: No 'have'.

Michelle: 'Had'.

Tony: 'How'?

Michelle: 'HOW'?!

Tony: 'Who?!'

Michelle: Shut up! You 'had' 1 bullet, and then you shot the ringer to win me the bear…..

Tony: Well, _it was my bear_…..

Michelle: Forget it! Just run before we get killed…..

Tony: _About that_….

Michelle: MOVE!

Michelle grabs Tony and they bolt across the emptiness of the park into a nearby building. The shooter walks calmly after them.

Michelle: We should be safe in here….

Michelle turns around to see _a hundred visions of Tony before her_.

100 Tonys: HI MICHELLE!

Michelle: Oh god, _what was in that cotton candy!?_

Tony: Isn't this cool Michelle? There are mirrors everywhere.

Michelle: Oh…..it's the 'House Of Mirrors'……oh wait….I hate these……

Michelle steps forward before smacking into her reflection. –SMACK!-

Michelle: Ow……

Michelle's Reflection: Watch where you're going! (Storms off)

Michelle: Okay, _now I'm losing it_…….

Chloe climbs out of the dunk tank trying to dry herself off.

Chloe: I'm going to kill you one of these days, Jack.

Jack: _That's our Chloe! HA! HA! HA!_

The _Studio Audience laughs._

Chloe (looking around, confused): Where's that coming from?!

Rolando's voice sounds over the P.A speaker.

Rolando: Mr. Bauer….so glad you could join us.

Jack: He's getting away!

He turns to a group of _Superheroes behind him_.

Jack: Ready, _JUSTICE LEAGUE!_?

Batguy: _My legs hurt_…..

Blunder Woman: _I have bunions!_

Spider Dude: _My nose is cold!_

Jack: God, _you people suck!_ Well, Chloe I guess it's up to us.

Chloe: Super….

Jack: Come back here!

Jack runs off towards the Ferris Wheel.

Chloe starts to walk off _before a clown steps in front of her_.

Chloe: EEP!

Bozone The Clown: Hey there little girl; _would you like a stuffed animal._

He pulls out a switchblade knife. –SHINK!-

Chloe: AAAHHH!

Chloe knees the Clown '_Where It Really Hurts'_ and takes off running the other way.

Clown: URG……(He falls to the ground).

Chloe is running as fast as she can through the park. She looks around before taking refuge in a nearby building.

Chloe: Whew…..

Tony: Hi Chloe!

Chloe: Oh, hey Tony.

She turns around.

Tony: Hi Chloe!

Chloe: Uh………

Chloe slowly spins around to find hundreds of Tonys surrounding her.

Chloe: Ugh, _this is nauseating_….

Michelle: Chloe! Are you okay?

Chloe: Yeah…..where are you…..I'm trapped in these stupid mirrors…..

Michelle: So am I….

Tony: I'm not!

Michelle: Shut up, Tony. Yes you are.

Chloe, Michelle, and Tony walks around trying to find their way out, bumping into their reflections. –BUMP!...BANG!...CRASH!-

Chloe: Ow, dammit……

Michelle: Okay Michelle, you can do this…..

Michelle places her hands on the mirror and slowly guides herself through the maze.

Tony: Uh….Michelle?

Michelle: Not now, Tony. You're breaking my concentration.

Tony: Michelle?...I think there's someone else here…..

Michelle: Huh?

Michelle turns around to see the shooter right behind her.

Michelle: ACK!

He points his gun and pulls the trigger. –BANG!...SHATTER!-

Michelle: Huh?

The mirror in front of her shatters into a million pieces.

Michelle: That was close…..

Gunshots followed by shattering mirrors start being heard. –BANG! BANG! CRASH! SHATTER!-

Chloe: Who the hell is doing that?!

Michelle: It's one of Rolando's hitmen, we have to get out of here.

Tony: _MARCO!_

Shooter:_ POLO!_

Michelle: Oh, for crying out loud.

Chloe is feeling around the mirrors in a panic for an exit.

Chloe: Come on…..come on.

The mirror in front of her breaks. –CRASH!-

Chloe: AHH!

She turns around and runs smack into another mirror.

Chloe: OOF!

Tony: You guys! I found the exit!

Michelle: Get help or something.

Tony: Aw, but I wanted to get a _corn dog on a stick!_

Michelle: TONY!

Tony: Oh fine….

Tony turns to run before being stopped by Bozone The Clown.

Tony: Oh biscuits!

The clown holds up an AK-47 machine gun at Tony.

Bozone: _Say hello to my little friend_….

Tony: Oh, now _that_ was lame…..oh crap….

Tony runs back into the hall of mirrors.

Tony: Michelle, Chloe, hit the floor, now!

They all drop down to the ground as Bozone lets loose a barrage of bullets into the house of mirrors; billions of shards are flying everywhere. –KASHATTER!-

Chloe (pieces falling over her): ACK!

Tony: Man, this guy is going to have _bad luck_ forever…….

The shooter (the first one) gets shot and falls to the ground next to Chloe.

Chloe: Oh!...

She quickly crawls to the downed gunman and grabs his pistol. Managing to squirm her way to a clear shot of the clown, she pulls the trigger. –BANG!-

Bozone: Urk……..(He collapses)

Chloe: Whew……

Michelle and Tony get up in the empty room now filled with shards of broken mirror.

Tony: Well, this thing _is much easier to navigate now_……

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Tony: Hey, where did Jack go?

Chloe: Oh crap, he ran after Rolando to the Ferris Wheel!

Michelle: We better get moving…..

Tony: Can we still stop by the _corn dog on a stick_ stand?

Michelle: Fine, whatever.

Tony: Cool!...

1:50:23, back on the runway.

Karen is still sitting in the helicopter….

Karen: Geez, that pilot sure has been in the bathroom a long time…..

Karen starts to move when she hears people talking.

Karen: Hmm……time to be……sneaky…..

She grabs a nearby glass, wherever that came from, and holds it up to the side of the helicopter so she can hear the conversation more clearly…..what?!

Man 1: So….._did you kill the chopper pilot?_

Man 2: Yeah……Good thing his clothes fit me.

Karen: EEP!

Karen gasps, before shoving a _Fig Newton_ in her mouth. –MUNCH!-

Man 1: Will the Homeland Security Woman know?

Man 2: She shouldn't. But don't worry…..I'll take care of her….

Karen: Double EEP!

Man 1: President Love should be back in the city by now. I hope he gets Bauer for what he did yesterday?

Karen: Triple EEP!

Man 2: Uh…..what did he do again?

Man 1: He killed the Australian Consul.

Man 2: Oh right……man, he's really bad at that…..

Man 1: Oh well……I'm not worried; _the person he is going to take hostage will have Jack running_ _right into his trap_…….

Karen: Oh no! This is terrible….._I'm missing Wheel Of Fortune!_

Karen hurriedly makes her way over the pilot's seat onto his side of the chopper where the man can't see her. She opens the door, sliding out very carefully.

Karen: Uh…..

Karen drops to the runway. She looks around, not knowing what to do next.

Karen: I have to warn Bill! But……how do I get out of here?

She takes off running down the runway as the screen splits down at 1:55:03. Karen is running as fast as she can / Doyle gets on a bus back to 'CTU' / Jack is looking around the Ferris Wheel for Rolando / Chloe, Tony, and Michelle are on their way to the Ferris Wheel as well. Tony, eating his corn dog on a stick / Bill is on the phone while Baxter, Morris, Kim, and Audrey are playing _Uno_ / Milo and Nadia are looking up something on the computer / Logan is reading a magazine, as Martha _finally_ gets through talking to the mysterious man. She heads back to her seat / Tom and Noah are watching '_Bringing Down The House_' / Sherry is still being operated on at the hospital.

Karen stops by the side of the road.

Karen: I have to get a taxi……oh! I know!

She rolls up one of her pant legs to show off some 'leg'.

Karen: TAXI!

A taxi cab zooms by, losing control as it flies off the nearby bridge. –CRASH!...SPLASH!-

Karen: Well, that didn't work. I guess I'll try it the old fashioned way.

Karen (flailing her arms): TAXI!

Another cab stops by. She gets into the back seat.

Driver: Where to?

Karen: ……._Take me to CTU!_

Driver: The Counter Terrorist Unit?

Karen (sarcastically): No, _Morris' Castle_. Of course The Counter Terrorist Unit!

Driver: Right!

The driver hits the accelerator as the cab peels out.

Back at 'CTU'.

Bill: So Jack has tracked down Callahan at an amusement park, huh?

Morris: Right, dahling. (Turning back to the game)….._Draw Forty!_

Audrey: _FORTY!?_

Baxter: I never did like this game…….

Kim: GIN! (She lays her cards down)

Morris: That's not how you play, dahling!

Nadia stands up.

Nadia: What's that smell?

Baxter: Something……burning?

Bill: Oh crap.

Bill and the others rush to the window, as Billy is on the ground laughing.

Billy: Burn, suckers! Ha, ha, ha!

Bill: Oh, that little weasel!

Kim: Mr. Buchanan, the tree house is on fire!

Bill: Grab as much stuff as you can!

Morris: I got a keyboard!

Milo: I got a mouse!

Audrey: I got this CD of '_The Best Of Pink Floyd'._

Bill: We're set! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!

They run out of the tree house as it starts to collapse. –CRASH! SIZZLE!-

Back at the Carnival Amusement Park Fun Land.

Jack: Damn…..he must've got away.

He gets on his phone as someone shoots it out of his hand. –POW!-

Jack: YIKES!

Jack sees Rolando and starts to chase after him. Rolando boards one of the Ferris Wheel carts, pulling the lever on his way.

Jack: Crap!

His car rotates upward as Jack dives into another car. He climbs out on top, using the white metal railing to climb upward.

Rolando: Man, this guy is nuts.

Jack: Just…….a little bit……more…..

Rolando looks around for Jack.

Rolando: Hmmm…..

He turns around to Jack's foot slamming him in the face. –WHAP!-

Rolando: ACK!

He falls down as Jack pulls out his gun.

Jack: It's over, Callahan.

Rolando: Far from it, Bauer. It's only a matter of hours before the deadly toxin will be dumped into the city's water supply. And everyone will die…..as well as it will make today's Water Festival turn to ruins.

Jack: UGH! _You were serious about that?!_ Man, you villains can't ever give a guy a break!

Rolando: Well……

Jack: It doesn't matter. I'm taking you in…..and we'll stop the…..water…..toxin…..dumping…..thing….or whatever just in time. I save the day; we go on with our lives for about 4 years until we start the cycle _all over again_. That's how it works here on the show.

Rolando: Guess again…….

Jack suddenly feels something sharp hit his buttocks. –SHOINK!-

Jack: YELP!

Jack spins around to see another guard holding _a tranquilizer gun_.

Jack: Oh….that……stinks……..oooooh…..everything keeps spinning……uuuuggghhhh….

Jack collapses in the cart as Rolando grins. The cart stops at the bottom as Rolando climbs out.

Rolando: Take Bauer and throw him into the van….

Gunshots ring out again as the guard falls to the ground. –BANG!-

Rolando: ACK! Dammit…..hey, someone get Bauer on the friggin van.

Two other guards hop out and grab Jack's unconscious body, dragging him away. They throw him inside before hopping in themselves, taking off.

Michelle walks up; she kneels to the downed guard.

Michelle: Okay, get up. _You did good, Tony._

Tony rips off his mask as he gets up. Chloe approaches the two of them holding an electronic device of some sort.

Michelle: We're lucky you where able to put a tracking device into that tranquilizer bullet, Chloe.

Tony: We're luckier _that your pockets were big enough to hold this type of technology_.

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Chloe: Yeah……with this we can head back to CTU and plan our strategy. We have to hurry though; the signal will die off in 20 minutes…..

Michelle: Let's move.

They turn around and run back to the car.

Meanwhile, back on the Train.

Logan: …..well!?

Martha: ….well what?

Logan: What did you find out?

Martha: That they were lovely people.

Logan: Did you get their names?

Martha: Oh yes. The woman is _Princess Zelda_, and the man is _Super Agent Secret Squirrel_.

Logan: _THOSE NAMES ARE FAKE!!!_

Martha: What?

Logan: That man is Harry Love! He's lying about his identity! Which is stupid because everybody should know who he is……

Martha: Then who is the woman with him…..?

Logan: I don't know……

In Love's cabin, Harry pours himself a cup of coffee.

Harry: Coffee?

_Marilyn Bauer _looks up from the magazine she is reading.

Marilyn: Yes, please…….

He pours the coffee into her cup as she stares out the window of the train.

1:59:57  
1:59:58  
1:59:59  
2:00:00

Big Bird is on the phone as Paul, Sam, and Fred are tied up.

Big Bird: Yes…..demolish the CTU set and replace it with a Candy Store. And make this week's episode emphasize on the aspect of 'Sharing' and 'Caring For The Elderly'.

Fred: Oh barf…..

Big Bird gets off the phone. He approaches the group.

Big Bird: '24' is under my complete control.

Fred: Fine! I don't care. Just let us go!

Big Bird: Um…….no.

He walks off as Fred's head drops.

Fred: I can't believe we're still being held hostage by _friggin Big Bird!_...But not to worry, we can still get out of here……

Paul: Oh my god; _is that Grover?!_

Sam: And look, _Cookie Monster!_

Paul: Wow, _I am star struck_.

Fred (sighing dejectedly): ugh…….._I_……can still get out of here…….

NEXT WEEK: ON AN ALL NEW HOUR OF 24…..

The writers are still held hostage by the residents of _Sesame Street_.

Fred: Of course!

Paul: _Sharing rules!_

Fred: SHUT UP!

But enough about them….._WITH 5 EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON_……_ALL THE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED_……_HOEFULLY_.

Chloe: 'Hopefully'!?

-WHERE THE HELL DID MARILYN BAUER COME FROM?-

Jack: I thought she was dead!?

Chloe: Yes, _our wonderful 'CSI's' came to that stupid conclusion back in episode 6!_ Good going….

Tony: I could've sworn she was! I mean...she died in every possible way! Shot, stabbed, strangled….._whacked upside the head with a bedpan_……

Michelle: We probably shouldn't quit our day job….

Tony: …._as Country Western Singers?!_

Michelle: Uh….no. At CTU…..moron.

Tony: Oh…..

-IS ROLANDO GOING TO GET AWAY?-

Rolando: I would hope so……

-WHAT IS HARRY LOVE'S INVOLVEMENT WITH THIS?-

Harry: Like I'm going to tell you!

-RUDE……AND FINALLY…..WHAT FOOD ARE THEY GOING TO SERVE AT THE LOS ANGELES WATER FESTIVAL?-

Tony: Funnel Cakes!

Bill: Onion Rings!

Kim: …._water?_

Milo: _Karen's Famous Green Bean Casserole!_

Nadia: Milo, for the last time…._she doesn't know how to make that!_

Milo: Then why is it so famous?

Nadia: …..hell, I don't know……..

24 CONTINUES WITH AN ALL NEW HOUR, NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep….


	20. 2:00am 'Busted'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that great goodies, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No Gummi Bears were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 20

2:00am – 3:00am 'Busted'

AT……UH, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?

Fred: We're still captured by _Big Bird_.

OK…..Hmm…...AT…..SESAME STREET!

Fred: Whatever works.

Cookie Monster throws a bucket of water in Fred's face. –SPLOOSH!-

Fred: Uk! –Cough!- -Cough!-

Cookie Monster: Wake up!

Fred: I was up! You jerk!...Geez, the people are so rude around here.

Sam: Yuppers….

Fred: Man, this blows. Why are we still held captive here?

Sam: I don't know, usually these things blow over before the start of the episode. But this time….

Fred: Wait…..where's Paul?

Sam looks over to see Paul….not there.

Sam: Oh right, he managed to get out of his restraints.

Fred: And…..he didn't free us?

Sam: He went to go get help…..

Fred: I can't help but to have a bad feeling about that……

Sam: I think I just heard gunshots…

Fred: Great. Well, I hope at least the show will be okay without any episodes being written. Us being held captive and all….

Sam: It's been covered.

Fred: What?

Sam: Paul and I took care of it.

Fred: What?! How, we've been captured.

Sam: Why you _were unconscious_. We wrote the next draft of the episode and gave it to Grover to put in the mail to send back to the FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred: I can't believe this….

Big Bird walks in.

Big Bird: I see your friend has escaped.

Fred: Uh….

Big Bird: Don't worry; he'll be taken care of.

We cut to Paul, running down the street, screaming. Being chased by an endless army of _muppets!_

Paul: AAAAAHHHH!!!!

And……back to the others.

Big Bird: And did you think I wouldn't notice 'your letter'?

Sam: EEP!

Big Bird: Well, since '24' is under my control.

Fred: Oh buggers…

Big Bird: I read it and LOVED IT! We'll be filming it as soon as possible!

Fred: WHAT?! You can't be serious!

Big Bird: Minions! Round up the actors! _We have a show to shoot!_

Fred: This is jacked up…..

Sam: Yay! He liked our idea.

Fred: My head hurts…

Paul runs up to the window and pounds on it. –WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!-

Paul: HELP ME! Oh for the love of god, they're going to kill me! AHH!

He takes off, being chased by the _Muppet Mob_.

-LATER-

Jack walks into a bar, Milo is the bartender. Bill is playing the piano on stage while Chloe is in a red dress, sitting on the piano.

Jack: Hmm…..this looks….._irrelevant_.

Chloe (to Bill): Where the hell are we?!

Bill: Just sing!

Chloe: Crap, okay…..uh…..let's see….. (flips through some pages)

Jack sits at the bar next to Tony. Milo walks up.

Milo: What can I get for you?

Jack: Scotch on the rocks.

Milo nods and walks off.

Jack (to Tony): Uh……does something seem….'off' to you?

Tony: It sure does…..

Chloe: I don't know what to sing!

Bill: Sing the '24' theme song!

Chloe: WHAT!? '24' doesn't have a theme song!

Bill: Sure it does!

Chloe: Like…..'The beeping'?

Bill: No, it has an actual theme…

Chloe: Oh that……

Milo: Ladies and Gentlemen! Give a round of applause for '_Blowie!'_

Chloe: What the?! (She looks at Bill)

Bill: It's a combination of 'Bill' and 'Chloe'.

Chloe: That's an awful name!

Bill: Hmm, that combination worked _when Karen and I combined names!_...oh well, sing it!

Chloe: Uh……

Chloe attempts the actual '24' theme song.

Chloe (singing): _Doo_…._doo dee doooo dooo_…._dum de de dum dingaling dingaling!_

Bill: What the hell is that!?

Chloe: It's the best I could do, _I'm a little restricted here!_

Bill: Fine, stick with the basics…..

Chloe: Okay…..-ahem-

Chloe hops back up on the piano.

Chloe (chanting): Beep…..beep……beep……beep……ebpebpebpepbpbepbpebpepbepbepb…….24!!!!!

Chloe: How's that?

Bill: Better!

Simon Cowell: _That was the worst singing I have EVER heard!_ I honestly thought _Bessie The Cow_ was being strangled to death! Absolutely dreadful!

Chloe: _I'M SICK OF YOUR CONDESCENDING COMMENTS!!!!_

Chloe jumps off the stage and tackles Simon Cowell. –BAMPH!-

Simon: EEEK!

Chloe starts slapping with hands of rage. –SLAPPITY!-

Chloe: And _this _is for knocking my jazzy rendition of 'Lady Marmalade! Take this! –WHACK!-

Tony: oooh! Now's our chance!

Tony and Jack run on stage, grabbing the mic.

Jack and Tony (singing): And a.._One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight!_

Jack: _Sclemeel!_

Tony: _Schlemazel!_

Jack and Tony: _Hasenfeffer Incorporated!_..._We're gonna do it!_

Tony: _Give us any chance, we'll take it!_

Jack: _Give us any rule, we'll break it!_

Jack and Tony: _We're gonna make our dreams come true!_..._Doin' it our way!_

A beer bottle hits Jack in the head. –CRASH!-

Jack: Urk……(falls)

Tony: Uh……no encore?

Tony ducks as the other bottle whizzes past him. –CRASH!-

Tony: Thank you all! You've guys have been great.

Tony runs off stage past Chloe beating the crap out of Simon Cowell. –POW!-

Chloe: Previously on 24…….

-SWOOSH-

Air Mandy crashes through the Airport. –CRASH!-

Unimportant Extra: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

Doyle: You think they noticed?...Hey! Where did you go?!

Mandy runs down the airplane aisle to the exit, diving out the door. Doyle shows up as Mandy runs off.

Doyle: You'll never get away with this!

He eats some peanuts…..spitting them out in disgust.

Doyle: -Spittah!- Yuck!...That was unpleasant…. (MIKE DOYLE)

-SWOOSH-

Karen is in the helicopter.

Karen: I think I hear something.

She puts up a glass to the side of the interior of the copter.

Dick Dastardly: Now Mutley, this has got to be the best plan ever to win 'The Wacky Races', you'll sneak up to _Penelope Pitstop's_ car…._and cut that bitch's break line!_ Then she'll go flying off the cliff!

Mutley wheezes in laughter.

Karen: Whew, good thing I'm not in that plotline.

She listens on the other side.

Karen (listening): Oh no! There's bad stuff a brewin! I better warn the others! (KAREN HAYES)

-SWOOSH-

CTU collapses. –CRASH!-

Morris: I found a location…

Chloe: Where?

Morris: At this Tree House!

Chloe: God, I hate you….. (THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Billy The Psycho kid burns the Tree House down. –SIZZLE!-

Billy: Burn, suckers! Ha! Ha!

Bill: Let's start hauling.

Everybody is running through the flames of sweet burning tree house wood. (THE COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT……AGAIN)

-SWOOSH-

Rolando: ….hmm…..interesting….

Rolando is reading 'The Nina Myers' Big Book To Being Evil'.

Rolando: Oh……you use spinach……of course! (ROLANDO CALLAHAN)

-SWOOSH-

Martha Logan is talking to what could possibly be………hello?...yeah…..you do the 'split screen here'……Yeesh…..'New Guys'….. (AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE)

Martha sits down with Charles.

Martha: Charles, are you thinking that Harry Love is have an affair?!

Charles: I don't know! (CHARLES LOGAN)

Harry Love offers _Marilyn Bauer_, who is sitting with him, some tea.

Harry: Tea? (AUSTRALIAN PRESIDENT HARRY LOVE……AGAIN!?)

Jack, Michelle, Tony, and Chloe are snooping around the carnival.

Jack: Looks like where trying to solve another mystery! (JACK BAUER AND FRIENDS)

Chloe: Whatever….

Bozone the clown opens fire upon the House Of Mirrors. –RATTATTATATATATA!-

Tony: Get down!

Chloe and Michelle hit the floor as shards of mirror fly everywhere.

Tony: ACK! It's in my hair! My beautiful hair!

Michelle: Oh, please……

Jack kicks Rolando in the face. –WHAP!-

A tranquilizer hits Jack's rear end. –THOINK!-

Jack gets dragged off while the team recuperates.

Chloe: I was able to activate a tracing device on the tranquilizer, but we have to hurry. If we don't track him down in 20 minutes…..we'll lose him.

Tony: _CAN I TAKE HIS PLACE!?_

Michelle and Chloe: NO!

Tony: Aw…..

Audrey: The following takes place between 2:00am and 3:00am……

Bill, Nadia, Morris, Milo and those other unimportant characters.

Kim: HEY!

…are walking down the street, for you see, CTU was burned to the ground.

Milo: When we were in the tree house.

Morris: And before that CTU collapsed…..and even farther back this season it blew up!

Nadia: You know, _we already had a 'Previously on '24' segment'_. We don't need another re-cap.

Milo: Well, long story short. We need _a new_ place to set up operations.

Nadia does the '_Michelle Dessler eyeroll of disgust'_. Suddenly, 4 black cars zoom past the group, screeching to a halt in front of them. –SCREEEECH!-

Baxter: Ack….

Nadia: What is this?

A group of men get out of the set of black cars. One of them pulls out a PDA, looking back and forth at it and the group.

Man: So, these must be the imbeciles from CTU…..

Milo: That's us!

Nadia smacks Milo.

Man: You have gotten in our way for the last time. Get them!

Audrey: Oh no, _we're going to be captured again!?_

Milo: Not if I can help it.

Nadia: Oh crap….

Milo spreads his arms out.

Milo: _YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MOTHER NATURE!_

His eye color fades to white as the sky rumbles with thunder. Lighting starts to crash down. –CRASH! CRACKLE!-

Meanwhile, back to reality. Milo is making awkward hand movements and weather sound effects.

Milo: WWWEEEEE! CRASH! Ker-KRAPPLE! BOOM!

Baxter: What the hell is he doing?

Nadia: Every now and then he likes to pretend he's _Storm from X-Men_.

Milo: She is the coolest character.

Morris: I kinda like Cyclops, myself, dahling.

Nadia: Morris! Come on……..Cyclops is just awful!

Bill: Yeah man….Cyclops? You can't be serious! He isn't that great.

Morris: He rocks! He can shoot friggin laser beams.

Milo: Well Storm can conjure storms. She can make it rain!...RAIN, Morris!

Morris: Well, Storm is kinda lame.

Audrey: I agree with Morris on this one.

Kim: I like Jubilee.

Baxter: _JUBILEE!?_ She sucks!

Kim: No she doesn't!

Bill: Actually, Kim…….._she does_.

Kim: Jubilee is an awesome character…._a role model even!_

Audrey: How is she a role model?

Kim: Well…..I don't know, she just is.

Nadia: You know who is the best one….._Jean Grey_.

Everyone scoffs.

Nadia: What?

Baxter: Really? She's just a telekinetic chick.

Nadia: She's a SUPER telekinetic chick, she can read minds!

Kim: Uh, duh, that's what Professor X is for.

Morris and Milo nod in agreement.

Bill: I like _Cookie Monster_!

Everyone stops and stares at Bill.

Audrey: I beg your pardon?

Nadia: Did you just say 'Cookie Monster'?

Bill: Yup.

Morris: Uh, dahling, he isn't an X-Man or whatever.

Bill: He should be one. I wrote a letter to _Marvel_ and told them to add Cookie Monster into X-Men. Then, when they make a movie about the X-Men, they can give the role of Cookie Monster to _Hugh Jackman, _he's my favorite actor.

Nadia: BILL! Cookie Monster is a muppet from Sesame Street. They've already made X-Men movies, and Hugh Jackman is already Wolverine.

Baxter: I like Wolverine.

Kim: I don't see why, he's not that cool. Ooooh, I have knives coming out of my hands, _I'm sooo scary!_

Milo: I agree with Kim.

Baxter: He's _virtually indestructible!_ That….would…..be……awesome!

Man: HELLO!? ARE YOU GUYS DONE!?

Bill: Oh, I forgot about them….

Morris: I'll handle this.

Morris…..

Nadia: JUST PULLED OUT A BOMB!

Uh, I was going to say that…..

Nadia: Whatever….

You know what? I don't need this. _You_ can take over 'Narrator Duties'. I'm going to grab something to eat.

Nadia: WHAT?! You can't do that……._The Narrator has left the studio and Nadia takes over the role of telling the story in her words._ DAMMIT!

Morris: I'll save us!

Nadia: _Morris lights the bomb as Milo and Kim get nervous. Audrey runs her hand through her greasy hair!_

Audrey: HEY!

Nadia: Hey, this ain't half bad! Being the narrator is fun!

Morris: Eat bomb-y death, thugs!

Nadia: _Morris drops the bomb which turns out to be_…._a smoke bomb?!_

-BOOM!-

Nadia: _Dense smoke starts to fill the air. Everyone takes off running_.

Milo: I can't see! AIIIEEE!

Morris: Oh no, _my glasses!_ I can't see anything without my glasses.

Nadia: -COUGH! COUGH!- _Morris and Milo run into each other_….

-WHAP!-

Nadia: _I think_……I can't see a thing in here.

Man: Dammit! FIND THEM!

2:05:12

Nadia:_ Further down the road; Michelle, Tony, and Chloe are driving from the amusement park without Jack._

Michelle: Is that Nadia?

Tony: I guess the narrator went away.

Nadia: _Chloe is on her laptop, laptopping!_

Chloe: That isn't a word! God, Nadia, you suck at narrating the story.

Nadia: _Suddenly, Chloe accidentally gets a piece of 'Candy Corn' lodged up her right nostril. –SHOINK!-_

Chloe: ACK! What did you do that for?!

Nadia: I love narrating!

Chloe: Oh man, I hate candy corn!

Tony: Damn!

Michelle: What is it?

Tony: I'm trying to get this GPS thing to work so we can find out where CTU is…

GPS: Hello, Tony.

Tony: Hi, GPS!

Michelle: Tony, you don't have to talk to it.

GPS: Actually, he does.

Michelle: HIKE!

Chloe: That's odd.

GPS: Where would you like to go, Tony?

Michelle: CTU.

GPS: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Mr. Almeida.

Michelle: You rude box of crap! Oh, and now he's _Mr. Almeida _now.

Tony: Bout time I get some respect.

GPS: Is there _any other way I can serve you Tony?_

Michelle: Tony, I don't like the way that box is talking to you. She sounds like a tramp.

GPS: Take's one to know one.

Michelle: Oh, real mature.

GPS: I know you are but what am I?

Michelle: A stupid box.

GPS: I know you are but what am I?

Chloe: Oh, I've had enough of this.

Nadia: _Chloe puts on her earphones and listens to her IPOD_.

Michelle: This is stupid. Tony, turn her off.

GPS: Oh, _he could never do that. In fact, he is really good at turning me on!_

Michelle: WHAT?!

Nadia: _Chloe rips out her headphones to listen in to the conversation. _

Chloe: This is interesting.

Michelle: Tony, _are you having an affair with this stupid machine!?_

Tony: HUH!? Michelle, that's a dumb question. I'd expect that out of Chloe, but not from you!

Chloe: Hello!? My headphones are off, I can hear you!

Michelle: We need to kill this box. She's a _home wrecking slut!_

GPS: White Trash.

Michelle: Witch!

GPS: Trollop!

Michelle: Jezebel!

GPS: _Skanky McSkankerson!_

Michelle: That doesn't even make sense!

Nadia: _Michelle is getting very angry._

Michelle: BAH!

Nadia: _Chloe puts her headphones back on._

Tony: Oh look, _Nachos!_

Nadia: _Tony reaches for his nachos. _WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP DOING STUFF!? I'm trying to avoid death here…..god, I can't see through this smoke. Chloe, I'm going to kill your husband.

Chloe: Whatever.

Michelle: Unplug her.

Tony: But, how will we get to CTU?

Michelle: Geez…..

MEANWHILE……SOMEWHERE ELSE.

A van zooms by. Thanks Nadia, I'll take it from here.

Nadia: Finally!

Oh crap, I forgot to get some potato chips. Well, you know the drill.

Nadia: CRAP!...oh well….._Rolando Callahan and his thugs are driving in the van, with Jack captured_.

Rolando: Wake up, Bauer.

Jack doesn't move.

Rolando: Hmm…..what's this?

Okay, I'm back.

Nadia: Thank you, Yeesh!

Anyway, Rolando pulls the tranquilizer out of Jack's butt, and decides to take a much closer, detailed look…..

Tony: _At Jack's Butt?!_

_NO!_ _At the tranquilizer_! And you're not in this scene, mind your own business!

Tony: Rude-ness!

Rolando: There's a tracking device on here….._we're going to be tracked._

Everybody starts screaming.

Driver: What are we going to do?!

Rolando: I was…..going to 'throw' it out.

Driver: That's a pretty good idea.

Rolando opens the back door to the van and chunks the dart into the open road.

Back in the car with Michelle and friends.

Chloe: Uh oh.

Tony: What is it, Chloe?

Chloe: I think they found the tracker.

Michelle: Well, it was a tranquilizer dart sticking out of Jack's rear end, it shouldn't be _that_ hard to miss!

Chloe: Well, this is going to hamper our time to find him.

Michelle: By…..how much.

Chloe: I'm not sure……..we have to get to CTU, fast or I'll lose the signal for good.

Tony: What good is it going to do without the dart?

Chloe: I programmed it to where _the liquid_ in the dart will also serve as a location device, but it won't last anywhere near as long as the dart would've.

Tony: How the hell did you do that!?

Chloe: I guess I'm just that good.

Michelle: Hmph!

Michelle slams her foot on the pedal and veers off toward CTU. Meanwhile, those other losers……

Milo runs and sits next to Nadia on the curb.

Nadia: That smoke is pretty bad, can you see anybody else.

Milo: Nope.

Nadia: This is bad, really bad. We need to find someplace to hide. These men want us for some reason.

Milo: I know! We can hide at my mom's house.

Nadia: You must be joking.

Milo: Nope.

A little a ways from there, Baxter, Bill, and Morris meet up.

Morris: Dahlings!

Bill: Damn, we got split up. Morris, why did you have to let off that stupid bomb?!

Morris: Well, we escaped death, did we not?

Bill: I guess so. I guess we have to stick together and find them before….

Man: FOUND 3 OF THEM! I'm going to shoot now! Which button do I push?

Man 2: It's a _gun_. You pull a trigger, no buttons involved.

Baxter: I think we should run for the hills.

Bill: Works for me, hopefully we'll catch up with the others. RUN!

Kim hides in a back alley, shortly before being joined by Audrey.

Audrey: Kim! Are you alright?

Kim: I'm good; I wish I could find the others.

Audrey: With all this smoke, it'll be difficult now. But we have to run or we'll get killed.

Kim: I guess you're right.

Audrey: Yeah, let's keep moving.

They take off running down the back alley, sneaking into a back door somewhere.

2:10:05, Meanwhile, on _The Logan Express_ (not really, but it is a train)

Charles and Martha were sitting in their seats eating delicious pot roast!

Logan: No we're not!

Martha: _This pot roast is delicious! _–MUNCH!-

Logan: Where did you get that?

Martha: The guy.

Logan: What guy?

Martha: _The Pot Roast Guy_.

Logan: That's ridiculous.

A man walks by with a cart.

Man: _POT ROAST! Get your pot roast!_

The man lobs a pot roast across the train, smacking Logan in the face. –SPLAT!-

Logan: Uck!

The door of their compartment opens and the two of them are approached by _Australian President Harry Love_.

Logan: Eep! (Holds up a newspaper to hide himself)

Harry: Excuse me, miss. You left your purse in our car.

Martha: Oh, whoops!

Logan slightly lowers his newspaper to glare at Martha.

Harry: Wait a minute, you're Charles Logan!

Logan: Uh…..no I'm not.

Harry: Yes you are.

He turns to Martha.

Harry: And I thought you looked familiar, you're Martha Logan.

Martha (claps): Hey, he's good.

Logan rolls his eyes.

Logan: Listen, we don't want any trouble….

Harry: Oh, you're getting trouble. Somebody get the police!

Logan: Oh this is bad.

Martha: My pot roast is kinda tough.

She leans out of her seat.

Martha: HEY! Can I get another pot roast!?

The pot roast guy slings another one across the car, slapping Logan in the face again. –SLOP!-

Logan: Ugh, man.

Logan looks out the window as the train enters the station.

Logan: We're at the station; we can get out of here. Come on!

Logan grabs Martha's hand and they start running through the different train cars.

Harry: The fugitives just left the train. Don't let them get away!

They get off the train and run into the busy crowd of the train station.

Logan: There sure are a lot of people here this early in the morning, strange actually.

2:15:23, Logan and Martha make their way through the unusually busy crowd / Michelle and the others are driving / Harry is glaring out the window of the train car / Chloe is trying to 'blow out' the candy corn stuck up her nose.

Michelle: You got CTU's location, right Tony?

Tony: Yup, it should be around this corner.

Around the corner…..was the burnt down tree house.

Michelle: Uh….it's gone.

Tony: Burnt down……

Michelle: Well, that sucks!

She picks up her phone and dials Bill's number.

Chloe: Here Tony.

She hands him a set of pliers.

Chloe: Try to yank it out.

Tony: EW! You want me to pull that out of your nose?! That's gross! What were you doing putting stuff up there anyway?

Chloe: It was Nadia's fault! Now just yank!

Tony steadily holds the pliers to the bit of candy corn sticking out.

Tony: And…..okay, I got a hold of it.

Chloe: Now pull.

Tony tugs on it, but it won't budge.

-TUG!-

Chloe: Ow!

-TUG!-

Chloe: OWW! Okay, okay. Stop……I'll think of something else.

Tony: Man, it's really up there. You know you put the candy corn in your mouth, right?

Chloe: Oh, shut up.

Michelle: Man, nobody is answering their phone. I hope they're allright.

Tony: I guess if we drive around we can find them.

Chloe: We don't have time. We need to find someplace where I can hook up my computer or we'll lose the tracking signal. I managed to prolong it's longevity but it I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Michelle: Okay, I'll try Bill again.

-CRASH!- The car shakes violently.

Chloe: What the hell was that?!

Michelle: I don't know.

Chloe turns around to see a van attempting to run into the back of them.

Chloe: There's somebody trying to run us off the road.

Tony: How rude.

Michelle: I'll try to lose them.

The car speeds forward, but not quick enough. The van drives to the driver's side of Michelle's car and veers into them. –CRASH!-

Michelle: ACK!

Tony: Who is trying to kill us now?!

The van swerves to the left, then charges back the other way. Slamming into the car again… -SMASH!-

Michelle: EEEE!

Michelle loses control of the car as it veers off the road hitting a telephone pole. –SHATTERCRASH!-

2:20:33, Milo and Nadia get away from the smoke.

Nadia: I can't find anybody else.

Milo: Yeah.

Nadia: If we stay here for two long, those jerks will find us.

Milo: Yeah.

Nadia: We need to hide somewhere.

Milo: Yeah.

Nadia: Is that all you have to say…..

Milo: ………

Nadia: Nevermind. Let's walk.

Milo: ooh! I have an idea. We can stay at my mom's house!

Nadia: You must be joking.

Milo: Do I ever joke at a time like this?

Nadia: No, that's the scary part.

Different Man: Hey! I think I see someone.

Nadia: Let's hope she's up this late! Come on…..

They take off running, meanwhile.

Baxter bolts into a back alley, running into Bill and Morris.

Bill: Any sign of the others.

Baxter: No. Those hit men are everywhere though.

Morris: I wonder what they want….

Bill: We'll we need to find them quick. What the?...My phone stopped working!

Morris: Hmm, mine too.

Bill: Morris, did that smoke bomb do something to our phones.

Morris: Probably. I never had a chance to test it out first.

Bill: Oh, great.

A manager looking person steps out into the back alley, throwing away something.

Manager: Hey! Are you the new guys?

Bill: Uh….

Manager: Well, the smoke break is over! Get back to work!

A black car abruptly stops at the end of the alley.

Bill: Oh goose eggs! In here!

Baxter: You can't be serious!

Bill: Why not?

Morris: Dahling, you don't know what kind of place this is.

Bill: If we stand around for too much longer, we'll be killed. Move!

Bill opens the back door and goes into the mysterious building. Morris and Baxter shrug and follow him inside. The door closes revealing the neon '_Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace_' sign. Outside of the alley, a garbage truck drives by. In the endless mounds of trash, _Audrey and Kim_ poke their heads out.

Audrey: We sure were lucky to get away.

Kim: Um, did we have to dive into this garbage truck? It's all icky.

Audrey: I guess we can clean off wherever we stop.

A giant pile of trash gets dumped on them. –SLOP!-

Kim: Eeeew!

2:25:45, at the train station.

Logan and Martha are still making their way through the crowds, finally reaching the exit.

Logan: What now?

Martha: Um, Charles?

Logan: Let's see. I wonder who I can call in this situation.

Martha: Charles?

Logan: What?

Martha: Police!

They notice some cops in the distance making their way toward them, they start to run the other way, just to find more of them.

Logan: We're surrounded. If we take off now, we'll be noticed.

Martha: I have an idea.

Martha runs off.

Logan: Martha!? What are you doing? Get back here!...-Sigh-……

Martha strolls up with _a baby carriage!_

Logan: What the hell are you going to do with this?

Martha: Hop in.

Logan: Excuse me?

Martha: Hop in, Charles. It's the only way!

Logan: What are you talking about?

Martha: Get in and I'll pass you off as my child, that way we can avoid the police.

Logan: Martha, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. _And I've been around a lot of stupid people today!_

Martha: Well, Charles, it's all I have. If you have a better plan I'd like to hear it. The police are bound to notice us.

Logan: -Sigh-, I can't believe I'm actually going to do this.

Martha: Here, put this on.

She hands him a bonnet.

Logan: I REFUSE TO WEAR THIS!

Martha: Not so loud! It's only for a little bit. Do you want to go back to prison….._much less CTU's holding rooms?_

Logan: Okay, I'll do it.

He snatches the bonnet out of Martha's hands and ties it around his head, crawling into the carriage which of course is waaaay to small for him.

Logan: Marti, this isn't going to work. I look ridiculous!

Martha: Oh god, you're an ugly baby!

Logan: This isn't funny, Martha! My legs are dangling over the side!

Martha: It'll work.

She puts on _sunglasses _and a big hat, wherever she got those from.

Martha: Let's roll.

Martha starts to walk with the baby carriage when she gets confronted by the police.

Cop: Hello, miss.

Martha: Oh, hi.

Cop: We're looking for these 2 fugitives, have you seen them?

Martha: Must say that I haven't.

Cop: Oh, and you have a baby.

Logan sighs dejectedly.

Cop: Wow….._what an ugly child you have!_

Logan: HEY!

Martha: Thanks!

Cop: Well, you two have a good night.

Martha: We will, thank you, officer.

He walks off as Martha quickly pushes the carriage to a nearby bus stop. The carriage tips over. –CRASH-

Logan (getting up): Well, that was stupid.

Martha: We escaped, didn't we?

Logan: I suppose, I'm going to get a hold of my contact. Let's get on this bus.

The bus pulls up to the stop, Logan and Martha board. The bus drives off past the policeman, who has a suspicious look on his face.

2:30:11, Logan and Martha are riding on the bus / Nadia and Milo are quickly walking down the sidewalk on the way to his mom's house / Jack is still passed out / Bill, Baxter, and Morris are putting on their uniforms to work in the kitchen.

Michelle, who was unconscious after hitting the telephone pole, wakes up and looks around. Tony and Chloe are still in the car.

Michelle: You guys ok?

Chloe: Yeah, I guess so.

Tony: The GPS is dead! Nooooo!

Michelle (sarcastic): Oh no, how awful. ANYWAY…..

Tony: Hmph….

Michelle: I can't believe those guys ran us off the road, how rude….

Tony: That's not all their doing.

Michelle: WHAT?!

Everyone turns and looks out the back window; the van that ran them off the road is sitting parked behind them.

Chloe: What do they want?

Michelle: Whatever it is, it isn't good.

Some men get out of the van, holding guns and rocket launchers.

Michelle: ACK! They're going to kill us!...Or try to again….Get out!

Chloe: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Michelle: We're not going to do any better in here!

Chloe: Good point.

Michelle pulls the lever to her door and tries to open it, but fails to do so. She shakes it a couple of times.

Michelle: My door's jammed.

Chloe: Ugh! The 'Child Safety Locks' are on back here.

Tony gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

Michelle: TONY!

Tony: Oh, right. Sorry.

Tony opens his door as Michelle and Chloe crawl out. The men pull out their guns and start unloading bullets. –RATATATATAT!-

Tony: AEEEEI!

The three of them drop to the ground, taking cover behind the car that's getting destroyed.

Michelle: We're trapped.

Man: Load up the launcher.

Chloe: Uh oh.

The attackers start prepping to launch a rocket toward the group. Then, a taxi cab whizzes straight towards them. –VROOM!-

Man: ACK! –DIVE!-

The cab pulls up to Michelle and the others, the driver _gets out of the back seat_…..

Driver: Oh my god, lady, you're nuts.

The driver's window rolls down to reveal _Karen_ at the wheel.

Karen: I'm sorry, but you're too slow at driving……hey! I know you guys.

Michelle: Karen! You have got to get us out of here.

Karen: Sure, hop in.

Everyone piles into the taxicab (including the driver).

Karen: Hold on tight.

She slams her foot on the accelerator and the car peels out, speeding away from the carnage. –VROOOOM!-

Man: DAMMIT!

In the cab, Chloe whips her laptop out.

Chloe: Crap (she types random stuff), I'm about to lose Jack.

Karen: Oh, that reminds me. I needed to warn Bill that Jack is in trouble.

Michelle: What else is new?

Karen: Well, I was about to take off back to D.C, when I overheard that President Love is back in town and is going after Jack for killing his Australian Consul yesterday afternoon.

Tony: Hmm. Since he's going after Jack, was that his men that attacked us?

Michelle: Possibly, or they could be Callahan's.

Karen: Well, I need to warn husband.

Michelle: We can't get a hold of him yet, or anybody for that matter.

Chloe: I'm about to lose him, we need to find someplace I can hook up.

Tony: There's an internet café not to far from here…

Chloe: That'll work.

Tony: Oh look, this car has a GPS in it too!

He flips the 'on' switch.

GPS: _Hello Tony, thank you for turning me on!_

Michelle: Oh hell….. not again…..

2:35:51, meanwhile…..

Milo and Nadia approach Milo's mom's house.

Nadia: Milo, it's really late. Are you sure your mom is even up now?

Milo: Of course.

Nadia reaches for the doorbell. Before she even touches it, the door flies open.

Mama Pressman: Milo! I'm so glad you came to visit!

Milo: Hi mom! Listen, we're on the run from killers, can we lay low here for a bit?

Mama P: Of course, dear. Come on in, I just made brownies!

Nadia: What a weird time to make brownies.

Mama P: Oh, and I see you brought a friend.

Nadia: Yes, Nadia Yassir…..

Mama P: Nadia…..Nadia……where have I heard that name before?

Nadia: I work with your son.

Milo: Yup!

Mama P: Say, weren't you the girl who got your windows broken by Milo?

Nadia: Yes. Turns out he was looking for his '3 Musketeers' bar. (Turning to Milo) _Which Bill ate by the way…_

Milo: I knew it!

Mama P: Well, enough standing out here. Come in, come in……

Elsewhere….

The manager of _Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace_ (which isn't Adam Logan by the way, he was killed earlier, and that just wouldn't of made any sense!) His name is Steve.

Steve: Okay men. Are you ready for the 'Early Morning Rush'?

Bill, Morris, and Baxter are standing in the kitchen in their 'Chef' getups.

Baxter: Who eats chicken at 2 in the morning?

Steve: Drunks.

Baxter: oh….

Bill: So, what do we do?

Steve: It isn't that hard. You take the frozen chicken, you place it in the 'fry bucket'. You submerge the bucket of chicken in the '_Frialator 9000'_ and fry the suckers. Then 2 minutes later. You got some of the best chicken money can buy!

Baxter: Just 2 minutes?

Steve: It's the 'Frialator 9000' my boy! It can could much faster than any normal fryer.

Baxter: That's nice.

Steve: Okay, the rush is coming in.

Bill, Morris, and Baxter look out of the kitchen into the restaurant which is filling up fast from the drunken people who just got kicked out of the bar.

Bill: Swell…..

Steve: Okay, start cookin!

He leaves. Bill, Morris, and Baxter are unsure what to do next.

Bill: Where's the chicken?

Morris: Oh, dahling, I found the freezer.

He pulls out a bag.

Morris: This looks like it.

Bill: How much do we put in there?

Morris: Hmm…

Morris dumps _the entire bag of chicken _into the bucket, dropping it into the 'Frialator 9000'. –SPLOOSH!-

Baxter: I don't think that was wise.

Morris: Oh, who cares, dahling?

2:40:12, Jack comes to, trying to grasp his surroundings.

Jack: Where am I?

Rolando sits next to him.

Jack: EEP!

Rolando: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Where have you taken me? Where's Michelle and the others? _What happened on last night's episode of 'Desperate Housewives'?_

Rolando: It's none of your concern. Don't know, don't care. And….._you're kidding, right?_

Jack: Uh…..

Rolando: I will tell you that I've taken you to a secret hideout of mine.

Jack: What is with you people and 'Secret Hideouts'!?

Rolando: You have been tracked by your buddies at CTU….

Jack: Oh goody!

Rolando: But I will kill you before they get to you in time.

Jack: Oh baddie!

Rolando: I've had enough…..you are a horrible person, Jack Bauer. And I must rid the world of you…..

Jack: Of course…..

Rolando: Look around you and you will see yourself armed with explosives.

Jack: Eck!

Rolando: They will detonate in approximately….._1 Hour, 17 minutes_….

Jack: What? What kind of time is that?

Rolando: That's the highest I could set it to.

Jack: Yeah, but……that's kinda…..weird….

Rolando: Yeah, it is, but who cares?

Jack: And why wouldn't you want to set it lower? You're just giving them more time to find me.

Rolando: That's just how it is, _quit pointing out the show's plot holes!_

Jack: Can't help it.

Rolando: Goodbye, Mr. Bauer……..It's been fun……but to you…..I'm sure it will be…..'_A BLAST'!_...Mwa, ha, ha, ha!

Jack: Oh my god, that was just awful……

Rolando turns to leave. Jack squirms around in his restraints, he notices the timer…._which was not activated_.

Jack: Heh, heh. That idiot didn't start the timer! I can be here all night!

A bird flies in and rams into the bomb, activating the timer. Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..

Jack: UGH! Stupid bird!

Meanwhile, the garbage truck stops at a gas station. Audrey and Kim climb out of the vehicle and fall onto the ground. –WHAMP!-

Audrey: Ow…..

Kim: Oh, that stung……

Audrey: Look, Kim. A gas station! We're saved!

Kim: I don't know, _my previous adventure at a gas station wasn't pleasant._

Audrey: We'll be fine. We can clean ourselves up so we don't smell like crap, then we can get something to eat, and call CTU to pick us up….._once they ever find a stable place to set up shop_.

Kim: I hope your right.

They walk into the gas station as a mysterious individual spies from a distance, _ruh roh…_

2:45:04, in the taxi cab.

Tony: Okay, here it is. 'The Super Geek 24-Hour Internet Café'. I love this place…..

Michelle: Let's hurry.

Karen makes a horrible attempt to _Parallel Park_; the group gets out and heads into the Café. Where they are stopped by the……

Host: Hello, that will be 5 dollars.

Michelle: Uh……I'm broke.

Tony: I'm broker.

Karen: I'm brokest!

Chloe: I don't have anything either.

Michelle: Chloe, we'll distract him while you find Jack.

Chloe: Okay.

Michelle: Tony, I can't believe I'm resorting to this but……tell the man 'one of your jokes'.

Tony: Really?!

Michelle (sighing): Yes, really.

Tony takes the man to the side as Chloe sneaks off.

Tony: Which one should I tell him? _The Pillsbury Doughboy _one?

Michelle: No, Tony, everybody sick of that joke. Tell a different one.

Tony: That's the only one I know!

Michelle: WHAT?! Well, make something up.

Tony: Okay……There is this guy…..named…….Phil……

Host: Go on……

Chloe sits down at a computer and slides a disk in; she goes through some screens and enters some passwords.

Tony: Well, it's tax-day, and Phil is all "Oh no! I have to pay my taxes' so he runs to Krispy Kreme and buys him a doughnut, because they give him good luck.

Host: Does this story have a point?

Tony: I'm getting there.

At the Chicken Palace.

Baxter: Man, will this ever end?! We've cooked like, _thousands_ of pieces of chicken.

Bill: This stuff isn't half bad!

Baxter: Uh, I don't think you're supposed to eat that.

Bill: Why not? _They _get to.

Baxter: Because they're customers.

Bill: Well, since I'm cooking it, I should be able to eat it.

Baxter: Whatever.

Bill: Where's Morris?

Steve: Hey! What's the holdup! I have angry drunks out here wanting chicken! Step it up!

Baxter: I don't know……

Baxter looks over and sees Morris at Steve's computer.

Baxter: EEEE!

They both run over there, Bill leaving a load of chicken in the 'Frialator 9000'.

Baxter: Morris, what are you doing? Are you trying to get us fired……_wait_…..who cares?

Bill: That's what I'm sayin.

Morris: I think I can get a hold of Chloe from here and tell her the situation. Since our phones stopped working.

Baxter: Can't we use the phone here.

Bill: Too obvious.

Morris: Oooh, she's online. I'll send her a message. (He types)

Back at the Café.

Chloe: Oh crap, there's _another_ password?!

An 'Instant Message' box pops up from Morris. –BLEEP!-

Chloe: ACK!

Chloe (IM): Morris! What the hell are you doing using _an unprotected Instant Message line!_ You could be traced! Glad you're alive by the way….

Morris (IM): Oh, thanks, dahling.

Tony: So, Richard the bartender says '_Poker?!_ I hardly know her!' and Farmer McSteamy screams '_Where's my sandwich'_?

Host: _WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF THIS STORY_?!

Tony: I'm getting there…..

He nervously looks over at Michelle who gives him a 'thumbs up'.

Michelle (mouthing): _Keep going_…..

Tony: So, then Princess Maribel…..

Host: Who the hell is that?! Where did she come from…..?

Tony: I just made her up…..

Host: Ugh…….

Morris (IM): When the Tree House burned down we were trying to find another place, we got attacked by these guys…..

Chloe (IM): We did too...

Morris (IM): Don't interrupt, dahling, it's rude.

Chloe (IM): How am I interrupting you, it's an……forget it.

Morris (IM): You guys got attacked on your way back from the Carnival?

Chloe (IM): Yeah, I wonder if these hit men work for the same person, they're trying to kill us and all...

Morris (IM): Most likely.

Chloe (IM): Hey, what's the password into the 'Tracker Locator Program 4.1'?

Morris (IM): _Super Awesome Quest_

Chloe (IM): Are you serious?!

Morris (IM): Yup.

Chloe types in the password and another screen pops up.

Chloe: I got it, this is Jack's location!

She hits the print button.

Chloe (IM): Okay, I got it. Where are you guys anyway?

-Morris has been disconnected-

Chloe: Uh oh……

She gets up and walks back toward Michelle; the electricity goes off as the room is cased in darkness. People start gasping.

Chloe finds Michelle and the others through the pitch black.

Michelle: Chloe, what's going on?

Chloe: I was talking to Morris. Everyone at CTU is okay, I think. They were attacked by who I think are the same people who attacked us.

Michelle: Where are they now?

Chloe: I didn't get an answer, Morris got disconnected. But I have an actual lock on Jack's location.

A gun gets held up against Chloe's head.

Taxicab Driver: _And now you are going to hand it over to me_…..

Chloe: Oh……

Karen: You!

She throws a bag of _airline peanuts_ at the driver. –THAP!-

Driver: You all aren't going anywhere, especially to save Jack……

Michelle: _Crap a kangaroo…_

The screen shrinks down at 2:55:29. The taxicab driver has Michelle, Chloe, Tony, and Karen held at gunpoint at the internet café / Milo and Nadia are enjoying brownies at Mama Pressman's house / Morris is freaking out that the connection died and is trying to fix it while Baxter and Bill watch, the 'Frialator 9000' is looking like it's about to blow up / Logan and Martha are riding on a bus back to the city, unaware they are sitting behind _Doyle_ / Kim and Audrey are in the bathroom cleaning the garbage off their faces / Jack is tied to the explosives at the secret hideout / The fast chopper lands at the White House, Tom and Noah head back inside / Sherry is getting wheeled out of surgery / Harry Love and Marilyn Bauer are riding in a limousine on their way to the city as well / Rolando is looking off in the horizon.

Jack tries to kick at the bomb at scoot it closer towards him, but to no avail.

Jack: Damn……oh well, this looks like the end of my adventures…..again.

At Chicken Palace.

Bill: The connection just stopped?

Morris: Yea, I was talking to Chloe and then….._ke-put!_

Baxter: Well, I guess all we can do now is go back and try to remain undercov….

The Frialator 9000 explodes. –KAPOWWWWM!- Insanely hot grease slides toward them.

Morris: Ahh! Hot grease!

Bill: Out the back door……

Steve: HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE!?

Bill: Nothing!

They open the back door and jump outside into the back alley. Where the 'guys' where waiting for them.

Baxter: Eep!

Man: Thought you could run, huh?

Bill: It would've been nice.

Man: You're coming with us.

Bill: Darn….

At the internet café.

Driver (on his cellphone): Yeah…..I got them right here.

Karen: Boo! Hiss!

Driver: No….._she's not with them._

Michelle stares at the driver.

Driver: Uh huh…I guess she's with the others…..oh don't worry, they won't be leaving…….yeah………of course……okay, talk to you later. –Click!-

The driver bends down in front of Chloe.

Driver: I need to know where _Audrey Raines_ is.

Chloe: I don't know.

Driver: I was informed that you were talking to someone by instant message.

Chloe: Ugh, I told him not to instant message me.

Driver: You need to tell me where Audrey Raines is, right now, or I start killing each person in here, one at a time.

Tony (still talking to the host): So then _Abigail The Sorceress _replies 'Do I look like the kind of person who eats _cheese!?_' And she turned the Prince into a toad! The end.

Host: I've only known you for like, 10 minutes, and I already hate your guts.

Tony: Rude.

Elsewhere, Harry Love hangs up his phone.

Harry: Good, everything should be falling into place…..

Marilyn, who was unconscious, wakes up next to him in the limo.

Marilyn: Huh!? What happened?! Where am I?

Harry: Don't stress yourself.

Marilyn: I know you…..you're the Australian President!

Harry: You're sharp.

Marilyn: Why am I here? What happened to me?

Harry: I need to 'borrow you' for a minute.

Marilyn: What are you planning?! Let me out of here!

Harry: Man, you are noisy. I guess I need to 'drug' you again.

Marilyn: WHAT?!

Harry: Driver, pull over.

The limo pulls over as the driver gets out, carrying a suitcase with him. She gets into the back seat and prepares a needle.

Marilyn: What are you going to do to me?

Harry: Just relax.

The driver gets the needle ready……_jabbing it into Harry's arm_. –SHOINK!-

Harry: ACK! What the hell are you doin….g……arrrr……(He slumps over to the side).

Marilyn: Wha!?...Oh, thank you! Thank you!

The driver takes off her cap and lets her hair down. Turning out to be _Mandy_….

Mandy (disguised): Don't thank me. I never said I was saving you.

Marilyn: Uh……

She holds up a gun to Marilyn.

Mandy: But I am going to have to ask you to come with me.

Marilyn: o….okay…..

They both get out of the limo as Harry lies unconscious.

2:59:57  
2:59:58  
2:59:59  
3:00:00

Big Bird: Okay, _Lights! Camera!_...wait…..'Where are the prisoners!?'

Elmo: I can't find them!

Big Bird: Oh juicy fruit! They must have escaped.

Elmo: YAY!

Big Bird: No, you moron, that's bad.

Elmo: Oh….

Big Bird: FIND THEM!

Elmo: Right!

Elsewhere….

Fred, Paul, and Sam are running down the street.

Paul: What are we going to do?

A trolley wheels past them.

Fred: Hop on!

They start chasing after the trolley. Fred and Paul hop on.

Paul: Here!

Paul reaches his hand out and helps Sam on board. In the distance, they can see the residents of _Sesame Street_ try to chase after them!

Big Bird: DAMMIT!

Ernie: Hey, you can't swear!

Big Bird: Oh, shut up.

Fred: So long, suckers! HA!

Big Bird: This isn't over, writers. This…..is……not……over…….

Sam: Woo hoo!

Paul: Now we can get back to THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred: Yeah….(He goes to the front to talk to the driver).

Fred: Hey, can you take us…..

Driver: _You are going to go where we take you_…..

Fred: Wha….what?

Kermit The Frog (holding up a gun): _And I think it would be in your best interest not to argue._

Fred: Oh hell's bells! Don't you people have anything better to do!?

Paul: Uh, Fred?

Fred looks back to see Miss Piggy and Gonzo holding Paul and Sam at gun and knifepoint.

Fred: Un-freaking-believable!

Paul (To Miss Piggy): So….._you and Kermit_…..how does that work, anyway? I mean…._he's a frog_…..

Miss Piggy: Silence, you! _HIIII-YA!_

She knocks him out. –WHACK!-

Paul: Ooof!

NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW '24'……..-SWOOSH-

President Love is up to no good, as is Ex-President Rolando Callahan. What's up with that?!

Rolando: You will deliver Audrey Raines to me right now!

Man on phone: Okay……_did you want any hot wings, cheese sticks, or soda to go with your pizza?_

Rolando: Hot wings, please!

Audrey and Kim are running down some hallway. They are stopped by hit men.

Man: Going somewhere?

Kim: I got this under control. Eat '_Super Karate Dragon Lotus Kick'_!

Kim lifts her leg 2 centimeters in the air.

Kim: AAAH! _LEG CRAMP!_

Audrey: That was pretty pathetic……

Kim: ooooooh, it hurts so…….

Hey, Mandy's back!

Marilyn: What is going on here?

Mandy: I know……everything….

Marilyn: Really? What did I have for lunch last week?

Mandy: Not that! Ugh……

And Tony has to make one of the most difficult decisions of his entire life……

_Howie Mandell_: Okay, Tony Almeida. The banker is offering you _1 dollar and a wad of belly button lint_…….

Tony: Whew!

Howie: So, Tony….._Deal_….._or No Deal?_

Tony: Oh! I don't know!

He looks back at Jack, Michelle, and Chloe who are screaming "NO DEAL!".

Tony: That's a lot of money; I just can't take the risk of losing it all……'DEAL!'

Michelle falls to the floor. –CRASH!-

Tony: Michelle! I DID IT!!!!

Chloe (to Michelle): _What do you see in him?_...Seriously……

That's it for this episode, now let's give it up for Chloe O'Brian who is going to sing the '24' theme song while we go to the credits!

Chloe: WHAT?! Again….?

Just do it!

Chloe: Crap….fine…..

Chloe (singing): Duh, duh, dum…..dooooo dooooo dee dooooo doooo, dum ditty dum, dum ditty, dum, dum dum, dum ditty dum, ditty ditty dum dum.

What is that?

Chloe: Give me a break! The theme song doesn't have words!

Well, put some in then.

Chloe: Oh, geez…..

From the top!

24

Starring  
Jack Bauer  
Chloe O'Brian  
Bill Buchanan  
Nadia Yassir  
Milo Pressman  
Morris O'Brian  
Tony Almeida  
Michelle Dessler  
…and the rest…..

Chloe (singing the end credits theme): _You've just watched 24_….._god only knows why, you must've been bored, really really bored, really bored, really bored bored!_

Chloe:_ There's nothing better to do_…._Except to watch 'Heroes' it comes on the same exact time on NBC._

Chloe: _The producers are glaring at me angrily; better wrap this up before we get cancelled!_

Chloe: _I hope I don't die next weeeek._ Duhn duhn duhn!

Chloe: How was that?

You are sooo fired!

Chloe: Great…..

4 EPISODES LEFT, ALL NEW HOUR OF 24 CONTINUES….NEXT WEEK……beep….beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..


	21. 3:00am 'The Pursuit Of Crappiness'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that awesomeness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. None of Britney Spears' backup dancers were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 21

3:00am – 4:00am 'The Pursuit Of Crappiness'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred enters the writer's room, sitting at the table with fellow writers Paul and Sam.

Fred: Well, I don't know about you guys; but I sure am glad we were able to survive our encounter _with the Muppets!_

Paul: Yeah, that was not fun.

Sam: Agreed.

Fred: But all that is behind us now, and we can finally get on with our lives.

Receptionist Betty walks into the room carrying a box.

Betty: Here, Fred, somebody left this for you.

Fred: A gift? Who could've left this for me?

Fred takes the box and opens it, he pulls out a card.

Fred: Hmm…..

The card reads:

"_I told you that 'It wasn't over'! A gift from an old friend. –Big Bird"_

Fred: WHAT!?

Suddenly, a cloud of green gas bellows out of the box. –POOF!-

Fred: uuuuugh….. –COLLAPSE!-

Sam: Hmm…..

Paul: How odd….oh well, I guess we can take it from here. Let's get to writin! (Laces his fingers to 'pop' them.) –CRACK!-

Paul: Ow, my brittle fingers….ooooh, that stung……

-LATER-

MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF DOOM!...(oh brother)…..

Evil Dictator _Archduke Milo Von Pressman _is sitting at the head table of the other members of the Legion Of Doom. On his head lies a plastic container with a giant brain in it...oookay.

Milo Von Pressman (standing up): My evil minions! Tonight we will attack the city! Those pesky '_Awesome Friends_' won't stop us now! MWA, HA, HA!

Chloe and Morris are the only other ones sitting at the table.

Chloe (as The Evil Feline Femme Fatale): _Purr_! Yes, those '_Awful_ _Friends_' will be destroyed. _Purr!_...God, this is so stupid!...Seriously, _can I take this costume off!?_ It's itchy and I think it's giving me fleas!

Morris (as The Evil……..CLUMP!): _CLUMP SMASH!_...dahling!

Milo Von Pressman: This is my evil plan…..

Milo Von Pressman whips off a sheet covering his master plan. –WHOOSH!-

Milo: We will build a rocket that will go into space.

Chloe: Most rockets do.

Milo: At the time of the lunar eclipse, which is set to go into motion tomorrow at noon. The rocket will detonate, sending _millions of thumbtacks towards the earth's surface!_

Morris: _CLUMP_…..confused?

Chloe: Uh….._thumbtacks?_

Milo: YES! Thumbtacks! These little devils will impale all the citizens of 'Prude City', and it will hurt…..really…..really…..bad! HA, HA!

Morris and Chloe look at each other.

Chloe: Um…..Milo…..

Milo: ARCHDUKE!

Chloe: Ugh…..Archduke Milo….

Milo: VON PRESSMAN!

Chloe: Shut up!

Milo: Okay….

Chloe: Doesn't thumbtacks seem a little……I don't know……..the stupidest idea ever!?

Milo: No…..it is my will……as…._THE EVIL ARCHDUKE MILO VON PRESSMAN!_...HA, HA, HA!

Chloe whams her head on the table as Morris eats some cheese.

Morris: _CLUMP hungry! CHEESE good!_

Chloe: -groan-……

MEANWHILE, AT THE SUPER LEAGUE OF AWESOME FRIENDS!

Captain Bauer enters the 'Hall Of Justice' with the other Awesome Friends.

C. Bauer: Awesome Friends! Together we will fight for justice and freedom! State your names…..

Michelle: I am _The Ice Princess_; Fighting foes with my awesome frozen powers.

Kim: I am _The Amazing Kim-Napped!_ I have the extraordinary skill of _getting myself abducted_!

Someone pops out of the vent and grabs Kim.

Kim: EEK! –SWOOP!-

Tony: I am '_CELLULAR BOY!_'….for I have the power to _change my ring tone on my Nokia_…..anywhere in the world!

Jack: Uh….

Karen: And I am….._'The Flying Chef_!' I can conjure food wherever I am……and I can fly……and read minds……….and walk through walls……

Jack: Wow, _what sucky superpowers_……moving on to today's plan….

Suddenly, Bill Buchanan appears on screen, he does not get a cool super name…..because he is not super.

Bill: Rude! Anyway….._AWESOME FRIENDS!_ We have a situation….

Captain Bauer: What is it, Bill?

Bill: The _Legion Of Doom_ is going to attack the city!

Michelle: When?

Bill: Tomorrow! They are going to launch a rocket into space when the lunar eclipse happens. The rocket will then explode releasing thousands of _thumbtacks_ onto the people of Earth!

Michelle: You're kidding, right?

Jack: AHHHHHH! _Thumbtacks!?_

Jack runs and jumps out of a window. –CRASH!-

Michelle: That was unexpected…..

THE NEXT DAY….IN THE CITY OF 'PRUDE'…..THE LEGION OF DOOM IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!

Milo Von Pressman: This is it! My Criminally Criminal Mastermind Plan is about to go into affect! HA, HA!

Chloe: _Purr_, Archduke! The '_Awesome Fools'_ are here!

Chloe coughs up a furball. –HACK! SPLURT!-

Morris: EW! Dahling, that's disgusting!

Chloe: Give me a break, I'm a cat…woman….thing….oh I just hate this entire scenario. Those stupid _Fox Writers_ are really starting to get on my nerves!

Milo Von Pressman: Get them!

Captain Bauer, The Ice Princess, Kim-Napped, Cellular Boy, and The Flying Chef arrive on the scene.

C. Bauer: Not so fast, Von Pressman! We're throwing you in the slammer.

Milo: We'll see. Get them CLUMP!

Morris: _CLUMP SMASH!_

Chloe: Uh….I feel a little outnumbered.

An eagle swoops down and grabs Kim with its talons, flying off into the distance.

Eagle: CAW!

Kim: AHH!

Chloe: Well, that's a little better.

Michelle: Eat frozen death!

Chloe: _Purr_…..man, will this thing end? Can't we start the stupid show already!?

Michelle whips out a _7-11 Big Gulp_ cup, grabbing a handful of ice and lobbing it at Chloe! –RATTLE!-

Jack: _THAT'S YOUR POWER!?_

Michelle: What?

Jack: That's…..just awful…..

Chloe: Take this!

Chloe pulls out a cat from under her jacket and flings it at Michelle. –_MEOW!-_

Michelle: ACK!

Tony: Oh no, my cell phone just died!

Karen: _I just made a sandwich!_

Paul walks into the writer's room to see Fred _shredding all the drafts of the episode_.

Paul: Hey! What are you doing?

Fred: We got accosted by _Muppets_ because of episodes like this. I'm not going to let that happen again.

Paul: Well…..about that….

Fred: Huh?...What did you do?

Paul: That was the _first draft_…..

Fred: You already sent the final copy through?!

Paul: Uh….sort of….

Fred: Crap!

Receptionist Betty (on speaker): _Fred, please report to the front desk. There's a 'Big Bird' here to see you_…..

Fred glares at Paul, who chuckles nervously.

Paul: I'm in trouble, aren't I?

Fred: Oh yes……big trouble……-sigh-…..I'll deal with you when I get back. For now, _I have Muppets to deal with._

He storms out the door grabbing a baseball bat along the way. –SLAM!-

Paul sits back down on the desk.

Paul (writing): _Previously on 'The Awesome Friends'_…..

Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……bepbepbpepbepbpebpepbepbepbe….24!!!!!

Tom Lennox's Stunt Double: Previously on 24…..

Jack: WHAT?! _Tom Lennox gets a stunt double!?_ Why can't I get one? Doing all my stunts is dangerous!

Producer: Budget cuts…..

Jack: Weak!

-SWOOSH-

Bill: Rolando Callahan has gotten away and is threatening to release a deadly toxin into the city's water supply. We good folks here at CTU are on the case…._in this stupid tree house_.

Billy The Psycho Kid: …that belongs to me!

Billy smacks around some guy and pops in _7__th__ Heaven_ on DVD.

Billy: Where is Callahan?!

Terrorist: He has a secret hideout at the carnival.

Bill: Go get him _AWESOME FRIENDS!_

Chloe: -ahem!-

Bill: Oh, right. We weren't doing that anymore… (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Jack gets tranquilized, falling to the floor. He wakes up at a mysterious house.

Jack: Where am I?

Rolando: I've decided to finish you off for good, by setting up these explosives.

Jack: There's only way out of here!

Jack pulls out _A Wish Troll_.

Jack: I wish myself out of here!

He rubs the gem stone on its stomach, the Troll self destructs. –POOF!-

Jack: Well, guess it's

Jack: Well, I guess I'm resorting to 'Plan B' then…. (JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Hit men are opening fire upon Chloe, Michelle, and Tony, who are ducked behind the car that wrecked against a telephone pole.

Chloe: This is bad!

A taxi cab drives through, knocking the assailants out of the way.

Hitman: EEK! –WHAP!-

Karen: Hop on in! (KAREN HAYES, THAT ONE GIRL, THAT OTHER GIRL, AND HER HUSBAND)

Tony: Nice…….

Chloe types at her computer.

Chloe: I got it; I managed to lock the tracking into place and retrieved Jack's location.

Taxicab Driver (pulling out a gun): Not so fast!

Chloe: Crap…..

-SWOOSH-

The peoples at the counter terrorist unit walk down the street. Cars pull up and they pounce.

Bill: Ruh roh!

Morris: I got this under control.

Morris lets off a smoke bomb. –POOF!-

Milo and Nadia clear the smoky goodness.

Milo: We got separated from the group.

Nadia: There's no time to stick around here, we need to move.

Milo's mother 'Mama Pressman' opens the door to her house.

Mama P: Milo! Come in, I made brownies!

Milo: Sweet!

-SWOOSH!-

Steve: This is Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace; you are going to be serving the drunks here.

Bill: Oh goody.

Morris and the others are surrounding the computer.

Morris: I don't understand, the connection just dropped.

The Frialator 9000 explodes as the gang jumps into the back alley.

Hit Man: You're coming with us.

Baxter: Don't you people have anything better to do than kidnap people?!

-SWOOSH-

Sherry Palmer: I am the new director of CTU.

Kim (to Baxter): I think CTU is collapsing.

A giant piece of debris falls on Sherry. –CRASH!-

A doctor wheels Sherry out of surgery. (SHERRY PALMER)

-SWOOSH-

Charles Logan runs away from the CTU wreckage. At a Train Station….

Martha Logan: I can't believe I'm helping you escape.

Logan: You help me….I help you.

On the train….

Logan: That looks like Australian President Harry Love…..

Harry walks up to the two.

Harry: You left your purse in my car.

Martha: Whoops….

Logan: Good going… (CHARLES LOGAN)

-SWOOSH!-

Michelle: Oh crap, Marilyn Bauer is dead.

Tony: We'll solve the mystery.

Michelle: Yeah, we suck as _CSI's_

Later in a limousine…

Marilyn: Where are you taking me?

Harry: You'll see.

The driver sticks a needle in President Love.

Harry: What the hell are…..you…..doing…..ugh….

He passes out. The driver reveals herself to be _Mandy_.

Marilyn: Thank you for saving me.

Mandy: I wasn't.

Marilyn: Oh……that's not good.

Mandy (pointing a gun at her): You're going to have to come with me.

Mandy gets Marilyn out of the car and they take off running down the street.

Michelle: The following takes place between 3:00am and 4:00am.

Rain starts to pour down in front of the 'Super Geek 24 Hour Internet Café'. Inside, the taxi cab driver has Chloe, Michelle, Tony, Karen, the rest of the computer peeps held hostage at gunpoint. Why are so many people out and about this early in the morning? I don't know, they're weird. But enough about them, let's continue to see when these people are going to _bite the big one…_

Chloe: Oh thanks, I feel much better….

The Driver, whose name is Les (yes, he does have a name), paces back and forth frantically. Michelle scoffs impatiently.

Michelle: Are you going somewhere with this?

Les: I need to know where Audrey Raines is. Then I'll let you go.

Michelle: Oh please! I'm not falling for that. Besides, we don't even know where she is!

Les: That's unfortunate…(He picks up his ringing phone)

Les: Yeah…..oh you did?...Good…..yeah, these guys claim not to know where she is…….yeah…..let me know if you guys have any luck getting any answers on your side.

Tony (fiddling with his cell phone): WHAT?! _Almost 3 bucks to download a ring tone?!_ What a rip off!

At the Pressman Residence.

Nadia walks downstairs into the living room. Milo is chowing down on brownies. –MUNCH!-

Nadia: Milo, uh….can I ask you something?

Milo: Sure.

Nadia: Um….._why doesn't this house have any restrooms_?

Milo: Don't be ridiculous! Of course this house has a restroom.

Nadia: Well, I checked here and upstairs and…..yeah…..no bathroom to speak of.

Milo: Let me show you where it is.

Milo and Nadia walk upstairs and down a hallway. They approach a door.

Milo: Here we go.

He opens the door leading into a storage room.

Nadia: This doesn't look like a restroom.

Milo: Hmm…..I guess we don't have any restrooms. Oh well, _go in that corner over there_.

Nadia: WHAT?! I'm not…'going'…in a corner!

Milo: Don't worry, I won't look.

Nadia: That's not it.

Milo (turning around): Look! I'm turned around, I'm not looking.

Nadia: Forget it. Let's just go. I'll go to a convenience store or something.

Milo: Fine….

Milo reaches for the doorknob to the room when it breaks off, falling to the ground. –KLINK!-

Milo: Uh oh….

Nadia: _Uh oh!?_...Uh….what 'Uh oh'?

Milo: Uh…..nothing! Nothing's wrong.

Nadia: Then open the door.

Milo: Um…I…..can't.

Nadia: I'm sorry…._You can't?_...Why not?

Milo: Because….the….knob….fell….off….sorta. (He holds up the doorknob).

Nadia: That's kind of a big 'Uh oh'.

Milo: Yes. Yes it is…..

Nadia: So now we're stuck….

Milo: Yes. Yes we are…..

Nadia: That's just great….

3:05:07, at Rolando's secret hideout base.

Jack is tied up as the bomb in front of him keeps ticking.

Jack: Okay, I can do this…..I just need some a good 'confidence boost'.

Jack squirms around, pulling his 'Daily Affirmations Calendar' from his pocket.

Jack: Perfect!

Jack reads today's date.

Jack (reading): _Well, you've had a good run. Don't make too big of a mess when you go 'boom'!_...WHAT?!

He tosses the calendar away.

Jack: What sucky affirmations. I don't feel better at all.

He looks at the bomb and gets an idea.

Jack: Let's see….

Jack tries to shuffle into a 'lying down' position, desperately trying to grab the bomb with his feet. –SWIPE!-

Jack: Almost….almost there…..

A bird flies in and flies into the bomb, knocking it back several feet. –WHAMP!-

Jack: Stupid birds! Ugh, _why did he leave that door open!_

On some street, a van zooms by. Bill, Baxter, and Morris are tied up inside. One of the men who kidnapped them leans down to Bill and pulls down the handkerchief that was in his mouth.

Bill: That handkerchief doesn't taste very good.

Kidnapper Bob: We know Audrey Rains was with you. Tell us where she is….

Bill: Why?..._She's not a witch again, is she?_

K Bob: Uh….no. We just need to borrow her.

Bill: For what?

K Bob: Quit asking questions!

Bill: Well, that's not very fair.

K Bob goes back to the front.

Driver Rod: How's it going?

K Bob: Not well. They aren't talking.

D Rod: Yeah, I just got off the phone with Les. They got some of CTU held up at the _Internet Café_ off of 4th street. But they're not telling where Raines is either.

K Bob: We have to find her or the boss is going to be miffed.

D Rod (handing him a gun): You know what to do….

K Bob: Yeah…..

He grabs the gun and heads into the back.

Bill: Are you going to shoot us?

K Bob: If you don't start talking.

Bill: We got separated.

Baxter (spitting out his handkerchief): Yeah, because of that smoke bomb.

Morris (spitting out his): Well, I didn't have a choice…..

K Bob: Well, I'm going to give you guys some time to…'try to remember'…and you better come up with something when I get back.

He heads back up front.

Baxter: Okay, we have to get out of here.

Morris: I know!

Morris reaches for _another smoke bomb_.

Bill: ACK! No, not another one….

Baxter: Wait…..that actually might help us this time….not like last time where we all got separated.

Morris: It's always 'Morris' fault'…..isn't it.

Baxter: Actually, it is.

Bill: Yeah.

Morris: Hmph!

3:10:12, Mandy and Marilyn Bauer walk underground to a Subway Station.

Marilyn: What's happening? Why am I here?

Mandy: Uh…just get in.

Mandy forces Marilyn into the subway. They take a seat.

Marilyn: Will you please answer my question. Why am I here? The last thing I remember was….being in the terrorist prison. Then next thing I know, I'm in a car with _The President of Australia_! What is going on here?

Mandy: I can't tell you anything.

Marilyn: You can't?..._or You won't_.

Mandy: Hey, you're pretty smart……okay, 'I won't'.

Marilyn: Why not?

Mandy: Because it's none of your business.

Marilyn: Well, I was kidnapped, and now I'm here. I think it is my business.

Mandy: Will you be quiet!? _I'm trying to play 'Jewel Quest' on my cell phone_ and you are so breaking my concentration!

Marilyn scoffs and sits back in her seat.

At some convenience store.

Audrey is at the check out register, Kim approaches with a _Klondike Bar_.

Audrey: Ech…..you eat those?

Kim: Yeah. They are the bomb.

Audrey: Aren't those kinda….fattening?

Kim: Well, yeah….but I work it off.

Audrey: By what?

Kim: Huh?

Audrey: How do you work it off?

Kim: What?

Audrey: Your fat!

Kim: WHAT!? How rude, I am not fat!

Audrey: No! I meant what do you do to lose weight?

Kim: Well, _I'm Kim Bauer_, I'm always on the run.

Audrey: I see.

Kim: See that suspicious individual standing at the window twiddling his fingers together mischievously? He's probably like "Oh look, it's Kim Bauer. _My oh my, she looks pretty today_. I think I'll kidnap her and we can go to a nice picnic and we can get married and have a '_Jerry Seinfeld' ice statue_ at the reception" yeah….I can see that happening.

Audrey: Do those kidnappers _usually return you_?

Kim: That was uncalled for.

Clerk: Is that all you want?

Audrey: I'll take a hotdog.

Kim: EW! Audrey, that's just gross.

Audrey: What's wrong? I'm hungry.

Kim: Audrey, you don't eat hotdogs from convenient stores, rumor has it that they're tainted!

Audrey: Tainted…_with what?_

Kim: I don't know, bad stuff.

Audrey: Whatever. 1 hot dog, please.

Clerk: _Tainted or Non Tainted?_ We have a buy one, get one free special going on for our tainted hotdogs.

Audrey: Oh good, that means you can get one too, Kim!

Kim: Uh…

Audrey: _Two tainted hotdogs!_

The clerk opens the case to see a few mice _trying to steal the hotdogs!_

Clerk: WHA!?

Bob Mouse: Oh no! _It's the humans!_

Ted Mouse: He must be after the hotdogs!

Willy Mouse: _Run!_

The mice try to take off with the hotdog. The clerk grabs the mice and throws them to the side. –DINK!-

Clerk: That's better. (To Audrey) They'll be right out….

Audrey: Great! _Did you hear that Kim, _he said 'They'll be right out'!

Kim holds her hand over her mouth on the verge of _blowing chunks_.

Kim: Brrrph…

3:15:11. Milo and Nadia are sitting down in the 2nd story storage room at Mama Pressman's house / Jack is kicking his legs frantically trying to escape / Tom Lennox is walking down a corridor in the White House / Sherry is flipping through channels in her hospital room.

Tom rounds a corner and enters the Oval Office.

Tom: Mr. President, you should get some sleep.

Noah: I don't know, Tom. We need to find out what happened to Karen. Her insanely fast helicopter never left the airfield. I know she's _not that useful_ and she eats all my food around here, but she is an important member to the staff.

Tom: Really?

Noah: No, that's my exhaustion talking. But we should probably do something anyway.

Tom: What do you suggest, sir?

Noah: I don't know, Tom……I don't know…..(He turns to look out the window).

Tom: ….hmmm…..well, great! I'm off then!

Noah: You can't leave!

Tom: Mr. President, please! It's past 3 in the morning. I want to sleep!

Noah: Not now, Noah. This comes first. Here, take this _DNA sample_.

Tom: What?

Noah: Take it downstairs to the lab.

Tom: _We have a lab?_

Noah: Of course we have a lab. You will take this _nasty wad of Karen's hair_…

Tom: Gross.

Noah: And take it to the search hounds.

Tom: I beg your pardon, sir?

Noah: These search hounds will smell her nasty wad of hair, and set out to find her.

Tom: Mr. President, if I may object….

Noah: If you must…

Tom: I really don't think sending search hounds to find Karen is a wise idea.

Noah: Why not?

Tom: Well, we are in Washington D.C.

Noah: And?

Tom: _She's in Los Angeles!_

Noah: So……that means?

Tom: The search hounds will most likely croak before they get there.

Noah: That is bad, isn't it?

Tom: Uh, yeah….

Noah: Okay, I'll think of a new plan.

Tom: Swell….(He turns to leave)

Noah: Uh, Tom?

Tom: Huh?

Noah: Are you forgetting something? (He shakes the wad of hair at him)

Tom: Oh, you still want to do that…..

Noah: Until I come up with something better.

Tom: -Groan-

Meanwhile, on _Das Bus_…..

Charles and Martha Logan are sitting in their seats. A homeless man walks up to them.

Homeless Bob: Hi, you have any change.

Logan: No, go away.

Martha: Charles, be nice to the man, he just wants some…..

H Bob: _Do YOU have any change?_

Martha: Um, I'm talking to my somewhat husband, go away!

Logan: _'Somewhat'?_

Martha: I still haven't forgiven you for your stupid actions back then, so I'm referring to you as my 'Somewhat' husband.

Logan: That's nice.

The two of them were conversing while _Mike Doyle_, who was sitting in front of them, flips through an issue of _Time Magazine_.

Doyle: Why is this magazine so popular?...Hey, there's that _Oprah Magazine_……..aw, I already read this one.

Logan (leaning forward): Hey, do you have this month's issue of _Oprah's Magazine_…._'O'…_or whatever…..

Doyle: Sure. I've already read it….

Doyle turns around to hand it to him, him and Logan freeze face to face.

Logan: Eeeh……

Doyle: Uh……

Logan: Hi!

Doyle: Charles Logan! What are you doing here?

Logan: I'm not Charles Logan….._this is all a dream!_...That's it….._you are only dreaming_…..

Doyle: I seriously doubt that.

Logan: Well, I tried.

Doyle: If I recall, weren't you in CTU holding?

Logan: Funny thing about that. The building fell down, I escaped to the train station, ran into Harry Love and some woman, we got caught, and now we're here.

Doyle: Well, I'm putting you under arrest, you have the right to remain……wait…..Did you say Harry Love?

Logan: Yea.

Doyle: Why is Harry Love here?

Logan: Like I would know that!

Doyle: Something isn't adding up. (He gets on his cell phone).

Logan: …..

Doyle: I can't get a hold of anyone…….I need to get back to CTU.

Logan: Heh, good luck with that.

3:20:11. At the hospital, Sherry turns off the television. A nurse walks in.

Nurse: Here you go…..some delicious _hospital food!_

Sherry: Oh no, I heard all about when _Doyle was here_. I'll take some 'Burger King', thanks……

The nurse leaves, Sherry relaxes.

Sherry: Ah, peace and quiet. No CTU to worry about. Hmm, I do kinda wonder how they're doing. Oh well, who cares.

She closes her eyes to get some rest…………zzzzzzzzz…………she opens her eyes to see a hand over her head, that hand belonging to none other than _George Mason_…..oh man…..

Sherry: AHHH!

George: AHHH!

Sherry: AHHH!

George: AHHHH!

Sherry: What are _you_ doing here? I thought you were dead!

George: I'd like to ask you the same thing!

Sherry: Are you here to swipe my soul or something…?

George: Yeah, but this doesn't make any sense….

Sherry: Well if I recall, you blew up in that plane.

George: And if I recall, you got shot by Wayne Palmer's psycho girlfriend. I read up……

Sherry: Well, they brought me back to be _a robotic assistant to Ronald Palmer_ when he was in office, then they just made me human for budget cuts. Then Jack went back in time and _ran over Celine Dion_ which altered the fabric of time and space and made me _The Director of CTU_……

George: I'm the Grim Reaper…….

Sherry: Wow, I think my story trumps yours……

George: No it doesn't….I'm 'Death'…..

Sherry: TRUMP!

George: I reap the souls of the living…..you should fear me!

Sherry: TRUMPED!

George: No you didn't.

Sherry: So trumped…..

George: Quit it….

Sherry: _Trumpity, Trump, Trump, Trump!_

George: Whatever.

Sherry: Who was that….Donald…_TRUMP!_

George: Real mature…..

Sherry: Did I just play…_The TRUMP card?_

George: -Sigh-….

Sherry (singing): _My Trumps! My trump, my trump, my trump. My trump, my trump, my trump. My lovely little trumps_! _CHECK IT OUT!_

George: Uuugggh…….

3:25:13, Back at Mama P's house.

Milo bangs on the door.

Milo: Hey mom! We're stuck up here! Let us out!

Nadia: Ask her why she doesn't have any restrooms in this house.

Milo: I told you to go in the corner.

Nadia: For the last time, _I'm not going in the friggin corner!_

Milo: Okay….hold it then……..drip….

Nadia!

Milo: Drip……drop……drip…..drop….

Nadia: Milo, stop it!

Milo: Oh, _How I love the flow of rushing waterfalls! Splishing and splashing all around._

Nadia: Milo, _'Splishing' _isn't a word, and if you don't stop talking about watery things, I will kill you where you stand!

Milo: ….

Nadia: ….

Milo: ….

Nadia: ….

Milo: …..drip!

Nadia: _Dammit, Milo!_

Back in the van where Bill's group is captured….

Morris: Okay, ready….

Bill and Baxter nod.

Morris: I need something to light the bomb with….

Baxter: I don't know….

Bill: Oooh, I have an idea.

Bill crawls up to the front of the van.

K Bob: Are you finally ready to tell us where Audrey Raines is?

Bill: Yes, but in just a second. I just need the _van's cigarette lighter_.

D Rod shrugs.

K Bob: I guess.

He hands the lighter to Bill as he heads back.

Bill: Okay, try this.

Morris: Good work, dahling, this should be enough.

Morris holds up the lighter to the bomb's fuse……

Morris: Come on, dammit…..

The fuse ignites!

Baxter: Do something with it!

Morris quickly places the bomb near where the two kidnappers are sitting. The fuse burns up…….and nothing happens….

Morris: Uh….

Baxter: Are you kidding me, it was a dud?!

Morris: Unbelievable!

He starts making his way toward the bomb.

Morris: I swear, just once I wanted to make a good bomb to….

-KABOOOM!-

The explosion sends Morris flying to the back of the van. The force of his body slamming into the back doors sends them flying open.

Bill: Whoa!

Bill, Morris, and Baxter roll out of the back of the van as it loses control and drives through the front glass window of a floral shop. –CRASH!-

Baxter (attempting to strangle Morris): You idiot! You almost got us killed!

Morris: Hmm……that didn't _look_ like a smoke bomb.

Baxter: Probably because it _was a real bomb_, genius.

Morris: That could be why?

Bill: We need to look around and try to find a way to get in contact with everyone. And find Audrey since for some strange reason, everybody wants her.

Back at the convenience store.

Audrey approaches the counter.

Audrey: Excuse me, _this hotdog tastes too fresh_. I would like a refund please…….Hello?

Audrey looks over the counter to see the Clerk lying down in a pool of blood.

Audrey: Not good.

Audrey walks back over to Kim trying to eat her disgusting food. She opens a bag of potato chips and a mouse pops out.

Mouse: Hello, friend!

Kim: AIEEEEE!

She flings the bag across the room, slamming against the wall. –WHAP!-

Mouse: OW! You crazy broad!

Kim: I swear this place is worse than _CTU's cafeteria._

Audrey: Kim, we have a problem.

Kim: _You think!?_

Audrey: The clerk is dead.

Kim: What?

Audrey: Yeah, I think we need to get out of here, and fast.

Kim: Okay, maybe we'll run into a _White Castle_ or something.

Audrey: You like their hamburgers?

Kim: Yeah, they're pretty tasty.

Audrey: I don't care for them.

Kim: You just haven't been living.

Audrey: I guess not…

A bullet whizzes by them and shatters the glass window next to the table. –SHATTER!- Audrey and Kim hide underneath it.

Kim: Someone is shooting at us!

Audrey: Uh…..duh…..

The mysterious shooter walks up and down through the convenience store.

Kim: Great, now what?

3:30:12. Sherry has her pillow over her face while George sharpens his scythe / Tom is running through the woods with the search hounds on a leash / Mandy and Marilyn are sitting in the subway / Bill is lurking around someone's house, peeping through the living room window.

Marilyn: Will you at least tell me where President Love was taking me?

Mandy: Okay, you are asking way too many questions. Here….

She hands Marilyn a box of _Altoids_.

Marilyn: Oooh, thanks.

She opens the 'Altoids' tin box and some sleeping gas fumes in her face. –POOF!-

Marilyn: Ugh…..(Collapse to the floor).

Mandy: Much better….

She dials her cell phone.

Mandy (talking on phone): It's me………yeah, I succeeded…….You will have her by the top of the hour……….-sigh-, yes I know that seems kinda weird how I'll be there at that exact time but that's just when I'll be there!...okay……..and I'll get my money as well?...good……..See you soon _Mr. Callahan_...(Hangs up)…..

Meanwhile, at _Some House_!

Baxter and Morris are sneaking through the bushes. Bill has some equipment in a bag; he is working in front of the living room window.

Baxter: What are you doing?

Bill: We need to sneak into this house and try to recuperate. I have these tools to cut a perfect shape through glass so we can fit through.

Morris: This house kinda looks familiar, dahling.

Baxter leans out of the bushes and notices the mailbox, which reads '_The Buchanan's!_'

Baxter smacks his cougar-y forehead.

Baxter: Oh, for the love of _Gobstoppers_….

Back at the Convenience Store….

The shooter is scanning an aisle looking for Audrey and Kim; they are sneaking on the other side.

Audrey (whispering): I have an idea.

Kim: Okay.

Audrey: I am going to the end of the aisle and knock something off the shelf. That will distract him, and we make a run for it.

Kim: Sounds good.

Kim looks up and sees a bus pull up in front of the store.

Kim: We're saved….

Audrey: We better move fast, get ready.

Audrey creeps along to the end of the aisle and knocks off a can of beans; it hits the ground. –CLANK!-

The shooter spins around and walks over to investigate the sound. Audrey sneaks back over to Kim and motions for her to 'go', they take off running out the door.

On the bus, the driver opens the door and stands up.

Bus Driver Bob: I need to grab some milk. I'll be right back.

Doyle, Charles and Martha Logan who are also on board are confused.

Doyle: Isn't it kinda inappropriate for him to just stop to take care of personal errands?

Charles and Martha shrug.

Doyle: I won't stand for this. I'm in a hurry; I have to get back to CTU since _nobody is answering their phones_.

Doyle gets up and walks off the bus. He sees the driver on the ground in a pool of blood.

Doyle: What the?

The shooter fires at Doyle, he runs around the bus into Kim and Audrey.

Doyle: AH! What the hell are _you two_ doing here?

Audrey: Don't ask.

Doyle: And I don't feel safe with _Kim being here_.

Kim: Why not?

Doyle: Oh let's see, I got shot the last time we were stranded at a convenience store….

Kim: Oh right… (Laughs)

Doyle: Hmph!

Audrey: What are we going to do? He shot your bus driver.

Doyle: Yeah. Kim, run out there.

Kim: WHAT!?

Doyle: I need to use you as bait so I can get the upper hand on him.

The shooter walks back behind the bus where Doyle and the others are.

Shooter: Hello!

Kim picks up a rock and chunks it at him. –BONK!- He falls…..

Doyle: Or we can do that. Come on, I'll drive this bus back to CTU.

Kim and Audrey look at each other.

They get back on board the bus. Kim notices The Logan's.

Kim: Hey! I know you.

Logan: Oh crap…..

Audrey: Um, Mike?

Doyle: What is it?

Audrey: CTU kinda burned down and that's how we all got separated.

Doyle: Burned down? Huh?

Audrey: I don't know where everyone else is.

Doyle: Well, I guess we'll just have to find them.

Doyle puts the bus in gear and starts to take off.

3:35:11, back at the Internet Café.

Les pulls out his gun and points it at Tony.

Tony: WHA!? Why do you have to point it at me?! Shoot Chloe first!

Chloe: Tony, you jerk!

Les: Dammit, I don't have time for this. You need to tell me where Raines is now!

Michelle: For the last time, we don't know where she is!

Les: I don't believe you.

Michelle: Ugh…

Les' phone rings, he answers it.

Chloe: This is stupid; we have to find a way to get out of here.

Tony: I told you I can tell him one of my jokes.

Michelle: Tony, it's not going to do us any good if we all die from being subjected to your stupidity.

Tony: Rude!

Chloe: What do you think Karen……Karen?

They see Karen talking on her phone.

Michelle: Uh!

Les: HEY! YOU! With the phone!

Karen: Oh, hello.

Les (On the phone): I have to go….

He storms toward Karen, who is still on the phone.

Les: I have you held hostage for a reason. You are not supposed to be talking on the phone; do you have a death wish?

Karen: It's really strange, I called _The Psychic Friends Hotline_, and all I heard was _Rolando Callahan_ talking.

Les: Uh…..no you didn't.

Karen: It was the strangest thing, he was talking about Audrey.

Les: No he wasn't!

Michelle: Karen, how do you know that?

Karen: I don't know….

Chloe: Your guys' lines must have crossed or something.

Les: No they didn't!

Tony tackles Les while he's distracted with Karen and he pins him to the ground. –KLUMP!-

Everyone cheers.

Tony: Okay, scumbag! Start talking.

Michelle: Are you working for Callahan?

Les: I'm not telling you anything.

Tony: Yay! Can we torture him now?

Michelle: Well, okay. But Jack's better at this sort of thing.

Chloe: But how?

Karen pulls out _THE WHEEL OF TORTURE METHODS!_

Everybody claps.

Tony: Okay, Karen. Spin the wheel!

Karen: Will do!

She spins the wheel as hard as she can. It spins……..and spins……..and spins……

Chloe: And spins……..

Michelle: Karen, stop the wheel.

Karen grabs on, abruptly stopping the wheel.

Michelle: Okay, Karen. What does it say?

Karen: What?

Michelle: The wheel?

Karen: Huh?

Michelle: What does the wheel say?

Karen: ……..I'm not following.

Michelle walks over.

Michelle: _This wheel's blank!_

Karen (sniffing): Is somebody baking cookies?!

Michelle: Karen, there are supposed to be…..oh forget it. _Just tickle him, Tony_.

Tony goes at it while Les laughs uncontrollably.

Les (tearing up with laughter): HA, HA, HA! Oh….stop it, HA!

Tony: _Who are you working for!?_...(Turns to the others). How was my 'Jack' impression?

Michelle: Meh.

Chloe: Feh.

Karen: Mediocre at best. Try to lower your voice a little bit more and put more emphasis and facial expression when you say 'working.' Like this….

Karen walks next to Tony.

Karen (slapping Les): Who are you _WORKING_ for?!

Tony (slaps Les): Who are you WORKING for?!

Karen: Better, just a little deeper with on 'for'. Like: _WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?_

Tony: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?

Karen: Working for!

Tony: WORKING FOR!

Karen: Working for!?...Scrunch your face a little bit more…..

Tony: _WORKING FOR!?_

Karen: Perfect! Now from the top….

Tony (slaps Les): _WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?_ (Slaps him again)

Karen: Excellent, grasshopper!

Michelle: This is so messed up.

Chloe: I just want to go home…..

Les: Okay…..okay…..I'll tell you…….I work for Rolando Callahan. All of us do…..

Michelle: 'All of us'? Who else is there besides you?

Les: No! I'm not saying anything else….

Tony starts to tickle him again.

Les: Okay, okay! I'll talk……A large group of us work for Callahan. He sent us to find Audrey Raines.

Michelle: Why? What is so important about Audrey Raines?

Les: Well, she is supposed to be used as a bargaining chip.

Michelle: Against Jack?

Les: No….._against James Heller_.

Tony: _The opera singer_?

Everyone looks at Tony.

Michelle: Uh, no Tony. Audrey's dad, he's the Secretary of Defense.

Tony: Oh….

Michelle: I don't get it. If you guys work for Callahan, and he want's revenge against Jack; what does Audrey and James Heller have anything to do with this?

Les: They were going to do a trade….

Michelle: Who is Callahan working with?

Karen: _Australian President Harry Love_!

Michelle: That's ridiculous.

Les: She's right.

Michele: Wha…wha….what?!

Shaggy: Great work, Karen.

Velma: Yeah, you solved the mystery.

Daphne: And you're so pretty too!

Fred: Marry me, Karen!

Scooby Doo: _Ray to ro, Raren!_

Karen: Thanks!

Michelle: How did you know it was Love, Karen?

Karen: I overheard a conversation at the airport, that's why I left to find Bill and you guys.

Michelle: And _you're just now telling us?_

Karen: Hey, I forgot! Give a girl a break, geez.

Les: Anyway, Harry Love and Rolando Callahan are business partners. Years ago, Jack Bauer served Callahan a crappy order at the 'Happy Burger'; and Secretary of Defense James Heller outbid Harry on a 'Strawberry Shortcake' lunchbox on Ebay, _they swore vengeance ever since_…

Tony: That's the saddest story I've ever heard….

Chloe: _That's the stupidest story I've ever heard!_

Michelle: I agree. Those are really, really awful motives for causing this much trouble.

Chloe: Wait, something isn't right. Charles Logan, Mandy, Ima Mole, Agatha Bauer, and all you guys are working for Rolando Callahan. Rolando ordered the assassination on Love earlier today. How are they working together?

Les: -Sigh- The conference yesterday wasn't real.

Michelle: What? Does Noah Daniel's know about this?

Les: No. But wouldn't you think that '_A Best Friends Forever_' treaty sounds a little silly?

Chloe: Yeah.

Michelle and Tony nod.

Les: Harry held the press conference as a distraction to lure Bauer. Things weren't going as well so he wantedso to put more heat on Jack he _framed him for the Consulate's murder_.

Michelle: He framed him?

Les: Yeah, he poisoned the Consulate's bagel and made it look like Bauer made him choke on it.

Michelle: Let me ask you something that's been bugging me……How did Rolando fake his death yesterday morning?

Les: It's some type of special liquid that puts you into a deep coma and give off the illusion that you are dead.

Karen: Oooh! Like in _Romeo and Juliet!_

Les: Uh…sure. In office, Callahan felt like the operation was going to blow out into the open, so he faked his death and proceeded with his plan to get revenge on Bauer. They used the same liquid to fake the death of his sister in law, Marilyn.

Michelle: GAH!

Chloe: Marilyn Bauer is alive?!

Les: Yes. Callahan slipped her some of the liquid to 'make her seem like she was dead' to distract Bauer so he can use her later as a bargaining chip later to release the toxin into the city's water supply.

Karen: It may be just me, _but did Jack even know Marilyn was dead_? I mean she's been gone for almost all the season. Did he even wonder where she was?

Everybody looks at each other.

Michelle: _Quit pointing out the show's plot holes_!

Karen: Just sayin….

Les: But there was a goof in delivery and Harry got Marilyn, and Rolando had Audrey after that whole 'Witch' mess.

Tony: You're telling me.

Les: That's why they needed to do the trade. But when Rolando lost Audrey, he sent us to find her.

Michelle: Let me make sure I have this straight. Callahan hates Jack. Love hates Heller. Callahan wants Marilyn to use against Jack. Love wants Audrey to use against Heller. Some crap has happened. They switched places, and now Callahan and Love are going to trade their 'hostages'…..

Les: Pretty much.

Michelle: Wait…..did you say Jack was in a hideout armed with explosives?

Les: Yeah.

Michelle: So, why would Callahan blow up Jack when he wants to get him to release the freaking toxin?!

Les: I…..I can't tell you that.

Karen and Tony were playing with candy bars.

Karen: Ooh! Did you ever hear about '_The Birth Of The Candy bar?_'

Tony: What's that?

Karen: Oh, crap. How does it go?...Oh!...Okay, on _Payday_, _Mr. Goodbar_ took his wife, _Barbara Hershey_….

Tony: Uh….

Karen: Hmm…..I can't remember what happens next. I think they ran over the _3 Musketeers_ off the corner of _5__th__ Avenue. _They were all named _Heath_.

Tony: That doesn't sound right…..

Karen: And it was pure _Almond Joy!_ Nine months later, Barbara _Hershey_ had a beautiful _Baby Ruth!_ I love listening to _M&M_, he's my favorite rapper. The end!

Tony: That doesn't make any sense.

Chloe: _That and you completely told it wrong_!

Karen: Yeah, I'm bad at jokes….oh well…..

Michelle: I don't have time for this, we need to find Jack. Tony, get the directions to where Chloe tracked him.

Tony grabs the paper out of Les' pocket and hands it to Michelle.

Michelle: Okay, let's move.

Tony handcuffs Les to a table. He, Michelle, Chloe, and Karen leave the internet café.

3:45:11. Marilyn is passed out an a motel room while Mandy is on the phone / Doyle is driving the bus while Logan, Martha, Kim and Audrey sit with the other passengers / Jack is asleep / Bill is walking down the stairs in his living room while Baxter and Morris chill in the living room.

Bill: Cup of Hot Coco?

Morris: Yes, please.

Baxter: Sure.

Enough with that, back to Mama P's house. Milo is sprawled out on the floor. Nadia is looking out the window.

Nadia: Milo! I got it; we can climb out of here.

Milo (lifting his head up): Huh?

Nadia: Find something we can use to _spelunk_ our way to the ground.

Milo: _Spelunk?_

Nadia: It's a word.

Milo: Really?

Nadia: Really.

Milo: Hmm….

Nadia: Come on; let's get the hell out of here.

Milo: Here's a rope.

Back at the hospital.

Sherry is resting in her bed while George Mason outside in the hallway talking to someone on his phone.

George (on the phone): So, let me make sure I'm clear on this. I get sent here to kill off Palmer; she has already died once but somehow got miraculously written back into the show. And due to a _technicality_ I can't kill her again…….uh huh…….then why can't I leave?...How is it against the rules?! She's already dead!...I've only been contracted for _3 appearances on this season_! This is going against everything!...Fine, thanks a lot, jerk! (He hangs up)

George walks back into the room.

Sherry: Why are you still here?

George: Funny thing about that actually.

Sherry: I'm listening.

George (sitting down on the bed): I just got off the phone with my superiors.

Sherry: And….

George: I was supposed to kill you.

Sherry: But you can't because I'm so adorable…

George: That's not it.

Sherry: Hmph!

George: I'm supposed to kill you, but you are already dead…so to speak. But…..in order for me to move on, I have to kill you….but I can't! Ha, ha, ha!

Him and Sherry laugh.

George: And if I don't kill you, the future will be altered in ways that cannot be imagined.

Sherry: I see, but I can't die.

George: No.

Sherry: So……_we're pretty much screwed_.

George: Well, not really. There is one loophole in the whole process that could prevent a disastrous future.

Sherry: And that is.

George: If I'm nearby, it will trick the system into thinking _I'm about to kill you_ then we'll be okay. But if it looks like I'm not doing my job…..then everything will go to hell.

Sherry: Are you telling me that you can't go away?

George: Pretty much.

Sherry: Well this is a damn fine time to throw this conflict into the show's plot _with only 3 episodes left!_

George: Yeah……sorry about that.

Sherry: How long does this have to last?

George: Until the powers that be get their records straight and release my contract, then I can move on to another target.

Sherry: Well, hell…..

George (walking over to wash his hands): Well, it shouldn't be that bad, I guess we can rent a movie or something. I mean….

George turns around to find Sherry gone.

George: Ah hell……

He bolts out of the room.

Back at Mama P's house, Nadia has her head poked out of the window of the 2nd story storage room. Milo is tied to a rope dangling in the air.

Nadia: How are you doing Milo?

Milo: I don't know….I think this thing is tied too tight!

Nadia: You're fine. You ready to go a little bit more?

Milo: Okay.

Milo gets lowered down a few more inches.

Nadia: Okay, you still doing good?

Milo: Yeah, I think so.

Nadia: Okay, lowering you down a little bit further.

The rope snaps as Nadia goes flying backward.

Milo: AAAAHHHH! –WHAMP!-

Nadia (standing back up): ooh, my head….Milo! Oh hell….

She runs toward the window, she looks down outside to see Milo sprawled out on the front lawn.

Nadia: Milo!...Milo!...uh oh……..

The screen shrinks down at 3:56:11 as Nadia stares at Milo's body as she looks around, not sure what to do / Jack is staring off into space / Bill, Morris, and Baxter are drinking Hot Coco while watching _Stargate SG-1_ / Marilyn is still unconscious while Mandy takes a dip in the Hotel pool, she answers her phone / Noah is getting ready for bed, while Tom is lost in the woods / Sherry checks out of the hospital; her and George walk into the parking lot / Doyle is driving the bus / Karen is speeding in the taxi cab, Michelle checks the map then points somewhere / Rolando is overlooking one of his employees working at a computer.

Morris: So….are we supposed to be doing anything?

Bill: I'm trying to get a hold of the others. But until then….._More Hot Coco for everybody!_

Baxter and Morris: Sweet…

At the hotel pool.

Mandy: Yeah, everything is going as planned. I didn't hurt you too much, did I?

Harry Love: Nope, I just woke up not too long ago.

Mandy: Why did you want me to 'stick you'?

Harry: To lead her into a false sense of security. Her being with me she was panicked, with you 'saving the day', she can trust you; and with that trust you can use it to your advantage to give her to Callahan.

Mandy: Very well, and what about my money?

Harry: Callahan has it, and will be waiting for you.

Mandy: That's not the least bit suspicious…..

Back on the bus.

Doyle: Damn, I've been driving around forever.

Audrey: Where are you going to go now?

Doyle: I don't know…………

Audrey sits back down with Kim and the Logan's. She tries to call Jack.

Audrey: No luck…..

The bus starts shaking violently.

Logan: What's going on?

Audrey runs back up to the front, Doyle has passed out at the wheel. And the bus driving off the road.

Audrey: ACK!

She tries to take the wheel and get the bus back on track; Logan makes his way up front.

Logan: What the hell is going on?!

Audrey: Doyle just….passed out!

Logan: Uh…..we're going to crash.

The bus heads down a steep hill and plummets into the river. –SPLASH!-

Logan: Oh great, now we're going to drown. Thanks a lot _Kim_.

Everybody on the bus starts boo-ing Kim.

Kim: WHAT!? How is this _my fault!?_

Meanwhile, the taxi cab is parked in front of a house by the lake.

Michelle: Jack should be here. Let's go….

They get out of the car and start making their way toward the house when it goes up in a gigantic explosion. –KABOOOOM!-

Michelle: AAAHH!

Michelle and Chloe fall to the ground, as the force of the explosion sends Tony into the side of the cab. –WHAP!-

Tony: Oh……a rib…..I think that was a rib……

Karen is unscathed from the blast, as she was carrying an umbrella…….

Karen: Always be prepared, kids!

Michelle lifts her head up watching the house go up in flames as the smoke rises into the night sky.

Michelle: JACK!...Jack!...(Her head plops back down to the ground).

3:59:57  
3:59:58  
3:59:59  
4:00:00

3 HOURS TO GO, THE CONCLUSION TO THIS WHATEVER-PLOT NEXT TIME ON 24……

-SWOOSH!-

Jack might be dead (yeah right!), Milo might be dead (even though he technically has been), and Sherry is supposed to die but she can't because she is dead already…..that's way too confusing.

Rolando: You're too late Bauer, you can't stop me now.

Jack: Oh, well that's too bad. Better luck next time.

Michelle, Chloe, and Tony slap their foreheads. –TRIPLE SMACK!-

-SWOOSH-

Sherry: You have outstayed your welcome. You need to get out of my face!

George: But….

Sherry: Out of my face!

George: But!

Sherry: FACE!

George: Man, I do not get paid enough for this job….

-SWOOSH-

Marilyn: I….can't believe you would do this! I trusted you!

Mandy: Why? I told you not to.

Marilyn: Oh…..

-SWOOSH-

Bill: Morris, Baxter……I don't know how to say this.

Morris: What is it, dahling?

Bill: We……_are out of Hot Coco!_

Morris: No……..

Baxter: Surely there's a more thrilling plot in store for us than _this!_

-SWOOSH-

Noah: You're what now?

Tom: I've been captured by these head hunter people and they have me in this giant pot, and they're chopping up vegetables and I think they are going _to make me into a delicious stew_.

Noah: Hmm……I am getting kinda hungry.

Tom: That's gross and disturbing, Mr. President. But besides that, _will you save me already!?_

Noah: I guess…..

-SWOOSH-

Jack: How do we stop the toxin from getting released?!

Callahan: You can't…….

Jack: Oh fudge. Ok, well thanks for having us here, bye!

Jack walks out of the building.

Chloe (to Michelle): He's getting kinda rusty.

Michelle: Just a little.

A NEW EPISODE OF 24, NEXT WEEK. Beep….beep….beep….beep….beep….


	22. 4:00am 'Death Or Something Like It'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that awesomeness, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No itsy bisty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis were harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 22

4:00am – 5:00am 'Death Or Something Like It'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred walks through the front door of the Fox Executive Headquarters, approaching the receptionist desk in the lobby.

Fred: Morning Betty, do I have any calls?

Betty: Nope….but there is some people to see you.

Fred: Oh man…..I already have a bad feeling about this.

He walks on and into the writer's room, _where Mickey and Minnie Mouse and their Lawyers _are sitting at the table.

Fred: Oh for the love of peanut butter!...

Mickey Mouse: We have some business to discuss, Mr………_How do you pronounce your last name?_

Fred: Don't bother, just call me Fred.

Mickey: Anyway, we have a major problem with the recent airing of this week's episode of 24!

Fred: -Sigh-….What did they do now?

Mickey: I'll show you. Minnie dear, could you put the tape in?

Minnie: Sure, dear.

Minnie gets up and walks over to the TV, putting the tape in.

-PLAYING-

This week only, Fox is playing a timeless classic this Monday..….._Audrey In Wonderland!_

Fred falls out of his chair. –CLAMPH!-

Audrey: Oh how I do love a stroll in the park, oh look, a rabbit!

Milo The Rabbit (looking at his stopwatch and freaking out): _I'm late; I'm late, for a very important date!_

He runs off.

Audrey: Hey! Get back here!

Audrey chases Milo down the rabbit hole falling to her death. –SPLAT!-

Audrey: Ow….

Oh, she's not dead….moving on.

Audrey: Ugh….where am I now?

Tom Lennox The Talking Doorknob: Hi Audrey!

Audrey: Hey Tom.

Tom: Drink that bottle over there.

Audrey: What is it?

Tom: Uh….._Pimp Juice?_

Audrey: WHAT!?

Tom: Just drink it!

Audrey drinks the bottle and shrinks down. –SWOOP!-

Audrey: AAAH! I'm tiny!

Tom: Here now eat this cookie.

Audrey eats the cookie and grows to a massive size. –SWOOP!-

Audrey: Uh….this won't do, I'm huge!

Tom: You should've laid off those Klondike bars!

Audrey: Oh, shut up!

Later while Audrey is walking through the forest, she runs into _Chloe The Cheshire Cat_!

Chloe: Again with the stupid animal costumes, this isn't in my contract, dammit!

Audrey: Can you help me find my way home?

Chloe: I'll give you a clue……_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard_?!...What the hell kind of clue is that!?

Audrey: Uh…..not a very good one?

Chloe: Ugh! Just leave me with what little dignity I have left…..

Audrey: Will do! Bye!

Audrey walks off, running into _Jack The Mad Hatter, _and his friend Morris and Bill.

Jack: Hi! We're celebrating our Unbirthdays!

Audrey: Good for you.

Jack: Would you like some tea?

Audrey: I'd love some!

Jack: Well, you're not getting any!

Audrey: Rude!

Jack: We'll be on your way now.

Audrey: Humph! Fine….

Audrey walks on into the courtroom of _Nina Meyers, The Queen Of Hearts!_

Audrey: EEK!

Nina: Arrest her!

Audrey: For what?!

Nina: Because I rule.

Audrey: Ugh…..

Her Playing Card Army seizes Audrey and throws her into a pit of snakes. –HISS!-

Audrey: _SNAKES?! AAAAAHHH!!_

-FIN-

Mickey turns off the TV.

Mickey: Well!? What do you have to say to that?

Fred: Well……I…..

Fred takes off running out of the writer's room.

Minnie: Well, that was unexpected.

Mickey: Don't worry; we'll get him…..

Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….bepbepbepbepbepbepbpebpebpepbebe……24!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24…..I've been stuck in a house and got blown up…….let's see and we can get Jack some screen time love, eh writers? Just sayin…….

-SWOOSH-

Milo and Nadia lock themselves in the upstairs storage room of Milo's Mother's House. –SLAM! LOCK!-

Nadia: ACK! We're trapped.

-SWOOSH-

Milo: Let me down out the window, I'll get help.

Milo falls out of the window and splats on the ground.

Nadia: Ruh roh…. (NADIA YASSIR)

-SWOOSH-

Jack: What are you going to do with me?

Rolando: Leave you in here to die.

Jack: I thought you wanted me to release the deadly toxin into the city's water supply.

Rolando: Oh, we'll worry about that later.

Jack: What? My head hurts…. (JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

A bomb goes off as Morris, Bill, and Baxter make their hasty escape….._to Bill's House_….

Morris: _AOL 4.0?!_ Are you kidding, dahling?! It's 2007 dahling.

Bill: Sorry, I never bothered to upgrade.

AOL: _YOU'VE GOT SPAM!_

Morris: Oh that's just great. (1/5th of the COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

Marilyn: Where are you taking me!? What's going on!? Will somebody explain the plot to me since I've been gone for 80 of the season!

Mandy: You talk too much!

Mandy bonks Marilyn over the head with a frying pan. –BONK!-

-SWOOSH-

A helicopter lands at the white house.

Noah: Go find Karen Hayes.

Tom: _But I wanna watch 'Grey's Anatomy'!_

Noah: Get going!

Tom: Tch! Fine…… (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry: Well, I'm glad I recovered.

George Mason: Hello friends!

Sherry: What are you doing here?

George: I'm death.

Sherry: Uh….. (SHERRY PALMER)

-SWOOSH-

Kim and Audrey run from the convenience store. Meanwhile, on the bus…

Doyle: We're getting out of here!

Doyle falls asleep at the wheel as the bus careens down a hill into the river. –SPLASH!-

Logan: All in favor of voting Kim off the show because she's bad luck say 'I'.

Everyone: I!

Kim: HEY! (KIM BAUER……AND THE LOGANS……AND AUDREY RAINES…….AND MIKE DOYLE…….AND A PASSENGER THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE DANNY DEVITO)

Man: I do not!

-SWOOSH-

The taxi cab peels away from the internet café and zooms into the night. Later arriving at the house where Jack is held hostage.

Michelle: Jack! We're here to save you!

The house explodes! –KABOOOM!-

Michelle: ACK!

Everybody falls to the ground as the house goes up in flames. Well, Jack's dead. So much for the show, thanks for watching. Riiiiight……okay moving on…..

Milo: The following takes place between 4:00am and 5:00am……

Outside at 4 in the morning, a cold front starts to move in with breezy skies with a high of 74 today and a 68 percent chance of rain.

Chloe: Thanks for the weather update….

This morning weather was brought to you by _Adam Logan's Chicken Fry Palace_!...Once you eat their chicken….._you're pretty much screwed._

Chloe: Wow, what an awful advertisement.

Meanwhile, Michelle lifts her head up to see the house that Jack was in go up in flames. It blew up last week, _in case you weren't paying attention_.

Chloe: I know I wasn't….

Michelle walks toward the mess.

Michelle: JACK!...JACK!...

Tony, who is sprawled out on the roof of the taxi, rolls off onto the ground. –SLAM!-

Tony: Ow…..

Michelle: I can't find him…..

Tony: Don't worry Michelle, we'll find him. And in the worse case scenario, _I'll just take over as the Main Star of 24!_

Michelle: Don't be ridiculous Tony!

Chloe: Yeah!

Tony: It's in my contract, that and the episode order will be reduced by half and we'll only have to face the terror for only _12 hours per season_. The show will thus be renamed '_12'_.

Chloe: Tony, do you mind? We are trying to……wait……_12 episodes?! Really?_ We only have to do 12 of these things a year?!

Tony: Yup, and we get free pizza _every day!_

Karen: I'm down for that. _Where do I sign?_

Michelle: You guys are pathetic…

Meanwhile, in the bus that Doyle, Audrey, Kim, the Logans and some unimportant extras are in. Doyle fell asleep at the wheel and the vehicle careened down a steep hill into a river. The bus is now sinking into the water. Will our heroes die?...Probably….._but let's watch anyway_.

Audrey: This is bad, we're going to drown.

Kim: We can just open the door!

Kim walks over and tries to open the bus door, water starts to pour in. –SPLOOSH!-

Logan: _What are you doing_?! Close the door!

Kim: ACK! I can't, the pressure is too strong.

Logan: Great, Kim is going to get us killed….

Doyle: What's going on?

Logan: Oh, fine time for you to wake back up!

Doyle: Sorry about that. But anyway, we need to get….

Doyle collapses in the middle of the bus aisle. –CLUMP!-

Audrey: What the?

Kim: Oh no, he must have _caught narcolepsy. _

Audrey: We have to do……..What?

Kim: What?

Audrey: _Caught narcolepsy?_

Kim: Yeah.

Audrey: Uh……you don't….catch narcolepsy like you would catch a cold.

Kim: Yeah you can.

Audrey: Whatever….

Logan: Here, we can break the windows; it'll be easier to get out then.

Well, _they're screwed_. Anyway, let's see what Nadia is up too. She is pacing about the 2nd floor storage room of Mama Pressman's house while Milo, who attempted to escape out the window and fell to his death (sort of).

Nadia (Yelling out the window): Milo………You okay?...Wakey Wakey………GET UP!

She turns back around and continues to pace.

Nadia: Man, _where is his mother?_

A pigeon lands in the window.

Pigeon: CAW!

Nadia: Wow, what a noisy Pigeon………Hmm……

Nadia walks over and grabs the bird.

Pigeon: CAW!

Nadia: I can use this bird to carry a message to get help. Let's see………here's some paper, I just need something to write with.

Mama P (Outside the door): Are you two kids okay?

Nadia: Yeah, I just need something to write with.

Mama P: There's a pen in the desk. Have fun!

Nadia: Thanks……Oh crap, wait!

Nadia runs to the door and bangs on it.

Nadia: Hello?!...Are you still there?...Damn.

Nadia returns to the desk and starts writing out a help note.

Nadia: And……there.

She ties the note to the pigeon's foot.

Nadia: Now fly! Fly and get help!

She throws the Pigeon out the window, it hurls to the ground next to Milo. –WHAP!-

Nadia: Ehhh…….

4:06:11, at the hotel.

Mandy is in her hotel room, she gets dressed as Marilyn wakes up.

Marilyn: Ugh…..where am I now?

Mandy: Come on, we have to go.

Marilyn: Where are we going?

Mandy: ……_The zoo_.

Marilyn: Hmm……_way too suspicious_.

Marilyn gets out of the bed as the two of them proceed toward the door. Mandy opens the door to find _Adam Logan _standing before her.

Mandy: -Gasp-…..

Adam: Hi there. _Remember me?_

He whaps Mandy upside the head with a blunt object of some sort. –POW!-

Mandy: Ugh….. (Falls to the ground)

Marilyn: Eep!

Adam: There, I feel better.

Mandy (stumbling): Didn't……I kill you……back in _episode 6?_

Adam: Heh, heh. I'm a little harder to kill than that.

Mandy: I shot you and you fell off the balcony of a _very tall building_.

Adam: That was my fallguy.

Marilyn: What's a fallguy?

Adam: Well, I knew those clowns from CTU was coming up to confront me about my brother's involvement with the (finger quotes) "_Assassination"_, so I just had one of my workers dress up like me because I knew it wasn't going to go well. However, I didn't see you shooting him. I'll give you props for that.

Mandy: Ugh…. (Passes out)

Adam: Now come with me, Mrs. Bauer. I have to deliver you to Callahan.

Marilyn: Callahan? As in….Rolando Callahan? The former president?

Adam: Uh…..nevermind, just come along.

Marilyn: Hmm…..

Back at the White House.

Tom walks into the oval office, his clothes torn to shreds.

Noah: Tom, what the hell happened to you!?

Tom: Well, while lost in the forest looking for Karen, which was stupid because we already know she's not _in the same state as us_, the search hounds turned on me, I got captured by wild cavemen and almost eaten, and I fell into a bear trap.

Noah: Really? Y_ou weren't even gone for that long_…

Tom: Well, it doesn't matter. We should just have secret service just fly her back here.

Noah: I suppose….But in the meantime my secretary has gone missing.

Tom: Uh, it's 4 in the morning, she's probably asleep.

Noah: No, she's lost. I'm sure of it. You better check the forest again. _Take these new search hounds with you._

Search Hounds: WOOF!

Tom: -Groan-….

4:10:11, at Bill's House. Bill walks downstairs to find hundreds of people in his living room. Techno music is blaring through the halls.

Bill: What the hell is this?!

Bill shuffles past the party people and up to Morris at the DJ table.

Morris: Dahling, you have a request?

Bill: Yeah, _get these idiots out of my house!_

Morris: Sorry, dahling, don't have that album.

Bill: Morris, you know what I'm talking about! Where the hell did these people come from?

Morris: Bill, it's a party! Don't be such a stick in the mud.

Bill: I'm usually not. Any other time I wouldn't mind but we are still on the run here.

Baxter, over in the corner with some people, is telling a joke.

Baxter: So I said…"Oh my goodness, a talking blueberry muffin!"

The group laughs.

Man: Man, this guy's jokes are as good as _Tony Almeida's_.

Woman: Yea, his are just great.

Meanwhile, back at the wreckage of the house that Jack got blown up in.

Michelle: I think he's dead…….-sniff-……Jack's dead…….again…….for the 9th time.

Chloe: You know, there's not a body here.

Tony: Uh, duh, Chloe. He got blown up.

Chloe: No, idiot. I mean even so, there would be some…..pieces….of Jack lying about.

Michelle: She does have a point.

Karen: Can we go soon? I'm really craving some waffles right about now.

Michelle: I mean we never actually saw Jack inside; it's just what the tracker led us too.

Chloe: Maybe it's a distraction.

Tony: Maybe it's a trap.

Karen: _Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline!_

Everyone looks at Karen.

Karen: Sorry, got caught up in the moment.

Away from the group a pilot stands next to his helicopter.

Pilot (on the phone): It worked, _they took the bait_.

Rolando: Good, I have Bauer here with me, so I can proceed without them interfering. Take care of them.

Pilot: You got it. (He hangs up)

Somewhere else, Jack wakes up to find himself in a glamorous room, lying on a very comfortable bed. Confused, he looks around to see the 72 inch flat screen TV, a pool table, a hot tub, and a mini-bar.

Jack: Am I dead?

Rolando: Ha, ha…..Far from it.

Jack: Callahan! What are you up to?

Rolando: Nothing…..just…..relax.

Jack: I don't know the meaning of 'Relax'.

Rolando: I've noticed. Don't worry; someone you know will be here very shortly.

Jack: Hmm…..

Rolando exits as Jack turns on the television.

Jack: Oooh _Six Feet Under_….okay I'll stay for a little bit.

Back off the shore of the river where the bus fully sinks. Audrey and Kim (who are dragging Doyle), the Logans, and the other passengers make their way to dry land.

Martha: That was close.

Logan: Yeah, we're lucky.

Audrey (Dropping Doyle): Is there a reason 'we' had to carry him?

Logan: My back's out.

Passenger: I haven't eaten yet.

Woman: My feet are cold.

Audrey: Worthless….Oh darn, my phone crapped out on me. Must've gotten wet.

Doyle gets up off the ground.

Doyle: Okay everybody, we made it to safety.

Kim: Doyle, you're awake!

Doyle: Yes, we need to get to CTU at once. Everybody follow me!

Doyle takes a step and collapses to the ground again.

Audrey: Oh geez….

Man: That poor man, _he must've caught the Narcolepsy that's been going around_.

Woman: How awful….

Audrey: For the last time, you can't catch Narcolepsy! GAH!

At the hospital, Sherry gets into a taxi; George follows her and hops in as well.

Sherry: I see you're still following me.

George: Listen, Sherry, it's not like I had a choice, okay?

Sherry: Why are you 'death' anyway?

George: It is my destiny.

Sherry: Right….(Rolls eyes)

George: So….where are you headed to?

Sherry: Well, if I can get in touch with anybody from CTU I could head back there.

George: That's too bad.

Sherry: Can I use your phone?

George: No.

Sherry: Why not?

George: Because it's a business phone.

Sherry: Well, this is for business.

George: Not my business.

Sherry: Well, I'm being kind enough to let you travel with me….

George: _'Let me travel with you!?_' Puh-lease! This is no joy ride for me. I _have_ to do this.

Sherry: Then let me use your phone.

George: Nope.

Sherry: Please?

George: Nope.

Sherry: Then you left me no choice…..

Sherry opens the door of the taxi and rolls onto the street.

George: GAH! Turn the taxi around, now!

The driver slams on his break sending George slamming up against the seat. –WHAP!-

George: Ow….

The car backs up to where Sherry is sitting in the middle of the road.

George (yelling out the window): You just get out of the hospital, _and you pull a stunt like this_.

Sherry: Yeah, that didn't feel so hot.

George: Get back in the car, Sherry.

Sherry: Humph….fine…..but can we at least stop by a cell phone store.

George: Is there one open this early?

Sherry: I'm sure there is.

She gets up to dust herself off and climbs back into the taxi.

Sherry (to the driver): Okay, drive…..

Driver: Ooookay……

Back at Rolando's Hideout Number 14.

Rolando (on the phone): Come on….answer……

At the Convenience Store, the shooter who was pursuing Audrey and Kim is still lying on the ground as his phone rings.

Rolando: Damn, she must have gotten away.

There's a knock at the door, Rolando opens it to find Adam Logan with Marilyn.

Rolando: -Gasp!- It's you.

Adam: In the flesh. I'll be taking that money now.

Rolando: What money?

Adam (laughs): I'm not an idiot, Callahan. You're little worker friend, Mandy, was bringing you Mrs. Bauer for some money.

Marilyn: WHAT!?

Rolando: Well, she was, then I was going to take a stun gun to her, and everything would've worked out just fine. But you kinda threw a kink into that plan.

Adam: Well, I guess she stays with me then.

Marilyn: Double what!?

Rolando: I don't think so….

One of Rolando's thugs bonks Adam on the head, he goes down. –SLUMP!-

Rolando (To the guard): Take both or our guests to the cell. I'll deal with them later. And find out where Mandy is.

Marilyn: Um….she's in the trunk of the car we came in.

Rolando: Oh…..great. Well, get on with it.

The guard picks up Adam and escorts Marilyn to the cell. Inside, Jack looks up to see them entering. The guard drops Adam to the ground and walks out.

Marilyn: Jack!

Jack: Marilyn! Wow, I practically forgot about you!

Marilyn: Thanks….

Jack: Is that….Adam Logan?

Marilyn: Yeah.

Jack: I thought he was shot and fell off a balcony way back in Episode 6?

Marilyn: Well, _I guess nobody ever follows through the rules of death these days_.

Jack: Very true. Well, I've been working on a way to get out of here. And I think I know how, follow me.

They start to walk when Jack stops in front of the TV.

Jack (watching): Man….._How does Rachel Ray come up with these recipes?_ She's brilliant!

Marilyn: Uh, Jack? Your escape plan?

Jack: Oh right, right…..this way.

At the destroyed house, after digging a little bit more, Chloe approaches Michelle.

Chloe: Michelle, I think this was a diversion, we should probably leave.

Michelle: Yeah, you're right. Okay Tony, Karen, let's head back.

They start to make their way back to the taxi when a helicopter flies over them. –VROOM! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!-

Michelle: Strange that a helicopter would just fly over a scene like this. It's like they didn't even notice us….

The chopper turns back around and faces the group.

Tony: Oh, _I think they notice us_.

The Chopper's turret gun starts unloading bullets on the group. –RATATATATA!-

Chloe: ACK!

Tony: Oh crap, oh crap…..

The Taxi explodes in the crossfire. –BOOOM!-

Michelle: Are you kidding me!? We're getting shot at again? Give us a break!

Chloe: We've got nowhere to hide this time!

4:15:11. Jack and Marilyn are going over some plans / George is talking on the phone while Sherry glares out the window / Nadia uses a kazoo to signal for help / Audrey and Kim (carrying Doyle) and the other bus passengers are walking down the street……

Kim: …_singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do!_

Logan: Please stop talking….

Kim: No fun!

Meanwhile George was……talking on the phone….

George: Really!?...I can do that and there are no repercussions?...Great…..No, that….that's wonderful………What is the address?……..uh huh……….uh huh……_So the guy fell out of a window huh?_...Interesting……Great, thanks.

George hangs up his phone and pockets it.

George: Great news!

Sherry: You're going to lend me your friggin phone?

George: No! Even better.

Sherry: Let's hear it.

George: The powers that be were able to find a loophole that can get me out of our current predicament.

Sherry: Wow; that means you'll go away. Which is good, but I still need to use that phone.

George: They just gave me an address where I'm supposed to take the soul of someone who just passed. If I do that, my job will be complete and I can move on away from here.

Sherry: So this entangled mess that you were in only had to be resolved by just…._taking the soul of someone else_. That doesn't sound like such a big deal.

George: They said this guy was different, so, who knows?

Sherry: Hmm….

George: …..

Sherry: …..

George: …..

Sherry: ….._Can I use your phone now!?_

George: No…..

Sherry: Geez…..

George: Okay, turn left here.

Nadia hears a noise and runs to the window. She sees a taxi pull up in the driveway.

Nadia (screaming out the window): HEY! Help!

Sherry: Is that Nadia?

Sherry gets out of the car and proceeds toward the house.

Sherry: Nadia! What are you doing up there?

Nadia: It's a long story, can you tell Milo's mom to get me out of here?

Sherry: Milo?

She looks down to see Milo splat on the ground. George kneels down to him.

George: Oh crap a duck!

Sherry: What's wrong?

George: I can't take this guys soul…..

Sherry: Why not….

Then, Milo props up, Sherry shrieks.

Sherry: SHRIEK!

Milo: Oh hey everyone……oh god, _I'm not a grim reaper again, am I?_

George: No. But this is bad.

Nadia: Uh, hello!? A little help up here?

George: This guy is just as dead as you are, I can't take the soul of something that's….._soulless_!

Milo: Well, nice to see you too, jerk!

George: We're back at square one. Now I have to be in close distance of _both of you_ or the world will explode.

Sherry: Isn't that just a little far fetched?

Milo: So….am I dead or not?

Nadia: Anytime now! You guys are taking forever…..

George's phone rings.

George: Hello……WHAT!? No you can't talk to Sherry Palmer, this is 'my' business phone!...Oh all right….

Sherry sticks her tongue out as she grabs the phone.

Sherry: Yes?...Really?! (She holds the phone down real quick) They rebuilt CTU…..for the 9th time…….(She gets back on)…..Yeah…..Can we head back to work?...Wonderful, we'll be there shortly.

Sherry hands George his phone back.

Sherry: CTU has finished repairs. Which is impressive since it's been down for only a few hours and there are workers available this early in the morning.

Milo: How convenient…

Nadia: Will someone get me out of here already!?

Somewhere else, Audrey gets tired and drops Doyle again, Kim falls with him. –CLUMPH!-

Kim: Ow….

Doyle gets back up.

Doyle: Sorry everyone, I'm back.

Audrey: Mike, what is wrong with you.

Doyle: This isn't easy for me to say, Audrey…..but….._I caught the Narcolepsy_…

Kim: How awful….

Audrey: _You do not catch Narcolepsy dammit!_

Doyle: It will take some time getting used to, but we still have to fight on, for we…..(falls asleep).

Audrey: -Sigh-……

Doyle's phone rings.

Logan: Well, aren't you going to answer it?

Audrey: Oh, right……

Audrey leans down and grabs Doyle's phone. She flips it open.

Audrey: Doyle's Phone…….Sherry hi……

Logan (whispering): I don't want to talk to her….

Audrey: Well duh…..

Sherry: Audrey, it's good to talk to you. Where's Mike?

Audrey: Uh…..he's a little…..incapacitated at the moment.

Sherry: Oh no, _did he catch Narcolepsy? _That's been going around pretty bad this season….

Audrey: GRR!

Sherry: Anyway, relay the message to everyone that CTU is up and running and we need to meet back there at once.

Audrey: Okay, we're on our way!

She hangs up and drops the phone.

Audrey: Guess what?! CTU is back up and running!

Kim: For real this time?

Audrey: Everything looks like its going to work out, let's go. (She marches off).

Kim: Uh….can someone help me with Doyle…..anybody……?

4:25:10, back outside being chased by the helicopter. The gang is hiding behind a rock.

Tony: Any ideas?

Chloe: None. What are we going to do?

Karen: I have an idea……no…..it wouldn't work.

Michelle: Well, we have to try something! What's your idea?

Karen: I think we can take the copter.

Chloe: How? That thing has mounted guns!

Karen: But us……the four of us……..together we are fantastic….._The Fantastic Four!_

Chloe: Oh, dammit, why didn't I see this coming!? See, Michelle? _This is what happens when you let Karen give her ideas._

Karen: I will be….._The Invisible Woman!_

Karen runs out and disappears into thin air.

Tony: I'll be _The Human Torch!_

Tony takes off running and jumps into the air.

Tony: _Flame on!_

He takes off flying leaving a trail of fire behind.

Michelle: I'll be _The Thing!_

Michelle picks up a nearby car (wherever that came from) and hurls it at the Helicopter.

Chloe: I guess that leaves me as…….

Chloe's body turns into the consistency of a _Fruit Roll Up_ and collapses into a wad on the ground.

Chloe: _That Stretchy Guy_……..-sigh-……

Uh….no. Meanwhile…..back to the chaos and peril…..

Chloe: No more ideas from Karen!

Michelle: Agreed.

Tony: Aw…..I wanted to be the human torch.

Karen: _If we get our own Spin-off, _they're not allowed.

Tony: Agreed.

Karen notices in the distance a roll of thick wire lying on the ground.

Karen: Ooh! I have a good idea this time…..

Elsewhere, Bill is in his bathroom washing his hands. He looks up into the mirror and sees a silhouette in the shower curtain behind him. Slowly, he turns around and jerks the curtain open to find someone drinking and eating a sandwich.

Bill: GAH!?

Man: Hey dude!

Bill: _THAT WAS MY SANDWICH! _That's it.

Bill storms out of the bathroom and up to DJ Morris & Beatbox Baxter (wherever they got those names from).

Morris: Hey, dahling, a request?

Bill: Quit asking me that. That hooligan in my bathroom is now eating my food! I'm putting a stop to this right now.

The doorbell rings, everybody freezes.

Baxter: That was fast.

Bill: I didn't call anybody.

Baxter leans over to see police cars in the driveway.

Baxter: No, but I'm sure somebody else did.

Bill: Great. Well, I'll take care of this. Get these people out of my house.

Morris: Okay, fine…...how do we do this?

Baxter: I don't know.

Bill opens the door and two policemen try to peek in.

Bill: Hey officer, what's the problem?

Cop 1: You know, I really hate it when people say that. They know they did something wrong or else we wouldn't be here.

Cop 2: I think it's a reverse psychology thing where if they give off the illusion that something is wrong and they don't know about it. We must be wasting our time.

Cop 1: Good point. Well, you have a nice morning sir, and…..

Some random guy comes flying out of the second story window. –CRASH!-

Cop 1: What the hell!?

Bill: I can explain. I'm Bill Buchanan Director of CTU.

Cop 1: No, Sherry Palmer is Director.

Bill: She's incapacitated at the moment.

Cop 2: No, she's out of the hospital. And is on her way back to CTU now.

Bill: Oh…..well, crap.

Cop 1: You and your friends are all coming with us.

Cop 2 goes in as the first cop puts handcuffs on Bill.

Bill: I have a CTU badge!

Cop 1: Doesn't matter.

Bill: Ugh.

Cop 2 brings Morris and Baxter out side and handcuffs them too.

Morris: What about those people?

Cop 2: They ran away.

Baxter: Aren't you going to chase them!?

Cop 2: Nah, we have the people that started this mess.

Baxter: Well, in all honesty if _Jack didn't run over Celine Dion_ none of us would be in this mess.

Cop 2: And what's with the cougar outfit?

Baxter: Uh…._I'm a cougar_…..

Cop 2: Sure and the world at _one point was going to be taken over by witches!_

Cop 1: Yeah, and _Ronald McDonald is going to run for president!_

Both of the cops laugh as Bill, Morris, and Baxter look at each other. Meanwhile, back at Rolando's.

Marilyn: _That's your plan?_

Jack: Yeah, we should be fine if we don't sway from this course of action. We will be able to make a hasty escape and get back to CTU; _hopefully it's fixed by now_.

Marilyn: So……you are just going to pretend to be sick and then bash a guard over the head with _a toilet seat_. _That's your elaborate plan?!_

Jack: No, no, no. It's not like that.

Marilyn: Oh good….

Jack: _You are the one who will pretend to be sick_….

Marilyn: Oh.

Jack: Okay, ready.

Marilyn: Ready…..oh wait. What should we do about him? (Points to Adam, unconscious)

Jack: Leave him; he won't be any use to us. Okay, go!

Marilyn: Help! _I've fallen and I can't get up!_

Jack: That was horrible.

Marilyn: Well…..

Jack: Come up with something better!

Marilyn: _Help, I think I have The Bird Flu!_

Jack: Something better!

Marilyn: _I think I caught the Narcolepsy!_

Jack: You must be…..

Guard (runs in): -Gasp!- You caught it?! Oh no, I'm in here….._that must mean I'm going to get it too!_

Jack: Oh geez…..

Guard: AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!! (Passes out)

Marilyn: Oh no! He may actually have it!

Jack: Uh, no. He's just a ninny. Well, no use for this…. (Tosses the toilet seat aside). Let's roll…..

Jack and Marilyn step over the guard's body and take off running down the hall.

4:30:11, Jack and Marilyn are bolting down a hall of some sort / Tony is looking out for the helicopter / Audrey, Kim, and the others are still parading down the street / Tom is trying to win a _MacGyver action figure set on Ebay._

Tom: _DAMN! I LOST! Nooooo!_

Noah: -Sigh-

Back at the wreckage.

Michelle: Karen, are you sure this is going to work?

Karen: No.

Michelle: Oh, _I feel much better now._

Chloe: So what are we supposed to do?

Michelle: Okay, Tony is going to distract the helicopter and not get shot.

Tony: Uh…

Michelle: Chloe and I will run over to where those two poles are and run the wire across them. Tony will lead the helicopter across the wire, which will 'trip' over it and crash. Karen will stay here and eat this delicious piece of Pineapple Upside Down Cake.

Karen: Go team! (She grabs the plate from Michelle and digs in) –SNARF!-

Chloe: Where...? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

Michelle: Okay, let's do this. Tony, go distract the helicopter.

Tony: Right!

Tony runs out in plain view.

Tony: HEY! Over here! I'm a vulnerable target! Oh no! I tripped.

The copter takes off in his direction at super speed. –CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!-

Tony: AHHH!

He hauls, as does Chloe and Michelle who string a line of wire across the two poles. Tony comes up.

Michelle: I hope this works.

Tony reaches the poles and hurdles over the wire, the copter flies over, unaffected.

Michelle: Crap, we need to make it higher. Tony, _send it back around!_

Tony: Geez! AHH! Being shot at!

Tony runs into an old barn and collides with a cow. –WHAMP!-

Cow: _Angry Moo!_

Tony: Sorry, Yeesh!

He hops to his feet and exits out the back door of the barn, where the chopper was waiting.

Tony: Urk, that won't work. 180!

Turning around, he bolts back inside, running into the same cow. –WHAMP!-

Cow: _Angrier Moo!_

Tony: Sorry….

Michelle: That should work? Shouldn't it?

Chloe: Yeah…..oh here he comes.

Tony comes running, _Limbo music plays _as Tony leans under the wire.

Chloe: Not going to ask.

The helicopter approaches and runs into the wire, the force rotates the vehicle upside down and into a nearby rock. –CRASH!-

Michelle: That was no way _realistically possible_; but it'll work for us!

Karen runs up with her empty plate.

Karen: Mission Success!

Chloe: Whatever. Let's get the hell out of here.

The team runs up to the helicopter and toss out the two unconscious pilots.

Michelle: Oh no. I can't get it started up!

Karen: Hmm, so I guess that plan didn't work. Well, part of it didn't, the cake was good though. _Pecan Pie _anyone? (She holds up a plate)

Chloe: _Where the hell do you keep getting these things!?_

Michelle: None of us know how to fix a helicopter!

Tony: ……_I do_………Give me a second.

Tony flips out a cell phone and dials a number.

Michelle: GAH! _You had a cell phone this entire time that works and you didn't call for help!?_

Tony: Priorities, Michelle……Priorities.

Michelle: What?!

Meanwhile, on the _Nebuchadnezzar_, Tank the _Operator was watching their progress_. He answers the call.

Tank: _Operator_.

Tony: Tank, its Tony. I need a program downloaded that will let me fix this chopper. It looks like a model Q-811L!

Chloe: Huh?

Tank: You got it.

Tony's eyes blink rapidly for a few seconds, he then hangs up the phone.

Tony: ….._Now I know how to fix this thing_…..

Chloe and Michelle look at each other nervously as a disclaimer rolls across the screen. Cue _Cheesy Elevator Music!_

DISCLAIMER: We here at Fox and the cast of 24 deeply apologize for the awful 'Matrix' reference. On behalf of the entire cast and crew to the _Wachowski Brothers_…._Please don't sue!_ Thanks!

Wachowski Brother's Lawyer Bob: _Like hell we won't!_

Bob points his finger as the other lawyers stand up.

Bob: _To the 'Lawsuit Mobile'!_

The lawyers slide down poles as _The Batman Theme plays_. The _Lawsuit Mobile _drives off. _Cue Cheesy Elevator Music again….._

DISCLAIMER: We here at the Law firm representing _The Wachowski Brothers_ deeply apologize for the even more awful 'Batman' reference. On behalf of the Law firm to the cast and crew of 'Batman' and 'Warner Brothers'….Please don't sue! Thanks!

Michelle: Tony? _Helicopter_?

Tony: Oh right…….uh…..I just forgot how to fix it, _let me make another call_.

Michelle: GRR!

At the newly rebuilt CTU, Sherry opens the doors to the main floor and is followed by George, Nadia, and Milo. All the equipment has been replaced except for Chloe's, whose computer has been replaced with a cardboard box with a square shaped hole in the front and the words 'Computer' written on the side.

Sherry: Finally! I have my office back…

George: Yeah, _it feels really weird being back here_…

Milo: You're telling us! You didn't have to run operations in some kid's _Tree House!_

Sherry: Not going to ask.

Sherry happily runs upstairs to the 2nd story glass office. George takes a seat in one of the chairs.

Nadia: Great, we can finally get back to work and end this mess.

4:40:23. The doors fling open as Nadia, George, and Milo look toward that direction. Audrey, Kim (carrying Doyle by herself), The Logans, and the bus passengers waddle their way inside. Kim drops Doyle, who immediately stands up.

Doyle: Hey, CTU is back up.

Nadia: Audrey, Kim! I'm glad you guys made it okay.

Audrey: Yeah, same here.

Nadia: You guys are soaked, what happened?

Kim: Long story.

Nadia: Okay, well. Milo will get you guys to where you can dry off and change clothes.

Audrey: That'd be great.

Sherry walks back downstairs.

Sherry: Audrey, you guys are alive. That's good.

Audrey: Yes.

Sherry: I see you brought Charles….and….Martha Logan and a bunch of unimportant extras.

Man: HEY!

Sherry: Guard!

A Security Guard walks up.

Sherry: Escort Logan to the cell.

Guard: Which one?

Sherry: uh….Logan.

Guard: Which one?! Charles or Martha?

Sherry: Uh, Charles….

Guard: Okay.

He walks over and starts to escort Logan to a cell.

Guard (To Logan): Seriously, I didn't know which of the two of you she was talking about!

Logan: Don't worry about it. _Some people have just been calling me Logan this season for some strange reason_.

Guard: I guess it's just easier.

Logan: I guess.

Sherry: Martha, we can call someone to send you back home….

Martha: Uh….that won't be necessary. I'll be fine here. I can actually go for something to eat. Is there a food court around here somewhere?

Sherry: Yes. Go down the hall and take the escalator next to the _JC Penny's_ down to the lower level. The food court is down there.

Martha: Thanks.

Nadia and Milo exchange looks.

Milo: Right. Audrey, if you and Kim and the others want to come this way.

The group walks off as Sherry goes up to Nadia.

Sherry: Okay, that's dealt with.

Nadia: We need to get Chloe, Michelle, Tony if we absolutely have to, back here soon!

Sherry: Yeah, and find out where Jack is.

Nadia: I'll start locating Jack.

Sherry: Ok. Now that CTU is back up and in stable condition it should make our jobs easier.

Sherry turns around and falls through the floor. –CRASH!-

Nadia: Uh….

Back outside, Jack and Marilyn are still on the run.

Marilyn: Stop….stop…..

Jack: Marilyn, we can't stop or they'll catch us. And I don't have a gun. I can't use my smarts to get out of this one, it didn't work last time.

-FLASHBACK-

Jeff Foxworthy: Ok, _Jack Bauer_, look into that camera right over there and say it.

Jack: Do I have to?

Jeff: Yes.

Jack: -Sigh-……_My name is Jack Bauer, and I am NOT Smarter Than A 5__th__ Grader_.

-FIN-

Marilyn???

Jack (sobbing): _Those stupid 5__th__ graders make you look so stupid on national television! I WAS SO CLOSE TO WINNING! _

He sniffles as he grabs a Kleenex and blows his nose. –HONK!-

Jack (sobbing):_ I JUST SUCK AT MATH!_ _WAAAAAAH!_

Marilyn: Uh, Jack.

Jack: Oh right, we're being chased. Let's keep moving.

Back at Rolando's.

Harry enters the hall and up to Callahan who is fidgeting.

Harry: Did you get the 'shipment'?

Rolando: Yes.

Harry: Do you have 'my' part of the deal.

Rolando: No.

Harry: Uh….heh, heh……Why not?

Rolando: She got away and we were never able to find her.

Harry: That's too bad. Well, I want Marilyn back until you find her.

Rolando: She kinda…..got away….too.

Harry: WHAT?! You lost both of them!

Rolando: Well, I'm not perfect!

Harry: This is unforgivable. You will pay dearly for this.

He starts to walk off and then turns back around.

Harry: Don't you get it!? That was all we had to make CTU do what we wanted. We don't have nuclear bombs, or nerve gas, or warheads or anything! You better find them!

Harry storms out of the building.

Rolando (to himself): Well, we have one thing……

He walks off into another room that has a giant dark blue device, tubes running across it containing green liquid of some sort; and a giant sign that says '_This is connected to the city's water supply! DO NOT PULL UNLESS YOU ARE EVIL!'_

Rolando: I have this….

4:45:58. The helicopter flies through the skies, with Tony piloting it.

Tony: It's a good thing I knew how to fly this thing.

Michelle rolls her eyes.

Michelle: I'm going to try to get a hold of someone. Wait, where's that cell phone you were using?

Tony: I broke it.

Michelle: Of course.

Tony: Don't you have one.

Michelle: Yeah but it stopped working.

She bangs it on the control panel a few times. –WHAP! WHAP!-

Michelle: See, it's dead.

-RING!-

Michelle: Or not…….(Answers it)…..Hello?

Bill: Michelle! Let me talk to Karen real quick!

Michelle: Uh….okay.

She turns around to the back and hands Karen her phone.

Michelle: It's Bill.

Karen: Oh……Hi husband!

Bill: Hi wife. Listen, I'm in prison…..

Karen: What did you do?

Bill: I didn't do anything. Morris had this party…..

Karen: And you didn't invite us….._how rude_….

Bill: No, it wasn't like that. Anyway, the cops came over and didn't believe we are a part of CTU and arrested us. We need to get out of here.

Karen: We will do that Bill! Because the four of us combined……are _Fantastic!_...In fact we are….

Chloe glares at Karen.

Karen: Uh….we'll be there shortly.

She hangs up and hands the phone back to Michelle.

Michelle: What's going on?

Karen: Bill and Morris got arrested. We need to go break them out.

Michelle: I don't think 'breaking them out' will be necessary, but maybe we can negotiate something. Tony, turn the copter around.

Tony: You got it!

Michelle: Oh, maybe I can call someone.

-RING-

Michelle: Or they can call me…….(Answering)……Dessler…

Nadia: Michelle, its Nadia.

Michelle: Oh, hey.

Nadia: Are you guys all right?

Michelle: Yeah, are you calling me from CTU?

Nadia: Yes. Everything is back up, and Sherry is here as well.

Michelle: Good. Tell her we will be there in a little bit. We have to pick up Bill and Morris first.

Nadia: Okay. Hey, I've been trying to get a hold of Jack; do you know where he is?

Michelle: Well, I don't know exactly if he's even alive or not.

Nadia: Huh?

Michelle: Well, we tracked him to a house that blew up. But I think it was just a diversion because we were attacked.

Nadia: What do you think this means?

Michelle: I'm not sure….wait…..The taxi driver from the café!

Chloe: The one who pretty much told us the entire basis of the plot?

Michelle: That one! Nadia, we have to find Audrey and Marilyn as well.

Nadia: Audrey's here.

Michelle: She is? Great, keep her there. What about Marilyn?

Nadia: Marilyn Bauer? I thought she was dead.

Michelle: Uh, no, we just thought she was dead.

Tony: Even though she was clearly shot, stabbed, strangled, poisoned….

Nadia: What's going on?

Michelle: We found out that Rolando and Harry Love are working for each other; the conference earlier today was set up just to distract CTU. They wanted Audrey and Marilyn to use as bargaining chips against Jack and James Heller for their own personal, stupid reasons. You have to find Marilyn and Jack quickly before they do.

Nadia: Okay, Milo and I will work on it. We'll see you guys when you get back.

Nadia hangs up the phone as Sherry crawls out of the hole in the ground.

Sherry: Okay, the place could still use some work.

Elsewhere, Jack peers behind a corner to take a look.

Jack: I think the coast is clear.

Marilyn: Ow….

Jack: What's wrong now?

Marilyn: My arm kinda hurts.

Jack: What did you do?

Marilyn: No, that Adam guy stuck me with something.

Jack: Hmm, well _you're still kicking_ so I guess it can't be too bad. This way…

Jack and Marilyn start to run; he stops in front of a TV store whose televisions are playing the news in the front glass window, _this early in the morning_.

Reporter Betty: And in recent news. Construction workers have finished repairs on the main building for the _Counter Terrorist Unit_. They want to keep it in stable condition for more than 1 episode so if there are any terrorists watching, please turn off your TV now and disregard this report. Thank you.

Jack: They fixed CTU! We can head back there, come on.

They take off running again.

4:50:11. Bill, Morris, and Baxter are eating prison food / Tony is flying the helicopter / Martha is torn between which restaurant she want to eat at / Noah is on the phone.

Noah gets off the phone, nuff said.

Noah: Tom, you got a minute!

Tom enters the oval office.

Noah: Good news. Karen just called me.

Tom: Oh good.

Noah: She's okay and she's with CTU. You don't have to look for her anymore.

Tom: That's even better.

Noah: Did you find my secretary?

Tom: Uh….

Noah: I'll take that as a 'No'.

Tom: Yes.

Noah: You found her?!

Tom: No.

Noah: Then why did you say 'Yes'?!

Tom: I was saying 'Yes' to you saying 'No'.

Noah: Huh!?

Tom: Nevermind.

Noah: Well, I'm getting some sleep.

Tom: You know Mr. President; we haven't been kept up to date with what CTU is doing to stop the terrorist attack, whatever that is.

Noah: They'll be fine. I want sleep.

Tom: Oh no!

Noah: What is it?

Tom: Do you know what today is?!

Noah: Uh….

Tom: The _Presidential Breakfast is today!_

Noah: So?

Tom: Uh, it's in _10 minutes_.

Noah: WHAT?!

Tom: Yeah.

Noah: _Who has these things at 5 in the morning!?_

Tom: Uh….

Noah: Well, I can't attend.

Tom: You have to, you're the President!

Noah: Well, under the circumstances I shouldn't have to attend.

Tom: Mr. President, this is an important breakfast. Election is right around the corner.

Noah: Okay, first off, _I haven't even been President for a day_ _yet_. And second, are you telling me the fate of my Presidency rests on whether or not _I eat breakfast_?

Tom: Yes.

Noah: This is ridiculous…fine, I'll get ready.

Tom: I hope they have _Rice Krispies! _

The helicopter keeps on flyin….

Michelle: Chloe, do you have anything?

Chloe: Okay he's at the _Azkaban Correctional Facility_.

Michelle: The what!?

Chloe: Uh….it must be new.

Michelle: Fine, we will try to see if we can bail them out and if not….

Tony: JAILBREAK!

Michelle: -Sigh-…..yes, Tony. We will have to do a Jail Break.

Tony: Yes!

Michelle: Which we shouldn't because we are CTU so they can pull some strings.

The helicopter approaches _Azkaban Correctional Facility_. Their neon signs flashes "_Welcome to Azkaban. Home of over 3,000 convicts. Where the rules are so strict we will not release anybody! We do not care if you are CTU, WE WILL NOT PULL ANY STRINGS! Have a peachy day!'_

Tony, Chloe, and Karen look at Michelle.

Michelle (rolling her eyes): ………..fine, we'll break them out.

All: JAILBREAK!

The Chopper approaches the prison as the screen shrinks down at 4:55:01. Tony is landing while Michelle looks out the window / Bill paces in his cell while Morris and Baxter are still eating prison food / Jack and Marilyn are hitching a ride on the back of a tow truck / Noah and Tom are walking down a hallway to the _Presidential Breakfast Room_ / Audrey and Kim have changed clothes and are proceeding to grab something to eat from the CTU food court as well / Guards are loading up the bus passengers to take them back to their homes / Milo and Nadia are looking up something on the computer / Logan is sitting in a cell again / Martha is shopping at JC Penny's / Doyle and Sherry are talking in the 2nd floor glass office / George is playing _FreeCell_ on Morris' computer / Harry is fuming as he is driving somewhere / Rolando is typing something on a computer, the toxin device starts to make a funny noise / Mandy wakes up to find herself in a cell with Adam Logan.

Mandy: Ow…..my head. You didn't have to hit me so hard.

Adam: You would've just done the same to me…

Mandy: True.

Adam: We should be out of here shortly.

Mandy: I don't think I should trust you.

Adam: If you want to live, I suggest you do.

Mandy: How?

Adam: There was no money for returning Bauer.

Mandy: Hmm.

Adam: Callahan was just going to throw you in a cell, which he did.

Mandy: Yeah.

Adam: I suggest we work together.

Mandy: I don't know, _working with your brother got me nowhere_.

Adam: If we team up, you can get whatever you want.

Mandy: ……ok. What do you have in mind?

Adam: Just wait…….you'll see.

Back at CTU.

Sherry and Doyle come downstairs, they approach Nadia and Milo.

Sherry: Any luck?

Nadia: Nope.

Sherry: So Michelle and the others have to go _rescue Bill from prison?_

Nadia: Yeah, it's odd.

Sherry: Well, I'm sure they can pull some strings for us.

Nadia: Maybe.

Doyle: Any leads on where Jack is?

Nadia: No, he could be dead for all we know.

Jack bursts the doors open to CTU; he and Marilyn walk in.

All: Jack!?

Jack: Hi everybody.

Nadia: Jack, I'm surprised that you're alive.

Jack: Oddly enough; me too…..uh…_Why is George Mason here?_

Sherry: Oh, don't worry about him, he's 'death'.

George: Hello, Jack.

Jack: George.

Nadia: Jack, look at this.

Jack walks over to Nadia's computer.

Nadia: I got a call from Michelle; they are going to get Bill and Morris out of prison.

Jack: Nice.

Nadia: However, our computer was able to intercept a call from who we strongly believe is from Harry Love.

Jack: Love? What's he doing back here?

Nadia: Michelle told me that Rolando Callahan wanted Marilyn to use against you to do whatever he wanted.

Jack: Why didn't he use Audrey?

Marilyn: Wha?!

Nadia: Because Harry Love wanted her to use against her father.

Jack: Heller? Doesn't he want me because I killed his consulate?

Nadia: The conference was a setup to distract us, so you didn't kill him. Someone else must have.

Jack: That jerk!

Nadia: He looks like he's on his way to this address.

Jack: Excellent. Marilyn, you stay here. Do you guys have any leads on Audrey or Kim?

Nadia: Oh, they're downstairs in the food court.

Jack: Food court?

Nadia: Yeah.

Jack: Okay, I'll run down there real quick. Doyle….

Doyle: Jack.

Jack: Get a team ready, we leave in 10 minutes. _It's time to finish this_…….

George (flipping through a magazine): That was cheesy.

Jack: _Your face is cheesy_!

George: That doesn't even make any sense!

Jack walks off as everyone gets back to work. George answers his phone.

George (on the phone): Yeah…….ok, are you serious this time? Because now I have two people to deal with. If I take this guy's soul can I finally leave?!...Great, fax me the info.

The fax machine makes some noises and it shoots out a piece of paper. George picks it up to show _Jack's Picture_. Cause Of Death: _Incineration from House Explosion_….

George: Hmm……..

He looks up and watches Jack go down the escalator.

George: Interesting…..

4:59:57  
4:59:58  
4:59:59  
5:00:00

NEXT WEEK: THE 2 HOUR SEASON FINALE OF 24…..

Chloe: Finally!

THE PLOT FINALLY COMES TO AN END….HOPEFULLY…..

Chloe: -Groan-

FIRST, IT'S A SPECIAL HALLOWEEN '24'!

Fred: Ugh….

-SWOOSH-

Michelle, Chloe, and Tony are checking their _Trick or Treat bags_.

Michelle: I got a razor blade.

Chloe: I got a syringe.

Tony: I got a copy of _'The Simple Life_' on DVD.

Michelle: Oooh, that sucks.

Chloe: Tony wins….

Tony: Yay!

-SWOOSH-

AND TEMPERS FLARE WHEN JACK BREAKS THE RULES….

Jack (on the phone): I have to do this Bill, whether you like it or not.

Bill: Jack, don't do this…..hello?...damn!

Bill (walking onto the main floor of CTU): We have a problem. Jack has gone _Rogue!_

Nadia: He's gone _Rogue!?_

Milo: Not _Rogue!_

Computer Techs: Oh no, Jack's gone _Rogue!_

Fozzie Bear: Jack's gone _Rogue! WOCKA! WOCKA!_

Chloe: Why does everyone keep saying that word?

Reporter Betty: And in recent news, Federal Agent Jack Bauer has gone _ROGUE!_ We now return you to our feature presentation of X-Men.

Iceman: _Rogue! _I want to be with you, _Rogue_. But every time we get together, _Rogue,_ I almost die.

Rogue: I can't help it! I'm _Rogue!_

Professor X: _Rogue, _you and the other X-men get to the Briefing Room. We're afraid Wolverine has gone _Rogue_……_Rogue_.

Chloe: Will you people stop saying that word!

Suddenly, loud Broadway type music starts to blare as Bill, Nadia, Milo, Tony, Michelle, Sherry, Doyle, Morris, and some Computer Extras line up together and start doing the _Can-Can!_

Everybody (singing): _JACK'S GONE ROGUE!_...da, da, da, da, da, da, da. _JACK'S GONE ROGUE!_...da, da, da, da, da, da, da. _HE'S GONE_...

Tony: R!

Michelle: O!

Bill: G!

Nadia: U!

Morris: E, dahling!

Everybody: _JACK'S!_..._GONE!_..._ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGUE!_

Chloe (pissed): Dammit, that is it!

Chloe pulls out a TNT box from under her desk and presses down on the handle. CTU explodes. –KABOOOOOOOM!-

THE 2 HOUR HALF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL SEASON FINALE OF 24, NEXT WEEK…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……


	23. 5:00am'Its The Great Pumpkin,Jack Bauer'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that happy stuff, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No candy corn was harmed in the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 23

5:00am – 6:00am 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Jack Bauer'

AT FRED'S HOUSE.

Fred is sitting in his living room.

Fred: Ah, I love Halloween. It's so much fun!

His doorbell rings.

Fred: Oooh! Trick or Treaters!

Fred walks to his front door grabbing a bowl of candy on his way. He opens the door to find….

Fred: Oh crap…..

Paul: Hi Fred!

Sam: Hola!

Fred: Please tell me you're not….

Paul: _Trick or Treating?_ Heck yeah!

Fred: Uh, no. That's not what I meant….uh……_Are you dressed as Jack Bauer?_

Paul: I sure am! You see, Sam? I told you he would get it!

Fred: That's just awful…..(Looking at Sam) And what are you supposed to be?

Sam: I'm _Kiefer Sutherland!_

Paul: I think you did a good job.

Sam: Thanks!

Fred: _How the hell are you Kiefer Sutherland?!_

Sam: What do you mean? Don't I look like him?

Fred: That's completely stupid! You look like Jack Bauer!

Sam: Well…..they share some qualities. But I don't see how they're related…

Fred: _HE'S THE ACTOR THAT PLAYS HIM!!!!_

Sam: What?

Fred: AAAAARRRRGH!...Calm down Fred……-Whew-…….anyway, why aren't you guys a little old to be 'Trick or Treating'?

Paul: Yeah, you're never too old to Trick or Treat!

Fred: Uh…..huh…..yeah, well. See you at work.

Paul: Hey, aren't you going to give us any candy?!

Fred: Oh, fine.

He puts some _Granola Bars_ in their sacks.

Paul: Uh…..

Sam: _I love Granola!_

Paul: Not that we're not grateful…..but…..don't you have something……that……doesn't suck?

Fred: What?

Sam: He means actual candy.

Fred: Uh….no?

Paul: Hmm, oh well. I guess we have enough candy as it is.

Fred: People actually gave you candy. That's rich…..

Paul: I think we can call it a night.

Fred: Yeah, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow. We have to write out 24's _Season Finale_…..

Paul and Sam look at each other.

Fred: Oh come on! Don't tell me you already wrote it without telling me?

Paul: Uh……..sorry. We didn't mean to write it without you. It was an accident.

Fred: _YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK!_

Paul: Oh, right….

Fred: Ugh….. (He closes the door).

Sam: Hey, we didn't get any granola bars!

Paul: And with that I shall ring this doorbell again…….Press!

Beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…….bepbepbepbpebpebpebpebpepbepbpebpepbepbepbe…….

Paul: Hmm….._What a strange sounding doorbell_…

Sam: I think my _Butterfinger_ bar has staples in it…………ow……it does……oooh, that smarts……

Beep…..beep……beep……beep……bepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbepbep…….24!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24….

-SWOOSH-

Chloe: This is the address that Jack was tracked to.

The house explodes. –BOOM!-

Tony: EEK!

Michelle: I don't see Jack here, even _pieces of him_. I think this was a trap.

A helicopter shows up and opens fire. –RATATATATATATA!-

Karen: I think you be right….

-SWOOSH-

Bill: Karen, it's Bill, I'm in prison.

Karen: Sucks to be you.

Bill: Uh, can you come…..you know……rescue us?

Karen: Oh, sure! We're on our way!

Michelle: Swell… (MICHELLE DESSLER AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

Bill: Morris, who are these people! They're eating my food. You know how I don't like that…

Morris: They're just guests. It's a party, relax! It's not like we're going to get arrested.

The doorbell rings.

Cop: It's the police!

Morris: Whoops…. (BILL BUCHANAN AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

Mandy: Come with me.

Marilyn: But I don't wanna!

Mandy opens the door to find presumably dead _Adam Logan_.

Adam: Hi!

He hits her upside the head.

-SWOOSH-

Adam: I want my money.

Rolando: Well, there isn't any!

Adam: That sucks.

Jack: Marilyn, I have a plan to get out of here. We have to follow this plan. Operation '_Grab a toilet seat and knock out a guard'_. (JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Noah: Tom, I got off the phone with Karen, making your near death experiences in the forest looking for her completely in vain!

Tom: Oh, how lovely.

Noah: Now we can get some sleep.

Tom: We have to go to the Presidential Breakfast!

Noah: You have got to be kidding me! (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

-SWOOSH-

Sherry (On the phone): CTU has been rebuilt?...That's wonderful. We'll be on our way there shortly. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

Nadia: Michelle, where are you guys?

Michelle: We have to go rescue Bill. We have important information about Rolando Callahan…

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Why is George Mason here?

Sherry: He's 'Death'.

Jack: Oh.

Nadia: Jack, we got a lead on Harry Love.

Jack: Ok, Doyle, get a team ready. We leave in 10 minutes.

-SWOOSH-

George (on the phone): So if I take this guy with me, it'll release my contract with these other losers……great, who is it?

George picks up Jack's photo out of the fax machine.

George: Come on, _this guy is Jack Bauer, he doesn't die…ever!_ –Sigh-…..

Morris: The following takes place between 5:00am and 6:00am.

The Assault Helicopter flies through the early morning skies in Los Angeles towards the oddly named Azkaban Correctional Facility.

Michelle: Why is it named that?

Chloe: I don't know. It just is…

Karen: How are we going to break in and rescue Bill?

Michelle: I'm not sure. Judging by the marquee I doubt they'll just let us in….

Chloe: I might be able to pull up some schematics for the building. Hold on….

Chloe leans over and picks up her laptop. She opens it to find….

Chloe: Oh crap….my computer has a virus! Aaah!

Computer: _Warning! You're Computer Has Been Infected With The Nina Myers Virus! Bwa! Ha! This program has performed an illegal operation and will be followed by the 'Blue Screen Of Death'. Toodles!_

Chloe's laptop explodes. Whip cream splatters all over her face. –SPLOOK!-

Chloe: Ugh….the hell?

Tony: Yeah, sorry Chloe. That was my fault. I tried downloading _Super Awesome Quest: Online and it just messed it up!_

Chloe: Fine time to tell me this information now, Tony!

Tony: Sorry….

Chloe: _The Nina Myers Virus?!_ God, won't that woman just go away! Yeesh……man, stupid whip cream. I got it all over my face…..

Karen slowly raises her finger to Chloe's cheek.

Chloe: _Don't even think about it_…

Karen's finger backs off.

Meanwhile, at Azkaban Prison.

Bill has his hands clenched around the bars in his cell. Morris and Baxter are playing _Battleship_.

Morris: I-33

Baxter: _Go fish_….

Morris: What?

Baxter: Go fish…..

Morris: Dahling, its _Battleship_, not 'Go Fish'…

Baxter: Oh….

Morris: Your turn.

Baxter: N-41

Morris: _Bingo!_

Baxter: Huh?

Morris: What's wrong, dahling? That's how you play the game…

Baxter: I don't think so….

Bill (to the Security Guard): ….._Psst!_...Hey!..._Psst!_..._Pssssst!_..._Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss_…….

Guard: _WHAT!?_

Bill: Oh nothing…..

Guard: What do you want?

Bill: No, it's no biggie….

Guard: Seriously, what do you want?

Bill: Well, I was wondering since I was in here and all, if I get a free phone call….

Guard: You already got your phone call!

Bill: No I didn't.

Guard: Uh, yeah you did.

Bill: Nope, I'm sure of it!

Guard: Geez, okay, come this way.

The guard opens the cell door and escorts Bill to the phone. He picks it up and dials a number.

Back on the copter, Michelle answers the phone.

Michelle: Dessler.

Bill: _Bill, its Michelle_! I'm calling from the prison…

Michelle: Huh?

Bill: I'm calling you to give you the building schematics for the so you can plan our escape.

Guard: WHAT?!

Bill: Uh….I said, _I'm holding a tea party for the Queen_….so bring your best hat with you?

Guard: Oh come on, _you didn't even try to cover that up_.

Bill: Do you have to stand so close?

Guard: Well, I guess not. But make it snappy.

Bill: Great, thanks. (Back on the phone) Now Michelle, when you get here…What were you arriving in again?

Michelle: A Helicopter.

Bill: Good, you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Anyway, you will land the copter at the heliport at the east end of the building. When you get to the door, the pass code is '135'….

Michelle: How do you know that?

Bill: That's how they brought us in. I have a keen sense of memorizing things! Now, get in and take the first left and you'll get to our cell. Good luck.

Bill hangs up.

Guard: Are you done now?

Bill: But…._don't I get a phone call?_

Guard: You just got off the phone!

Bill: No I didn't.

Guard: _YES YOU DID!_ I just saw you hang up the phone.

Bill (plugging his ears): La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Back at CTU, Jack is downstairs in the CTU Food Court. Audrey and Kim are eating food. –MUNCH!-

Kim: Hi dad!

Jack: Hey, Kim. Audrey.

Audrey: Hey Jack.

Jack: What are you guys up to tonight?

Audrey and Kim look at each other.

Kim: It's been a long day……very long.

Jack: Well, you two relax here. I have to go get rid of the bad guy and resolve everything; and I better hurry too because _it's almost been 24 hours before this whole mess started!_

Kim: We'll be fine.

Doyle enters the food court.

Doyle: Jack. We're ready.

Jack: Good. Let's swing by the 'Cell Block Department'.

Doyle: Meh?

Jack: I need to speak with Charles Logan.

Doyle: Feh?

Jack: I need to see if he has any more information that could help us with either Callahan or Love.

Doyle: Bleh?

Jack: And maybe….just maybe…..he can help us.

Doyle: uh……what?

Jack: Let's roll.

5:05:11, back in the CTU ACTION ROOM!

Nadia: _Action Room, _huh?

Milo (jumping up): YAY!

Milo's outburst sends Nadia flying out of your chair. –WHAP!-

Nadia: Ow….What the hell are you so excited about?

Milo: We got our morning shipment!

Nadia: _We get shipments_?

Sherry shrugs.

Milo gleefully runs to the door and greets the deliveryman with a big box.

Milo: Signing…..and…..done! Awesome, thanks!

Milo takes the box and carries it for the total of 2 feet, dropping it with a thud. –THUD!-

Milo: Nadia, hand me one of those box knives.

Nadia tosses it to Milo. He catches it and starts stabbing the box incessantly. –SHUNK! SHUNK! SHUNK!-

Nadia: Uh, Milo? You run the knife across…..

Milo: Like this?

Nadia: Yes Milo…..very good. (Rolls eyes)

Milo: Costumes!

Nadia: I beg your pardon?

Milo: They sent us costumes…

Sherry: That has to be a mistake.

Milo: Nope, it's for us…..oooh, this is gonna be fun.

Sherry: Great……

Nadia: I'll be quitting now.

Sherry: ….

At the White House.

Noah and Tom are sitting at the Presidential Breakfast. Not much going on here….

Noah: This is boring, what are we doing here?

Tom: Uh…..well, we are…..trying to…..uh….

Noah: …..

Tom: Okay, I have no idea why we're here.

Noah: Well, find out. I'm tired, Tom. This whole _staying up for 24 hours business_ is for the birds!

Tom: Well, if I may remind you, _you did take a short nap a few hours ago_.

Noah: That doesn't count. Just find out why we're here.

Woman: Hello, Mr. President!

Noah: Hello…

Woman: You know what this is all about, right?

Noah: Uh……

He nervously looks at Tom.

Noah: Yes I do!

Woman: Great.

The woman grabs a microphone.

Woman: Everybody, I'm glad you joined us for this _extremely early celebration_…

Applause…. –CLAPPITY!-

Woman: Welcome to the _Early Breakfast Presidential Inauguration Ceremony. _

Noah: Uh….

Tom: Okay, hmm…..

Woman: Well, you're the longest surviving President this season, so we might as well make it official!

Noah: I'm not expert. _But I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to go like this_….

Tom: I'm sure it's a new procedure, nothing out of the extraordinary.

The woman walks up.

Woman: Okay, Mr. President. I need you to put on this _Ceremonial Robe_.

Noah: Uh, what now?

Woman: I need you to wear this robe while we dance around you singing the Inauguration Song.

Noah: That's ridiculous!

Woman: Are you going to be this nation's president?

Noah: Well, yes….but….

Woman: With all do respect sir; we have guidelines to abide by….

Noah: I suppose.

Woman: Where is the first lady?

Noah: There…..kinda….isn't one…..

Tom: Well, there could've been _Lisa Miller_…..but we won't touch that one….

Noah: That would be nice.

Tom: Yeah.

Woman: Hmm….okay, Mr. Lennox. You will have to fill in. Put on this _Swedish Dress_…

Tom: _Dress?_

Woman: Yes.

Tom: I'm not wearing a dress. I refuse!

Woman: But you have to.

Tom: No I don't.

Woman: Uh….yeah you do.

Tom: No.

Woman: Yes!

Tom: No!

Woman: Yes!

Noah: Just do it Tom.

Tom: GAH!

Meanwhile, at Logan's holding cell.

Logan: You want me to what now?

Jack and Doyle are standing outside Logan's prison cell.

Jack: Logan, I need to know if you have any information about Harry Love or Rolando Callahan before we head out.

Logan: I might, I'm not telling you anything unless…..

Jack: You can come with us to confront Love. We can try to use you as bait.

Logan: Okay, I'll tell you what you want. But I want _Immunity_ for all my actions in the past.

Jack: Nope, you can come with us!

Logan: I don't want that, I want Immunity.

Jack: Nah, Immunity is _really annoying and inconvenient_; especially for us good guys.

Logan: Well, duh. That's why all the villains ask for it whenever we're cornered.

Jack: Stupid laws……

5:10:12, Back at the Prison. The helicopter lands at the heliport.

Michelle: Strange, you would think there would be some alarms going off or something.

Chloe: I've scanned the exterior of the complex and yeah….oddly enough there aren't even any guards out here or anything. I guess the coast is clear….

Tony: Okay team! Let's go!

Tony hops out of the helicopter.

Michelle: _Who made him boss all of a sudden?_

The rest of the group piles out of the vehicle and sneak around to the east wing of the facility. They approach the door.

Chloe: Okay, let's see how hard it'll be to get in here.

Karen grabs the handle and opens the door.

Chloe: Great, _now I feel even more uneasy_….

The group proceeds inside and down the hall. They approach yet another door.

Tony: And this door should be just as easy to open.

Tony reaches for the handle which electrocutes him. –ZAP!- He flies back a couple of feet.

Tony: YEOWCH!

Chloe: Swell. Okay, all I need to do is hook up this decoder and…..

Guard: Hey, who's there!?

Chloe: EEP!

Michelle: Hide!

Chloe and Michelle run off, Tony and Karen fail to get away.

Guard: You two! Hold it right there.

They freeze.

Karen: Dang, they caught us…..

Tony: Well, uh…you see, kind sir….we….

Guard: Are you two _The Talent Show Coordinators?!_

Tony and Karen exchange looks.

Both: Yes, yes we are.

Guard: Excellent. It's not much longer to show time! You guys are late! Come with us.

Tony: Uhhh……

Michelle and Chloe peek around the corner.

Michelle: We should probably save them.

Chloe: Probably……

Back at CTU. Jack, Doyle, Logan, and some unimportant extras as backup. George steps in their way.

George: Jack.

Jack: George.

George: I just want to tell your group…good luck.

Jack: Way too suspicious….

George: I mean, I just want to say you are doing a _smashing_ job. Put er there, pal….

George extends his hand. Jack slightly squints suspiciously.

Jack: Okay, I suppose a friendly handshake couldn't hurt anything, it's not like I'll die…..Initiating handshake.

Jack reaches his hand out…..

Sherry: Jack!

Jack: Yes! (He walks off)

George: Damn!

Sherry: Oh nevermind, I forgot.

George slaps his forehead.

Milo: Can we wear the costumes now?

Sherry: Oh about that. I got a call from _Division_….

Milo: AHHH!

Milo runs and jumps out the window. –CRASH!-

Milo: Oh right, _we're on the first floor_.

He climbs back in.

Sherry: Anyway…..Unfortunately, Division told me about the costumes, and that they are actually _our work uniforms_.

Nadia: _Uniforms?!_ AHHHH!

Nadia runs and jumps out the window. –CRASH!-

Bob The Window Guy: _I'm getting tired of fixing this window! Quit it!_

She climbs back in.

Sherry: Well, enough of that. Go ahead and put these on.

Milo puts his _Werewolf _costume on.

Nadia: What the hell is that?!

Milo: These costumes are awesome!

Nadia: You can't expect us to actually _work_ in these things!

Sherry: Rules are rules, Nadia.

Nadia: Oh, please! _You're Sherry Palmer; you do nothing BUT break the rules_.

Sherry: Hmm….you're right. But you might as well put these on anyway. No point in wasting them.

Nadia pulls out her _Raunchy Nurse Outfit_.

Nadia: I should've seen this coming.

Milo (Wolf): Great let's do some pointless computer work!

Sherry (putting on a _Tall Marge Simpson Blue Wig)_: These are a little silly….whoa….losing balance….

Sherry falls over. Nadia groans.

Somewhere else, there's a knock at the door. Opening….

Bouncer: Mr. Australian President.

Harry Love: Hello. I….hope I'm not too late.

Bouncer: Not at all. Your costume is over there.

Harry: I don't recall there being a costume…

Bouncer: It's a Halloween Party, sir.

Harry: _It's Halloween?_

Bouncer: Uh….sure. Come on in…..

Harry walks in and grabs his 'Grim Reaper' costume.

Harry: Hmm…..

5:15:23. Audrey and Kim are eating their food / Tony and Karen are being escorted down the prison hallways / Jack, Doyle, and Logan are driving / People are dancing around Tom and Noah as part of the 'Ritual of Presidential Acknowledgement'.

Noah: I am officially convinced that this _is not how they do things_.

Meanwhile, at one of Rolando Callahan's many hideouts, Adam Logan and Mandy The Assassin Without A Last Name, are in the bathroom…._bathrooming_!

Mandy: What does that mean?!

Adam: Okay, Mandy. Are the explosives ready?

Mandy: Sure.

Adam and Mandy arm the prison door with explosives. Adam readies the detonator.

Adam: Okay, stand back.

They step away from the door as Adam presses the shiny red button. –BOOOM!-

Adam: That went well.

They step outside to find the guards down from the blast.

Adam: Even better than expected. Let's go, my dear…

Mandy: I'm not your dear….

Adam: Oh……

Meanwhile, back at CTU's Food Court.

Audrey: Those were some really good burgers.

Kim: Yeah, for being made out of _Squirrel Meat_ they weren't half bad.

Audrey: Yeah….._made form what!?_

The Manager approaches them.

Manager: I need to talk to you ladies.

Audrey: Oh the food was great and the service was wonderful.

Manager: Well, that's good and all. It's just that _you never paid for your food_.

Audrey: I…didn't know we were supposed to.

Manager: Oh nice! So you just get free food huh? I guess the world likes _Free Counter Terrorism Service_ as well!

Audrey: Uh….that's kinda completely different…

Manager: Hogwash. Now you two will have to work off your tab. _In the kitchen_….

Kim: BUH!? Kim don't understand!

Manager: Get to work! Your _costumes_….er…._uniforms_ will be supplied.

Kim: Ewww.

Kim and Audrey follow the Manager behind the counter at _'Happy Burger_'.

Kim: Wow. You guys have these giant novelty hamburgers! Color me '_Impressed_'.

Manager: _These are your uniforms_.

Kim: _Color me 'Going to vomit'_…..

Manager: There are customers waiting. Get ready.

Audrey: _How the hell are there customers?! _This is a federal building for crying out loud!

Kim: This burger is really sweaty….gross……

Meanwhile, back in Prison.

Bill's cell opens. Karen and Tony enter with a box full of useless crap.

Bill: Hello, Wife!

Karen: Hello, Hus…..er….

Guard: I'm getting suspicious….

Karen: Uh…._Guy who looks like husband!_

Tony, Baxter, and Morris clap. –CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!-

Bill: Good cover.

Karen: _Thanks husband!_

Guard: Getting even more suspicious.

Karen: Well, you prison mates. We have a lot of work to do!

Tony: She's right.

Bill: What do you have planned?

Karen: We are your talent coordinators. We need to get you guys ready for the _First Annual Early Morning Azkaban Prison Talent Show_….

Bill: Say what now?

Baxter: I have a feeling we were better off letting someone else rescue us.

Morris: Meh…..

Karen: Okay, let's get to practicing on our act. _Husband, _right this way.

Guard: GRR!

5:20:11, back at CTU.

George: I have to kill Jack. There's no way around it. It's the order of life. But how to get away with it so _The Powers That Be_ won't notice….hmm…..(snaps) Got it.

He gets up and walks over to Milo and the others, apparently doing nothing.

Nadia (to Sherry): All you add is peanut butter?

Sherry: That's it.

Nadia: Wow, how interesting.

George: Whatever. Anyhoo, Milo, can you come this way please?

Milo walks over to George.

Milo: What is it, George?

George: I may have a way to break the loophole.

Milo: What loophole?

George: Between you, Sherry, and Myself.

Milo: Huh?

George: _Haven't you been paying attention to this stupid sub-plot?!_

Milo: Not really.

George: Well, at least you're honest. Anyway, I have to go kill Jack.

Milo: You're going to kill Jack! WHA!?

George: Keep it down, will ya? I have to take his soul….

Milo: And do what with it?

George: Oh, you know a little night on the town. Dinner, dancing, and maybe a late night movie. _WHAT ELSE DO GRIM REAPERS DO WITH SOULS!?_

Milo: Uh…now you're yelling.

Sherry: You know we can hear you; you only walked like, 2 feet away from us.

Nadia: What's this about you killing Jack?

George: Good going, Milo.

Milo: I didn't do anything!

George: Well, Sherry, at lease you've been paying attention. I think I have a way to break this thing we have going on.

Sherry: I'm listening.

George: The _Powers That Be_ sent me my next contract, and it's Jack.

Milo: _Jack who?_

George pulls out a gun and shoots Milo. –BAM!-

Milo: ERK! (Falls)

Nadia: Uhh….

George: Don't worry about him, he's fine.

Sherry: You can't kill Jack, George.

George: Okay, if you say so!...No, Sherry. I have to. It's what I do.

Sherry: Well…..can't you at least wait until he's solved whatever it is that he's doing.

George: This can't wait, Sherry. I must leave now. But I can't have you both following along. So….I need Milo to pretend to be…me….just for a little bit.

Milo: Yes, because if I do recall, _I have Grim Reaping experience_.

George: Oh, bah! Like you would call it that! Just, take these clothes. We'll trade.

Milo: _But I wanna be the werewolf!_

George: _MILO!_

Milo: Oh all right.

Nadia: Let me make sure I got this right. The omnipotent_ Powers That Be_ will destroy the world due to its imbalance if the three of you are separated due to a loophole in the contracts from the souls you were supposed to take from the already dead Milo and Sherry?

George: Yeah.

Nadia: They can tell if you guys split up?

George: Well, yeah but…..

Nadia: But they won't notice that A) You're gone. B) There are only two of them here. C) Milo's dressed as you?

George: You're right, Nadia. _You are going to have to be Milo_.

Nadia: WHAT?!

Milo: Careful, Nadia. _Being me is not an easy task_.

Nadia: That's stupid! Why can't Milo be Milo!?

George: Uh…duh, Nadia. _He's pretending to be me…_

Nadia: I mean, _Why can't I be you_?

George: Because Milo is playing me already. Besides, _who will play Milo?_

Nadia (shaking her fists): _MILO, DAMMIT!_

George: I don't have time for this. I must be off.

Nadia: My head hurts……

Back at Harry's Halloween Hideout, in the car.

Jack: Okay, we're here. Let's hit it….

The three of them get out of the car and approach the building.

Bouncer: Password?

The three guys look at each other.

Jack: uh……._The Love Boat?_

Bouncer: You got lucky, go inside.

Jack: Woo hoo!

They go inside the house to find everyone dressed up.

Jack: Ooooh, a _Halloween Party!_ My favorite.

Doyle pulls out a calendar.

Doyle: _Is it Halloween?_

Jack: Oh, its _24, like anybody ever knows what day of the year these episodes take place on_.

Doyle: Hmm.

Jack: Okay, they have supplied us costumes. We have a 'Grim Reaper' costume…..a…..'Grim Reaper' costume……hey, _all of these are grim reaper costumes_.

Logan: What a rip-off!

Jack: Oh well, might as well put them on while we're here. Now remember men, we are looking for Harry Love.

Logan: Uh, _didn't we have backup_.

Jack: They were only contracted to appear for a few minutes.

Logan: How could I not have guessed?

Back at the Prison.

Chloe and Michelle approach another door.

Chloe: Oh man, I need a special hack for this one. This door probably leads to the control room. We can disable the alarms and break out Bill and the others.

Michelle: What do you need?

Chloe: My computer.

Michelle: Hold on.

Michelle whips out her phone and dials CTU.

Nadia (picking up): CTU Yassir….

Michelle: Nadia, its Michelle. We are at a dead end and need to hack into this door and it can only be done with Chloe's computer.

Nadia: Um…well. The tech guys kinda goofed and Chloe's computer is just _a cardboard box with a hole in it_.

Michelle (to Chloe): Did you catch that?

Chloe: Yes. –Sigh-…..okay, use Morris'.

Nadia walks across the floor to Morris computer. She types some stuff.

Nadia: Okay, ready.

Chloe sends Nadia the information.

Nadia: Hmm…Chloe I'm looking at this and it shows that no pass code was givin for the door.

Chloe: That's impossible.

Nadia: Oh wait…..the door is on its _initial installation mode_, you have to give it a code first.

Chloe: Oh for the love of snow!...okay……

Chloe presses some numbers.

Chloe: Got it.

Nadia: Now put that code in _again_, and you should be set.

Chloe: Okay.

A bird flies up and bonks Chloe in the head. –BONK!-

Chloe: AAH! _I forgot the code! _

Michelle: Now what?

Nadia: -Sigh-, hold on…….okay…..and…..its…….9.

Michelle: Go on….

Nadia: That's it.

Michelle: Man, _that bird must have hit you pretty hard_.

Chloe: Shut up. Okay, and….we're in the control…..

Chloe and Michelle enter, much to their horror.

Chloe: …._room?_

They stumble upon the _Prison Auditorium_.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please! Here on their world tour its '_A Little Bit Of Sunshine!_'

Chloe and Michelle exchange puzzled looks as Tony, Karen, Morris, Bill, and Baxter walks on stage.

Michelle: Oh God, I can't watch this!

Chloe: I can! (She takes a seat, grabbing a handful of popcorn out of the bucket from the Prisoner sitting next to her) –CHOMP-

Tony: Okay, everybody!

Morris: Dahling, these costumes are itchy!

Baxter: _Was it really necessary for me to put on a 'Cougar' costume? _Just sayin….

Cherry music starts to play. The group shuffle to the left and right.

Tony (singing): _I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name!_

Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris (singing): _I hear you now!_

Tony (singing): _I just can't stay inside all day; I gotta get out, get me some of those raaaays!_

Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris (singing): _Everybody's smiling!_

Tony: _Sunshine Day!_

Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris: _Everybody's Laughing!_

Tony: _Sunshine Day!_

Karen/Bill/Baxter/Morris: _Everybody seems, so happy today_……

All: _It's a Sunshine Day!_

Someone fires a gun at the stage. –POW!-

Tony: Ahh, I don't think they liked it.

The prisoners start throwing chairs and booing.

Prisoners: BOOOO!

Karen: Okay, let's hurry up and do our next song…

Prisoners: _BIGGER BOOOOO!_

Chloe: Sad thing is, that _this is going a lot better than I expected_.

Michelle: Yeah, _they could have wanted an 'Encore'_.

Chloe shudders.

5:30:12. Prisoners are still throwing things while Tony and Company do _The Charleston_ / Jack in Grim Reaper disguise, is climbing a staircase / Audrey is flipping burgers in her giant burger outfit at 'Happy Burger' / Noah and Tom are _finally eating breakfast_.

George arrives at the party. The bouncer stops him.

Bouncer: What is the pass word?

George: Uh…..

George runs for it.

George: Wait, I'm 'Death' I could've taken care of that brute. Oh well! Hmm….this looks like a Dress-up party. Good thing I'm wearing this stupid Wolf Costume.

On the other side of the house….

Doyle, Jack, and Logan, who were split up, regroup in the kitchen.

Doyle: Jack, did you have any luck finding Love?

Jack: Not really, I mean I'm kinda seeing Audrey, but I'm not too sure if it's going anywhere….

Doyle: _I'm talking about The President Of Australia, you idiot!_

Jack: You're the idiot.

Doyle: Real mature.

Jack slaps Doyle.

Doyle: Ow….Don't slap me, stupid! (He slaps Jack back)

Jack: Ouch…..Don't call me 'stupid'…stupid! (He slaps him back)

They engage in a slapping match. –SLAPPITY!-

Logan: _Ladies, please!_ We have more important matters to attend to! Well…._you have more important matters to attend to_….I'm just here…..

Jack: You're right. I'm sorry.

Jack slaps Doyle.

Doyle: GRR!

Back at CTU again…

Marilyn Bauer is in the bathroom washing her face. She grunts as she rubs her arm, which is still stinging from something Adam injected her with. She stares at herself in the mirror for a couple of seconds, then leaves the restroom. Well, that's about it for CTU for now, let's see what's going on _In the magical land of Corrections!_

Karen, Tony, Bill, Baxter, and Morris are still getting assaulted with thrown objects. They retreat offstage.

Morris: Dahling, the stupid songs aren't working!

Karen: I knew this would happen.

Baxter: Uh…._then why did we do it?_

Karen: Because I'm the _Talent Coordinator!_ I'm responsible for this disaster! Think of the reviews, they could kill my career.

Tony whispers in her ear.

Karen: Oh right……We're 'Pretending'…..okay. I have a new plan.

Bill: What's that?

Karen: We ditch the singing, and show off our _acting talents!_

Tony: I don't know. _We're not very good actors_.

Karen: …..

Bill: …..

Baxter: …..

Morris: …..

Tony: ……are we?

Karen: Of course we are!

Tony: Okay then….

Karen: Let's get out there and act our butts off! I've prepared this script.

She hands everyone a copy.

Karen: We have…._no time to remember the lines_. So everybody get dressed and let's go!

She walks back on stage to the endless sounds of booing.

Prisoners: BOOOO!

The others join her.

Baxter: Uh….I don't know about this script.

Announcer: And now, everyone's favorite couple and their crazy adventures. It's '_I LOVE KAREN!'_

Karen walks about dusting off some stuff. Morris walks on stage dressed _as an elderly woman_.

Karen: Oh, _Good Morning Ethel!_

Morris: _Ethel!?_

Karen: Billy is going to be home soon from practicing with his band. I have to perform in the show with him tonight. But he insists that I'm a talent-less hack!

Morris: Oh, well…Karen, what are you going to do?

Karen: I think you mean…_What are 'WE' going to do?_

Morris: Oh no, Karen…_I'm not getting involved with another one of your crazy schemes!_

Offstage, Bill's about to step on.

Tony (miffed): Why do I have to be _Fred Mertz!_ I'm half his age!

Bill: Because Karen's my wife, duh!

Tony: Hmph!

Bill walks on stage in the 'Living Room'.

Bill: Karen, I'm home!

Karen: Oh hello, honey. How was your day at work?

Bill: Awful.

Karen: Look on the bright side; you could be one of these _smelly prisoners!_

Prisoners: BOOOOOO!

The prisoners start to charge the stage.

Karen: Oh, they loved it! They really loved it.

The group runs off stage, Bill grabs Karen on the way. –SWOOP!-

Karen: EEK!

In the hall outside the auditorium.

Michelle (looking at a map of the building): How's it going in there?

Chloe: They did a rip-off of '_I Love Lucy'_ and now they're being chased by everyone.

Michelle: I hope Tony wasn't forced to play '_Fred' _again, he hates that. The same thing happened to him in Junior High.

Chloe: Uh, now they're coming this way…..

Michelle: Okay, the control room is up this hallway to the right. Let's move!

5:35:11, CTU.

Milo waves Sherry over.

Sherry: What is it?

Milo: George's gave me this phone and it's ringing!

Nadia: Most phones ring, Milo.

Milo: It's…._The Powers That Be!_

Nadia: Oh brother….

Milo: Play along……-ahem-……(He answers it)…._This is George Mason speaking_……..uh huh………uh huh……….Where's Milo?...(Nervously looks at Nadia).

Nadia: -Sigh-……_Hi, I'm Milo and I'm really annoying! Blah, blah, blah!_

Milo: _No I'm not!_

Sherry and Nadia smack Milo in the head. –WHAP!-

Milo: I mean……that was Milo all right……

Sherry buries her face in her hands.

Milo (on the phone): Uh huh…….uh huh……..uh huh……great!...Will do…….Don't worry….._Bauer will be taken care of_……..Goodbye!

Nadia: Well?

Milo: He says 'Keep up the good work'…..

Nadia and Sherry exchange looks again.

Downstairs, in the Food Court.

Marilyn walks up to Kim at the counter of 'Happy Burger'.

Kim: Oh, Hi Aunt Marilyn.

Marilyn: Hello Kimberly. Is Audrey around? I need to ask her something really important.

Kim: She's in the back thawing some hamburger meat. She'll be out in a few minutes.

Marilyn: Great. Could you tell her to meet me in my room?

Kim: Sure……

Marilyn walks off.

Kim: _Why does Marilyn get a room_?

The Manager walks up.

Manager: HEY! Where's your burger outfit?!

Kim: I'm sorry, it's Hot and Itchy!

Manager: Well, I think you worked off your bill. You may go.

Kim: Thanks!

Kim takes two steps and knocks over a stack of dishes. –CRASH!-

Kim looks at the Manager and laughs nervously.

Manager: ……Those dishes weren't cheap.

Kim: Funny, because _they look it!_ Ha, ha, ha….

Manager: …..

Kim: ….ha,…….ha……

Manager: …….

Kim: …..I'll put the suit back on.

At the White House.

More people are dancing around the President, who is getting fed up with this whole charade.

Noah: People are dancing around me still; _I'm getting fed up with this whole charade!_

Anyways……

Tom: Sir, if you'll excuse me for a second. I'm going to step outside for a breather.

Noah: Hurry back before they start the _Running of The Sheep_….

Tom: Uh….of course, sir.

Tom gets off his throne, which isn't as big as Noah's of course, and makes his way through the crowds of people. He opens the door to the hallway and clears his head for a moment.

Tom: Ahh, peace and quiet. Man, I don't know about anybody else, _but I can sure go for some sleep!_

Tom looks up to see a suspicious individual leave the broiler room. He looks around before closing the door. He walks away quickly.

Tom: Huh?

Tom proceeds to the broiler room door and enters. Inside, he starts to check out the place.

Tom: Hmm, nothing out of the ordinary……huh, what's this?

Tom gets a closer look at one of the pipes. He ducks his head to scope out the other side to find _a small cassette tape secured by scotch tape_.

Tom: What the?

Tom peels the tape off the surface of the pipe and takes a close look at it.

Tom (reading): …_David Palmer phone conversation_…….?...-Gasp-…….This must be what Karen was talking about. Good thing I came to this conclusion at this point in the story's final chapters. Now, I must go see what is on this tape!

5:40:12, back at the Halloween Party. Jack and Doyle are bobbing for apples.

Logan: -Sigh-, are you two finished?

Jack: _Blub, blub, blub_.

Doyle: _Blub, blub, blub_….

Logan: Swell……..Hmm?

He turns and see's someone who looks a lot like Harry.

Logan: That sure does look like him…..well, my instinct on the train was spot on. I'm sure I can get lucky again.

Logan starts to walk off.

Logan: I'll let you know if I find him……_morons_……

Jack (blubbing underwater): _He's the moron_…..

Inappropriately named Azkaban Correctional Facility, the girls find the Control Room.

Chloe: Finally!

The door opens automatically.

Chloe: We need a special hack to get into _the Auditorium_ but the room that controls everything opens with ease.

Michelle: A lot of things don't make sense anymore….

Chloe: Let's end this.

They go in, Chloe approaches the key panel.

Chloe: I can use this device on it to deactivate the alarms.

Michelle: Where are all the guards? Hmm….they're probably dealing with the riot from Tony's _'Performance'_….

Chloe: Oh crap!

Michelle: What's wrong now?

Chloe: This device was also infected with _The Nina Myers Virus!_

Michelle: Wonderful….

Chloe: And that means……

-WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!-

Michelle: It did the exact opposite and set the alarms off….

Chloe: And it opened all the other prisoner's cells, which means…..major riot.

Michelle: Stupid Nina Myers!

Chloe: We better see if we can make it safely back to the helicopter. Hopefully they'll find their way there…

Chloe and Michelle run out of the control room. Prisoners are running rampant through the halls. Tony's group reaches a fork in the hallway.

Tony: Left or Right?

Bill: I think Left.

Tony: You sure?

Bill: No.

Tony: Ah…..

Baxter: Well, we need to think of something fast! They're gaining on us!

Tony: Uh….let's try right.

The take off, colliding with Chloe and Michelle. –WHAP!-

Chloe: OOF!

Tony: Ow…..

Bill: Good to see you guys are okay.

Michelle: Same here. The exit should be this way.

Bill: Oh, _you mean to the Left?_

Tony: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just keep moving. Come on…..

They burst outside onto the heliport. Tony jumps into the pilot's seat as everyone boards frantically. Tony flips some switches as the helicopter's blade start to rotate.

Tony: All right! Everybody on board?

Michelle: Yeah, we're all present. Just get us out of here.

Tony: Not without 'Roll Call'. Karen?

Karen: Here!

Tony: Bill?

Bill: I'm here.

Tony: Chloe? Are you here?

Chloe: Shut up, Tony.

Tony: Morris?

Morris: Present, dahling.

Tony: And Baxter.

Baxter: Yeah….

Tony: And finally, Michelle? Are you here?

Michelle is glaring at Tony. A blood vessel is about to pop in her forehead.

Tony: I'll take that as a 'yes'. Now, everybody stand for _The Pledge Of Allegiance_……._I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United_….

Michelle: _Tony, get this thing off the ground before we get killed!_

Tony: Oh, fine…….

The helicopter rises off the ground as the prisoners, guards, _and dancers from the talent show_ run outside and start beating the crap out of each other.

Michelle: That was too close….

Karen: Ahhh! I forgot my box of _Cracker Jacks!_

Michelle: Keep flying….

CTU…..at the 'Happy Burger' to be precise….

Audrey comes to the front counter after thawing hamburger meat at almost _6 in the morning_.

Kim: Oh, Audrey. Marilyn wanted to see you.

Audrey: Oh…..okay…..wait, _That means I can take this thing off! YES!_

Audrey takes her Hamburger Suit off and cheerfully skips away from the food court.

Kim: Lucky…….

Back at the White House.

Tom enters the Oval Office.

Tom: Okay, gotta find a tape player….where is the tape player…..

Tom walks over and opens a closet, junk is everywhere.

Tom: Great, man….where is it?...Great, found it!

Tom pulls out a tape player, which doesn't have batteries.

Tom: Crap.

Tom runs out of the oval office and down the hall, he passes by a secret service agent.

Tom: Ooh! Secret Service Bob! Do you have any Double A's?

Bob: Sure, they're some in my pocket.

Tom: That's convenient…

Bob hands Tom the batteries, and he hauls back and pops them in the tape player.

Tape: _General Kenobi, you've served my father in the Clone Wars_…

Tom: Boring!

He pushes the 'Fast Forward Button'.

-TAPE-

David Palmer: Hello Karen….

Karen: Hi David! How's it hanging?

David: Good. Listen, I have some things to tell you. They are a matter of National Security and _you_ are the only person I can tell this to.

Karen: I'm listening….

David: Good. Now the following crucial information is brought to you by _Allstate Car Insurance._ _Allstate_….._are you in good hands?_

Tom: -Groan-…..

Back at the house party.

Logan opens the door to the roof. He see's Harry Love outside on the phone. He turns around to see Logan.

Logan: EEP!

Harry: _It's You!_

Logan: No it's not……._I'm just a figment of your imagination_……ooooh, you're dreaming…..

Harry: Shut up! I don't know why, but I get the feeling that you're following me! And I can't have you intervening with my plans anymore.

He slowly reaches to his side.

Logan: Uh……uhh……

A gunshot sires off. –BANG!-

Logan: Erk……oh wait…..I'm fine….

Harry clenches his chest and stumbles around; he loses his footing and falls over the edge of the roof. Logan rushes over and looks to the ground as Harry hits the ground. –WHAP!-

Logan: Ehh….

He turns back around to see _Jack_ holding the smoking gun.

Logan: Jack?

Doyle busts down the door outside.

Doyle: Jack!? Did you just shoot Love? What the hell were you thinking!? You didn't have to kill him.

Jack ……

Doyle: Jack, are you even listening to me!?

Jack slowly turns around and heads inside, the rood door closes as Doyle and Logan stand outside on the roof.

Doyle: Jack!...Hey!...

The screen shrinks down at 5:54:12. Doyle and Logan stand there on the roof. The exchange looks, confused. / Jack puts away his gun, walking down the hallway. / Tony is flying the helicopter. Karen has her guitar out singing campfire songs, Chloe is trying to flush out the Nina Myers virus from her computer / Audrey leaves the restroom and proceeds to go meet Marilyn / Kim is tapping her fingers on the counter / Martha Logan is leaving the CTU-Massage & Spa Parlor / Nadia, Milo, and Sherry are watching something on their computer and eating _Flaming Hot Cheetos_ / Rolando is sitting out in his car / Noah is bored to tears at the Inauguration, he eats a grapefruit / Tom finishes listening to the tape, he pushes stop and picks up the phone.

Tom is dialing CTU, Nadia answers.

Nadia: CTU Yassir….

Tom: Nadia, This is Tom Lennox….

Nadia: No thanks, we don't want any.

She hangs up. The phone rings again.

Nadia: CTU Yassir…

Tom: This is _Tom Lennox from the White House!_

Nadia: Oh, hello.

Tom: I have important information I received from a conversation between Karen Hayes and David Palmer.

Nadia: I'm listening.

Tom: A few years ago, back when Charles Logan was running for President and David was up there giving him 'Support' or whatever; David stumbled upon some papers about 2 experimental drugs that were being created by Charles' brother, Adam. One is a drug that lowers your blood pressure and gives off the illusion that the person taking the drug is 'dead'. This drug was going to take a few years to work all the kinks out and by the time it was, it was sold to Rolando Callahan. Rolando had his own evil plans to release the chemical toxin into the city's water supply that were about to be blown out in the open. So he faked his death. Then enter _Ronald Applebee_.

Nadia: Who the hell is that?

Tom: Ronald Palmer. David has Ronald, his old College roommate, pose as one of his brothers so he can get on the White House staff and put more priority into finding Adam and Rolando then eventually Harry Love, who they were also affiliated with. Someone found out that Ronald was a 'Palmer Imposter' and was going to send someone to kill him, so that's why he was going to build a robot to protect him. Why it was built to resemble _Sherry Palmer_ was beyond anyone's guess but here's the thing. What nobody knew was that somehow, one of the chips inside the robot contains a number; this number is the Chemical Toxin Machine's _Security Override Code_. If Rolando activates that machine, having that code is the only way we could stop it from killing millions of people.

Nadia: So how do we get it?

Tom: Well, here is where it gets kinda strange….

Nadia (sarcastic): _Now you're saying it gets strange!?_

Tom: Well, when the producers switched out Robot Sherry with Human Sherry to save money.

Sherry: Hmph!

Tom: They somehow…._left the chip inside the real Sherry_.

Nadia: Huh?

Tom: The security code is inside Sherry Palmer…..

Nadia: How do we get it out?

Tom: I don't know, it's microscopic. But you guys need to find a way to get it out of there. _There's only 1 episode left_ so I'm sure he's going to activate the machine soon if not that he's already done it.

Nadia: Okay…..I have a question. _David Palmer knew about all this and he hasn't been on the show in forever?_

Tom: Don't ask questions, Nadia.

Nadia: Geez, okay, okay. We'll find something. Hold on, one more thing. You said there were two experimental drugs. What was the second one?

Tom: Some type of mind control serum, I don't think they ever finished it though. Apparently Rolando was supposed to purchase that one as well……

Audrey walks into Marilyn's room.

Audrey: Hi Marilyn, you wanted to see me?

Marilyn: Yes, I did.

Marilyn grabs a lamp and whaps Audrey upside the head with it. –WHAP!-

Audrey: OOF!

Audrey falls to the floor and Marilyn drags her body off somewhere.

Back at the house. Jack is washing his face in the bathroom. The door slowly creaks open as George Mason stands in the doorway.

George: Jack?

Jack: …..

George: I'm sorry I have to do this, you being the main star and all. But….it's for the greater good.

George puts his hand on his shoulder and Jack falls to the floor….dead…….

George: Hmm……that was easy. Now to wash my hands…..ugh, these people don't have any soap. _That drives me insane when that happens!_

5:59:57  
5:59:58  
5:59:59  
6:00:00

Fred: That is what you call a 'Halloween Special'?

Paul: Yeah.

Sam: Spooky, huh?

Fred: I hate you both….

He walks out the door.

Sam: Thanksgiving's right around the corner you know.

Paul: Oh, don't worry. I have _all the holidays covered_.

Sam: Even _Kwanzaa?_

Paul: Especially _Kwanzaa!_

Sam: Wicked cool……

THE SOMEWHAT NOT SO EXCITING CONCLUSION TO THE 2 PART HALF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL SEASON FINALE OF 24…..

-SWOOSH!-

What will happen? Who will die? And what other crappy movie parodies can the writers rip on this time…….

And coming up next, A Timeless Family Classic about Friendship…..it's _Audrey's Web_……

Audrey the Spider is chillin on the farm. With Milo Pressman as Wilbur the pig.

Milo Pig: Hello, Audrey. Do you have any inspirational messages for me today?

Audrey: No…..nothing for you today, Wilbur…..but I must say……you look very nice today…..if not……_delicious_.

Milo: Uh…..thanks……

Audrey: I would almost say you look good enough…._to eat_.

Milo: WHAT?!

Audrey: I can't take this anymore!

Audrey puts on a bib and pulls out a knife and fork.

Audrey: Come here. _Mama's gonna have some sausage!_

Milo: AAAAIIIIEEE!!!!

She chases after him with blood lust in her eyes…..wow that was horrible…..

PART 2 OF THE SEASON FINALE CONTINUES….RIGHT NOW……..or whenever you go to the next chapter. Whichever seems more realistic to you……beep….beep…..beep….beep…..beep….


	24. 6:00am 'Toxic Sunrise'

_Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction._ _The characters of '24' are property of FOX and all that googley-goop, and other characters are made up, any similarities from any characters, names, or events are completely coincidental. No giant vats of Nickelodeon slime were harmed during the filming of this episode. Disclaimer over!_

The 24 Parody Project

Episode 24

6:00am – 7:00am 'Toxic Sunrise'

AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS!

Fred, Paul, and Sam are sitting around a table with party hats on.

Fred (holding up champagne): Well guys, here's to making it to the Season Finale of 24! Great job!

The guys clink their glasses together.

All: Cheers!

Fred: Yup! And I've already sent in the draft of the last episode, and it was the correct one.

Paul and Sam look at each other.

Paul: What are you talking about?

Fred: I sent in the actual Season Finale episode that actually pertained to the plot. Not one of the disasters you two come up with on a weekly basis.

Fred reaches over and grabs an envelope.

Fred: This was yours, and you thought I wouldn't catch it.

He pulls out the script and reads over it.

Fred: Ha, ha…..I can't believe I almost let this one go through…..wait…………..(Reads it)……..AHHHH! I sent the wrong one in!!!!!

Fred hops out of his chair and runs out of the room screaming.

Sam: I don't remember writing an episode this week.

Paul: Neither do I, Sam…….Neither do I……..

Sam: Oh well. More Champagne for us!

Paul: Woo hoo!

Beep……beep……beep……beep……bepbebpebepbepbepbpepbepbepbepbe……….24!!!!!

Jack: Previously on 24……

-SWOOSH-

Michelle: Tony, Karen, Bill, Morris and Baxter are doing really terribly out there. We should probably do something.

Chloe: _Laugh at their expense?_

Michelle: Okay!

Michelle sits next to Chloe and they both start horfing down popcorn. –SNARF!-

Chloe: '_Horfing_' isn't a word, jerk! (MICHELLE DESSLER AND FRIENDS)

-SWOOSH-

Jack: Those people have found Harry Love at some house, I think it would be crucial if you'd come with us!

Logan: Why?

Jack: Because…..

Logan: Is that all you got?

Jack: Yeah, it's late and I'm tired.

Doyle: He can only scream and get his way a certain number of times in one 24 hour period.

Jack: I'll kill you!

They start slapping each other. –SLAPPITY!-

Logan: _Can't I just stay here?!_

Jack: No. (JACK BAUER)

-SWOOSH-

Jack's picture prints out of the fax machine.

George: I don't have a choice this must be done I have to kill Jack Bauer.

George opens the restroom.

Woman on the toilet: AIIIIIIIEEEE!

George: Oh! Sorry!

George opens the next door; he gets hit in the head with a roll of toilet paper. –BONK!-

George: Ow…

Woman: GET OUT! You fiend!

George: Okay, we'll go with door number 3…. (GEORGE MASON)

George touches Jack's shoulder; he falls dead to the ground. –KLUMP!-

George dusts his hands off.

-SWOOSH-

Tom: Nadia. I just found this video recording between David Palmer and Karen Hayes!

Karen: That's me! (KAREN HAYES)

Tom: Ugh…..anyway, bad stuff is a brewin.

Nadia: I stopped listening after 'Nadia'.

Tom: Oh good grief. (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)

Nadia listening on the phone while Tom continues to talk.

Tom: The code to bypass the toxin releasing is in a chip inside Sherry Palmer's body.

Nadia: That's……not good…….nor does it make sense…..but not good nonetheless…. (COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT)

-SWOOSH-

David Palmer: And don't forget that _Allstate Car Insurance _offers 'Accident Forgiveness'. Which means for every 6 months you go without having a wreck…._you get a cookie!_

Karen (screams): YES!

Fred: _Will you get on with it?! And get David Palmer out of there!_ Yeesh!

Kim: The following takes place between 6:00am and 7:00am……

Dawn is starting to break across the wonderful city of Los Angeles. Meanwhile, at the Open House Halloween Party, Agent Mike Doyle and Ex-President Sorta Terrorist Convict Charles Logan are walking quickly down the hall. Doyle pounds on the bathroom door. –BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!-

Doyle: Jack! Are you in there! Jack!

Doyle kicks down the door to see Jack in the bathtub_ taking a bubble bath with his rubber ducky!_

Jack (singing): _Rubber Ducky! You're the one! (Squeek! Squeek!) _oh……crap I don't know the rest of the words!

Doyle: What the hell were you thinking!? You just killed The President of Australia. Good going, Schmuck!

Jack: What in tartar sauce are you talking about!

Doyle: Logan and I just saw you on the roof, you shot President Love!

Logan: Well, in all actuality I saw him; you just arrived a little late.

Jack: I didn't shoot anybody; I just came in here to take a bath!

Doyle: A likely story. Well, you didn't _have_ to kill him; we could've detained him and found out where Callahan is!

Logan: Well, he did look like he was pulling out a gun, but I could've been wrong.

Jack: You guys are nuts. I'm telling you I didn't shoot anybody.

Logan: Um…..Jack….can you like……_reposition your bubbles_, you're showing off your business to everybody.

Jack: I'm in the privacy of this bathroom. So I can have as many bubbles as I want!

The ground gives out and the bathtub crashes to the first floor. People start screaming.

Jack: Oh shut up, you guys are so immature!

Doyle sighs, shaking his head. Him and Logan head out.

Somewhere else, Rolando Callahan is sitting out in his car still. He gets on his phone.

Rolando: Hello?

Guard: Yes sir?

Rolando: I need you to go ahead and do me a favor….

Guard: What's that sir?

Rolando: I need you…….to go ahead……..and activate the device!

Guard: ……

Rolando: …..

Guard: ….._What device sir?_

Rolando: Are you freaking kidding me!? The 'Release Toxic Crap Into The City's Water Supply' Device. Geez, is it your first day or something!

Guard: Actually it is!

Rolando: Oh….well, put guard number 2 on there then.

Guard (in the background): Here, Callahan wishes to speak with you.

Guard 2: Hola?

Rolando: Yes, I need you to……What did you just say?

Guard 2: Que?

Rolando: Uh…….What…..did you say?

Guard 2: Que?

Rolando: Oh crap, put someone else on the phone!

Guard 2: Que?

Rolando: Numbero Uno!

Guard 1 takes the phone back.

Rolando: Can I talk to someone who can speak English and has worked there for more than a day.

Guard: Sure.

Guard 3: Hello, Mr. Callahan!

Rolando: Hello, I need you to….

Guard 3 (sobbing): _I really needed to talk to you! You see my girlfriend left me and I thought it was going somewhere and_….

Rolando: _PUT 1 BACK ON THE PHONE!_

Guard: Yes sir?

Rolando: Someone who isn't depressed about their recent breakup either.

Guard 4: Hello sir.

Rolando: Hello, I…..

-KABOOOOOOM!-

Guard 1: Hello, sir.

Rolando: What the hell was that?!

Guard: The last guard blew up, sir.

Rolando: Oh geez, I'm going to be here all day. Okay, go in the big building next to you.

Guard: Okay………..okay, I'm there!

Rolando: Now, do you see the _Big Blue Box!?_

Guard: Yes.

Rolando: There should be a level, flip the lever!

Guard: It's flipped sir, this thing has _been running for some time now_.

Rolando: Oh…..that was unexpected. Okay, there should be a timer. How much time are we looking at until the machine releases?

Guard: About 45 minutes, sir.

Rolando: Wonderful, that is all!

He hangs up.

Rolando: Geez Louise!

AT CTU.

Marilyn stuff's Audrey's unconscious body in a garbage bag and drags her down the stairs through the main hall.

Nadia: Hey Marilyn, you have a lot of trash there.

Milo: Yeah, do you need help with that?

Marilyn: No thanks, I got it. –DRAG!...DRAG!-

Nadia: What a nice woman.

Milo and Sherry nod in agreement.

Marilyn continues to drag the sack through the parking lot. She grabs Audrey's keys and unlocks the trunk. After tossing her body in there and slamming the truck door, she proceeds to the driver's seat and turns on the vehicle. It backs out of it's space and drives off into the almost sunrise.

Back inside….

Sherry: So….what do you mean this _override code_ is in me?

Nadia: Exactly how it's said, I don't know how we get it though.

The phone rings, Sherry picks it up.

Sherry: CTU Palmer.

George: Sherry, its George Mason.

Sherry: Oh hell…..

George: I've done it……Jack Bauer is dead.

Sherry: WHAT?! You killed him! But….we didn't get a chance to find out if this whole mess is dealt with yet….

The other line starts to ring; 'Jack Bauer Cell' is displayed on the caller ID.

Sherry, confused, takes a closer look.

Sherry: Uh….George? Are you sure you killed Jack Bauer?

George: Of course I did!

Sherry: Well….that's special. Good for you! See you when you get here, toodles!

She switches to the other line.

Sherry: Jack?

Jack: Jack, its Sherry Palmer! I'm giving you an update on the situation.

Sherry: Huh? What? But you're….oh screw it. What is it, Jack?

Jack: We just left the building. Oh that and _Harry Love is dead_….

Sherry: WHAT?!

Doyle (in the background): Because Jack shot him!

Jack: Did not!

Sherry: Jack, you killed the Australian President! Do you know how much trouble you can get into!

Jack: I didn't kill anybody!

Sherry: Well, where are you guys now?

Jack: We're going to drive around aimlessly for a little bit. We need to find Rolando Callahan as soon as possible. Have you talked to Chloe yet?

Sherry: Not yet, they're still in prison.

Jack: Oookay. That's nice. Anyway, call me the second Chloe gets there. We need to find him before he gets away.

Jack hangs up the phone.

Back at the White House. Tom leaves the Oval Office and he finds the mysterious individual lingering about, he spots Tom and quickly walks off in the other direction.

Tom: Hmm….way too suspicious.

Tom makes chase which leads him into the bathroom. Tom slowly walks through, grabbing a plunger on the way.

Tom: _Marco!_

Voice: _Polo!_

Tom kicks a stall door and rams the plunger in the guy's face. –PLUNGE!-

Guy: ACK!

Tom: Okay, punk! You are looking very suspicious. What are you, a mole?! Trying to assassinate the President, are ya?! Achieve confidential documents? Bomb the White House?! Spill it!

Guy: Never!

Tom: Okay, then….you asked for it.

Tom picks the plunger back up. It falls apart in his hand.

Tom: Oh fiddlesticks!

Guy: Yes.

Tom: Oh, you're not getting away that easily!

Tom pulls out some rope, wherever he got that from, and ties the mysterious man to the toilet stall.

Man: You'll never get away with this!

Tom: Oh, quit talking like you're the good guy! I have to go find another plunger to torture you with. Be right back.

Tom runs out of the bathroom.

At CTU 'Happy Burger'.

Kim: Ugh, I can't take this stupid job anymore!

Kim pulls off her burger costume and starts to leave.

Manager: HEY! Where do you think you're going?!

Kim: I think it's time I said 'Take this job and shove it!'

Kim proudly walks from behind the counter past _The Spice Girls_; who are cheering for her.

Spice Girls: Way to go Kim! Wooo! That's _Girl Power!_ Yay!

Manager: HEY! You guys didn't pay for your burger!

Baby Spice: Uh….I didn't think we had too.

Manager: That's it. Get back here and get to work!

The Spice Girls groan as they walk behind the counter and put on Giant Burger Uniforms. Kim goes back up the escalator to the main floor; she walks past Martha Logan who just got through shopping at the CTU Disney Store. Kim makes her way back to The Action Floor. (Or Main floor, whatever).

Kim: _Hi Everybody!_

Sherry/Nadia/Milo: _Hi Dr. Nick!_

Kim: What?

Nadia: We're getting a call from Tony.

Sherry: Uh….okay.

Nadia (picking up the phone): CTU Yassir…

Tony: Tony, its _Nadia Yassir_. We have information for you.

Nadia (lowering the phone): _Why does everybody keep doing that?_

Sherry and Milo shrug.

Tony: We broke out Bill and those other two….

Morris: Thanks.

Baxter: Jerk.

Tony: ….out of the prison and are on our way back to CTU.

Nadia: Good, because we just got a call from Jack. We need Chloe here to try to find Rolando Callahan. Harry Love is dead…..oh hold on, I have another call.

-CLICK-

Doyle: Because Jack killed him!

Jack: Did not! Stupid head!

The start slapping each other again in the background.

Nadia: Ugh…

-CLICK-

Nadia: Tony, you still there?

Tony: Present!

Nadia: Try to get back here as fast as you can. We have to find Callahan before it's too late. Okay?

Tony: Okay.

Nadia: Okay….

Tony: Okay….

Nadia: I'll see you when you get here.

Tony: Yup!

Nadia: So, bye!

Tony: _You hang up first_.

Nadia: What?

Tony: You hang up first.

Nadia: Uh…..why?

Tony: Because it's a game to see who can hang up first. Michelle and I play it all the time. The she's like 'No you hang up first' and we go back and forth until one of us gets tired and just hangs up.

Nadia: Uh….okay.

Tony: Okay, Nadia. _You hang up first_.

Nadia: …….-Click-

Tony: Hmph! How rude……

6:10:10. Back in the car that's driving aimless around a _Wendy's _Parking Lot. Jack and Doyle are….

Jack: Still arguing….

Logan: What did you just say?

Jack: Nothing.

Doyle: I still can't believe you shot Love. _That is so not Jack Bauer_.

Logan: Actually, it kinda is.

Jack: I didn't shoot Harry Love. Besides, _I never shot anybody for a stupid reason_.

Doyle: You shot a tranquilizer in George Mason's leg back in the first episode of Season 1.

Jack: He was withholding information. Nuff said….

Logan: _Ryan Chappelle_?

Jack: He was just a jerk. But besides that, he was goofing around and _Stephen Saunders_ caught him and threatened to release the Cordilla Virus if we didn't shoot him.

Doyle: Curtis Manning?

Jack: He was going to shoot Hamri Al-Assad and ruin our plans! Geez, _is this twenty questions_?! Back off!

Logan: Hmm…..

Doyle: Yes…..

Logan: Hmmm……

Doyle: You still shot Love though.

Jack: I did not, dammit!

Doyle: -Sigh-…..

The Helicopter lands at the Heliport at CTU. Tony, Michelle, Karen, and the others bail out and walk inside.

Nadia: Sherry….oh crap, where did she go?

Nadia looks up. Sherry motions her to come up to the 2nd story glass office.

Nadia: I don't want to climb those stairs.

Nadia picks up the phone and dials Sherry's extension.

Sherry (picking up): Palmer…

Nadia: Sherry, we just got word the helicopter has landed.

Sherry: That was fast.

Sherry hangs up and walks out of her office downstairs.

Sherry: Okay, where is the heliport?

Nadia: This way.

They start to walk off before Tony and the rest of the group reach the Action Floor first.

Nadia: Oh, nevermind.

Michelle: Hey guys. What's going on?

Nadia: Chloe, we need you to find Callahan for Jack.

Chloe: Okay.

Chloe goes to her computer, which is just a cardboard box.

Chloe: Ugh, cheap!

Chloe walks over and rips out Morris' computer.

Morris: WHOA! Dahling, what are you doing.

Chloe: I need a computer.

Morris: You could've just sat down at my desk, Yeesh.

Chloe: Bring the monitor over here.

Sherry: I'm afraid we have bigger problems on our hands.

Bill: And that is?

Sherry: We received word from Tom Lennox that if Rolando starts the device that will release the chemical toxin into the city's water, there's only one way to stop it.

Michelle: And that is?

Sherry: There is a secret code to stop the device….

Tony: And that is?

Sherry: _STOP SAYING 'AND THAT IS!'…_Let me finish….

Everyone: …

Sherry: Good. There is a code to stop the device and it's on a chip that is kinda….inside……me.

Billy: Really?

Milo: Hmm, interesting.

Nadia: Milo, quit sounding like you're surprised. You were among the first ones to know about it.

Milo: Oh, right….

Sherry: It's microscopic so there'll be no way to surgically remove it. And even if there is we don't have the time. The machine could be activated now for all we know.

Tony: Don't worry….._I have a way_…..

Michelle: Oh great.

Tony runs out of the Action Room.

Sherry: What's he planning?

Michelle: Something horrible I'm sure.

Suddenly, _a giant school bus drives through the wall. _–CRASH!-

Sherry: AHH!

Nadia: What the?!

Milo hops out of the bus.

Michelle: TONY! What the hell are you doing?! They just fixed this place!

Tony: This, my dear. Will be the way to find that chip.

Bill: A school bus?

Tony: No Bill….._The Magic School Bus_!

Michelle faints.

Tony: I talked to the producers and they're letting us _break the rules again_ since at this point the show has lost all hope! So, all aboard!

Baxter: Don't remind us, _The Dream Episode _was bad enough!

Karen: Don't forget about_ The Witch Plot_.

Sherry: And _Ronald McDonald _being president.

Tony: This is the only way, who's coming with me?

Baxter: I'll go.

Karen: Oooh! I want to go too!

Bill: Good! And the rest of us will stay here. _I brought donuts_ _and coffee_.

Michelle: Where the hell did you get that?!

Karen grabs a donut.

Karen: Okay, _let's roll_. –CHOMP!-

Kim (was staring off into space): -Yawn-….man, I'm tired. I think I'm going to go home.

A little disoriented, Kim get up from a desk and walks across the floor of the Action Room.

Kim: Oh, a bus. Driver, 62nd and Main, please.

The door closes as Tony gets behind the Wheel.

_Mrs. Frizzle_: Um…._do you mind?_

Tony: Sorry.

Mrs. Frizzle the schoolteacher sits down and takes control.

Tony: Don't you have an actual bus driver for this?

Mrs. Frizzle: Nah, I decided to take over. Okay children! Are you ready for another wild adventure?

The children cheer.

Kim: Where the hell am I now?

Baxter hops up in the seat next to her.

Baxter: Whatever it is, I can assure you that it isn't good.

Mrs. Frizzle: Okay, here we go!

The School Bus shrinks to microscopic size. It takes off….going very slowly.

Nadia: Oh, this is going to take ages!

Everyone on the bus sees _giant fingers_ cover the windows as everything starts to shake. –RATTLE!-

Tony: Whoa!...Getting dizzy….

Mrs. Frizzle: We have enemies approaching. _Fire Photon Torpedo_.

A tiny torpedo shoots out and hits Nadia in the forehead.

Nadia: ERK! What the hell was that? It burnt a little…..Hmm, anyway, Sherry, open your mouth.

Sherry opens wide as Nadia flicks her finger. The bus goes inside and down…….down…….down…….Inside, everything is shaking as Red Lights flash.

-Red Alert! Collision Detected!-

Baxter: This is bad!

Tony: I knew it! The moment I woke up this morning I told myself, _I'm going to die inside Sherry Palmer_.

Baxter rolls his eyes.

Back outside inside CTU.

Chloe: I got him!

She picks up the phone and dials Jack's number.

Jack (answering): Bauer….

Chloe: Jack, I found Callahan.

Jack: _Get out!_

Chloe: What?

Jack: _Get out!_

Chloe: Get out….of what?

Jack: No, it's like slang. It's like _For Real, Girlfriend_…..or…._No way!_...or….._For Schizzle my Nizzle!_

Chloe: Jack, could you stop talking before I lose my concentration from your stupid-ness?

Jack: By all means….._Girlfriend!_

Chloe: JACK!

Jack: Sorry.

Chloe: I managed to tag Callahan's license plate and he just stopped off at the _Tony Danza International Airport_. He hasn't taken off yet, Jack. You can still catch him.

Jack: _That'll do pig_……._That'll do_……

Chloe: _DID YOU JUST CALL ME A PIG!?_

Jack: No, hugs and kisses, bye! –CLICK!-

Chloe: GRR!

In the car…

Doyle: What did you find out?

Jack: Callahan is trying to fly out of here. He's headed for _Tony Danza_.

Doyle: Aw, _what did he ever do to him_? Tony Danza doesn't deserve this. He's one of this generation's greatest living actors!

Jack: Yeah, _and so is Ricky Schroeder_……-Giggle-

Doyle glares at Jack.

Jack: But no, it's the Tony Danza international Airport.

Logan: _They named an airport after him?!_

6:25:12, back at the White House.

Tom goes back into the bathroom with a brand new plunger.

Tom: Okay, I had to run to the plunger store to buy a new one of these. I didn't dare go into the ladies restroom. I remember what happened last time….

-FLASHBACK-

Tom: Doo, dee, doo, what a nice day it is. Oop, gotta use the restroom.

Tom accidentally goes into the 'Ladies' restroom. He notices Karen sitting on the bathroom counter eating 'Pumpkin Pie'.

Karen: HEY! What are _you_ doing in here?!

Tom: Okay, _that is really, really gross_. We have a break room you know.

Karen: Get out, you fiend!

Karen throws her pie to the side and approaches Tom, who pulls out a giant sword. He points it in the air.

Tom: _I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!_

-Stop-

Guy: I seriously doubt that happened…

Tom: Well, it was a lot better than _what really happened_.

-FLASHBACK-

Tom: Doo, dee, doo, what a nice day it is. Oop, gotta use the restroom.

Tom accidentally goes into the 'Ladies' restroom. He notices Karen sitting on the bathroom counter eating 'Pumpkin Pie'.

Karen: HEY! What are _you_ doing in here?!

Tom: Okay, _that is really, really gross_. We have a break room you know.

Karen: Well, _excuse me for keeping up appearances_. Get him, Boingo!

A giant Kangaroo hops out of the bathroom stall and with a boxing glove on, punches Tom in the face. –WHAP!-

-FIN!-

Guy: Hmm….both of those were pretty stupid.

Tom: That's life here around the White House. But enough of that…..it's plunger-ing time!

Guy: Okay! Okay!...I work for Charles Logan's brother. I was the one that altered the conversation between Karen and David to make her look like an idiot so nobody would catch on to what Rolando is up to.

Tom: Wow. You sure did give up that information easily, and I didn't even have to torture you that much.

Guy: I…..I just have a horrible fear of plungers! _Get it away from me!_

Tom: Is there any other information I should know?

Guy: No.

Tom raises the plunger.

Guy: The also sent someone here to assassinate the President!

Tom: _AGAIN!?_ Geez, can't you people go 5 seconds without trying to kill a White House official!? Who is it?

Guy: I can't! I'll…..

Tom raises the plunger again.

Guy: AHH! Uh…I don't know his name; he's just _The Man With The Big Yellow Hat_.

Tom: Thank you, mister!

Tom starts to leave, then turns around and shoves the plunger in his face.

Guy: EEEE! _Get it off! Get it off!_

Tom bolts out of the restroom and down the hall.

A car pulls into the airfield. Marilyn, who was driving it, gets out and opens the trunk. She pulls the sack with Audrey in it onto the ground as some guards approach them and carry her Audrey to the airplane. Marilyn looks around and walks to the plane herself. She notices Rolando Callahan is standing outside.

Rolando: You did good.

Marilyn: I think you mean, 'I did well'.

Rolando: Don't correct my grammer.

Marilyn: I think its 'Grammar'.

Rolando: Or my spelling….wait, that doesn't make sense…..anyway….Here's the plan: We take off as the Toxin is about to be released and after the whole country is dead we will come back and start a new civilization.

Marilyn: That's a real shoddy plan.

Rolando: Enough! Just get on the plane.

Marilyn walks up the steps leading to the door of the plane as Rolando follows.

Back at CTU.

Chloe: Hold on, I'm getting something else! _Besides Porno pop ups_…..

Milo: That's all you ever get….

Chloe: Shut up. I managed to narrow down the search for some buildings that the Toxin device could be held…….hold on……yes, I got it. The device is being held at a Warehouse on 77th and Main. I think it's been activated.

Sherry: Hmm…..what should we do now?

Bill: I know. Milo, take Chloe with you to the warehouse.

Chloe: WHAT!?

Bill: So you can disarm the device once we get the code.

Chloe: I don't know if I can do that.

Bill: You'll do fine. Remember, there's no pressure. Just that if you fail, _millions of people will die and the surviving ones will hate you for the rest of forever_.

Chloe: Wonderful, I feel much better now.

Milo: Okay, we'll go.

6:30:11. Milo and Chloe head out of CTU / Jack is driving / Tony and Co. are traveling through Sherry's stomach / Noah is hopping on one foot while holding two ice cream cones as part of his _Presidential Initiation Trails_.

Jack's car peels into the airfield. The three of them get out.

Jack: Okay, there's the plane. I'm sure he's on it.

Doyle: There are some guards over there.

Jack: I got it.

Jack sneaks to the _Mission Impossible Theme_ behind a building. He slowly walks up to behind an armed guard and….

Jack: _LOOK A MOUSE!_

Guard: EEEEEEE!

He passes out.

Jack: Excellent.

Jack grabs his gun and motions Doyle to follow. Suddenly, he notices the door to the plane closing and start to motion its way down the runway.

Jack: CRAP! It's already taking off! Back to the car, hurry!

Jack, Doyle, and Logan rush back to the vehicle.

Jack: Logan, drive.

Logan: uh…o…okay….

Logan hops in the front seat, Doyle gets in the passenger side. Jack jumps on top of the hood and stands there.

Doyle: Are you nuts!?

Jack: Just go!

Logan slams on the accelerator as Jack falls on his butt. –WHAP!-

Jack: owie…..

The car takes off driving as fast as it can down the runway. Catching up with the plane. Jack taps on the sunroof.

Doyle (sliding the sunroof open): What are you going to do?!

Jack: We go up here!

Doyle: _Though the landing gear opening?!_ Are you mad, we'll be crushed!

Jack: Trust me!

Doyle: No!

Jack: Dammit, Doyle! We need to hurry before it takes off.

Doyle: Crap, fine.

Doyle climbs up through the sun roof. Him and Jack one by one grab onto the landing gear and climb up inside. The plane lifts off the ground and the wheels rise up inside.

Logan: Hmm, hope that didn't crush them. Oh well. I wonder where I should go now. AHHH!

Logan slams on the breaks to see guard start opening fire in front of him.

Logan: Probably the other way.

He puts the car in reverse and starts driving backward. He breaks and turns the wheel, making the car spin in a 180 turn, facing the opposite direction.

Logan: Whew, _thanks stunt driver_.

Bob The Stunt Driver: Don't mention it.

The car takes off again and pulls out of the airport.

At the White House, Tom is back at the Inauguration Party. He is going through the crowd trying to find the man with the Big Yellow Hat.

Tom: Crap a duck….where is he? He should stick out like a sore thumb but I don't see him anywhere!

Tom looks up and sees the man on the 2nd story balcony.

Tom: Gotcha.

Tom rushes through the crowd and enters a stairwell taking him up to the second floor.

Back in Sherry. The bus is lodged in Sherry's stomach lining.

Karen: This place is kinda gross. It makes me not want to eat, that's for sure. (Takes a bite out of a Turkey Leg) –CHOMP!-

Kim: So….we are _inside_ Sherry Palmer?

Baxter: Correct.

Kim: Hmm…..like….inside her body?

Baxter: Yes, Kim.

Kim: How is that?

Baxter: _Bad writing._

Kim: Ah, I see.

Tony: Look! There's the chip, it's lodged right over there! But how do we get it without getting killed?

Mrs. Frizzle: You can use this.

The opens a hatch and presses a button. A crane extends from the hood of the school bus.

Mrs. Frizzle: Now, you can try to pick it up with that crane.

Tony: Okay, let's see.

Tony maneuvers the crane over to the left.

Kim: Go forward.

Baxter: A little more to the left!

Tony: Okay….

Karen: Back a little, if you drop it now you'll miss it!

Tony hits the button and the crane descends, missing the chip.

Everyone: Aww!

Kim: Okay, let me try.

Kim puts in a quarter and starts moving the crane around.

Tony: _We have to pay to use this thing!?_

Mrs. Frizzle: Well yeah, I have to get money somehow. _The gas mileage on this thing is atrocious!_

Tony: Ah, nuts…..

Chloe and Milo arrive at the Warehouse.

Milo (knocking on the door): Hello? Anyone home?

Chloe: Are you freaking kidding me? Why are you knocking?

Milo: It's polite?

Chloe: I don't think anybody is in here, and furthermore….

The door opens a guard stands there.

Guard: Hello!

Milo: Hi!

Guard: Would you like to come in, I just made my famous _Green Bean Casserole_.

Milo: Is it as good as Karen's?

Guard: 10 times better!

Milo: Whoa!

Chloe: Uh…..Why are you being so nice to us?

Guard: Well, this casserole is poisoned actually.

Chloe: Are you the only one here?

Guard: Yes.

Chloe grabs the casserole dish from the guard's hands and bashes it over his head. –CRASH!-

Milo: Aw, I wanted Green Bean Casserole.

Chloe: Oh, shut up…..

They walk inside. Chloe takes a left to see the giant blue machine making a funny noise.

Chloe: This is it. This machine must somehow be hooked up to the city's water line!

Milo: What do we do?

Chloe: We don't have much time left. I'll see if I can set it up so I can put in the code, that's where Tony comes in, if he hasn't died already.

Milo: Uh….

6:40:12, White House.

Tom tackles the Man With The Big Yellow Hat. –WHOMP!-

Tom: HYA!

MWTBYH: ACK! What are you doing!?

He punches Tom in the face. –POW!-

Tom: Ow….

Tom and The MWTBYH roll around a few times. The man tries to strangle Tom.

Tom: Urk…..ughhh…..

Tom desperately tries to reach for a nearby lamp. He manages to grab it and whaps the man over the head. –BASH!-

Man: Uhhhh…..

He slumps over to the side. Tom gets up to brush himself off.

Tom (on a com-thing): Secret Service, this is Tom….

He is interrupted by the man tackling Tom. They both lose their balance and stumble down the stairs.

Tom: Oh, that smarts….

The man pulls out a knife and is about to stab Tom.

Tom: EEK!

He starts bring the knife down when he suddenly gets shot. –BANG!-

Man: Ugghgh….. (He falls backward)

Tom hops back up as Noah comes up, putting the gun away.

Tom: Mr. President! You saved my life…..again…..

Noah: Again?

Tom: You remember yesterday when Karen and I almost get killed by _Birdie, The Early Bird_. One of Ronald McDonald's advisors.

Noah: Oh yeah……

Tom: Why are you carrying a gun?

Noah: Are you serious? _I don't think the Secret Service showed up once this season_.

Tom: Yeah, you need to hire some new ones.

Noah: Yes I do Tom……Yes I do…….Now come on, all we have to endure is a _Piñata Tournament_ and then this whole thing will be over.

Tom: That sounds wonderful, Mr. President.

They start to walk back to the party.

Tom: By the way, I caught a mole.

Noah: Really?

Tom: Yup. He's still in the bathroom.

Noah: Uh….ooookay……

On the Good Plane…._Lollipop_. Audrey is tied up. Marilyn and Rolando are

Rolando: What a stupid name for a plane…..How are we doing, Pilot?

Pilot: Good, sir.

Rolando: Excellent. Nothing can stop me now…..oh crap, why did I just say that….oh well, I'm sure nothing's going to happen….

Jack and Doyle fall out of the bathroom. –CRASH!-

Rolando: What the?!

Jack and Doyle pull out their guns.

Doyle: I don't even want to know how we went up through the landing gear and ended up in the bathroom.

Jack: I just know these things, Doyle!

Doyle: Uh…._you have some toilet paper hanging off your shoe_.

Jack: I'm ignoring it.

Doyle: Why? It's kinda annoying me.

Jack: -Sigh-….Can you hold on for a second?

Rolando: Sure. Guards, stand down.

Jack (leaning up against the wall): Okay, get it off.

Doyle: UGH! I'm not touching that!

Jack: Oh, grow up! I didn't _use it_.

Doyle: How do I know that?! Get it off yourself.

Jack: I can't reach down that far.

Doyle: Oh please, just do it!

Jack: You do it!

Doyle: I'm not touching the toilet paper on your shoe.

Jack: Please!

Doyle: No!

Rolando: Oh for the love of _Farrah Faucet!_ Guard 1, go get the toilet paper off his shoe.

The guard walks up to Jack and rips off the toilet paper. Jack hit him on the head with the butt of his gun. –WHAP!-

Doyle: Wow, that plan worked.

Jack: See?

Rolando: Get him!

Initiate _Batman Music_.

The other guard runs up, Jack punches him in the face.

_BAM!_

On the floor, the Guard kicks Jack.

_FOOF!_

Rolando: I need more guards!

Two more guards come out of the back room. Doyle uppercuts one of them.

_BIF!_

Jack jumps up and grabs onto a railing, he uses both his feet to kick the other Guard.

_KWANG!_

Doyle: _Kwang?!_

Jack drops back down. He approaches Rolando.

Jack: The jig is up, Callahan.

Rolando: I wouldn't think so….

Jack slowly turns around to see Marilyn holding a gun up to Audrey's head.

Audrey: Eeep!

Jack: Marilyn?! What are you doing?

Rolando: She is under my control. Thanks to this stuff.

He pulls out a syringe of green liquid.

Jack: That was the stuff Adam Logan injected Marilyn with!

Doyle: Fine time to remember this now!

Jack: Now, Marilyn was whining that her arm hurt, and she was injected with it.

Rolando: Well, technically twice. Love shot her up with some to make her come along with him so he could deliver her to me. But it wore off, so Adam Logan, the creator of the serum, took the liberty of injecting her with it again.

Jack: Well _Crap-A-Doodle-Doo!_

Rolando: So, drop your weapons….or Audrey gets it.

Jack: Get's what?

Rolando: _A delicious steak dinner_. _WHAT DO YOU THINK!?_

Doyle: Uh, Jack…..gun to her head?

Jack: Oh right……..

Audrey thinks for a second and moves her hand into her pocket. She pulls out her 'Happy Burger' name tag and uses her thumb to fastening needle to point outward. She jabs Marilyn in the side with it. –SHOINK!-

Marilyn: AHH!

Audrey runs for it and ducks as Marilyn fires the gun, which hits the Pilot.

Pilot: Oh bugger! (He falls over)

The plane starts to descend. Jack grabs Rolando and they start to fight.

Jack: Doyle, get the controls.

Doyle makes his way to the cockpit and grabs the flight stick to try to level the plane. Marilyn hops up from behind and tries to strangle him.

Doyle: Arkkk!

They struggle as the plane is going down. Doyle accidentally hits the 'Cargo Release' button and the back of the plane opens. Crap is flying everywhere. –SWOOOOOOOOOSH!-

Audrey: AHH!

Rolando kicks Jack away and gets up to make his way toward the opening. He reaches for a parachute as Jack tramples him just in time. They roll around off the edge of the opened cargo door.

Audrey: JACK!

Audrey runs to the back of the plane to see Jack hanging on by one hand, and Rolando clinging on desperately to Jack's foot.

Audrey: Oh this is really cliché.

Jack: Audrey, pull me up!

Audrey: I can't Jack, _you're too heavy!_

Jack: WHAT?! No I'm not! _I've been using Jenny Craig, I swear!_

Audrey: What about him!?

Jack: Huh!? Oh….crap, uh….

Audrey: Take your shoe off!

Jack: He's holding onto my leg!

Audrey: Saw your leg off!

Jack: Uh….I don't think that will work.

Audrey: Hold on, don't let go!

Audrey tries to look around for something for Jack to grab onto. Back inside the cockpit.

Doyle: Ugh…._Get off!_

He pushes Marilyn back; she hits the back of her head on the co-pilot's window. –WHAMP!-

Doyle: Oooh, ouch.

Marilyn: Ugh…..what happened? Oh, my head….

Doyle: Wow, for an experimental drug that takes over your body, just a good bonk to the head can cure it. How convenient.

Audrey (bursting into the cockpit): Doyle, Jack is hanging outside on the edge of the cargo door.

Doyle: Oh geez.

Doyle gets up and runs off. Audrey tries to take control of the plane.

Audrey: Marilyn, are you okay?

Marilyn: Yeah, my head hurts though.

Audrey: Hmm….you must have been brainwashed or something.

Marilyn: Yeah……

She pulls out a knife.

Marilyn: _I'll kill you!_

Audrey: AHH!

Marilyn: Ha, I'm just kidding….

Audrey: Hmph!...

Doyle runs to the open cargo door.

Doyle: Jack! Grab my hand!

Jack: I can't!

Doyle: Oh quit being a sissy. We're adults here!

Jack: No, moron. I can't reach you! You'll have to grab onto my hand!

Doyle: _Ew! No, you might have cooties!_

Jack: _DAMMIT!_

Doyle: I'm kidding; I'm kidding…..Here….

Doyle grabs Jack's hand and starts to pull him up.

Doyle: Uh…..Jack, you might have to lose a little weight.

Jack: _I called Jenny Craig, I swear!_

Doyle: Uh….not that kinda weigh.

Jack looks down at Rolando.

Jack: Oh, right.

Rolando: Jack! You don't want to do this…..I can help you! Together we can make this country a better place to live.

Jack: No thanks, I have all the help I need!

Doyle: _Cheeeeesy_……

Jack shakes his foot and Rolando falls through the sky screaming. He plummets through the air thousands of feet, smashing through the ground next to the hole left by _Wile E. Coyote_. Road Runner stops by.

Road Runner: _Man_..._Dumbass_….….er……_BEEP! BEEP!_

He zooms off! Doyle pulls Jack back onto the plane.

Jack: Whew…..at least that's over…..Let's get this plane turned around.

Inside Sherry.

Karen: I got it!

The crane picks up the chip and inserts itself back inside the bus. Tony reaches in a compartment and pulls it out.

Tony gets on his phone and dials CTU.

Michelle: CTU Dessler…

Tony: Tony, its Michelle!

Michelle slaps her forehead.

Tony: Get me through to Chloe, we have the number.

Michelle: Okay, I'm patching you through.

Chloe answers her phone.

Chloe: O'Brian….

Michelle: Chloe I have Tony on the line with the number, are you ready?

Chloe: Yeah.

Michelle: Go ahead Tony.

Tony: Okay, the numbers are 5…..2…..1…..33…..44….76…..

Michelle: Tony, _those are your lottery numbers!_

Tony: Oh right…..okay, here are the numbers: 4……

Chloe presses in the sequence.

Tony: 7……..1…….3……0………6………uh….

Chloe: ….'Uh'?...Uh…what?!

Tony: I don't know the last number it must have gotten damaged.

Chloe leans back to see the timer at 30 seconds.

Chloe: GAHK! Tony, we only have less than 30 seconds, I need that number.

Tony: I can't read!

Karen: _Hooked on Phonics _is a good program. It worked for me.

Kim: Me too!

Children: _Us too!_

Tony: _SHUT UP!_ I can't concentrate!...It's either a 5 or an 8!

Michelle: Hurry Tony!

Tony: I don't know….I don't know……uh…..uh……5!

Michelle: Is that a guess?

Tony: Yes.

Michelle: Don't guess!

Tony: I have to! I don't know what the freaking number is!

Chloe: 10 seconds!

Tony: 5! I'm going with 5!

Michelle: Chloe….try 5…..

Chloe: Here goes…..

Chloe puts in the number 5 as the last number. The machine shuts off.

Chloe: Whew……

-BEEP! _Incorrect Password!_-

Chloe: AHHHH!

The machine lets the Toxin loose into the city's water supply. It starts to shake violently and explodes, sending Chloe and Milo flying backward into a wall. –WHAP!-

Around the country, people start to drop like flies. –PLOP! PLOP! PLOP!-

Fred bursts into the writer's room and slams the episode draft in front of Paul.

Fred: You cannot kill everyone in the country in the Season Finale. Fix it.

Paul: Fine.

Paul erases that part and pencils in a new ending.

Paul: There.

Fred: Thank you.

Fred walks back out of the writer's room.

Paul: I need my own show….

Chloe: What is the number!?

Michelle: Hurry Tony, we only have 10 seconds.

Tony: 5! I'm going with 5!

Baxter: It's an 8!

Tony: Oh, it is an 8! Okay, Michelle we are going with 8!

Michelle: Chloe, you got that!

Chloe: Yeah.

Chloe puts in the number 8……..the machine powers down. –Woooooooo!-

Chloe sighs deeply.

Chloe: It's over……finally!

Some people are heard in the other room.

Chloe: Who's that?

Some men in biohazard suits walk in.

Milo: It's the Hazmat team!

Chloe: Good. They'll take care of this. Let's get the hell out of here.

Milo: I couldn't agree more, Chloe……I couldn't agree more…..

Chloe: You….didn't have to say that twice, I heard you the first time.

The screen splits down at 6:55:12. Chloe and Milo make their way out of the warehouse to the car / The Good Plane Lollipop lands on the runway as police show up / The Magic School Bus is returned to normal size and drives off through the hole in the wall as Tony, Karen, Kim, and Baxter relax / Tom and Noah are sitting on their thrones as people applaud Noah for finishing his Inauguration Ceremony / Morris is doing something on his computer / Jack, Doyle, Marilyn, and Audrey slide down off the plane and make their way to a taxi / Police are taping off the crime scenes of Harry Love and Rolando Callahan.

Morris: YES!!! I finally beat that dragon!

Michelle: What are you talking about?

Morris: In _Super Awesome Quest!_ Take that, you jerk!

The dragon goes down and disappears. A new one shows up and eats Morris. –CHOMP!-

Morris: Oh, _hell's bells!_

Sherry: Well, I think I've outstayed my welcome here.

Michelle: What do you mean?

Sherry: This isn't where I belong. I am meant to do better, _more scandalous_ things. So I'm going to try to get a job back at the White House.

Michelle: Good for you.

Sherry: And from this point I am reinstating the position of CTU Director to Bill Buchanan.

Bill: Really?!

Sherry: Yes.

Bill: Sweet!

Karen: Good job, Husband!

Bill: Thanks wife!

Karen: Well, I better be going to D.C. as well. I'm needed there for _Homeland Security_ stuff.

Bill: Okay, don't have too much fun.

Karen: I won't. Oh, and one of these for the road.

Karen grabs a donut.

Kim: I'm leaving too, I'm tired and hungry.

Baxter: Well, there I was making food at my house before you freaked out and ran away.

Kim: Hmm…..well, that food sounds good right about now.

Baxter: Then, let's head off.

Kim: Bye everybody!

Everyone waves goodbye to Kim as she walks off. Baxter takes a quick glance at his '_The Joy Of Cooking Kim Bauer_' cookbook.

Baxter (reading over a recipe): Duh, you use _Paprika_, of course!

At the White House.

People: Here's to Noah Daniels! The new official President of The United States.

Everybody claps.

Noah: Thank you. Thank you…..I'd just like to say…

Man: Okay people, party's over. Let's get back to work.

Noah: HEY! I wasn't done yet!

Tom: I say we call it a 'night', and finally get some sleep. It's been a really long day.

Noah: You're right.

They start to walk off. Someone grabs the president's hand.

Woman: Mr. President, you're needed for an Emergency Morning Press Conference.

Noah (sobbing): _But I want to sleep, dammit!_

Tom: Gotta run; see you later today, sir.

Noah: -Groan-….

Michelle calls Chloe.

Chloe (answering): Yeah?

Michelle: Chloe, I wanted to tell you that you did a great job with the Toxin Device.

Tony: Hey! What about me?

Michelle: -Sigh-….okay Tony, I guess you did good too.

Tony: I feel the love.

The phone rings, Bill picks it up.

Bill: Yeeeees?

Jack, Doyle, Audrey and Marilyn walk into CTU.

Bill: Jack!

Jack: Bill!

Doyle: Michelle!

Audrey: Morris!

Morris: _Stupid dragon!_

Nadia: Jack!

Doyle: Nadia!

Bill: Morris!

Tony: Michelle!

Michelle: What?

Tony: Well, so much for that…..

Bill: Are you guys okay?

Jack: Yeah. Harry Love and Rolando Callahan are dead.

Michelle: And the Toxin has been stopped!

Doyle: I'm glad these things can resolve themselves right at the nick of time.

Jack: Yup.

Michelle: Hey, Audrey and Marilyn were with you.

Doyle: Yeah, Marilyn was brainwashed.

Nadia: By the mind control serum that Adam Logan had.

Jack: Wait…..What happened to Adam Logan.

Bill: Ah, who knows? He's probably dead or something.

Everybody laughs.

Jack: Man, what a long day. I am ready for sleep.

Tony: Sounds good, I'm glad everything is over and there are no more crises for us to deal with.

Jack: You know what? Let's all go get some breakfast. There's a McDonald's right down the street.

Michelle: Uh…..Oh hell, why not.

Everyone starts to leave the building into the parking lot as the sun is rising over Los Angeles. Jack is stopped by George Mason.

George: BAH?!

Jack: GAH!?

Michelle (to Nadia): So much for loose ends….

George: I killed you….

Jack: Uh….no you didn't.

George: Yes I did. I killed Jack Bauer.

Sherry: Well, the good thing is whoever you killed it did the job. Because now you can go away, yay!

George: I mean, I know it was you. At least it looked like you….

Tony: George…..well…..'Death'…..(He puts his arm around his shoulder while the group continues to walk)…unless there are _Jack Bauer Clones running about_….I don't think we have anything to worry about….(Laughs)…In fact I think that _Everything is going to be ooookay!_ (He gives a thumbs up)

Michelle: Tony, what did I tell you about saying things that could jinx the plot?

Nadia: _Who is he giving a 'Thumbs Up' to?_

Meanwhile, in some Laboratory; Adam Logan exits an office and goes into an experimentation room. Mandy is there sporting a white Lab coat.

Adam: How is the experiment going?

Mandy: Good I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing though.

Adam: Hmm….

He grabs a tape recorder.

Adam (recording his voice): Okay, we are about to do _Experiment 3_. As our studies show, _Experiment 1 perished in a house explosion_. And _Experiment 2 somehow mysteriously died in a restroom at some House Party_. We will be….

The phone rings…..Adam stops the tape and answers it.

Adam: What?...That can't be………I…….okay, we have no choice………goodbye.

Adam hangs up and walks over to a computer console.

Mandy: What are you doing?

Adam: We don't have time to _produce another project_. We must release this one.

Mandy: Uh…..why?

Adam: We are running out of time. Throw that switch over there.

Mandy flips a switch on the right console.

-BEEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEP!-

A container filled with water lowers itself to the ground, inside of the water container is _Jack Bauer_ connected to cables and breathing tubes.

Mandy: So….is this the actual Jack?

Adam: No, he's still running about. This one was created using DNA we've collected over the hundreds of times he's been captured. We make new ones out of this Specimen. But we have to go through with our master plan. So we can't make anymore right now, we must release this one. Empty the container.

Mandy presses a button, the container opens as Jack and a ton of water pours out onto the floor.

Mandy: Is this safe with all this electrical equipment?

Adam and Mandy walk over to Jack, who is scrambling around.

Adam: Jack?...Can you hear me?

Jack: Bah…..?

Adam: How do you feel?

Jack: Meh……

Adam: I'm glad……..I have good news for you Jack. Because here in a very short time….

Adam glances up at the News broadcast of the Presidential Inauguration Ceremony.

Adam: You Jack Bauer…._will become President of The United States_…….

Jack: …..huh?

Mandy gives Adam a confused look. Adam grins as he stands back up.

Adam: Come on, we have work to do……

Adam and Mandy exit the laboratory as Jack lies in a pool of water. They slam the doors behind them……..and fade to black!

6:59:55  
6:59:56  
6:59:57  
6:59:58  
6:59:59  
7:00:00

Fred: It's…..over…….thank……god…….

Paul: Yay!

Sam: Woo hoo!

Fred: Now we can finally rest for six months before we have to start writing again for the next season.

Paul and Sam look at each other.

Fred: What's that look for?

Paul: Well….we talked to the producers and they kinda upped it up to….._next month_.

Fred: WHAT?!

Paul: Isn't this great, that means we can start writing the 2nd season immediately!

Sam: Yay!

Fred: Noo……noo……NOOOO! (Sobs)

Paul: I have the prefect plot. _Chloe gets pregnant and her baby is an alien!_

Sam: Oooh! And _George Mason can be the father!_

Paul: Yes! And this will take place….in_ France!_

Fred: NO! NO! NO!... (bangs his head).

Paul: Aren't you happy!? We are!

Fred: No, I am not! I want to cry. Look! I'm crying now! Wahhh!

Paul: We better get started right away!

Sam: Right.

They run out of the room. Fred gets up and follows.

Fred (chanting to himself): _I love my job, I love my job_...Gotta remember that…….

_Author's Note: _Okay, it's over! Yay. I want to thank all the people who read this silly story of mine. As a reminder, '24' and it's characters are property of Fox and stuff. I wanted to thank everyone's great reviews and compliments, I greatly appreciate it. Much thankful! And if there's anyone still interested in the story _Season 2_ will be up the first week of December, continuing every Monday (in case there is a delay like if my internet's out or something). I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you guys like the next season as well. I am experimenting and am going to write '_The Heroes Parody Project'_ I am a big fan of the show and am going to see how that turns out, I'm going to try to write it out in 'Paragraph Form' which is a first for me, so I have no idea how it will do, who knows? But anyway, thanks for reading!

NEXT SEASON ON 24…….

-SWOOSH!-

Bill: Jack, we have a situation.

Jack: _Another one!?_

Bill: At the _Superbowl Half-Time Show_…_Britney Spears, Nsync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and Aerosmith_ are all going to perform.

Jack: NOOOOOO!!!!!! _THEY MUST BE STOPPED!_

Bill: Uh, I haven't got to the bad part yet.

Jack: Oh, continue.

Bill: The terrorists are going to set off a nuke during one of these band's performances. You must stop this. And help is on the way with your new partner.

Jack: New partner?

Chloe's screams are heard outside the hall as Milo and Morris are pushing her into the office.

Bill: Jack, I like you to meet Chloe O'Brian.

Jack: Uh…I kinda know who she is already.

Bill: Good, you two will do great then.

Chloe: _Why haven't I quit yet!?_

-SWOOSH-

Reporter: We are going live to the scandal in _The White House;_ where President Daniels is accused of having an affair with _his new intern_.

Noah and Tom look up as The new Presidential intern, _Jessica Rabbit_, slowly makes her way into the room. –Boom, Da-Boom, Da-Boom!- (As she walks)

Tom: Holy Guacamole!

Noah: Where is that drum coming from?

-SWOOSH-

Everyone at CTU is held hostage again.

Oscar: I want vengeance! I want justice!

Nadia: Who are you again?

Oscar: My name is Oscar, I'm here to avenge my sister _Nina Myers' _death!

Tony: Whoa! Wait…..so your name is _Oscar Myers?!_

Oscar: Yes.

Tony doubles over with laughter.

Tony: _That's hilarious!_

Oscar: SILENCE!

-SWOOSH-

Tom, Sherry Palmer, and Karen Hayes are in the oval office.

Tom: What would you like for us to do now, Mr. President?

The chair turns around to reveal _Jack Bauer_ playing with some rubber bands.

Jack: Fire the missile……..I want the target to be _Los Angeles_.

Karen: Is it me, or is _Los Angeles_ the _ONLY _place that gets attacked. I mean, what is with that. Aren't there CTU's in other states? And _what's the deal with airline peanuts!_ They're ridiculous I tell you.

Tom: We're screwed…..

THE SEASON PREMIERE OF '24' FOLLOWED BY THE PREMIERE OF 'HEROES' ON MONDAY DECEMBER 3RD. Beep…..beep……beep……beep…..beep……beep…….beep……


End file.
